Friday, October 29, 2010


I'm having a real bad night.
I've just put my daughter to bed and have locked myself in the bathroom.
This is the only room that I can be alone in. I've turned the shower on, hot water full blast and now I'm crumpled on the floor, a sobbing mess. I rock back and forth under the hot waterfall and let it all out. I cry into my hands, there is nothing else to do.
I feel like a everything.
I tried so hard today to not b/p. I can't do it.
Earlier this morning I was doing so well, I was pretty happy. It was time to get my daughter from school later on that afternoon, my husband drove. My chest started to hurt on the drive there for some reason, I felt anxious? I find it getting harder to breathe, I held my composure and just tilted the passenger seat back and closed my eyes wishing the feeling away.
I really just wanted to not feel anything, especially around my husband who acts indifferent to anything that pertains to me. Finally I was able to calm myself down, it was hard at first because my husband kept raising the volume up on the radio. The noise and loud music were distracting to the deep breathing I was trying to do. Maybe he did that in an effort to ignore my latest episode I suspect. Who knows, he doesn't know the definition of subtle.
Finally my kid is off from school and walking towards me towing a small white plastic bag in hand. Today a dentist came to visit her classroom, the dentist demonstrated proper oral hygiene care and every student got a free toothbrush and toothpaste. Hers was red, and sponge bob square pants toothpaste.
After saying hello and giving me a huge hug, she gives me a coy smile and tells me she was on Red today, apparently for talking too much to her best friend Christopher. I tell her the deal, no computer or DVDs of any kind then. She doesn't like this one bit.
My husband says nothing as usual.
At home and I'm looking through her binder for any announcements. There are none except a reminder about the Fall Festival tomorrow and the dressing up. In smaller letters on the same flyer there is a paragraph that tells parents that today was also the last day to turn in the money for the food, a pizza party in the cafeteria.
I told my husband about this, I wonder if he remembered to put the money in her book bag?
He's been so tight with money, or so he says. I'm not working right now, all that I've applied to, not one call back. Its hard to depend on someone else to give you any kind of financial support, I hate it.
"No I didn't know about the money, I didn't send her with anything.." he says very nonchalant.
Its like I have to hold his hand, he has to take initiative and parent. I can't be on top of my kid and him too.
The flyer says today was the last day. So what does that mean, my poor baby can't eat pizza at the festival with her classmates, she has to be the odd one out?
You have no idea how this makes me feel...
My daughter and I do homework and her book report on Scooby Doo. My husband continues to get ready for work. Not an ounce of emotion does he spare. I feel awful, I feel bad for my daughter, she shouldn't have to miss out on anything. Its not fair.
She's only five, how do you think she will feel seeing everyone else eating all that gooey pizza, who doesn't like pizza?
My chest really hurts now, like the strain is back. There is only one thing that can make me feel better and worse all at the same time..
Homework and book report are done and I can't wait for this giant trigger to just leave my sight.
He says bye to my daughter and then tells me that tomorrow he'll drop off the money at school. I tell him what if they don't want to accept it? Its besides the point, he needs to help not make things worse.
"I'm running late I have to go to work." he leaves.
Its his mistake, but I feel responsible, I should know better. You can't depend on anyone but yourself. I should have got the money from him on the day of the first initial flyer and held on to it, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm a fool as usual.
Too trusting, always giving second chances. I'm a doormat, step on me and wipe your feet here.
So now I'm triggered. I feel like I want to punish myself and so I do. First one binge then two. The second one was a little harder on account of all the bread. That really hurt coming back up. I scratched myself good too, that really really hurt, made myself bleed. So b/p 2x.
The chest pain was gone and so was I. Got in a workout, a real half assed lazy one I might add. Afterwards, a c/s session for round three.

I didn't want anything in me so time to go purge in the shower. Fuck when will it end?
I'm exhausted and feel like I could just go at it all night. I get my daughter ready for bed and really hope they'll take pity on her and accept the money. If they don't then I hope he has 20$ for an actual pizza after school, its the least he can do. I'm tired of this.
I feel frustrated and sad. I don't think I'll ever get thin. I will never be happy, or beautiful or smart. I don't think I'll ever get over this anxiety and depression. I will just keep getting worse. I'm not worth loving. I will never get over Bulimia either, it will kill me.
I can't do anything right.
So all I can do is just quietly let out my anguish under scolding hot water, and hold myself hostage in the bathroom.
I'm so tired of this life. I don't enjoy it one bit.
I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I just feel so trapped and unable to grasp anything, it all feels out of control sometimes. I don't know who I am anymore. The cats are scratching at the bathroom door, they are my shadows, always at my heels. Speaking of cat, I think my black cat is mocking my bulimia. She threw up on the carpet this morning, she has been throwing up a lot lately, She's either making fun of me or I'm rubbing off on her. I pray its just hairballs.

I don't know about tomorrow, I'm nervous about the drive after school. The last time I picked her up was the day of the dehydration.
I hate that my mind is already worrying about things that haven't even occurred yet. Why can't I just be a normal boring person?
Everything has to manifest itself in some aspect in my life.
I don't think I'll be sleeping well tonight. I'm going to have bags under these eyes in the morning.
So I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself now. I think its all out of my system now. I will try to lay down in the dark room and fall asleep.
I hope I don't have nightmares again.
Thanks for putting up with me my lovelies. Hope you've had a better night than mines.


Mich said...

Hope you sleep well, hun! You deserve pleasant dreams after your evening. :-* Hang in there. You're strong and beautiful and smart! Make all your tomorrows good days.

Cora said...

Aw, love, sorry things are so horrible for you right now. Things will get better soon!

bonesarepure said...

just stay strong

annaxoskinnyxo said...

I'm so so so sorry dear, sounds like such a rough day. Things will be much better tomorrow, hun. You can do it. <3
Stay Superstrong! <3

Angela said...

Honey, Life is real when you feel your emotions. At least you can feel happy and sad. What if you didnt feel anything? And you were numb. Thats even worse. Ive felt that way. Reality is scary but it can be amazing too. Depression is hard to live with, its like a bad drug addiction. It turns you into someone who you are not. Believe this is temporary. Because it is. Once you figure out how to "trick your perception on life" It will all change. You have your daughter, she is your personal rainbow. After every storm she will be there to make things pretty again. You can be strong, it just takes time. Time heals. Take care little honey :)


lou said...

Thank you all for the kind words..