Monday, December 20, 2010

Turn Around..

Yesterday my daughter slept most of the day, until she didn't and woke up with a fever of 100.
It got scary for a minute there, I gave her medicine and took her a cold bath. I wanted to avoid the E.R at all cost.
Finally as the night progressed, the diarrhea ceased completely and the vomiting was non existent. I kept her hydrated sufficiently enough that she started to get hungry even at some point in the evening. Crackers and ginger ale it was. We sat on the couch and watched movies all night.
I b/p countless times I'm afraid. At one point in the night after the very last binge, I really wanted to work out, I even geared up for it. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I was wiped out. Forget the treadmill I couldn't even stand for five minutes. I had no choice but to crawl into bed. I awoke after midnight and took Iron, Potassium and Magnesium supplements in addition to the giant, pink Prenatal pill. I needed to try to alleviate the vertigo.
I had a scary moment in the bathroom yesterday, as I was on purge number who knows anymore- a sharp pain hit me suddenly in my stomach, I thought I tore something it felt like a cramp. I immediately ceased purging and had a slight panic attack. I came to my senses and realized I had to finish emptying myself, I had about four pounds of food still in me and I couldn't stand for that. I finished and took a moment to settle afterwards. I don't know if any one's ever has a freak out like that, but I'd hope to never have it again.
Today, my daughter is 100% better. We are officially back to normal.
I wake up exhausted as usual but get to sleep in some. I need something in me, I am running on zero energy this morning.
I decide to eat my safe food-crackers and cheese. Banana's are a safe food for me too, just like coffee and protein shakes. There are quite a few things I allow myself every now and then. Lately though these things aren't safe anymore, they are turning into binge foods too. Is there nothing safe anymore?
What will be left finally for me, water?
3 saltines turned into 15 and three cups of coffee, then I finally got fed up and went ahead and added two cinnamon bagels to properly ruin the start of the morning. Dammit.
I hate b/p so early, I usually start going at it in the afternoon when my husband is at work and I'm alone. I guess I was just really nervous because I planned to see my case worker today since she never return my phone call Friday.
I purged and showered. Really dizzy this morning. I've been keeping hydrated so I'm not really sure what is making me dizzy. I don't think its sugar, who knows.
So I'm up, my daughter gets her bang trimmed by me, her hair grows so fast, and she's bathed and dressed. The color is back in her face and she's managed to eat toast with strawberry jam.
On the drive to see my case worker I'm really nervous and wondering what the outcome will be. I'm tired of hearing No all of the time.
I finally get to see her and much to my surprise, yes is the word of the day.
My lovely readers, I now have insurance.
Oh my God!
I'm in shock, and overjoyed. I can't believe something has changed for me after all of these months. I suddenly feel positive, I get this surge of hope and it feels like things are finally going to be okay, I don't have to be scared anymore.
On the drive home, I feel alive and in the mood to celebrate.
Spaghetti and brownies it is..

So now all I have to do is wait for my insurance card in the mail and then I guess I begin the search for a therapist and a dentist.
I no longer have excuses, this is it. Time to get better. Time to let someone else in, an outsider who can tell it to me like it is. Someone who will probably ask me numerous times-How does that make you feel?
I'm ready, I want my life back.
I'm ready to leave this house and get back out there, maybe then will whatever imbalance in my head be corrected, maybe I will be rid of Mia finally. I won't have the time or mental stance for her anymore. I want no more strings, I want to cut them all. Let the year end differently..
Ah this week Christmas is upon us already, the month has gone by so fast..
I haven't lost as much as I'd hoped.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas really, I have to cook a lot of food. I may need to warn my husband in advance that purging is inevitable. Maybe he won't bust my chops too much seeing as how I'll be the designated chef that day.
I plan to cook a Pork Shoulder and rice, my famous baked mac&cheese has been requested. My daughter wants cupcakes for dessert. The only thing I would want to even possibly eat that day is mashed potatoes.
My husband has brought me Caesar Salad, double the dressing and fixings. I don't want it, ugh just thinking about it makes me nauseous. Its sitting in a bag in my fridge. I hate that he brings me food sometimes, he has no clue to the things I would really love to eat. He brings me random food items. Once he brought me watermelon, I'm not a fan of watermelon blech!
My weight is back to 111 as I predicted. Oh and now my period is coming on, I'm spotting. Here comes the bloat, should be meddlesome this week for sure, inaccurate scale readings ahead!
Despite the b/p which was considerably low today only twice, I would say it is a good day. I feel positive, I think the tide is turning in my favor, I hope more good news follows.
So this is my very peaceful Monday complete with a workout this time and 800 calories burned..


Dylphe said...

i'm so happy that you can finally start on the changes you want to make. 2011 will be your year. things are looking up, i'm excited for you.

Anonymous said...

that's awesome you've got insurance now, i'm happy for you.
that cat made me giggle lol

*Broken* said...

Congratulations sweetie!! Now you can get your life back, I´m so happy for you =)
I´m really glad your dauther is feeling better!
I did had scares while purging a couple of years ago...
Lots of love

starvingartist said...

So happy for you!

HELP I'M POOR!! Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...