Thursday, June 23, 2011

Big Fish in a little Disordered Pond..

                                                                                                                                   Mood:Sad


I'm deleting people from my life today.
I can't do this anymore.
Last night after 18days of sobriety, I caved and b/p.
Triggering scenarios all around, so many friends who don't want to change, keep on and on with behaviors, I can't.
It's a choice between them or me and I choose Me. I can't have these petty backstabbing competitions, fake friends or constant exhausting conversations.
I feel incredibly selfish right now and like the World's Biggest Most Horrible Friend, but I don't wanna die. I don't want to end up in a Hospital.
I want to get better.
I want to be a Mom to my Daughter, I want to maintain my weight, take my Meds, find a job, move into a bigger house, socialize, Eat like a normal person again..
I can't do these things with the friends I had, the people who constantly are unwilling to change or secretly try to trip me up. I won't have it for one more second.
I'm sorry, so very sorry...
I think its time to really change, it won't happen overnight, but I'm gonna try to make break for it.
I think I've held on to unhealthy friendships for so long because deep down inside, there was an still is a part of me that wonders about Failure, if I failed who would be there for me. That's not a valid reason to be friends, its not fair to any of us. I wish all the deleted a good life, I hope you can find the thing that makes you happy. I will try to find mines.
I'm not perfect and the road ahead will be long and winding, but I know if I try my hardest I can make this life of mines work again.
I have to start all over today and get Mia off my back..damage control now, I've backed up my digestion with all that binging. I have to rehydrate and replenish all the lost electrolytes.
So once again, I'm so very sorry. I just can't go back that place, I'm a big Fish in that little pond, and I need to go upstream now.
Maybe one day when you've chosen to get better we can be friends again, in the meantime I bid you adieu!


4 comments:

Claire said...

I love you, do can do this, you can get better and reclaim the life you deserve! If you ever need anything I'm here- if you need healthy recipes I can always help! All the very best xxx

Mich said...

You are most certainly not selfish for wanting to distance yourself from friends like that. Personally, I believe that you can't be a good friend to anyone unless you take care of yourself first. And it takes a very strong person to walk away from unhealthy friendships, especially if you've known the person for a long time.

You can make it upstream. You just have to keep swimming. <3

xoxoxoxoxox

Peridot (G+P) said...

I love you.

You deserve life and health and happiness.

Gonna miss you.

Sorry I don't have the will to fight any more :(

xoxoxoxoxo

Dani said...

loveu and im so proud of u hun
u make u happy and no1 else

Begin

 Tomorrow is my first day back at work. It's only for four hours but after almost one complete year of rest and self isolation, I'm ...