Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Crisis Center is looking mighty fine..

I am real drowsy today, I don't feel like seeing my therapist or anyone for that matter.
My face is somber.
The morning is quiet and I get dressed and everyone up for the day. I'm driven quietly to the clinic and dropped off.
Yesterday I cried a lot. I talked myself into letting go of feelings, I've set them free somewhere away from me.
Happy Tuesday friend no more, I feel humiliated and small. That's what I get for putting myself out there again. I'll try to talk less to him so I can officially detach any leftover feelings I have for him.
He wants to have me in his life no matter what, friend, or lover, he says he cares.
I don't work that way. I don't like the in between. Its not fair to me.
So I'll cut the chord for us since he won't.
I'm in the waiting room reading Wintergirls again, my therapist arrives looking very pretty today in a turquoise dress. I smile at her, its not genuine and she sees right through me.
In our session I tell her everything that's happened, and I even cry. I never used to before, but I feel safe and trust her enough to do it now. She consoles me, and then gets tough with me.
We actually do a pro and cons list of our own, we talk about everything. She doesn't like Happy Tuesday friend, thinks he's a loser who's life is headed nowhere, she doesn't like that he is incapable of meeting me halfway.
"You're moving onto better things, he likes to stay put." she explains to me. It all makes sense.
So she tells me to cry it out, get it out and move on.
She is excited about  a possible move to Orlando, she thinks I will thrive there, she likes The boy, she thinks he's sweet and honest.
Our session was good but I still feel down.
At home and my husband is moody, he wants to know whats wrong with me, so the tears start up again and I tell him that I feel depressed and overwhelmed, which is true.
I'm worried about my housing appointment on the 19 of this month. My husband speaks softly to me and tries to reassure me that things will get better, he'll fix the car, laptop, etc..the same promises as usual.
I nod my head and think of suicide.
That's all I've been thinking about these days. I'm very tired.
The fight is hard.
I get an email from The Boy; no subject.
It's a picture he took while at work, says he misses me.
The first smile I've had all day happens now.
I decide to shower because I feel like I need to cry some more, and there is no other room here with a door that locks.
I towel off and stare at my body, my awful mishapped body. The fat is everywhere, I grab at random and pull on the flab. How am I suppose to love this?
How can anyone love this or me?
The day goes by rather quickly, leftovers are heated up for my family, after a long debate I decide to binge.
I go at it twice and then workout.
I was planning on taking my pill and going to bed early but The Boy IM me and refused to let me go until I cheered up some. Around 10:30pm Happy Tuesday decides to text me, after not hearing from him all day long. I hit ignore. I have nothing to say to him, I'm tired of the repetitive conversation.
At midnight we say goodbye and I pop the pink pill and sit on the couch with my husband.
I've heard how addictive this pill can actually be and now I see why. I stay up as long as I can, the woozy delirium is amazing, to be completely numb, abstained of feeling anything.
I wish I could feel like that all day.

Today Wednesday and it's raining outside, I wish I could sleep in but someone at the clinic told me I have my new Case Manager coming by today.
I call the office because they never gave me a time.
Now the shit storm ensues..
Its a woman and she is a cunt, an unhelpful one at that.
My paperwork for housing needs to be filled and ready before the 19th, this stupid whore says she is too busy and can't see me until the 16th!
I also have a packet that the Dr. Jerkoff has to fill out stating my mental conditions, this packet can actually speed up the moving process for me. When I told Jerkoff to fill it out, he handed it back to me and said the Case Manager deals with that and all he does is sign off on it.
So I tell the Cunt Case Manager this, now she says that she can't help me with that..
Why is this whore telling me NO without even seeing me in person or even looking over my paperwork!
I start to get worked up.
I think I may be stuck here in this studio for another year.
My child support hasn't gone through yet, I'm suppose to provide proof of income, how am I gonna do that now?
My sister calls and hears my depression over the phone, she starts to get worked up and bitches at me, she tells me to head down to the office and demand a new case Manager and Dr.
Explain to the ones in Charge that I'm being ignored and not helped.
It all sounds simple except I feel like I can't do that, people scare me, authority figures, making phone calls, confrontation, all of these things hinder me from doing a thing.
I feel really bad today, I've already b/p in frustration. I'm dizzy
I have no anxiety so that means that b/p can go on all day. I'm so weak and alone.
I know what I have to do, but it feels so impossible to do it.
I bought two boxes of laxatives, I don't know why. These thoughts in my head are not pleasant ones, I feel like trying to get back down to 90lbs and not caring how sick I get, I feel suicidal anyways, what if I go out this way instead of the immediate way.


Sam said...

I understand not wanting to confront people and be assertive. I am not that kind of person so I tend to get walked on a lot. What I find helps is if I talk to my sister(who is ubber assertive) right before hand, to get pumped up, and take down some notes of things to say and that way when I get to the actual place I don't chicken out. Good luck with everything, I know it will all work out because God knows you deserve better.

Dani said...

wow hun im sorry docs can b asshats hence y i dont trust them adn dont go much even thoughtthe boy begs me to go i need a speicalist for my stoamch issues but never had luck but i gotta get it figured out
i just started yelling at my doc it didnt work or listen but it felt good to get it out
take care hun stay strong

Peridot (G+P) said...

Happy Tuesday friend was good for a shag but was so NOT relationship material! You need to ease back into the dating world, but don't give your heart to anyone that you decide to sleep with. It's too precious for that! You need to carry around a stamper that says 'Fuckbuddy Material Only' and plant it on their foreheads so you don't forget. . . Orgasms CAN and DO produce a false affection that can keep you with total retards long after you should have kicked them to the curb. *Points at own 18month relationship with cunt who never brushed his teeth* 'Nuff said -.-;

GrargblmjnjbfraiuldgsbfvhdsbrkugRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hate bureaucratic wankstains!! You need to get amped, put on your Game Face and go in there and raise hell. Can you get your Aweseom Sister to come down and Go With? This shit just isn't ON!! If I had enough credit on my phone I'd get their number and go apeshit at them. (BTW I have Skype now. Do you use that thing?)

The fight is hard. Damn hard. It doesn't matter how slow you go so long as you DON'T STOP.

Fucking red tape games. Don't let them fuck you around. Use the thought of another year in that tiny shoebox as incentive to UNLEASH and latch on like a bulldog. Don't let go or quit hassling them until you get the results you want.

I'm going to finish Jake's hat, plow out the 2 pig commissions so I can pay my reggo and start work on the Rhymenocerous. I also saw a pattern that might amuse you, but ssshhhhhh its s SECRET :3 There are PLANS people, PLANS!!!1!

I hope you have a good weekend. If you need a distraction, watch the Yogscast Minecraft playlist. They're BRILLIANT. I'll see if I can afford a gift code before the official release (Planned for November) so you can has minecraft too :D You could EVEN come play on Kevin's server if you felt so inclined. There aren't many of us on it, so it feels kinda empty :(

Love you <3

Mich said...

You're still fighting the good fight. And you will win. Keep fighting. <3 <3

I think maybe you're right cutting the cord with Tuesday Friend. Sounds like he would just leave you stagnating. The Boy sounds much more promising.

That woozy delirium can be very nice. Most of the time I force myself to stay up longer as well, because I like the feeling the sleeping pills give me. :/

It's hard to confront people about things like that, especially when they're already being so unhelpful. I hope everything works out. Sometimes I find that if I really work myself up into a homicidal rage, that makes the confrontation easier. And then you'll probably frighten them into helping you.


Claire said...

Don't give up hun. You're worth pushing through all this crap. I completely understand the fear and non wanting confrontation but you'll be so proud of yourself that you stood up for your rights and are better off for it. Don't stop fighting, you want to get better- I know you do!
Try and enjoy yourself with the boy, don't doubt yourself, you're a wonderful, funny, gorgeous person. If I can see that I'm sure he can too. Why not try and believe him? xxx