Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The only thing worse than staying is leaving. I can't get away from myself.

Tuesday was awful.
My husband and I barely spoke to one another, I think maybe a total of twenty words were uttered all day.

I was supposed to go to Housing and the Post office even, instead I woke up at 6am Hungover and sore all over my body.
I head to the bathroom and look at my body. My left rib really hurts and the headache is here. Do I weigh or not.
I decide against it for now. I can't take another blow, I've taken even of those last night.
I stare at the meds and decide against it. I'm very confused right now about a lot of things. Seems like everything lately is getting to me. I don't know if I'm making right choices anymore.
What are right choices anyway?
My daughter is up after a few pokes and sheet stealing on my part. School routine on.
"I'm tired!" she won't stop.
Well you know what baby, Mommy's tired too.
My husband is passed out asleep in his little twin bed, I feel dizzy today and need to grab on the counter or lean against walls. Not eating is starting to get to me. Drinking a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach doesn't help either.
My husband is actually awake and taking my kid to school. He says nothing to me as he leaves, we don't even look at each other.
I pick up the apartment some before laying back down. When I open my eyes it's actually 2pm..I've slept all of the day away. I didn't get anything done.
My daughter has tutoring today so there's no rush to get her. My husband is awake and getting dressed to leave. As he heads out the door I ask him where's he going, not because I care, but am I getting our kid from school or is he?
He says nothing and bolts.
As I start to make the beds the new house phone rings and my husband is on the other end of the line.
"So I gotta move out this month?"
I feel like I'm going insane. How many times can I tell him the same answer?
He hangs up on me.

I'm too sore to go anywhere, I don't want to be seen.
I stay in bed all day. I try to workout and can't.
At night my husband starts his drinking.
My sister calls me and I can't talk to her when he's here. She knows this but tried to talk to me for a minute. My answers are short and vague. I don't smile or give her conversation. He's listening.
She can tell that something is wrong and tries to coax it out of me, I can't get into details so she gives up.
The boy comes online, he and I are back to that friend stage.
I'm headed in March to visit my sister in Orlando. She has started making this known at work. The boy has started asking about me a lot. My sister called me last week confused..
"You two talking again, he sure won't stop talking about you.."
He wants to know when I'm coming to visit. So he and I talk for a little bit.
He wants to hang out again when I'm up there, I told him we would have to see. Right now I'm in no mood for making plans.
He cracks a joke that actually made me smile wide, and in that very instant my husband glances at me.
I see that little flicker in his eye and I immediately regretted smiling.
I get scared.
I end up logging offline and ignoring everyone.
The more my husband drinks quietly, the more I know thoughts of who knows what start to fester in his head.
I think I need to learn the rules.
No smiling, no talking to family members, no drinking wine, no smoking, no laughing, no working out, no computer..
Stay out of his way and don't piss him off. All I can think about is is Christmas night and that first awful fight, all I kept saying was why? what did I do?
I don't get how someone's anger can get so outta hand. Why is my life less valuable than yours?
If he's mad then the trouble starts.
I was debating going to bed early or not, I wanted to avoid an argument. So I did.
This morning the same thing and he even took her to school. I head to the bathroom and cry in the shower. I feel like a prisoner. When are things going to change, what is going to happen next month. I didn't do so well living alone last time, I'm scared all the time now. I'm scared to enjoy anything.
I towel off and weigh.


I'm not even happy about this to be honest. I don't know what to feel. I'm finding it easier now to refuse food altogether. How much weight will I lose then?
I dress in a white long sleeve thermal and black skinny jeans, it's cold out today so I will need a scarf.
I decide to wear a very long knitted scarf that someone gave me last year in the mail. Her name is Vivian and we bonded over our love of Chanel no. 5 perfume.
When I used to work, right after my mother died and two years before Lil Miss B. was ever in the picture, I used to actually spoil myself. This 100$ perfume was one of many things I did. Now that I think about it, I used to be happy back then. Yes I was emaciated looking and weighed as much as my daughter does now, but my god I was happy with my body. My eating disorder was not as awful as it is today. I didn't even know back then what eating disorders were.
I used to even eat, not a lot, but I never counted calories or exercised much, my husband worked all the time so we hardly saw each other, he wasn't as possessive as he is now. Things seemed so much simpler then.

This particular scarf was sent to me in a package one Tuesday afternoon. It's very long, so long I have to wrap it around my neck 3x keeping me incredibly warm. It's black and pink, green and baby blue..most importantly Vivian has saturated the thing with Chanel no.5 perfume. To this day it still smells that way.
The smell is comforting and reminds me of happier times.
I'm thinking a lot about my weight back then. I think maybe being that same weight again will actually be the thing I'm missing. Or I could be wrong.
My husband is sound asleep as I leave the house and head to the Housing office to inquire about my case.

 Outside the breeze and cloudy overcast put me in better spirits, getting out the house is what I need.
I have my Buspar with me, I chase that down with a shake. I'm anxious and very dizzy. So dizzy in fact I think driving may be a bad idea. Nonetheless I have to go. The drive there is slow and I'm working on my breathing and listening to the music in the Cd player, anything to keep distracted and not focus on the attack that's trying to take over. I feel so sleepy, my eyes want to close on me but I keep on, sipping slowly on my shake and praying I don't crash. I keep smelling the sweet perfume and think about better times. Will good things happen soon?

I finally manage to make it in one piece and get out of my car. It hurts to take deep breaths today. My kidneys hurt as I bend over to reach for my cane.
A woman parks next to me and argues with her husband before cutting me off on account of my slow walking pace and goes inside the office..the automatic doors open and I turn to my left and say Good Morning to the security guard. The woman guard gives me a sincere smile and she and I share a little insight-manners. The woman in front of me said nothing on the way in as I'm sure countless others. Manners are free by the way.
The one thing I've learned is that you must always be nice to others, it takes seconds to just greet someone.
In all my time dealing with government offices I've also learned it's important to keep the guard happy, because it only takes one to delay you from anything especially if you don't have an appointment. They are the Gate Keepers.
I'm finally seen and it's all good news. I am on the list, I am approved for the next available two bedroom that opens up, I just have to wait for them to send me a letter in the mail with an appointment to come back and review my choice of apartments. I am going to have three choices and must pick one place to move. I stay there for a complete year then I can transfer anywhere in the USA if I want to move outta state even. That may come in handy.
I'm incredibly tempted even now to just move away with my tax return. Head up to live with my sister and start over. I want to be near people that love me, I need that.
My daughter is home now, I got her from school, she got Yellow today and yellow is limbo. My husband is up and ignoring me. I wish it was Friday, the weekend I have the house all to myself and I can drink and just be. I don't have to be scared or sad.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to take my meds, my depression is here and it's getting worse by the day.
I think I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be seen. I feel as though I have nothing whatsoever to say anymore.
I'm emotionally and physically drained. The stress is starting to show on my body. I've cut my nails short on account of all the picking at my face that's been going on this week. My face is shredded up and I'm finding it harder to stop hurting myself in any way I can.

I just wish sometimes everyone would just go away and give up on me already.
 I feel defeated. I may pull a disappearing act this week. I'm not sure yet, I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to make sense of things but I don't know who to trust anymore, maybe no one.
Day 9 no b/p and day 3 no eating.
I'm not hungry.