Monday, April 2, 2012

Working Girl

This morning I wake up and immediately hop on the scale.
Not good *heavy sigh*
Looks like eating yesterday doesn't seem like a good idea today.
Not happy, here's Eddie!

I'm brewing coffee and start sipping on it only to be completely disgusted with it and myself.
I pour it down the sink.
I'm nervous today about my job interview, I wonder if I'll be able to say all the right things and will make a great impression.
I'm really putting all my eggs in one basket with this prospective job offer.

The only thing standing in my way right now is my ED.
It doesn't let me live the way someone my age should, it has dwarfed my mind to the thinking of someone completely incompetent at times.
It doesn't allow me to enjoy things anymore.
It makes me question my morals and obligations.
My perception is off.
It doesn't allow me have proper relationships with people anymore.
I never want to get attached or have anyone truly know and love me.
I'm scared of it all the time.

This morning my thoughts are with a dear friend of mines.
I worry about her constantly, her weight was at an all time low and she didn't see the emaciation that was taking over her appearance. Her health was deteriorating.
She finally went to treatment and had successfully made four weeks ED free, yesterday I hear she has relapsed and is now being sent away IP because she's lost a considerable amount of weight since her release.
This makes me sad like nothing else.
If someone like her, strong and determined can have all the help that has been made available to combat this illness, can come out on the other side and still go back to behaviors, then what hope does someone like me have against this thing?
What can I do differently that can save me?

I'm finally getting dressed and it's incredible how the stupid number on the scale can dictate how I will feel today.
I can't seem to focus on getting dressed, I can't make a decision on anything to wear.
Everything looks wrong on me, I feel huge.
My web cam is on the fritz again, so my sister's opinion on my interview attire is a bust.
I know the clothes won't get me the job, but right now I just can't seem to put one foot in front of the other.

What to wear, and I must choose fast as the time seems to be slipping away from me now.

 In the end I go with the white blouse, the pink one just screamed look at me, and today I want no one to lay eyes on this over inflated body of mines.

I walk to the interview, if I land this it would be a godsend, it's only ten minutes away on foot. I would save tons on gas. Not to mention exercise, any little opportunity to burn off excess calories that I'll be consuming every morning with coffee and fruit.
The walk is nice, it's sunny out with a hint of a breeze. I'm passing by a familiar street and lawns are being mowed today. I pass by a small patch of flowering Three Leaf Clovers and pick one for luck, yes it's not the more sought after four leaf clover but I think they are great just the same..

The long walk helps clear my head and I start to get butterflies in my stomach. I work on distracting myself and think of all the good changes that will come if I actually get this thing.
It works.
I arrive at CVS shortly after.

I'm ten minutes early.
I believe I have a prescription that needs to be picked up so I do just that, while I wait, I take a glance around what could possibly be my next career move. Looks intimidating but I've never been one to back down from anyone or anything. This is how lessons are learned.
I let the front cashier know I'm waiting on the store manager. She calls him over the P.A and I wait nervously.
The store manager arrives to greet me and I have to smile wide as I shake his hand and introduce myself.
His handshake is firm, I like that.
So guess what?
My store manager is a fox.
He's of average height and has dark black hair, it stands out against his pale skin color, his hair sits in a part to the side. He smells strongly of expensive cologne and is wearing a loud orange dress shirt with his name tag to the left above his shirt pocket. His black slacks pressed nicely into a crease. His big shoes are a shiny, polished black.
Noticing his color choice in dressing, I'm glad I didn't wear the pink shirt.
His eyes are very large and blue, so blue I can't help but be entranced by them, I don't want to stop staring at the blue little pools.
He speaks and I'm smitten, an accent.
The kind of accent that sounds like he is saying Jess when it's actually Yes.
I swoon at accents, I can't help it, this man could read me the dictionary and I'd be fanning myself from blushing too much.
He says his office is a little bit crammed at the moment and wants to do the interview in one of the store aisles. He takes me to the Easter Display. So in between, plastic grass filled Easter baskets and chocolate Cadburry Eggs, we begin my interview.

We go over my application and my job experience, then he asks me "Tell me about your background."
It took me a second to answer correctly, he wants to know job history specifics not life stories lol.
I'm very qualified. He asks me things and I answer very quickly, short decisive answers. I take notice how he nods in agreement at everything I say and doesn't stop smiling. I step outside myself for a moment and don't recognize this woman talking. She is confident and bubbly, she is likeable and honest. I envy her.
My interview is a success and now comes the formalities of it all.
Due to new CVS policy two interviews are now required. I'm to do this all over again next week at another store nearby. Afterwards a background check is ran and forms filled out. Then I'm off to train for a few weeks so I can be Board Certified to work in a Pharmacy. My daughter's Godmother is the one who will actually train me, and I get paid for the training too.
By all intents and purposes I am hired.
Another firm handshake and a wink from my new Store Manager before I go.
So there you have it, a job.
Walking home I feel numb. My thoughts are with Ed and the chatter begins, the tug of war of should I b/p or not?
I should be walking on air, instead it feels like quicksand.
At home finally and my sister and baby's godmother call simultaneously to inquire about my interview, they are delighted.
 I fake enthusiasm with them both.
I should be happier.

Maybe I keep waiting for the disaster. I always think any minute now someone will come around the corner and slap the ice cream cone from my hands.

I thinking of that saying that goes "You'll get what you deserve."
That can be good things too, they are not always disappointments lurking round the shadows.
I need to remind myself that it's okay to have hope and just enjoy the blessings. Whatever is meant to happen always does, and what's meant for you, no one can ever take away.

I take a nap.
My husband calls at 2pm exactly, I wake up surprised and for a second there forgot I did my interview already, I thought I was late for something.
He calls to complain about my daughter, her behavior in school is slacking again, her annoying teacher who only speaks to any parent only about negative things, decides that my kid needs to improve her attitude.
I hear my ex scolding my daughter and mentioning something about her crying.
If it's not one thing it's another..
He says he will pass by, he needs hairbands for her.
I find it odd that he walked to get her from school.
He arrives five minutes later and we do the exchange of goods. My daughter looks upset. I want to tell my daughter that Mommy found a job, but I can't just yet, if my ex found out about this little bit of good news he'd be sure to find some way to ruin it for me, so I will have to keep it secret for now.
Back to bed I go.
I will write tonight and get drunk.
I'm triggered now and really want to b/p.
I think I may, I just feel so down with this Ed.
I wish I could just accept this weight and not go into a panic. Why is this so hard?
How does anyone get better from this thing.


Jenn said...


I'm so excited for you to have a job at a pharmacy!!! that is so fancy and just perfect for you.

Honestly, I think it will help you with ED because it will provide structure that you need.

I wanted to chime in about your friend who relapsed. Not in a bad way. Only that you were saying, if this could happen to someone with all these resources and help, you have no hope. Well I think that just goes to show that no matter what someones life situation or finances, they can't get better until THEY are ready. For reals.



Anonymous said...

Congrats on the new job!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you and so proud of you! I have said this before and I will say it are one of the strongest women I know...your strength is inspiring! Hang in there and give ole Ed a kick in the crotch...he's a douche! Enjoy your blessings...God has given them to you...He means for you to enjoy life and He's giving you a much needed hand. Just keep swimming Lou! :)