Monday, November 12, 2012


I apologize for being such a lousy blogger lately.
The truth is I've been too busy with work, and homework even.
My kid had a project that's due Tuesday, she's suppose to draw a logo from a stadium here in Miami. It also counts as an Art grade.

I think she did a great job.She also has a ton of books to read and another Science fair project due (ugh) there's a book fair and Parent's night too. (I rhymed!)
So many things for one little Lou to do.
I have a meeting with her teacher on Thursday.
My ex called me last week at work no less and bitched me out on the phone because the teacher called his attention about my kid talking too much.
The pregnant pain in the ass teacher also made stupid remarks like "I only see the mother on Fridays where she picks up her daughter and leaves; the mother needs to take more of an interest in school" or some shit.
More of an interest?
Who do you think does all of these projects and things her dad? I think not.
Just cus I'm there when the bell rings everyday after school doesn't make me a bad parent.
I wish the pregnant pain in the ass would just go on maternity leave already.
I want to say Thank you to Sarah for knitting me a lovely cowl. It's beautiful!
It's also kept me warm today at work when I needed it the most.

I also want to say sorry to her, she's lost a dear friend. I'm so sorry honey, my prayers are with you and yours.
I hope God gives you strength to get through this trying time.

Work is hectic.
This week I'm working 10hr shifts, although today was actually 11hrs on my feet, no breaks. The only time I actually sat down was twice when I went to the bathroom.
Tomorrow is another long day, 10hrs.
I don't know how long this will go on for, but I hope not long.
I'm freezing in the Pharmacy, I dress in layers and sweaters and still my fingers are numb and my hands too. I'm always cold.
Stick in the ass is on vacation until the end of the month.
At least there's a silver lining after all.

I've lost three of the five pounds I gained.
My ED is very loud lately. I've been eating way less, well actually I'm living off of meal replacement shakes, coffee and water.
I'm taking my meds and supplements regularly which is good. The new dosage of my depression med is coming along. I don't feel all over the place so far, no uncontrollable crying fits either.
Any sadness I experience is mere loneliness or self loathing for my body.
I have more anxiety than I care for, but that's something I just have to work through.
Eating anything scares me. I wish I could just have a meal and not panic afterwards.  Feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.
If you were to ask me 'Do you see yourself recovering from this?' my answer would be I just don't know anymore.
 Most days I try to eat, but minutes later I purge everything.
The feeling of emptiness comforts me, like my slate has been cleaned. A fresh start.
The only problem is that with every failed attempt, I'm getting sicker and sicker.
I've started to feel dizzy again, it comes and goes.
I feel so isolated and cut off from everything. I could go all day without talking.
 I just feel like there is nothing for me to say.
I walk around at work, float here and there, busy busy busy, not really there even, detached from everyone. I'm not being myself (who ever that is anymore) because I'm not honest. I have this hidden illness. This weight on my shoulders.
The worse I feel, the worse my ED gets.

I had an appointment with Housing, I was nervous about that too, I brought all the necessary paperwork. They don't start processing anything until December. I'll hear back from them then. They'll tell me if my rent goes up.

I go on vacation next week to see my sister. I'm happy to get a break from everything for a few days. I'm not looking forward to the cold nights up there but that's what layering, jackets, scarves, and cute cowls are for, oh and furry boots!
I'll be cooking all the time I'm there, Thanksgiving trimmings and birthday things.
Hope I get a break from ED that week too.

My daughter's birthday is November 26, 8yrs old very soon.
She wants to cut a cake at school with her classmates. I work so much this week, time will be tight. I think I can manage a quick Happy birthday on Friday at her school, but I have to check with pregnant pain in the ass and see what she thinks.

My boyfriend and I are trying to make more time to see each other.
My hectic unpredictable work schedule, plus his own schedule are cutting into us time.
We make the most of our time together and that's what counts I reckon, Quality not Quantity.
We'll be hitting that seven month mark in a few days (happiest 7 months in my heart)
Time is speeding by, soon the year will be gone again.

I'm headed to bed. Hope you all are well and staying strong.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Omg she should do the logo for the new stadium in town here. Their logo is horrible, it looks like picasso got drunk and puked in a blender.

That bitchy teacher will be singing a different tune in a few years. Muahahahaaaa! I hope her spawns get your revenge on her when they hit their teens :3

What kind of shoes do you wear to work? Do you want some nice floofy sheepskin lines to cushion your toes and keep them a bit warmer?

The only time you really lose is when you stop fighting. You are worth it, don't give up on yourself.

I hope you have a good holiday. Stay warm and don't freeze any bodyparts off!

Love you <3