Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Over Thinking

I'm tired.
I'm worried.
I am not okay.

So I got my new schedule for the week, I'm only working on Tuesday.
I've paid my rent and just have enough left over to cover my cell phone, laundry and gas, and groceries.
I'm in deep doodoo.
What can I do?
Well I can worry, worry about my daughter and how I the man/woman of the house can provide for her.
I don't know how working one day every week will cover all my bills, I don't know, I just don't fucking know.

To make it all worse this stupid fucking eating disorder won't just let me alone.
It's demanding, it wants to take over, it wants to start the healing process.
When I feel most out of control, it wants control.
It wants to center me, keep me grounded, become a starting point.

I could listen.
It says things like "you are a failure, you will lose your apartment soon because you can't make rent, or you will have to downgrade as if I haven't enough already, as if I don't cut back enough.
You stupid girl, did you think you could actually make a life work without someone else taking care of you?
You're not fit to raise a child, you're not clever enough to work a job again. You are just too weak. If you could just die already then we could all just move on, but because you are still here every morning, I have to make it all better.
The first thing we have to do is get all this weight off, you've gained so much this year. This is a factor, this is why things are falling apart slowly for you.
Lose weight.
Exercise more.
Stop eating.
Stop b/p.
Don't get too attached to things, to people.
Noone can help you idiot, everyone is holding you back. Everyday empty words and promises. Stupid, stupid girl its just you, its just us."

More time to myself means more time to focus on behaviors.
I've stopped so many this year, am I any happier?
My clothes are tighter, my face fuller.
I'm not in control of anything anyone.
When did I stop caring about my appearance?
I'm so confused.

My teeth hurt so much, my hair is everywhere, it falls out so much I don't need haircuts anymore, it trims itself.
My kidneys hurt, from Ed or Alcohol? I don't know anymore.
I'm tired all the time, I crave sleep.
My ovaries ache and I have cramps, followed minutes later by vaginal spotting.
My body cries out for medical attention.
None will come of course, I need insurance and have none.

Hope is hard, some days I just don't have it, the bright side is obscured, almost to the point of being bleak.
I don't know how to be positive for long.
It's hard.
This fight is all mines and I don't know who's winning.
All I know is that my faith is being tested.
I see no finish line in sight.

I'm so tired of talking, I've run out of things to say.
Do you think Ill of me if I told you I almost went on a pro-ed forum tonight?
That I crave nothing more than to lose all this weight in any fashion possible as quickly as I can?
Deep down I feel bad about it but a part of me just doesn't care anymore. I really just want to be sick, to be as sick as possible because once upon a time that made me happy, even if just for a moment.
I hold onto that fleeting moment because most days it's all I have.

I'm sorry for my negativity but I'm just so scared of what's to come.
I have to provide for my little family.
I've lost everything once before.
I don't want to fail again, but it is what it is.
Life, it's hard.
We are not all meant to succeed.
We are not all happy endings.

I work tomorrow from 10:30-8pm..after that nothing.
I feel embarrassed going to work, I feel like a joke.
Maybe I'm deluded thinking I'm doing this great job, when maybe I'm not.

"Failure can be differentially perceived from the viewpoints of the evaluators. A person who is only interested in the final outcome of an activity would consider it to be an Outcome Failure if the core issue has not been resolved or a core need is not met. A failure can also be a process failure whereby although the activity is completed successfully, a person may still feel dissatisfied if the underlying process is perceived to be below expected standard or benchmark.
  1. Failure to anticipate
  2. Failure to perceive
  3. Failure to carry out a task
Loser is a derogatory term for a person who is (according to the standards of the observer) generally unsuccessful."-Wikipedia

So that's it, just wanted to vent a bit, maybe I'll vlog tomorrow. For now just wanted to write a bit.
Miss you all, have heard less and less from most of you. Be safe, as safe as we can be with mental illness.
Thanks for listening and not judging me.

1 comment:

Peridot (G+P) said...

What the fuck? Why did they cut your shifts that much? That is BULLSHIT! How many hours do you have down on your contract?

Your ed is full of shit. It wants to give you the ILLUSION of control while it wreaks merry hell on your life.

You are so NOT a failure. You have a job and you're bringing up a fantastic wee human and you're just fucking awesome.

We all have black times. It's ok. Vent it when you need to.

Have some cuteness-antidote?
And a laugh?

Arohanui <3


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