Friday, May 30, 2014

Hi there

Yes I know it's been a long time since I've last blogged, actually writing. Sorry about that.
Well let's see what's all been happening with me lately.

I've been working some, it's gradually slowing down. If I had an actual bar graph you all could see how Lou stock is plummeting.
The car has been okay, I mean other than the last time it drained more of my savings away.
I've actually been so broke I've had to ask my ex's mechanic to give me back the 60$ I gave him to fix my back tail light which by the way he hadn't fixed yet, something about not finding the part in the junkyard, possibly having to order it aka buy it NEW from the dealership.
So I told him look sorry but I've changed my mind about the repair, I need the money more than the luxury of having a brake light that works.
He complied of course but never bringing me the money himself, instead solely depending on my ex to deliver the money.
I was skeptical I would ever see the money again but my ex actually came through for once and didn't make shit harder than it sometimes is.

I got to have a date with my boyfriend last Wednesday which was nice, we went to see the new Godzilla movie which was very decent.
Our date took a sour note when I couldn't read the GPS right and we sort of got lost and walked lots of blocks in the opposite direction for about 15 minutes.
We finally made it to the regal Cinema on Lincoln Road near my job on the beach, with about 10 or less minutes close to show time.
Once inside the confines of the cold dark theater we were golden.
Afterward I suggested to my boyfriend we head over to eat somewhere.
I was good but a date isn't really a date without a meal afterward so that's what we did.
I decided to take him to this old pizza joint I used to haunt back during my club kid days.
We ordered a huge pizza and even dessert in the way of Elephant ears.
I was actually eating up until that full feeling came on.
By the time we were done and I was in the car driving home, the food started to rise in the back of my throat and I knew for certain the minute I got home I would be purging everything.

Purging has been curbed a lot, I would say I've cut it back to maybe twice a week three if I'm doing especially bad.
I've been eating less that's true but in my defense I mostly keep it down.
I'm really tired of Bulimia, god am I so tired.
I've been working out a bit more which helps with me being okay eating cause then I could just burn most of it away.
Laxatives unfortunately are still being abused. I have a hard time quitting those cold turkey just yet.

I'm so tired all the time, my Insomnia is bad, most nights when I'm not drunk, I sleep only 3 hours a night.
Insomnia, no food, full of laxatives, I don't know how I'm still standing.

I usually suffer from a stress rash but this week it's more of an all over rash.
I don't know what to do or why has this come on.
Nobody else here seems to be afflicted by this but me?
I don't know what's going on with this Judas body of mines.

My daughter is okay, she actually passed the 3rd grade!
I was thinking the worst, maybe summer school or even her repeating the grade but no she's good.
I know my ex has not been sending her to school most days when he has her, I've had a talk with him already about that.
I hate that she goes with him every week and there's no way to know just how irresponsible he will be or what all will happen when she's out of my care.

Summer is upon us and that means no more school for her.
I've discussed with my sister about my daughter leaving for the summer with her to Orlando.
It's all set for next Sunday except that I haven't told my ex yet and I don't know how he'll take it but there's no other choice here, at least not for me.
I don't have a sitter for her and the truth is I really need to work more.
I need to network more and go to other pharmacies that could possibly need a night shift or afternoon shift filled. I'm just the pharmacy technician for that.
My job is not a steady thing right now, I don't have a set schedule which is nice I'll admit because I can come and go as I please but it's also not the best when it comes to having enough when its time to pay the bills.
With my daughter gone for the summer I can focus more on working.

Yesterday my Work husband Big Gay Al called me.
It was Thursday and I originally had the day off, My old pharmacist New Mommy Central sends me a text asking can I possibly do 4 hours at my Home store.
I agreed because well it's been slow... FOUR HOURS!
I got to work with the Country Pam who is okay.
Work was great, I got a lot done and even helped out some Older Man to the best of my ability.
He was so grateful he actually pulled a manager aside to let him know just how well I helped him.
He said he would call corporate and put in a good word for me hoping that I would somehow get rewarded.
He was very sweet and it was my pleasure to help him with whatever he needed, I only wished I could do more.
Sometimes we get so busy and behind in the pharmacy our customer service can falter, but in those moments when you can make the time, you do make a difference.
I get a call from Big Gay Al and I already know what he wants..
When I call him back after my shift is over he tells me the New Pharmacy he works at is hiring.
Right now they don't need a technician yet, in a few more months after they have done all the remodeling and expansion of the store they will, in the meantime they need cashiers and someone to manage the Front of the store.
He's recommended me and says I am a "Happy, dependable, lovely helpful person."
He'd like for me to go see the new store tomorrow Saturday, and just have a talk with the Manager and see what all they need and possibly if that could suit me, a little more hours and work.

I called my kids godmother who is the lovely soul who has given me a shot at life again via employment and ask her for advice.
See the thing is, it's a conflict of interest to work at another Pharmacy,
to which she responds "What they don't know won't hurt them."
Having her blessing gives me slight hope that a second job may be possibly in the future works.

I recently got a letter from the IRS saying I was owed monies from 2010 taxes or some nonsense.
998$ to be exact.
Seems exciting but frankly I'm unshakeable until I see it for myself.
Well people don't get excited because my ex calls me Wednesday after dropping my daughter off to say he got a check in the mail with both our names for that amount...You see!
So we've split it down the middle, I got 500$ to put back into my savings.
Something better than nothing I guess.
I admit I got excited over the possibility of possibly almost 1000$ all to myself. My sister was uber happy even asking me to give her 100$
Sorry sis.

Today I worked at that other store on the beach.
I've worked there on Wednesday too with that male pharmacist who we'll loving call Mr. Anal cos he is.
Mr.Anal and I get along okay, he actually told me I did a great job right before I went home.
Things with him went rather smoothly until an old hag came to Drop off...
It was none other than Terminal cancer Cunt who I had horrible problems with once who gave me such a hard time, so much so I had horrible thoughts towards.
Well, she was back and equally as rude, she started going on and on about this and that. When I couldn't help her because she was so fucking vague in what she wanted she begins to insult my intelligence.
I turn To Mr. Anal and tell him to deal with her because I refused.
He did and incurred her wrath but he's used to it.

Today Friday, I worked that same store again.

The mornings of floating on the beach when my daughter is here is hectic. I have to both get she and I ready in the span of an hour.
It's not easy. We get to school a little after 8:15, the stupid dog makes me later.
Yes I said DOG.
Well a puppy actually.
There's a large Mutt puppy who is a stray and is starving.
I recently tried to shave a couple of bucks and buy my cats CAT CAFE instead of ALLEY CAT brand cat food.
The cat's hated the change, so much they refused to eat it, so I'm left with a whole bag of useless cat food.
I have an outdoor stray cat(s) I already feed, but it's way too much food, so I decided to share some with the stray dog I see as well.
In the morning already running behind schedule, after walking my daughter to class, I share most of the food with him. This poor dog is so hungry he is salivating over the pile of calico colored X's and O's...
Afterwards I drive as quickly as possible to work.
I'm super anxious all the drive there.
It's hot out plus the morning commute bumper to bumper traffic..
A text from New Mommy Central distracts me. She's telling me what a good job I've done with the customer from Wednesday, he did indeed call corporate to song my praises.
The good new settles me down some.
 I'm especially cranky because I've not slept, only four hours this time.
As if that wasn't enough, I've mistaken my pay this week and it's less.
I have enough for rent and to pay my DSL. The rest has to last until the next payday which isn't much. I'm looking on surviving with about 80$

It was very busy today at work, but nothing I couldn't handle, an overall great day despite one customer that rubbed me the wrong way.
This old cunt.
 The phone kept ringing and I had a dead tone at the end.
This Old cunt comes along complaining to my pharmacist Dementia.
She's upset someone keeps hanging up on her, my pharmacist lets the cunt know that it's her phone that has the bad connection.
The Cunt continues her tirade and even says she will report the "'person" responsible.
When it's time to fill her meds I go ahead and ring her up. This old Cunt looks me straight in the eye and says "Why did you hang up on me?"
To which I responded Lady I've never seen you a day in my life!
I also tell her when she kept insisting that I wasn't going to hear it a second more, I told her to stop it and Lord she did.
I think she wasn't expecting that response from me, she hadn't rehearsed the What if they're not intimidated speech...
Anyways the day was okay after that.

I've had customers give me Candy for the past two days, one man today giving me Coffee flavored candies (bless his heart) and another women fresh from her hometown visit to Munich giving me Chocolates from a shop there.
Both sweets I plan on sharing with my boyfriend.

I'm a bit itchy and somber from all these bills and being broke, but what can you do. I'm two pounds less than yesterday and still here.
My life is what it is.

I hope you all are well.
We'll talk again soon.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

You look tired

I'm very tired.
Work is getting harder because the pharmacy leaving perfectly busy stores with only one technician...ME!
I know my friend wanted this other beach store to be the place for me and all but man am I tired.
I'm secretly glad this is not my home store because they have a huge clusterfuck of problems I can see why the other tech quit!
Wednesday was too much, work was so hard!
The phones kept ringing and the pharmacist is putting everyone on hold.
I answer the phones and am just apologizing at this point.
Had some stupid cunt give me shit over some conversation I never had with her, she even acknowledged she didn't speak to me per say so wtf bro!
She's the assistant to the ambassador of some shit and I'm like look I'm sorry you were on hold but what can I help you with?
She ripped me a new asshole folks.
We're talking sodomy here!
She even asks me my name and says she will call and complain about me.
So fucking unfair I never even spoke to her or put her on hold.
No one comes to my defense I may be in deep doo doo here because the ambassador of idk wtf is pissed he was on hold and his fucking CIALIS and XANAX is not ready.
As a matter of fact this assistant of his comes to pick up his petty shit today all the while staring at my name tag, very docile today. Oh she knows, she remembers me. She tries to play it off, not such the big Man now huh bitch?
I know exactly who she is and give her dead stares.
How can you just mess with someone's livelihood here. Bitch you don't know me, don't know what I have to deal with day in and out just to pay bills and take care of my daughter.
This is my life, I'm not the assistant to anyone, I'm a single mom trying to make ends meet here.

The exhaustion always comes the night before when I'm supposed to be asleep but am not. Then the wave of sleep hits me early in the wee hours about 5am where I sleep till being rudely awakened by my alarm at 7am.
My head is always pounding by then-ALWAYS!
I wake my daughter up for school and it's a rush to get us both ready in the span of an hour.
Yesterday Wednesday afternoon, my ex drops her off from school. He's extra chatty today and keeps looking me over lingering on my face trying to make eye contact which I've seldom been doing these days because well I'm just getting disinterested with it all, feel like I'm on auto pilot most of the time.
He makes small talk and I just want to go inside my house.
After a very fucking busy day yesterday I have to head home and make dinner because there's nothing to eat here because I don't eat. If I lived alone would be bloody emaciated because Fuck food!
As it happens everyone around me is human and needs nourishment so I'm chained to a stove.
After my daughter gets home I'm told of "Fun Day" at her school aka 5$ admission that her dad pawned on me at the last minute. Dinner is ready and she and I both eat.
I purge till I can't anymore.
I work out twice because Fuck You Lou.
I fall asleep a lil while later.

After my daughter and I are ready this morning I have no gas in the car, the money; I have none on me, never any cash...
I have to be at work at 9am and it's already 8:20!
Everything that could go wrong does.
I have a 10 dollar bill in a ceramic piggy bank called "Vacation fund" pfft I'll never vacate anywhere except my mind maybe it seems at times. I have to raid it, but ah of course its a five dollar bill I need so I buy two meat pastries for a buck at some cafeteria by her school, and then get detained with detours, garbage day  and traffic before reaching my kids school.
This is not my morning, I hate when things get like this.
I park far away and rush into her school, I kiss my kid goodbye and haul ass back to my car.
Near where I parked there's a sweet stray puppy that's wagging his tail and ever so hungry so I toss both meat pastries his way, the poor thing scarfs em down.

I have horrible, horrible anxiety driving to the beach because my car I'm so traumatized that any minute will break down.
I feel sick because well laxatives.
My car has no air conditioning so the drive in the heat helps nothing for me to feel better.
All I can do is pray to God that my car doesn't malfunction and shut off while I'm driving and I don't crash or have a heart attack behind the wheel.
After 15 minutes of driving at 60mph on the freeway to the beach I'm finally over the last ramp where I can exhale and worry about a whole new set of crap.
What will the day be like?
Work is so fucking tedious. I try to catch us up today as best I can.
I have other stores asking me to work for them, other stores?
When will I get a break in the middle of the week.
This beach store has scheduled me for Monday 9-1, then that same day head over to the other store from 2-9!
That's like 10hrs in one day alone! Bloody hell man.
Next week have to work also that same Friday from 9-3 (6hrs).
That's it, next week am taking Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off! I can't. I need a break.
My legs hurt so bad at work today. The minute I got there with two minutes till 9am, I took migraine pills immediately.
The day was long kept staring at clock counting down what seemed like the longest 5hrs ever!

"Can you work this Saturday?" the pharmacist asks.
I tell her have no sitter, she sighs disappointed.

My work hubby big gay Al and I have been chatting more and more outside of work which is nice.
He surprised me last night by telling me he was going to be at the very store I was in at 2.
I tell him the cruel irony I was leaving at that time!
He shows up today at 1:30 which was very sweet just to get to spend some time with me.
Aww if only all my marriages were this considerate.
At 2pm I'm speeding out the parking lot to get my daughter from school.
I'm so tired my thighs ache.
I get her from school with two minutes to spare.
My ex calls me to chat.
Hmm he's being awfully nice?
He tells me he's concerned for me, that "I look tired."
Well I am thanks for noticing.
He's tired himself and will try to get Wednesday off next week to keep my daughter longer and give me an extra day off with no kid.
My kid and I get home, I feed her leftovers and go to sleep.
She wakes me up two hours to tell me she has bugs in her room.
When I look her hamster food is full of weevils!
I toss the food away and spray the room. I Frontline the cats for fleas while I'm up.
My kid is upset crying because her hamster may get bit by bugs or die idk.
I'm not in the best mood today so I'm not exactly empathetic towards the rodent.
I fall back asleep.

My brother went to trial today and I have no idea what's happened.
His lawyer never called me so even if I didn't work today I couldn't go cause I didn't have all the info.
My sister and I are incredibly frustrated with his constant phone calls and requests.
We both work very hard and have kids, taking care of another person is just too much on our hearts right now even though he is family.
It's very depressing to lie to him about our days because well he's in prison, no matter what we go through we still have our freedom.
It's sort of rude of us to keep living normally when our brother cannot.
Or at least that's how it feels like anyways.
I haven't heard from him in two days so I don't know if he's okay. I have been thinking of him guiltily all day.
Seems like all my complaints are so petty when someone else has it harder.
We're all he has and that's a huge bite to swallow.
I think I'm a bad sister.
I just have a lot on my own plate that I don't want to eat (insert ED pun here) without someone else dumping their leftovers on my plate.
I'm nervous, tomorrow work at a brand new store I've never been at that's notorious for its disarray.
I'm very depressed, so very depressed.
At some point driving today was entertaining possible deaths that I could bring on while driving just because I'm so very tired of waking up with aches and pains that never seem to let up.
How can one desire to live when life hurts.
God the other day at the grocery store couldn't even buy anything to eat because I was so hungry. I just walked the store forever and ended up with just a low fat chocolate milk that cost 1.19$..

I feel so alone.
You can't possibly imagine how much my heart aches.
How constricting it feels.

Have been bleeding again vaginally for no reason.
Was thinking what on Earth is the matter with me. Maybe I have Cancer.

My work hubby texts me and I tell him how tired I am and will be taking much needed time off.
He suggests we have Lunch Thursday, Idk about eating but will definitely take him up on the company.
He was very excited about seeing me, that's nice.
I'm glad I make someone happy.
You should've heard him gushing about me at work today to the Pharmacist on duty.
I have no idea why I merit this but Thank You for saying so.

Today is my boyfriend's Mom's birthday, I've been so preoccupied with my own welfare I didn't know the protocol for his family and so as usual he's giving me shit.

The truth is been caught up in my own life, too concerned to worry about anybody else's.
Guess that makes me a stupid bitch girlfriend in his eyes.
Oh well guess I can't win them all.
Maybe love just isn't enough these days.
You have to be ever so mindful of others too or else you're not a "goodhearted person."
Never said I was perfect.

Thanks for reading my nonsense.
I'm going to take my exhausted ass to sleep because tomorrow is another stressful day for me.
Love you all Goodnight.

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