Tuesday, December 20, 2016


It's Monday and I'm actually writing instead of binge watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.
I'm pretty tired, drove an hour to see my boyfriend who has moved even further away recently.
I love him but fuck do I hate commuting, I'm sure he does too since he does his own to see me.
This won't be the most riveting blog post, but I just feel like typing.

I'm not too keen on driving. I can never be one of those people who just drive and stick their heads out windows, sunglasses on, enjoying cruise control. I'm the asshole who cuts you off because you drive too slow.
I don't give you chances to cut in, I don't care if you have your blinker on, blinkers are for bitches, you have to just take the pussy, er, I mean road, and cut in there. Road Rage!? Of course! I will mow you down with my silver monopoly piece of car. I hate you other driver, I hate your pretentious SUV's and Sedans. If I weren't so poor I'd be just like you.

I speed because I'm almost late to things, also because I have no air conditioning, so driving at high speeds almost guarantees me a setting on a newer car ac's dial called LOW.

My body feels odd lately. My T Zone is oily, my pits feel a bit of perspiration, what's going on?
Am I going through Menopause? Is this because of the eating disorder?
Oily skin has NEVER been an issue before.

I did stop taking my birth control for one or two months..not on purpose but because I just forgot.
No baby and two periods later I'm okay in that department.
I couldn't even picture a life with an infant  again, I'm not against the idea, if it happens I'd probably just keep it and continue to struggle anyways, hell I can get by, I've managed to not ruin us for four years, I think I could survive.
I haven't been eating. I've been drinking 40% proof Vodka.
I've been starting early around 7, I drink myself into a stupor very quickly because there's nothing in my stomach.
If I eat, and that depends on what week it is and how I'm feeling, it be twice a week.
That's it. I'm not allowing myself much else.
 I have been drinking for two weeks straight. I find myself at a certain time of night, an hour or two after I get home a little bit after 6 o'clock, craving the numbing alcohol.
It is numbing right? On your skin and in your liver.
Most of my days are like this..(you may want to sit down, browse Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.)
Wake up and rush to get ready for work.
Feed harem of stray cats and 1 duck I have adopted outside, rush to work.
Work, Dragon, sporadic text to my boyfriend, Mini, Shorty, 4:30, time to go home.
Sit in traffic for an hour.
Get home and feed harem.
There's not much food being mentioned
 Being depressed is a catalyst for this current wave of Anorexia.
They feed off each other and drive me insane.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now, not eating feels okay. I'm always working, by the time I do get home I'm so exhausted I can't even think about preparing a meal.
I have headaches all day long, no seriously all of the time.
So I'm not hungry, I've already gobbled 4-6 Ibuprofen, the only medicine left is the alcohol. That shuts out any body aches or headaches I have daily. Numb.No more sadness, worry, bitterness, loneliness, just unconsciousness.
Who needs food?

I've lost weight this year.


Animal Kingdom with sis!

There is no goal weight, there is only what I feel, what I think, what I deserve.
I'm not working out, I wish I could but I have no motivation. I've become sluggish.
I'm tired a lot, my body aches, most days I'd love to walk out of the pharmacy but I can't. I have loads of responsibility my way.
My daughter turned twelve last month, she's into anime, video games and colored hair.
I'm just in shock she hasn't hated me yet.
She's been diagnosed with high cholesterol levels so I've had to change her diet. Trust me, I'm not the one to say what one can or cannot eat.
I don't want to say NO to everything but you'd be surprised at how many high cholesterol foods  you consume unknowingly.
I'm trying to just get us healthy or rather her. Lots of fruits, yogurt, wheat ad low fat dairy..

It's almost my bedtime, I'll be right back. More to tell when I'm not so pressed for time,
Goodnight all.

Be safe.


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