New Year's Eve 2010

                                                                                       Mood:Depressed
Last day of this horrible year, what does the next one hold for me?
More loss, death?
Misery, Hospitalization perhaps.
I don't know and that's okay. I think that I'm never given more than I can handle everyday; maybe there will be better up ahead, things that I have been waiting on, promises fulfilled.
Tonight there's a parade Downtown and I've been invited, I declined of course because I'm just too depressed, have been from the moment I woke up. The crying fits come and go.
My sister called me earlier, the caller Id showed she was calling from her house number, my heart breaks when I see her number now. My sister would always call me from her cell, my uncle was the only one to call me from the house. Its a sad reminder now. Makes me cry.
I really want to feel more festive but I just can't.
My treadmill is dead and I can't even work out today, makes me feel more depressed, what am I going to do if I can't jog anymore?
My husband seeing me in this state does whatever he can to get me out of it.
In the car now as he turns the ignition, my car won't start..
Great I'm cursed, is there nothing that will go my way.
The battery is new?
Finally after and hour or so and lots of tinkering under the hood-it starts.
We can't cut the car off because it may not start back up again. We head to the Vitamin Shoppe so I can buy Calcium and Gummy Vitamins for my daughter. The weather is nice today, slightly tolerable. We then head to Dunkin Donuts where I'm craving the largest cup of coffee possible.
Sweet coffee how I needed some.
When I woke up this morning, the sadness out trumped the craving to b/p.
I was ambivalent on the matter later on still.
"What are you making for dinner?" my husband asks softly staring onto traffic.
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
He suggests Pizza so I won't have to cook.
Cici's Pizza was close by and 3 for 10$ pizzas and cinnamon rolls it was.
Now there was no choice but to b/p. The menu had been set, how could I possibly say no to that.
On the drive home, he stops by a little market and gets me Power Ade zero and two laxatives. I didn't even have to ask, he got me banana's too. Looks like the evening is very well planned out.
Turning the corner close to my house there is a woman having a make shift yard sale, and that's when I see it.
Its a beautiful iron Twin frame, looks like a princess bed.
I tell him to stop the car so I could ask the price on it, I imagine something along the lines of fifty dollars or so.
I was wrong, the woman wanted only 25$ for it.
"It's nice should we get it?" My husband smiles at me, trying his best to get me out of this dark mood.
I nod my head yes.
The iron frame just needs a coat of paint, its easily disassembled and loaded onto my little car's hood.
My daughter is excited, exclaiming how beautiful it is.
We unload it and drag it up three flights of stairs to the apartment.
It took some tries but finally it was put back together and setup.
I look at it in awe and take it as a good omen. How often do you come across something you had no idea you wanted or were looking for.

I'm trying to feel better, the binging is helping some.
I really hope I can stop all of this for the New Year, start differently.
My birthday is in March and I would love to reach my goal by then, I refuse to turn 30 and be stuck at an unhappy weight.
Resolutions?
I don't know if I should make any? Would I stick to them?
Possible resolutions..if I can do any one of these then I've succeeded.

♥Try new things.
♥Start Therapy and be honest in therapy.
♥Find a job any job!
♥Be more Independent.
♥Learn to love myself.
♥Be open to the possibility that someone out there may fall for me and that would be okay, love is not scary.
♥Keep people around me that mean something and are there for me, get rid of the ones that are unreliable and trigger me.
♥Be more girly.
♥Stop the Bulimia!!
♥Make new friends.
♥Finish my Novel!
♥Stop Procrastinating lol.
♥Reach the weight that makes me happy and maintain.
♥Be heard, voice my concerns and opinions more!
♥Stop being so scared of everything going wrong.
♥Take down some bricks from these walls I've built for myself every time something major has happened.
♥Allow people in, its okay to let others get close to me.
♥Go back to school; learn a trade, put some of this additional cooking and baking talent I have to good use!
 ......aaaaaand I think that's it!
Don't wanna raise the bar too much, next year I'll be looking at this and wondering WTF was I thinking!
So now I'm done with the final purge of 2010. I was going to lax and go to bed early, but as I was on FaceBook and everyone is getting into the mood, I'm slowly thawing.
I'd love to have some of you as friends on Facebook, been thinking about adding a profile badge on this blog, whatcha guys think?
Okay so Wine is in the freezer and in a minute going to hop in the shower and wash my hair, maybe throw on some lip gloss and a nice shirt. I think I should just try to be a tad bit positive, I've been sad all day, maybe I can get some sleep tonight finally.
I hope everyone is enjoying the end of the year, its gone and with it all the mistakes and tragedies, broken hearts, unrequited loves, one sided friendships, weight gain and money woes.
Tomorrow is another day to start over with each of our goals and resolutions.

Happy New Year to you all my lovelies, thank you for following me and reading along my journey.
Please be safe tonight and I will write again tomorrow, maybe another resolution of mines will be to try to be more cheerful in this blog, my poor followers I feel as though my rants are so miserable you will all hang yourselves in protest!
So sorry for that, if I had a more exciting life then I'd write about that.
Who knows maybe the rest of my fortune from my tarot reading will come to pass:
✯Loss, Sorrow (my uncle's death; I didn't think this prophecy would hit so close to home.)
✯Wishes fulfilled; I would be getting everything I was hoping for
✯An older woman was suppose to help me with something? (idk who that could be?)
✯A woman wishing the worst for me (some Lou hater out there, I'm sure there are plenty!)
✯Love; there's a man I'm suppose to meet who will try to get into my heart, he will be the one to bring me back to life again..(I'm hopeful for this one)

Oh man the last one makes me nervous, I honestly can't imagine what any man would see in me. I'm so not ready for romance, I wouldn't even know how to date again. Yikes!
I'm going to be open to the possibility that good things can happen to me.
So that's it for tonight, HNW again, see you all in 2011..

Lou and Lil Miss B. wish you A Happy New Year!!





Love and Wishes to you all

Lou ツ

Sad Face :(

                                                                                          Mood:Sad
I haven't seen my Aunt in years, and now here we are on Yahoo Messenger webcamming.
She looks like my uncle.
She had a huge smile on her face and was happy to see me. She met my daughter for the first time, my sister was in good spirits too. Being around family at a time like this always is a good distraction. We raised our wine glasses for a toast, Pinot Noir on my end and Chardonnay on hers, my sister clinking in too with a Miller Draft in her grip-Cheers to Macho!
A heart attack was the official cause of death, its a relief to know what happened. At least it wasn't a fall or injury of some kind that got him, it was something inevitable. He didn't suffer. The sadness I feel comes and goes, I'm fine one minute and a wreck the next. No one around to console me. Hubby tried to hug me and I cringed in his arms.
"Let me hold you, relax, you're like a cat who doesn't want to be petted." his grip on me tightens.
Hugs feel so awkward, I don't like them. Now especially that I look like this.
 I don't know if its just me that feels this way or not, but sometimes I'm embarrassed at the attention my weight causes. Sometimes I don't even want to be seen. I don't like explaining how all the weight was lost, and I don't want a hug from someone to turn into concern when they can feel the hardness of my shoulder blades, or how thin my arms are. Maybe its just plain ol' shame that comes with this lifestyle.
My uncle is gone, off to a better place they keep telling me; he'll be cremated and his ashes will be mailed to me.
I have to go Urn shopping now, where the heck can I find an Urn?
I drank last night too, and there was more fighting between ball n chain and I.
He doesn't want to separate.
I'm so tired of having the same argument over and over-its draining. At some point during the fight I wanted nothing more than to slit my wrist open, it seems like death would be the only way to be free of him sometimes.
Hours and many drinks later, he apologizes for what I can't even recall anymore, and because I already felt defeated, I just accepted it.
The New Year is upon us and I'm not ready for it.
I can't tell you how scared I am for its arrival. I know there are lots of people who say better things are coming and a new year means a fresh start, but to be honest I don't know if I believe that.
I have my guard up. I feel as though more is to come, much much more.
The worst is not here yet.
I've been unscathed so far with this Ed, only two health scares. The rock bottom hasn't been hit yet. I feel too safe, one of these days something has to snap inside me, I'm not that good. I push this body too far at times.
I haven't split with my husband yet, when that happens its going to be bad. He could could try to take my daughter from me, he could even use my Ed as ammunition.
I haven't gone into therapy yet, when that happens I wonder if I can be helped at all, what if nothing can be done for me?
I should be more positive but 2010 has been an awful year.
I can't imagine what better even looks like, seems like such a radical idea to me.
Tomorrow will be pretty quiet here, my husband goes to work and it will just be me and my daughter alone, I dont' plan to drink anything, I may just go to bed early.
My weight is still at 112 and I've b/p too many times today. I feel really sleepy from it, my chest hurts..
I'm drinking water now, and even Pedialyte since I have no more PowerAde.
My treadmill is tripping, was planning a workout and the track would not budge. Just what I need for the dam thing to break down on me.
If it does I'm looking into something else, I don't know what, maybe an Elliptical or one of those new Nautilus machines. I'd love one of those.
I need something that will whip this fatty into shape.
What a long, sad day. Wish time would skip ahead and I could just numb all this out.
Where's Doc and the Delorean when you need them?



My eyes are closing on me, I'm really tired.
I'm going to bed now, I'm done with this day.

Mourn

                                                                                        Mood:Sad
I'm so miserable.
My weight is 112lbs. I'm a huge failure.
I'm binging right now by the way, more fuel for the fire.
Yesterday, I got drunk, I didn't sleep either.
My husband and I got into a huge fight. He told me about an affair he had, he said he cheated on me cause I was fat after I had my daughter. I'd cheat on me too.
It happened awhile back, but it still hurt me. My ego is bruised. I'm replaceable and easily disregarded. We fought about everything last night. He and I both drunk. He said I would be nothing without him, that he will be okay, but when I leave him, I'll be nothing. He says he won't take me back. He says I am ruining my daughter.
He said so many things all I could do was cry, I'm in mourning and I can't just be in the moment, he made the night about him.
I feel heartbroken today. I can't stop crying, my eyes are so swollen. I'm stuck in Miami and no plans have been made yet for my uncle, there is no money to bury him, my poor sister is scrambling around trying to find a solution. I've FaceBook relatives for my uncle, his sister was finally found and responded, she may be able to help.
My nephews who found him are devastated and traumatized. We are all in an upheaval. My daughter starts school soon and I hope plans are made before then
I'd like her to go with me, but if she can't then I'll go at it alone.
I'm really dehydrated today, my chest hurts and I have that tingly feeling all over my body. I think the alcohol got me good last night.
I drank a little bit of water and some PowerAde but the truth is I just don't care.
My uncle was the only person who called me everyday and always asked me how I was doing. I'm never going to get another phone call like that again.
I can't stop crying, this post may have typos, I can't even see the keys on the computer right now.
Thank you for the lovely comments, you all are so sweet. They mean a lot to me.
This day has been so quiet. I've cleaned the house and managed to throw clothes on, I look awful.
My husband has managed to stay pretty quiet too. I can't even look him in the eye. I have so much on my plate, I feel so lost. 2011 is scary now. I'm scared to lose more, what else can go wrong?
Dear God please, I need some attention right now. I don't know how much I can take.
I just want some normal to return back into my life, I feel like its one drama after the next.

"He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness." –Alexandre Dumas

Please be true..
I need to believe that something good is coming for me. I need to not give up entirely on myself just yet.
I'm not looking to purging, I'm eating tons of bread-ouch. The bathroom is cold too, dam.
I need to make myself workout today, I feel like I want to keep drinking. I think I will, I have two more bottles of wine stashed away.
I really want a cigarette too.
I'd give my left boob right now for some cookies or apple pie. I have no money at all. Plenty of lint in my pocket though.
Dammit, I can't believe I'm gaining now.
I don't know how to get this weight off!
Maybe diet pills again..they are so dam expensive. I need something to just push me into the 90's.
I'm not giving up. This weight will come off, it has to. I have to be able do something right for once, follow through. Finish what I started.
Okay getting full now.
Going to purge and then workout, shower and get drunk. Plenty of crying in between.
There may be a drunk post tonight-stay tuned.

The best uncle in the World..

R.I.P
Jose "Macho" Morales
3/19/42-12/28/10





                                       

One more scar for you Lou..

                                                                                  Mood:Inconsolable

Yesterday I did so good.
No b/p at all, I was so proud of myself, all I had was half a Power Ade Zero, Water and one Protein Shake (55cals)  before I worked out. I couldn't believe I did it. I actually had things on my list leftover to do still. I felt so alive. I did not binge till my stomach hurt, I did not have to be bent over a toilet bowl purging for minutes on end.
I was free for a whole day, I felt hopeful.
 The protein shake was for energy, I needed it if I was gonna work out.
I drank it and because protein takes so long to digest, it made me feel full for the rest of the day. I worked out and burned 700 cals.
I didn't lose anything but I didn't gain.

Today the day continued, woke up at 10 and my husband and I headed to Walmart. The car wouldn't start this morning, my battery was dead and needed replacing. On the drive to Walmart, I felt fatigued and weak; hubby suggested coffee to help me. I thought it was a brilliant suggestion.

So my day started off with coffee..

We went ahead and stopped by Movie Stop and racked up on plenty of oldies to watch later, the idea was to eat leftovers and watch movies.

We headed to Walmart and then on the drive home, I got the phone call.

My sister called me and told me my uncle was found on the bathroom floor unconscious, he was cold and not breathing...

The paramedics took him and worked on him.

I panicked and started to cry. My sister and I are the closest to my uncle. He's gone back and forth living with the both of us.

I was unsure if he died or not at that moment, the details were still sketchy. At home now and waiting on news from my sister, the paramedics took him to the hospital to work on him further was the last I heard; I was a wreck.

My husband took my daughter to the park, while I tried to calm down.

I went ahead and binged. Fast ruined.

During my purge, the phone was ringing, I missed the call.

I called my sister back and she broke the news.

He died..

We spoke for a minute, after the call ended I finished purging and jumped in the shower where I sobbed hysterically. A few minutes later my husband burst through the door concerned and I tell him the news.

My uncle who was the last tie to my father who passed himself in 1997; was gone.

I'm heartbroken. There are no words to describe this sadness I feel.

My sister is in Orlando, I am in Miami.

Four hours or so separate us.

Our sadness is equal as we were both the closest to him and will mourn him the hardest.

I have binged like you wouldn't believe. My husband understood. The only thing he asks, "Why do you want to do that for?"

It makes me feel better, I tell him.

He nods his head. He tells me he wishes I would slow down. That sometimes he fears that he will find me passed out naked in the bathroom-dead.

He wants me to deal with things in a better fashion.

I tell him my weight is all I have control over, everything else seems to be a giant waiting game, I feel like others have my fate in their hands.

He then wants to discuss our future, how we should stay together because I'm not well and I need looking after.

I tell him I chose to be miserable all by myself instead of staying in this marriage.

He looks mad now.

We avoid the argument by stopping the conversation all together. It works.

I want to b/p.

He indulges my cravings.

I'm allowed.

So here it is the rest of my night...

The last binge ends with Dunkin Donuts of all things

So now here I am, and guess what..

The treacherous scale says my weight has gone up to 112 of all things.

I don't know if that weight is accurate or not but I'm so numb right now, I don't care.

I can't stop crying, I miss my uncle and my sister.

I'm going to get really drunk right now. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. All I know is I'm fat and miserable, an ugly and horrible person. Bad things happen to me and good things slip through my fingers.

No one will ever love me and I guess I deserve that.

I'm a failure, I can't even lose 20lbs.

Death

My uncle just died.

I didn't b/p yesterday, today I was doing so well too up until right this minute.

I'm so heartbroken, he died alone.

Mia can have me today.

                                                                                             

Gag come back!

                                                                                                Mood:Cold

51 degrees outside.

Monday already and I couldn't be happier. Made it through the holiday smoothly. My husband and I have actually gotten along this weekend very nicely, he's managed to stay outta my hair and I out of his.

Yesterday was pretty bad as far as b/p goes.

Its getting worse in the sense that the number when there is one keeps going up, the amount of times seems never ending.

The purging is getting to that stage where its getting difficult again, I can't seem to bring everything back up quick enough. You know what happens next-gain.

I was at 111, then I'd binge get up to 119 and have to purge all that out; countless times I do this.

 Well my gag reflex is gone now, so my weight got stuck at 112.8lbs yesterday and refused to budge. I purged so bad my left eyelid swelled up, It looked like someone punched me. My vision was blurry, my sinuses hurt and my throat was sore and scratchy. I'm scared now, not because of all of that unbelievable enough, but because what is going to happen when I can't purge? I can't keep all of that inside of me. I hate Mia ugh!

Well afterwards, after crying my eyes out because I can remember 109lbs and how close I felt to my goal then, and now how distant that all seems, I decided to lax. Upped my dose and prepared myself for the long night ahead back and forth to the bathroom in the cold no less.

I got online before bed to read blogs and do research.

In my findings I came across similar Mia's who suffered from this, losing the gag reflex and what that meant. Apparently its our bodies way of letting us know that its had enough, it needs a break from vomiting.

After a few day of not purging, the reflex muscle comes back.

So today, I'm down to 110lbs again thanks to the lax. I've slept til noon and am now in bed. Its too cold outside to move about. I've decided since I'm back at this number to fast. I've only been drinking water so far with my supps and now a bit of Powerade Zero too. I think I'll give my muscle a break and not indulge in b/p.

I might just keep dropping weight if I can actually do it this time, I pray to finally get over 109, maybe this will start up my metabolism again-who knows.

I need a break and I need to stop that non sense all together. Its just so hard and I'm all alone in doing it. I mean really, no one but me can stop it anyways, its just discouraging, sometimes you want to succeed so much and then you don't. I feel positive today, I have my heater next to me, my new book to read and the laptop fully charged.

I would love some coffee right now, but yesterday after a purge, I wanted that one to be the last, I had coffee (idk why?) and then all of a sudden a cracker too, then well..let's just stop there. Obviously that wasn't the last binge of the night after all. So coffee, not so safe.

My husband is off tomorrow and the next day, he's real happy and now wants to go out and do something like see a movie. The idea is nice, but I don't know. I want to see Black Swan, maybe we can come up with a compromise, I'll go see a movie by myself and he can go into the other theater with my daughter and watch something else..

The thing is afterwards he wants to go to Chilli's and eat, grrr!

"I want to eat one of those huge burgers and maybe a nice dessert afterwards, what do you think?" his eyes light up with possibility.

I hate to always say no, I feel like such a selfish bitch because I do want that, who wouldn't you know. Instead I say that I don't want to eat.

He looks discouraged now, I wonder what he's really thinking.

"Well, let's see what happens tomorrow.." he tries to sound upbeat again.

I don't know why he even bothers with me. I go over everything I've just said to him from an outsiders perspective and I come off so cold and detached from it all. I don't know how my life turned in this direction?

I'm a slave to an Eating Disorder. I can't escape it.

Now I'm fasting and super cranky, I'm pissed that I might want to cave and can't purge, I'm pissed that I'm at 110 and I might ruin that-again!

Why can't I just not eat. Just stop altogether, what is it going to have to take for me to get to that point, is there some rock bottom I have to go through first?

Where is my willpower?

I dread this cold, makes my stomach hurt. At least my period is finally gone, a bright side I suppose.

I'm going to occupy myself as best I can, read, workout, housework, I might even make another bracelet. I need more Red around me, positive color, strong forceful encouragement.

I remember when I first made the one I'm wearing now, it fit snugly around my wrist, now it slides all the way to the middle of my arm. I love that..lets me know how far I've come. I think I will make an anklet this time.

I have so many leftovers in the fridge still, so triggering. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will make me gain if I attempt to eat it.

Hmm, I should download some music too, there are a lot of things I've been putting off because of Mia.

A To-Do list it is!

I've been listening to Courage on my Ipod, have it on repeat.

I never knew about this song until my good friend introduced me to it, now every time I listen to it I get so emotional, I love songs that speak to you, that feel like they were written with you in mind.

Okay, going to get out of bed now, put my ITunes on shuffle, and clean my house. Then shower and start the day and fast.

I hope I can do this, if I can just do the first day..

Happy Monday everyone, hope I'm flooding your dashboards with so many posts lately, if I get too annoying, feel free to organize an Intervention.

Best of luck to us all today.

Blogger Hugs and Kisses!

Don't quote me

                                                                                              Mood:Full

Because they took the words right out of my mouth..

Some Quotes; this is how I feel tonight..

..I gorged myself... I forced spoonful after spoonful down my throat..later.. sat hunched.. retching back into the ice cream container.... wondering why it was eating something good could make me feel so terrible, while vomiting something terrible could make me feel so good. -The Joy Luck


Sometimes I wonder if someone will ever come for me, if there will ever be a boy—a man—for me to open to. I wonder if I will always be like this, alone, always forced to content myself with myself, my own hand tucked between my legs so that my body makes a kind of circle, a zero, enclosing the clean emptiness of nothingness, a mobius strip or an ouroboros, a serpent swallowing its own tail. I am a closed system, and I yearn, I ache, I hanker for someone to claim what I long to give. –Jean Hegland, Into the Forest

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody—I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. –Mother Theresa

Fee-fi-fo-fum
Now I’m borrowed,
Now I’m numb.
–Anne Sexton, “The Addict”

It is the docile who achieve the most impossible things in this world. –Rabindranath Tagore
Those who stand back and watch the commotion for years will suddenly take the world by storm. –G. Lorin Swanson

… and all the while I’ll know we’re fucked, and not getting un-fucked soon. –The Antlers, “Bear”


Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old-Kings of Leon "Cold Dessert"


Well, no one’s gonna fix it for us, no one can. You say that, “No one’s gonna listen, and no one understands.” So there’s no open doors, and there’s no way to get through, there’s no other witnesses, just us two. –The Antlers, “Two”


I’m not living with you. We occupy the same cage. –Tennessee Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn’t want it, you cannot take it back. It’s gone forever. –Sylvia Plath, quoted by Elizabeth Sigmund in “Sylvia in Devon: 1962,” in Edward Butscher’s Sylvia Plath: The Woman and the Work

There’s nothing quite so humbling as thinking you’re completely over someone, then realizing you’re not even close. –Brian Strause, Maybe a Miracle

I should come with a consumer warning, like the labels that say “Handle with care” or “May be hazardous to your health.” I am unfit for human consumption. I struggle to articulate how awful and isolating this feels, but I can’t find the words. –ditto

Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn’t stop and suffer with me. –ditto


I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. –WC Fields, quoted in the Saturday Evening Review, January 28, 1967


I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. –Charles Schulz, in “Peanuts”


Accept that loss is part of life, and that sometimes loss leads to fulfillment. This doesn’t mean that you passively just let things slip away from you, that you pretend not to care. It means being brave enough to grab what you can while you can, even though you know it may not last. –Mary D. Esselman and Elizabeth Ash Vélez, The Hell with Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart


Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. –Josephine Hart, Damage

Better to inflict pain on myself than to let other people do it. –Tracy Thompson, The Beast: A Reckoning with Depression

It was easier to lock the doors and kill the phones than to show my skin, because the hardest thing is never to repent for someone else, it’s letting people in. –The Antlers, “Wake”

I am not a joiner. Somewhere I once said that people join clubs now for the very reason they once carried them, a need for security. Maybe I’m alone more often than I should be, because I try to find security within myself. –Rod McKuen, Alone


Why one writes is a question I can easily answer, having so often asked it myself. I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live. I could not live in any of the worlds offered to me—the world of my parents, the world of war, the world of politics. I had to create a world of my own like a climate, a country, an atmosphere where I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by living. That I believe is reason of every work of art. We also write to heighten our awareness of life. We write to lure, enchant, and to console others. We write to serenade. We write to taste life twice, once in the moment and once in retrospection. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak to others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled or restricted or lonely. If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. –Anaïs Nin, “A New Woman”

Writing is easy. Just put a sheet of paper in the typewriter and start bleeding. –Thomas Wolfe, quoted in Gene Olson’s Sweet Agony


I write only because
there is a voice within me
that will not be still.
–Sylvia Plath

To write is to tell the truth. –Ursula LeGuin


When the time comes to leave, just walk away quietly and don’t make any fuss. –Banksy, Wall and Piece

To love something you know will die is holy. –Kaddish, AIDS memorial, New York, 1987

Those who cling to life die, and those who defy death live. –Uyesugi Kenshin

Make voyages!—Attempt them!—there’s nothing else. –Tennessee Williams

A beautiful thing is never perfect. –Egyptian proverb


Whatever you love is beautiful; love comes first, beauty follows. The greater your capacity for love, the more beauty you find in the world. –Jane Smiley

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. –Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl

My life has always felt like an unanswered question. A string of days and nights waiting for something to happen. –Michael C. Hall, in Dexter

I say embrace the total geek in yourself and just enjoy it. Life is too short to be cool. –Shirley Manson

Life is at best a dream and at worst a nightmare from which you cannot escape. –Mark Twain


That paradox would begin to run my life: to know that what you are doing is hurting you, maybe killing you, and to be afraid of that fact--but to cling to the idea that this will save you, it will, in the end, make things okay. -Marya Hornbacher "Wasted"

Merry Christmas

                                                                                           Mood:Stuffed
Merry Christmas to you all, hope you're taking it easy today. I know the holidays are a pain, but one day off from weight worries is acceptable; I'm sorry that's the wine talking. Merlot tonight.
So let's talk about yesterday. I b/p of course, a lot. Mia takes up my time and I couldn't even bother to blog. The hours slip away when I'm with her.
On purge number 3? I honestly can't even remember-
I sat on my couch and suddenly had an annoying feeling in my mouth, I started tonguing the back of my bottom teeth, I had binged on the fried Ravioli's and Chicken strips earlier that my husband brought me, so I automatically assumed the bothersome sensation was a piece of meat.
As I continued to pester the foreign object, it finally came free and was sharp instead of soft, I pulled it out and was shocked to see it was not food but a tooth fragment.
I ran to the bathroom immediately to see the actual damage, praying it wasn't major. Luckily for me it was just a chip from the inside part of my bottom tooth. There was no pain or warning, no sensitivity either, it just came off?
I continued to analyze my teeth and see if it was even noticeable at all, its not.
I know its missing though, I can feel it. I will always know it's missing.
I thought I had lost an actual entire tooth!
 My very first tooth decay thanks to Mia.
The minute my insurance card arrives in the mail, I'm headed right to the dentist to get caps or Veneers. I'm losing my hair and now my teeth. Thanks Mia, you're such a good friend..
Today is Christmas and that means presents and lots of cooking.
I awoke late and immediately put the Pork shoulder to cook in my small oven, it takes a few hours and I really wanted it to go in earlier so it could slow roast. Too late, waking up two hours behind schedule, this is how my day started. I was tired from the night before staying up until 4 am chasing sleep that would never come. I'm up now and  go ahead and weigh-111.4 grr! The number keeps going up and down.
I go ahead and exercise quickly the clean up the house and shower. My daughter wakes up excited at the fact that she can finally open presents. I'm missing some ingredients for dinner and have to wake my husband up and find a store that's actually open today. I lower the temp on the oven and were off to Walgreen's, the one store that's always open.
My husband has this sourpuss on, and I'm dressed very nice today and sort of happy in spite of the long day that awaits me. I hate the face he has on. He wants coffee, he chalks up the face to sheer exhaustion. Its good that he's making an effort at least to lighten the mood.
At Dunkin Donuts now and my daughter and I wait in the car while my husband heads inside to order. We usually get a coffee and a muffins, sweet muffins for me-chocolate chip or blueberry..
He'll order something seasonal or an old fashioned donut. My daughter gets juice and mini's. Today though he brings every one's Else's order but mines, he gets me an odd muffin, something I would never eat? His excuse is that they were out or some such nonsense; my mood swings kick in. Now I feel like throwing hot coffee in his face, the intense anger I suddenly felt surprises me. I don't usually have a reaction like that, normally I would just feel disappointed instead. On the drive back home the sadness begins and I'm just fed up with this. What is happening to me?
I just want to convey happiness, even it's not genuine, just let me fake it at least. I hate these odd mood swings. I never feel in control of them, they come and take over, they possess me.
My daughter finally gets to open her gifts and she's over the moon. My husband gets cologne and a watch, and much to my surprise, Santa paid me a visit too.

Portia De Rossi's Memoir

Coral Stone Ring

A Magnetic Ring for Pain

The Coral Stone ring has an actual meaning behind it, that particular stone is meant to bring good luck. The Magnetic ring helps alleviate pains in joints all over your body, I constantly complain of knee pain. The book and even a small blue book light which I forgot to take a picture of were a pleasant surprise. He remembered I mentioned wanting to check this book out at the library once, hoping that they had a copy even available for me to get a hold of. Now I no longer have to hope; a copy all my very own. I can't wait to read it!
Even the cat's got gifts, laser pointers to chase and furry mice to eat.

So far Christmas was running smoothly again.
Back to slaving over a hot stove. My rice cooker decides to break down on me, I can't believe my crummy luck. My husband had to run out and buy another one. Lucky that he found another store that was open still and carried actual rice cookers!
The one he picked out is really nice, bigger than the one that just died on me and stainless steel, I love it.
 I'm starving and can't wait to binge on dinner. The pork is finally ready after additional hours it had to merit thanks to my sleeping in.

Fresh Red Kidney Beans and Rice, Baked Mac&Cheese, Mash Potatoes and hot, soft Rolls complete the Christmas dinner. I'm happy to not be standing anymore. I serve everyone their food before I fix my own. Now I can eat!
I put away two plates of food easy..

I purge and forgot to mention dessert, which I can now accommodate.
Snowman Cupcakes!
My daughter helped decorate these with me. She loves to help me in the kitchen.

My husband is distracted with basketball today so purging was a tiny bit easier for me.
I got a bit paranoid at at one point, but if it bothered him or not, he did not say. Maybe he didn't want to ruin the remainder of the holiday.
So this was my Christmas, the rest of the night we watched movies and drank-he had a fine Brandy, I have a nice bottle of Merlot.
I want to feel nothing tonight, numb.
Sleep soundly tonight and hope for tomorrow.
Always hope..
The rest of my family is scattered, everyone doing their own thing as usual. I've made phone calls and well wishes to those I care about the most. I've received just as few in return.
 I guess its the wine now that has me sentimental, thinking of past things. Thinking of God and life and how I have no say in anything. He gives and takes away. He's taken away so much from me I'm scared to have anything at all.
People, so many gone..
How can you have people in your life that feel so important and vital one minute and then they are gone?
How do you go on without it hurting as much?
Why does this happen?
Is it a wonder that I don't allow anyone in anymore. That I sometimes want to build the wall higher still until a skyscraper stands and overcasts my light.
I'm sick of losing everywhere else except where it really matters.
There is a part of me, minuscule I know that doesn't allow the complete void to take over. The awful "I don't care" words to be uttered. Can you imagine the  things that could be done if you really allowed yourself to feel like that.
I should be grateful then I suppose that I still have some goodness in me, that there is a piece of me that still hopes that everything will turn out the way I want it because I deserve it.
Just like there is that part of me that trusts in others still even though I always get fucked over.
I guess I'm just one of those people who still believes in the golden rules:

"One should not treat others in ways that one would like to be treated."
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

"Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you."

I still believe in this, I hope to always.

I know it may be hard and foolish to let your guard down, but sometimes I think its nice to be surprised and to let people prove you wrong.

Today started off wrong, but has ended up fine. One day that wasn't an utter failure.

Let's pick one day where we can do that, not be so hard on ourselves, and where we can just enjoy the moment.

Merry Christmas!

This little Piggy..

                                                                                              Mood:Fat
Thank you all for the inspiring comments.
Posted twice yesterday after one too many glasses of wine, hope I'm not too annoying flooding your dashboards.
I'm definitely cutting my hair, I'm just a bit nervous about going to a salon and having someone touch my hair. The state that it's in, I don't know how to explain why its falling out?
Maybe I should think of a lie, stress? genetics? idk.
After one too many post and glasses of wine last night, I decided to go to bed. The strangest thing happened to me this morning, woke up in sheer panic!
I had an awful nightmare that I continued to binge all through the night and fell straight asleep no purging..
It was just a dream thank god.
So today I've been in a state of blah, the strange sudden sadness comes and goes. I don't understand the mood swings I hate not feeling what I'm supposed to at the proper time.
In between all of this I've been b/p and getting the Christmas Dinner marinating for the big day.
This big 18lb pork shoulder will be bathing in a seasoned aluminum tray until Saturday. I'll then pop it into the oven at 6am and let it roast for hours on end. My husband keeps talking about how wonderful this will taste and how he can't wait to eat it. I'm thinking about how awful it will feel bringing all that meat up and how many times I'll be doing so.

My weight is still at 111 and creeping up to 112 I think.
This Judas body of mines is making me wanna give up. Why is losing so hard now?
Why is b/p so easy. This morning in desperation took a diet pill; bone head move, later on I had horrible chest pains and jitters, I still binged and was scared to death to go purge, yet once I started it, that was it-auto pilot!
Now, countless binges still I keep going.
I'm tired of this already, so frustrating. I want this dumb holiday to be over with too, bah humbug, I'm going to fling fruitcakes at someone if something doesn't change soon.
Now I've wasted the day, haven't worked out at all. Unsure if I should finish the rest of the wine, drown my sorrows?
I had to go to the store earlier, I didn't even want to be seen to be honest.
Every time someone sees me now, they comment on my weight loss and tell me don't lose anymore, or they've seen me already and ask what am I doing?
I get mixed feelings about my weight now, sometimes I feel great and then there are times where I feel shame and embarrassment?
I don't know if that's normal or just me. Now I have to cut my hair again, and I know the comments will come too, Why did you cut it, or blah blah blah-random comment.
Really triggered today, really down and sad. I'm being too hard on myself.
I'm just not used to this, to the person in the mirror, I'm not comfortable at this weight. I want it gone, I want it all gone.

So now I'm opening corked wine from last night and I'm going to finish this, I wanted to lax but I guess I'll wait till after the holiday is over, I'll be b/p big time that day so why waste perfectly good lax.
I'm done with today's binges, my husband just phoned and he is on his way home from work bringing me Fried Ravioli's and Mozzarella sticks. He keeps trying to fatten me up.
I had to wash dishes and clean in addition to purging in mere minutes. My hands are shaking now and I feel like I've been running a marathon my heart is beating so fast.
I lost count of how many times I went at it today, I hate when that happens.
Disposed of all evidence possible, even took out the overflowing trash bin.
My knuckle is raw again, keep scrapping the same dam spot open grr.
Its the ugliest scar on my hand, I hate it.
My friend asked me today if i am going to tell my therapist about the Ed, the truth is I may not have to, I think someone in that line of work could take a look at me and tell. The signs are all there if you know what to look for.
I need everything else under my hood checked out first and treated before I spring the Oh yea by the way, I have one of those things, what do you call it? Ah yes an Eating Disorder; confession on the doc.
I don't want them to just focus on disorder and blame that for everything else instead of the other way around. I want to get better not more complicated.
One bridge at a time.
The wine hits me like so quickly, I need a cigarette now.
I'll just try to unwind now and let the night come to a close, the blunders and calories are all mistakes that I will file away and deal with tomorrow.
Tonight no more, please no more.

Advice..

                                                                                        Mood:Ambivalent

I need a haircut.
I'm afraid my days of long hair may be coming to an end.
I'm not in the best of shape right now nutrient wise.
Yes I take vitamins and all, but the truth is, I'm losing my hair.
The Sea Kelp is slowing it down, but its not growing back as fast as it used to.
I guess "losing" is a universal word when it comes to Eating Disorders.
Ugh, I have short hair as it is, but its all damaged and thinning.
Extensions and Wigs are fine, but the truth is they make me feel uglier because its not the real me..
So I've decided to officially cut it all off.
I have no idea if it will ever grow back again, maybe it won't.

I need to just chop it all off officially.. I know I'll look hideous ugh, want to cry just thinking about it.
There are some hair cuts that I'm thinking about and just wanted some feedback.. I hate that I have to do this again, but I guess its just a small price to pay. I don't know how many of you have gone through this or not, but it sucks. I'm already a tomboy as it is, guess now I'll really look the part. Oh well, good thing I'm staying single for awhile, no man will want me after this haircut I'm afraid.
Here they are.

Michelle Williams



Ginnifer Goodwin



Emma Watson

Wishful Thinking

                                                                                           Mood:"Sick"
I'm feeling much better today, that's just between us though,
To everyone else I'm still suffering with a stomach virus-coughs; holds stomach in extreme pain; runs to the bathroom and purges!
Thank you for the uplifting comments, you have no idea how much they truly mean to me. Big hugs and kisses to you all, so sweet. I felt better with each uplifting mention.
Ugh I'm still at 111lbs, grr darn period has me bloated. These cramps are awful. Geesh at what weight do I have to drop down to finally for this menstrual nightmare to cease?
I feel better now I suppose because of all the purging, I got rid of whatever it was in me. I had plenty of meds to help just in case, but from what I read you can't cure Gastroenteritis really, just gotta get plenty of rest and tough it out. My husband has been walking around holding his stomach in protest today, I don't know if I've passed something onto him or if its a hangover that's got him down.
"I don't feel well, do we have any Alka Seltzer?" he asks with misery written all over his face.
The man can drink, ugh just thinking about all that alcohol makes me shudder.
At some point in the night as we watched The Grinch movie-the live action version with Jim Carey, my husband fell asleep with the cup a Brandy in his hand, a noise from the television startles him suddenly and he spills the strong drink all over himself, normally this is funny except that the drink gets most of the couch too and now that particular spot smells like a pub. I can't turn the cushion over because there is a huge chocolate stain on the other side from a binge of pudding or ice cream I believe.
Last night was nothing but one giant puke fest. I discovered something brilliant too, remember I mentioned how everything I purged seemed to be coming up with ease and disintegrated to nothing quickly, well I figured it out. Nope not extra stomach acid-DIET GINGER ALE!!
I've stopped drinking soda all together, but since I was sick and ginger ale was recommended I drank it to feel better, but I soon realized that this was the culprit, it makes purging easier and faster! Instead of wasting your time with Diet coke, please chose this instead, it works!
I got so dizzy at one point had to finally say okay I think I'm done now..
Been drinking water and Power Ade zero ever since.
I've had 439 calories in me today. Worked out for an hour on the treadmill and burned 800 cals, I feel pretty good.
Woke up refreshed and hydrated, cleaned the house, took supps and exercised some more.
Maybe tomorrow I'll lax, I don't know yet.
I want to drop some weight but the truth is with this period its hard to really achieve that, water retention and bloating is inevitable. Then there is Christmas dinner and I'm sure plenty more gain If I'm not careful. Seems like a no win situation at times.
I'm waiting for my insurance card in the mail, and very soon I'll be able to finally see a therapist. I have no idea what to look for or who to trust. I'm fairly new to "therapy" I mean in the 6th grade I had a therapist, (a man) and he was just all wrong, it was a job and nothing got solved, basically it felt like an excuse to get out of class instead of healing. I have no idea how to do this again?
My biggest worry-
What if I find a therapist, and this woman (I don't want a man again sorry) says there is nothing wrong with me?
What if I'm not "sick" enough to get prescribed meds?
Could such a thing happen?
I start to think about this and I get incredibly apprehensive. I don't want to be turned away. I need help.
That would just kill me; how messed up do you have to be to really qualify for help? What are the magic words?

So now here I am listening to Marvin Gaye ♫, drinking a nice bottle of Pinot Noir after my second purge of the night and I'm feeling incredibly light headed.
I'm feeling the alcohol, its getting absorbed after a few minutes.
Cigarettes too.
I want to get drunk really, its been awhile and I just want a little break. No more voices.
I just want to write.
I want to just let my mind wander and think about what could be..
I want to fantasize.
What if I got properly diagnosed for whatever disorder plagued me and then prescribed medication, will I finally feel normal or the equivalent of it. What next a job?
Could I finally be able to provide for myself, no longer be maintained or enabled.
Could I then in turn be able to move on my own, my very own apartment; pay my bills, not need to be married to a man who I no longer love. Will I be okay?
To finally make mistakes and learn from them without feeling like everything underneath me is bottoming out.
Maybe find self esteem again and learn to love myself, to love that person in the mirror. I sometimes purge with the shower on, hot water full blast, for the warmth of course, but more importantly to fog up all the mirrors because I can't stand the sight of myself; that bony blonde girl staring back at me pathetic and worn out, defeated in so many ways, hanging on by the slimmest of threads..
Can I be free of Mia? Can I free up that precious time and replace it with something else, something less damaging and deadly? Will I finally be ready for Ana. To officially restrict and someday maintain. To truly be strong in my convictions.
Most of all I can't imagine a life without love; not letting another in again. I want to be ready for that. I want to one day be sane and fit enough to properly love and be loved by another. Be utterly honest and know that they will understand this mess of a life I've made so far.

"… when I was apart from you,
this world did not exist,
nor any other."
–ditto

To say that about someone, and to have them feel that way in return would make my heart swell with happiness. There are other more important things out there that get neglected and blindsided so easily. I don't want that anymore.
I chose life.
I've been making moves here and there getting ready to officially leave my husband, part of me feels bad for him.
The other half screams at me, there are things that I can't let go, forgiveness that can't happen yet for some reason?
Too many years together. Too much trauma. This has to end. Starting over will be scary of course, but it has to be done.
So much has happened in that first year we separated, this Humpty Dumpty could not be put back together again I'm afraid, I've given it three more years for my daughter's sake but its just not happening. I deserve to be happy too.
I hate that he tries so hard to "reprimand" things.

That is today's attempt-flowers.
The plant I had in there died due to the recent cold weather, so he replaces it. Material things always seem to be the quick fix for him. The problem is emotional not material I'm afraid..
Life goes on, people change.
"I've changed, you should give me the benefit of the doubt.." he constantly tells me.
I know people change, I've changed too, its just not a good one. I'm not the same person I used to be. People do change, sometimes not for the better..
I think about all of this and more as I drink now, everything echos for me.
So many choices to be made, pressure and life altering decisions. How can you push through all of that and still come out a good person on the other side. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't know how to do that, how can I save us all from heartache? I guess I can't.
Maybe its because I can internalize so much suffering and pain that its meant to be my cross alone to bear?
Do you see now a piece of the nothingness that I cannot control.
I get sad now with every realization.

"Darkness" by Lamb

I couldn't see darkness until now
Only light!
(though sometimes the shadows flickered across my view)
Light!

But darkness, this cold emptiness,
Somehow passed me by
Like a charmed thing I sailed
Slipping through its fingers

Blessed until now
Blessed until now

Only now, only now, only now

And I'm beyond recognition
Gone to some small space in silent stillness
Yet something beats anew

Somewhere

I'm waiting to be reborn

Only this time, only this time, only this time
Born in darkness
None can dim my light
None. Can. Dim. My. Light.

I love Lamb, I discovered them one day as all music I fall for, by accident. The lyrics for most of their songs tug at me in such a way, its like they were written for  me alone in mind.
Its been a long day. 2 am already?
I think I need to finish this cup of wine and go to bed before I b/p again. May need to up my supps tomorrow, I'll be alone and really going at it, and then lax in the night; may feel really weak. Hope this tired body of mines is ready for more punishment.
There are tons to feel bad about and not enough ways to lash out.
Night to you all..

Stomach Virus

                                                                                           Mood:PukeMonster

Yesterday after my workout, I ate some saltine crackers-safe food. I had about five and stopped.
There are these chocolate Santa candies that my hubby has bought and I figured one wouldn't hurt. Small thin things wrapped in shiny aluminum, maybe 100 calories max I'd peg.
So I ate these items with no intention of purging them. Just something to have in me to keep me going after the strenuous workout.
At around 1 am my body decided differently. Woke up with the worst pain and nausea ever.
I have a stomach virus, looks like the same bug my daughter had. Maybe it was the chocolate, or maybe its contagious.
I have been throwing up all night long and now today as well. Oh boy I am sick sick sick.

I am so tired of throwing up. I feel like my head wants to pop off.
You'd think well, you can use the I'm sick excuse and get away with bloody Mia murder today which is true I can purge all I want today, but its actually painful binging. Every time I eat my stomach burns and gets hard. It fills up so quickly!
Its like I'm filled with tons of acid, everything I have been purging has been disintegrated in minutes, even bread.
Plus I'm freezing today, I've taken countless showers. I'm sitting next to the heater as we speak, I'm not moving from this spot.
Today first thing in the morning we had McDonald's for breakfast, I didn't want it really, but hubby insisted and so I went. A bacon egg & cheese biscuit and diet soda, hot chocolate and cookies too. I felt like I wanted to pop, I couldn't even walk to the car. The minute we got home I went straight to the bathroom to alleviate myself.
My period is officially on, its messing with the scale I'm still at 111lbs and hating it. The bloat and cramps are here ruining any chance for loss this week.
I can't even workout today. My husband is here for the next two days and he's actually been helpful staying out of my way and providing me with supplies to feel better. He's taken my daughter to the park to play for most of the day. I've been in bed trying to feel better.

We even went to the video store to rack up on holiday movies for Christmas viewing, took another trip to the grocery store for Christmas dinner menu, all the fixings are bought and only await my cooking expertise. Oh joy-food! more lbs to work off.
Christmas is almost here and its time for me to don my Bah Humbug shirt for the holidays..
I'm not particularly an X-Mas person, can you tell? This holiday has lost all meaning already, its just too commercial for my liking.
The overpriced gifts, too many fruitcakes and cookies, the annoying repetitive music. The crowded malls with no parking spaces and the smelly Santa's. It's too much already, let's get this year over with. I'm ready to start fresh.

I'm so dizzy, been chugging the Power Ade Zero now. I think I need more sleep.
My husband has already walked in on me after a binge of soup and crackers.
"Are you alright?" he asks with huge curious eyes.
I have the shower running and the scale near me.
I'm fine, just can't keep anything down today. He nods his head and backs out slowly, closing the door behind him. I've never been walked in on before, thought it would feel different, maybe I'm just too numb today to care.

Its been a long day, I hope to feel better.
My body cries for sleep now. I think I will listen. Hope you all are feeling better than me today, thanks for all the lovely comments.