 |
| So it starts with half a pill.. |
Giving it one final try, tonight I'll take the Clonazapem, what ever happens, happens.
No b/p today,
I don't want that anymore.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wonderland
"You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." -Morpheus
I'm taking the Red Pill and seeing how far the rabbit hole goes..
Giving it one final try, tonight I'll take the Clonazapem, what ever happens, happens.
No b/p today,
I don't want that anymore.
Giving it one final try, tonight I'll take the Clonazapem, what ever happens, happens.
No b/p today,
I don't want that anymore.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Jerkoff
Mood:Pissed
So today I'm suppose to see Dr. Jerkoff, the idiot psychologist who prescribes my medication.
I wake up at 7am and go weigh, weight back down to 110.4lbs, it's gone back down but I'm not happy. Of course not, why would I be, I look in the mirror and see everything that's wrong.
My reflection is distorted, I can point to 15 wrong things just starting with my facial features alone. I hate the way I look, this makes me cry already. It's going to be one of those days.
I wake my husband up after a quick morning workout and shower, I grab a cup of coffee.
I went to bed late again, after True Blood on HBO I webcam with the Boy, it was nice. His hair is a little bit shaggy these days, I suspect its because I made a comment about liking boys with long hair..
He's very sweet and is talking crazy now, he wishes I move up there, he even asked me if I believed in Love at First Sight..
*Heavy Sigh* why do people get so attached to me so quickly? I have no idea if I should start getting scared yet?
My husband pops out of bed and my daughter needs a couple of pokes, I can't be late today or I'll get bumped to the bottom of the list again. My husband dresses quickly and my daughter too. He even leaves out the door with her before I'm even done putting on my shoes, he's rushing me now?
In the car and he's driving crazy, road rage at its finest, I hate when he acts like this, makes me think and feel like a burden. I clutch my seat, the anxiety is in full gear today.
The clinic is full of people of people today, I hunker down with my cup of coffee after I've been to the registration office. I feel nervous and worried. I hate this feeling, doesn't help when there is a crowded room, feels like all eyes are on me. After what seems like the longest wait ever Dr. Jerkoff calls me in.
The usual round of questions are fired at me, even "Do you hear Voices?"
I tell him yes, I try to describe it, I tell him its more than one and they all tell me conflicting things, some good, most bad..he scribbles in my file and doesn't say anything else?
I tell him the positive attributes about the Wellburtin but that it accelerates my anxiety. He says he will not prescribe me anything for my anxiety.
Dr. Jerkoff starts talking now or rather starts saying things he shouldn't to me.
"You have to get out more, the anxiety will go away like that."
I can't believe what this asshole is saying to me, this idiot who doesn't know a thing about my condition or anything about me.
He tells me I have to keep taking the Clonazepam, he even increases the dosage to 1mg.
I explain to him that I don't want the drowseiness, I can't be out of it, I have a six year old with me at all times and have to be able to function..
"Take half then, one half at night, and if you still have anxiety take the other half during the day."
He's not listening.
He said he can do no more for me and to come back in August for a followup.
Its at this point that the lump in my throat occurs, the kind you get when you're trying so desperately to hold back your tears.
He writes me my prescription and cheerfully says goodbye.
He is nothing but a drug pusher, I don't understand then why he just won't give me anxiety medication.
I don't want the Clonazepam, it knocks me out, I hate anything that does that, I have my reasons. I don't want to be under like that unaware of my surroundings, I can't!
I don't feel safe, it reminds me of bad things.
How dare he, I feel like I'm going to cry.
I head to the ladies room and its empty, now is when I cry. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm mad. I'm meek, I can never stand up for myself and say the things I mean when the time is right.
In the bathroom stall I sob and feel like I will never be rid of this affliction, I feel alone in my suffering.
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My daughter starts being a pest, a misbehaved one, this always happens when her dad is around, she knows he will give her anything so she acts out. She wants to run around the store and normally the Idiot would indulge her.
Im in no mood and snap at her. I tell her to behave, in this instant I take my sandal off and wave it at her threatning her to stop misbehaving or I will pop her on her leg, I usually won't resort to this, I mostly punish her by taking things away, it works but at this moment I feel like I have to call a bluff. My voice is stern and a tad bit loud, there is a woman with a rectangular box of foot fungus cream in her hand who is staring at me.
I proceed by repeating my previous satement and add that I don't care who's watching, if they have a problem I'll pop them too with my sandal. The lady turns her nosy face away and pretends to grab something else. My daughter zips her lip and straightens up. My husband even sits up straight in his chair.
"What's wrong with you?" my husband asks quietly, in which I proceed to sum up the predicament which Dr. Jerkoff and what my anxiety feels like, as I'm talking mid sentence pouring my heart out to him, my husband turns his head away and starts talking to my daughter.
The lump in my throat returns, in that very instant I realized that I am truly and utterly alone.
I don't even bother finishing my story, I get up and wander the store to kill the remainder of the time. I head staright o the aisle with all the vitamins and of course diet supplements.
Everything is so overpriced and limited, I've tried the majority of these brands with the exception of that Jillian Michales pill, I forget what its called. I glance at the vitamins and see loads of things I'm out of and new ones I wish I could take but can't afford.
Mia is with me today, I feel and hear her. Its like a soothing rub on your back when you're being comforted, she is speaking very softly to me.
"You're all alone again huh?"
I actually nod my head.
"I know you're sad, you're frustrated, you have so much you put out and never get back in return, who can you call right now at this very moment who is there for you..noone right, am I right?"
Noone, I'm all alone, they all say they care but none is ever around when I hurt the most, when all I secretly want is for someone to hold me and tell me its gonna be okay. There are tears now streaming down my face.
"I'm always here, I can make you feel better. Don't take those pills it's a trap. You know what will happen when you fall asleep like that, bad things will happen, you won't be aware. They'll wait for you to fall asleep and when you're under the trouble starts. You don't need pills, you can manage just fine with us, how about we all take turns, Ana and Me, we're always here for you, we love you. Don't you wanna be beautiful? You can, everyone will love you then, you're too fat still that's why they all stay away..we'll help you."
I wipe my tears away with my sleeve and head to the aisle with food, I don't know what I want yet.
The chips are on Sale for $1.88,
I grab two bags and a jar of peanut butter. I then head to the aisle with the laxatives and grab four lemon flavored liquid Magnesium bottles.
My husband is in the very back of the store with my daughter, my name is suddenly called on the intercom, my meds are ready.
My husband is already there and is surprised to see the food in my hand, I sign for the pills and shove everything on the counter, he says nothing and just slides his debit card when the items are rung up.
My heart is beating very fast now. The anxiety is high and the chatter in my head begins again, this time reasons to not b/p. I don't listen.
At home and there is message on my answering machine, my therapist calling to cancel Tuesday's session, she has a funeral she has to attend. I call her back to give my condolences. I ask what happened out of curiosity, she relelunctantly tells me it was another patient of hers, suicide.
So my session is cancelled, I can't tell her about how sad I am, I can't be saved.
Time to internalize the pain.
So I binge and purge on all kinds of things, whatever I can find in the house. Three times that Monday night.
My eyes close on me after the last purge, I'm really drained. I then lax before heading straight to bed.
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So today I'm suppose to see Dr. Jerkoff, the idiot psychologist who prescribes my medication.
I wake up at 7am and go weigh, weight back down to 110.4lbs, it's gone back down but I'm not happy. Of course not, why would I be, I look in the mirror and see everything that's wrong.
My reflection is distorted, I can point to 15 wrong things just starting with my facial features alone. I hate the way I look, this makes me cry already. It's going to be one of those days.
I wake my husband up after a quick morning workout and shower, I grab a cup of coffee.
I went to bed late again, after True Blood on HBO I webcam with the Boy, it was nice. His hair is a little bit shaggy these days, I suspect its because I made a comment about liking boys with long hair..
He's very sweet and is talking crazy now, he wishes I move up there, he even asked me if I believed in Love at First Sight..
*Heavy Sigh* why do people get so attached to me so quickly? I have no idea if I should start getting scared yet?
My husband pops out of bed and my daughter needs a couple of pokes, I can't be late today or I'll get bumped to the bottom of the list again. My husband dresses quickly and my daughter too. He even leaves out the door with her before I'm even done putting on my shoes, he's rushing me now?
In the car and he's driving crazy, road rage at its finest, I hate when he acts like this, makes me think and feel like a burden. I clutch my seat, the anxiety is in full gear today.
The clinic is full of people of people today, I hunker down with my cup of coffee after I've been to the registration office. I feel nervous and worried. I hate this feeling, doesn't help when there is a crowded room, feels like all eyes are on me. After what seems like the longest wait ever Dr. Jerkoff calls me in.
The usual round of questions are fired at me, even "Do you hear Voices?"
I tell him yes, I try to describe it, I tell him its more than one and they all tell me conflicting things, some good, most bad..he scribbles in my file and doesn't say anything else?
I tell him the positive attributes about the Wellburtin but that it accelerates my anxiety. He says he will not prescribe me anything for my anxiety.
Dr. Jerkoff starts talking now or rather starts saying things he shouldn't to me.
"You have to get out more, the anxiety will go away like that."
I can't believe what this asshole is saying to me, this idiot who doesn't know a thing about my condition or anything about me.
He tells me I have to keep taking the Clonazepam, he even increases the dosage to 1mg.
I explain to him that I don't want the drowseiness, I can't be out of it, I have a six year old with me at all times and have to be able to function..
"Take half then, one half at night, and if you still have anxiety take the other half during the day."
He's not listening.
He said he can do no more for me and to come back in August for a followup.
Its at this point that the lump in my throat occurs, the kind you get when you're trying so desperately to hold back your tears.
He writes me my prescription and cheerfully says goodbye.
He is nothing but a drug pusher, I don't understand then why he just won't give me anxiety medication.
I don't want the Clonazepam, it knocks me out, I hate anything that does that, I have my reasons. I don't want to be under like that unaware of my surroundings, I can't!
I don't feel safe, it reminds me of bad things.
How dare he, I feel like I'm going to cry.
I head to the ladies room and its empty, now is when I cry. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm mad. I'm meek, I can never stand up for myself and say the things I mean when the time is right.
In the bathroom stall I sob and feel like I will never be rid of this affliction, I feel alone in my suffering.
 |
| Tag |
 |
| Mia says Hello.. |
I'm ready to go home, except now I have to get an appointment card for August when I return.
In the registration office and "Jose" is the guy who hands them out.
I feel so many things at this moment, the voices are so loud, they tell me all kinds of things, bad things, crazy things even. I get images in my head of so many ways to release this anguish, to feel something else.
Jose is not good looking, he's average I suppose, dresses okay, smells of too much expensive cologne. He is tan and has one of those Ceasar haircuts. His nails are shiny, I think he gets manicures.
As he is writing me my next appointment and taking too long as usual he glances at me and gives me a quick once over. He's done this before, smiles too long at me or I catch him staring at my breast or mouth.
I want to feel something else indeed. I get an image in my head, I imagine how simple it would be to be bad. To start at this very moment a different, alternate me.
I imagine closing the door to his empty office and sitting on his desk, asking him point blank Do you wanna fuck me?
I imagine him blushing and laughing maybe, before asking me if I was serious, in which I respond yes and grab his crotch. I imagine him getting hard very quickly in my grasp. I imagine him saying yes and then trying to kiss me, in which I'd turn my face away because I wouldn't kiss him, that's very intimate to me.
Instead I would turn around and start unzipping my pants and pulling them down. I imagine him clumsily and hurrily unzipping his own pants and trying his quickest to seize the moment. Entering me rather quickly and coming just as fast. There would be no pleasure for me I don't think, or maybe there would be, sex with a stranger and the controlled situation could be something that could have an odd effect on me.
I picture him in awe exhausted and trying to get information on me to do this again, in which I would turn him down and say something witty.
The point is to do something else, be something else, change. Change; change this long awful stop that my life is currently in. This neverending loop that I'm stuck in.
I feel so strongly in my heart that I'm being ripped in two now.
There is something that has cracked in me. I feel like I shouldn't care. I feel like I wanna try to get this life going, maybe even shocking it into doing so.
How easy it would be for me to do this, to do anything I wanted or at least try to and see what would happen, how much worse could it really get?
I smile to myself and think I wanna try this, not with Jose though..what's that colorful saying, "No way Jose."
I get my next appointment card and politely leave, I feel like the tears wanna start up again.
Outside and its sunny, I wait seated on a concrete raised flowerbed for my husband to arrive. The tears start up again. There are lots of smokers outside wandering the grounds, they pay me no mind, crying outside is normal here.
I'm staring at the cracked concrete sidewalk, averting my eyes from a man who's staring at me, this particular place isn't the best place to meet men. We're all looney here, even the cute ones.
Out of a little crack from the flowerbed's border emerges a Pill or "Sow" bug. I'm amazed because I haven't seen one in like five or six years if you can believe that.I used to play with these things as a kid, they roll up into a tight little grey ball in defense if you poke them. I take it as a sign that my new distorted thinking is the way to go, that I must shock myself into making the change happen.
My ride is finally here.
My husband and daughter arrive and I tell him my prescription needs to be filled at a nearby CVS.
I get the crying fit under control, anyone with two eyes can see that I'm upset.
In CVS now and it will be 15 minutes before my meds are ready. My husband and daughter play with the blood pressure machine, I go ahead and take mines too.
My daughter starts being a pest, a misbehaved one, this always happens when her dad is around, she knows he will give her anything so she acts out. She wants to run around the store and normally the Idiot would indulge her.
Im in no mood and snap at her. I tell her to behave, in this instant I take my sandal off and wave it at her threatning her to stop misbehaving or I will pop her on her leg, I usually won't resort to this, I mostly punish her by taking things away, it works but at this moment I feel like I have to call a bluff. My voice is stern and a tad bit loud, there is a woman with a rectangular box of foot fungus cream in her hand who is staring at me.
I proceed by repeating my previous satement and add that I don't care who's watching, if they have a problem I'll pop them too with my sandal. The lady turns her nosy face away and pretends to grab something else. My daughter zips her lip and straightens up. My husband even sits up straight in his chair.
"What's wrong with you?" my husband asks quietly, in which I proceed to sum up the predicament which Dr. Jerkoff and what my anxiety feels like, as I'm talking mid sentence pouring my heart out to him, my husband turns his head away and starts talking to my daughter.
The lump in my throat returns, in that very instant I realized that I am truly and utterly alone.
I don't even bother finishing my story, I get up and wander the store to kill the remainder of the time. I head staright o the aisle with all the vitamins and of course diet supplements.
Everything is so overpriced and limited, I've tried the majority of these brands with the exception of that Jillian Michales pill, I forget what its called. I glance at the vitamins and see loads of things I'm out of and new ones I wish I could take but can't afford.
Mia is with me today, I feel and hear her. Its like a soothing rub on your back when you're being comforted, she is speaking very softly to me.
"You're all alone again huh?"
I actually nod my head.
"I know you're sad, you're frustrated, you have so much you put out and never get back in return, who can you call right now at this very moment who is there for you..noone right, am I right?"
Noone, I'm all alone, they all say they care but none is ever around when I hurt the most, when all I secretly want is for someone to hold me and tell me its gonna be okay. There are tears now streaming down my face.
"I'm always here, I can make you feel better. Don't take those pills it's a trap. You know what will happen when you fall asleep like that, bad things will happen, you won't be aware. They'll wait for you to fall asleep and when you're under the trouble starts. You don't need pills, you can manage just fine with us, how about we all take turns, Ana and Me, we're always here for you, we love you. Don't you wanna be beautiful? You can, everyone will love you then, you're too fat still that's why they all stay away..we'll help you."
I wipe my tears away with my sleeve and head to the aisle with food, I don't know what I want yet.
The chips are on Sale for $1.88,
I grab two bags and a jar of peanut butter. I then head to the aisle with the laxatives and grab four lemon flavored liquid Magnesium bottles.
My husband is in the very back of the store with my daughter, my name is suddenly called on the intercom, my meds are ready.
My husband is already there and is surprised to see the food in my hand, I sign for the pills and shove everything on the counter, he says nothing and just slides his debit card when the items are rung up.
My heart is beating very fast now. The anxiety is high and the chatter in my head begins again, this time reasons to not b/p. I don't listen.
At home and there is message on my answering machine, my therapist calling to cancel Tuesday's session, she has a funeral she has to attend. I call her back to give my condolences. I ask what happened out of curiosity, she relelunctantly tells me it was another patient of hers, suicide.
So my session is cancelled, I can't tell her about how sad I am, I can't be saved.
Time to internalize the pain.
So I binge and purge on all kinds of things, whatever I can find in the house. Three times that Monday night.
My eyes close on me after the last purge, I'm really drained. I then lax before heading straight to bed.
Tuesday and I'm so tired, I've been up all night shitting.
Things start to quiet down after 9am and I manage to get an hour's sleep.
No session today, I go weigh and I'm down to 107lbs..
This won't last of course, its not real. I feel dizzy and need to go lay down.
I've spent the remainder of the day cooking, my husband is off today. We watch movies and I continue to b/p 3x today. I workout and even manage to get some reading in.
I feel numb.
My weight is back up to 108, I'm retaining water, my body is holding onto the salt too. I'm really dehydrated, I've been over seasoning my food all day.
The pills sit in my medicine cabinet. Four bottles of Clonazepam now.
I should gobble them all up since they want me to take them so bad.
I feel really depressed today. My Happy Tuesday friend IM me, I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. He is never around when I need him. He is the shittiest friend ever.
He wants to know what happened so I tell him, even about the b/p party I threw myself.
He begins to lecture me. He begins to say the ususal song and dance that I'm used to. He thinks I can get better, that I chose to be like this.
He doesn't know me. I get defensive and tell him he doesn't know shit. I try to push him away and tell him that I think I just need to be alone right now, that I don't think I should get close to anyone because I'm not worth it, and what's the point really, I'm all alone.
I close the arguement by telling him to not get too attached to me.
He says that he doesn't mean to be cold and that I'm right, he doesn't understand what I'm going through, he just wants me to fight this. He also says that its too late, he cares too much about me and anything that happens to me now affects him.
I sigh heavily and tell him that I don't really want to fight with him, which is the truth and that I care about him too, I just don't want him to worry.
I start to end our talk and tell him I have to go. The truth is he wants me to be better and thinks that I'm this strong intelligent person, I feel like I let him down. His hope in me breaks my heart.
I'm none of those things, I'm just a sick fool.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel depressed and hopeless. Tomorrow I will read Dante's Inferno, fitting per my mood I'd say. I don't know what the day will hold, who knows what will happen.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Big Fish in a little Disordered Pond..
Mood:Sad
I'm deleting people from my life today.
I can't do this anymore.
Last night after 18days of sobriety, I caved and b/p.
Triggering scenarios all around, so many friends who don't want to change, keep on and on with behaviors, I can't.
It's a choice between them or me and I choose Me. I can't have these petty backstabbing competitions, fake friends or constant exhausting conversations.
I feel incredibly selfish right now and like the World's Biggest Most Horrible Friend, but I don't wanna die. I don't want to end up in a Hospital.
I want to get better.
I want to be a Mom to my Daughter, I want to maintain my weight, take my Meds, find a job, move into a bigger house, socialize, Eat like a normal person again..
I can't do these things with the friends I had, the people who constantly are unwilling to change or secretly try to trip me up. I won't have it for one more second.
I'm sorry, so very sorry...
I think its time to really change, it won't happen overnight, but I'm gonna try to make break for it.
I think I've held on to unhealthy friendships for so long because deep down inside, there was an still is a part of me that wonders about Failure, if I failed who would be there for me. That's not a valid reason to be friends, its not fair to any of us. I wish all the deleted a good life, I hope you can find the thing that makes you happy. I will try to find mines.
I'm not perfect and the road ahead will be long and winding, but I know if I try my hardest I can make this life of mines work again.
I have to start all over today and get Mia off my back..damage control now, I've backed up my digestion with all that binging. I have to rehydrate and replenish all the lost electrolytes.
So once again, I'm so very sorry. I just can't go back that place, I'm a big Fish in that little pond, and I need to go upstream now.
Maybe one day when you've chosen to get better we can be friends again, in the meantime I bid you adieu!
I'm deleting people from my life today.
I can't do this anymore.
Last night after 18days of sobriety, I caved and b/p.
Triggering scenarios all around, so many friends who don't want to change, keep on and on with behaviors, I can't.
It's a choice between them or me and I choose Me. I can't have these petty backstabbing competitions, fake friends or constant exhausting conversations.
I feel incredibly selfish right now and like the World's Biggest Most Horrible Friend, but I don't wanna die. I don't want to end up in a Hospital.
I want to get better.
I want to be a Mom to my Daughter, I want to maintain my weight, take my Meds, find a job, move into a bigger house, socialize, Eat like a normal person again..
I can't do these things with the friends I had, the people who constantly are unwilling to change or secretly try to trip me up. I won't have it for one more second.
I'm sorry, so very sorry...
I think its time to really change, it won't happen overnight, but I'm gonna try to make break for it.
I think I've held on to unhealthy friendships for so long because deep down inside, there was an still is a part of me that wonders about Failure, if I failed who would be there for me. That's not a valid reason to be friends, its not fair to any of us. I wish all the deleted a good life, I hope you can find the thing that makes you happy. I will try to find mines.
I'm not perfect and the road ahead will be long and winding, but I know if I try my hardest I can make this life of mines work again.
I have to start all over today and get Mia off my back..damage control now, I've backed up my digestion with all that binging. I have to rehydrate and replenish all the lost electrolytes.
So once again, I'm so very sorry. I just can't go back that place, I'm a big Fish in that little pond, and I need to go upstream now.
Maybe one day when you've chosen to get better we can be friends again, in the meantime I bid you adieu!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I'm in the mood for...
Mood:Fruity
Fruit..
I'm on a mission today, I want to eat a huge bowl of Fruit Salad..
I also want a Papaya Milkshake.
Being a woman of limited means, I must make everything from scratch. So today I've combed my neighborhood for the ingredients..Come take a walk with me again my lovelies, let's get started on this hot Summer Day in Miami..
First Stop the Bakery for a Cuban Coffee or "Colada." Gonna need all the energy I can get. Coladas are like espressos x1000..
After the sugary rush, I'm off in search of the best fruit around..Burnt Calories Aaaawaaaaay!
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Quick shortcut through the Famous Domino Park..
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I've located fresh fruit, now to see what's good here..
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I've also made a Papaya Milkshake.
Cuban Papaya Milkshake recipe - Batido de Papaya
1 papaya, seeded and cubed
2 tablespoons sugar or honey
1 teaspoon vanilla
juice from 1 lime
½ cup cold milk (you can also substitute yogurt)
2/3 cup crushed ice
Puree in all ingredients in in a blender until smooth and frosty.
Serves about four.
The Papaya Fruit is actually very good for you, and I think I will incorporate this more into my diet, my Shrink recommended it to me as one of the very colorful side effects of Wellbutrin is constipation..
Papaya is most famous for its enzymes. Papaya health benefits are primarily obtained from papain, which is a cysteine protease enzyme, which provides the digestive tract with very important health benefits. It is considered as the best remedy for many digestive disorders like bloating, abdominal pain or abdominal cramps and is excellent for improving poor digestion. The fiber found in papaya may also help with the symptoms of those suffering from irritable bowel syndrome.
Prevent Cancer
One of the positive aspects of consuming papaya is that it helps to prevent cancer. Papaya is a rich source of antioxidants that the body needs to fight against cancer-causing cells. Vitamin C, E, and beta-carotenes are antioxidants that prevent all kinds of cancers.
Lower Cholesterol
Hardened cholesterol is the main cause for plaque buildup in the arteries. The antioxidants in papaya prevent cholesterol from becoming oxidized and, therefore, also from becoming stuck in the arteries.
Maintain Alkaline State
Papaya enzyme papain helps the body maintain an alkaline state to keep up a healthy functioning body. The body’s alkalinity is directly responsible for an excellent immune system, for having strong bones and muscles, for not being prone to skin irritations and allergies, for being able to cope faster when virus, bacteria and microbes invade our body.
Regulate Blood Pressure
Eating fresh papaya regularly is a natural medicine for regulating blood pressure. It is high in potassium, and potassium is an important component of cell and body fluids, and helps control heart rate and blood pressure countering effects of sodium.
Lower Blood Sugar
Papaya enzymes help to lower blood sugar levels, thereby providing a steady supply of glucose and energy to the body throughout the day. The antioxidant property of papaya protects against free radicals, which are largely responsible for diseases like blood sugar.
Reduce Inflammation
Some papaya enzymes have potent anti-inflammatory qualities, including the enzymes chymopapain ad papain, and they have been proven in various situations to reduce inflammation and to support the healing of tissue, particularly in the case of burns. In addition, the antioxidant nutrients found in papaya, including vitamin C, vitamins E and beta-carotene are also very good at reducing inflammation.
Increase Male Fertility
Papaya also contains the enzymes arginine, which is beneficial for male fertility. Arginine increases the blood flow around penis thus increasing nitric acid in the body and it is thus used to treat erectile dysfunction.
Regularize Menstrual Cycle
Consumption of unripe papaya juice helps to get relief from irregular periods. The muscle fibers of the womb are stimulated by unripe papaya juice, resulting in regular menstrual flow.
Improve Eye Health
Papaya is an excellent source of vitamin A, which plays a part in eye health. Vitamin A is also required for maintaining healthy mucous membranes and skin.
Promote Skin Health
Using papaya can be a natural way to maintain a healthy skin tone as it contains restorative enzymes and the natural softening-agent papain, which helps maintain supple, healthy-looking skin.
Papaya, a great fruit with amazing qualities and rich nutrients is one of the best slices of health you can take. Adding more papaya to your diet will improve your overall health.
Fruit..
I'm on a mission today, I want to eat a huge bowl of Fruit Salad..
I also want a Papaya Milkshake.
Being a woman of limited means, I must make everything from scratch. So today I've combed my neighborhood for the ingredients..Come take a walk with me again my lovelies, let's get started on this hot Summer Day in Miami..
First Stop the Bakery for a Cuban Coffee or "Colada." Gonna need all the energy I can get. Coladas are like espressos x1000..
 |
| Gran Paris Bakery |
 |
| Colada |
 |
| A pastelitos for my daughter Lil Miss B. |
 |
| Little Havana is a small place so you run into ppl you know.. "Anita" |
I get what I can and keep moving along...
Off to Pinero's my favorite fruit stand.
Now to pay a visit to some of the known vendors, or "Vianderos." They sell fruits and vegetables out the back of their vehicles.
 |
| My neighbor, her stand is right across the street from my building, looks like I didn't have to go far for the best Fruit after all.. |
I've been up and down today, and now I'm ready, plenty of fruit for my Salad, my daughter is super excited at the thought of helping me..
Finally after much toil, the finished product is made, it's healthy and good for you and I don't care how many calories, I want to eat today and I won't feel guilty or mad because of it.
I've also made a Papaya Milkshake.
Cuban Papaya Milkshake recipe - Batido de Papaya
1 papaya, seeded and cubed
2 tablespoons sugar or honey
1 teaspoon vanilla
juice from 1 lime
½ cup cold milk (you can also substitute yogurt)
2/3 cup crushed ice
Puree in all ingredients in in a blender until smooth and frosty.
Serves about four.
| Calories | Fat | Carbs | Protein | Sodium |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 125 | 1.6g | 23.8g | 6.0g | 66mg |
The Papaya Fruit is actually very good for you, and I think I will incorporate this more into my diet, my Shrink recommended it to me as one of the very colorful side effects of Wellbutrin is constipation..
Papaya is most famous for its enzymes. Papaya health benefits are primarily obtained from papain, which is a cysteine protease enzyme, which provides the digestive tract with very important health benefits. It is considered as the best remedy for many digestive disorders like bloating, abdominal pain or abdominal cramps and is excellent for improving poor digestion. The fiber found in papaya may also help with the symptoms of those suffering from irritable bowel syndrome.
Prevent Cancer
One of the positive aspects of consuming papaya is that it helps to prevent cancer. Papaya is a rich source of antioxidants that the body needs to fight against cancer-causing cells. Vitamin C, E, and beta-carotenes are antioxidants that prevent all kinds of cancers.
Lower Cholesterol
Hardened cholesterol is the main cause for plaque buildup in the arteries. The antioxidants in papaya prevent cholesterol from becoming oxidized and, therefore, also from becoming stuck in the arteries.
Maintain Alkaline State
Papaya enzyme papain helps the body maintain an alkaline state to keep up a healthy functioning body. The body’s alkalinity is directly responsible for an excellent immune system, for having strong bones and muscles, for not being prone to skin irritations and allergies, for being able to cope faster when virus, bacteria and microbes invade our body.
Regulate Blood Pressure
Eating fresh papaya regularly is a natural medicine for regulating blood pressure. It is high in potassium, and potassium is an important component of cell and body fluids, and helps control heart rate and blood pressure countering effects of sodium.
Lower Blood Sugar
Papaya enzymes help to lower blood sugar levels, thereby providing a steady supply of glucose and energy to the body throughout the day. The antioxidant property of papaya protects against free radicals, which are largely responsible for diseases like blood sugar.
Reduce Inflammation
Some papaya enzymes have potent anti-inflammatory qualities, including the enzymes chymopapain ad papain, and they have been proven in various situations to reduce inflammation and to support the healing of tissue, particularly in the case of burns. In addition, the antioxidant nutrients found in papaya, including vitamin C, vitamins E and beta-carotene are also very good at reducing inflammation.
Increase Male Fertility
Papaya also contains the enzymes arginine, which is beneficial for male fertility. Arginine increases the blood flow around penis thus increasing nitric acid in the body and it is thus used to treat erectile dysfunction.
Regularize Menstrual Cycle
Consumption of unripe papaya juice helps to get relief from irregular periods. The muscle fibers of the womb are stimulated by unripe papaya juice, resulting in regular menstrual flow.
Improve Eye Health
Papaya is an excellent source of vitamin A, which plays a part in eye health. Vitamin A is also required for maintaining healthy mucous membranes and skin.
Promote Skin Health
Using papaya can be a natural way to maintain a healthy skin tone as it contains restorative enzymes and the natural softening-agent papain, which helps maintain supple, healthy-looking skin.
Papaya, a great fruit with amazing qualities and rich nutrients is one of the best slices of health you can take. Adding more papaya to your diet will improve your overall health.
Grow
Mood:Selfish
Tuesday..
Kill the alarm clock and yawn. Time to weigh and see the damage.
![]()
110.6lbs today..
Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I actually slept late and managed to lounge around and do nothing. My husband brought movies for us to watch and since I cooked all weekend long he decided to spoil me and my daughter with takeout.
Cici's Pizza it was.
![]()
![]()
I decided to go ahead and allow myself a slice of pizza..
One slice; 152 calories indeed, seems like a lot for one item, but I was hungry and actually wanted to eat this.
You know what I can't stand..
I can't stand when anyone says they hate food.
Bullshit.
You love food, especially ED ppl.
That's just nature, you can hate getting fat, no one likes that, but food, ah you love it!
If you say otherwise you're a fucking liar. You really hate the way food makes you behave is all, some of us can lose control and binge on it, others restrict it to the point of utter survival. I think that's the dislike of food, the way each of us responds to it, we hate ourselves, not the food.
Food is food, processed or dead animal byproduct, vegetable or organic, its meant to be consumed by us in order to survive. Some of us become monsters, a frenzy ensues, others deny to the point of delirium and confusion. That's just the reality of an Eating Disorder.
So yesterday I fucking ate one slice of pizza. I drank coffee in the day and worked out in the evening.
Here I was tossing and turning all night hoping that I wouldn't gain 5lbs overnight, and this morning there is no gain. I'm okay.
You hear that! I ate food and lived!
I'm tired of living this way, most days the voice inside my head is too much to bear, I wanna lie on the floor in a ball and cry out, I feel hopeless, when will enough be enough?
Then there are days when I truly let my guard down and eat, allow myself a very small portion of what I truly crave, I may have to workout for hours throughout the day, but the item is worth it.
I'm 110.6lbs and I hate it. I hate myself more for feeling this way, this disgusted. I was once 212lbs, I should be kissing the scale and down on my knees in gratitude, instead I'm acting like a spoiled little brat bitching about ounces and numbers that are lower then most.
I want to stop being so dam ungrateful. Things could be so much worse. I could be 10lbs heavier and my pants could be a larger size..
I will stop this behavior.
17 days no Mia in sight..I am happy.
How I hate Bulimia, how I detest the ritual and the way I become with it. I become this shell of a woman, a robot, a weak person who does nothing more than b/p till she can't anymore. I don't care how many times I fail, I will never stop trying to be rid of this entirely.
I have been good lately and in good spirits too. I've been purging people now instead of food. I'm tired of the competition, I'm tired of other people's problems sometimes, you can only be so supportive to a point. How much longer can you tell the same persons everyday to stay strong and they don't want to?
It's exhausting and I don't wanna do it anymore.
I'm no one's nursemaid, I'm no one's therapist or counselor, get right or get left behind.
I can see the goals ahead, the things I want to do with my life that have nothing whatsoever to do with weight loss, I want that, that should come first..
After weighing and supplements I make coffee and shower. I see my therapist today.
She is running late by half an hour and I know the reason why..I wait in the upstairs lobby and scribble in my notepad. I am suppose to be in Orlando, she thinks I've cancelled on her.
![]()
After calling her twice and getting the voicemail, I figure its time to go. As I make my way out of my seat, she appears smiling as usual. She shakes her head at me and I laugh knowing what she is about to say.
Our lines got crossed.
I'm shown inside her office where our session begins..
![]()
![]()
She laughs hard today and at the end of our session which ran an hour more than usual, she says she really enjoys talking to me. She likes my stories and sense of humor. She says I'm making great progress and is proud of me for actually trying to make my life work again. I feel good too, because I am trying, hard as it is, scary as failure may be, I want to be happy and I know I am the key to it all. I have to make this work, no one can do it for me.
This is my Shrinks favorite Motto "Its in the past.." which delightfully enough is from the Lion King..She reminds me of this at the end of every session, it will get drilled into my head soon enough.
So now I'm done with therapy and head home stopping by my local market first..New Tags in the neighborhood too..
![]()
Ladies and Gentlemen I find myself in a triangle..
My Tarot's reading may be coming to pass I think.
I'm being pulled in three different directions by three men.
In one Corner my husband who keeps pushing for this sham of a marriage to endure a bit more. Then there is Happy Tuesday friend who now is back in the picture talking to me again, and now my new friend or "boy" in Orlando who is the sweetest (youngest) of them all.
He actually wants to take me to Disney World on our first Date..
He tells me constantly how beautiful I am, and funny, he says things like I think about you constantly..
We chat everyday now.
My sister who's his coworker actually refers to him as Brother In Law, she says he smiles wide and turns red with delight at this.
She approves of him and wishes that I would just move to Orlando finally. I have a guaranteed job there actually, the houses are cheap to rent too.
He's crazy about that idea.
I find myself very loved these days and I won't lie and say that I don't like the attention. Deep down inside though, I have no real interest in having a future with any of these three, for some reason I feel in my heart these are not the ones for me. The man that I have yet to meet is still out there somewhere.
In the meantime I will try to just enjoy the present and work on what lies ahead.
Work on me and try to block out all the negativity. Its in the stars even.
Oh Btw the boy is an Aries..hmm Interesting match.
Aries-Pisces Compatibility
An Aries will get attracted towards a Pisces as she is good at providing emotional support to her partner and are also have caring personality. But there could be problems because of the aggressive nature of an Aries which a Pisces might not be able to handle. An Aries will also like the reflective nature that a Pisces has and similarly the nature of an Aries where he strives to reach his goals in life will inspire her to move ahead in life with a positive attitude.
Aries man will like to get close to a Pisces woman as they are able to provide emotional support & care to their partner while a Pisces woman will like mental strength that an Aries has. The character of an Aries man makes him outgoing and he will like the independent & free spirited nature of a Pisces
The other features of a Pisces woman that will make the Aries feel attracted towards her will be her soft and tender personality. If they are really interested in developing compatibility and a good relationship then Aries man has to control his anger & aggressiveness and a Pisces woman will have to do something about her indecisive nature. Apart from these they generally complement each other well which helps to build mutual understanding and strengthens the bonds between them.
An Aries man will easily inspire his Pisces partner to make the effort to get her goals in life and will like the reflective nature she has. For a partnership to grow they will have to avoid lengthy arguments on minor issues and also control their tempers.
Aries man is a go getter and Pisces woman have lay back nature. Such contrasting natures help to attract each other as they find qualities in the other person which are lacking in them. One point of concern that can affect the relationship could be the emotional whims that a Pisces woman has and to keep the relationship going she will have to work consciously to correct it.
Tuesday..
Kill the alarm clock and yawn. Time to weigh and see the damage.
110.6lbs today..
Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I actually slept late and managed to lounge around and do nothing. My husband brought movies for us to watch and since I cooked all weekend long he decided to spoil me and my daughter with takeout.
Cici's Pizza it was.
I decided to go ahead and allow myself a slice of pizza..
One slice; 152 calories indeed, seems like a lot for one item, but I was hungry and actually wanted to eat this.
You know what I can't stand..
I can't stand when anyone says they hate food.
Bullshit.
You love food, especially ED ppl.
That's just nature, you can hate getting fat, no one likes that, but food, ah you love it!
If you say otherwise you're a fucking liar. You really hate the way food makes you behave is all, some of us can lose control and binge on it, others restrict it to the point of utter survival. I think that's the dislike of food, the way each of us responds to it, we hate ourselves, not the food.
Food is food, processed or dead animal byproduct, vegetable or organic, its meant to be consumed by us in order to survive. Some of us become monsters, a frenzy ensues, others deny to the point of delirium and confusion. That's just the reality of an Eating Disorder.
So yesterday I fucking ate one slice of pizza. I drank coffee in the day and worked out in the evening.
Here I was tossing and turning all night hoping that I wouldn't gain 5lbs overnight, and this morning there is no gain. I'm okay.
You hear that! I ate food and lived!
I'm tired of living this way, most days the voice inside my head is too much to bear, I wanna lie on the floor in a ball and cry out, I feel hopeless, when will enough be enough?
Then there are days when I truly let my guard down and eat, allow myself a very small portion of what I truly crave, I may have to workout for hours throughout the day, but the item is worth it.
I'm 110.6lbs and I hate it. I hate myself more for feeling this way, this disgusted. I was once 212lbs, I should be kissing the scale and down on my knees in gratitude, instead I'm acting like a spoiled little brat bitching about ounces and numbers that are lower then most.
I want to stop being so dam ungrateful. Things could be so much worse. I could be 10lbs heavier and my pants could be a larger size..
I will stop this behavior.
17 days no Mia in sight..I am happy.
How I hate Bulimia, how I detest the ritual and the way I become with it. I become this shell of a woman, a robot, a weak person who does nothing more than b/p till she can't anymore. I don't care how many times I fail, I will never stop trying to be rid of this entirely.
I have been good lately and in good spirits too. I've been purging people now instead of food. I'm tired of the competition, I'm tired of other people's problems sometimes, you can only be so supportive to a point. How much longer can you tell the same persons everyday to stay strong and they don't want to?
It's exhausting and I don't wanna do it anymore.
I'm no one's nursemaid, I'm no one's therapist or counselor, get right or get left behind.
I can see the goals ahead, the things I want to do with my life that have nothing whatsoever to do with weight loss, I want that, that should come first..
After weighing and supplements I make coffee and shower. I see my therapist today.
She is running late by half an hour and I know the reason why..I wait in the upstairs lobby and scribble in my notepad. I am suppose to be in Orlando, she thinks I've cancelled on her.
After calling her twice and getting the voicemail, I figure its time to go. As I make my way out of my seat, she appears smiling as usual. She shakes her head at me and I laugh knowing what she is about to say.
Our lines got crossed.
I'm shown inside her office where our session begins..
She laughs hard today and at the end of our session which ran an hour more than usual, she says she really enjoys talking to me. She likes my stories and sense of humor. She says I'm making great progress and is proud of me for actually trying to make my life work again. I feel good too, because I am trying, hard as it is, scary as failure may be, I want to be happy and I know I am the key to it all. I have to make this work, no one can do it for me.
This is my Shrinks favorite Motto "Its in the past.." which delightfully enough is from the Lion King..She reminds me of this at the end of every session, it will get drilled into my head soon enough.
So now I'm done with therapy and head home stopping by my local market first..New Tags in the neighborhood too..
Ladies and Gentlemen I find myself in a triangle..
My Tarot's reading may be coming to pass I think.
I'm being pulled in three different directions by three men.
In one Corner my husband who keeps pushing for this sham of a marriage to endure a bit more. Then there is Happy Tuesday friend who now is back in the picture talking to me again, and now my new friend or "boy" in Orlando who is the sweetest (youngest) of them all.
He actually wants to take me to Disney World on our first Date..
He tells me constantly how beautiful I am, and funny, he says things like I think about you constantly..
We chat everyday now.
My sister who's his coworker actually refers to him as Brother In Law, she says he smiles wide and turns red with delight at this.
She approves of him and wishes that I would just move to Orlando finally. I have a guaranteed job there actually, the houses are cheap to rent too.
He's crazy about that idea.
I find myself very loved these days and I won't lie and say that I don't like the attention. Deep down inside though, I have no real interest in having a future with any of these three, for some reason I feel in my heart these are not the ones for me. The man that I have yet to meet is still out there somewhere.
In the meantime I will try to just enjoy the present and work on what lies ahead.
Work on me and try to block out all the negativity. Its in the stars even.
Oh Btw the boy is an Aries..hmm Interesting match.
Aries-Pisces Compatibility
An Aries will get attracted towards a Pisces as she is good at providing emotional support to her partner and are also have caring personality. But there could be problems because of the aggressive nature of an Aries which a Pisces might not be able to handle. An Aries will also like the reflective nature that a Pisces has and similarly the nature of an Aries where he strives to reach his goals in life will inspire her to move ahead in life with a positive attitude.
Aries man will like to get close to a Pisces woman as they are able to provide emotional support & care to their partner while a Pisces woman will like mental strength that an Aries has. The character of an Aries man makes him outgoing and he will like the independent & free spirited nature of a Pisces
The other features of a Pisces woman that will make the Aries feel attracted towards her will be her soft and tender personality. If they are really interested in developing compatibility and a good relationship then Aries man has to control his anger & aggressiveness and a Pisces woman will have to do something about her indecisive nature. Apart from these they generally complement each other well which helps to build mutual understanding and strengthens the bonds between them.
An Aries man will easily inspire his Pisces partner to make the effort to get her goals in life and will like the reflective nature she has. For a partnership to grow they will have to avoid lengthy arguments on minor issues and also control their tempers.
Aries man is a go getter and Pisces woman have lay back nature. Such contrasting natures help to attract each other as they find qualities in the other person which are lacking in them. One point of concern that can affect the relationship could be the emotional whims that a Pisces woman has and to keep the relationship going she will have to work consciously to correct it.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Walk two miles in my shoes..
Mood:Anxious
So this morning we are out of milk at the house, I wake up and walk 2miles to Publix to rack up.
Follow me along my walk friends..
We may even call this a tour perhaps?
So thats it, I'm home now and starting my battle with resisting Mia.
112.4lbs today.
My sister is coming down Friday, she's rented a room on the beach for the weekend, at least I can do that with her. I can't go back with her on the return trip, oh well.
I've been chatting with my friend who is dying to take me on a date when I do go to Orlando, he's even offered to pay for my ticket, I can't ask him though or can I?
I made a comment yesterday about my Sailor Moon obsession, and this boy wanted to buy me the DVD series set which I really really want but have no idea where to get it..he said he would buy it for me as a present!
Is that crazy that he wants to buy me something, he's also 8rs younger than me..
Oh man, am I a Cougar or Mountain Lion now, or Jackal, what's the lingo for dating the younger guy?
He likes me A LOT...
As for my Happy Tuesday friend, grrr not only is he distant, but I hate his mixed messages.
He texts me last night at 2:30am and then asks me the same repetitive questions, when I started talking dirty to him (because thats what 2am conversations are suppose to be about!) he shoots me down and gets boring, then quiet, omfg!!!
I am getting bored of him a little, he is not meeting me 90/10 and I'm not a fuckin clown here to entertain you dammit, if you like me swing those balls and act like it!
I ended our convo and I think I'm gonna ignore him today, maybe the car breaking down and this little break is a good thing. I wish he would act like he cared more, I know he's a Virgo and they don't change or aren't all squishy and stuff but my God C'mon!
And here I am thinking weight would be my only problem..
Happy Thursday all, gonna find something to do and get Mia off my back.
I haven't taken the pill yet, gonna start it again on Monday. I will tell Dr. about the voices when I go see him on the 28th, I'm scared though because Schizophrenia runs in my Family, do you think he might try to lock me away or something, am I going crazy here?
I just don't want anyone to think I'm an unfit parent because of the Mental Illness..
It never ends does it.
Oh and today my kidneys hurt really bad...
Good luck everybody and stay strong..
So this morning we are out of milk at the house, I wake up and walk 2miles to Publix to rack up.
Follow me along my walk friends..
We may even call this a tour perhaps?
 |
| I love Graffiti, I have a strange fascination for all tagged things.. |
 |
| Mexican restaurant with Food to die for.. |
 |
| Bike Shop |
 |
| Beautiful tags |
 |
| Barber Shop and Bar, never cut your hair here, Barbers may be tipsy! |
 |
| OMGOMGOMG!! MECCA; I loves Thriftstores! |
 |
| Restaurant in Shape of Castle |
 |
| Firemen..Miami has the sexiest Heroes, I've never wanted to be a Pyromaniac so badly! |
 |
| This is the Bakery where the Hott Firemen frequent, oh yes they have a playground *GROWLS* |
 |
| Adult DayCare Center |
 |
| Why are Shoe Repair stores always little tiny places? |
 |
| 8 Street is lined with Roosters like this that were donated by a local Artist |
 |
| Doggy Daycare |
 |
| Best Baguettes |
 |
| Beautiful Artwork line our Expressways |
 |
| I've arrived at the Market |
 |
| I wish I was a Baker.. |
 |
| Grr I wish I could binge on all of this nonsense |
 |
| lol a tiny section devoted to UK goodies..see any familiars? |
 |
| *sighs* |
 |
| SummerCamp where my Daughter should be *heavy sigh, eyes get glossy* |
 |
| Lil stray kitten |
 |
| Pigeon with broken Wing |
 |
| More tagged Beauty |
 |
| Gallery Art |
 |
| Fat Girl Walking |
 |
| Beautiful Architecture going to waste as an overpriced Apartment Complex |
 |
| No Guard Dogs, we have Roosters as Pets here in Miami |
 |
| I have no Idea..looks like a crazy Onion Hoarder |
So thats it, I'm home now and starting my battle with resisting Mia.
112.4lbs today.
My sister is coming down Friday, she's rented a room on the beach for the weekend, at least I can do that with her. I can't go back with her on the return trip, oh well.
I've been chatting with my friend who is dying to take me on a date when I do go to Orlando, he's even offered to pay for my ticket, I can't ask him though or can I?
I made a comment yesterday about my Sailor Moon obsession, and this boy wanted to buy me the DVD series set which I really really want but have no idea where to get it..he said he would buy it for me as a present!
Is that crazy that he wants to buy me something, he's also 8rs younger than me..
Oh man, am I a Cougar or Mountain Lion now, or Jackal, what's the lingo for dating the younger guy?
He likes me A LOT...
As for my Happy Tuesday friend, grrr not only is he distant, but I hate his mixed messages.
He texts me last night at 2:30am and then asks me the same repetitive questions, when I started talking dirty to him (because thats what 2am conversations are suppose to be about!) he shoots me down and gets boring, then quiet, omfg!!!
I am getting bored of him a little, he is not meeting me 90/10 and I'm not a fuckin clown here to entertain you dammit, if you like me swing those balls and act like it!
I ended our convo and I think I'm gonna ignore him today, maybe the car breaking down and this little break is a good thing. I wish he would act like he cared more, I know he's a Virgo and they don't change or aren't all squishy and stuff but my God C'mon!
And here I am thinking weight would be my only problem..
Happy Thursday all, gonna find something to do and get Mia off my back.
I haven't taken the pill yet, gonna start it again on Monday. I will tell Dr. about the voices when I go see him on the 28th, I'm scared though because Schizophrenia runs in my Family, do you think he might try to lock me away or something, am I going crazy here?
I just don't want anyone to think I'm an unfit parent because of the Mental Illness..
It never ends does it.
Oh and today my kidneys hurt really bad...
Good luck everybody and stay strong..
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