Open mouth-insert foot

Tuesday and I'm too cold.
The mornings here are at a chilly 65 degrees, or in my temperature 40.
I have to take my daughter to school and I'm already craving to b/p. I managed to avoid the ritual altogether on Monday. I got away with being in bed all day. I had the worst migraine and sinus pressure. My husband didn't like me in bed all day, kept asking me if I wanted something to eat or should he get something for me to cook. Then after my 50th refusal he started drinking and watching sports. He was mad and of course thought my behavior was all about him. I was depressed and miserable because my weight is creeping back up. I'm at 111.4 today and rising. I suspect all the laxatives are to blame, now that I've stopped them since my vacation the weight is coming back. That's the thing about weight, it goes up and down.
Newtons Law at it's finest I'd say.
I feel like a failure because I've been unable to bring this weight down the way I used to. My anxiety prevents me from going to extremes at times, I worry that something will happen to me, then there are times when I just want to say to hell with it all.
I'm also sad because I have no therapist, I feel as though I have no direction, I'm like a ship lost at sea floating aimlessly on the currents swaying to and fro.
I'm lost in thought thinking about a plan B, how will I earn a living. The sex industry is the only place that will never turn anyone away. I can either web cam and hope to make a living or go all out and try stripping.
Stripping and me won't mix, I have no rhythm and I wasn't built for high heels. I hate my body and I'm sure they'd throw quarters at me for sure. I could never be a prostitute, I'd be too scared of getting beat or raped again. I have no idea whatsoever to do. Why is there no jobs?
McDonald's won't even touch me geesh.
Tuesday after showering and getting dressed, I take my daughter to school and head straight to Publix. I don't know what I want yet, I wander the aisles meticulously looking for things that are easy to purge, I don't even taste food anymore, b/p has become something to do, like smoking or drinking.
Food is no longer in the picture, the ritual is both punishment and coping method alike.
I take a gander at the meat aisle and the turkeys are on sale. Thanksgiving remnants. An 8lb one is only six dollars, this is what I grab. The thing is frozen solid. I get a pack of bacon and eggs too.
At home and I defrost the bird and make eggs. The smell wakes my husband up, his eyes light up with delight at the sight of a Turkey. I feel sorry for him, I know he didn't eat this while I was away. I guess this could be my way of making amends for leaving and having a good time with my family while he stayed home and cat sat alone.
I make breakfast for us both then go purge. I shower again and change. My clothes reeked of bacon grease and vomit.
I was lightheaded and started washing dishes, I like the feeling, sometimes I hope to pass out but it doesn't happen.
I figure my sugar is low so I make a shake. Liquids always make me feel better, why can I tolerate them and not food itself?
I tell my husband that I'm going to Target, my little tree needs more decorations, he decides to tag along. The bird is somewhat defrosted, dinner will be very late today.
In Target the Hello Kitty dollar decor calls to me, my little hand basket overflows with pepto bismol pink nonsense. The thing is I will buy this stuff and not open it, I think I have a serious HK hoarding problem. I keep hoarding things in general telling myself when I move these things will be used. I keep thinking moving is the answer to my problems, that somehow a better life awaits me.
I find what I need and then head to video store and market. By this time its already 3 and my daughter is almost done with tutoring. I'm dropped off at my messy Lil apartment to cook and clean. The turkey is defrosted and seasoned and in the oven she goes tootles!
I decorate my little tree and here it is, it's not much but it's all I can afford. Sometimes I feel like the world's worst parent because I can't give my daughter a lot. I see kid's in her school with new shoes and book bags, material things that I know wouldn't matter much but would help her fit in. Our clothes comes from thrift stores, and our house is so small. She doesn't dress in the latest trends or goes to the mall to buy things. There is so much we don't do.
I don't want her to be the outcast. I'm scared that may lead to being picked on by a bully. I don't want her to be the poor kid in class.

The end of the year is always the saddest for me, December 28 will make a year since my uncle passed away. I don't like December or January in general so many bad memories tied to it..
I manage to get the apartment and dinner in order, when my daughter comes home she is happy and runs to hug me and tell me about her day. Sometimes I look at her and don't know why she loves me so much, I feel like I let her down so much. I don't deserve her.
So the rest of the day is working out, watching movies, and a late Turkey dinner. I decide to drink to end the night.
I haven't spoken to The Boy all day today. Things feel awkward now for me. I'm no longer entertaining the fantasy of moving away and starting over up there, so now what would be the point. He still is sweet to me and blows me kisses even, I've not reciprocated, I don't wanna give him false hopes. He is too young and not ready for someone like me plus a kid. I need an equal, someone who will be my partner, he cannot be those things yet. He has a lot of living to do still.
I get online finally and Happy Tuesday and I start to chat.
Everything was fine until we got into an argument over my Eating Disorder. He told me if I got under a 100lbs he would stop talking to me. He also told me that I had no regards to my health and my child too.
It was an awful fight and by the end of it I told him we shouldn't be friends anymore.
This morning he sends me paragraphs of explanations, his opinion on what an ED is to him and how I can chose otherwise. He doesn't get it, he's an outsider looking in, I didn't choose this life. I don't wanna be this way. Also an eating disorder doesn't make me a bad mother, the two things are not tied. I hate having my parenting questioned, pisses me off more than weight gain if you can believe that.
I shower and weigh. Ugh the scale doesn't budge.
I have a horrible hangover and b/p on eggs then shower. Happy Tuesday texts me and my case manager calls me?
I don't call her back yet.
Happy Tuesday wants to know if we're still friends.
So we start talking calmly and I voice my own concerns.
I tell him that I would rather end this best friends/lovers thing we have going because what if I promise to not lose weight and I do? He will stop talking to me regardless, so I rather cry now than later. He tells me he just wants me healthy and safe and that he is sorry and I'm a great girl and mother. He just acts like a caveman when he's concerned.
So we reach an impasse.
We stay best friends.
He tells me he loves me very much and doesn't want me to hurt myself or see my kid hurt over me.
I know he means well.
I tell him I love him too.
He can be a prick sometimes but a sweet guy too.
He's a Virgo and Virgo's love and protect the ones they care about so I know he means well.
My case manager calls and I answer. She has no clue I've quit therapy.
She calls to tell me she will no longer be my case manager. This I already saw coming.
Blah blah same useless remarks as if she did so much for me before. Have a nice life ya cunt.
So today I have to browse for PJ's, my daughter's school is doing a charity to donate books and pajamas to kids who don't have any. I'm also buying my very first enema. I feel bloated and backed up and I'm trying to detour from the laxatives. I've heard these work fast and clear the poop out real nice. I'm not too keen on sticking anything up my rectum but hey never say never.
This will be the most action I've seen in a few months.

5 Reasons Your Workout Isn't Working

Is your workout not working? 5 quick tips to help you rev up your workout today!

Have you been working out consistently for months (maybe even years) and yet the scale is creeping up? Here are five ways your workout could be keeping you from losing weight, and what our experts' recommend to start shedding pounds again:

1. Your workout routine is making you eat too much.
Is your workout causing you to use the "I burned it, I earned it," excuse when it comes to your diet? "Studies show that people tend to eat more calories when they take up exercise ," says Michele Olson, Ph.D., professor of exercise science at Auburn University Montgomery, and creator of the Perfect Legs, Glutes & Abs DVD.

Think your 45-minute morning run was enough to burn off that slice of chocolate cake on the dessert menu? Consider this: the average, 140-pound woman burns about 476 calories (at a 10-minute mile pace) running for 45 minutes. The average restaurant dessert clocks in around 1,200 calories (or more), so even if you only eat half of a slice, you'd still easily eat away your run-and then some-in less than 10 minutes.

The solution: Make your workouts count by pairing them with a healthy diet that stays within the appropriate calorie range your body needs in order to lose or maintain your weight. Olson recommends writing down what you are eating to keep track of calories consumed, and then subtracting the calories you burned, for your true daily number.

2. Your workout completely wipes you out.
That 5:00am killer boot camp class seemed like a great way to get in shape, so why aren't the pounds dropping off? If your workout leaves you feeling completely drained, exhausted, sore, and just wanting to lie on the couch for the rest of the day, it could be doing more harm than good, says Alex Figueroa, a personal trainer and fitness instructor at the Sports Club/LA in Boston, MA. While your workouts should be challenging, pushing your body too hard can have the opposite affect on your body . Over training can cause everything from sugar cravings, a weakened immune system, and insomnia-all of which could contribute to weight gain.

The solution: Figueroa recommends following a workout plan that is appropriate for your current fitness level-one that will still challenge your body without completely draining it. Not sure what's best for you? Try scheduling a session with a personal trainer to review your goals and the best plan of action to reach them.


3. Your workout burns fewer calories than you think.
Feeling pretty righteous when the treadmill says you've torched 800 calories? Not so fast, cautions Olson. An unusually high calorie burn reading is rare, Olson says, and most machines overestimate readings by as much as 30 percent.

"Many machines do not require you to put in your body weight and, therefore, the calorie output is often based on a 'reference weight' often used in science of 155 pounds," Olson says. "So, if you weigh 135 pounds, for example, you would not burn the same calories as someone who is at the reference weight."

And even those that use heart rate readings may not be accurate either. "Machines that incorporate arm activity (such as the stair stepper or elliptical) can cause a higher heart rate compared to a leg-only machine like a treadmill , but this is not usually because you are burning more calories," Olson says. "Research has shown that at the same level of calorie burning, the heart rate will be markedly higher when using the arms versus the legs, and you may even be burning fewer calories despite a higher heart rate."

The solution: Try using a 'distance covered' read-out to more accurately gauge how many calories burned , Olson says. "For instance, if you want to burn 300 calories, jogging 3 miles, walking 4 miles, or cycling about 10 miles on a bike are known to burn this amount."

4. Your workout's not balanced.
Sure, we love Zumba just as much as you do, but that doesn't mean it's all you should be doing to stay in shape. "Variety is not only the spice of life, but the key to getting a better, leaner, stronger body," Olson says. "There is not one single activity that can give you everything you need."

Doing only cardio workouts or the same strength workout over and over means you are sacrificing the opportunity to build lean muscle mass and challenge your body in new ways (translation: burn more calories doing something new), and you may plateau because of it.

The solution: Create a weekly program that rotates through different modalities of exercise (cardio, strength training, flexibility, core) in order to keep your mind, and body, engaged and changing. Olson recommends fitting in at least three strength sessions and three to five cardio sessions per week for best results.


5. Your workout is totally stale.
Have you been taking the same body-sculpting class using the same 3-pound weights week after week? Grab some heavier dumbbells to boost your calorie burn and build more fat-blasting muscle, recommends Sonrisa Medina, group fitness manager for Equinox Fitness Clubs in Coral Gables, Florida. And while you're at it, try a class you've never done (like yoga or Pilates) to stimulate your body in new ways.

Why is it so important to switch things up? Doing the same workout routine over and over means your body doesn't have to work as hard to perform it after a few weeks. "We 'learn' how to do any activity and movements," Olson says. "The more 'learned' we are, the easier the activity is to our bodies, which means you will actually burn fewer calories than you did when the activity or your routine was new to you."

The solution: Whether its trying heavier weights or adding more resistance during cycling class, changing up the intensity and style of your workout can help kick up your calorie burn to start losing weight again. Even adding workouts like yoga and Pilates that don't typically burn a large amount of calories, if they are new to your body, will create some nice changes in your physique simply from being a new challenge to your movement and workout patterns, Olson says

There's no place like home

Happy Bday Lil Miss B.

Vacationing with Turkeys

Thanksgiving Break

Green with kidneys?

Pack rat

Vacay state of mind

Progress Post: Before and After

Monday was a successful fast.
In accordance with the lax binge too, I've managed to bring my weight all the way down to 107lbs.
Yesterday I tried my best to not b/p and made it all the way till 10pm doing so, until the dreaded Pizza Monster got me. I took my meds very late last night and hope I didn't purge them. After my very hard purging session I was incredibly lightheaded. The room would spin and my hearing would mute. The heart palpitations started and I thought I was dying. I lay in my bed and tried to wish away the horrible feelings. At 11pm I started drinking, the drinking mutes the voices, the failures and the awful "I'm dying" feelings. I've been drinking almost everynight now. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I want to feel nothing. I want to forget the melancholy.
I was proof reading a chapter I'd written from my Novel and that's when the drunk munchies kicked in. In my I don't care state of mind, I decided to have some Cuban crackers with cream cheese and guava.

Happy Tuesday texted my phone but I didn't answer.

He and I got into an argument earlier in the day. He was taking a stab at my good friend and fake Facebook boyfriend Perry.

Then he started bringing up an odd conversation about EX's and how they should be deleted out our lives?

Wtf??

I took a stab back at him and told him he shouldn't be one to talk seeing as how he lives with his ex/ewok roommate.

Happy Tuesday pissed me off by saying he chooses to live like that and can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have someone dictating his life.

He also said from my interpretation that I'm allowing my husband to stay and I won't break up with him. Oh and that I "complain" too much?

Whatever that means.

I think his jealousy is starting to show.

Happy Tuesday keeps digging the hole deeper for himself, the more annoying he gets, the more I feel less for him. I suspect anyways as soon as I see The Boy next week, I should feel even less for Happy Tuesday, perhaps even nothing at all.

I'm excited for my trip on Tuesday the 22nd. The Boy is too, he can't wait to finally see me. I can't wait to go see Twilight Breaking Dawn pt.1 lol. I'm going to do my best to have a good time while I'm away and forget about the losers in my life. Looks like I have two now. Happy Tuesday smh, he should have never kissed me, we should have just remained friends. Now it's so complicated. Bestfriends should never sleep together.

I drank myself into a stupor and woke up to weigh 108lbs.

Not too much gain but still gain is a gain is a gain.

I stared at my body in the mirror and tried to analyze what does gaining one pound actually look like?

So I started taking pictures of myself.

In my computer I found and old picture of me at 138lbs. I'm going to now post and let you all compare if its even noticeable.

You all must think I'm crazy but the truth is when I look in the mirror I am still that overweight girl. I see a round pudgy body, I see Fat.

I know it's all in my head and ED, but I can't help but be this ridiculous.

I think when I get back from the Thanksgiving break, I might..might look into a therapist again, not at the Clinic but maybe a private one. I also am going to research if they have a background or have studied eating disorders. I want to be ready just in case I ever do get the courage to finally leave this disorder behind and try to live again. I feel so depressed because I was doing so well and then the rug got pulled from under me. I just didn't want to start all over again, but in all aspects of life I think there is no other choice. Begin again or simply End.

And now for before and afters.

                       

                                      

"Portrait of an Eating Disoder"

  BEFORE

138lbs

138lbs


AFTER

108lbs

108lbs

108lbs

thigh gap

collarbone

Depressed

Well I've gone and done it.
I sent an email to my shrink and have cancelled yet again..
This time though folks, it's for good.
I'm through with therapy. I'm done. I'm really depressed of course because I miss my old shrink. I can never see her again because my Insurance is full of Nazis!!
So unfair. Dam Goverment-dam them all to heck!
I got so drunk last night and fell asleep texting Happy Tuesday. His router and modem connection are on the fritz so we haven't been getting much chatting in lately. It's bad enough we haven't been together in two whole months. I miss him. I miss how easy it is to just be around him because he know my ED so well, the real extent of it. I don't have to pretend with him.

My husband and I watched movies all day yesterday-Harry Potter DH and Conan the Barbarian which sucked. I made Cuban Style Chicken Fricassee-everyone loved it to death. I ate some or rather b/p on that. b/p alot yesterday, I think 3x if not four?



My husband drank Whiskey afterwards and made comments to me that were very mean. I almost used the roach spray on him. Instead I just took it all in as usual because I wanted to avoid more drama.
He told me to not get raped when I go visit my sister.
Not to drink too much or dress provocatively. Apparently I bring sexual abuse all on myself *facepalm*
He's pissed that I'm leaving next week, he's laying the guilt trip on real thick like too. I'm so tired of the same arguments over and over. When will I be free of this?
Today woke up feeling awful and sad. Hopeless, so hopeless.
My shrink called me back but I didn't answer. I don't wanna talk to her.
I'm sure the only reason why she's called now is because she can no longer get a free lunch off of me. I don't think anyone cares about me so I won't care either.
I've taken 20 laxatives, water pills and my meds. I'm so sick right now from the laxatives.
I don't care. I think I'll just lose as much weight as possible and be done with it all. My life doesn't change so why should I?
I feel broken hearted, I never knew not having my old shrink in my life could affect me so, but it does.
So now I'm in bed for the moment till the laxatives settle down a bit. Then I'm up and fasting with my friend.
We were both in bed avoiding Mia and decided to go ahead and compare thigh gaps..behold my huge legs.

The Boy is not online yet, and Happy Tuesday has been texting me instead.

Ugh men drive me crazy, I don't know what they see in this mess that is me. Wish I had one of em in bed with me, wish someone could just hold me and lie to me, tell me everything is going to be okay and good people do prevail in the end.

I have so much packing to do. Going to have to take a diet pill today too. I hope I can keep up this fast and avoid b/p at all costs.

"Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.." -Peter Pan

I have a bf?

Raid!

Looong Vlog-don't say I didn't warn ya!

Misc..

Happy Tuesday never came back online Monday night because he and the Ewok got drunk together. Well isn't that just special. Leave me hanging entirely again for the idk how many time. Why do I keep letting this moron affect me so. Why is he such an asshole, does he not see how shitty he's acting, is it because I'm nice that makes it easy for chumps like him to treat me any kinda way?


I completely ignored him on Tuesday. I wish I knew how to be a bitch, how to be as inconsiderate and an ass like he is at times.
I didn't go see my shrink on Tuesday, called and cancelled. I didn't feel much like going to her office and having her scold me and give me lectures on how to be a better person or grow a backbone.
I miss my old shrink terribly, this new shrink is not cutting it for me.
I don't look forward to seeing her at all.
My husband and I are on talking terms again which means less stress for me.
I decided to go to Walmart and do a little bit of grocery shopping.
I even managed to snag six giant bags of leftover Halloween candy that was 75% off. Each bag rounded up to a dollar each. I'm taking three large bags up on my trip outta town, since The Boy loves candy as much as I do. We'll be in bed most of the day if not the day entirely. Watching movies and having plenty of much needed sex.
Have to burn those calories off somehow, might as well get a few orgasms out of it too.
The weather is nice here cooling in the 70's most afternoons, good driving weather. I drove home and checked my mail..
Ooh a pretty pink envelope from the lovely fellow Blogger Jen.
It instantly put a smile on my face. I love all acts of consideration, taking time out one's busy day to acknowledge another human being, to do something for others without expecting anything in return, to just be kind..
Thank you sweetie for my bracelet, it's beautiful. I can't believe you made this,
you're so clever and talented.
I love the colors, and I've made the knot on it as tight as possible so I can wear this forever.
As if the day wasn't getting better enough my sister posted on my FB wall a picture of The Boy with my nephews, it was a good day. My family likes The Boy very much. He is so sweet you can't help but like him.
I made breakfast for dinner as requested, my husband had big kielbasa sausages and I had bacon, yummy scrambled eggs and pancakes too which my daughter adores.
I was happy because these were purge safe items for me minus the pancake which I had none of.
I bought 5 bottles of wine and put one to chill for after my workout.
I'm still at 110lbs. Wish it was lower.
I was on the web cam with my sister for the rest of the night, drinking and laughing, trying to find a little bit of peace.
I found this old video from my last vacation visiting her, decided to share-

B/p only 2x Tuesday is kinda good. As long as I don't go over three I don't feel too outta control.
Today I took my daughter to school and came home to binge on eggs and peanuts then exhausted went straight to sleep. I only managed a 15 minute nap because Happy Tuesday kept bugging me.
I went ahead and spoke to him some, he copped an attitude at some point because I told him he woke me up.
He threw The Boy in my face asking why he can wake me up every morning with Texts and that's OK.
I felt like telling him it's because The Boy is my sweetheart and when he does it it's cute and makes me feel loved and special.
When Happy Tuesday does it, the opposite reaction comes to mind.
I've managed to only b/p 2x today too.

I'm drinking now and waiting on The Boy to wake up from his nap.
I'm gonna try to get more writing done later when I'm officially drunk and liberated.
My period is still on ugh. Hope this goes away soon, don't wanna pack that on my trip.
I can't believe how soon its coming, I'm getting nervous now, how will my Eating Disorder and the opposite sex play out?
Can I fake being normal long enough to not send this kid running for the hills?

Abnormal activity

Monday I decided to actually venture out of the house.
I started my day after dropping my daughter off at school to a trip to Starbucks.

I took my laptop and sat in the crowded cafe and ordered a tall Cappuccino and caught up on my novel and doodled scribbled notes.

Okay I was a little distracted at first LOL..but eventually got down to business..

I've missed my characters..feels good to get back into the old routine. I hope it takes up my time again.

My husband and I still aren't talking to one another, there is a thick tension in this house and I can't stand it.
I feel down and depressive. My attitude stinks and I don't care about stopping b/p cycle today. I'm still at 110lbs and want it lower. I miss being dainty looking, thin and untouchable. I miss the looks and the confidence I got from being small. I need to weigh less.
After Starbucks I took myself to the movies. Wish I had company but being alone is better than being accompanied by misery.

Yes I actually went all by myself to see this..
Well what can I say?
It had it's moments of making you jump here and there but for the most part the story line was a huge disappointment for me. The only highlight of my movie experience was all of the overpriced concession stand junk food that I was binging on, followed by a very long purging session in the handicapped stall in the woman's restroom.
The popcorn hurt.
I head to Walmart afterwards and get something to cook for dinner. I want to keep b/p today not to mention get drunk.
At home it's still awkward, my husband is acting like a giant child.
The Boy is off today and keeping me company. He's looking forward to my visit. Says he can't wait to lay next to me in bed at night and hold me. That sounds nice. I miss affection.
When dinner is done and I've purged, I decide to workout.
I can only manage 400 calories before my legs and arms weaken on me and my breathing gets heavy.
My vision is so blurry today. I lay down on the bed and try to calm down. I can't muster any energy to finish the workout. I feel like a fat failure.
I shower and pray that I don't gain tonight.
The drinking starts an hour later and Happy Tuesday pops up after being M.I.A for two days. Today is his roommate/ex-girlfriend's birthday. I'm surprised he's talking to me at all on account of that fact.
I'm really drunk by this point and I'm biting my tongue holding back sarcastic remarks and the need to bitch at him.
His roommate/whatever the fuck that fat whore is has recently done something I found quite odd borderline stalker type behavior..
You see this is my display pic for my Yahoo Messenger, its also on my FB, but those pics are private so no one can see them. Anyways now she has changed her Twitter and FB pic to something similar to mines, sucking on a lollipop too!
What a fucking FAT loser. This 250lb tubby obviously has taken a gander at my pic and decided she could try to pull the ol sucking on lollipop Lolita look too-but guess what lovelies she can't.
The truth is she looks like an Ewok..(and not one of the cute ones either I'm afraid smdh)

actual photo of her..

So I resisted and avoided a fight by bringing it up. Happy Tuesday and I are going through an awkward phase now, the closer I'm getting to my trip and getting some much needed sexy time with The Boy, the more of a jealous fellow he's becoming. He's even gone so far as to tell me we won't be able to be friends anymore when I come back from my trip, why because I will have already have spent "time" with The Boy and by time he means sex. I don't know what he thinks, I'm trying to do me right now and like I've said before Happy Tuesday is NOT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL..
Our conversation was very civil and then he cut me off for a beer run with the Ewok telling me he'll be back in 15 minutes. So I waited and waited and guess what he's still not back. What an asshole.
I worked on my novel some more before finally succumbing to the drowsiness of alcohol and prescription medications thus blacking out.
Today my husband has finally broken his silence and even took my daughter to school. I called my shrink and cancelled our session-I'm hungover..
B/px1 already today.
Life goes on for Lolita, more after this quick message from our sponsors..

Molested much?

Bundle up

Friday Quickie

5 Snacks That Taste Fatty But Keep You Skinny

Roasted Edamame

Ingredients:
1 pound frozen shelled edamame (green soybeans)
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil

Prep:
1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Lightly spray a baking sheet with canola oil spray.
2. Thaw and drain the edamame in a colander. Pat dry.
3. Toss the edamame, salt, pepper, and olive oil in a large bowl. Spread the edamame evenly on the baking sheet and roast for 50 to 60 minutes, or until golden.

Each serving contains:
130 calories
10 g carbohydrate
7 g fat
11 g protein
129 mg sodium
4 g fiber

Pumpkin Crunch

Ingredients:
1 cup pumpkin seeds
1 1/2 teaspoons canola oil
2 tablespoons pure maple syrup
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 1/4 cups dried cranberries

Prep:
1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Lightly spray a baking sheet with canola oil spray.
2. Toss the pumpkin seeds and canola oil in a small bowl. Spread the coated seeds evenly on the baking sheet. Roast for 20 minutes, or until almost dry.
3. Place the pumpkin seeds in a medium bowl and stir in the maple syrup until coated.
4. Combine the cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and salt in a small bowl. Add the spice mixture to the pumpkin seeds. Stir to combine.
5. Return the pumpkin seeds to the baking sheet and roast for 15 minutes, or until dry, stirring occasionally. Turn the pan several times to ensure even roasting, checking frequently -- seeds burn easily. Set aside until completely cool, about 30 minutes.
6. Combine the seeds and dried cranberries in a large bowl. Store in a tightly sealed container.

Each serving contains:
125 calories
13 g carbohydrates
7 g fat
4 g protein
123 mg sodium
1 g fiber



 

Coconut Macaroons

Ingredients:
1/3 cup water
1 cup evaporated cane juice
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
3/4 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
1 large egg white
4 cups unsweetened coconut flakes

Prep:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly coat a baking sheet with canola oil spray.
2. Combine the water, cane juice, honey, salt, and vanilla in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Stir for about 30 seconds or until syrup forms. Remove from the heat.
3. Combine the egg white and coconut flakes in a large bowl and mix well. Add the syrup and stir to form a dough. Place 1-tablespoon mounds about 1 inch apart on the baking sheet.
4. Bake for 8 minutes. Rotate the baking pan in the oven and bake for another 4 to 5 minutes, or until brown and set. Transfer to a cooling rack until completely cooled. Store in a tightly sealed container.

Each serving contains:
60 calories
6 g carbohydrates
4 g fat
1 g protein
21 mg sodium
0 g fiber

Napoleon of Heirloom Tomatoes and Mozzarella

Ingredients:
1 medium red tomato
1 medium yellow tomato
4 ounces fresh mozzarella
1 cup chopped fresh basil
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Prep:
1. Slice each tomato into 4 equal slices.
2. Cut the mozzarella into 8 thin slices, each weighing 1/2 ounce.
3. Combine the basil, vinegar, salt, and pepper in a small bowl and toss together.
4. To build a napoleon, place 1 red tomato slice on a plate and top with 1 mozzarella slice. Place a yellow tomato slice on the mozzarella and top the tomato with another slice of mozzarella.
5. Top each napoleon with 1/4 cup basil-vinegar mixture.

Each serving contains:
95 calories
6 g carbohydrates
5 g fat
8 g protein
393 mg sodium
2 g fiber

 

 

Coffee Crumb Cake

Ingredients:
1/3 cup steel-cut oats
3 tablespoons whole wheat flour
3 tablespoons firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch sea salt
1 tablespoon canola oil
5 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon unsalted butter
1/4 cup low-fat cream cheese
1 1/3 cups evaporated cane juice
3 large egg yolks
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
2 1/2 teaspoons aluminum-free baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 1/4 cups buttermilk
1 pound fresh blueberries, raspberries, or cranberries
2 cups chopped pecans

Prep:
1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Lightly spray a 10-inch round cake pan with canola oil spray and dust with all-purpose flour.
2. Combine the oats, flour, brown sugar, cinnamon, salt, and canola oil in a medium bowl and mix well. Set aside.
3. With an electric mixer, cream the butter, cream cheese, and cane juice in a large mixing bowl. Add the egg yolks and vanilla and beat until just combined.
4. Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in another large bowl.
5. Add half the flour mixture to the butter mixture and mix briefly. Add 3/4 cup of the buttermilk and mix briefly. Add the remaining flour mixture and mix until just combined. Add the remaining buttermilk and mix until just combined. Do not overmix.
6. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and top with the blueberries. Sprinkle the crumb topping and pecans evenly over the top of the batter.
7. Bake for 30 minutes. Rotate the cake 180 degrees and bake for an additional 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack until the cake pulls away from the pan. Cut into 16 slices to serve.

Each serving contains:
310 calories
45 g carbohydrate
13 g fat
5 g protein
229 mg sodium
2 g fiber

Seven "Diet" Foods That Kill Your Diet.

Many foods that claim to be good for weight loss can actually sabotage your diet. While many of them may be low in calories, they may be sky-high in sodium, sugar or artificial flavoring. Here are the 7 worst “diet” foods that you should avoid: 




 Light Salad Dressing 

Generally, these dressings do have fewer calories and less fat than regular dressings. But if you look closer at the nutritional labels, you’ll see that a large amount of sugar or artificial sweetener is often added to compensate for the lack of fat. Additionally, research has indicated that full fat dressings lead to more of the salad’s nutrients being absorbed into your body. In other words, you will get less nutritional benefit from light dressings. The healthiest way to avoid these issues is to use fresh ingredients to make your own salad dressing.

Flavored Yogurt 

There are many health benefits to yogurt, such as protein, calcium and probiotics. Flavored yogurt, however, contains extra sugar and calories, as well as corn syrup, which can end up being detrimental to your health. Try adding fresh fruit to plain yogurt instead.

Artificial Sweetener

There is some research to show that artificial sweeteners may actually cause you to feel hungrier than regular sugar. Since they are artificial, your body’s liver doesn’t recognize them as nutrients, and instead regards them as toxins, attempting to flush them out of your system. This leads to an increase in appetite. Artificial sweeteners have also been known to increase cravings for sweet foods, since they are much sweeter than natural sugars.

Frozen Diet Dinners

As with nearly all diet foods on this list, the small number of calories in most frozen diet meals can make them seem deceptively healthy. However, these meals tend to contain a hefty amount of sodium – sometimes up to 1,800 milligrams (mg) per dinner. To put this in perspective, dietary guidelines recommend that the average American consume no more than 2,300 mg of sodium daily, or 1,500 mg if you’re over age 50, or have health complications like diabetes or high blood pressure. Additionally, frozen dinners do not generally have enough fruit and vegetables to be considered healthy.

Smoothies

When they are done right, smoothies can have significant nutritional benefits. The problem is that smoothies are sometimes very high in calories, fat, and sugar. To avoid this dense caloric trap, use fresh fruits and vegetables in your smoothies and avoid artificial fruit syrups, peanut butter and chocolate. Make sure to use either low-fat, soy or rice milk as the smoothie’s base.

Fruit Juice Cocktails
Many store-bought fruit juices have tons of added sugar, which increases even more when the product is labeled “fruit juice cocktail.” These deceptive products masquerade as fruit juice, but they mostly contain refined sugar, artificial syrups, and preservatives. In the end, this can result in as much sugar as a candy bar or a soda. To be safe, avoid fruit juice “cocktails,” and make sure the juice you buy from the store is labeled “100% fruit juice.”

Diet Soda 
It’s true that diet drinks have less sugar and fewer calories than regular soda, but recent research has indicated that diet soda drinkers can sometimes end up gaining weight instead of losing it. One study even discovered that people who drank two or more diet sodas per day had larger waist sizes on average than others. It’s been hypothesized that people who drink diet soda believe they can eat more than they would otherwise.

5 Signs you've had too much caffeine

You know you’re a caffeine addict when your eyes won’t open before you’ve taken your first sip of morning Joe, or if your co-workers call you “Crabby” when you skip your afternoon Diet Coke. While the best part of waking up may indeed be Folgers in your cup, being over-caffeinated may also be harmful. “Studies have found that some caffeine can improve mental acuity and performance throughout the day, but too much caffeine can negatively impact your mood, energy, and even health,” says Erin Palinski, RD, CDE, CPT, who has a private practice in New Jersey.


Enjoying a latte probably won’t hurt you, and may even have surprising health benefits such as lowering your risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Just keep in mind that—as with most delicious things in life—it is possible to have too much of a good thing.
“Some research has linked high doses of coffee to infertility and increased risk of hip fractures in older women,” says Keri M. Gans, MS, RD, CDN and author of The Small Change Diet. “If you stop drinking coffee abruptly, you may experience irritability, fatigue, headaches, and even depression.”

So how much caffeine is too much? The American Dietetic Association recommends having no more than 300 mg a day, or the amount in about two or three 8-ounce cups of coffee. Even if you’re not a java lover, you may be getting caffeine from sneaky sources unknowingly: Sports drinks, supplements, and even certain medications contain caffeine. Sneaky sources of caffeine include:

• 2 tablets Excedrin for headaches; 130 mg
• Vital Energy water; 150 mg
• 16-ounce Snapple ice tea; 42 mg
• 1 cup Ben & Jerry’s No Fat Fudge Frozen Yogurt; 85 mg
• 1 cup Dannon Coffee Yogurt; 45 mg
• Barq’s Root Beer; 22 mg
• Hershey’s chocolate bar, 12 mg 

For perspective, one 8-ounce cup of coffee can have anywhere from 125 to 150 mg.
While caffeine’s effects may be different for different people, here are some common warning signs that you may have overdosed.


1. You hit an afternoon slump.
If you can’t get through the day without a Diet Coke fix, you may be hooked on the caffeine. “There is about as much caffeine in one can of Diet Coke as there is in a shot of espresso,” says David J. Clayton, MD, author of The Healthy Guide to Unhealthy Living. Having a few cans a day could leave you feeling high, and then low when you come down from the caffeine buzz.” Besides triggering major dips in energy, the acidity in soda can damage tooth enamel if sipped daily. Limit your Diet Cokes to one a day to avoid hitting a wall in the afternoon, and brush your teeth if possible after drinking soda to help reduce its enamel-eroding effects.


2. You’re peeing orange.
Urine that is dark yellow or orange is a telltale sign of dehydration. “Coffee is actually a diuretic that can lead to dehydration by increasing the amount you urinate so you lose too much body fluids,” says Amy Gross, MPH, RD, CDN and a clinical dietician at New York Presbyterian Hospital. Caffeine usually doesn’t trigger dehydration until after you’ve had about 500 mg, so you should be safe if you stick to a cup or two of coffee a day.


3. You can’t sleep.
“Caffeine takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour to get absorbed and has a very long half-life, meaning it lingers in the body for several hours and can affect your sleep cycle,” says Molly Morgan, R.D., owner of Creative Nutrition Solutions in Vestal, New York, and author of The Skinny Rules. If it takes you longer than 30 minutes to doze off at night, you might try cutting out caffeine once the clock strikes 12 p.m. to see if it helps you get more restful sleep. That applies to all caffeine-containing substances: Sipping green or Chai tea may be a sleep stealer, too, because both beverages contain caffeine. Also keep in mind that decaf coffee and decaf tea are not caffeine-free: both have about one-third the amount of caffeine as the regular kind.

4. You feel anxious.
 Sweaty palms, a racing heart, restlessness, and feeling jittery are all clues that you’ve overdosed on caffeine. “Caffeine can exacerbate stress and depression because it interferes with a tranquilizing neurotransmitter chemical in the brain called adenosine,” says Palinski. Caffeine can also act as a stimulant that triggers the adrenal gland to excrete more stress hormones like adrenaline, which can increase heart rate, making you feel more anxious.

5. You have heartburn.
Acid reflux happens when the muscle at the end of the esophagus, known as the lower esophageal sphincter, allows food and stomach acid to come back up, causing a burning feeling under your chest. If this happens to you, caffeine could be a culprit. “Caffeine relaxes esophageal sphincter, which allows acid to come up in the throat,” says Gross. Try cutting out caffeine altogether to see if it soothes your throat.

The Nordic Diet

The new Nordic diet: the next big weight loss trend?

Vikings are the new diet gurus.

Claus Meyer,  co-founder of the Danish restaurant Noma, twice named the best in the world, has been collaborating with nutrition experts to combat the obesity epidemic.

Meyer calls it The New Nordic Diet, but it’s not exactly new. His food philosophy developed with obesity scientist Arne Astrup has been the subject of a $20 million research project over the past two years. Today, the early results of their work are in and it could mean a revolution in the diet industry.
In a 26-week study by Astrup and her team at the University of Copenhagen, a group of overweight subjects managed to lose an average of 6.8 pounds after 12 weeks on the new Nordic diet. That was more than twice as much as dieters on standard portion-controlled meal plans lost.

“It’s hard to pinpoint the individual ingredients that work but we can see that they lose more weight,” said nutrition professor Thomas Larsen, who presented the study at the European Nutrition Conference last week. 

As a whole, the diet contains some of the staples of classic cold-weather climate cooking:  fish, nuts, legumes, fruits, berries, raw vegetables like cabbage, game meat, and Nordic starches, such as oats.
Like the much-touted Mediterranean diet, foods rich in omega fatty acids and anti-oxidants lead the pack, but with the Nordic diet the ingredients aren't reliant on a Mediterranean climate.  Antioxidant-rich berries that thrive in northern parts of Europe (blueberries, cloudberries), greens like kale and cabbage that promote healthy blood flow, and lean game meats like elk and lamb are all part of the Danish foodie’s plan for a healthier lifestyle.

Another staple of the diet: moderation not starvation. In his manifesto on the “principles of good flavors,” Meyer offers these pointers that can be integrated into any meal plan, regardless of whether you're eating reindeer meat or turkey, cloudberries or blueberries.

Eat the food grown in your regionMeyer believes in eating locally, and getting creative with the food growing in your area in season. Not only does it challenge the cook to be creative but there's historical evidence that our species thrived on our regional foods long before we had processed starches in our pantry and produce shipped from across the globe.

Home-cooked meals are keyHe suggests preparing simple meals from scratch for between 30 minutes to an hour a day, to help rethink diet as more of a lifestyle, or hobby of sorts. Adding a cultural, familial element to food, rather than a grab-and-go notion, can psychologically change the way people think about their diet.

Eat more side dishesThe more, the merrier and the healthier, according to Meyer. Side dishes are key to long-term healthy eating, so long as they're simply prepared vegetables.  "Toss yesterday's leftover boiled or steamed vegetables with a little vinegar, capers, mustard, broad-leaf parsley and olive oil,” he suggests. “Boil some red beets and put some quality salt, grated horseradish or mustard, and vinegar on the table. Use the pulse button on your food processor to mince the remainder of a portion of boiled legumes with some cumin, yogurt, lemon, mint, sugar and chili to create a cohesive and luscious thick mass, pour it into a bowl and add a splash of a high-quality virgin olive oil.” It’s the opposite of portion control, but he believes the lack of simplicity and the bevy of flavors will lead to less binge-eating out boredom.

Replace fat with sweetnessInstead of dousing kale in oil or deep-frying your veggies, you can replace your buttery fixes with a hint of sugar-based condiments. “If you use balsamic vinegar or some other vinegar with sweet overtones to make a vinaigrette, you need far less oil than you would for a classic vinaigrette with white or red wine vinegar.” He also suggests honey or molasses in place of fatty oils to bring out the flavors in bitter root veggies. Another tip from Meyer: Season leftover meat with a touch of vinegar instead of oil to bring out the juicy tenderness.  

Season with more than just salt and pepperFresh herbs are crucial to Meyer’s healthier philosophy, as are sweet and sour flavorings.Everything from wine, to apple vinegars and lime juices, to yogurt all  “offset the flavors of mild or even sweet ingredients such as most vegetables. Even grains, meat and fish can be enhanced with a dollop of yogurt or a splash of citrus instead of a slather of butter.
Your seasonings can also be sides Meyer isn’t big on sugary unnatural condiments like ketchup. Instead he suggests lining the side of your plate with flavor enhancers like pickled gherkins, red beets, tamarind, rhubarb, and even tomatoes. An all-natural substitute to a processed, sugary condiment isn't just healthier, it makes eating more interesting.
Meyer’s principles are designed to prevent what he calls “relapses” into unhealthy binge eating. “You are not on a diet,” he asserts in his manifesto. The idea of dieting, he believes, promotes a concept of deprivation, which isn’t sustainable in the long term.

With his meal plan catching on worldwide (in the UK, there's a copycat cookbook, and Stanford University students recently got a preview of Meyer's principles during a health conference),  Meyer is turning his efforts back to his country. He hopes to implement his principles in Danish schools, where a childhood obesity epidemic looms. In the meantime, you can read his diet manifesto here. And don't worry, there's always chicken, if you'd rather leave the reindeer for Santa.

Candies coming out the wazoo!

Happy Day after Halloween!
What? people stopped celebrating that?

Well yesterday was an epic fail!
I b/p alot of times, at some point in the night even had a whole large pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut (thin crust)
When its Thin Crust I can purge it easily.
That pizza was awesome.
All the candy didn't help, I still have candy left over and if that wasn't enough, I bought more candy because its 50% off..
I also had a whole bottle of wine after my last purge.
So much for that pound I lost.
The trick or treating was okay, my husband, daughter and I managed to enjoy the day without incident.
It was a cold rainy day but that didn't keep us or the rest of society from going out and begging for fun sized candy.

My husband was jealous at some point in the night from all the attention I was getting, but I ignored him as best I could.
The truth is I was already feeling crappy from the night before.
A friend of mines just moved into a new apartment, its bugging me to no end..
I don't usually envy others, but the fact that I'm not moving anytime soon, that I'm in fact "Stuck on Stupid" while it seems everyone else is moving on to bigger and better things.
*Sighs*
I decided yesterday to just keep b/ping since that seems to be the one constant in my life.
Today I woke up late and had to see the shrink at 10.
In all honesty I was almost about to stand her up and not call or show.
After my shower I changed my mind.
In her office with five minutes to spare I waited.
She apoligized profusely for not seeing me last week.
She claims someone in the office was supposed to call me and let me know.
I told her that I think I wanted a transfer, that I felt neglected and overlooked.
My shrink told me she respected my decision but she really wanted to work with me and felt as though she could help me and didn't want to give up on my case.
She argued her case and even dangled a new Case manager in front of me.
I decided to give her one more try.
This session was a little more comfortable, we spent the whole hour phone call/interruption free.
She did yawn twice but in her defense she skipped breakfast and hadn't had lunch yet.
So a New Case Manger will be assigned to me.
On the way home I saw this and thought of dear sweet Peridot..

Bikes!!

I'm home now and b/p, my second of the day.
Bought five boxes of laxatives, the laxatives are taking its toll on my body, I actually had some bleeding the other day. You'd think that would stop me?
I'm going to Best Buy after I get my daughter from school and try to find Talahina Sky..
I also am looking into my train ticket and see if I can book it already.
Hope you all had a better Halloween than me.
Let's see what other trouble I'm getting into today.
Oh and yesterday while I was trick or treating Happy Tuesday texted me like crazy, his last text to me was odd and awkward..
He said in Spanish no less "Te quiero" which means I love you.
Oh Lordy, I hope that was a typo or something..I'm in no condition to love anyone right now, well that's not true, I just don't feel like that towards him.
He's not boyfriend material, not AT ALL.
I don't know what I would say if he actually uttered those words to me in person, I don't wanna be the bad guy. Guess I'll have to remind him of that time in the beginning of our friendship where I made him swear no matter what to never fall in love with me. He raised his right hand and agreed.