New Year's eve

If That's Alright With You

♫ Don't try to love me cus I can't be won, counting on myself I can't rely on noone else..♫

Xmas Bitches

Bah Humbug

All I want for Christmas is not feel lonely...

Santa is real!!!!

Okay here's the Reaction Vid..

Santa baby

http://www.portablenorthpole.com/home

santa's home page lol


Ugh I'm trying to upload the Reaction Vid...it's not happening..give me time I'm trying :(

mayans why am I still here?

There’s a you-shaped ache in me..

I like to think that somewhere
out there, on a planet exactly like
ours, two people exactly like you
and me made totally different
choices and that, somewhere,
we’re still together.

That’s enough for me.

It's over

Broke things off with my boyfriend of 8months last night.
I don't even remember much of what happened to be honest, I was really drunk and triggered, In any case I take full responsibility for our parting of ways.
He's better off,
I'm sure this would've happened later on anyways.
Well now what to do?
I'm gonna do whatever I want now.
There's no more worrying about someone else.

Some of you may not like my next statement, sorry truly.

I'm going to focus solely on my Eating Disorder..

First things first, GW #1:100lbs
GW#2: 90lbs
GW#3: 80lbs

Current weight as of today..114lbs (yuk)
Goodbye Fat, this will be the last time I'll ever be at that number again.

I'll be googling Diet Pills and hitting GNC later.
I've binged on laxatives, have a giant bottle of Water Pills too.

Just me and Ed like old times.
I won't stop till my ribcage and hip bones protrude.

I'll make my own happiness, I'll never let someone else define that feeling for me ever again.

Goodbye everybody,
Talk to you all real soon.

I'm tired.
Lord help me I want to bp.
I'm absolutely disgusted with myself.

Happy Birthday little girl I hardly know..

 

 

hello there

Shit or get off the Pot

Conflicted.

I'm tired of eating nothing, drinking Meal Replacement Shakes..
Trying.

Why am I conflicted?
Why do I feel so bad thinking about leaving this all behind, changing, becoming a better person?
Why is Eating such a hassle.
One day I'm okay, most days I'm not.

I want to gain weight, I want to eat again. Sit at a table and chew and digest food.
Why is that so hard?

Maybe I'm fighting against my true Nature.
Is this how Monsters feel when they know how they live is wrong, when they listen to that small voice that tells them to rebel against themselves.

I'm really tired of fighting guys.
I'm tired of trying to do the right thing and made to feel guilty and less of a human being for thinking otherwise.

What's wrong with me.
Why do I want to lose weight and not Stop.
Why does it bring me joy even if just fleeting.

I'm not well.
I don't want things like everyone else.
I don't want to fit in jeans that are more than a size 0 or jiggle in  certain places, I don't want to "fill out."

I feel selfish and sick thinking this way.

I'm prepared for Solace, for a life where everyone gets fed up with me and turns away.
I'm ready, I've always been ready because deep down everyone leaves.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry I don't fight more, I don't want recovery more than Starvation.
I'm not Perfect, I'm not well.

My Insurance is non existent, I have an appointment soon to see my Dr. and get more meds, I'm thinking of asking the Clinic to reassign me my old Therapist since she works with clients with no Insurance, maybe they can help me get her back.
This time I'll be honest and tell her about Ed, tell her I need help.
I need someone to listen to me, to fix me.

This is all wishful thinking, maybe they can't or she's unavailable or who knows what.
I just wish I could be really honest with someone.
I wish there was one person in this world who could just listen and not judge me or have hidden agendas.
I've noticed lots of people who want things from me, or want me in a certain light.
I'm a person not a project.
You can't fix me if you're flawed yourself.

The old shrink thing is my last resort, my attempt.

Dr.'s can't do shit for me, what I have is all in my head.

I'm tired of wearing my pain on the outside.

I'm tired of feeling empty.

Hello

I skipped work on Monday.
I just felt too sick to go in, my period is on and boy is it ON!
You'd think I was a victim of a Shark Attack or something.
I was too tired Monday, sleepy, cramps, not ready to be on my feet for 11hrs straight.
In all honesty I was not emotional ready either. Depression has me avoiding things.
I stayed home after calling in which was fine with my Managers. I slept some of the day.
Tuesday I was still not ready for work so I left early. I had too many asshole customers that day. Had one bitch in particular talk down to me like I was an idiot, she even raised her voice at me which made me snap like a dog and yell right back at her, demanding respect. I'm a person, just because I'm serving you doesn't make me less of a human being. I'm nice and all but don't get it twisted, I wasn't always this way and I have little hints of that former Lou every once and awhile..she's still in there.

Today, Wednesday was the better day.
I had no incidents with uptight customers at all and I even bought my coworkers Donuts for breakfast. I felt better overall.
I brought my co worker's Secret Santa gift and to my lovely surprise, she had my name too :)
I baked her an Oreo cookie cake and she and I exchanged gifts. I can't go to the party on Saturday so this was the next best thing.
She decided to torture me and not open my present yet.
Her gift was lovely, Hello Kitty swag..
I've been having two good days with ED.
He's been very quiet.
As a matter of fact was highly thinking about gaining weight for a change if you can believe that.
Will this last I don't know.

I'm tired.
I'll workout tomorrow and hopefully continue to be behavior free for a bit.
My sister is coming Saturday to visit. It's her Goddaughter's birthday and I'm invited to the Party.

The Ex and I are on speaking terms so far.
No drama there..yet.

I want to say Thank You to the sweet Sarah who has continued to be an Angel.
She's gone above and beyond as a friend this week.

I've started a Nip/Tuck marathon on Netflix.
I will even try to write this weekend. I miss my Novel.

I'll also be mailing XMas cards soon.
For those who'd like a card who's address I don't have DM me on Twitter @ladikaat69
or friend me on FB.

I hope you all are well, I'll write back soon, deff Vlogging this weekend kay guys.
I haven't shown my mug on here cus been feeling very ugly these days.
My nonexistent self esteem is at an all time low.
Idk if it's the weight loss and all the comments that have me down..
It's hard to like that person in the mirror.

Still here

Yes, no Vlog this weekend.
I'm deciding to write more, if I can find time for it that is..
Time is something I've become all too aware of lately.

I'm experiencing withdrawals of being without medication.
It sucks let me tell you, not so much for me, but for my loved ones.

Once again I'm back to that place where I can't be tolerated for too long, and once again I'm being given "lines."
Those feel better, cheer up lines, those things people say when there is that awkward silence of misunderstanding.

I'm not well obviously, but it doesn't make me less aware of what's happening to me.
I know I've become more negative than I'd like, I can't help that.
Medication suppresses everything, until now.
Now I'm simply saying whatever I please without thinking about it first.

I've been prone lately to random outburst, the uncontrollable crying has started up again, the hopelessness, the wanting to be alone to suffer.
I've been pushing people away.
No one is spared.

I'm sorry if you're one of the unlucky ones who will come to feel this or have felt this already. I don't mean to behave this way but it's hardwired in me and I don't know how to change that.

In a sense its liberating, to not care about things as much as I used to,
To look towards a future and imagine only me and no one else to be a witness to my demise.

Living that way of course is selfish.
To think that what you do and the manner in which you chose to do things won't affect others because they do.

My Eating Disorder is front row and center to my decline. I've lost weight and I wish I could say that doesn't secretly please me. That it doesn't make me feel like finally something is going my way.
On Thursday I took laxatives after bp.
I didn't take too many but I had an adverse effect to them.
I felt sick the whole night and had no one by my side to call or turn to.
The bottle of pills usually hidden in my home somewhere because my boyfriend has threatened to throw them away if he finds them, sat on the counter. A huge part of me wished to throw them away, but I didn't.
By some miracle I got a call back from the numerous calls I made in fear I was Overdosing.
My boyfriend groggily returned my call.
I confessed my recent drama and he responded with the same "when are you going to stop this.."
I survived the night but barely.

I usually see my boyfriend on Fridays, not all of Friday he comes after 3pm and leaves the next day around that time too.
It never feels like enough to me.
Although I love him dearly, sometimes a part of me hates how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become again for another person.
In typical fashion when he told me he wasn't coming to see me, I tried to break it off with him.
I told him I had too much on my plate right now and something had to give.
Unannounced to me, he showed up anyways as a surprise, thinking it was a funny joke to make me think he wasn't coming over.
When he's around things seem to hurt less.
That safe feeling is addictive.

Now he's gone back home, and my kid with her dad.
The apartment is empty and it's just me and the cats.

I work 11hrs again this week and all I can do is be sad once again and hate everything and everyone.
All I've done these days is decline in my health as I've continued to take laxatives and not eat and just bp.

My ex calls me an hour after picking up my daughter to bitch at me about her appearance.
I washed clothes at the last minute because I've been so weak today I've slept half of the day away.
My uniform and hers still warm from the dryer when he calls to come and pick her up for the week.
My daughter's hair is disheveled and she is full of dirt and smells of food from lunch earlier. I haven't had time to even put the laundry away yet let alone give her or myself a shower for the night.
My ex seems to think as usual that I'm a horrible mother who has her kid as he says and I quote "Abandoned."
I despise that I have to deal with this man still but there you have it.

I'm really stressed out.
I can't begin to even explain what really goes on in my head, what I truly feel right now.
My insecurities from a job I have no idea how to properly do, my hatred of my body, this sickness that demands more than I know how to give it..this sadness from missing a man I love and can only see once a week if I'm lucky because of our schedules, my loneliness in general, being isolated in this house, no friends or means to leave or nowhere to go if I could..and worse off this Depression that wills me to be still and do nothing, to give up.

All of these feelings internalized, wrapped up in a pretty box tucked under my bed or put away in a closet somewhere.

I've been craving tattoos lately, the taste of the needle piercing my skin, that look upon the artist face as he tells me this may hurt and it never does.
I miss the pain of the needle cutting into my flesh. I miss the mutilation.

I've started digging into my skin again looking for things that aren't really there. Wearing my pain on the outside again.

I work with a Pharmacist tomorrow who always has an inappropriate joke to say about Eating Disorders..
Last week it was the Store's occupied bathroom and a customer who had to go, he very lightheartedly tells the customer. "It's some girl in there taking too long, I'm sure she's just throwing up or something."
Minutes later a very skinny woman emerges and I can't help but feel so ashamed of my illness.
To feel like I will be forever ridiculed of Anorexia/Bulimia.

The duality is still in me, the part that fights and the part that doesn't want to.
What am I fighting for again?
I forget.

I'm unhappy to gain and happier to lose.
I've not reached my potential Ed says with a smile.

Life is choices and I'm unsure of the right ones.
What is right anymore.

Day off

Oh shit am I tired.

So work has been awful this week, I've had my ass handed to me on numerous occasions by colorful customers.
Geesh people without their meds are scary.

There's a Work Christmas Party on Saturday December 15th.
We're to exchange Secret Santa gifts amongst each other.
I can't go.
I have no car or babysitter.
Would I like to go,
 No.
Should I go,
Yes.
Everyone at work gets along pretty well, I'm the new guy so sometimes I feel like I'm still being hazed into this work/sorority or something. I need to join in more on things to fit in better I suppose. Or at least I think so.
I haven't worked in a long time and I feel that reminder everyday I get up and head to work.
I dread it.
I can handle the physical stress of standing on my feet for 11hrs straight, I can even take the mental beat downs customers give me.
I just feel so out of place there. I feel really dumb.
Everyone who works there is college educated, have gone through internships, they've chosen this profession as their main career in life. They know what they're doing because they've prepared for it.
Then here am I, this depressed, anxious, neurotic anorexic who has no idea how to do half of my job properly.
I'm not trained for it, and I'm never going to learn how to do anything because I'm always stuck in Pick up or Drive Thru. I'm hardly in Production or Never in Drop Off.
Everyone else has their place, I don't see them stressed as me because they know it all. They don't have to teach me anything I guess because maybe they assume I should know this already, after all they do, they went to school for this.
Most days the minute I leave work, my feet are throbbing and my chest is tight from anxiety. I pass McDonald's everyday and contemplate going inside and b/p any stress away. Sometimes I just don't want to care anymore.
I feel really tired, and according to some sources, I look it now.
I've been told I'm getting too skinny and look exhausted. I look frail.
I wish I could tell you I care, that I care about myself, but I don't. I can't stand the sight of myself. Ed's right to tell me the truth. "You're fucked girlie, and they all know it. You're in the weeds all by yourself and there you'll stay. Get used to it being just us, it's better that way."
I've lost all of the maintaining weight, I'm back down to my lowest weight this year.
This is the tricky part. The fork in the road.
Do I gain or keep losing?
Left or Right?
Live or Keep slowly dying.

The peeing of blood is not going away. This is the longest I've experienced this symptom.
Maybe my Organs are failing me. I don't know. I can't exactly call up a friend or family member and ask 'Hey remember that month you peed blood..ya how'd that go for you?'
I don't know anyone else who's going through this and can give me advice.
And not the kind of advice I always hear, the if you eat and take care of yourself stuff..I know that part, lord knows I hear it everyday from everyone. The kind of advice that is more sympathetic, the kind that tells me you'll be okay, this happened to me too once and then I did this and it stopped or it gets better etc.
I know I have to eat and all that. I wish it was easy to do but it's not.
I've just had a Granola bar and juice and already I feel full and gross. Ed's already yelling "Get it out, hurry, Wtf are you doing, don't you know what you weigh today, don't self sabotage now, we can go lower girlie, LOWER."
Normal people eat and don't think this way. They think of what to have for lunch or what dessert to eat afterwards.
They don't count every bit of food that goes into their mouths. They don't think days ahead as to what they see themselves eating, maybe.
I don't know how my life turned out so upside down. Maybe I really am stupid.

I'm sorry for all the self loathing talk. Feel free to skip ahead to another Blog.
I internalize everything, I hardly ever really say what it is I'm truly thinking.
It doesn't really matter most days anyways.


My kid has a lot of things due for school, my Ex hasn't been telling me about progress reports or notes being sent home. I wish he would just talk to me sometimes, how can we help her if we can never be on the same page?
Choose your Ex's wisely people, they'll be in your life forever.


My day off and lots to do. I'm never still. I think if I ever stopped and rested, I would have a heart attack and keel over.
Must keep moving!

So here's the To Do List:

*Two book reports due this weekend.
*One Science Project Due this month.
*School Play next Wednesday.
*Replace broken costly Uniform skirt
*Find Holiday Red&White themed costume for school play
*Finish LOTS of online Modules that are a work requirement
*Laundry
*Groceries
*Pay Bills
*Overdue Workout session
*Online Xmas Shopping
*Domestic domicile duties aka "cleaning"
*Relax  never mind this one, there's no time for that.
*Call Insurance Provider
*Blog
*Post Office


My boyfriend found a clinic for me, he thought may actually take my shit Insurance.
My meds got filled at work, and guess what..
I need a new Insurance Card. December/January are the months where every one's plan changes or stays the same so in the meantime there are a lot of people out there who will go without their meds for a month maybe even two.
I'm one of those people. My Insurance isn't covering them this month.
My Depression meds alone are $84.00
Looks like I'll be all of December med free.
We were just getting the Depression under control, now I'll be off medication Cold Turkey.
I don't know what to expect, how I'll cope.
I'll be going through withdrawals at work. Pfft That's all I need now, to be the Emo girl in the Pharmacy. I already have one coworker asking me if I'm Goth lol. I dress in layers and dark colors, my hair is Platinum Blonde and my nail polish black most times. I tried my best to convince her I don't listen to Marilyn Manson all day, not that there would be anything wrong with that. He's tall, artistic and brilliant, how can you go wrong with that?
I tell her I like all kinds of music, but I'm more Trance junkie-esque to be honest.
Coworker doesn't buy it, keeps saying "Yeah..okay, but it's more like punk rock and stuff right?"

What can I tell you, I was one of those Club Kids you'd see on the Sally Jessy Raphael or Geraldo show..*shrugs*

 

I hope I don't have any sort of episodes or get all suicidal again.

I have a lot more time to myself and that only encourages me.

Why is it always something.

I'll keep trying to eat something everyday even if I fail miserably and end up purging it. I have to try.
I can't promise anything to anyone, I'm pretty sick and have clouded judgement sometimes. All I can do is have good days where things work out. I'll have a lot of bad days too where nothing works out and everything is bleak.
I'm not perfect, I never said I was.
Ya all knew I was like this from the start, you all got the Memo lol.
Don't go thinking I'll change overnight.
Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

Hope you all are getting through the week, I'm sending you all any positivity I can muster.

At least there's next year right..
Things can't get any worse right? *famous last words*

Keep it up/down?

Sunday

You lost what?

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving all.
I'm officially on Holiday at my sister's house.
I'm sad to report that I've been bp and taking laxatives too.
This fuckin ED doesn't take a day off.

I miss my cats and my boyfriend.

Tomorrow shopping and a birthday cake for my kid.
I'll vlog ok guys.
I'm so sorry for being so absent.
I feel very boring lately I want to spare you all.

I'll be back with a vengeance soon I promise.

I love you all take care.

Happy Fake birthday

Trial

Today I had training for the final aspect of my job that was missing.
I felt good finally being able to understand what everyone else knew.
I still have one more training course next Tuesday in the morning which would be fine except I work later for 8 or so hours.

I'm feeling really stretched here.

I had a meeting with my kid's teacher. She was very insistent on seeing both me and my ex.
I made it just in time.
As I'm exiting my daughter's godmother's car, I see my ex across the street watching with too much interest.
My friend drives off and my ex crosses the street, the first words out his mouth are
"Is that, that fucking guy!"
Ugh.
This dickhead doesn't get it.
I don't owe him any explanations.
He should be worried about his kid, not my boyfriend.

The meeting with the teacher is not good.
My kid is having trouble with Grammar.
She can read, it's just the writing that's giving her trouble.
The teacher wants my ex and I to "join forces" in order to help my kid do better in school.
We hardly speak let alone do anything else.
By the end of the meeting I felt like a horrible parent, helpless without a solution.
I wish I had a quick fix for this but that's not possible, that's not how it works.
We're going to have to work at this, things have to change.

Being a working Mom has it's drawbacks. I'm tired all the time, my ED doesn't help either. Most days I just want to watch an episode of Charmed on Netflix and have a glass of wine before bed.
Me time is scarce.

I feel like I have a lot on my plate sometimes.
I know it could be worse and at one point in time it was, so I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself that this year is different and good.
This is a test, a trial. Obstacles are set in front of me and only I can overcome them.


I'm throwing an early birthday for my kid tomorrow at her school.
I baked a chocolate cake and have mini muffins for her classmates. I would have more but I don't have a car so what's available is all I can muster.
My daughter is excited of course she gets to celebrate her birthday three times.
The pretend one at school, another inpromtu at my sister's house next week, and then her actual birthday on Monday.

I see my boyfriend tomorrow too.
I'm happy about that.
I've been so lonely lately. I'm not used to distance in a relationship.
Missing someone and only seeing them once or twice a week is hard on my heart.

My feet hurt from so much walking and standing.
I'd love Peridot to knit me fuzzy inserts for my shoes as she suggested. I'm sure they'd keep me warm in the pharmacy.
The cold is not my friend. I'm cold all the time.
I'm solely existing off of meal replacement shakes. I tried to eat last night, just some crackers with pb and by the time morning rolled around I felt sick to my stomach.
I ended up forcing myself to expel whatever it was making me queasy.
Turns out it was what I ate, undigested.
I had two shakes today and felt nauseous again. I took a Zantac after long hours of enduring, I don't know what happened but suddenly I was stuck with the Hiccups for an hour straight.


So that's it, I'm off to bed to try and sleep.
I only managed to sleep for thirty minutes yesterday.
My Insomnia is horrible.
I'm exhausted.

Hope you all are well.
Take care.

Busy

I apologize for being such a lousy blogger lately.
The truth is I've been too busy with work, and homework even.
My kid had a project that's due Tuesday, she's suppose to draw a logo from a stadium here in Miami. It also counts as an Art grade.

 

I think she did a great job.She also has a ton of books to read and another Science fair project due (ugh) there's a book fair and Parent's night too. (I rhymed!)
So many things for one little Lou to do.
I have a meeting with her teacher on Thursday.
My ex called me last week at work no less and bitched me out on the phone because the teacher called his attention about my kid talking too much.
The pregnant pain in the ass teacher also made stupid remarks like "I only see the mother on Fridays where she picks up her daughter and leaves; the mother needs to take more of an interest in school" or some shit.
More of an interest?
Hello!
Who do you think does all of these projects and things her dad? I think not.
Just cus I'm there when the bell rings everyday after school doesn't make me a bad parent.
I wish the pregnant pain in the ass would just go on maternity leave already.
I want to say Thank you to Sarah for knitting me a lovely cowl. It's beautiful!
It's also kept me warm today at work when I needed it the most.

I also want to say sorry to her, she's lost a dear friend. I'm so sorry honey, my prayers are with you and yours.
I hope God gives you strength to get through this trying time.

Work is hectic.
This week I'm working 10hr shifts, although today was actually 11hrs on my feet, no breaks. The only time I actually sat down was twice when I went to the bathroom.
Tomorrow is another long day, 10hrs.
I don't know how long this will go on for, but I hope not long.
I'm freezing in the Pharmacy, I dress in layers and sweaters and still my fingers are numb and my hands too. I'm always cold.
Stick in the ass is on vacation until the end of the month.
At least there's a silver lining after all.

I've lost three of the five pounds I gained.
My ED is very loud lately. I've been eating way less, well actually I'm living off of meal replacement shakes, coffee and water.
I'm taking my meds and supplements regularly which is good. The new dosage of my depression med is coming along. I don't feel all over the place so far, no uncontrollable crying fits either.
Any sadness I experience is mere loneliness or self loathing for my body.
I have more anxiety than I care for, but that's something I just have to work through.
Eating anything scares me. I wish I could just have a meal and not panic afterwards.  Feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.
If you were to ask me 'Do you see yourself recovering from this?' my answer would be I just don't know anymore.
 Most days I try to eat, but minutes later I purge everything.
The feeling of emptiness comforts me, like my slate has been cleaned. A fresh start.
The only problem is that with every failed attempt, I'm getting sicker and sicker.
I've started to feel dizzy again, it comes and goes.
I feel so isolated and cut off from everything. I could go all day without talking.
 I just feel like there is nothing for me to say.
I walk around at work, float here and there, busy busy busy, not really there even, detached from everyone. I'm not being myself (who ever that is anymore) because I'm not honest. I have this hidden illness. This weight on my shoulders.
The worse I feel, the worse my ED gets.

I had an appointment with Housing, I was nervous about that too, I brought all the necessary paperwork. They don't start processing anything until December. I'll hear back from them then. They'll tell me if my rent goes up.

I go on vacation next week to see my sister. I'm happy to get a break from everything for a few days. I'm not looking forward to the cold nights up there but that's what layering, jackets, scarves, and cute cowls are for, oh and furry boots!
I'll be cooking all the time I'm there, Thanksgiving trimmings and birthday things.
Hope I get a break from ED that week too.


My daughter's birthday is November 26, 8yrs old very soon.
She wants to cut a cake at school with her classmates. I work so much this week, time will be tight. I think I can manage a quick Happy birthday on Friday at her school, but I have to check with pregnant pain in the ass and see what she thinks.

My boyfriend and I are trying to make more time to see each other.
My hectic unpredictable work schedule, plus his own schedule are cutting into us time.
We make the most of our time together and that's what counts I reckon, Quality not Quantity.
We'll be hitting that seven month mark in a few days (happiest 7 months in my heart)
Time is speeding by, soon the year will be gone again.

I'm headed to bed. Hope you all are well and staying strong.
G'night.

Balls and things

Happy Halloween!

 

 

 

 

Up

It's cold out this morning..
I'm tired and once I opened my eyes it officially became Monday.

I went to bed early last night and managed to sleep some until around 2am my daughter wakes me to tell me that her bed is making her itch.
We're trying to get this Eczema business under control so any irritations must be addressed.
It's her bedding she says, so I sleepily come up with a make shift solution to new bedding linens.
She just has the one sheet set, looks like I'll be scouring Ebay tomorrow for new linens.
I fall back asleep, tossing and turning the cold night away into dawn.
The alarm goes off at 6:30am, I head to shower immediately.
The hot water feels good, I wish I could stay in the shower all day. I'm always so cold lately I hate it.
I don't shake any one's hand at work, I try not to make contact with the customers either. I'm embarrassed that my fingers are ice cubes, I don't know how to explain why.
The pharmacy is cold, I'm going to start wearing more layers and scarves. I may be the butt of some jokes, but when am I not.

I have a portable heater on which gets turned on to high, I dress in layers and wake my kid up for school. I don't usually have her Mondays but her dad says he'll pick her up this morning to drop her off, he even wants to give me a ride to the Dr.'s app.

Soon it's 8am and time for school, no ex in sight to give my kid a ride. I start to walk anyways, I can't wait around for anybody.
It's cold outside, windy, Fall weather is here now.
Halfway down the block and my ex pulls up.
I'm avoiding being in the same space as him. Every time we get near one another it gets ugly. I have bus fare weighing heavily in my front pocket.
I load my kid in his car and start walking the two blocks to the bus stop.
Five minutes later my ex calls and wonders if I'm mad today since I'm not accepting rides. I tell him that I wanted to take the bus, I'm sure he's tired from working a double the night before, the last thing he should do is drive me anywhere, and with that I avoid my ex, I avoid a potential fight.

The bus comes fast and I pull out my appointment card, this time I will board the right bus. It's too cold for me to run anywhere this morning.
I ask the driver if this bus is going to my Clinic, he nods. The bus driver must hear this question 1,000 times a day, my neck would hurt from so much nodding.
I have a seat and across from is the token nutcase that you find in any public transit.
He kept saying hello in different languages to everybody who walked past him. After ten minutes of this he put his hand over his mouth and contained himself. He had some interesting sneakers..

I arrive at the Clinic at 8:30am, I'm making good time. I'm also cold, I need coffee, but that can wait till I get out of the app. first..

The Clinic has changed since I last made my lost way here. It's completely remodeled inside. The waiting room is open and spacious, the reception desk is now just as grand. I like it.

After I check in, I'm told I have a new Dr.
It's a woman this time..hmm interesting.
I'm called in first to review my case, this happens every six months.
The woman interviewing me is a Shrink, she asks me questions I answer honestly.
She sums up everything as "You've gotten worse."
Yea, no shit doc.

She asks me why I'm no longer in Therapy, so I tell her how I had a great shrink then I didn't, instead had one who didn't seem to care much about me at all. It's hard to trust someone, but to start all over again is harder. Trust is earned. Not everyone can retain that.
The new Dr. sees me and decides to up my medication, I'm now on Wellbutrin 300mg.
I'll drop off new Rx at work and start the pills on Wednesday. I hope no bad side effects occur.

I get coffee after the appointment then board the bus home. I sat comfortably for about a minute before an elderly woman who can hardly stand came in my direction.
My knee hurts today, real bad but looks like I was standing, I offered her my seat. Later on I found another seat only to give it up to an elderly man with a cane.
Ugh old people all around me, lately I've had a distaste for them, but what can I say, I'm a softie.


Home afterwards, the walk there is filled with Fall sights, flowers that stand out in warm sun, doggies that don't shut up, the Mounted Police officer who doesn't curb his horse??

It's bad enough dog poo litters the sidewalks, now Mr. Ed's dookie too!
I was a little bit disappointed that my Halloween costume didn't come today. I got out of the house since I was certain the mail had come and went.
When I come back home, and start to thaw out from the cold, the mailman is back and carrying goodies.
My costume is here!!
Halloween is saved.
I try it on and it's great, cosplay indeedy.
I'm sure it will be cold on Wednesday so the downside of such a cute costume is I may possibly be a frozen cosplay costumed Lou.

Anyways that's it for today.
I have the urge to drink but have not.
No bp today either.
I actually fought so hard against that. It got so bad on the way back home I stood across the street from a Bakery I frequent. My inner turmoil profound.
I wanted so desperately to cross the street and blow money on baked goods that I knew would never see the light of my intestines.
I wish Ed's had sponsors, like in AA. I would so very much wish I could call someone and say please help me, I'm not too strong right now. I feel like hurting myself right now.
It doesn't and I didn't have a soul to call.
My depression is bad because I feel more isolated than usual.
It shouldn't be an excuse but it doesn't take much to get me going.

Tomorrow work and a new system to learn. I'm anxious already.
Dear God please don't let me fuck up too bad at work.

Sunday

Boo!

 

Saturday

Vent..have a seat, this could take awhile.

Saturday

Oh lordy

Wednesday was another busy day at work, I managed to only get one asshole customer and stick in the ass didn't give me any grief whatsoever that makes two days in a row.
I'm walking home after my shift my feet are sore from standing all day and I'm lightheaded from hardly eating.
As I turn the corner on my block I see my ex pulling up in front of my building honking his horn with too much gusto.
My daughter gets out and heads up the stairs, my ex has a sour puss on so I figured he would pull off and say nothing to me.
Instead what comes out of his mouth is not what I wanted to hear at all.
My ex tells me that the Teacher will be calling me because she overheard my daughter saying she wanted to have sex with some boy.
Now this was shocking to hear because my kid doesn't even know what Sex means, she's too little for that talk yet.I can't even picture her uttering those words.
I was also skeptical because my ex has a way of twisting things around to suit him.
He says that my daughter overheard my upstairs neighbor's kid who practically lives here cus her mom just leaves all day, say that, the SEX word.
I was shocked when my ex didn't blame me for the whole thing or try to say that she learned about Sex on account of me and my boyfriend.
I saw a twinkle in his eye though that wanted so desperately to say something more, to use this as an excuse to say look at what's happened because you can't keep it in your pants every weekend.
But he couldn't of course. No, not this time.
I head inside with my daughter and call my sister immediately. My sister is practically her other mom too, she worries and wants nothing but the best for my kid.
I tell my sister the details and I can hear her mouth drop to the floor on the other end of the line.
I put her on speaker phone and sit my daughter on the couch so she can further explain.
So this is how the real story goes:

There were two boys from her classroom who at lunchtime for some reason hugged each other for a long time (*shrugs* beats the shit outta me??) my daughter said they're gonna have sex, wanna have sex or something along those lines.
The teacher heard her and asked why did she say that, my kid says she doesn't know, it's something her friend Mary (neighbor's kid) had said. This Mary girl said that she herself was having sex with some boy at her school named E.J

My daughter started crying because I had to explain that now we had problems. Sex is a word not to be uttered, only grownups can say that. As much as it breaks my heart she can't play with this Mary girl anymore.
I also told my kid about the ramifications of such a word.
Now I have to talk with the Principal and the school will even send a social worker to my home.
I told my kid that all kinds of uncomfortable questions will be asked and we will be judged on how we live, if for some reason the social worker doesn't like any of it, my kid may have to be taken away from me, not even her dad could get her, if that's the worse case scenario.

As I'm telling my daughter this, she is clawing at her skin, her eczema is out of control, I've spent so much money trying to find ways to settle this flare up but to no avail. It's spread everywhere.
Her skin is dry and cracked and she scratches at it until it bleeds.
She has a weird insurance just like me, and these clinics here don't take it.
I call my ex and tell him that he needs to help me out.
I tell him that I will be taking her to the nearest Hospital's emergency room so someone can help us. I don't care how much it costs, those fuckers will just have to bill me!
I tell my ex that he needs to help me, he waits for me to do it all, school projects, hospital visits, anything and everything. I tell him that I work too now and that's no longer an excuse. He has to take her and do these things too.
He's pretty quiet on the other end but agrees sort of.

Later on in the evening I head upstairs to talk to Mary's mother.
I call her out in the Hallway because she has a Silverback Gorilla in her living room being nosey, this ape even pokes her head out in the hallway. I look at her aggravated wanting privacy, she leaves us alone.
I explain the whole thing to her Mom and of course her kid denies it all.
The only thing her mother can say is sorry and that her daughter knows about SEX because she's explained it to her.

I head back downstairs and it's early to bed. Tomorrow the Hospital.
I wake up late and dress quickly, I wake my kid up too.
It's raining out, I call a cab to take us there, the trip cost me $15..

At the Hospital it's cold, lately I've been freezing all the time, if I could get away with wearing both a scarf and mittens to work then I would.
I was bundled up plenty but nothing keeps me warm these days.

The tips of my fingers are purple at work. I try not to even make contact with co workers or customers, I'm embarrassed to be an icicle.
Being so cold all the time is not normal.
I get so cold at work I start to pray to God that time goes by quickly so I can head home and warm up.
What can happen if I get real cold?
Do I go into some kind of shock?
Has anyone else ever gone through this before?


I was taken care of quickly. My daughter and I head inside after her vitals are taken and all the necessary paper work is filled out.
We wait in Room 5, the nurse on staff "Peter" puts the Disney channel and my daughter is like a moth to a flame.

I think I may need to put cable on in my house.
Her Dr. comes in shortly and I almost come myself because Holy Shit this man is gorgeous!
He's Hispanic, with one of those accents that is all confusing but sounds like harps playing to me lol.
Dark hair and dark eyes, ooh my favorite.
He's saying all kinds of medical jargon but I don't care, I nod my head otherwise.
My kid is going to be okay. Real meds are prescribed and she will be cured shortly. A dermatologist appointment is made for Monday of next week even, they want to help her get better. My kid doesn't want to leave the Hospital room because well Cable!
As we leave scripts and school note in hand I start to pray this doesn't cost too much.
Instead of taking a cab straight home I decide we should walk a few blocks down and catch the "Jitney."

The "Jitney" is basically a van converted into public transit. For a mere $1.25 you can ride certain parts of this great city.
I live near Downtown Miami, and most Jitneys stop there, it's their last stop actually.
We board the make shift bus.
It's crowded and smelly, the driver has AM radio blasting with some radio station about Haiti. My kid loves any new experience, this is not new to me.
I couldn't wait to get off this thing.
To get off you shout at the driver "Here!" and so he pulls over in the middle of traffic and out you go.
Once we arrive Downtown, my daughter and I walk a few blocks back up to my job.

I don't like to be anywhere near my job once I'm off but here I was dropping off meds.
Elton John greets me, all too happy even.
He's not too annoying, just messy. He's kinda cute even in that I didn't shave and have bed hair sort of way lol.
His raspy voice asks me what I'm doing on the other other side of the Pharmacy??
My sweet Manager asks me if I want to work, they are understaffed on Thursday, a part of me wishes I could help them out.
I make a mental note of it, I'll ask later if I can work Thursday mornings.
No stick in the Ass on Thursdays even..

My daughter and I wander around the store looking at Costumes and things, she likes several ones that are just too small.
My daughter has 2 scripts to get filled, the second is an OTC (over the counter) med, it's Claratin, an antihistamine. It's $48.
Once her med is ready, the sticker price for ten measly pills she has to take 2x a day for five days.. $125 without insurance.
Wow.
Looks like those extra $300 I was recently blessed with served their purpose.

At home I call my Ex, I work Monday and can't take her to her Dermatologist app.
He has to do it.
Oh lord.
My ex starts making excuses that he doesn't know where or what to do, I basically tell him to please figure it out, she needs this.
I pray he can put his big boy pants on and do this. Please Ex husband, be a dad and even put yourself in my shoes. It's not easy to do what I do, but here I am, Anxiety, eating Disorder, Depression, somehow I make it all work out.
I try.
I do what I must, there is no one to come along and relieve me of my post or duties. I'm a MOM 24/7. I have no Parents to help me, no useful Ex, no siblings..
It's just me doing it all, pulling shit outta my ass, making it all work.
Talk about me all you can, make fun of my Ed, me, my looks, my intelligence;
 but there's one thing you can NEVER say, that I don't bust my ass for this little family of mines.
When it comes down to it all I make it happen.
I'm proud of that.

My kid takes her meds today and hasn't scratched all day.
We walk around after the sun goes down and head to another CVS. My kid finds her Halloween costume there, she will be a Bee.
At home we try it on and it's really snug, lol she looks like the little bee girl from Blind Melon's "No Rain" video.

My kid has gained some weight since being with her dad, I hate that the Ed part of me wants to come down on her and Boot Camp this weight off of her, instead I say nothing and try to restrict her intake little by little.
Ugh, this makes me feel like a Horrible Mom. I don't know if any of you have kids and Ed's, do you find yourself in this same position, freaking out about your kid's weight?

Anyways, tomorrow is another regular day I hope.
I've taken laxatives tonight and haven't had anything but two shakes.

I'm hating my weight and self as usual.
My period came on which is confirmation I'm not knocked up.
A part of me is relived of course, I can't possibly have another kid now, but of course there's that side of me that wishes I was..oh well, everything in it's due time.

I can't stop listening to David Guetta ft. Sia's "Titanium".
What beautiful lyrics..
I love this song..it's me in a nutshell.
"Shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am Titanium".

Nite!
Love you all.

Tuesday Vlog

Loooong Ass Friday Vlog folks.

My Dogs is killin me

I'm free!
Worked only five hours today and then I'm off until Friday.
I hardly got sleep last night, then when I finally dozed off, the alarm clock went off and it was time to work.

I fixed up my Ex's computer, I downloaded Yahoo Messenger and gave him his very own Email.
The purpose of the Yahoo was so he could Webcam with my kid if he wanted, little did I know he'd actually figure out how to use the thing.

I'm done with my shower and suddenly my laptop starts ringing, it's my Ex wanting to Video call.
He tells me that my kid played on the computer last night and maybe changed a few settings that he's not familiar with.
I gave him instructions on how to fix what was wrong.

I get to work a little early and have coffee.
I'm dreading working with Stick in the Ass today.
I'm sipping coffee and headed inside the Pharmacy when, what's this? No Stick in the Ass today!

Yesterday old bastard was saying something about going out of town until Thursday, I didn't hear much as I ususally tune everything and everything out.

No Stick in the Ass today, instead the new Pharmacist who likes to sing along to songs that play on the radio we have in the back.

My day is okay despite the fact that I do a lot.
A lot of my coworkers are very complacent and thus stay in certain areas all day where I run around the Pharmacy doing it all.

There are days where I'm stressed and I'm constantly asking myself what the hell am I doing here?

I did groceries today but haven't eaten much more than Peanuts.
I bought laxatives because I haven't gone to the bathroom in forever,
I was trying to naturally have a bm but omg felt like I was either having an aneurysm or having another child.

I'm glad to have one day off before Friday at least.

I think that's it, haven't felt like writing much lately, sorry.
I'm really tired, my feets has blisters.
The bottom of my feet are actually swollen and cracked. Standing on my feet and walking everywhere are very visible now.
I don't get people who are too proud to work a menial job in order to feed their family?  I don't see what the fuck you have to be proud about.
It's not easy.

Oh, I've also decided to lend my Ex the money after all..
Pathetic right?

Idk, I feel sorry for him and maybe I should just be good and hope I get it back in spades later on *shrugs*
He says he needs help with his Internet again.
Ugh If I wasn't bound to this man because of my kid I'd swear I would be happier.

Ex's are so because they are your Past, I'm tired of looking back, it's obscuring my Future view.

I'm still feeling blah, my Ed is very demanding lately, sometimes I just want to talk to no one.
I feel tired complaining all day about my Food issues.

I'm heading to the Dr. tomorrow and seeing if maybe they take my Insurance.
If they don't then I have no idea what my next move will be, probably just ignore aches and pains until they go away.

Birthday Party this Saturday for my friend's son, I have no idea what to give a 5yr old boy??
Any Ideas?


Have a goodnight all.
Please be safe.

Monday

I'm not feeling so hot.
My pelvic region hurts, feels like it's my Ovaries, but after much Googling, it could be a number of things.
It could be the cysts in my Ovaries, it could be IBS, it could be my Kidneys, I have no idea.
All I know is this, my lower gut is swollen and sore, it hurts to bend over, sit down, ugh it just hurts!

I called a Clinic nearby to see if they take my Insurance, they never called back so tomorrow I will have to walk over there and try to make the appointment in person.
They also have a Gp, so I'm thinking see the Gyno plus Gp (general practitioner) and get an overall checkup.

As much as this scares me, I will tell the Dr.'s I have an Eating Disorder.
I'm hoping I don't get too much shit for it.
I have no idea what the consequences for admitting this means?

Has anyone else ever been through this??

Work was okay today.
I made cookies for my coworkers.
White Chocolate Chip Macadamia.



I didn't work with stick in the ass today which was good.
I had plenty of rude customers though. Remind me to tell you about some of them!
I sold my first Flu Shot today. I got a point. The company racks up your points and you win prizes for selling the most, so here I go getting all competitive lol.
I've bp today, before and after work. I haven't admitted to this except to you all.

I hate it.
My weight is bad, but not accurate.

I worked 9hrs straight with no break, my coworkers did too.
At the end of the night they all joked about who was the hungriest and it turned into a giant make fun of Anorexics conversation.
I felt offended and sad.

How can I ever get help if I'm nothing but a laughing stock to others.
Just because I'm not emaciated looking or in a hospital, does no one else understand the severity on my illness?

I'm dying.
I'm not well.
I'm sad.


I come home to cats, my kid is with my ex and my boyfriend is back at home.
I feel very lonely.

Sometimes I'm used to it just being me, other times I'm not.

I work at 2pm tomorrow so I can sleep in some, but afterwards another long tiring day.

I feel very conflicted about a lot of things right now,
I feel like I'm in self destruct mode, I want to sabotage some relationships.

My Ed wants me alone.