I'm sorry

I can't see my collarbones, my ribs and hipbones are non existent.
My hips stick out and my butt feels bigger.

I'm fat.

Today my car got fixed.
My window can now go down, the blown motor was changed.
My mechanic found me four rims for my car but I can't afford them. They are $350.00
He also said my front speaker was done, he has two new speakers he'll give me tomorrow, maybe he can install it this weekend.
Today has been okay with my husband, he's been in a great mood.
We're actually talking more and more about the future.
I think us not living together is the best decision I've ever made. I will be able to finally forgive him for everything and find closure within myself this way.
He and I share a child together and that means we have to deal with each other for the rest of her life. We have to get along for her sake. We have no real reason to hate one another at all.
I wish him all the best in his new life, and I know he wishes me the same.

After the car repair we headed to the video store.
We were at my sister in law's video store when all of a sudden who should walk in but none other than Udonis Haslem a Miami Heat basketball player. He was very stuck up and didn't want autographs or pictures. My husband was very star struck and it actually broke his heart that one of his favorite players was acting this way. I wasn't surprised at all.
Sometimes these people just don't want to be bothered.


The video store trip was fun despite this.
My sister in law who's also a stoner and Bulimic was very friendly as usual.
We spend twenty dollars which buys you four DVDs but she always sends us out with 15 movies..
For Christmas we gave her a gift card from the Olive Garden, she was happy.
I think I'm gonna give her a nickel bag soon, I'm sure she would love that.
She's very sweet.

So the rest of the day I've been cooking and watching movies galore.
I made a chicken pot pie. I actually ate some of this in a very small bowl. Yes I felt guilty afterwards and had a meltdown. I can't enjoy anything without being riddled with guilt..

I'm currently watching Dream House with Daniel Craig, I like it very much.

I worked out today, my knee didn't give me any hassles. No kidney pains today.
I didn't get my appointment letter in the mail today, I'm still waiting. Please God let it come already.

Everything else in my life is getting better but not my ED.
My ED is driving me nuts.
I tried to be social but I just can't yet.
Too many triggering people today.
So day 29 and I'm still okay.
Sort of.

My ED wants me to go ape shit and do all these behaviors to lose all the weight I've gained.
I don't know how much longer I can go on.

I'll say this now that I'm in that point in my life where I kinda see things clearer.

Do I want to look like this?

Hell Fuck No!

God that is so unhealthy on so many levels, no one should allow themselves to be comfortable at that weight. You're doing tremendous damage to your body.
You can't possibly be happy with yourself at this weight, I don't care how confident you are. This is becoming the norm here in the states and I absolutely hate it. No wonder anyone who doesn't look like this is dubbed Anorexic.

Do I want to look like this?

No.

I don't want to look like this either.

Why would anyone want to look like they are dying?

I have a child, a daughter no less, it would break my heart if I saw her doing this to herself. I know all I put myself through to look like that, I would never wish that on another person.

No in all honesty I don't want to look like that.

There are times when this stupid ED demands this, but I can't.

I have to show my kid differently, I can't look like that.

So yes I'm sorry for my next statement, but right now if you weigh less than 100lbs, I just can't talk to you.

I can't do it.

I won't compete with you and I don't want to hear about your hassles, you have

no idea how triggering you are to me right now.

I know I have more sense than this, and even though I hate the shit outta my body right now, it's for the best.

At this point in my life, I can't go backwards.

If I don't want this thing to kill me then I have to disassociate myself away from all that bullshit.

I wish you all the best, but right now I can't be there to support any more weight loss.

So now what Lou, you're a confusing bunch?

Do you wanna weigh 80lbs again like you did before you got knocked up or what?
When I was that low in my weight, I had people telling me to eat and asking me if I was on Meth or crack, did I have Aids?
I had my husband shaking me awake every night just to make sure I was still alive. I felt like shit all the time. I liked the way I looked but no one else did.
I was the definition of selfish.

No. I don't want to look like that picture.

The sick ED in me says yeah, get it all off! SKINNY c'mon lose all the weight keep going, you're doing good.

The me, the person with more sense than that says NO.

Who can possibly find a bony woman attractive?

Who wants to be weak all the time and starving.

You're not strong, you're an idiot.

I'm gonna try to make a break for it, flee ED as much as I can.

Yes I'll have bad days and triggering days but I'm gonna try my hardest to fight it and keep pushing forward.

Please God help me fight this.

I want to love my body and myself.

I want a chance.

I don't want my daughter to ever suffer with this affliction.

I'm tired of my hair falling out, of being cold all the time. I'm tired of not being able to be really close to anyone because I'm so scared of letting anyone see my body. I'm tired of letting this dictate how my day will go or how I feel.
I'm so miserable.

I feel like I want to cry because there are so many people I love who are sick and suffering, but I just don't know what to say to you, you don't want help, you want to keep getting sicker. I listen and support you trying to get better and be a decent weight that isn't skeletal but then you turn it all around and it becomes this thing where deep down inside I just think you want attention and someone to sit in the Peanut Gallery, a witness to your performance.

I saw my father die of Cancer.

He went from being perfectly healthy to looking like an emaciated Anorexic.

He suffered, he was hungry and couldn't eat, hold food down. Couldn't walk. I saw what sickness is.

I watched him wither away and die, I don't want anyone to watch me die.
I don't want anyone to be affected by my illness. I still have a choice to not alllow myself to get worse.
I don't want anyone to see me get worse.

Least of all my daughter.

I need to fight this.

I will try.

Please forgive me.

I'm not saying my shit doesn't stink.

I'm just saying don't make it harder for me.

No worries I'm not ditching Blogger, I'll still be here, but you'll just hear me bitch and complain about trying to fight this.

I hope you all stick around and maybe try to have bouts in your life where you fight this illness too.

So that's it.

Back to the movie.

I love you all and thanks for hearing all my nonsense.

<3

Lou.

No one said it was easy

I'm still here.
Today is by far the worst with my ED, holy shit is it bad.
I think my period is on? I don't really know if that's what it is, the only other time I've had a flow this light was before I had my daughter when I was at my lowest weight ever, right before I stopped having periods altogether.
I ate again today, I feel like crap now.
I'm so bloated, my digestion is awful.
The kidney pains are gone. My knee doesn't even hurt today, at least that's good news. My weight is still the same although I swear I feel like I'm slowly expanding by the minute.
I'm still keeping to myself, I just feel like I have nothing whatsoever to say to anyone. Plus no one really likes me when I get all negative like this, I can be a bit much, so I don't want to annoy anyone.
I know everyone means well and I appreciate what you all say attempting to cheer me up.
Its this ED, I feel like I'm drowning.

I just have to make the most of the day and try my hardest to learn to live myself. Like it or not I have to make this body of mines work.

I'll try to be a little more social tomorrow, I don't like cold shoulders and that's what I'm doing. It's not fair to anyone I care about to be this selfish regardless.


I wanted to distract myself because I was really triggered earlier and felt so sure today day 27 was the day I would finally cave and really binge..
I went on Craig's List just to humor myself. I hate looking at furniture because I'm still stuck here and what would I do if I actually saw something I really wanted, where would I stick it?
I did this very thing anyways.
I emailed someone who was giving away IKEA goods. I love IKEA!
I honestly didn't think he would respond so fast but there it was.
Free furniture and a reply asking how soon can you take it off my hands?
I called my husband who was at the park with my kid and he said sure let's go get it, free is free and you're gonna need all you can.
So my little yellow bug actually fit all that in it. I shook my head in disbelief, I think my car is 1/3 clown car.

An IKEA desk, bookcase and 2 chairs.
This was the highlight of my day.
My apartment looks like an episode of Hoarders, there is stuff everywhere. I still have loads to keep dumping.
My daughter was so excited, she can't wait to move and decorate her room.
Neither can I.
I hope my appointment comes this week. I'm ready to get this show on the road.
My mechanic postponed my car repair for tomorrow morning. What a hassle.

I'm gonna watch a little T.V with the Mrs. then get back to my book..
Goodnite all!

P.s
To Peridot you and your blog are not at all triggering to me sweetie, as a matter of fact reading any blogs don't trigger me.
We all the right to write what we please, it is after all our blogs and we should be able to vent when we want.
So ((hugs)) to you all for writing still. There are a lot of Bloggers who've gone missing and I think it's disappointing but everyone has their reasons.
In any case keep writing and I'll keep reading.
<3

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I'm in a very bad mood.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going on in this same manner.
My ED is getting the best of me.
I find myself thinking all kinds of irrational things.

My ED says it's time to go solo.
Ignore everyone for good, no more friendly emails and Instant messages, just say fuck it and fuck you to everyone I know.
I'm tired of competitions and fake "friends."
I'm getting fed up hearing everyone Else's bullshit.

I ate today, it felt like a binge but I'm sure it's the equivalent of a normal person's average caloric count.
I feel like a fat pig.
I hate gaining weight yet here I am doing it.
I don't like this tug of war that's going on right now.

The problem with disappearing is that all of a sudden there are too many questions and explanations that I have no answers to.
Why can't I be selfish and just take a break away from everyone?

I feel so sad.
I'm starting to worry now.
I will be living alone very soon and still have no job.
How will I pay my rent?
How will I provide for my kid, she will solely depend on me for everything.
I feel like I'm going to ruin everything, I feel like I'm going to fail.
Maybe I do need a third party to care for me, my mental state is not at a hundred percent.

When my husband and I first split I was heartbroken, lost and incredibly depressed.
I lost 20lbs in the first two months of living alone immediately because I never ate.
All I did was drink myself into a stupor to not feel the pain of truly being alone.
I felt hopeless.
I had no direction and my depression put me in a foul place where I preferred to be alone.
I abused medication and drank Brandy every night.
I found myself in situations and became this shell of my former self.
I was a mess and got taken advantage of on numerous occasions.

My fear is that this will happen all over again.
There is a dual side to this.
My ED is what is making me think about the failure part.
It would have me believe that I will lose it all again because I am weak.

Then there's that part of me that says so what.
So what if you fail..
What does that mean anyways, people fail all the time and yet they go on, you have before and you can again.
If you fail, oh well.
What are you trying to prove?
Who exactly are you trying to do anything for?

I am so mindful of others people feelings.
I'm constantly protecting others, trying my best to be polite and not offend anyone.
No one does that for me.
They offend me, trigger me, leave me hanging or set me up for things I should know better.
Why can't I just do the same, why does it feel so impossible?
I want to be mean too sometimes, I want to hurt people back in the same manner they've done to me.
Why can't I just grow a pair and do the same?

Day 26 and I feel like I just want to give up.
I hate this negativity.
I hate ED.
I wish I was like everyone else sometimes, perfectly boring and having mediocre problems, I'm tired of my problems.
I feel like a constant complainer.

My husband came home a little while ago asking me what's wrong.
I didn't say anything, nothings wrong.
I feel like a fool for saying how I really feel.
How am I supposed to say I'm sad because I've gained weight, or that I'm scared to make it on my own, can I?
I feel like I'm not reaching my potential, I feel like I'm scared of people, and being out in the open.
I feel selfish and unworthy.
No I can't say any of these things to anyone, because normal people don't think like this.
I wish I could just accept things and make the most of anything.
Sometimes I do, but the majority of times I'm scared to allow myself to.
I don't want to conform, I want more than what I've been given.

I just want a break.
I want to go away for awhile and just get all of this out.
I feel so selfish.
I want out. I want quiet.
I need space.
I feel too crowded now.
Too many people asking me too many personal things.
I need privacy.

I need a minute.

I've been reading "Mrs Dalloway" again, not too mention "The Hours."
I adore Virginia Woolf, I feel as though if I were from another Era I would be her.
It feels refreshing to see you own thoughts regurgitated by another and in print no less..she was a visionary and misunderstood because of her illness.


Virginia Woolf (January 25, 1882 – March 28, 1941) is one of the foremost modernist literary figures of the twentieth century in my opinion. Though she is commonly regarded by many as a feminist, she herself deplored the term, as she felt it suggested an obsession with women and womens' concerns. She preferred to be referred to as a "humanist".

At the end of 1940, Woolf suffered another severe bout of depression, from which she felt she was unable to recover, partly due to the onset of World War II. On March 28, 1941, at the age of 59, Woolf filled her pockets with stones and drowned herself in the River Ouse, near her home in Rodmell. She left two suicide notes; one for her sister Vanessa, the other for her husband, Leonard.

I will leave you with Virginia Woolf's suicide note to her husband, I found this to be incredibly romantic..

"Dearest,
 I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.


I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.

V."


I wish I was that brave.
I don't think there are stones heavy enough to hold me down.

Sunday

Day 25

What Happens in My Head....

Me: I'm hungry.
Ana: No, you're not, you fat piece of shit.
Me: Ana, I'm really hungry this time.
Ana: NO! You are not.
Me: Ana, I'm starving, can I please eat?
Mia: You can eat if you want, just remember that I'll be there when you're done.
Me: Can we not do this tonight?
Ana: If you don't eat.
Mia: Yeah, only if you don't eat.
Me: But I'm so hungry.
Ana: Go drink water, you pig.
Me: I want food.
Mia: Go ahead and eat it.
Ana: Yeah, and when you're done with Mia, we're going on a 5 mile jog.
Me: I'm not hungry.
Ana: I told you that you weren't! You never believe me!

Boo ED

I spy..

My daughter has tutoring today, decided to walk and get her.
I'm still pissy about the weight gain and I need exercise every chance I get.
I'm anxious today. The walk didn't help that out. I had to keep telling myself it was going to be okay. Sometimes I think the Buspar doesn't do shit.
I see my Dr. tomorrow, I think I'll tell him that, I know he's going to say something stupid in response like last time-"Work through the anxiety."
Well fucker if I knew how to do that then I wouldn't be in this pickle.
Ass.

I don't know what he'll say, probably up the Buspar, wish I could start a new medication.
I skipped my Wellbutrin today.
Maybe that's also why I'm anxious.
The long walk felt awful, I kept feeling lightheaded and kept thinking it was too late to turn back now.
I kept trying to think of all kind of things to distract myself, but all that kept popping in my head was ideas of b/p.
I tried and tried and kept feeling worse.
Stupid ED wish it would just put me on my ass already so I can just be locked away in a hospital room for good.
It doesn't.
Instead I do all sorts of things and still manage to wake up every morning in this same skin that I loathe.
I'm not in a good mood. I hate waiting and now it's all about waiting on account of the Housing appointment.
I keep thinking about what I'm going to do for income.
Why am I not passing out?
I know I'm dehydrated, I keep waiting for the seizure or the blackout that never comes?
I haven't eaten today, I really shouldn't. I think I've eaten enough these past few days.
Today is one of those days where I just don't want to put up the facade with anyone. I just want to stay in bed. Day 23 no Bulimia. I should be happy about this but you know ED never satisfied.
When I get back I have to finish purging some more crap I won't be taking with me before homework and making dinner for my kid.
On the way back from school, my daughter complaining about everything, we see something odd in the street.

A Hawk eating a pigeon. It was both beautiful and frightening at the same time.
My daughter was appalled and actually wanted me to intervene on the pigeon's behalf.
So sorry baby, umm I think that pigeon's days of bob..peck peck peck on the sidewalk are over. I give her the Circle of Life reference from the Lion King, she smiles catching my drift.

That's life, some just don't make it.

It is a eat or be eaten world out there, and I think seeing this on our walk home just verified it.

I don't see myself as a pigeon. I'll do whatever it takes to keep pushing forward.

They may not always be the best choices but they are mines alone to make.

Blah

My daughter is feeling better.
The meds are helping and she should be able to return back to school Thursday.
My husband took another day off from work.
He's in a good mood today. He can't stop talking about my move.
He says he'll help me move and paint, fix up the apartment and help me find furniture.
He's all too eager to help.
My daughter is excited to move, it's all she talks about.
I've been purging things from my apartment that I can't take with me.
My kitchen appliances are all useless, they are all riddled with roaches, I can't even salvage the microwave.
The roaches have infested everything I own. I have to disinfect the things that I do keep. So far less is more and that's okay, it's just stuff and stuff is easily obtainable.
When I first moved to this apartment all I had was a mattress and a box or two of important keepsakes and photo albums.
Over the years I've come up again. So I know no matter what happens I always land on my feet again.
I've also read somewhere after any major breakup it's always good to have a total makeover. Get new stuff, a new look, and outlook.
I think I'll do this.
New things, new way of thinking and a new look.
I'm just waiting on my appointment from Housing to discuss my income so my rent amount can be determined.
Things seem to be going great.

My Eating Disorder is trying to take my happiness away.
My weight is all I can think about.
I've been eating more and trying to be okay with it, but it's hard.
Eating food is hard.
I keep telling myself it's okay to gain weight, it's okay to maintain.
You don't look bad, you're not obese.
I'm trying but I can't help but feel miserable after each thing I eat.
The more miserable I feel, the more I just want to get away from everyone I know. I just want to be alone.
What is that thing inside me that wants to keep dropping more and more weight?
When will it ever be enough?
I'm trying to restrict again, just eat what I can and no more.
Eating feels wrong to me, food makes no sense.
Nothing I eat is ever what I actually want anyways.

I'll keep trying, but I'm afraid my mood may sour with each passing day.
I don't want to isolate myself but maybe I should.

Lil Miss Allergies

I awake this morning dizzy and nauseous.
Heading to the bathroom I'm bent over the toilet bowl trying my best not to throw up. Every fiber in my being says that action is wrong and is solely associated with ED behavior. So I I suffer and go against my body's natural reaction to sickness.
I'm not in a good place today with my Eating Disorder. ED is furious.
I've been eating more these days, my guard has been let down on account of all the good news that's been hitting me in waves..and as a result of actual ingestion of food my weight is starting to creep back up. I've managed to be 21 days Bulimia free, but that's on the the back burner because I can't seem to focus on the small victories, I can only focus on my sudden feeling of failing.
I weigh and there it is, gain. Fuck.
In the cold room's background I hear my alarm clock buzz and a stir from both my daughter and husband.
Suddenly the alarm goes silent.
I take my meds and vitamins.
I search the basket that holds all the various bottles of things I take on a daily basis, I'm in search for two little blue pills.
Water Pills, the last two in my possession, I'm incredibly bloated and need some release.
All my pills start to make me sick and the feeling of purging returns.

My husband is mad this morning, I hear him in the other room saying something that sounds like "stop that."
I go investigate and find my daughter's face a fright.
Her right eye is completely swollen shut. Yesterday it was puffy somewhat, an allergic reaction to something.
I never thought it could get this bad.
My husband is bitching at her for rubbing her eye. She can't help it, it itches and she's uncomfortable, she is only seven.
We're out of Benadryl, I tell him that's all she needs, it will help her. He ignores me.
My daughter heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth and start the school routine.
My husband is fuming.

My ED is out of control today. I am in all kinds of pain. My kidney throbs in agony.
Drinking on an empty stomach is killing me.
It hurts to move.
My head is loud with feelings of failure. Why did I eat? What am I doing?
God I'm so FAT!

My daughter keeps rubbing her eyes and my husband keeps barking at her to stop.
"She needs to go to the hospital now."
Here we go.
What hospital?
My kid's insurance is all screwed up, I can't switch her HMO until May. Her real Pediatrician and clinic are no longer taking my current insurance on account of budget cuts and new reform.
Her new insurance keeps referring her to a clinic in Coral Gables. This place only cares about cashing in, they don't have specialists or doctors that know our history. If I take her to any other hospital they are going to bill me and then I have to fight with Medicaid and try to dispute it.
He doesn't understand this, it's complicated.
"So, I don't care." he then turns to my daughter and bitches at her again.
"Stop rubbing your eyes, see how it got because you keep doing that!"
My daughter starts to cry and now so do I.
I tell him we'll go.
I comfort my daughter and dress her.
My husband is walking around with this face that screams I'm pissed off.
It's very intimidating, he looks so mad like he wants to hit something or someone.
After my daughter is dressed, I fix her a bag, it will be along day in the hospital and she needs to be ready.
She needs to dress warm, and plenty of things to occupy her.
My husband keeps on and I finally snap and bitch back.
He says I'm hysterical, we fight for a full minute before I tell him to just STFU and call her school to report the absence.
My daughter wants breakfast, I tell her to wait on the couch while I get dressed.
She looks miserable and confused.
I close the bathroom door and have my meltdown.
I'm suddenly feeling everything at once.
I feel like an awful mother because I'm too calm, why am I not a hysterical like him?
I hate that she's sick and I can't do a thing to make it all better.
I feel mad at my husband for always saying all the wrong things.
I feel like a failure.
I've gained weight, whether it's actual or not I don't know.
All I can think about is b/p and taking 40 laxatives before bed, or possibly all week. Diuretics and over exercising, restricting food or denying myself it all together. Everything and anything to get this weight off.
I make my daughter breakfast while my husband suddenly starts changing his tune and calming down.
While she eats I make the beds.
I holler in pain as I bend over to reach for a pillow.
I don't understand this new kidney pain.
It hurts to actually straighten myself up.
My phosphates in my kidneys are actually high on account of all the b/p and laxative abuse. Dehydration helps nothing.

Today was suppose to be different, last night my husband decided to start talking to me after ignoring since I got the good news that I was moving.
He actually started to talk about what his plans were after we separate.
He was moving out and on and wished me all the best in my new life.
Even said something like "I'll never rent again, I'm going to buy a condo."
Well isn't that just fancy, excuse me while I go back to low class quarters with the rest of the commoners.
Our income tax return is actually ready to be picked up from the tax place.

Yes today was suppose to be different.

We're out the door and now my husband is cracking jokes in the car.
He has to be Bipolar.
"I think these hospital trips are kinda exciting, don't you like them?"
What?
No.
I don't like hospitals why would I?
I practically grew up in one.
I lost both my parents in one on account of Cancer.
Chemotherapy, surgeries, appointments and emergency room visits. Let's not even get started on how many times I was in a hospital because of my mother's drunken stupors and falls that resulted in her splitting her head open.
How about my own visits, heart murmur specialists, nose bleeds for no reason, eye and throat infections, and of course complications because of ED.
No I repeat I don't like hospitals.
I am certainly not too pleased to pass down all this insanity to my daughter.

Parking is no fun when you have a backseat driver pointing to spaces your car cannot possibly fit into.
I wish he would just respect any decision I make.
My husband makes me feel like a little child at times, he makes me feel like I'm eight years old all over again.
Like when I was eight and my father would cut up my steak for me into pieces.
We arrive at the E.R ward and the long day continues.
Lots of tests done and no answers.
All they could come up with is an allergic reaction to something.
They pump my kid full of steroids and Benadryl.
She's sent home with recommendations to specialists for her allergies and a note for missing class. Rx's for nose and eye drops too.
We eventually manage to make it to the tax office and then the bank before heading home.
I'm tired and I'm going to go lay with my kid for awhile.
My husband brought Burger King home.
I ate it and didn't purge.
I have horrible anxiety now.
I feel so full and stupid for eating it.
Hours have passed since then and I'm getting over it.
I keep telling myself this..
I'll be okay, its just weight,
It goes up and down, that's the thing about change, it's inevitable.
I feel selfish and vain because I worry about stupid things like food and numbers.
I'm pissed today but I'm working on it.
I feel amazing that I didn't purge, I resisted and actually kept food down.
I'm going to start writing down true goals that aren't related to weight loss and try my hardest to bring them to fruition.
I have to get in touch with that non disordered side of me that's in there somewhere. I can do this.

My Time now!

My Manager LOL

Move

Well I got a letter in the mail, and I'm moving yay!
Next week I start the process so happy!

S/O Saturday

Me, myself and ED

The Antlers

They are a great band and help me outta my ED funk sometimes.
Give it a listen..

I has Fucked.

I am in a foul disposition today.

I think I took too many pills at once..on the plus side this ride feels good.

Chatter

So I wanted to blog about these past two days and all that's happened.
I can't or rather I can't focus.

I've been taking my meds so my depression is in check. I am not depressed.
Today makes day 16 no b/p.
My weight is still at 103.

All good good things, yes wonderful things.
Why am I so sad then?

Yesterday I binged on a bag of Airheads, I craved candy so much it was making me nuts. It took all day but yea that bag is practically finished. This is the most I've allowed myself to eat in days..
My daughter had a bad cough Monday night, her stomach ached and she kept throwing up. The worst part of it all, the thing that hurt me the most was she was so tired and sleepy yet the sick feeling kept her up and in tears. I didn't sleep at all that night, I was so exhausted myself, but if she's going to lose sleep than I will too. Medicine I administered actually settled her down some at about 1am and she managed to sleep. I didn't, not until 5am only to find myself up at 7. I drank the rest of the Merlot that sat in my fridge, so I was a mess in the morning but she felt better so that's all that mattered. I had to apply for that Hotel job, my head throbbed and I was cold and cranky. Honestly I was not up to it at all. The clothes I wore were too big, I need to get smaller pants. I didn't feel confident at all, felt out of place. I thought at any moment someone was going to point to me and say 'You there, get outta here, you don't belong here with us!'
I arrived at the swanky over priced hotel and headed to Human Resources where I filled out my application and left a copy of my Resume. Let's see what happens. I kept looking around asking myself is there where I am going to end up finally?
Is this my job?

My husband was off so we got movies and I cooked. I made a Chicken Fricassee because it's my baby's favorite.

She got Green yesterday at school, green is good. She's feeling better too.
My slumlord has so called Inspectors patrolling my building's hallways in and out of apartments. I'm no fool, these people aren't inspectors.
They are appraisers. I know them folk all too well, having sold two homes of my own. Looks like the slumlord is selling this dump and cutting her loses, by loses I mean us tenants. I'm moving anyways so all this can do is probably speed up the thing, my heart is sad for the countless elderly that live here, where will they go, how will they move all their stuff, who will help them?
It's not fair.
I didn't get any sleep last night, maybe half an hour tops. I kept having awful nightmares and such endless chatter in my head, wish I was drunk, could get peace for a few hours.
This morning I wake up and I'm so tired. My husband is sound sleep in his own bed, a drunken slumber from last night. He and I have been getting along actually. Monday he paid my overdue light bill so now I have a clean slate for next month. He's been paying everything to leave me debt free which is the opposite of what I thought. I'm grateful that he may actually be mature about this, maybe we can both walk away with minimal damage after all.
I weigh.
Still 103.
My head hurts really bad, there is so much chatter its deafening.
I feel dizzy today and my vision is so blurry even with my glasses on. I make myself drink a shake and regret it instantly. My stomach starts to hurt and I feel nauseous. My daughter is dressed but I'm not. My stomach looks bloated? I don't know anymore, is it or not?
I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.
My daughter needs breakfast and I have to get dressed. I make a mean bowl of cereal in the morning, but today she wants bagels with cream cheese and sliced strawberries. My head hurts and I swear its the smell of food that's causing it. My house reeks of last nights dinner, I can't stand it for another second so I whip out the bleach and start to disinfect the kitchen and anywhere I can. I toast my daughter's bagel and slice her fruit, give her orange juice and she is all smiles..I give her a little one and wash my hands profusely to get the smell of food off them too. I hate the thoughts that tell me that the touching of food is bad, those are the worst ones, that compulsion that says, food and oils absorb in your skin and calories seep in. Even the thoughts that say water makes you gain. It's maddening and untrue. I have to take a deep breath and try to reset when I think this. I can't give in to the utter nonsense.

I don't think it's sadness what I feel, or maybe it is. I feel very small today.
I utterly ashamed because of my Eating Disorder. I want to keep losing more weight. God help me I do.
I feel like such an awful human being because of it. I feel so judged and misunderstood, I don't want to have these feelings but I do. No matter how good things seem to be getting everywhere else, the ED is insatiable. I'm so tired of never being satisfied, I think I've forgotten what that even feels like?

Will I ever be rid of it?
 How much longer can I put myself through this, why can I withstand so much abuse?
Feels like my whole life has been about abuse or being abused. Maybe that's the norm for me, maybe I hope for too much, try to go against the current. I should just accept who I truly am. I don't know what it will take for me to stop wanting more, stop chasing and just be still in the moment.

If I keep losing more weight I will eventually start losing people in my life, sometimes I think it's better that way. What I'm doing to my body is a slow suicide, why should anyone bother loving a dying thing?
Today is going to be a long and very challenging day for me. I want to be positive I do, but I have a lot going through my head, so many conflicting things. Overall I feel ashamed, I do. I want to keep losing weight even though that's bad. I feel like I'm letting so many people down including myself. I'll just sort through all of my feelings today one by one. Deal with today's feelings and not think so much ahead. I have to start learning to deal with things properly..
Yes today is going to be tough, but I'm fucking tougher.

The mirror has two faces

This is How I feel today.

*sighs heavily*

You love me, you really love me!

I've won an award?!
Thank you to the amazing Peridot for bestowing this award to me..
I love you to pieces my little Kiwi Fruit.

So now I'm suppose to tell you all 7 things that make my life lovely and pass this along to five other wonderful Bloggers..
Here we go.

1.) My daughter Lil Miss B.
I never knew Motherhood could be so fun and rewarding, this kid keeps me alive in more ways than I can describe to you all. (psst God thanks again)

2.) Rainy days.
I don't know what is it about the cloudy overcast, and the smell of it but like Shirley Manson sung.."I'm only Happy when it Rains."

3.) My cats.
Yes those little hairy bastards make the day bearable.

4.) Babies.
Yes the mere sight of little newborns automatically makes me smile and get's that dumb clock ticking.. *shh!* quiet down Uterus, we'll bag us a Trophy Plastic Surgeon husband soon enough!

5.) Candy.
Candy is dandy, the one thing I eat and never worry about.
Mmmm high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors and coloring *drools on keyboard*

6.) Making someone smile or laugh.
If I can do this everyday to any particular person, then it's a lovely day.

7.) Getting sweet emails or texts in the morning from the people you care about.
Who doesn't want to be someones first thought in the A.M?

Awww..
Yeah that was harder than I thought lol.
So thanks once again and now to pass this along to five others.
 Krystal, Rae, Jenn, Dani, Skinny El
So ladies what makes your life lovely?

Three King's Day Parade

Sleepy Saturday

Debbie Downer

At a snail's pace

I got a book in the mail today..

I'm not exactly into the whole Recovery bit, but I don't mind seeing how the other half lives.
I got it off this Website Bulimia.com, they are an Eating Disorder site with links and things for those interested in recovery.

This was in the book's very first page, I'll share.

Do You have an Eating Disorder?

• Constantly think about your food, weight, or body image?
• Have difficulty concentrating because of those thoughts?
• Worry about what your last meal is doing to your body?
• Experience guilt or shame around eating?
• Count calories whenever you eat or drink?
• Feel "out of control" when it comes to food?
• Binge eat twice a week or more?
• Still feel fat when others tell you that you are thin?
• Obsess that your stomach,hips,thighs, or buttocks are too big?
• Weigh yourself several times daily?
• Exercise more than an hour every day to burn calories?
• Exercise to lose weight even if you are ill or injured?
• Label foods as "good" or "bad"?
• Vomit after eating?
• Use laxatives or diuretics to keep your weight down?
• Severely limit your food intake?

It's like looking into a mirror lol.
Today makes 10 whole days since I've last b/p.
I haven't eaten anything today, I've just been drinking loads of water.
Not purging has left me with an abundance of stomach acid and bile buildup which I can now taste. I'm nauseous and have a huge migraine.
You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't purge.
I've been in bed all day, my husband sound asleep next to me.
I feel so depressed.

My house reeks. I think it's contributing to the headache.
My house smells like my mother's bedroom after a month long alcohol binge.
What does that smell like?
Imagine a room full of empty or half opened beer cans, liquor bottles, miniatures. Imagine someone who wakes up drunk and falls asleep the same way being locked in that room only coming out to get more booze or to annoy me or my sister, bathroom breaks (sometimes) seldom eats-maybe a cup of noodles and doesn't finish it.
My house smells like that. My husband drinks everyday, his skin smells of it, his clothes and breath. I'm sick to death of this smell. I grew up with an alcoholic, I can't wait till he moves out and takes his liquor with him.
I don't want to have an alcoholic in my life ever again.

I could lay in bed and keep feeling miserable or I could get up and do something.

I do something.

I take my Wellbutrin today for starters. I take what supps I have left.
Ugh I look horrible. I need to do my hair, it's time again.
I shower and head out for the day. My husband works all weekend long and that makes me happy. I'm going to disinfect my house and get that drunkard smell out, then work on me.
Fuck you depression, you're not gonna get me this time.
I got to speak to my sister and she's happy to hear me more upbeat and to know my husband is nowhere in sight.
She's happy if I'm happy.
Why do I get this reaction from a lot of people I know?
In Publix and I'm circling the aisles wondering what to make for dinner?
I have no idea what to buy, I circle the same departments over and over, from an outsiders point of view, you'd think I was shoplifting or something.
Finally I just go with stir fry veggies and lomein noodles.
Strawberries are back in season here, my daughter will be so excited. Strawberries are her favorite fruit to eat.
At the checkout line and my favorite cashier is here.
Her name is Lisa and she's very bubbly. She has the ability to make you smile by just smiling herself. So I found myself smiling in the 10 items or less line.
"Where you been girl, I haven't seen you here anymore, shopping somewhere else?"
Heavy sigh.
No I've been busy these days.
The truth is I haven't been binging, so I haven't been here every morning as per my routine. Dropping my daughter off at school and heading over to the market to rack up on things to b/p on, making chit chat with Lisa here while I secretly wished she would hurry up and ring everything up so I could leave and the fun could start.
10 days later no Bulimia in sight and I run into her again.
She holds up the line by talking to me about her weight loss resolution. She says she wants to drop 30lbs this year. Of course she asks me for tips. I hate giving out tips, so I give her the healthy ones that everyone should do anyways.
She's grateful and said she hopes to look like me, I actually laughed out loud with that and tell her,
NO you don't wanna look like me, trust me it's a mess under these clothes.
She laughs and shakes her head.
On my way out walking down the shady sidewalk towards my car I spot a snail on the ground. The poor thing, I actually pick it up and move it out of harm's way, I know the snail is probably cussing me under it's breath seeing as I have no idea which direction it was headed, maybe it took him all day and I just set him back to the starting point, but at least I bought him a few hours without being stepped on..
I know, I save little animals, and help out the elderly, I like to donate things and like to help out whenever I can. I'm always putting others first and myself last.

When I'm all done with errands my husband is dressed and out the door.
I have the house all to myself.
I'm really dizzy today as I drive to get my daughter from school, she got Green today and Green is good!
She's happy about the dinner and the fruit.
I'm not hungry, I've been nursing a bottle of juice, I don't even want it.
I'm going to try to workout today.
I had a thought earlier, I'm sure it makes no sense at all, but this is how I actually feel right now,
I have so much going on in my head, and things that I have to do and things that are about to happen, I actually think that food and eating are not as important to me right now.
That's crazy right?

The only thing worse than staying is leaving. I can't get away from myself.

Tuesday was awful.
My husband and I barely spoke to one another, I think maybe a total of twenty words were uttered all day.

I was supposed to go to Housing and the Post office even, instead I woke up at 6am Hungover and sore all over my body.
I head to the bathroom and look at my body. My left rib really hurts and the headache is here. Do I weigh or not.
I decide against it for now. I can't take another blow, I've taken even of those last night.
I stare at the meds and decide against it. I'm very confused right now about a lot of things. Seems like everything lately is getting to me. I don't know if I'm making right choices anymore.
What are right choices anyway?
My daughter is up after a few pokes and sheet stealing on my part. School routine on.
"I'm tired!" she won't stop.
Well you know what baby, Mommy's tired too.
My husband is passed out asleep in his little twin bed, I feel dizzy today and need to grab on the counter or lean against walls. Not eating is starting to get to me. Drinking a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach doesn't help either.
My husband is actually awake and taking my kid to school. He says nothing to me as he leaves, we don't even look at each other.
I pick up the apartment some before laying back down. When I open my eyes it's actually 2pm..I've slept all of the day away. I didn't get anything done.
My daughter has tutoring today so there's no rush to get her. My husband is awake and getting dressed to leave. As he heads out the door I ask him where's he going, not because I care, but am I getting our kid from school or is he?
He says nothing and bolts.
Triggering!
As I start to make the beds the new house phone rings and my husband is on the other end of the line.
"So I gotta move out this month?"
I feel like I'm going insane. How many times can I tell him the same answer?
He hangs up on me.

I'm too sore to go anywhere, I don't want to be seen.
I stay in bed all day. I try to workout and can't.
At night my husband starts his drinking.
My sister calls me and I can't talk to her when he's here. She knows this but tried to talk to me for a minute. My answers are short and vague. I don't smile or give her conversation. He's listening.
She can tell that something is wrong and tries to coax it out of me, I can't get into details so she gives up.
The boy comes online, he and I are back to that friend stage.
I'm headed in March to visit my sister in Orlando. She has started making this known at work. The boy has started asking about me a lot. My sister called me last week confused..
"You two talking again, he sure won't stop talking about you.."
He wants to know when I'm coming to visit. So he and I talk for a little bit.
He wants to hang out again when I'm up there, I told him we would have to see. Right now I'm in no mood for making plans.
He cracks a joke that actually made me smile wide, and in that very instant my husband glances at me.
I see that little flicker in his eye and I immediately regretted smiling.
I get scared.
I end up logging offline and ignoring everyone.
The more my husband drinks quietly, the more I know thoughts of who knows what start to fester in his head.
I think I need to learn the rules.
No smiling, no talking to family members, no drinking wine, no smoking, no laughing, no working out, no computer..
Stay out of his way and don't piss him off. All I can think about is is Christmas night and that first awful fight, all I kept saying was why? what did I do?
I don't get how someone's anger can get so outta hand. Why is my life less valuable than yours?
If he's mad then the trouble starts.
I was debating going to bed early or not, I wanted to avoid an argument. So I did.
This morning the same thing and he even took her to school. I head to the bathroom and cry in the shower. I feel like a prisoner. When are things going to change, what is going to happen next month. I didn't do so well living alone last time, I'm scared all the time now. I'm scared to enjoy anything.
I towel off and weigh.

104.4lbs

I'm not even happy about this to be honest. I don't know what to feel. I'm finding it easier now to refuse food altogether. How much weight will I lose then?
I dress in a white long sleeve thermal and black skinny jeans, it's cold out today so I will need a scarf.
I decide to wear a very long knitted scarf that someone gave me last year in the mail. Her name is Vivian and we bonded over our love of Chanel no. 5 perfume.
When I used to work, right after my mother died and two years before Lil Miss B. was ever in the picture, I used to actually spoil myself. This 100$ perfume was one of many things I did. Now that I think about it, I used to be happy back then. Yes I was emaciated looking and weighed as much as my daughter does now, but my god I was happy with my body. My eating disorder was not as awful as it is today. I didn't even know back then what eating disorders were.
I used to even eat, not a lot, but I never counted calories or exercised much, my husband worked all the time so we hardly saw each other, he wasn't as possessive as he is now. Things seemed so much simpler then.

This particular scarf was sent to me in a package one Tuesday afternoon. It's very long, so long I have to wrap it around my neck 3x keeping me incredibly warm. It's black and pink, green and baby blue..most importantly Vivian has saturated the thing with Chanel no.5 perfume. To this day it still smells that way.
The smell is comforting and reminds me of happier times.
I'm thinking a lot about my weight back then. I think maybe being that same weight again will actually be the thing I'm missing. Or I could be wrong.
My husband is sound asleep as I leave the house and head to the Housing office to inquire about my case.

 Outside the breeze and cloudy overcast put me in better spirits, getting out the house is what I need.
I have my Buspar with me, I chase that down with a shake. I'm anxious and very dizzy. So dizzy in fact I think driving may be a bad idea. Nonetheless I have to go. The drive there is slow and I'm working on my breathing and listening to the music in the Cd player, anything to keep distracted and not focus on the attack that's trying to take over. I feel so sleepy, my eyes want to close on me but I keep on, sipping slowly on my shake and praying I don't crash. I keep smelling the sweet perfume and think about better times. Will good things happen soon?

I finally manage to make it in one piece and get out of my car. It hurts to take deep breaths today. My kidneys hurt as I bend over to reach for my cane.
A woman parks next to me and argues with her husband before cutting me off on account of my slow walking pace and goes inside the office..the automatic doors open and I turn to my left and say Good Morning to the security guard. The woman guard gives me a sincere smile and she and I share a little insight-manners. The woman in front of me said nothing on the way in as I'm sure countless others. Manners are free by the way.
The one thing I've learned is that you must always be nice to others, it takes seconds to just greet someone.
In all my time dealing with government offices I've also learned it's important to keep the guard happy, because it only takes one to delay you from anything especially if you don't have an appointment. They are the Gate Keepers.
I'm finally seen and it's all good news. I am on the list, I am approved for the next available two bedroom that opens up, I just have to wait for them to send me a letter in the mail with an appointment to come back and review my choice of apartments. I am going to have three choices and must pick one place to move. I stay there for a complete year then I can transfer anywhere in the USA if I want to move outta state even. That may come in handy.
I'm incredibly tempted even now to just move away with my tax return. Head up to live with my sister and start over. I want to be near people that love me, I need that.
My daughter is home now, I got her from school, she got Yellow today and yellow is limbo. My husband is up and ignoring me. I wish it was Friday, the weekend I have the house all to myself and I can drink and just be. I don't have to be scared or sad.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to take my meds, my depression is here and it's getting worse by the day.
I think I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be seen. I feel as though I have nothing whatsoever to say anymore.
I'm emotionally and physically drained. The stress is starting to show on my body. I've cut my nails short on account of all the picking at my face that's been going on this week. My face is shredded up and I'm finding it harder to stop hurting myself in any way I can.

I just wish sometimes everyone would just go away and give up on me already.
 I feel defeated. I may pull a disappearing act this week. I'm not sure yet, I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to make sense of things but I don't know who to trust anymore, maybe no one.
Day 9 no b/p and day 3 no eating.
I'm not hungry.