To fix or not to fix? That is the question

Purge...ing clothes

Tuesday and I'm off to work, super positive and praying it will last.
My weight is good.
I've lost 5lbs and am currently maintaining at this triple digit wonder, I say wonder because that's exactly what happens when I look back at how quickly it's all come back.
I try to stay positive and drive.
When I get to work I'm actually early so scoot over to AT&T and pay the phone and DSL.
When I'm done with that I call and pay my Light bill.
Wow. I'm extra productive today.
I wonder if it's the Ginkoba supplement I started taking?
Or maybe I can attest it to my new found sobriety.
When I finally do punch in there's no sight of Macy Gray's ugly cousin and for an instant I smile devilishly.
My coworkers at the chaotic store like my hair, although they think it's dyed black when it's actually just a chocolate brown. I'm so pale I guess any shade darker then the bleach blonde I had previous would be confusing.
In any event work is fine.
I'm punched in at noon an hour earlier than my normal shift here.
My sweet coworker with the bum foot has a word with me.
"Listen I know you and her don't like each other so this is how we're going to run things...You'll be in Production till 4pm and she'll be at the register. Then after 4pm you guys switch."
I nod my head in agreement.
The day is fine so far.
An hour into my shift and my ex husband shows up with my daughter. He hands me the Rx for her eyes drops and even some Loratidine for allergy.
My friend with the bum leg types it up while my daughter heads over to the blood pressure machine to muck about.
My ex eyes me curiously as I'm working, I don't think he's understood the full magnitude of me going back to work or even working in a pharmacy no less. He gives me small smiles and I know he gets it now. He knows I'm busting my ass as best I can under the circumstances I'm under with my Depression and Eating Disorder.
It's not easy for me but I do it. He has to give me some credit.
All my coworkers gush over my daughter and she gives them mumbled hellos and shy smiles.
After less than five minutes it's all filled and they're off back home.
Everything seems to be going just fine.
When that hideous woman gets there things start to back up. She's so annoying oh Mylanta!
Suffice to say when 4pm hit her ass was all too eager to disappear in production.
I go on break and am still ok, Even managed to snack on some cashews and guzzle water.
When I punch back in things don't go so well.
We are backed up because one register works, the other cash machine decided just for shits and giggles to break down and beep noisily.
I'm at the Pickup and Drive thru too.
Macy Grays embarrassing relative is at Drop off. The other tech has kicked her out in order to bring the Production queue down. The coworker with the bum leg is on break.
No one is helping me. I always help them.
I keep a smile throughout the remaining three hours of my shift but found my thoughts trying to betray me.
My mind wanted to get negative and complain. It wanted to make me get into a foul disposition.
I started to talk these thoughts off the ledge and regained my composure.
My mind may have shut up but my body wasn't having none of that.
My head hurt terribly. I popped four Advil at once and still no relief.
My feet hurt and throbbed and my legs started that dull ache. My hip was next reminding me we were one hour more at the pharmacy than it's used to.
By the time 8'oclock rolled around I was gone and feeling awful.
One of the store Managers was outside smoking a cigarette.
I instantly felt like I needed one.
I bum a smoke and he scolds me on the dangers of smoking. I tell him I haven't smoked in some days and he tells me even more reason not to give it to me.
I tell him if he ever wants me to help out at this store again he better give me that cigarette now.
I head to my car and push in the car lighter as I pull out and drive home.
I start to cry in my car.
I start to pray.
The whole day I felt fine up until I didn't.
My whole problem is the fact no one helps me out. I'm too fucking meek to say anything, to complain more. I just take it.
I always just take it.
I pray for strength, I pray for understanding.
I pray for the capacity to just not truly care.
I wish I was like them. They see my struggle and can ignore it. They will go home just fine from work. They won't be crying in their cars. I wish I was a bitch, a mean, hard hearted person.
Why must I be so sensitive, why must everything feel a sense of justice?
So I cry, cry for all the things I'm not and for all the things I am.
And I thought I was doing so good being positive. God I can't even do that.

To add insult to injury the bloody car lighters don't work!
I have two of em in the car and nothing. They can charge a phone but can't light a cigarette!
So I didn't get to smoke after all.
By the time I get home just feel awful inside.
My head hurts so bad.
I decided to b/p on some cereal. Sometimes the purging helps make headaches go away.
Funny huh?
It so often is the source of my headache.
It worked.
It also dropped my sugar so I was very dizzy and spent the rest of the night in bed. My eyes grew tired and I stayed asleep for half the night.

I stayed in bed all day today. I finished reading "Eat, Pray Love" and slept some more.
I had to do laundry today and purge the clothes that I'm no longer able to fit into.
Finally around 7pm I get out of bed and tackle the closet.
1 full bag of skinny clothes are off the shelf.
Second I go through drawers and finally ALL of my jeans with the exception of 2 are shoved in bags.
I have no pants. If the waist isn't elastic I just can't fucking fit them.
I'm uber depressed.
Three giant bags of clothing for Donation.

A small voice within me stands up proudly tries to look on the bright side.
"Now we can go shopping for more clothes!"
I tell it to sit down and shut the fuck up dummy, don't you remember what shopping for bigger sizes is like!
This is not fun.
I should just buy a poncho and call it a day.

I hear my neighbor checking her mailbox outside.
I have a small pink T.V in my room that is not being used.
I ask my neighbor if she wants it, her daughter lights up at the thought.
So pink T.V has a much needed new home. I do a little Yoga before bed.

I'll take the 3 sacks of no longer skinny Lou's clothing to the Goodwill after work.
Bye Bye 00's..

That same stupid voice speaks up again..
"Hey at least we have more hangers?'

Ugh. Sit Down!

Positive

So Yesterday I worked at the Pharmacy on the beach.
I actually got a good night's sleep, no nightmares.
I wake up refreshed in the morning ready to tackle the world, or at least work.
I don't set my GPS yet because I'm fairly certain I can find the Pharmacy on my own, Its not until I get on the wrong ramp entering Miami Beach that I get lost, very lost!
There's a detour I follow all the while trying to activate the GPS and steer which doesn't work.
I end up following the detour all the way to the freeway ramp leading me out of the beach!
I text my Boss and let her know I will be late.
This time I set the GPS and get on the right ramp arriving at work only 10-15 minutes late.
Everyone does a double take at the new hair color.
At this pharmacy everyone is Blonde.
No one likes my hair color. One of the technicians asked me if someone actually died!
Good thing I was in a positive mood and didn't care what she said, besides my ass looks better than hers *sticks tongue out*
Customers were okay but the store wasn't. We were so behind on everything I spent half my shift apologizing and then rectifying.
I love my Pharmacist on duty a Dirty Blonde divorcée, but boy is she an airhead.
Yikes 7 pgs. in production and the queue!
It was an easy shift overall.
A male tech comes in the pharmacy, we'll call him Joker cos he is.
He makes me laugh and blush the entire shift.
He makes everyone laugh, my favorite is when he takes shots at the customers and they laugh oblivious to being the butt of the joke.
At some point he looks at me and says I love to make pretty girls laugh, I say "Oh really? Well you know what I say if you can't make me laugh, you probably won't make me wet either!"
The joker roars in laughter and bows before me in awe.
Work was nice although busy, but I stayed positive through it and that is what counts.

When I get out of work I drive home (not lost) and it's fine.
I drink plenty of water and eat a lunchable whilst watching "Idiot Abroad" on Netflix.

In the night I tossed and turned into the wee hours.
I became incredibly congested in my sinuses and found it hard to catch my breath too.
This morning I wake up on my own accord and am only slightly tired? Still congested but I have pills for that.
Restless in bed I get up and work out.
I'm on the Elliptical for an hour, I do weights and a little Yoga even too.
I shower and am ready for work. Bed is made, house clean, took vitamins, had a granola bar for breakfast, I even have time to Blog...
I feel positive again. I am a little nervous too, thinking about Macy Gray's ugly cousin ruining my disposition by making my job harder.
I guess this is the challenge, to rise above it.
So I'll try.
My daughter has Pink Eye. Yesterday morning her school calls me as I'm in the shower, my ex gets her and needs the Insurance card, I'm literally lathered up from head to toe in soap, one leg shaved even. I pop out the shower and comically go outside to hand him the card. he has the nerve to be annoyed for being kept waiting! Thank the Western World for Divorce.
He's taken her to the clinic and she has some antibiotic eye drops to fill.
I'm at the chaotic store today so he will actually stop by with her to fill them there. I get to see my daughter and so do my coworkers.
I like when she visits me at work, I want her to be proud of her momma.
See that I work hard to make our little life possible.
The mere fact of seeing her even if for a few minutes makes the workday more bearable.
It's a long 8hr shift but I feel okay, I hope the rest of the day continues this way.
I'm happy to be here, to have this opportunity to share my joys and good days with you all.
Not all days are bad, it's just our take on it.

Okay that's it, let's get this workday started.
Stay positive.
I'll talk to you all real soon.

Yoga Bear

It's Sunday and that means I haven't had a drink in a (1) week.
I'm impressed and also suffering.
I never knew how much I depended on Alcohol for everything.
To Sleep, to quiet my Eating Disorder, to numb Body Aches, to Socialize, to even pass boredom.
This past week has been surreal. It's been my toughest test this year.
Deep down I'm excited at the possibility of never touching the sauce again and how far I can go, but then again it's also a great deal of added pressure I'm allowing myself.
I just have to keep going forward everyday, one day at a time and see how far I can push myself if I really want something.
I've been reading a lot which is keep busy tactic #1..
Re-reading "Eat, Pray, Love" is great. The sheer positivity and soul searching call out to me on so many levels. The reinvention of oneself after love has devastated and changed you.
I find myself lately in a calm sea after the storm. My little dingy battered but still afloat.
I find myself letting go of grudges and forgiving. Everyone needs to be forgiven in this life.
Sometimes the mere act of forgiving even the most awful of mistakes can not only cleanse your soul but help someone else try to forgive themselves and start again. You essentially release them from the loop of reliving the mistake over and over again.
Forgiveness of those that hurt you and above all forgiveness for yourself.

Ever since that fight last Saturday I've been reliving the thing over and over. Wishing I could change what couldn't.
I could stay stuck on that Saturday forever defragmenting it until Eternity and still get nowhere.
I even allowed myself to take 100% of the blame, going so far as to say well I messed with the bull so I got the horns..
Blaming myself for things is something  not entirely foreign.
After my rape a few years ago, I blamed myself for it entirely, citing if I wasn't so depressed and drunk I wouldn't have been put in that situation.
And so my Rape shamed me, I didn't feel like a victim, I didn't feel as though I even had the right to make a big fuss about it. So for a long time it was just one more horrible thing that I allowed to happen to me in my life.
It's not until almost three years ago after seeing a therapist, did she help me understand that the Rape was not my fault. I was a victim, I was taken advantage of, I did say No at some point. She helped me through that part in my life, that guilt I let eat at me for  along time. She helped me forgive myself.

There's nothing I can do to change what happened Saturday. It will always be engraved in my head as to how far a fight can get and what can happen when everyone loses their tempers.
My boyfriend has apologized to me about the overreaction, putting his hands on me, about it all.
He's even said sorry to the kids.
He's looked within himself to realize the blame was also his to share.
He's going to work on himself, he needs to, just as I need to.
I need to avoid a situation like that again.
If it means never drinking again, then I'll try my hardest.
As for him, only he knows what is required and asked of himself.
I can't make the changes for him, only he can.
All I grant him to help, is my forgiveness.
I hope these little words can help steer him into the path of rediscovery.
We all need to look within one selves and ask, "What's really important?"
I love him enough to forgive him and trust that he's truly apologetic and remorseful.
The rest is on him.

As for me, I want to stop letting myself get so bent out of shape over every little thing, so instead I will tackle all the little things that are bending my shape.
I can't do it all in one day but I believe I can remove most of my obstacles little by little.
My goal is to just utterly accept what can't be changed instead of screaming and protesting till it does, which almost never works.
There are some things that will just work themselves out and then there are other things that need you to get the ball rolling.

Keep busy tactic #2 exercise is coming along nicely.
I've been working out today again.
Even started my first Yoga practice.
Yoga was all made extra comfy today due to my sweet Sarah who got me my very first cute Yoga mat.
Thank you doll, I love it.

My hip hurts really bad lately. I think my body is showing all those wear and tear signs we all know too well.
After an hour on the Elliptical and a few stretches and weights, I went ahead and got my feet wet with Yoga.
Yoga is difficult for me because all my joints hurt.
I also never knew just how bad my smoking was until I was required to take deep breaths.
Deep breathing is something I never practiced and so today it was difficult, leaving my throat sore by the end of it all.
I need to stop smoking too now I guess.
As I write this I want to light up.
Of all the newly learned Yoga poses, Tree Pose is my favorite.
I guess I'll just have to continue to work on it until I can comfortably do all the poses much the same.
I need to look into a good bone supplement soon. I suspect the beginning stages of Osteopenia.

Other keep busy tactics are in order but for today just these will do.
I'm very tired now and think I'll turn in.
Have a long 7 hour shift at the Pharmacy followed by an even longer one on Tuesday.
For me a job is just a way to get the money I need to survive, nothing more and nothing less. Basically it’s like taking out the garbage: it’s nothing you really enjoy, but you have to do it or else your life will stink.


I'll write more soon, this is all for now. My eyes are too heavy to go on.

Goodnight lovelies and thank you once again for supporting me.

Thursday

In short: love is dangerous. So love dangerously..

Tuesday at the chaotic store was very long. I remember I kept looking at the clock a lot and noticing how half of an hour, took about an hour.
I wanted to go home.
I felt physically exhausted and mentally drained.
I hardly spoke although some of the sweeter coworkers tried to make me. I once again only spoke when necessary.
Macy Gray's ugly cousin was there and God is she annoying. She and I continued our awkward skirting around each other. It's so apparent she doesn't like me. Of course I don't care.
I don't like her either.
She kept pissing me off most of the shift because she was always in Production and refused to help with customers. I almost wanted to tell the scheduler "Listen, count me out for next Tuesday."
I'm getting a little fed up being the pack donkey.
Time was too slow for my taste.
My body hurt and I needed sleep.
The shift finally ends and I leave quicker than a wet fart escapes after a plate of Indian Curry.
I'm in the car and cold, so cold.
I feel cold all the time.
I drive home and check my mailbox.
There's a package and it's something I did not want to see.
A Valentine's present for my ex boyfriend.
This makes me so sad beyond reproach.
A horrible triggering reminder of happy times and plans. Just writing this is making my eyes well.

The house is quiet, I don't mind the quiet anymore.
I have been looking frightful lately. My hair is dry and my eyes sallow. Finally deciding after coming home from work last night that I would go back to the Store and buy hair dye. I need to do something other than be sad and cry. I need to molt.

I was torn between a burgundy shade of a red, or maybe just dye it all black like my mood.
I called my sister for advice and she suggested an in-between.
So espresso Brown I chose.
I dyed my hair in the now wee hours of that remaining Tuesday.
It came out really nice. It's a huge adjustment but a welcomed one.


Everyone tells me to keep busy, if I'm busy I won't be sad.
That's easier said than done.
Keeping busy is hard because everywhere I go is a reminder.

How many thousand times, in walking through the streets, have I wondered if the day would ever come again when he would be at my side: all those yearning looks I bestowed on the buildings and statues, I had looked at them so hungrily, so desperately, that by now my thoughts must have become a part of the very buildings and statues, they must be saturated with my anguish.

Being alone is painful. You have to finally deal with yourself. There is no romantic partner to cushion the blows, there is only YOU.
I've never been in a relationship with myself before. I've always had some romantic attachment to another person.
There hasn't been a proper decompression time for me. It's been one relationship after the next.
I've always given myself entirely to another human being. Putting their happiness above my own even.
What little I did have to spare went all to self loathing because I've become this little hateful person who can't stand her own company for long, not sober anyways. That obviously has to change.
You have to change. You can't make anyone happy if there's not at least something about yourself to be proud and happy over. Happiness radiates.
I think that I will go through a big change when I can withdraw from people and be myself again. I can’t explain why or how, but I feel as if I’ve lost something among people that I could see, understand, and feel when I was alone. The more I live among city people, the more I realize the tremendously important role that the peace and the stillness of nature play in our development. Something is lost when you live too much among other people, the way you do in a city. The ideas and thoughts of others penetrate you, and you get so caught up in them that you are no longer able to feel or understand what is taking place in your own life.

So for now I'm working on all that me stuff I've been stuffing in my overflowing closet.
And that's another thing...the must needed purging of Skinny clothes that I know deep down I can never fit again. I need to let them go. I'm not that sick person anymore. Do I really need all those shrines to a life I can't have anymore hanging around making me more miserable than ever...umm NO.
Its a huge tasks that awaits me but I have plenty of free time on my hands now. So that's it girl, get rid of it.
Underlying theme forming here, getting rid of all that negativity that's holding me hostage. Making more room for good things and blessings to enter my life, and they will of course. I have to believe it and constantly say it out loud. Putting those desires and dreams I want out there in the cosmic universe will only help them come to fruition faster.


So now here I am 3 days no drinking and today Day 4 Wednesday, is so fucking hard. I really, really want a bloody stiff drink right now.
Its making me anxious the more I think about it.
Have to fight it, I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it...


I'm trying to keep busy, tactic #1 READ.
I've Started to re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I can relate to so many things in her book, especially now.
Especially the need to find oneself, to find God, peace, forgiveness...its a beautiful book I could read over and over again (and probably will).
I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now.
Trying to find out what makes me happy and stop focusing and all that constant shit I bitch about that makes me miserable.


Keeping busy tactic #2 EXERCISE.
I've exercised today on Elliptical and did a few leg stretches too.
The fact that I currently am reveling in the sheer quiet of my surrounding has given me a chance to think about many things.
One of them is the idea of trying Yoga, since focus and silence are welcomed, this may be something  can do.
I hope I can anyways, or will look like a fool trying.


Keep busy tactic #3 WRITE.
Blogging helps, novel wise not yet but I feel that familiar stirring so maybe soon I'll pick up where I left off.


Keep busy tactic #4 CLEAN HOUSE.
Yes in much need of a serious exorcism via clothing Donations.


Keep busy tactic #5  SHOP.
Yes soon I'll be helping out the dire economy by supporting local businesses with some hard earned loot and plenty of more crap to accompany my hoarding piles.

So far that's all I got. If I'm done with that quickly then I may just have to join a cult just to have something to do.

My daughter has a fever today, complains of headaches too.
Think she may have to miss school tomorrow and that means I miss work too. Hopefully the medicine I've given her can help her feel better.
I'm going to bed now.
It's been a long day.



“Come the Dawn”

 



After a while you learn the subtle differences
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build your own roads
On today because tomorrow’s ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn
With every good-bye you learn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reset

A change is in order

Tuesday

I had a bad dream last night.
When I woke up this morning and remembered all that's been happening lately, I wish I could return back to the dream world. At least there I wasn't thinking about my exboyfriend.
The morning cry is always the hardest because there is nothing I want to be awake for.
I need to get a money order and pay my rent so I do.
The cats have no food or litter so I have to run some errands too.
The drive back home has me in tears again.
The sidewalk in front of my building still has writing all over from Saturday night when the kids were playing with sidewalk chalk, it even has scribbles of I love you from my exboyfriend and I.
I can't stand the sight of it. I'm surprised it's still there I thought my building manager would've washed it away by now.
Tonight after work I'll wash it away.
I can't bear any reminders of a happiness I don't have anymore.
I don't care how tired I am from work, I will be on my hands and knees scraping it away, all night if I have to.
God, how did this all go to shit?

I hate being in my apartment. I hate this place now.
I almost want to paint all the walls black, maybe I will.
The cats have fresh food and litter and I managed to take the garbage out and do some dishes.
My rent is paid and I avoided buying laxatives today.
Tomorrow my day off is another story.
Tomorrow is binge day. Tomorrow is b/p all day and binge on boxes of laxatives.
I haven't been eating at all or even drinking water or anything. I'm surprised tears are still readily available despite my non existent water intake.

I work today at the chaotic store. I don't have any expectations. People can treat me like dirt today, I just don't care anymore.

I haven't bothered washing my hair in days, its so dry and brittle, it falls out faster now than ever.
My face is swollen, I look frightful.

I had someone tell me yesterday to cheer up, that one day I would meet someone else again.
At work yesterday I had a few male customers, all very attractive and seemingly normal looking (although you can never tell) and in between generic glances I would give them I would idly wonder to myself, how can anyone love me?
How can anyone love this?
How could I ever possibly love anyone back with this broken heart. I can't even love myself. I hate myself.
Will anyone ever look at me and think 'Wow her..yes she's the one.' I think not.
Frankly it all seems like a lot of work. I'm tired of working. I do cause I need to support myself, do I really want to do more of it.

I haven't had a drink in two days so that's something I guess.

I don't too much care for talking. I want the quiet. I want silence. I feel like I have nothing whatsoever to say anymore to anyone.

I wish I could move away.
My older sister may be moving to Fort Myers and has asked me to go with her, my other sister insists I move to Orlando.
Maybe I should go to New Zealand and visit all the Kiwi's with Peridot, or go to Canada with my sweet Elisa for a few days.
My Panda lives in London and has a new flat with a spare room I could take.

Everything feels like an awful reminder of that night. I'm so tired of crying.
I'm tired of being sad.

I'm tired.

“This Dead Relationship”
 



I carry a dead relationship around everywhere with me.
It’s my hobby.
How lucky to have a job that’s also my hobby,
To do it all the time. A few people notice, and ask if they can help carry this thing.
But, like an alcoholic scared they will hear the clink of glass in
the bag,
I refuse—scared they’ll smell rottenness,
Scared of something under their touch
That will cave in, a skin over brown foam on a bad apple.
I cram this thing over the threshold
Into the cold and speechless house,
Lean against the front door for a moment to breathe in the dark,
Then start the slow haul to the kitchen.
Steel knives catch the moonlight on white tiles. This dead relationship. Or not yet dead. Or dead and half-eaten,
One eye and one flank open, like a sheep under a hedge. Or dead but still farting like the bodies in the trenches,
Exploding with their own gas. Hair and nails still growing. It has the pins and needles of returning feeling in a deadness.
It is a reptile in my hand, quick and small and cool;
The flip of life in a dry, cold bag of loose skin.
A pressure without warmth of small claws and horn moving on
my palm. At night it slips slow but purposeful across the floor towards the bed.
Next thing it’s looking out of my eyes in the morning—
And in the mirror, though my eyes are not my own,
My mouth shows surprise that I am still there at all.
Oh, a sickness that can make you so ill,
Yet doesn’t have the decency to kill you.
A mad free-fall that never hits the ground,
Never knows even the relief of sudden shock;
Just endless medium-rare shock, half-firm, half-bloody all the time.
A long, slow learning curve.
The overheating that can strip an engine badly,
Strain it far worse than a racing rally.
The fear that you will slow to a stop
Then start a soft, thick, slow-gathering roll backwards.
I want something that is familiar but not.
To feel in someone else’s pocket for a key
While they lean away, laughing, their arms up,
Hands in the air covered in grease or dough or paint or clay.
I have to carry it around.
A weeping mother brings a baby to hospital,
Late-night emergency.
The tired doctor smooths the hand-made lace back from its face.
He sees it was stillborn weeks ago, has been dead for weeks.
He looks at her, there is no air in the room …
This dead relationship. This dead and sinking ship.
Bulbs lie, unplanted, on a plate of dust.
Dry and puckered pouches, only slightly mouldy;
Embalmed little stomachs but with hairy, twisted fingers,
Waiting for something to happen without needing to know what it is.
When it happens everything else in the universe can start.
This dead relationship.
I am this thing’s twin.
One of us is dead
And we don’t know which, we are so close.





                                                                 Spatula Bruise!

work

Work was hard today.
The drive there was long and I got lost even with GPS.
My hands and insides shake terribly, I'm so cold.
It's raining now and I try to think of something else.

I went for a walk last night, no direction in mind, I just had to get out the house.
People would stare at my face as I look horrible from the swelling in my eyes.
I ended up inside Walgreens and immediately started crying again as its a Valentines explosion in there. I wander aimlessly through the aisles for five full minutes before the store's intercom starts to play some romantic song. I couldn't bear another second more and almost ran out of the store into the rain.
When I got home I took more Xanax and laid in the darkness with both cats until the drowsiness put me down for the night.


When I finally arrive at work I'm a little bit early despite the unexpected detour.
I took a deep breath and opened the Pharmacy door.
I was bombarded with a giant bear hug from my Pharmacist who yells "Yea my D.J is here!"
I always play trance music for us to pass the day.
I was prepared for this, I can't hear music right now. So I brought along my small tablet with a playlist that I would play for her, I set the tablet on her workstation far from me so she could enjoy the music since I can't bear any songs of any kind right now.
I was introduced to someone I've never worked with before and I had no immediate reservations about her. She's okay I guess. She bought me coffee which I didn't ask for. I sipped it a few times then threw it away. Nothing has a taste anymore. I don't care if I ever eat again to be honest.

I was early so my Pharmacist suggested I check online at the store's website for any modules due (I have 3)
She starts to question me as I log on and sigh internally at the tests. My brain isn't working today I will fail these modules several times. I actually read the first 2 paragraphs 6 times before finally giving up because I just couldn't concentrate.
My pharmacist wanted to know what I've been up to and how's Dragon, she nearly peed her pants from laughter as I told her all about the crazy store and Dragon heading it up.
I smiled out of courtesy but took no joy in any jokes being told today.

When I finally do punch in, and am in production there's a tech I know who is just coming back from break.
She gets so excited seeing me you would've thought I was a relative visiting from out of town.
She hugs me hard and that's the hug that almost broke this camels back. I awkwardly return the hug keeping one hand in my pocket with the spatula I was counting pills with a second ago. As she hugs me and that awful on the verge of crying feeling is about to happen I stab my thigh as hard as I could with the blunt object. I wanted the emotional pain to go away and rather focus on the immediate physical pain which right now I frankly welcome. I wasn't going to cry in front of these people. I refused to.

The rest of my workday was not hectic, but I was joyless. I looked no one in the eye and only spoke when spoken to.
I made a lot of mistakes, dropping things and talking so low customers were getting irritated. I was slow and took my time doing everything. Today I didn't make any spectacular effort. Today I was blah.

My Pharmacist will give me work again the following Monday and any other day during the week that opens up.

The day goes by fast and for once today the boring task of counting pills distracted me.

When 9pm came around and it's time for me to go home the coldness hits me hard again.
The drive home was very quiet and that impending sadness was returning again.
The minute I opened my front door like clockwork the tears started up again.

My house is a mess and reeks of garbage and cat piss but I don't care for once. It can stay like this forever, frankly I don't care anymore.


Part of me wants to drink but not really. It's just something to do to pass the time.
I won't.

I've spoken to my daughter who told me all about her report card, only one F and that's in Math.
She misses me and asks if I was okay.
I tell her sure I was fine and said goodnight.

I dunno what I'm going to do now. Guess I'll pop another Xanax and go to bed.
Tomorrow is another long day.


"When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn’t want it, you cannot take it back. It’s gone forever." –Sylvia Plath

Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It can go on forever.

I promised my daughter after a very long talk yesterday that I would stop drinking.
My daughter can tell when mommy is drunk and when mommy has had too much to drink and should've stopped a long time ago.
I'm becoming my mother and she's me at 9.
Its a vicious cycle I'm starting up.


When I drink, and keep drinking that's where the trouble starts.
I become an unbearable, insufferable person.
My innards are poisonous and so I strike out to whoever is near.
I do damage, a lot.
My last drink was Saturday, and I really did some damage there.
I've hurt the ones I love around me with my mouth and my fists.
You can only get away with the same mistakes for sometime before someone grander and braver says NO! that is enough, this is the last time. I don't want and have to put up with you and your drinking anymore.

My boyfriend and I broke up. For good this time.


I've lost him with my unspeakable disgusting outbursts while drunk. I've insulted and degraded him in front of the kids. Raised my voice, taunted and even shoved him first. I started the fight of all fights. The fight that was all about pushing boundaries to the breaking point.
He's not my punching bag, he supposed to be my partner. I treated him like dirt and have possibly traumatized both kids in the process. God I shouldn't even be allowed around children.
I have a real problem with limits. I think this was God's way of intervening and drastically changing my life because I just wasn't.


As much as I wish I could change what happened Saturday I cannot.
I will just have to learn from my mistake that cost me my relationship.
I love him irrevocably but that doesn't mean anything if my behavior doesn't change.

This is my rock bottom.
I need to stop drinking altogether, its not helping me do anything except kill myself faster.

Last night my neighbor gave me some Xanax because I'm just a mess. I can't stop crying and my eyes are too swollen. I have to work today and can't look like this.
The Xanax made me sleep through the night.
I threw away any alcoholic bottles I had opened in the house down the drain.

I haven't eaten a single thing. I'm not hungry, I don't deserve food right now.

 I'm sad, so sad My dear God the tears don't stop.
I can't watch anything or listen to any music.
Everything reminds me of my boyfriend.
I feel like someone has died.
I don't want to know this pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

My daughter has called me three times yesterday concerned.
She knows Mommy isn't okay.

I don't know how I'm going to get through work today without crying.
I'm trying to stop it because my eyes are starting to swell again.
My stomach feels so empty, not like hunger pangs but something else. Like a hollow feeling.
My chest hurts from constricting Anxiety.
Please, please God help me through this. I'm so scared.

I have started taking down things that remind me of him in the house and putting them all away in bags. He has clothes here but I won't ask him if he wants me to drop them off he'll probably tell me to just throw them out. So I will. I won't bother him anymore, I'll let him move on with his life and I want the same in return.


I'm going to try to be strong. Try.

 STRONG: adjective \ˈstrȯŋ\
: having great physical power and ability
: having a lot of strength
: not easy to break or damage

: not sick or injured

 

Such a powerful little word.

Holds so much promise doesn't it.

I want to be all those things. I don't want to fall apart and give up on the remainder of my life.

I can survive this, I've been through worse.

 

This is just the rough part, the wish I was dead feeling.

I'm not dead though so that means God has bigger plans for me.

 

I'm sorry to my now ex boyfriend for Saturday, I was 50% to blame.

I'm not sorry for the good times in our relationship.

I'm sorry it had to end but I'm proud of you for being the one to say No Lou, that's it I've had enough.

Thank you for that.

I wish you and yours the very best.

You will always be in my heart. I love you so much, now if I could only learn to love myself.