Saturday, December 10, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Nutcracker
Tonight was my daughter's Holiday Winter Show at her Charter School, this year's show was The Nutcracker.
It was a great show.
I managed to go three whole days Bulimia free, but today did not carry over.
After coming home from the show I b/p on chicken and rice. I fall asleep from exhaustion right afterwards.
This morning its a chilly 50 degrees here.
I'm tired and my body aches all over.
I go weigh and I'm at 109.4 and I'm spotting, my period is coming on.
I'm not happy, gaining anything does not sit well with me.
I've started skipping meds again, even my vitamins.
My bowels are shot, but thanks to the miracles of enema I'm able to ease the bloated feeling.
I feel depressed, I keep worrying about where I'm going to get income from.
January is right there.
My sister offered to live with me for a week after my husband moves out. I can't wait, I'm not used to being alone officially. Maybe she can make the transition easier for my daughter too. A welcomed distraction. I know if I survive January, it will be hard not to have a breakdown.
I keep thinking about how all of this will effect my daughter?
Just like the ED keeps me from any kinda recovery, the cycle of being in an abusive relationship does the same thing. It keeps me second guessing myself and wondering if I should just stop wishing for more or a better life, maybe I don't deserve that. Maybe I should just get off my high horse.
After dressing my daughter for school my husband wakes up and decides to take her instead of me.
I crawl back into bed and start to doze off.
My husband returns and gets in my bed.
I sleep clutching a pillow. I've slept this way after I lived alone for the first time when my husband and I split up when my daughter was two.
It was the first time in more than a decade that I didn't have someone in my bed.
I remember sleeping alone those first few months, they were awful, I cried myself to sleep every night. The pillow came in handy, something warm to hug and snuggle against, something that didn't make me feel so alone. To this day I need two pillows to sleep with and I think I always will.
When my husband got in my bed, I placed the pillow between us as a barrier, I already saw where this was leading and felt uncomfortable. He proceeds to make the situation worse.
"C'mon just let me cuddle with you it's cold outside." he insists while tugging at my pillow.
No.
Why do you make it worse for yourself?
I don't like that, leave me alone!
He doesn't listen and it blows up into a huge fight. I remind him that I don't love him and wanna live alone,
he calls me a selfish bitch and tells me to go fuck myself.
He goes shower and dresses for work then decides to go back to sleep in his own bed.
I fall back asleep and wake up after noon. He wakes up too and keeps getting ready. I dress to get my daughter and figure he would be in a better mood.
I ask him if he wants to take the leftovers from dinner to work as he mentioned doing so last night.
He tells me to throw the food away and acts like an asshole again.
He leaves.
I drive to my daughters school to go pick her up and he's already there. His car is parked in the adjacent building's almost vacant parking lot. I park my car next to his and roll down my window. He leans into my door.
"Why can't we work it out."
I tell him its because I no longer am in love with him.
I just wanna work and start over with my life.
He begins to tell me I'm throwing away years of history, I told him he did that already when he decided to have an affair.
I told him the reality is we are strangers. I don't know him anymore and I'm not the same girl as before. Too many things have happened that have hardened my heart. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't trust anyone.
He says we have tons of things in common. He begins to list things that aren't even nouns. Listening to him talk infuriates me. Why doesn't he just get it?
We don't have anything in common, not a single thing other than we share a child together. After 10 minutues of a wasted effort on his part he leaves after my daughter is seated and buckled in my back seat.
I drive back home where I immediately get to binging and purging.
I feel like shit.
I'm scared to not find a job soon.
I may have to do degrading things for money.
I may start drinking more even just to forget them and myself.
Sometimes I think God has abandoned me.
I think maybe I'm just a bad person and that's why my life is so awful.
I must be, I've never been this miserable before.
I don't wanna live anymore. I wish I didn't have a reason to.
I wanna give up thinking that I will ever meet someone again, maybe I shouldn't
Love and all that gets you in trouble. It always ends bad, I'll just get hurt again.
How can I even possibly love anything again with this broken heart of mines.
All I wanna do is just dry up to nothing.
Weigh nothing.
I want my outsides to match my inside.
I'm just tired of fighting, so so tired..
It was a great show.
I managed to go three whole days Bulimia free, but today did not carry over.
After coming home from the show I b/p on chicken and rice. I fall asleep from exhaustion right afterwards.
This morning its a chilly 50 degrees here.
I'm tired and my body aches all over.
I go weigh and I'm at 109.4 and I'm spotting, my period is coming on.
I'm not happy, gaining anything does not sit well with me.
I've started skipping meds again, even my vitamins.
My bowels are shot, but thanks to the miracles of enema I'm able to ease the bloated feeling.
I feel depressed, I keep worrying about where I'm going to get income from.
January is right there.
My sister offered to live with me for a week after my husband moves out. I can't wait, I'm not used to being alone officially. Maybe she can make the transition easier for my daughter too. A welcomed distraction. I know if I survive January, it will be hard not to have a breakdown.
I keep thinking about how all of this will effect my daughter?
Just like the ED keeps me from any kinda recovery, the cycle of being in an abusive relationship does the same thing. It keeps me second guessing myself and wondering if I should just stop wishing for more or a better life, maybe I don't deserve that. Maybe I should just get off my high horse.
After dressing my daughter for school my husband wakes up and decides to take her instead of me.
I crawl back into bed and start to doze off.
My husband returns and gets in my bed.
I sleep clutching a pillow. I've slept this way after I lived alone for the first time when my husband and I split up when my daughter was two.
It was the first time in more than a decade that I didn't have someone in my bed.
I remember sleeping alone those first few months, they were awful, I cried myself to sleep every night. The pillow came in handy, something warm to hug and snuggle against, something that didn't make me feel so alone. To this day I need two pillows to sleep with and I think I always will.
When my husband got in my bed, I placed the pillow between us as a barrier, I already saw where this was leading and felt uncomfortable. He proceeds to make the situation worse.
"C'mon just let me cuddle with you it's cold outside." he insists while tugging at my pillow.
No.
Why do you make it worse for yourself?
I don't like that, leave me alone!
He doesn't listen and it blows up into a huge fight. I remind him that I don't love him and wanna live alone,
he calls me a selfish bitch and tells me to go fuck myself.
He goes shower and dresses for work then decides to go back to sleep in his own bed.
I fall back asleep and wake up after noon. He wakes up too and keeps getting ready. I dress to get my daughter and figure he would be in a better mood.
I ask him if he wants to take the leftovers from dinner to work as he mentioned doing so last night.
He tells me to throw the food away and acts like an asshole again.
He leaves.
I drive to my daughters school to go pick her up and he's already there. His car is parked in the adjacent building's almost vacant parking lot. I park my car next to his and roll down my window. He leans into my door.
"Why can't we work it out."
I tell him its because I no longer am in love with him.
I just wanna work and start over with my life.
He begins to tell me I'm throwing away years of history, I told him he did that already when he decided to have an affair.
I told him the reality is we are strangers. I don't know him anymore and I'm not the same girl as before. Too many things have happened that have hardened my heart. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't trust anyone.
He says we have tons of things in common. He begins to list things that aren't even nouns. Listening to him talk infuriates me. Why doesn't he just get it?
We don't have anything in common, not a single thing other than we share a child together. After 10 minutues of a wasted effort on his part he leaves after my daughter is seated and buckled in my back seat.
I drive back home where I immediately get to binging and purging.
I feel like shit.
I'm scared to not find a job soon.
I may have to do degrading things for money.
I may start drinking more even just to forget them and myself.
Sometimes I think God has abandoned me.
I think maybe I'm just a bad person and that's why my life is so awful.
I must be, I've never been this miserable before.
I don't wanna live anymore. I wish I didn't have a reason to.
I wanna give up thinking that I will ever meet someone again, maybe I shouldn't
Love and all that gets you in trouble. It always ends bad, I'll just get hurt again.
How can I even possibly love anything again with this broken heart of mines.
All I wanna do is just dry up to nothing.
Weigh nothing.
I want my outsides to match my inside.
I'm just tired of fighting, so so tired..
Monday, December 5, 2011
I'm taking care of my procrastination issues today. Just you wait and see.
Monday, so we meet again.
Today is one of those days where I feel like Garfield the cat dreading the beginning of the long boring week.
I've taken my meds today, trying to kick this depression bout. It's not easy to slow the beast down but I have to be able to function. Depression is awful and it brings out the worst in me. I start to feel sorry for myself and the wallowing helps nothing. I have to pull it together, there is no other way. December is the month that I have to pull a rabbit outta my hat, have to get my act together. The clock is ticking and I will be on my own soon.
The dreaded weigh in, ugh not looking forward to stepping on the scale but I have to. I didn't b/p yesterday after my tumultuous day at Walmart. I did workout though. I have no idea where I get the energy to do so but I managed. So I expect the scale to read 110lbs still, I expect a plateau.
I undress step on the scale and wait for the little red numbers to flash and dictate how my day will go.
Holy shit 108.8!
What the deuce??
One day of actual fasting and working out like a mule actually knocked me back down to this weight?
Praise Jebus!!
I didn't realize that I was smiling until my Husband walked in on me.
"What are you doing?" he eyes me up and down, scrutinizing look on his hungover face.
Last night I went to bed early, and left my yahoo messenger open. Happy Tuesday woke me up. The night before he and I had an amazing conversation, so amazing I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We go down memory lane a lot and start rehashing how great it is to be around each other in person. Then it gets a little bit naughty and boom instant gratification for us both.
No repeat Sunday night though, instead I chat with him while my husband watched The Food Network pre-recorded shows on the DVR talking his whiskey clouded head off to me. I paid attention best I could but listening to him was giving me an actual headache. His whiskey slurred convo really stunk. When he's saturated with that liquor smell he reminds me of my mother sitting in the living room in the dark talking and cussing at me, telling me things like I wish I could give you up for adoption, or you don't love anyone do you??
At 12years old this is the last thing I want to hear, what the hell did I do other than breathe to merit such put downs??
After a nice non sexual chat with Happy Tuesday my husband started giving me dirty hateful looks, this was the sign to cut the conversation short otherwise I'd be in Fight Country pretty soon. Sometimes I think my husband is a drink away from going upside my head. I won't test that theory.
Happy Tuesday had his own troubles, the Ewok just woke up and was pissed. She's jealous of our friendship and me in general. So we stopped chatting at 2am much to both our disappointment.
Hubby and I went to bed twenty minutes later.
I'm just weighing myself I tell him.
"How much you weigh today?" when he looks at me I wonder just what he sees.
I weigh 115lbs ugh so FAT!
My husband rolls his eyes and closes the door. Once I start with the weight talk he bolts. He's tired of telling me otherwise. He's tired of trying to convince me the Fat Girl no longer exists, and the weight gain is all in my head.
I lie to him about my actual weight.
I think I'm going to start lying about how much I really weigh to non-disordered folk. Why you ask?
Well after my last fight with Happy Tuesday and how he threatened to stop being my friend if I lost more weight, what's to say others won't feel like that too. Maybe I can lose all I want and answer to no one.
I'm giving myself all of December to lose as much as I can. Gonna try.
So I shower and dress to start Monday.
My daughter has her school play on Wednesday. Her costume is not all together yet so this means going back to Walmart.
Walmart is a War Zone.
I plan to workout some more and there are leftovers in fridge so won't need to cook. I plan to go for a walk tonight with my daughter and husband. I want some fresh air.
I still have no idea what to do for work but I'm still applying to anything. I hope God can put something in my way soon.
The Boy and I have cooled things a lot. We tether more along the lines of friends now. I like it.
The pressure is off.
It's a little awkward at times but we manage, we're still finding our footing. I won't hurt him, he's a great guy and will make some lucky girl very happy one day, but not this girl.
I'm looking for more.
I'll find it, there's plenty of time for that later on.
Right now my focus is getting my life in order for my daughter. So we can have a second chance. A happier one.
So small she fit in a Christmas stocking. They grow up so fast. Everything I do is for her, all the pain I endure so she won't, all the hustle and bustle, my purpose on this earth is to make sure she is okay.
Today is one of those days where I feel like Garfield the cat dreading the beginning of the long boring week.
I've taken my meds today, trying to kick this depression bout. It's not easy to slow the beast down but I have to be able to function. Depression is awful and it brings out the worst in me. I start to feel sorry for myself and the wallowing helps nothing. I have to pull it together, there is no other way. December is the month that I have to pull a rabbit outta my hat, have to get my act together. The clock is ticking and I will be on my own soon.
The dreaded weigh in, ugh not looking forward to stepping on the scale but I have to. I didn't b/p yesterday after my tumultuous day at Walmart. I did workout though. I have no idea where I get the energy to do so but I managed. So I expect the scale to read 110lbs still, I expect a plateau.
I undress step on the scale and wait for the little red numbers to flash and dictate how my day will go.
 |
| 108.8 |
What the deuce??
One day of actual fasting and working out like a mule actually knocked me back down to this weight?
Praise Jebus!!
I didn't realize that I was smiling until my Husband walked in on me.
"What are you doing?" he eyes me up and down, scrutinizing look on his hungover face.
Last night I went to bed early, and left my yahoo messenger open. Happy Tuesday woke me up. The night before he and I had an amazing conversation, so amazing I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We go down memory lane a lot and start rehashing how great it is to be around each other in person. Then it gets a little bit naughty and boom instant gratification for us both.
No repeat Sunday night though, instead I chat with him while my husband watched The Food Network pre-recorded shows on the DVR talking his whiskey clouded head off to me. I paid attention best I could but listening to him was giving me an actual headache. His whiskey slurred convo really stunk. When he's saturated with that liquor smell he reminds me of my mother sitting in the living room in the dark talking and cussing at me, telling me things like I wish I could give you up for adoption, or you don't love anyone do you??
At 12years old this is the last thing I want to hear, what the hell did I do other than breathe to merit such put downs??
After a nice non sexual chat with Happy Tuesday my husband started giving me dirty hateful looks, this was the sign to cut the conversation short otherwise I'd be in Fight Country pretty soon. Sometimes I think my husband is a drink away from going upside my head. I won't test that theory.
Happy Tuesday had his own troubles, the Ewok just woke up and was pissed. She's jealous of our friendship and me in general. So we stopped chatting at 2am much to both our disappointment.
Hubby and I went to bed twenty minutes later.
I'm just weighing myself I tell him.
"How much you weigh today?" when he looks at me I wonder just what he sees.
I weigh 115lbs ugh so FAT!
My husband rolls his eyes and closes the door. Once I start with the weight talk he bolts. He's tired of telling me otherwise. He's tired of trying to convince me the Fat Girl no longer exists, and the weight gain is all in my head.
I lie to him about my actual weight.
I think I'm going to start lying about how much I really weigh to non-disordered folk. Why you ask?
Well after my last fight with Happy Tuesday and how he threatened to stop being my friend if I lost more weight, what's to say others won't feel like that too. Maybe I can lose all I want and answer to no one.
I'm giving myself all of December to lose as much as I can. Gonna try.
So I shower and dress to start Monday.
My daughter has her school play on Wednesday. Her costume is not all together yet so this means going back to Walmart.
Walmart is a War Zone.
I think it's because they still have Lay-away going on.
It has to be. So many people in the store. I've already popped a Buspar and I'm doing fine. I hate crowds and waiting. My arms and legs are so sore from yesterday's up and down the stairwell. Good thing no repeat today.
The truth is the fact that my weight is back down makes me so hopeful. Maybe I can finally bring this back down to entirely.
Browsing the store and grabbing all I can whilst bumping into carts and rude customers the shopping is done. I even manage to get the shake and hair dye today.
I found me a nice dress for the event at school too. I'm hoping it won't be too cold out seeing as it's a short dress I will be wearing.
I want to look my best for my daughter.
The irony of it all is that around this time last year I was 109lbs.
I can't believe I've been yo-yoing all this time. The bulimia is ruining me.
I was once 102lbs and before I had my daughter 95lbs. I can do this again.
I will lose this weight again.
She and I made a Gingerbread House the other day, I posted pic on FB but not Blogger, I've plum forgot, nevertheless here are both sweet goodies.
I plan to workout some more and there are leftovers in fridge so won't need to cook. I plan to go for a walk tonight with my daughter and husband. I want some fresh air.
I still have no idea what to do for work but I'm still applying to anything. I hope God can put something in my way soon.
The Boy and I have cooled things a lot. We tether more along the lines of friends now. I like it.
The pressure is off.
It's a little awkward at times but we manage, we're still finding our footing. I won't hurt him, he's a great guy and will make some lucky girl very happy one day, but not this girl.
I'm looking for more.
I'll find it, there's plenty of time for that later on.
Right now my focus is getting my life in order for my daughter. So we can have a second chance. A happier one.
 |
| Lil Miss B. (1month old) |
So small she fit in a Christmas stocking. They grow up so fast. Everything I do is for her, all the pain I endure so she won't, all the hustle and bustle, my purpose on this earth is to make sure she is okay.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
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