Hustle and Bustle

My laptop has crashed.
My bills are piling up and I'm starting to think about colorful solutions for fast money.

Oh boy.
I have a headache.

On the plus side I don't feel like b/p at all today.
I have bigger fish to fry now and this ED gonna have to sit in the backseat for a minute till I can figure this all out.

Well, we all have to do things we don't want to at some point or another in our lives *shrugs*

I'm off to school now, hope you all have a wonderful day.

Little Miss Fickle

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much this week, the truth is I'm in a bad mood and it's not getting better.
I'm stuck in the b/p cycle and I'm unable to find a way out of it.
Yes I've slowed the number of times to 1-2 tops but I'm still abusing laxatives and drinking every night.
I don't remember how I made 40+ days Bulimia free..
It's frustrating, I'm frustrated.

I've finally finished my Husband's apartment, it's suitable for my daughter to  visit and sleepover. I did the best I could with what I had, it wasn't always easy because although I was supposed to have complete creative control, my dumb ex accompanied me everywhere and had an opinion about everything instead of just letting me do what I do best.
He was supposed to break me off money for doing him this service but alas everyone he's managed to fuck me over once again.
I don't know why I even bother, to be honest I did this for my daughter not him, so although I feel manipulated, I managed to at least make the transition of sleeping over and the separation process be easier for my daughter..I hope anyways.

I saw my older brother this week, he gave me furniture and a belated birthday present, a nice bottle of Rum.
He wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday but he had to work all weekend long and thus plans fell through.
I was surprised actually and there's a small selfish part of me that is relived, eating out doesn't sound fun to me. I can just imagine the anxiety I would have from sitting there with food in me. My oldest brother doesn't really acknowledge my ED, it's the pink Elephant in the room that we just don't talk about.


I'm not taking my meds again, or any supplements for that matter either.
There's no point really, any pills I take will get flushed out from all the laxatives or purged out.

I want to fast for awhile, if I could successfully do that then I may have a chance at stopping the b/p, but fasting like any other thing right now seems down right impossible.
I feel really stressed out and the more I am, the more the ED behaviors get outta hand.
I'm stuck in a loop.
How does one stop cold turkey?
You can't.
It takes a process and several tries.
I won't give up on myself just yet, I'm trying.
The days feel like they all run together when I b/p and so I've been completely distracted, I start to slack off on important things and set aside my mini goals.

I hate this.

On the plus side I've managed to not lose weight and I'm maintaining right now.
I'm eating a bit more these days, that can either be good or bad.
I sometimes feel like it's okay, then there are days like today where I can't stand it and the Body Dysmorphic disorder is at it's worst.

I wish I could just be okay with it all but I'm not.

Guess I'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes.
Night all.

Happy Birthday to me

Saturday

Friday

The Grey

I didn't get much sleep last night, I haven't been getting much rest since moving here.
Living alone is taking some getting used to.
I get incredibly paranoid at night, Insomnia does that to you.
I hear all sorts of noises in my apartment, I feel scared here and very alone.
After hours of being frightened, alone and paranoid, the sadness kicks in and I manage to cry myself to sleep.

I feel very lost, I don't know what my purpose is?

I was just talking to my sister on the phone and we made each other cry.
She started talking about my uncle and how lonely it is now without him around.
He was the only person who would without fail, called everyday to ask me how I was.
I miss my uncle..

I started to tell my sister how I feel today and I made her cry.
She's worried about my depression.
I tell her that I drink every night now, drinking helps me sleep and truth be told sometimes I just want to get drunk so fast and feel nothing quickly. I want to just stumble my way into bed and pass out.

For those who don't know what Depression is..to truly be Depressed, not the
"Oh I feel sad today" then hours later you're jubilant as ever, that's not depression..
They don't understand how the thing can swell inside you.
It makes you unbearable to be around and if you could get away from yourself you would.
No Depression is an awful thing.
It gets bigger and bigger consuming everything you do and everything you think, till you can no longer function or bother caring about anything or anyone. The only thing you do feel is everything at once and it's all your fault, you deserve every horrible thing that's happened to you,
the best you can do is rid yourself of this world and spare everyone you know the trouble.
You feel like a nuisance, hell maybe you are one.
Cleaning up after any mess is exhausting.

I'm glad I have my older sister to be honest with at least, I think she's the only person I can trust with how I truly feel about it all.
She gets it because she's seen me at my worst and knows what it would take to get there. She's also seen me at my best and knows that too.
When you've witnessed the good and bad in someone, you tend to pay attention. You actually see.
There are only a handful who can truly say, I know Lou.
If you haven't seen me at my worst then you have no idea.
That is the thing I struggle with the most, keeping the bad at Bay. I know I should, but I can't help but question why and who is this all for?

 My ED is bad too, ugh today was awful. I've b/p so many times I don't know how I'm still standing.
At one point in the day I actually took a break from ED and went to the hardware store where I actually ran into an EX of mines, well I don't know if I can even call him that seeing as how we never dated.
I guess I can say he was one of many "romps" I've had. He was married at the time and I was not. In any case it didn't last long as those things never do,
but yeah I ran into him and boy was he happy to see me.
He's already friend me on Facebook and a message too.
He's still very much married and his kids are the same age as my nephews.
I know I'm "single" now, but I'm actually going to try my best to not get involved with complicated people. I want simple.
Simple, not married or open relationships, long distance or no contact, in between or undefined..I just want a man who's not a moron and has qualities I look for.
Is that too much to ask?
I think I deserve that, after all the duds I've had, I think I merit someone who will actually return what I put out.

In all my mania, I even tried to keep soup down today, but then purged it after too much inner debate about how full I suddenly felt.
I've binged on so many sodium enriched things that now I'm bloated and retaining, what comes next?
LAX BINGE!
Laxatives are bad news for your heart, but I've managed once again to say to hell with it all, let it be.

Bad day with ED.

I'm looking forward to passing out in a minute,
I need sleep.

I feel so useless lately.
I need a job and something to do other than rot.
I can't have this be it for me.

I don't want to settle or roll over,
I want to keep fighting and pray that good things will keep coming my way.
I want a better life.
I know it's there somewhere, I just wish I could hold on a little longer.
I'll try to fight, it won't be for me of course, but for the little one I care for, the one who keeps me going when everything and everyone else doesn't.

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day."-Joe Carnahan

Leap Year

Whilst Pancake Day was a hit yesterday
..today not so much.
My daughter and I are sick today, real sick.
My sister thinks it's food poisoning seeing as we both are suffering from the same symptoms.

She and I are running fevers and we've actually been in bed all day.
It's late now and my daughter is settling down, I on the other hand have worsened.

Of course I'd feel worse because I've been b/p again today.
Dam I almost made it today without doing that, but some things just got the best of me and now here I am paying the price.
I'm really dehydrated, all I want to do is drink everything.

My weight is fine by me standards..
well today anyways, you know ED tomorrow I could feel like a blimp and hate the world and myself and go on a crazy lax binge or some shit.

I saw "My week with Marilyn" last night.

What is it about Marilyn Monroe, she's so beautiful. I must have seen every movie she's ever made. It's funny that I think her figure was divine and she was 5'5, size 16 and had actual hips and thighs, but I would panic now if I even thought about having a frame like hers, why is that?
Stupid ED, god I'm so sick of it all. It's exhausting, my head won't shut up, it's no wonder all I want is to be alone, I have no room for anything else at the moment.
Feels like forever with this ED..I actually have an anniversary coming up, on Sunday the day of my birth, it's also 3yrs since ED has come back in my life and made me the half the person I used to be. I wonder how much longer I will allow this to go on, what does it truly take to recover, can Rock bottom be the end all?
I don't think so.
Most days I think that there is nothing that can scare me enough to stop this ED.
After I purged today and sat on my couch, everything started spinning.
My heart beat so slowly I could count along with it..
I started to think in my daze what dying would feel like, when will this life finally catch up to me and how will I go out?
Sometimes I think I'll die like my mother, she suffered before she died, bled out on her bed and then slipped into unconsciousness, I wonder if she knew what was happening to her or if the alcohol masked the truth.
She would never win a Mother of the Year award but sometimes I do miss her, some days she was actually nice to me. One of my favorite memories of her is when I was really sick one night and she ran her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep on her lap.
I think of those kinda days and they confuse me, it's an awful thing to never know if someone really loves you or if they only do because it's an obligation.
I don't ever want to do that to my kid or anyone.

Love in any form is so complicated. Makes caring hard, one never wants to get hurt but usually does.
I guess all we can do is hope for the best and be surprised.
A huge part of me wants to be cynical but I can't just yet.
 I can't truly wish that all my Heart would do is just pump blood and that's it..

Boo!
My head is pounding, nothing I take is making this go away.
Today has been the longest I've actually slept in weeks.
 I wish I could sleep the whole day away.
Very soon I may just do that.

Nite all.