Sleep, Purge, Work, Repeat..

I'm officially a full time employee at the pharmacy.
Since December have been working 6 days a week, 40 hours, and sometimes when overtime is authorized, up to 60 hours.

My pharmacy bought the neighboring pharmacy that's been around for 20 years next door.
With their closing, my pharmacy bought all the patients and even their pharmacist.
The poor patients had no idea of the change and my little workplace next door didn't either.
We were unequipped for the doubling of patients.
Both my current pharmacists were shook up, my favorite one who I just about consider one of the sweetest people I know immediately got transferred out.
I was devastated, not only was she gone they brought in this older male person to take her place.
He was there not because he was more capable than her but because he was there as a transition piece, a friendly face to ease in the sudden changes that were hitting too close to home.

Work had been a mess. Too many new patients with NO PATIENCE.
It's been difficult and strenuous on me physically and mentally.
I find myself exhausted all the time.
My Insomnia at full force, I find myself sometimes surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a day, and the worst of it is when I do fall asleep, all my dreams involve the pharmacy.
The new rich, snooty customers bitch at me daily and call me degrading, insulting names.
I've cried 3 times in front of customers and coworkers. I even snapped on more than one occasion, yelling back at a patient.
I had one woman who was upset that her medication wasn't ready snatch an insurance card right out of my hand, instantly that just caused me to yell at her forcefully and then storm out to cry in the employee bathroom for five full minutes.
Not one of my better days.

It's been a challenge.
Financially the money has been good, but how quickly it goes out.
My saturn has been a money pit, my GOD has that car sucked all my monies.
I finally invested 200 more to the inflated expenses when the very next day my engine blows and I have no more car.

My "mechanic" or rather my ex's has been scolding me practically every time I fucking see him about the importance of taking your time and car shopping (with him) so finally I have no choice but to buy another car, to dip into my savings from my tax return.
The problem with working full time is that I have no time to do anything, let alone car shop.
I missed 3 days already from repairing the Saturn, I couldn't afford to miss anymore so I had to go car shopping with my ex's mechanic on Friday afternoon after work, and then Saturday my only day off.
My ex's mechanic makes me feel uncomfortable. He's constantly eating me up with his eyes and telling me "how good I look" it's awful.
He's an older man, looks like Meat Loaf's character in Fight Club.
The man has bitch tits people.
Anyways he's also lazy and over charges me at every turn.
Case in point my last major car repair with him, some belt that popped in my car as I was with my boyfriend and the kids heading to the bakery. He charges me 200 for the job, my car works again...(very next day car breaks for good!)
I come to find out belt in actuality only costs 50$
He clearly robbed me blind.
I don't know many mechanics, I have no clue what to do if my tire gets flat or when to change the oil? I've just started to pay more attention to things under the hood but you won't catch me rebuilding any engines any time soon.
All of my brothers are estranged and have never taken an interest in my life without getting something in return. I feel alone and vulnerable, who will help me?


So I need a car.
My ex's mechanic suggests I look on Craig's List for auto's.
My max price is $1500.00, I cannot afford any car more than that. I just paid 500 for 6 months worth of car insurance already.
The money is evaporating.
I try my best in my short time to find a few cars in my price range, the mechanic and I agree to meet up on Friday after I get home from work to start the car search.
The car I'm interested in is $1700 or best offer so I'm thinking my 1500 should sway a seller..maybe.
The seller has school and will be available to show the car after 6pm, so I relay the message to my mechanic.
He takes his time and even calls me to let me know he's having dinner with his brother at a pizza parlor!
At almost 9pm this stupid shithead wants to show up and go car shopping!
I told him it was too late, he then has the audacity to say "Hey I'm going out of my way to help you, I don't like your attitude sweetheart, get someone else to help you."
Can you believe this hair band reject?!

What was I going to do now?
Luckily my boyfriend came to the rescue and took me early to look at potential buys.
Oh that Saturday was a memorable one. The day was dark and stormy.
All those potential buyers were full of shit, my top choices were now my non choices.
Last on my list was a tiny Daewoo hatchback for 1200..
The seller was wishy washy at times but in the end the car was finally available for a showing.
At first glance the little silver egg looked normal; no leaking of any kind, it had a motor that made no noise, the interior was simple and clean. The test drive around the trailer park that housed it was different, this car didn't have those awful tell tale signs of the Saturn. The car appears ok.
So the seller tells me the passenger window doesn't go down, and the driver's side visor doesn't go back up.
The mileage on the car was only 47,000 miles, hardly driven.
The paint on the little car is worn, the tires are missing a hubcaps too.
This car isn't the prettiest woman at the prom, not who'd you normally dance with, but given enough peach schnapps...Hey how you doing?!!
So in my haste I convinced the seller to give me the car for 1000 bucks.
And just like that I had a car.
Now I had to rush and make it to the Tag agency before they closed at four, I needed to renew my registration since my birthday was looming.
So 150 dollars and a new license plate later and the car was ready to hit the open road.
It drove like a dream.
I'm scared shitless of course, cars have traumatized me.
So far I've invested an oil change and new tires on this thing, I need to just fix my window and install my radio and maybe then this car will be okay.
I've had horrible buyers remorse but keep trying to see the positive in the decision I've made.

So I'm stressed to the max and have completely given up on exercise, have been binging and purging. I've gained back 10lbs.
I hate my body.
I'm feeling very depressed lately.

While I'm struggling in Miami with my Ed, my sister has been going through her own health scares with her own Eating Disorder.
Her laxative abuse has caused her to develop Kidney stones.
The poor thing has been hospitalized twice now because of it.
I try my best to give her advice but she seems to keep toppling backwards.
I only wish I lived closer to offer support.

The pharmacy is now with all new Pharmacy managers as they have transferred both old Pharmacists out.
Guess who's my new boss again?
DRAGON.
Oh yes, Smaug is back.
She is just as annoying as ever.
God.
I really hate my job now.
My only hope is that the pharmacy will break her.

My daughter is doing well, she even had her aunt flow come to town!
I was not prepared for this.

I've had a birthday recently. (OLD)
My boyfriend and I are still together, on April 15 we will make 3yrs.
He's trying to fix my car quirks for me so I can save on a few bucks. I'm all for it.

Life is pretty much going on for me, I only hope to join its pace too.
That's it for now.
Talk to you al again soon.

Sunday

Light hits my eyes, bright and loud.
The cat has left the curtain open again.
As much as I love her, I mostly want to strangle her.
To keep my homicidal fantasies in check, I've gone as far as nailing the curtains to the wall itself.
I detest the light in my room.
More than the actual rays itself, I detest lack of sleep.
It puts me in a most foul mood.
I've gone two entire weeks now with recurring Insomnia.
It has me by my big toe and refuses to let go.
I feel the drowsiness coming, I welcome it but the act of sleep itself eludes me. What miniscule sleep I do get is riddled with nightmares.
I don't know how people do it.
I applaud those who can simply lie their heads on a pillow and close their eyes. The Sandman must indeed be the most wonderful, magical person there is.
I, on the other hand cannot.
I lie my head on the pillow and begin the groove of tossing and turning.
It's like stepping into a room full of screaming Investors on Wall Street.
The constant shouting over one another, each individual voice wanting so desperately to be heard. Ideas and accusations flung everywhere.
Welcome to my mind.
The chaotic place that drives me quietly insane.
The shouting at night is too much.
God, I just want some fucking rest!
Shut up! SHUT UP!
I can't sleep unless I'm on something, whether it's alcohol or even pills.

Having old neighbors who you constantly do favors for has it's advantages.
They take way too many unnecessary pills or sometimes don't even take them at all.
Painkillers and anti anxiety pills frequent my stomach much more than food nowadays.
Once the drowsiness kicks in, the fun can start.
Late into the night it gets before I finally succumb and sweet unconsciousness hits me. No more chatter, no more insecurities and worry.
I can just close my eyes be like everyone else.


I am currently in the shithouse everywhere else in my life.
I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck. Am feeding my daughter scrambled eggs for dinner because I can either buy food or have gas in the car for work which is 45 minutes away.
She's understanding and patient with her loser mother, maybe even thinks of all of this as an adventure.

This car.
God this fucking car.
I had a flat, a simple flat that turned into having to buy another tire because "The tire you have has a bubble. If you drive one more day on that, you'll get into a horrible accident when it blows."
This car feels like an expensive, stripper girlfriend I can't afford.

I'm sure I get a lot of "Omigosh, you're doing that bad you should've told me" from people.
The truth of the matter is I'm a child of keeping it to yourself.
It was drilled in my head to never let anyone know just how bad you're doing, most people just don't care, they are just nosy.
It's actually not bad advice, I've seen it firsthand so I know it's not total bs.
If I can still manage to not run this little family of mines (daughter, 2 cats and fishies, oh and houseplants!) into the ground...yet
I'll find a way to survive.


Besides the lack of sleep and lack of money, let's not forget my lack of eat.
I'm nine pounds lighter today.
The one constant joy in this miserable life is the weight loss.

"How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.” -Corrie Blount

My most favorite quote, so much so I have it tattooed on my ribcage.
It's the simplest way of telling how bad yours truly is doing.
I simply stop caring about eating at all. The emptiness feels like a thousand whip lashes. It feels like a punishment I deserve. I don't want anything unnecessary. I deserve nothing.
You are what you eat.
I feel so out of control. I feel like screaming. I feel like running in the streets.
I feel forsaken and all alone, so alone.
All I have is my behaviors. They are what keep me grounded, sane, insane.
It serves a lot of functions in my life. I use it as a way to punish myself, I use it as a way to medicate myself, I use it for the tension release when things get too strong or too built up.
When I’m done, after this big huge buildup, then there’s an overwhelming feeling of calmness, an overwhelming sense of peace.
It’s kind of like letting out a sigh. I get a peaceful feeling and a kind of self-satisfaction at having hurt myself.
What else can I do?
I can't be like everyone else, I wouldn't even begin to know how.
I'm good at imploding, I'm good at infliction and turbulence.
The little joy of seeing the numbers on the scale keep me alive, keep me going too.
It gets me through the day knowing tomorrow, maybe, just maybe will be ok because one more pound is gone. The weight loss gets me through the days, the long empty days.
The same monotonous routine of not eat, work, not sleep, repeat.

Calender Girls

Hi everyone!
How has everyone been since we've last spoken?
Yours truly has been on a financial rollercoaster that has left her with more lint in her pockets than usual.

Let's recap shall we...

Well October was a very trying month for me. There wasn't enough work and then the car decided to give me trouble to the tune of 350$.
This news was no bueno as I love to go all out on costumes to celebrate. Halloween is my all time favorite Holiday, feels like I instead of wearing a mask, I could actually take off the one I wear all year long.
Who doesn't love dressing up, fall weather, candy, carving pumpkins and watching scary movies?
Giving the mechanic 200$ of what would be a free paycheck, hurt.
 I still owe him 150 more and he's been ever so patient but for how long?
Cancelling Halloween altogether even crossed my mind.

My kid's Godmother wanted to go trick or treating thru a fancy neighborhood just like last year. My daughter and I had no costumes and the bills kept coming like clockwork.
Finally I managed to get us both something at the last minute with 80 bucks I managed to save from bits of pinching pennies here and there.
My daughter who's the sweetest, most considerate kid ever was so patient with me.
My initial plan was to me Disney's newest version of Maleficent, I was going to go all out with makeup and contact lenses, but that plan had to be rethought.
I put aside my own desire and decided to just focus on what my kid wanted to be instead, I would just pick a costume at random and be whatever the financial scraps allotted.
My daughter went from wanting to be a My Little Pony to finally deciding on a fairy costume. Yours truly chose (slutty version) Harry Potter.
It was a difficult time for me indeed. Bills, Car repairs, not enough work, depression, my eating disorder.
 I even tried to self sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend by breaking up with him close to Halloween.
The very next day of breakup I drove my shaky car an hour's drive to his house after I dropped my daughter off at school to go and make amends.
He was asleep and very much surprised.
The drive there made me nervous, I was worried he would finally get tired of all my inner drama and just tell me to go fly a kite!
Instead he was understanding and in a great mood. We spent a morning together just wandering around window shopping and enjoying each other's company. I feel like our bond just keeps getting stronger.

These random breakups have actually become a private joke of ours, as a matter of fact as I told my dear love, "It's been awhile since we've broken up, it was due."
I know I scare him with my dramatic outburst, but I feel like since he does  know the real me and the way we work, that nothing would change.
He knows not to take me too seriously, to just let me "vent."
That instead of letting me drive our almost 3years together to the ground, what I needed the most was support and his way of helping me cope through these tough times.
We resumed like nothing had happened and truth be told, nothing really did, nothing ridiculous I could ever say I think would ever make this wonderful man stop loving me and thinking the world of me, and for that I'm so grateful.


I met my friend on the week before Halloween and the costumes were bought, our Halloween date was still on. She's going through her own financial hurricane but has bought a new car and is all too happy to show it off. I pray she has better times ahead because she deserves it.
I gave her a little gift when I saw her, The Twilight series since she's never read them. They are used books from Goodwill but I know she'd cherish them regardless. She loves to immerse herself in other worlds that aren't our current catastrophes, so I wrote her an inscription in a card imploring her to do so!
We can always be broke and stressed any ol' day of the week. When she has the time, she can read her books and have Bella Swan problems lol.


My boyfriend loves X-Mas, he thinks he's too old to dress up for Halloween or at least did before I came along, but he made the effort and got into it for me.
He painted his face in spirit to the Mexican religious Observation of the "Day of the Dead" (not the George Romero film) His stepson was Godzilla!
I thought I was going to be in a bad mood because I was so close to riding the Crimson Wave but that didn't happen, instead we all had the most amazing night.
Halloween is also my Kid's Godmother and I's anniversary of sorts. We've been friends for almost 23 years!
So you see, it's important even in the most dire of situation to most definitely look at the bigger picture.

So after October done went by, I thought November surely would be better?
So far no.
I have been living off my savings.
My bills are late and the car seems to keep challenging me with new sounds and shakes. I have so much to do this month.

Work has been different.
I am now being transferred to the beach store on Collins, I float there every Monday so the pharmacist and staff have asked me to just make it my home store.
The news was amazing, to be wanted and appreciated makes me happy.
I've always though I was never cut out for this line of work. I feel so stressed from work 75% of the time. But it is my job so I have to go 100% at it and hope someone notices...
The complications of a transfer I do not appreciate. Hopefully it's complete now and I can expect steady work. Yes this store is 45 minutes away and I have to put gas in my car every 3-4 days but what other choice do I have?
Work wise I also have my CE's due which are just a bunch of state mandated tests I have to pass in addition to the 105$ renewal of my board issued license that allows me to step foot inside a pharmacy. I've completed my mandatory 20hrs and now just have to complete two more live webinars.
My checks are very slim lately, I missed a week of work because I had the worst flu ever.

I got better then guess what, last Friday got sick again!
Am still trying to recover.

As for my Eating Disorder well...
because have been cash poor these days am only feeding my kid and my boyfriend and his son. I've been fasting and restricting. I've been exercising more and have finally managed to lose almost, almost, almost 10lbs.
You have no idea the happiness that happens stepping on a scale entails.
The excitement and hopeful prospect that your mind generates from those electronic numbers on the scale's display.
Satisfaction doesn't even begin to cover it.
More like I want to scream FINALLY!!!
I am also happy to report that laxatives are only used twice a week as opposed to multiple times a week.
On weekends am keeping food down because my boyfriend is here and he's become a buffer between me and ED.
I will confess something to you all because all because I love you, (even boyfriend doesn't know this but..) I'm always wishing he and I would just live together, partly because I think I'd have a tougher time doing behaviors with him around full time.
I know that's just a band aid on a bullet wound when it comes to ED, it sounds good in theory but then again it could just make me be more sneaky and cunning when it comes to behaviors so the jury is still out on that statement.
Losing weight makes me happy, that simple little fact doesn't seem to change and God forgive me but I need it.
I need that certainty in a world where I seem to have anything but.

My sister wants me to go see her in Orlando for Thanksgiving but that's
160$ I don't have right now.
She asks me everyday about it, all I can tell her is yes when in fact sacrificing that amount may very well kill me financially in the upcoming months. I don't know how to possibly let her down if I can't make it.
I really want to visit her but if I can't afford it, well what then?


I'm trying to just survive.
I hate having no money all the time, burning through my savings, living paycheck to paycheck.

I am not 100% happy.
I am just alive but not truly living.


My novel's latest chapter has been forced, I am trying desperately to finish it but find myself distracted and letting my current reality affect my fictional one. I don't want that for my characters.
I want their lives unblemished by mines.
They are my escape, and deserve better.

This past weekend as I've been sick since Friday was a challenge.
My boyfriend's stepson had a birthday party at a Chuck E Cheese we had to attend. He and I have become introverts and not looking forward to assimilating with others of the human race.
We went this Sunday to it regardless of our own inner demons.
We got lost for a bit but found our way, then with our hands intertwined we made our way to the party and found ourselves having a blast.
I found my inner pushy mother and made sure both kids had a blast. I made sure they both got pizza and goodie bags, cake and whatever else this party had to offer. I wanted this experience to be well, experienced!
I haven't been eating much lately and was genuinely hungry expecting what the birthday invitation promised of "All Adults will be fed" to be true, An hour into the party the mother of the birthday boy finally fed us very small portions of food. Oh my God, was I hungry, I had a small cut of a sub sandwich and one piece of chicken nugget, that was it. I couldn't believe the irony of actually deciding to eat and having nothing to eat!

 

Going Home after the birthday party was fine. My boyfriend stayed 2 days more at my place on account of his kid having 2 days off of school.
I miss him terribly when he's gone, but I know he will be back again on Friday.

 

I was told recently just how healthy and happy I look on my pictures.



Idk what do you all think?
Do my pictures speak more than words or not?
Is anyone out there still interested in what this ol' girl got to say?
Should I revamp blog?
Can you forgive a sporadic blogger?

Also can someone please tell me if the new Stephen King Book "Revival" is any good!?
I desperately want to read this.
Will talk to you guys again soon.
Follow me on Instagram @ladikaat69 for more picture posts! or email me on Gmail.
If you all have any topics you'd like me to cover don't be shy, let me know. I'm an open book as you can tell..
Thanks for giving a hoot still. I'll try to keep writing more.
You all are amazing!

Vlog 10/07/14

Update

Don't call it a come back, I've been here for years!

Why Hello there!
Okay so I've found time to write finally.
I am actually happy to report that yours truly have started a new Chapter on her novel. Oh yes!
So I'm in a writing mood.

It's my day off. I'm off until Sunday then I'm also very happy to report that I have too much work next week.
So I guess this will be a happier post compared to previous moaning in past posts.
So let's begin...


Well I worked two complete days last week, very long shifts so my paycheck will be decent.
I've agreed to help out at that snobby store where I got that ticket that time. They actually need a tech all the time but for now am just doing what I can once a week.
That store is just very messy and boy are they just one hot mess!
I had to work with this pharmacist who is very nice but very slow. I'll call him Sloth.
Little did I know when I went to work on Tuesday there that he and I would be alone from 9am until 2pm..
We tried our best and actually succeeded in making the day go smoothly.
I had to pay for parking setting my alarm to try and avoid getting another ticket.
He was pretty happy with me, so happy in fact he made a comment about wanting to steal me from my home store and hiring me for his store...
Um, No thanks!
Anyways, another tech came at 2pm and then we all worked harmoniously until I had to go home at 8pm.
Sloth scheduled me again for Tuesday at his store which was yesterday.
Monday I worked at that other beach store with the newly pregnant pharmacist who has now taken her maternity leave, so I got to work with the new pharmacist who is so cool. I love her and boy does she love me.
Work went smoothly and I was happy to be back on that grind. Lots of upcoming bills await me.
So Tuesday I drive to the Snobby store at 1pm and it is a marvelous day for me because I am in need.
I had Two different stores request me for work on my way to work lol.
I turned em down cos well already am booked.
When I arrive at the Snobby store I am all smiles because I get to work with my favorite Russian Pharmacist who I haven't seen in awhile and I had no idea this had become his home store for the last 6 months.
Tuesday was amazing.
Nothing went wrong. I even was so talkative which is rare for me unless I'm absolutely comfortable.
But yes, my Russian and I spent all 8 hours almost 9 of my shift just joking around and catching up.
He actually is leaving the company in September. He suggested I transfer to this store for good, I was like NO, maybe if he were sticking around then sure but that's not the case. An hour before my shift ended, the other beach store I used to float at with Mr. Anal called and needed someone for the week, especially in the mornings. So I agreed to Wednesday and Thursday a 9-2 shift. I left Monday and Tuesday open because those are the days I can do an 8-9 hour shift.

This Morning the Cool pharmacist texts me and needs me to work on Monday, and then she needs me available for the first two weeks of September,  someone is going on vacation and she wants me to fill their slot.
So yes, more work!
I'm so happy and tired already lol.

My daughter started school on Monday so that meant i had to run around last weekend looking for her school skirt and shoes.
After much driving around in the heat I finally managed to find everything I needed.
My ex was keeping me up to date with his school shopping aka as him buying brand new school uniforms and me buying my own.
When I finally found her 2 skirts, he had the audacity to tell me he was gong to return the skirts he bought? He was making plans to get one of mines.
I told him No keep yours and I'll keep mines.
We'll both have a set.
I can proudly say that I've provided for her school things all my own, well almost all my own with the exception of some school supplies I still had laying around thanks to my beautiful friends, Sarah, Susan, Perry and Capri..
Thank you beautiful souls for always thinking bout me.

Well Monday comes around and I tell my ex that I want to tag along for the 1st day of School, I want to see her classroom and more importantly do her hair.
My ex tells me this story about how he's returning her skirts because well they don't fit and if I give him one of my skirts her will give me 2 brand new school shirts in return. So I agree.
I didn't have enough to buy her a new shirt anyways so..

The first day of School I did her hair and got in the car with them, my ex smelled like a liquor cabinet. His eyes were swollen and small like he barely is up.
I shake my head.
We get there early to her school and head to the cafeteria to find out who is her teacher since we never received a registration card in the mail from her school.
When we arrive to the table for FOURTH GRADE it is a mess!
There was a list to look at but it's a complete disaster on account of other parents ripping it to shreds, they have mixed up the Alphabetical list and people are hogging it.
It's already past 8 am and everyone is confused and running late.
I'm trying to take pics of my kid and she's not having it, every time she's with her Dad she develops this other persona, where she's not interested and acts like a baby.
Ugh...
Finally the Principal approaches us and because we are very patient, she tells us she will bring another list and we will be first to read it.
Afterwards we walk her up to her classroom and meet her new Teacher who right off the bat tells us she has a Reputation for being strict.
Poor Lil Miss B.
Glad I'm done with school.

So back to Tuesday, I get home tired but okay.
Today I've spent my day in bed, I have slept so much.
I've worked out and have picked up my messy house.
I was social with my neighbors this week actually taking the time to sit down and talk with 3 of them for a long time.
I did modules that were due, and even paid my car insurance, a hefty 600$ out of my savings.

Everything is okay except for my Ed who is making plans for the time I'm at work and will be too busy to eat.
My Ed who reminds me that I'm still about 40lbs overweight and we need to fix that NOW.
My Ed who makes me feel insecure and weak and makes me even feel embarrassed about even admitting I have one on account of how not SKINNY I have become.

I fear many behaviors to come.
Maybe even deep down inside I actually am relived and welcome it.

I has no patience

“Patience is a Virtue” –  William Langland, The Vision of Piers Plowman

Yeah right..


Hi there, it's been a minute since I've been on here. I apologize.
Sometimes I feel like there is an echo in here... but that's okay too. I like the quiet.
I have oodles of free time as it happens so I'm going to try to get these thoughts down.
This is also a warm up, to get my lazy wide behind
back to finishing the novel. I'm almost done, I can see the finish line, I really am ready to just wrap it up already.

My daughter just came in my room asking "Mommy whatcha doing?"
To which I reply I am Blogging!
She smiles at me so genuine, and gives me a kiss and a hug. She comes back a minute later and tells me she thinks its cool I have a Blog.
I think in some circles having a Blog does not make you cool, *pushes glasses up* but then again I'm a nerd and standing out has always made me feel like I fit in.
I think I'm cool and you fellow Bloggers definitely are.
Okay so here we go.

Let's talk about Work.
Work or lack thereof I should say.
I've had NO work all this week.
Hours are being cut and I'm feeling the knife under my throat.
We've officially entered August and I have more bills than job offers.
I have exactly two days of work in the next two weeks so far.

I am incredibly nervous.
I'm starting to worry and get depressed again. I cry all the time now at random intervals. My heart is heavy with the burden of being the sole bread winner here.
If I can't provide for my Little family than who will?

My current bills include rent, cell phone, internet, groceries, light and NOW CAR INSURANCE.
Yes folks the 6 months of insurance have lapsed and it's time to renew. That's 600$ for another 6 months or an extra 100$ a month till February.
What am I going to do?
Oh and lets not forget a ticket I got when I went to float at a pharmacy on the beach whose parking lot had meters you have to feed every two hours unbeknownst to me.

I have Back to School shopping which has to be done.
My ex insists I get all of the school supplies and he'll pay me half of it later.
Well I can't afford a whole lot.
Thank God some of you out there have always sent me packages of goodies and you all sometimes throw cute lil goodies for my kid, I went around the house and collected all I could to cut my list of school supplies in half.
Thank you Angels for your generosity. Why you stick around and bet on a bum horse like me I will never know but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I was able to just come out of pocket by about 20 something dollars left in school supplies.
I told my ex he had to provide the uniforms, shoes and book bag to which he has.
That takes care of that.
Now the daily cost of having a kid(s) home from school means feeding  round the clock. When you have to come out of pocket for groceries it's a hassle.
You people and your eating, such expensive business, it further just makes me angrier at food and the mere thought of eating it.
Sometimes I'm so hungry but go without eating because there is only one loaf of bread and we have to make that last and everybody is always eating and I just want one slice of bread with butter or mayonnaise to get me through the day. Sometimes I just have to put my own needs and wants aside because I have disordered eating and maybe that one slice of bread is triggering and I may purge that and well, I will feel guilty afterwards because someone else could have eaten that one slice and enjoyed it.
Guilt you see, is a powerful deterrent.
I rather cook all day and feed everyone else than deal with the backlash of purging if I partake.

The second order of business would be my Eating Disorder and how I am progressing.
I would be lying if I said I haven't had a week where I just reveled in the thing and loved it because I was getting such positive results.
But on that same note have had to gain it all back because I've stopped doing all those behaviors.
Am I pissed? of course.
I feel like I've worked so hard to lose it all in the blink of an eye.
I don't want to stop doing behaviors, I don't, God help me because I just don't.
Can I be myself and do them No.
When I have to stop because I don't want to make say, my boyfriend uncomfortable than I do.
It's so fucking hard and mentally I hate myself more but I do because I love him. When I do eat around him and it turns out I need to purge ever so bad, I feel horrible like I have to ask for permission, I have to let him know what I'm about to do. He understands of course but I know deep down inside how bad he must feel listening to me yak in the toilet and trying to understand how something so little as a toddler size portion on rice and chicken can send me over the edge? Why can't I just not do that.
I know he wishes I were better or cared about myself but I just don't.
I'm sorry, I've had far too many horrible things happen to me that I deal with on a daily basis (without therapy) that just suffocate any premise I had towards recovery.
Behaviors are both rewarding and punishing. Most days I don't know what side of the coin it all lands on.
I'm not perfect, I am a woman who has a mental disorder that she deals with from the moment she wakes until she closes her eyes to sleep. This never stops for me. I am who I am and that won't change until I figure out how to.
The figuring out part is hard too because I am utterly alone in this.
I don't have the tools to do so.
This disease is isolating and needs isolation to thrive.
I feel it the most when I'm alone. It's all I can think about.
Today for example have spent the majority of the day in bed, if I were to get up and move around then well there's a greater chance of a b/p session.
Sometimes just marooning myself on an island is safer. I cause less damage, disappoint less.
Unfortunately I don't have the luxury in just doing that, I have a very bored 9yr old who wants my attention all day.
I have to plaster a smile and do my domestic duties.
I feel like I must do something with her, after all her fun summer was cut short by my ass of an ex who has been doing nothing fun with her incidentally.
I am broke and have a car that leaks water like crazy, going far (and far of course is where all the good shit is) is just not a possibility right now.
There isn't a time in the day where I think of my daughter and just sob quietly. I feel like I'm just letting her down, her precious childhood I'm stealing with my lacking.
She saved my life once but I can never repay her, I can't seem to make it a good life in return. I struggle way too much.
How can I make her happy, how can she possibly still look at me with those big eyes and not hate her loser mother yet?
Don't you know what I've put you through once? How can I make sure it never happens again?

I still drink every night, some days it's all I allow in my stomach.
Of course this is helping in my death, but it both destroys and nourishes me.
Quiets my tormented mind and helps put me to rest for the night.
It's also killing me, that's for sure.
Lou, you're killing yourself. You stupid girl are partaking in a very slow suicide.
A normal sane person would stop immediately, but a woman with an addictive personality continues despite the good or bad around her.

Let's move along now.
My car is leaking water again.
I've finally had to muster up the balls to contact that shady mechanic that my ex uses, the one that looks like Meatloaf circa the movie Fight Club..
He says it's a hose, a problem that may not cost me much.
So I've suggested he change my oil and the hose, I hope the repairs and labor are less than 100$

I have so little in my savings.
I need to get another job.
I've spoken to my kid's Godmother, the lovely Angel who's blessed me with this current title on my resume, she suggest I pick up extra hours as a cashier for the company.
I think when car is fixed will hit up my old work hubby Big Gay Al, and see if I can cashier at his pharmacy, they don't need any pharmacy techs yet.
Maybe I can do that or just try to work at McDonald's or somewhere. I don't know
It's just hard because I'm only available in the mornings on account of my daughter and no sitter.
Usually jobs need night shifts and weekends so anything I can do is simply not what they are looking to hire.
If I were thin, or had a hot body would be a stripper or webcam girl, but of course am  a pudgy cellulite riddled fat girl.
No work there unless my target audience were Chubby Chasers in which case I'd be rich because they pay by the pound.


Let's see what else I can inform you on.
Hmm well not much.
My older brother Is still in Prison, his oldest daughter who he hasn't seen in 11 yrs is finally 18 years old.
He wants contact with her so my sister has been reaching out to her on Facebook. I don't know if she would care to start a relationship with her estranged father or not.
My brother is reading more in prison, is smitten with the author Lee Child and wishes I would mail him books from amazon, but I can't right now, I'm far too broke.
I can't even give him 20$ in his commissary.
He understands to an extent but it's still a sad ordeal.
I wish I didn't have to go through this but I do.
It still breaks my heart and makes me feel like a bad sister because I can't help him, I can't make life in prison easier on him. Hell I can't make life easier on the outside for myself either.


Patience I don't like to have.
I don't want to keep holding on and hoping I can come out through the other side unscathed.
I'm not quite sure that's my role.

I've been told to pray on it, but I just don't wanna hope any further.
I need action not hope.
I need to know my suffering means something, stands for something.
Maybe even in death.


Maybe that's all I'm good for to endure and lie in wait.


so that's it goodnight.