Hello it's me..

It's been awhile since I've been on here.
A lot has happened but nothing's changed.
2016 hasn't been too good to me.
My rent has been raised significantly, my car is having trouble, an old friend was murdered.
So many things that have been happening in between my grueling work schedule.
I find myself working 13 hour shifts at the pharmacy which has been so busy lately and in distress ever since Christmas when my other colleague decided to never show up to work again.
We've been struggling and I'm going insane.
The problem with not only working all day is that fact that I'm not eating all day either.
So far I've lost 12lbs from mere starvation.
The binging and the purging episodes have stopped, that I'm happy about, but now something worse has taken it's place.
I'm getting used to not eating, real used to it.
I talk myself out of meals daily, guilt myself into continuing the whole day with nothing at all, "you've been doing so well, don't eat now, the days almost over."
I haven't worked out in so long, I just don't feel like it anymore.
I'm so drained from work I have no energy for anything else.
On weekends which I happen to be off, I cook for my boyfriend and the kids. I don't eat.
I pretend to eat. I pretend well.
I'm not purposely trying to starve, it just gradually started happening one day and then lead into the next and then two months later.
Working all day and constantly moving around all day is distracting, by the time I get home it's almost time for bed. I stay up a few hours and then take a Xanax and go to bed.
I've stopped drinking everyday too, no more cigarettes for me either.
I'll have a drink or two on Fridays with my boyfriend while we stay up watching Netflix followed by chill lol.
So while I've left most habits behind, my eating disorder is not one of them.
My favorite quote that I have tattooed even on my ribcage says it all,

"How will you know I am hurting, if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain." ~C. Blount.

I am very stressed out lately, even if I don't complain much about it or ask for help, I am in trouble.
This feels different, I don't feel in control. I feel sad inside, hollow. The outside reflects what I feel most days on the inside, that I'm losing, losing the fight, the hope that things will change.
The echoes of starvation are a sign that all is not well on the home front.
The quiet times I have to myself are both haunting and horrifying.
I'm terrified to eat anything that I consider heavy, I don't want to start that binge and purge cycle again.
That is pure misery.
So food is being avoided altogether.
I'm living off water and Ensure.
A piece of gum at work when my mouth is too dry which lately is all the time.
My hair's falling out again. I'm still holding on to what I can, but soon I'm afraid I'll cut these matty locks in frustration.
I'm tired all the time, while I feel so sleepy during the day, the night has me wired.
If I don't take something to knock me out then I'm running on two hours or no sleep at all.
I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, what better way than to alleviate it then by losing weight.

So I leave you now with this entry, I'm trying to kick start my writer's block from the novel, I am on chapter 11 and we're almost to the finish line.
I can see the finale.

Goodnight lovelies.

Try not to kill a bitch Mondays

Dr.s and things

Return of the Jedi

Down the hatch

Tonight I drink RUM!
A full one liter bottle and a shot glass.
I have actually had to work for four hours at the pharmacy on a Friday night of all things which is not my usual M.O but beggars can't be choosers.
I've just barely closed the work week with 30-ish hours. My paychecks have been lighter than I'd like.

The work day wasn't too bad, I got to work with a floater pharmacist who talks to himself a lot, the down only down side was putting away the truck which included 6 crates of medicines.
My one horrible customer came in the form of a 5'9 ft cunt.
She had no medicines ready and didn't too much care for the idea of a 10-15 minute wait time.
"Why do I have to wait so long? It's just one pill and there are no customers?"
Ugh.
God people, I could play you... here look at this and then you will go through a typical day with me. Look at all the dumb shit I have to endure.

 
It's awful, the same repetitive nonsense, the audacity these morons have.

So back to the Amazonian cunt.
She and I had a back and forth with words about why she felt she was entitled to not wait around like everyone else. The more polite I was, the more upset she became.
"I don't need to get into any discussion with you, you work at the pharmacy."
I told her I didn't care to get into a discussion with her either and smiled. Smiling always pisses rude people off.
"With teeth like yours, I wouldn't be too happy to be smiling." she thinks she's outwitted me with the lowest form of interactions, personal jabs at someone's outward appearance.
She said she didn't want to wait and that she would pick up her Fluconazole tomorrow morning.
"So, if I come tomorrow, it will be done then? Since its so complicated to put a sticker on one single pill tonight."
I just about want to slap her but I can't because you know, common decency and all.
Instead I take the high road and simple say...
"Yes,you can pick up your yeast infection medication tomorrow morning, it will be ready.'"
The look on her face.
She made sure to ask me my name to which I proceeded to spell my name just in case you know she can't read and all..
Work is the worst.

I have a 1 week vacation due on July 5-11..
I'll be spending 3 days kid free in Orlando with my sister.
I'll be happy just to get away from this place for awhile.
I'm incredibly moody and frustrated. I'm just over it all already.

In weight related news I have managed to maintain a steady and Ludacris weight class.
Purging has become a daily things, laxatives not so much, definite bouts of long starvation are also apart of my daily diet.

I feel unfulfilled and stuck in a rut with just about every part of my life.
The minute I start to complain I have the "other people have it worse speech."
Yes I know other people have it worse out there for numerous reasons, but I'm not other people, I'm me and I have a right to feel pissed off about the fact that this is my life and I'm unable to change it because I'm too scared to do anything at all.
I want to bitch and complain and cry, by golly I can and will.


I'm sorry for depressing posts, right now am trying to find time and means to get a new-ish laptop with a webcam and an older windows software program on it like Office or something.
I've seen newer laptops but their windows office software which I utilize for novel writing has now become a monthly or yearly subscription and frankly I don't have that kinda time (money).
I feel too lazy to make any further choices other than poor ones.
I miss writing and vlogging, I miss being 100lbs, I miss my short hair, I miss socializing with people.
I'm just missing out.

I'll try to post again soon-er rather than later.
Hope you are well.
Congrats on a few of my lovelies that have tied the knot recently.
I wish you sheer happiness.

Goodnight for now, will drink rum and do my best Captain Sparrow impersonation.

I'm very depressed.
I really, really, don't want to live anymore.

The 5 stages of Grief

Grief is universal.
It has touched each and everyone of us in some major way in our lifetime;
Grief could be trivial or life altering.
We find ourselves changed in the end but to first live and survive through it we must first come to terms with the thing.

I find myself in the throws of what are known as "The 5 Stages of Grief."

Stage 1. Denial.
When I first heard that they were replacing both pharmacist at my job and two of my useless coworkers, I thought great new people!

 I've been under a constant bombardment of stress, all of December, ever since they bought the pharmacy next door and acquired all the loons that came along with it.
New pharmacists and coworkers, why it's just the thing this place needs right now.
February was looking like a bust, the car had me miserable, surely March had to be different.


It was on a very busy Sunday that the rumors began swirling about Dragon.
I couldn't believe it, did not want to even entertain the idea of her possible resurfacing into my little calm life.
I've managed to dodge her for a long time, avoiding floater shifts at her pharmacy.
I couldn't picture hearing her whiny, nasally voice barking orders at me.
I didn't want to imagine her shiny scales shimmering off the computer screens  behind me.
I couldn't imagine her lasting for long at my pharmacy anyway even if she was to transfer there.
My pharmacy had become infamous.
We were officially a "challenged store."
Every single one of us had a horrible nemesis patient who sought out to ruin our day with constant complaints and outlandish unmedicated outbursts.
Dragon is an anxiety riddled large child, throwing temper tantrums here and there.
This pharmacy would eat her alive.
They can't send her here, what are these people thinking.
No way she's going to be my new boss, no fucking way!

Stage 2. Anger.
Monday Morning and there is a very flashy Red Mustang in the parking lot.
I immediately knew who's car that was.
Holy fuck nuggets, Smaug has taken over the Mountain.
As I open the door to work, there she is.
Smug Smaug.
She starts making changes immediately, remodeling the pharmacy to make room for her enormous ego.
She's making stupid choices too, like taking down the shelves with all the OTC (over the counter) meds because "It's ugly to look at."
What!? Ugly? No stupid reptile, you're ugly.
Don't go touching things here, you're a tourist, a drifter just passing through town. Don't you dare grow roots here.

I am livid.
I am stuck with her again. No!
God I couldn't believe I would be having a birthday in the presence of this monstrosity.
It's bad enough I have to age, I don't want to get older with her!
I hate that I have to kiss her ass and pretend I don't hate her stupid guts.
Why is she here!?
Why Lord, am I really such a bad person to be punished this way?
 Fuck man as if this stupid job wasn't hard enough already.

Stage 3. Bargaining. 
It was official, she was here to stay.
She was already making waves at the pharmacy.
There was even an incident where she had one of our more colorful patients make her cry.
She had made enemies with our more seasoned overly medicated narcotic meds only patients.
She went one complete week denying Vicodin, Adderals, Oxycontin's, Morphine and Methadone..
Our usual customers hated her stupid guts more than I did.
My only comfort was in the little hope I had every morning, as soon as the alarm blared, I would lie in bed for five full minutes and pray that today she wouldn't go off in one of those bipolarish moods of hers.
Please Lord above or below, anyone out there??
Zeus, Allah, Easter Bunny?
Someone please make this woman call out of work or transfer out due to a nervous breakdown or something, please..
I promise that I will work harder and try to be a better mom, or girlfriend, maybe I could look into charity work or serve the homeless.
Please someone out there just take her out.. I will be be ever so grateful.

Stage 4. Depression.
I found myself crying in the shower every morning, crying in the car on the way to work.
I found myself sleeping less and bingeing more.
I am depressed.
My fate is sealed.
Maybe it's time to find another pharmacy to work at, maybe it's time to find another line of work.
You win this one Dragon, the place is all yours.
Working with her is awful. She makes me feel like nothing I do is eery good enough, like I'm a rookie. I find myself making first year mistakes too. I feel like I can't do anything right.
My house is a mess, I work so much I have no time to do laundry or do housework, all I really want to do is just lay in bed.
I chase painkillers with alcohol and pass out into the late night, it's the only way I will get any kind of sleep.
I am a moody mess, fighting with my boyfriend over nonsense, isolating myself and gaining weight. Ugh gaining so much weight. I am so fat. I don't want to be looked at.
I'm disgusting :(
I'm a big sad lonely mess.
I don't feel like anything good is going to ever happen to me. I'm just not one of those lucky people that look so put together and have so much going for them.
I can't have it all, can't even have some..

Stage 5. Acceptance.
The Pharmacy has stabilized finally.
My other pharmacist who had her own reputation for being an uber bitch actually doesn't piss me off.
On Tuesday she and I worked alone for ten complete hours without incidents.
She even kept commenting on what a perfect day it was.
I don't have a nickname for her yet although she talks with a Lisp...
Maybe Lisp lady would suit her.
Dragon is still annoying but she annoys everyone so I thank God for small miracles, at least I'm not the only one getting burnt from her fire breathing flames.
Our new head honcho at corporate is checking up on the progress at the store and scolded me for dropping my score in "Action notes" which is just fancy medical jargon for me being too busy to call patients and let them know if we are out of stock on something or if their insurance doesn't cover their herpes medications anymore.
I was taken aback by him and upset. To imply that I would purposely slack off is to insult my character. I've been busting my ass working six days a week for this place.
I blurted out that I would work harder if I knew that the end justified the means ergo my performance review that was due in October would be done, I was due for a raise last year. How can I work so hard for a company who only acknowledges the bad but ignores the good.
The head honcho said no worries he would take care of that.
So on Thursday Morning Dragon surprised me by having me sign my performance review. It was good, I exceed expectations.
Sometime next week they will sit down with me and let me know how much my raise will be, and not only that I will get retroactive pay for all of last year and this years pay adjustment.
The majority of bad patients from the merger have all but transferred out so now we have less patients again. We are all in the process of just re acclimating ourselves with the pharmacy sans craziness again.
They are changing my schedule around, giving me a schedule of five days a week and promising to not cut my hours so I can continue to receive my full (40) time hours.
If I can just not feel like my carpal tunnel is going to kill me or my legs will stop trying to buckle on me than I can survive this.

So folks looks like I'm stuck here until further notice with Smaug.
Good thing I'm an excellent Burglar or I could be in some serious trouble.