I'm sorry

I can't see my collarbones, my ribs and hipbones are non existent.
My hips stick out and my butt feels bigger.

I'm fat.

Today my car got fixed.
My window can now go down, the blown motor was changed.
My mechanic found me four rims for my car but I can't afford them. They are $350.00
He also said my front speaker was done, he has two new speakers he'll give me tomorrow, maybe he can install it this weekend.
Today has been okay with my husband, he's been in a great mood.
We're actually talking more and more about the future.
I think us not living together is the best decision I've ever made. I will be able to finally forgive him for everything and find closure within myself this way.
He and I share a child together and that means we have to deal with each other for the rest of her life. We have to get along for her sake. We have no real reason to hate one another at all.
I wish him all the best in his new life, and I know he wishes me the same.

After the car repair we headed to the video store.
We were at my sister in law's video store when all of a sudden who should walk in but none other than Udonis Haslem a Miami Heat basketball player. He was very stuck up and didn't want autographs or pictures. My husband was very star struck and it actually broke his heart that one of his favorite players was acting this way. I wasn't surprised at all.
Sometimes these people just don't want to be bothered.


The video store trip was fun despite this.
My sister in law who's also a stoner and Bulimic was very friendly as usual.
We spend twenty dollars which buys you four DVDs but she always sends us out with 15 movies..
For Christmas we gave her a gift card from the Olive Garden, she was happy.
I think I'm gonna give her a nickel bag soon, I'm sure she would love that.
She's very sweet.

So the rest of the day I've been cooking and watching movies galore.
I made a chicken pot pie. I actually ate some of this in a very small bowl. Yes I felt guilty afterwards and had a meltdown. I can't enjoy anything without being riddled with guilt..

I'm currently watching Dream House with Daniel Craig, I like it very much.

I worked out today, my knee didn't give me any hassles. No kidney pains today.
I didn't get my appointment letter in the mail today, I'm still waiting. Please God let it come already.

Everything else in my life is getting better but not my ED.
My ED is driving me nuts.
I tried to be social but I just can't yet.
Too many triggering people today.
So day 29 and I'm still okay.
Sort of.

My ED wants me to go ape shit and do all these behaviors to lose all the weight I've gained.
I don't know how much longer I can go on.

I'll say this now that I'm in that point in my life where I kinda see things clearer.

Do I want to look like this?

Hell Fuck No!

God that is so unhealthy on so many levels, no one should allow themselves to be comfortable at that weight. You're doing tremendous damage to your body.
You can't possibly be happy with yourself at this weight, I don't care how confident you are. This is becoming the norm here in the states and I absolutely hate it. No wonder anyone who doesn't look like this is dubbed Anorexic.

Do I want to look like this?

No.

I don't want to look like this either.

Why would anyone want to look like they are dying?

I have a child, a daughter no less, it would break my heart if I saw her doing this to herself. I know all I put myself through to look like that, I would never wish that on another person.

No in all honesty I don't want to look like that.

There are times when this stupid ED demands this, but I can't.

I have to show my kid differently, I can't look like that.

So yes I'm sorry for my next statement, but right now if you weigh less than 100lbs, I just can't talk to you.

I can't do it.

I won't compete with you and I don't want to hear about your hassles, you have

no idea how triggering you are to me right now.

I know I have more sense than this, and even though I hate the shit outta my body right now, it's for the best.

At this point in my life, I can't go backwards.

If I don't want this thing to kill me then I have to disassociate myself away from all that bullshit.

I wish you all the best, but right now I can't be there to support any more weight loss.

So now what Lou, you're a confusing bunch?

Do you wanna weigh 80lbs again like you did before you got knocked up or what?
When I was that low in my weight, I had people telling me to eat and asking me if I was on Meth or crack, did I have Aids?
I had my husband shaking me awake every night just to make sure I was still alive. I felt like shit all the time. I liked the way I looked but no one else did.
I was the definition of selfish.

No. I don't want to look like that picture.

The sick ED in me says yeah, get it all off! SKINNY c'mon lose all the weight keep going, you're doing good.

The me, the person with more sense than that says NO.

Who can possibly find a bony woman attractive?

Who wants to be weak all the time and starving.

You're not strong, you're an idiot.

I'm gonna try to make a break for it, flee ED as much as I can.

Yes I'll have bad days and triggering days but I'm gonna try my hardest to fight it and keep pushing forward.

Please God help me fight this.

I want to love my body and myself.

I want a chance.

I don't want my daughter to ever suffer with this affliction.

I'm tired of my hair falling out, of being cold all the time. I'm tired of not being able to be really close to anyone because I'm so scared of letting anyone see my body. I'm tired of letting this dictate how my day will go or how I feel.
I'm so miserable.

I feel like I want to cry because there are so many people I love who are sick and suffering, but I just don't know what to say to you, you don't want help, you want to keep getting sicker. I listen and support you trying to get better and be a decent weight that isn't skeletal but then you turn it all around and it becomes this thing where deep down inside I just think you want attention and someone to sit in the Peanut Gallery, a witness to your performance.

I saw my father die of Cancer.

He went from being perfectly healthy to looking like an emaciated Anorexic.

He suffered, he was hungry and couldn't eat, hold food down. Couldn't walk. I saw what sickness is.

I watched him wither away and die, I don't want anyone to watch me die.
I don't want anyone to be affected by my illness. I still have a choice to not alllow myself to get worse.
I don't want anyone to see me get worse.

Least of all my daughter.

I need to fight this.

I will try.

Please forgive me.

I'm not saying my shit doesn't stink.

I'm just saying don't make it harder for me.

No worries I'm not ditching Blogger, I'll still be here, but you'll just hear me bitch and complain about trying to fight this.

I hope you all stick around and maybe try to have bouts in your life where you fight this illness too.

So that's it.

Back to the movie.

I love you all and thanks for hearing all my nonsense.

<3

Lou.

No one said it was easy

I'm still here.
Today is by far the worst with my ED, holy shit is it bad.
I think my period is on? I don't really know if that's what it is, the only other time I've had a flow this light was before I had my daughter when I was at my lowest weight ever, right before I stopped having periods altogether.
I ate again today, I feel like crap now.
I'm so bloated, my digestion is awful.
The kidney pains are gone. My knee doesn't even hurt today, at least that's good news. My weight is still the same although I swear I feel like I'm slowly expanding by the minute.
I'm still keeping to myself, I just feel like I have nothing whatsoever to say to anyone. Plus no one really likes me when I get all negative like this, I can be a bit much, so I don't want to annoy anyone.
I know everyone means well and I appreciate what you all say attempting to cheer me up.
Its this ED, I feel like I'm drowning.

I just have to make the most of the day and try my hardest to learn to live myself. Like it or not I have to make this body of mines work.

I'll try to be a little more social tomorrow, I don't like cold shoulders and that's what I'm doing. It's not fair to anyone I care about to be this selfish regardless.


I wanted to distract myself because I was really triggered earlier and felt so sure today day 27 was the day I would finally cave and really binge..
I went on Craig's List just to humor myself. I hate looking at furniture because I'm still stuck here and what would I do if I actually saw something I really wanted, where would I stick it?
I did this very thing anyways.
I emailed someone who was giving away IKEA goods. I love IKEA!
I honestly didn't think he would respond so fast but there it was.
Free furniture and a reply asking how soon can you take it off my hands?
I called my husband who was at the park with my kid and he said sure let's go get it, free is free and you're gonna need all you can.
So my little yellow bug actually fit all that in it. I shook my head in disbelief, I think my car is 1/3 clown car.

An IKEA desk, bookcase and 2 chairs.
This was the highlight of my day.
My apartment looks like an episode of Hoarders, there is stuff everywhere. I still have loads to keep dumping.
My daughter was so excited, she can't wait to move and decorate her room.
Neither can I.
I hope my appointment comes this week. I'm ready to get this show on the road.
My mechanic postponed my car repair for tomorrow morning. What a hassle.

I'm gonna watch a little T.V with the Mrs. then get back to my book..
Goodnite all!

P.s
To Peridot you and your blog are not at all triggering to me sweetie, as a matter of fact reading any blogs don't trigger me.
We all the right to write what we please, it is after all our blogs and we should be able to vent when we want.
So ((hugs)) to you all for writing still. There are a lot of Bloggers who've gone missing and I think it's disappointing but everyone has their reasons.
In any case keep writing and I'll keep reading.
<3

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I'm in a very bad mood.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going on in this same manner.
My ED is getting the best of me.
I find myself thinking all kinds of irrational things.

My ED says it's time to go solo.
Ignore everyone for good, no more friendly emails and Instant messages, just say fuck it and fuck you to everyone I know.
I'm tired of competitions and fake "friends."
I'm getting fed up hearing everyone Else's bullshit.

I ate today, it felt like a binge but I'm sure it's the equivalent of a normal person's average caloric count.
I feel like a fat pig.
I hate gaining weight yet here I am doing it.
I don't like this tug of war that's going on right now.

The problem with disappearing is that all of a sudden there are too many questions and explanations that I have no answers to.
Why can't I be selfish and just take a break away from everyone?

I feel so sad.
I'm starting to worry now.
I will be living alone very soon and still have no job.
How will I pay my rent?
How will I provide for my kid, she will solely depend on me for everything.
I feel like I'm going to ruin everything, I feel like I'm going to fail.
Maybe I do need a third party to care for me, my mental state is not at a hundred percent.

When my husband and I first split I was heartbroken, lost and incredibly depressed.
I lost 20lbs in the first two months of living alone immediately because I never ate.
All I did was drink myself into a stupor to not feel the pain of truly being alone.
I felt hopeless.
I had no direction and my depression put me in a foul place where I preferred to be alone.
I abused medication and drank Brandy every night.
I found myself in situations and became this shell of my former self.
I was a mess and got taken advantage of on numerous occasions.

My fear is that this will happen all over again.
There is a dual side to this.
My ED is what is making me think about the failure part.
It would have me believe that I will lose it all again because I am weak.

Then there's that part of me that says so what.
So what if you fail..
What does that mean anyways, people fail all the time and yet they go on, you have before and you can again.
If you fail, oh well.
What are you trying to prove?
Who exactly are you trying to do anything for?

I am so mindful of others people feelings.
I'm constantly protecting others, trying my best to be polite and not offend anyone.
No one does that for me.
They offend me, trigger me, leave me hanging or set me up for things I should know better.
Why can't I just do the same, why does it feel so impossible?
I want to be mean too sometimes, I want to hurt people back in the same manner they've done to me.
Why can't I just grow a pair and do the same?

Day 26 and I feel like I just want to give up.
I hate this negativity.
I hate ED.
I wish I was like everyone else sometimes, perfectly boring and having mediocre problems, I'm tired of my problems.
I feel like a constant complainer.

My husband came home a little while ago asking me what's wrong.
I didn't say anything, nothings wrong.
I feel like a fool for saying how I really feel.
How am I supposed to say I'm sad because I've gained weight, or that I'm scared to make it on my own, can I?
I feel like I'm not reaching my potential, I feel like I'm scared of people, and being out in the open.
I feel selfish and unworthy.
No I can't say any of these things to anyone, because normal people don't think like this.
I wish I could just accept things and make the most of anything.
Sometimes I do, but the majority of times I'm scared to allow myself to.
I don't want to conform, I want more than what I've been given.

I just want a break.
I want to go away for awhile and just get all of this out.
I feel so selfish.
I want out. I want quiet.
I need space.
I feel too crowded now.
Too many people asking me too many personal things.
I need privacy.

I need a minute.

I've been reading "Mrs Dalloway" again, not too mention "The Hours."
I adore Virginia Woolf, I feel as though if I were from another Era I would be her.
It feels refreshing to see you own thoughts regurgitated by another and in print no less..she was a visionary and misunderstood because of her illness.


Virginia Woolf (January 25, 1882 – March 28, 1941) is one of the foremost modernist literary figures of the twentieth century in my opinion. Though she is commonly regarded by many as a feminist, she herself deplored the term, as she felt it suggested an obsession with women and womens' concerns. She preferred to be referred to as a "humanist".

At the end of 1940, Woolf suffered another severe bout of depression, from which she felt she was unable to recover, partly due to the onset of World War II. On March 28, 1941, at the age of 59, Woolf filled her pockets with stones and drowned herself in the River Ouse, near her home in Rodmell. She left two suicide notes; one for her sister Vanessa, the other for her husband, Leonard.

I will leave you with Virginia Woolf's suicide note to her husband, I found this to be incredibly romantic..

"Dearest,
 I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.


I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.

V."


I wish I was that brave.
I don't think there are stones heavy enough to hold me down.

Sunday

Day 25

What Happens in My Head....

Me: I'm hungry.
Ana: No, you're not, you fat piece of shit.
Me: Ana, I'm really hungry this time.
Ana: NO! You are not.
Me: Ana, I'm starving, can I please eat?
Mia: You can eat if you want, just remember that I'll be there when you're done.
Me: Can we not do this tonight?
Ana: If you don't eat.
Mia: Yeah, only if you don't eat.
Me: But I'm so hungry.
Ana: Go drink water, you pig.
Me: I want food.
Mia: Go ahead and eat it.
Ana: Yeah, and when you're done with Mia, we're going on a 5 mile jog.
Me: I'm not hungry.
Ana: I told you that you weren't! You never believe me!

Boo ED