Hardheaded

So on the weekend I ended up on the other end of a conversation with Happy Tuesday, it started off innocently enough and then I don't know what happened, how I got sucked back into the routine of him telling me how much he cared about me and me being an idiot and suggesting we hook up again.
*Deep Sigh*
Yesterday he was already dropping hints that he was on babysitting duty and maybe couldn't see me on Tuesday..maybe but he asked me to call him in the morning anyways just to be sure, my gut said not to call, what was I doing?
I agreed.
I was excited at the thought of both getting out of the house again and having human contact finally after months of zippo.
I had everything ready, underwear, outfit, even baked cookies since he loves my baking.

Peanut Butter Cookies from Scratch

This morning I'm getting dressed and only digested meds to keep my stomach flat, I'm at 106.4 today even.
I thought the day was starting off great?
I'm ready and out the door to see my shrink.
I'm early so I have a seat and call Happy Tuesday.
Ring Ring Ring..nothing
Again, maybe I dialed the wrong number?
Ring Ring Ring..nothing.
OOookay?
I feel the wave of disappointment hit me, luckily I didn't have time to wallow long, my Shrink showed up on time, bubbly as usual and pulled me into her office.
I tell her about the week and she's appalled at Dr. Jerkoff's unprofessional manner. She tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty or bad about my Disorders, they are out of my control and everything he said was just ridiculous. There is no such thing as "Just Cheer Up" for someone like me. She also suggested I get a new Dr.
Our session is good today, I told her about the skin picking, she suggested that every time I feel like doing that to do some exercise instead, something else with my hands, that obviously the picking is just another form of anxiety.
As we're talking my cell goes off with a text message from Happy Tuesday, he's got the kid with him so he's just at his moms house now. Text him when I'm done.
I shake my head.
My session is finally over and I'm headed to my car and texting Happy Tuesday once inside. I stay in the Publix parking lot waiting for his reply, I ask him can I please come visit anyways, a friendly visit, we don't need to hookup I just want to talk.
He takes forever to respond and then says sorry I can't.
His stepson has a big mouth and will tell mommy everything.
I'm pissed and tell him fine goodbye.

Tell Mommy everything, oh folks.
This is his Ex girlfriend he's living with  (roommates) he babysits she works.
I feel like the dirty little secret, I don't get why its any of her business. I guess because he still loves her and doesn't want to ruin that chance reunion.
I have nowhere to go now but back home.
I head to Publix for some Ricotta cheese to make a Baked Ziti for dinner later.
I feel like throwing the cookies out the fucking window!
I'm so stupid.
Why do I keep believing in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt?
Why do I always attract the losers and weirdos and stalkers?
I get home and my husband is here and all I wanna do is just cry because I feel so sad and pathetic.
I can't cry not yet, my husband sees my face and hears the commotion in the kitchen and takes a hike with my kid to the Park.
Now I can cry.
I haven't spoken to the boy all day, I don't know if I even should, there's another person who's time I'm wasting.
Its not like we're ever going to see each other, no matter how many I miss you he utters it doesn't mean shit when I'm here alone.
Anyways he doesn't even know me, not the real me, the fucked up, abused, eating disordered, depressed, neurotic me.
He thinks I'm normal, if he knew who I really was he may not want to deal with all that although he says otherwise.
I may tell him soon, what's the point in pretending.
I'm not meant to be happy, or ever fall in love again, I think God wants me to stay stuck in this sham of a marriage forever.
At least my husband enables my Eating Disorder, I should be happy about that, makes the punishments I give myself more valid.
I don't think things are going to change for me, not like how I envision.
I think after a certain age in your life there are no such things as Dreams.
So now I'm going to finish making dinner and then go workout followed by picking at my face and legs.
I'm really sad now and in no mood to talk to anyone.
Loser is as loser does.
I hope Happy Tuesday gets the hint and leaves me alone.
I feel bad ignoring the boy but I'm just not in that mood, he'll make me sadder, he's so sweet and I can't see him. I don't want to say the wrong thing to him because of my sour disposition.
I don't get why God puts people in your life sometimes, what is the purpose.
Tomorrow is my daughter's open house, maybe I'll feel better then.
I wanna answer SmallasaPanda's question about how I make my Iced Coffee..
Now be warned if you count calories this may be a turn off, Coffee and Creamer are the one thing that I don't deny myself, I average about 100-150 calories, I burn it off anyways with exercise so it doesn't drive me mad, we gotta allow ourselves little pleasures sometimes.
So here it is sweetie.

Brew in your coffee pot four (4) cups water.
Half and Half creamer, your desired amount.
Three (3) tablespoons Instant French Vanilla Cappuccino Mix.
Add Desired amount of Sugar to your taste.
Mix in Container and Chill in freezer for five minutes to let coffee cool.

In the meantime, crush Ice in Blender. One Whole tray should do.
Once coffee is no longer hot, dump contents into crushed ice in Blender..

Set Blender to Mix for a few seconds  then Cream for a minute more..

And there you have it, Iced Coffee.
If you don't like French Vanilla you can find other flavors, you could also add Flavored Syrups of your choice or Spices like Cinnamon too. Experiment away!
Hope you make your own soon, super easy and way cheaper then Starbucks.

Okay so that's it, back to the grind.
Stay strong lovelies and good luck. I hope those that are down in the dumps too can pull themselves out.
Tomorrow is another day to reset and get back on track.
(HUGS) to you all and sorry I can't be more cheery, on the plus side 24 days no Mia, feels good to have a break from that.
Here's to hopin it will be permanent..