Tis the season

Hi everyone.
Omigosh am actually blogging!

So It's Tuesday night and I just got out of work an hour ago from that chaotic store.
I'm so tired.
Although that store drives me mad I actually wanted to work there this week, Dragon dropped a bombshell on me last week and told me that I would NOT be working for a complete week, the 23rd on she said. Looks like my little home store has only a 30 hour budget and I'm only part time so I get the ax!
I just paid my 145$ cell phone bill and finally got my Internet bill a jaw dropping $130.00
I have to make rent too but minus a full week of work means I'll be short 400 something dollars.
Shit.
Christmas is upon us and sadly Santa will be filling our stockings with coal this year.
I haven't told my daughter yet that this year I just can't afford presents.
Me working at that awful chaotic store means I'll maybe just have enough to cover Rent and Internet bills, not much else.
I'm very frustrated and stressed out.
I know I'm not the only one but that doesn't bring me comfort, a lot of my loved ones are skipping presents this year too.

Lets talk about work now.
Well my preggers pharmacist comes back on the 29th and I couldn't be happier.
I know she will be very upset to see the dire straights our Pharmacy has been experiencing with Dragon at the helm.
I'm hoping (God forgive me) that Preggers (who's gon need a new moniker since sans baby) will just ask the powers that be to transfer Dragon out. I like Dragon... sometimes, she's probably a very lovely person outside of work but lately has been just pissing me off. I think the stress of a job as Pharmacy Manager may be getting to her.
She may need to brush up on people skills.
A lot of people skills.
I've been dreading working with her. She doesn't know how to communicate. She's not much in the teaching Dept. either which doesn't help me.
I think she expects me to know it all which I don't, truth is I don't spend enough time in Home store to know all the ends and outs.
You all can't imagine how my self esteem dwindles, how stupid and inadequate I feel at work, how she makes me feel.
I'm just not cut out for that job.
Sometimes I feel great just floating somewhere else because other stores just feel so grateful having me. For instance just this week at Chaotic store whenever I punch in everyone is like "Yay! Lou is here alright Dream Team in the House!"
That makes me feel amazing. I feel needed, appreciated.
At my home store Floater pharmacist who loves my Electronic Dance music, tells me good things, like for example she told me I had highest score in "Action Notes" which just means anytime I have to call patients back for pharmacy issues. See, I wouldn't know if I'm doing a good job or not unless someone tells me otherwise I just think I'm a huge fuck up.
I don't get that positivity from Dragon, she only points out mistakes.
Its hard to keep up that respect for your Boss if they make it difficult.

We did Secret Santa today at work, I really should have said I didn't want to participate because frankly its very hypocritical of me to spend money on a stranger when I can't even spoil my family and friends with any gifts, but I did, because I still love my Home Store and the rest of the staff that works there.
So I said sure I'll play. That almost blew up in my face the second I stuck my hand in the bag with names.
One of my Managers, "Spunky" wrote in her cursive handwriting all the names. I can't understand her handwriting!
OMG! I have no idea who's my Secret Santa.
I have to do Detective work now to decipher it.
The cap on gifts is $25.
I have no idea.
Literally.

Anyways, I'm hanging in there.
Monday was really hard.
I had a very rude customer who called me a "Stupid Bitch" 3 times.
I felt so mad I held in my tears and asked to go on my break. I proceeded to run to the Ladies Room to cry. I spent the rest of my drive home in tears and cried the rest of the night.
I didn't treat the customer badly or anything, I had a small line of people and the customer stood away from my register, when I said can I help the next person in line? The woman before him, in the line came to my register and he was very upset that I didn't tend to him first. He didn't even look like he was in line. He got loud. He was very disrespectful. He embarrassed me. I just stood there and took it saying nothing rude to him, trying my best to make him see sense in the misunderstanding but to no avail.

Today at work (the chaotic store) was tough too. I worked so much picking up slack here and there.
God, work is hard.

Anyways.

Life outside of work is the same.
Bills, Depression and ED.

I've been very sick with the flu, have been working while sick because I need the money very badly.

My daughter isn't doing so well in school, her teacher says she needs "Focus."
Even going so far as to tell me to Google things to make her focus.
I'm at my wits end with her.
I think I may have to just have her tested for ADHD.
See a psychologist even, I feel so very alone in Parenting.
My Ex isn't talking to me anymore. He's been more concerned with my Boyfriend sleeping at my house every weekend and not much else.
I'm so tired of being the only Adult around here.
I can't count on my Ex to help me problem solve things with my Daughter.
So I continue to do it alone.

Alone.
I'm very much alone all the time.
Too broke to go out, working all the time. I'm very much marooned on an Island of my own making.
My family is far away and so are any real friends I have.

I sometimes think of a future ahead where I'm essentially Mute.
Mute because there is no other person to talk to. Because everyone I know is somewhere else.
Mute because anything worth thinking is solely in my head.
Mute because I am so utterly Depressing and Boring I have run out of things to say that are worth hearing anymore.
Maybe I'd be doing everyone a huge favor if I just never spoke again.

My Eating Disorder is the same.
It doesn't let me enjoy anything so I constantly deny myself everything.
I'm still Fat. Still have about 30lbs of extra weight that I regret gaining with each breath I take.
Nothing worth wearing fits.
Getting dressed is such a hassle.
Living in this skin is such a hassle.
The swollen reflection that stares back at me in the mirror everyday is not worth living.
Doesn't deserve food.
Doesn't deserve a lot of things and sometimes a small part of me rejoices in the struggle because frankly I'm so very much put in my proper place.
How dare I think things should be different when I've done nothing to rectify anything.
I've just been very lazy when I used to be so disciplined.
No stupid, silly girl, you are exactly where you should be, you want better in this life then my dear be Better!

Writing.
The Novel is stuck on Chapter 13.
I have writers block.
I don't think my goal of finishing it this year will happen.
So another year where disappointment of my own making will continue.

I wish I had better things to say, good news!
But I don't.
I just have the reality that this is it. Maybe this is as good as it may get for awhile.
I just can't seem to push past enough hurdles to make any real progress.
Not just yet anyways.

Maybe the problem is just me.
Some people are meant to be Martyrs, meant to be examples, Cautionary Tales..
Maybe I should stop expecting things to look different.

So that's it for now.
I'm heading to bed, have a Secret Santa Mystery to solve tomorrow.
I'll leave you all with the pic of the name I pulled.
If any of you could break this code than I'm all ears.
Until then, happy Holidays.
We'll talk again soon.

Night.