Deal

I worked on Tuesday at the chaotic store, I met the new Pharmacy manager, she's very nice.
Very easy going, when I first got to the store everyone was quiet there wasn't that feeling like when you first walk into the Cheers bar and everyone knows your name vibe.
I also noticed this pharmacy had gone through a very much needed DE cluttering of random crap everywhere. It actually resembled a pharmacy for once.
Macy Gray's crack head cousin was there and we barely had words for one another. She was on production counting pills to her hearts delight for about the first three hours into my shift whilst I was stuck once again at the registers.
When her big ass went on break well I got in Production and there I stayed ALL NIGHT LONG.
Best shift ever.
I didn't help her ugly ass out for anything. Now she was stuck at the registers and dealing with people's crap.
The lead tech told me she may have Monday and Tuesday available for me next week.
I'm crossing my fingers.
I took Monday off from work because I knew Dragon was working.
When the Pharmacy Manager from that crazy store asked what other days was I available I didn't know what to say. I was trying to gamble and guess what days would Dragon most likely have?
I chose Wednesday, Thursday and not Friday.
Well Wednesday I get coffee at the Bakery. I'm already upset because on the drive there I saw Dragon's white Jetta sitting ominously in the parking lot.
Fuck.
She says Hi to me in her plastic tone and I get on Production as told to do so by her.
Catch up gets there at 10 and now the fun starts (not).
She tells him to get on Production too and to take customers from the front, I'll do drive thru and she will do Drop off and all the typing.
I feel bad for catch up because he cracks jokes and wants to talk to me and I want to talk to him too but it feels wrong to smile.
It kind of feels like you're in class and you have that one friend that's passing notes when the teachers not looking. I didn't want to get caught with the note in my hand so to speak. I didn't want Professor Dragon (Smaug) to be mad and call my attention.
We all got along somewhat okay and he and I knocked down production rather quickly.
Time went by so slowly. My head and feet hurt the whole time as I haven't been able to get new sneakers for work. I need something with support because I'm on my feet for 5-8 hours at a time with no break.
I have blisters on the bottom of all my toes.
I need new shoes.

I got looks and sighs from her and she was her usual uncaring self.
The only thing that God forgive me made my horrible workday turn around was a crazy customer she got that blew up on her in such a fashion he had to be escorted out the store by the manager and even got the police called on him although he was gone by the time they arrived.
He wanted his Rx's done but nothing was done and some things had no refills so Dragon wasn't too sympathetic to him, she has this way of talking to you like you're an errant child that would just about make Jesus throw a cup of wine in her face me thinks.
Well maybe not Jesus, but I'm sure Judas wouldn't have mind ratting her out to some Romans for no coins at all lets just say that.
It's like the more she spoke, the angrier he got, like an old version of the Hulk.
Well bottom line was he blew up on her (he went geriatric Hulk on her) telling her that she made an enemy and he didn't care if she was a woman he would beat some sense into her and he called her a racist.
He left and came back with more words for her and that's when he was escorted out.
No one should get treated like that but a small childish part of me was like Good you stupid bitch!
*sticks tongue out...blows raspberry!*
She was very upset, it was quite the show and suddenly I was grateful that this happened half an hour before I had to clock out and go home.
When I get home my neighbor hands me a package that the lovely Sarah had sent me in the post,
 a bunch of MLP swag for my Lil Miss B. and a book for me yay books! Nora Ephron's "I feel bad about my neck" which I hear is a hoot.
*stokes neck*
The package came on Tuesday love but I was working all day long so UPS gave it to my sweet lil neighbor who has terminal Cancer, the minute she saw my car she came to give me the loot.
My neighbor's hair is short now, she's doing the chemotherapy so it's falling out. On Wednesday she had a lot of color on her cheeks. I hope some miracle touches her. God Cancer is awful. My dad lived in a hospital and he did the treatment bit. I saw first hand what Cancer could do to someone's body. The hope one has right up until the very end that somehow they can pull through. I've seen both my parents die in front of me. Seeing people die does things to you. It stays with you.
I hope to never see someone I love die ever again.
I always think I'm next in line, except I'll go alone of course with my luck. I'll purge and have a heart attack and be found days later by my flamboyant building manager who will scream like the queen he is. I want to be cremated. I don't want to be in the ground.

Why are we talking about this again?
Right.
Anyways.


So!
I also get my W2 on Wednesday. I will do my taxes on Friday morning. I'm scared of what my return will be like. I need to fix my car and get Insurance coverage for the year. I can't afford a car insurance policy payment every month but maybe with my Income Tax I can separate 1yrs worth of payments and do it like that?
Car still needs major Tune up and fixing of Fuel injector leak.



Today Thursday.
 My car has weird smoke coming out of muffler. It's been kind of chilly here in Miami and lots of rain which is our snow sadly, I know when it rain a lot my car spits out water from muffler, maybe that's the culprit.
I work with the other Pharmacy Manager at the crazy store, not DRAGON.
Things are going fine. I'm in production, there's another male tech there.
Ha I say male tech, because lately I hardly work with Men.
I prefer it sometimes. Male Techs can be more moody than us girls.
I like him though, he's funny and hates customers. Two traits I love!
I punch out at two and go home.
The Pharmacy Manager is asking me what to do for next weeks schedule, I tell her I don't know just yet.
I purge today lots.
I even tried to keep Brown Rice down but had to puke it up because my stomach was in so much pain I was buckled over. Felt like something was tearing inside?
Not a good day for Ed.
Maybe I tooted my own horn to soon by announcing not bp for so many days?
I'm very sad and angry and confused. I want to just isolate myself from everyone.
I'm at an all time frustration level here.
My email on Yahoo got hacked. Someone has changed all of my security questions I can't even get new password texted to my phone because they changed that number too!
 I'm so upset, I've had this email forever and now I've lost everyone's email and I can't chat anyone with anyone :(
It's upsetting. I don't know how to fix this? Do any of you know?

I do my taxes tomorrow and am just full of worry and sadness. What if I don't make enough to cover anything?

I's be lying if I said losing weight isn't on my mind.
I feel so fucking FAT and out of control.
I'm so over the comfortable weight at this point.
My clothes don't fit like before so I don't go out anymore because I don't want to be seen because everyone that knows me points out just how FAT I am now.
I'm so Depressed.
Work is difficult because of Dragon again.
 I feel stuck.
I feel miserable.
Having faith right now is hard. What does this all MEAN!?
Are you putting the right people in my life cos sometimes it feels like I'm being laughed at.
I feel like joke.
She's so nice (stupid) she doesn't know any better.
I feel so lonely lately and depressed I'm at a conflict.
A huge part of me is mad and is saying "You know something fuck this! Let's be alone! You will like this." Another part of m just wants someone to be there for me because I need to feel loved and I need compassion too. Where is my compassion? *ECHO*
I'm not strong, I just am hanging on by a few invisible threads.
I just don't know what to do or feel anymore.


So guess what happens today.
It is almost 10pm.
My phone goes off and I get a text from one of my fav Pharmacist who now works on the beach.
"Hi Lou, it's me, can you please work on Monday from 2-9pm?"
My jaw drops!
YES!
OMG YES!
We chit chat a bit, and she will find more hours for me.
I have work on Monday and possibly more days where I won't even have to see Dragon and that awful store anymore!
So to summarize,
1) I will work with a RPH who loves my same genre of music and begs me to turn on the tunes during our shift
2) Is a total babe and sweetheart
3) Loves to teach me anything I don't know
4) Is willing to find me more hours
5) I'm a block away from MIAMI BEACH!

YES!
I don't care how much gas I gotta put I will gladly go to work at that store all the time if she allows it.


So maybe today started out bad in a sense and ended up better In another.
I'm all smiles and that's always good.

I love you all stay tuned!

God help me

Idk if anyone cares or not but have been 3 days bp and 2 days weight free. .

!@%!!! Humpday

Frenemies

Vlog Time!

Back to the grind

So its Monday again and that means Work.

I have absolutely no days at my Home Store this week.
So I'll be floating everyday with the exception of Thursday. I agreed to work at the pharmacy near my House but regretted it immediately, I'm scheduled to work there for 15hrs this week.
I forgot just how depressing and mean that store is.
Those old bastards are some mean sons of bitches!

I get to the store and park. It's too early and cold out today. As I park the lot is desolate at this time with the exception of a few cars and a Black Range Rover.
I know who's car is that...
I head to the pharmacy and it's my old pharmacist from the very first store I ever worked at. He smiles wide and wishes me a Happy New Year. The morning starts out okay...
The first asshole of the day is some Fat guy who's wearing his hat sideways and he's just too fucking old for that. God how annoying, I hate any man on principle who wears their hat sideways. makes me want to knock it off their fat head.
He has a piss poor attitude. First off I'm asking him what's his name and he mumbles some incoherent shit, I ask him again and he gets mad (%!!!@#! )
I can't understand what the hell he calls himself so I look him up by his birthday and try to put together the sounds he's made to conjure up some name.
I find one of his prescriptions and he tells me no sweetheart I have a LOT of meds to pick up.
Another man comes along and he starts to put me down in front of this guy.
"I hate this store, they always got some new cashier that doesn't know anything. I don't know where they find these people."
OMG!
First of all I got this guy pegged in 3 seconds.
He's one of those Tall fat guys that looks 9 months pregnant and dresses in matching Tshirts/pants combos you find at a flea market. He has way too much cheap cologne that's 98.9% pure rubbing alcohol. He's one of those disgusting guys who thinks that they are a ladies man on Payday when they go trolling for women they have to pay to even sit with them at bars. He's a misogynistic pig everywhere else.
I find all of his stupid medicines which he needs to keep his fat heart pumping and sugar down.
He turns to the man in line again and says while I start to scan his prescriptions with my scanner gun... "I guess the real pharmacists must have the day off."
I finally had enough of Kuato the Alien Stomach Man from the Total Recall movie!

 



 I tell him that I don't work at this store, I'm actually helping them out this week. Its not that I don't know what I'm doing is that I'm asking you you're name and your tooth must hurt cause it's hard understand what you're saying and they don't pay me on the side to be a psychic.

The man behind him laughs hard and Kuato is embarrassed. I'm not even smiling at this blob of a person.
After I've rung up his sorry ass shit he leaves and wishes me a great day.
The man behind him is just looking for some Arnica Cream and I tell him this is not my store but last time I was here it was on aisle 8, if it's not there come find me and we'll go look for it together.
The rest of the day was no better, these old geezers and their Insurance issues. I love how they get pissed at me like I am purposely denying their medications.

I couldn't be happier to be outta there at 2pm.

My sister was saying she was going to come down this weekend which actually turned out to be wrong it's next Friday smh.
My sister wants to cut my hair, she's always been the one to actually touch my hair since I don't really allow anyone else too.
I can just imagine the girl at the salon grabbing fistful of my hair and pointing out to me how awful it is.
I know how awful it is, the obvious is stated what most people don't know is why its the way it is. If you had an Eating Disorder it would be pretty fucking hard to have pretty hair that didn't fall out all the time.

My sister was the first and only person to cut my hair when it was at it's most longest length and damaged beyond comprehension. She didn't know about my ED then and that's when I first started accepting my disease and the very visible battle scars it left behind.

 

 

 

Seems like ages ago, when its actually only been like 4 years ago.

I don't know if my hair could even grow past my shoulders anymore although its trying. Some weeks are good and my hair doesn't fall out at all and most other days makes me sit on the bathroom floor in tears because it won't stop falling out and I should give up on the idea of growing it out altogether.

Now if I had my way I would just keep having it short, what's the point in pretending anymore. I'd absolutely love to just go all Miley Cyrus and shave the thing entirely!

 

 





A small part of me is still hopeful. Has HOPE.

Says you have gained weight yes, you're no longer able to fit children's clothing, your butt sticks out and your face is fuller. Sometimes your collar bones don't show at all, sometimes your hair falls out but it's longer than New years Eve 2012 when you decided to cut it again..

 

 

 

 



 

 

Maybe you can somehow turn all this around to your advantage. How bad would it be to just try to accept this as your life.

 

I swear I try. I even tear up right now as I write this because there's something in me that doesn't want to loosen the reins. Doesn't want to just say this is me, this is who I am now.

I've never known a life that didn't have this despair in it. I'm scared to know this version of myself.

I don't know her, she seems like a weak person. Someone who gets hurt a lot and taken for granted. Someone who just accepts things as they are and doesn't reach for more because it all seems so far. She doesn't speak up. She's meek.

I was something once, damaged as I was I still was a force to be reckoned with, over the years I have eroded away into a fragile dune, with each wind gust more goes away.

 

I don't feel strong, I feel weak.

I feel sick.

I've never felt this sick before as I do now. Every purge or behavior is resonating like a giant dong on a bell.

How can I change this, find who I am and embrace it?

 

How does anyone do this all alone and make it?

 

It could always be worse I know.

I wish I could just wake up and say today will be different and it actually is.

I read somewhere that the difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude.

If only I could separate the two.

 

 

 

 "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." –Oscar Wilde   

 

 



 

 

 



2014

Happy New year?
What's so great about it?

I'm exhausted. I don't know if you all are aware or not but the beginning of the year aka January is the worst time a year to be a pharmacy tech.
Every year Insurance Companies confuse everyone with terminating coverage's or not reissuing replacement cards in time. The average Joe Plumber has no idea that's anything's wrong until something's wrong.
And of course the evil Pharmacist and company must also be behind all of these high copays or lack of ready fills. So no one was pleased to hear me say 'Do you have Insurance? Do you have a new card? Your medication's copay has gone up from $0.00 to $375.99..'
Ugh I hate people today. I hate Obama Care.

I've been on HOLD most of the day with Insurance companies. I could probably hum every sad stupid holding song they play. It's the same for everyone I called, typical phone calls go like this.
"If you're a member press 1, for English press 2, For Español oprime el 3..Please hold wait times are significantly larger than usual." pfft no shit!
God everything had rejections today.
No one left the pharmacy happy.

Today sucked and I was tired. I worked with New Mommy Central today aka as Preggers sans baby.
This is my second time working with her since she's had the baby. The baby is adorable now 3 months old.
Looking at baby pics makes my womb ache.
Working with New Mommy Central is different. She's breastfeeding so that means we have to accommodate her breasts into work. They are like two new hires working with us.
I also have dubbed her New Mommy Central because she's all about baby talk.
She told me two stories today one of them involved her breast milk spilling out milk after baby latched off in a dramatic fashion via sprinkler. Then story two involved her newborn not pooing for 8 days and an emergency trip to Pediatrician in which doc told her breast milk is essentially absorbed all into his body, there would hardly be any waste and then she went into details about the coloring of her sons poop (it's mustard colored btw).
So yea work is different.
She must pump at certain times so last time she pumped in employee bathroom and she hated it. Today I told her if it was okay for us to put a screen or curtain in the back of the pharmacy there she could pump it up all she wants, she loved this idea and so I made my very first impromptu pumping station in the back for her.

In January they are cutting hours again but it kind of works to my advantage because I have been floating on the beach all week.
New Mom Central gave me her blessing to not work at my home store on days I didn't want to if other stores were going to give me more hours.
I love it!
You know why??
Well my lovelies its because I can avoid working with the dreaded Dragon!
For instance there's a store near my house who just lost a tech so I get first dibs at that store and I'm going to tell my home store not to schedule me on Monday or Tuesday next week which would be the days I have Dragon.
I can't work with her, she doesn't do well under pressure and right now with all this Obama Care shit she will go nuclear tomorrow.
I have no choice but to work with her on Friday but as of next week no!
I'll go back to my home store on Wednesday and work with New Mommy Central and all will be right in the world.

I've been working a lot. I even worked Wednesday which was a holiday so I got time and a half.
I have new connections to other stores and I love it.
I even met a celebrity last week, Miami Heat Coach Pat Riley who stopped by.
My boyfriend loves him and the Miami Heat so you can imagine the size of his eyes bugging out in glee.
I also got to speak to Gloria Estefan from the Miami Sound Machine. She was going to bake cookies for the pharmacy and bring them by on Christmas.

My week has been busy but good.

I like floating, it suits me.

I got my Secret Santa gift from a coworker I love, this very sweet man who makes me coffee everyday. He got me a basket from WalMart that has  lotions and smelly bath stuff.
I don't care for baskets.
But I faked a smile and hugged him profusely giving him a peck on the cheek.
It's a funny story actually because I didn't know he was even my secret Santa until halfway through my shift. I saw him in the morning and he kept staring at me expectantly to which I responded "Yes? where's my coffee?'
Later I found out it was him and we both had a good chuckle about it.

I worked Tuesday a very long shift at the chaotic store which turned out to be New Year's Eve.
I was supposed to work at my home store in the morning and with Dragon of all people.
I decided to text her and tell her I wasn't coming in because I had a longer shift at another store.

She wasn't too pleased even went as far as to tell me she bought me a Christmas present. (I saw present today, she gave me a mason jar with ingredients to make hot cocoa, also a miniature bottle of Baileys liquor attached, I can only guess its intention is for a sort of spiked cocoa mix?)

 I didn't care, I didn't want to deal with her. She's been cutting my hours and plus she gets on my nerves now.

At the chaotic store that same Tuesday was busy but I spent most of my shift at Drop Off typing all night.
I got home later and started drinking till midnight, then I went to bed and rung in the New Year in my sleep.

I don't have a reasonable resolution this year, I have some things I would like to do most of these things involve losing weight and exercising more, maybe even trying to find acceptance in my job. Not getting so stressed out or letting other people affect me so.
The rest are just silly things like call the people I love more, be a better friend, be a better Mom, splurge more on me and not just work to pay bills. Go out more, drive more to further places I normally wouldn't bother with.
Keep writing more when the mood suits me, finish this Novel already and try to self publish or submit my Novel to various publishing houses and hope some editor takes pity on me and thinks my crap is readable.

Eating disordered wise I've been doing less behaviors and I still hate my body but I'm trying to get in shape somehow. I don't know how that would even be possible as I work all the time and hardly have time to do much else.

My ex is speaking to me again, Sunday when he got my daughter we talked.
He shook my hand and said sorry.
I told him that I've done nothing wrong. I don't get why he is so upset. We have to get along for my daughters sake.
So he's been okay.

My daughter can't get on MineCraft, the sweet Peridot has given me a code to enter but OMG the stupid game keeps crashing and saying condescending messages to me like "Oops my Bad, Error, We're sorry, What's happened, who let the party crasher in?"
I have no idea what's going on. I hate technology.

I have no idea how to install anything I need a Geek squad Intervention.

Anyways, I've been hanging in there just too tired most of the time to care about a lot of things.
I threw my back out or something have been in a lot of pain. It's finally settling down but it was bad.

I hope all of you are having lovely holidays and are feeling much better.
I have no idea in the slightest as to what this New Years will bring but I will try to endure and pray it's better than these last two years.

I miss Blogging and hope to write more. Forgive me when I can't.
Follow me on social sites to know I'm still alive, I'm on practically everything that requires an email address.

I love you all and will say goodnight.
Happy New Years to you all!