Back to the grind

So its Monday again and that means Work.

I have absolutely no days at my Home Store this week.
So I'll be floating everyday with the exception of Thursday. I agreed to work at the pharmacy near my House but regretted it immediately, I'm scheduled to work there for 15hrs this week.
I forgot just how depressing and mean that store is.
Those old bastards are some mean sons of bitches!

I get to the store and park. It's too early and cold out today. As I park the lot is desolate at this time with the exception of a few cars and a Black Range Rover.
I know who's car is that...
I head to the pharmacy and it's my old pharmacist from the very first store I ever worked at. He smiles wide and wishes me a Happy New Year. The morning starts out okay...
The first asshole of the day is some Fat guy who's wearing his hat sideways and he's just too fucking old for that. God how annoying, I hate any man on principle who wears their hat sideways. makes me want to knock it off their fat head.
He has a piss poor attitude. First off I'm asking him what's his name and he mumbles some incoherent shit, I ask him again and he gets mad (%!!!@#! )
I can't understand what the hell he calls himself so I look him up by his birthday and try to put together the sounds he's made to conjure up some name.
I find one of his prescriptions and he tells me no sweetheart I have a LOT of meds to pick up.
Another man comes along and he starts to put me down in front of this guy.
"I hate this store, they always got some new cashier that doesn't know anything. I don't know where they find these people."
OMG!
First of all I got this guy pegged in 3 seconds.
He's one of those Tall fat guys that looks 9 months pregnant and dresses in matching Tshirts/pants combos you find at a flea market. He has way too much cheap cologne that's 98.9% pure rubbing alcohol. He's one of those disgusting guys who thinks that they are a ladies man on Payday when they go trolling for women they have to pay to even sit with them at bars. He's a misogynistic pig everywhere else.
I find all of his stupid medicines which he needs to keep his fat heart pumping and sugar down.
He turns to the man in line again and says while I start to scan his prescriptions with my scanner gun... "I guess the real pharmacists must have the day off."
I finally had enough of Kuato the Alien Stomach Man from the Total Recall movie!

 



 I tell him that I don't work at this store, I'm actually helping them out this week. Its not that I don't know what I'm doing is that I'm asking you you're name and your tooth must hurt cause it's hard understand what you're saying and they don't pay me on the side to be a psychic.

The man behind him laughs hard and Kuato is embarrassed. I'm not even smiling at this blob of a person.
After I've rung up his sorry ass shit he leaves and wishes me a great day.
The man behind him is just looking for some Arnica Cream and I tell him this is not my store but last time I was here it was on aisle 8, if it's not there come find me and we'll go look for it together.
The rest of the day was no better, these old geezers and their Insurance issues. I love how they get pissed at me like I am purposely denying their medications.

I couldn't be happier to be outta there at 2pm.

My sister was saying she was going to come down this weekend which actually turned out to be wrong it's next Friday smh.
My sister wants to cut my hair, she's always been the one to actually touch my hair since I don't really allow anyone else too.
I can just imagine the girl at the salon grabbing fistful of my hair and pointing out to me how awful it is.
I know how awful it is, the obvious is stated what most people don't know is why its the way it is. If you had an Eating Disorder it would be pretty fucking hard to have pretty hair that didn't fall out all the time.

My sister was the first and only person to cut my hair when it was at it's most longest length and damaged beyond comprehension. She didn't know about my ED then and that's when I first started accepting my disease and the very visible battle scars it left behind.

 

 

 

Seems like ages ago, when its actually only been like 4 years ago.

I don't know if my hair could even grow past my shoulders anymore although its trying. Some weeks are good and my hair doesn't fall out at all and most other days makes me sit on the bathroom floor in tears because it won't stop falling out and I should give up on the idea of growing it out altogether.

Now if I had my way I would just keep having it short, what's the point in pretending anymore. I'd absolutely love to just go all Miley Cyrus and shave the thing entirely!

 

 





A small part of me is still hopeful. Has HOPE.

Says you have gained weight yes, you're no longer able to fit children's clothing, your butt sticks out and your face is fuller. Sometimes your collar bones don't show at all, sometimes your hair falls out but it's longer than New years Eve 2012 when you decided to cut it again..

 

 

 

 



 

 

Maybe you can somehow turn all this around to your advantage. How bad would it be to just try to accept this as your life.

 

I swear I try. I even tear up right now as I write this because there's something in me that doesn't want to loosen the reins. Doesn't want to just say this is me, this is who I am now.

I've never known a life that didn't have this despair in it. I'm scared to know this version of myself.

I don't know her, she seems like a weak person. Someone who gets hurt a lot and taken for granted. Someone who just accepts things as they are and doesn't reach for more because it all seems so far. She doesn't speak up. She's meek.

I was something once, damaged as I was I still was a force to be reckoned with, over the years I have eroded away into a fragile dune, with each wind gust more goes away.

 

I don't feel strong, I feel weak.

I feel sick.

I've never felt this sick before as I do now. Every purge or behavior is resonating like a giant dong on a bell.

How can I change this, find who I am and embrace it?

 

How does anyone do this all alone and make it?

 

It could always be worse I know.

I wish I could just wake up and say today will be different and it actually is.

I read somewhere that the difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude.

If only I could separate the two.

 

 

 

 "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." –Oscar Wilde