Monday and that means getting up way too early.
I had a rough night last night, I was dizzy the whole night, not to mention freezing. It got so bad at one point I had to put the thermostat down to 80 degrees. I managed to go go the whole of yesterday without eating a single thing.
This morning as I dressed my daughter and we shuffled quickly out the door for school, I began to feel fatigued. Driving lately has triggered my anxiety. I always feel like I'm about to pass out behind the wheel.
My daughter was all strapped in her seat as was I, getting ready to pull out and drive away and a stranger suddenly peered his head into my down passenger side window and exclaimed "Jesus loves you woman."
I couldn't help but yell back thank you and God bless you too.
I know God loves me, that's a given. If only I could love me..I didn't find it odd at all that God sends me little notes through people, known or otherwise.
The rest of the morning went by rather dull. I decided to get in an early morning workout with the usual routine that accompanied it. My protein shake (55 little calories) and a sleuth of supplements to keep me going.
Usually I'd be binging and purging already, but it seems that anorexia has pushed the bulimia away. This new sadness and depression that is looming has caused this odd exchange. I welcome it. I was fed up and tired of throwing up, of constantly having to be bent over the toilet bowl. To keep having to bring back up the huge binges that I would have. It goes down pretty easy, but you'd be surprised what hurts coming back up. Its exhausting, physically and mentally. I am tired of Mia, I hope she goes away and never returns.
Ah Ana! I feel as though I have a little extra energy now, not to mention time. I have a lot more freed up space not having to cook meals or eat them. I also have time now thanks to the sudden break between my High school chum and I. I hadn't realized how much time he consumed from me. There would be nights, almost every night that my insomnia allowed conversations between us to take place to the very wee hours of the night.
It still sadness me that this "good friend" would just toss me aside. I honestly felt kinda betrayed. I'm also a little angry, but he was becoming a trigger for me anyways. Triggers can be people, arguments, anger, anything, they set you off into the spiral.
When I'm triggered, I punish myself with the b/p. Believe me, it is a punishment I would never wish on anyone.
I've always endured. Somehow, and I am no longer even surprised anymore, the ones closest to me always burn me one way or another. So I take this as another learning experience. Sad as it is the eating disorder and the comfort of others that suffer this affliction with me are the only ones that are ever really there for me. I know some people frown upon Pro Ana sites, but without them I know that I would be 100 times more frustrated. Strangers from everywhere connected by their secrets.
So as the day continued so does the dizziness and now chest pains. I know its all ED related. My menstrual cycle is disrupted.
I suffer from (PCOS) Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome. Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems.
Well seeing as I have this, my period has been on for about three weeks now.
Oh that's nothing though I once had it for two whole months! (I was such a joy to be around). So I think the loss of all that blood combined with the Ed are making me see stars. I think Wednesday I will have to got to the Emergency Room and see what they can do for me. I know that I am dehydrated and low on all my levels. I just hope that the subject of do I have an eating disorder doesn't come up. I'm not ready for treatment. No thank you, not anytime soon.
I haven't lost any weight today, I am currently stuck at 145lbs. Today I haven't b/p all day today either. The anorexia is taking hold of me finally.
My new obsession is bones. I can clearly see my collarbone at any angle now. I love it. Its like the real me is buried underneath all of the layers of fat. I love to rub my hands over it and feel the hardness and definition of it. It feels like the old me trying to come to the surface. I'm proud to display them.
The anorexia will take its toll on my body in different ways than the bulimia. I soon will find out.
Anorexia Nervosa
Anorexia is characterized by a significant weight loss resulting from excessive dieting. Most women and an increasing number of men are motivated by the strong desire to be thin and a fear of becoming obese. Anorexics consider themselves to be fat, no matter what their actual weight is. Often anorexics do not recognize they are underweight and may still "feel fat" at 80 lbs. Anorexics close to death will show you on their bodies where they feel they need to lose weight. In their attempts to become even thinner, the anorexic will avoid food and taking in calories at all costs, which can result in death. An estimated 10 to 20% will eventually die from complications related to it
Anorexics usually strive for perfection. They set very high standards for themselves and feel they always have to prove their competence. They usually always put the needs of others ahead of their own needs. A person with anorexia may also feel the only control they have in their lives is in the area of food and weight. If they can't control what is happening around them, they can control their weight. Each morning the number on the scale will determine whether or not they have succeeded or failed in their goal for thinness. They feel powerful and in control when they can make themselves lose weight. Sometimes focusing on calories and losing weight is their way of blocking out feelings and emotions. For them, it's easier to diet then it is to deal with their problems directly. Anorexics usually have low self-esteem and sometimes feel they don't deserve to eat. The anorexics usually deny that anything is wrong. Hunger is strongly denied. They usually resist any attempts to help them because the idea of therapy is seen only as a way to force them to eat. Once they admit they have a problem and are willing to seek help, they can be treated effectively through a combination of psychological, nutritional and medical care.
Signs and Symptoms
Noticeable weight loss
Becoming withdrawn
Excessive exercise
Fatigue
Always being cold
Muscle weakness
Obsession with food, calories, recipes
Excuses for not eating meals (ie. ate earlier, not feeling well)
Unusual eating habits (ie. cutting food into tiny pieces, picking at food)
Noticeable discomfort around food
Complaining of being "too fat", even when thin Cooking for others, but not eating themselves
Restricting food choices to only diet foods
Guilt or shame about eating
Depression, irritability, mood swings
Evidence of vomiting, laxative abuse, diet pills or diuretics to control weight
Irregular menstruation
Amenorrhea(loss of menstruation)
Wearing baggy clothes to hide weight loss
Frequently checking weight on scale
Fainting spells and dizziness
Difficulty eating in public
Very secretive about eating patterns
Pale complexion (almost a pasty look)
Headaches
Perfectionist attitude
Feelings of self worth determined by what is or is not eaten
No known physical illness that would explain weight loss
Physical/Medical Complications
Fatigue and lack of energy
Amenorrhea(loss of menstruation)
Skin problems Dizziness and headaches
Dehydration
Shortness of breath
Irregular heartbeats
Cold hands and feet
Bloating
Constipation
Hair loss
Stomach pains
Decreased metabolic rate
Edema (water retention)
Lanugo(fine downy hair)
Loss of bone mass
Kidney and liver damage
Electrolyte imbalances
Osteoporosis Insomnia
Anemias
Infertility
Depression
Cathartic colon(caused from laxative abuse)
Low potassium (most common cause of nocturnal cardiac arrest)
Cardiac arrest and death
There it is folks..and with this I will call it a night.
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