So today I've decided to get these voices out of my head and somewhere else. This seemed cheaper than a therapist.
I have an eating disorder, I've had it since March 4th, 2010 (my birthday by the way). I have Bulimia. I binge and then I purge about 4-5 times a day.
Binge: a bout of excessive eating
Purge: to clear or empty
Yes I've lost a considerable amount of weight, but I've also lost a many other things.
I've lost the ability to communicate with others properly, I've lost the joy of eating. I've lost most of my friendships (my Eating Disorder isolates me).
I've lost concentration and motivation, not to mention energy.
If I had my way, I would lock myself up in my room and B/P all day.
I do not have that luxury, I am a mother, a sister, and wife. Life on the outside requires my daily attendance.
I have constant chest pain, an irregular heartbeat, and a massive headache. Not to mention at times my teeth hurt..
I could have a seizure or heart attack at any given notice.
You think all these things would stop me, that I would quit this lifestyle and seek treatment. No.
I cannot stop, not alone. I don't even know how?
The bathroom scale is the first thing I do in the morning, even before brushing my teeth. If the numbers aren't down, then my day will be miserable.
My life revolves around calories and numbers.
If by some chance I decide to eat anything at all, a great deal must go into knowing what I'm allowing myself to digest.
I would restrict my caloric intake to about 200 or less. There are days where only 80 calories are consumed. The majority of the time though, I allow myself nothing at all. Everything is sent into the nearest toilet. I also exercise a lot, never in a million years would I have said that jogging was a favorite of mines. The eating disorder, the laxatives, the supplements, the exercise, the lies...
This is my daily reality.
Today is different. Today my shallow breathing and Anxiety Disorder have caused a stir in me. No one knows of my secret life, this addiction that has invaded my body. I've recently reconnected with an old high school acquaintance through Face Book, we seemed to be getting along wonderfully, I've allowed him to know things of my past that I've never told anyone including about my ED.
We developed into something I considered to be a mutual attraction. I thought that this was someone I could let into my life and finally be safe with. I was dead wrong. I was a merely the half time show before the big game came back on the television.
This person has reunited with his ex-girlfriend and now is right as rain. I get updates from Face Book on his happiness. This sudden realization caused a trigger in me. Only this one insignificant individual truly knew about me, and I came to see that secrets are just wrong, in all aspects of your life. I decided to come clean about my disorder to those closest to me. It was important in the event of my sudden death or hospitalization. So here I am today. Telling whoever has Internet access about this little piece of me.
You know my name, but you don't know my story..until now.
Something odd has also happened with this confession, for the first time in months, I have gone a complete 24hrs without binging/purging...That is both good and bad. Good because I feel as though I've given Mia the ol' heave ho!
Bad because now Ana is here, and she is a fierce one. I am not scared, I am better today. I am getting closer to my happiness. I am embracing the anorexia.
My life is not much, but it is mines to do with what I will. I've started this blog in the hopes that my venting will encourage others to also vent and look closely at their life, this is not a fad diet, this is a sentence. I am my own jailer. This is what I've chosen.
Here's hoping that Mia is gone for good..
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| Bulimia Nervosa |
And now here is a little bit of information, I do not encourage this lifestyle to anyone. So here it is in case you do not have the facts..
Medical Effects of Bulimia
Bulimia causes dehydration and low levels of potassium, magnesium, and sodium in the blood. It causes anemia (low iron in the blood). It causes an irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia). Over time it weakens the heart muscle and can lead to heart failure. Dehydration and vitamin deficiencies can contribute to kidney and liver problems as well.
Bulimia can cause diarrhea, constipation, and other intestinal problems. The acidic content of vomit damages the teeth and the esophagus. It can cause stomach ulcers and sores inside the mouth. In severe cases, the stomach can even rupture.
Bulimia causes hormonal imbalances leading to an absent or irregular menstrual period in women. It can cause infertility.
Bulimia causes generalized muscle weakness and overall fatigue. People with bulimia may lack the energy for daily activities and may became lethargic and withdrawn.
People with bulimia may be of normal body weight, which they maintain by purging after binging. In many cases, however, they are underweight, sometimes dangerously so.
Psychological Effects of Bulimia
The psychological effects of bulimia are very serious, as well. Inpatient mental health treatment is often required, followed up by outpatient care. Medical treatment alone will not be sufficient; treatment for bulimia must include a psychological component. The medical effects of bulimia must be treated and the patient medically stable before psychological treatment can begin, however.
People with bulimia may be suffering from clinical depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or other psychiatric illnesses. If so, these disorders must be treated along with the bulimia. This may involve psychotropic medication.
Psychological effects of bulimia include feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem. These things may contribute to causing bulimia, but can also be consequences of bulimia. It can become a vicious circle.
People with bulimia tend to obsess about their weight and their appearance. They do not have a realistic body image and may believe they are overweight when in fact they are underweight.
Treatment for the psychological effects of bulimia involves addressing the above issues and teaching the patient new coping skills.
Social Effects of Bulimia
The social effects of bulimia are often not talked about or treated, but they are just as important as the psychological effects. In fact, the two are very much related to each other.
Due to the fatigue brought on by the condition, people with bulimia may not have the energy to socialize. For that reason, and because they are so focused on food and on their weight, they may have difficulty developing and maintaining relationships with others.
In addition, people with bulimia are often clinically depressed. Symptoms of depression include low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. These feelings can lead to social isolation and withdrawal.
Treating the social effects of bulimia may involve group therapy and/or family therapy. It may also involve teaching social skills, communication skills, and leisure skills. Successful treatment programs are those that address all the effects of bulimia, including the social effects.
Still think its a diet? To all those who suffer this disorder with me, you are not alone. There are others who share your suffering.
Well thanks for reading..I'll post again 2moro.
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