Backwards

                                                                                             Mood:Sleepy

I knew it.

Weight 121, you see this is why I don't drink anything. Its a gain. I'm full of Gatorade, water, and a protein shake. Ugh hate going backwards!

I'm grateful that someone up there must like me and the Lulu show didn't get cancelled yesterday, I guess I must be entertaining after all. I'm alive and have another chance. So its really time to prioritize and get this goal achieved already. Thirty pounds will not stop me.
Last night I tried to sleep. The cold and pitch black of the room was soothing to some degree. I layed in the silence and tried to clear my mind of all that had happened.

Nightmares took hold of me all night long, one after another. It got so bad at one point I had to go shower and get online for a bit to calm down. The awful dreams came to me in randomness. The first were actual persons I knew, my husband appeared to me in a dream, we were sitting in a dark field under a red star filled sky. He was really drunk and had a bottle of Jameson Whiskey in has hand, his fingers clenching tight around the neck. He was a different drunk, a mean one, in my dream I was actually in fear of what he might do. He slurred and staggered this way and that all the while calling me out on all my months of secrecy, my double life. I had nothing to say, I could only take it. He then proceeded to douse himself with the liquor and light a match. It was awful, I think that was the worse of the series of nightmares last night. Some other dreams had vauge shapes trying to take me into darker darkness still. I had to get out of the bed finally. The hot shower was what I needed.



"The Nightmare"
Henry Fuseli  1782





 My husband came home from work late and was surprised to see me awake and on the computer. He was vivsibly exhausted, leaving work early to deal with my crisis and then having to return must've been pleasant to explain to his bosses. -It's Ok folks, she's fine, just needs a drink of water!
How awful, its not like I planned to be a nusance. He gives me a look, I turn red.
I start to feel better now that he's here, and so we talk for a moment. I don't tell him about the nightmare. I catch him looking at me, its an odd stare. Not concern but something else, how can I describe it?
He looks at me sometimes like he's noticing me..if what I just typed makes any sense. Like when you realize suddenly that someone you see everyday, the plain jane has morphed into beauty, he looks at me like he didn't know I could look this way. It makes me uncomfortable, I'm not used to those looks from him. We've been married for thirteen years, a lifetime it feels like. After all these years love is superfluous.
I'm past that now, I think having the bills paid on time and a roof over my daughter's head are more important than silly looks and hugs and kisses. No thank you, let's leave fairy tales in books shall we.
I'm able to sleep finally at some point. Its morning and I know the weight has gone up. I get on the scale and there it is. It could be worse I suppose. Now i'm a bit nervous to drive but I have no dizziness and take it as a omen. Its beautiful outside, a little windy and gloomy clouds as far as the eye can see. I love the rainy weather, maybe its the Pisces in me that years for the peace only water can bring. The drive is fine, I play my new Kings of Leon Cd on the way there, my daughter hums along to the music. "Mary" seems to be her favorite song, I agree.
I take a different route getting there, my usual is blocked under construction. I managed to even find a parking space close to the school's entrance and I'm able to walk and not fear falling over from a spell. A kiss goodbye for my daughter who's been getting Green again on the behavior chart, and I can go. The drive back home under the overcast sky is equally as pleasant.
I think today I should try to keep up with the water. I made tea already which I've chugged along with supps. I really want to workout and I'm going to need energy. Online last night and I found something that caught my eye.
Oral Rehydration Solutions Made at home.

I don't know yet? Maybe if I get desparate enough. Seems like a lot of work, you have to measure and be precise, litter this and level spoon that? Math is not my friend.
Geesh making Meth is easier than this, just kidding I've never cooked Meth before..Why what have you heard?

In any event I'm feeling better today so far, the gain is a bit triggering though. There's a ton of leftover Baked Spaghetti so I don't have to cook today at least.

On the other hand that means more chances of caving. I won't beat myself too much about it if it happens. Hoping the rest of the day will be better than yesterday, anything is better than yesterday!

I shudder just thinking about it all over again. Happy tuesday so far.

I wish I knew how to quit you..