I am at the hospital and its cold and bright. The smells are stagnant and the staff are walking around at a leisurely pace. I've been asked the same question by three different nurses..its gonna be a long day.
When I first awoke I headed straight to shower. I didn't even weigh myself yet. The fact that I ate yesterday has me worried that I've gained.
In the shower as I'm washing my hair, I hear a familiar voice..Mia decides to say hello to me.
You're going to the hospital aren't you?
Hospitals are nice, you can throw up as much and as loud as you please. Everyone's sick here, you have an excuse.
There are so many cafeteria's and look a McDonalds. Dunkin Donuts too, we like chocalate chip muffins.
It all starts to sound familiar, the urge.
I have to fight it though, I can't go backwards.
The shower is done, the voice is gone. I'm now all ready for the hospital. My husband is extra snappy with me this morning. There is a sharpness in his voice. I don't want to fight with him, these words would have to be the last he says to me before I enter the hospital. I don't know if he's mad that he has to take me to the hospital or if he's just mad at me period. My Ed and the bigger picture haven't hit him yet.
He gives me the generic "Eat something, you'll feel better."
If only it were about food. If only I could just eat and not have every fiber in my being screaming stop.
Now in the hospital I've been questioned, peed in a cup, blood pressure, EKG.
No answers for me yet only more questions.
I've been pampered suddenly-a stretcher all my own, and a thin white blanket to cover the already cold, misreable body I inhabit. I haven't taken any supplements today, I haven't eaten. Good.
New doctors now as the day comes along and the shifts change, residents trailing them trying to absorb it all, in hopes of one day themselves be in a little room asking the same repetition of questions. The newest doctor tall and clean shaven, dressed in all black scrubs come in and lets me know that my blood pressure and EKG show no signs of a heart attack. Good.
I've dodged a bullet. So far.
As I explained it all again, he narrows it down to anemia-his guess.
"We still need bloodwork."
The woman in the bed next to me is 92 years old with diabetes, she's fallen and bruised her legs. She is with her daughter and granddaughter. The endless chatter between them never ceases. I am so tired, all I want to do is sleep. Why won't they stop talking?
I pull my curtain closed and they lower their voices. I'm out for five minutes when a new cheery nurse comes in to start an IV. Normally needles don't hurt or scare me, this nurse however did not have gentle hands. She got the needle in and it was incredibly painful. Now the blood is drawn. I can only wonder what my results will say.
The chatter continues for ten more minutes before the old lady next to me is getting ready to be discharged. Now I'm being wheeled off to the OBGYN.
Ah maybe this is all anemia related? I dispise ultrasounds! They are so hummiliating. The stirrups, the dildo shaped probe they insert inside of you, removing your clothes in front of strangers. I feel like I'm owed a dinner after my gyno exams.
They manuver their instrument inside me and speak their medical jargon, I caught the part that said I have no fibroids and a tilted uterus. My results could only be shared with the ER physician. So now I'm wheeled back and the IV is dripping and I'm cold and sleepy. The alarm on the IV machine starts to beep loudly, it says Air in line on the screen.
Hmm Air in line? can't an air bubble kill you?
My only entertainment is the current drip of the Iv and the different nurses that come in my room and comment on my hair. So far I've counted five, they like the cut and color. I wonder what the rest of the day will be like for me? will the just eat comments continue. Well as I decide that it is ok to close my eyes and rest, there are two students at my door..Ms.?
Yes thats me. Great Students.
So they're City of Miami FireRescue (fireman). They're certified and wanting to get in further training. Fine by me. What else was I gonna say no thanks? try the next bed?
So they're giving me another EKG, that means little stickers have to go on my chest. Uh oh.
These firemen are hott!
Great now the tall cute one has to put the stickers along my left breast. I see a small smirk on the other fireman's face. So now I'm exposed in front of these two very good looking men in uniform. Well I figured today the girls were gonna be out, good thing I wore my black push up bra. I'm trying to fight a smile, and so is he. He's making small talk. My EKG is good, he says I have a strong heart. I believe him, my heart's been trampled and broken so many times, yet here I stand. Finally the test is done and he says thank you for letting us test you. I tell him sure, I didn't really have any other plans, he laughs and smiles and leaves. A new roomate in my room a woman with stomach pains and a distented abdomen. My nurse comes back to ask for urine, well at least its something to do. My phone has no bars. I can't make any calls. What if I suddenly died here, how would anyone find out? Minutes later the urine is taken and more paperwork to fill out..My DNR order (do not resuscitate). Let me die. My Dr. comes back in and says all my bloodwork is good, all my levels are good, my heart is strong. Everything else is related to my anxiety, he can't help me with that, only a therapist can. He prescibes me Progesteron for my vaginal bleeding. I have no insurance, how can I pay for this visit or the miracle medicine? This visit alone is $485.00
How can I get better if I don't even have a chance?
Another social worker arrives, the same questions about non exsistant insurance to, she says I don't qualify for any programs either. I have no insurance. I have to sign a stack of promisary notes binding me to this bill. My Id is taken and scanned. Now I hear Mia's voice loud and clear! Noone gives a fuck about you stupid. Noone is by your side. you're alone in a hospital with nothing but a ten dollar bill in your wallet!
She's right. I am nothing. I have nothing, maybe the bulimia is a good thing, any effort to get better will never happen without insurance. I think the Ed is not going to get any better. I'm not getting any better. I should just give into the madness. At least that I have control over, I have a say. I forsee this health related problem every month. I forsee my body turning against me. So far I don't know what to do yet. It is so easy for me to just get out of here and go eat something, so easy to purge without question. I take one step fowards and ten backwards. When will there be a day when nothing hurts and everything makes sense? How did I get here? Who is this person anymore? I'm suffereing and I don't wanna care anymore.
The nurse takes my blood pressure for the final time, its still good. For all intents and purposes I am a healthy, normal woman. I secretly hoped they'd see through me and I'd be called out, scolded. Maybe then would the reality of my behaivior be seen, but its not and I'm not. A final stack of papers and I'm done, I can go home. Prescription in hand and another day with nothing in my stomach. I won the battle for today. I am still here to go on.
1 comment:
im so glad u r ok... i was so worried - i know the effects this can have s u know im dealing with them everyday... i hope u keep strong and keep pushing forward... u still have a chance hun!
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