Sunday, November 16, 2014


Light hits my eyes, bright and loud.
The cat has left the curtain open again.
As much as I love her, I mostly want to strangle her.
To keep my homicidal fantasies in check, I've gone as far as nailing the curtains to the wall itself.
I detest the light in my room.
More than the actual rays itself, I detest lack of sleep.
It puts me in a most foul mood.
I've gone two entire weeks now with recurring Insomnia.
It has me by my big toe and refuses to let go.
I feel the drowsiness coming, I welcome it but the act of sleep itself eludes me. What miniscule sleep I do get is riddled with nightmares.
I don't know how people do it.
I applaud those who can simply lie their heads on a pillow and close their eyes. The Sandman must indeed be the most wonderful, magical person there is.
I, on the other hand cannot.
I lie my head on the pillow and begin the groove of tossing and turning.
It's like stepping into a room full of screaming Investors on Wall Street.
The constant shouting over one another, each individual voice wanting so desperately to be heard. Ideas and accusations flung everywhere.
Welcome to my mind.
The chaotic place that drives me quietly insane.
The shouting at night is too much.
God, I just want some fucking rest!
Shut up! SHUT UP!
I can't sleep unless I'm on something, whether it's alcohol or even pills.

Having old neighbors who you constantly do favors for has it's advantages.
They take way too many unnecessary pills or sometimes don't even take them at all.
Painkillers and anti anxiety pills frequent my stomach much more than food nowadays.
Once the drowsiness kicks in, the fun can start.
Late into the night it gets before I finally succumb and sweet unconsciousness hits me. No more chatter, no more insecurities and worry.
I can just close my eyes be like everyone else.

I am currently in the shithouse everywhere else in my life.
I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck. Am feeding my daughter scrambled eggs for dinner because I can either buy food or have gas in the car for work which is 45 minutes away.
She's understanding and patient with her loser mother, maybe even thinks of all of this as an adventure.

This car.
God this fucking car.
I had a flat, a simple flat that turned into having to buy another tire because "The tire you have has a bubble. If you drive one more day on that, you'll get into a horrible accident when it blows."
This car feels like an expensive, stripper girlfriend I can't afford.

I'm sure I get a lot of "Omigosh, you're doing that bad you should've told me" from people.
The truth of the matter is I'm a child of keeping it to yourself.
It was drilled in my head to never let anyone know just how bad you're doing, most people just don't care, they are just nosy.
It's actually not bad advice, I've seen it firsthand so I know it's not total bs.
If I can still manage to not run this little family of mines (daughter, 2 cats and fishies, oh and houseplants!) into the ground...yet
I'll find a way to survive.

Besides the lack of sleep and lack of money, let's not forget my lack of eat.
I'm nine pounds lighter today.
The one constant joy in this miserable life is the weight loss.

"How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.” -Corrie Blount

My most favorite quote, so much so I have it tattooed on my ribcage.
It's the simplest way of telling how bad yours truly is doing.
I simply stop caring about eating at all. The emptiness feels like a thousand whip lashes. It feels like a punishment I deserve. I don't want anything unnecessary. I deserve nothing.
You are what you eat.
I feel so out of control. I feel like screaming. I feel like running in the streets.
I feel forsaken and all alone, so alone.
All I have is my behaviors. They are what keep me grounded, sane, insane.
It serves a lot of functions in my life. I use it as a way to punish myself, I use it as a way to medicate myself, I use it for the tension release when things get too strong or too built up.
When I’m done, after this big huge buildup, then there’s an overwhelming feeling of calmness, an overwhelming sense of peace.
It’s kind of like letting out a sigh. I get a peaceful feeling and a kind of self-satisfaction at having hurt myself.
What else can I do?
I can't be like everyone else, I wouldn't even begin to know how.
I'm good at imploding, I'm good at infliction and turbulence.
The little joy of seeing the numbers on the scale keep me alive, keep me going too.
It gets me through the day knowing tomorrow, maybe, just maybe will be ok because one more pound is gone. The weight loss gets me through the days, the long empty days.
The same monotonous routine of not eat, work, not sleep, repeat.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Calender Girls

Hi everyone!
How has everyone been since we've last spoken?
Yours truly has been on a financial rollercoaster that has left her with more lint in her pockets than usual.

Let's recap shall we...

Well October was a very trying month for me. There wasn't enough work and then the car decided to give me trouble to the tune of 350$.
This news was no bueno as I love to go all out on costumes to celebrate. Halloween is my all time favorite Holiday, feels like I instead of wearing a mask, I could actually take off the one I wear all year long.
Who doesn't love dressing up, fall weather, candy, carving pumpkins and watching scary movies?
Giving the mechanic 200$ of what would be a free paycheck, hurt.
 I still owe him 150 more and he's been ever so patient but for how long?
Cancelling Halloween altogether even crossed my mind.

My kid's Godmother wanted to go trick or treating thru a fancy neighborhood just like last year. My daughter and I had no costumes and the bills kept coming like clockwork.
Finally I managed to get us both something at the last minute with 80 bucks I managed to save from bits of pinching pennies here and there.
My daughter who's the sweetest, most considerate kid ever was so patient with me.
My initial plan was to me Disney's newest version of Maleficent, I was going to go all out with makeup and contact lenses, but that plan had to be rethought.
I put aside my own desire and decided to just focus on what my kid wanted to be instead, I would just pick a costume at random and be whatever the financial scraps allotted.
My daughter went from wanting to be a My Little Pony to finally deciding on a fairy costume. Yours truly chose (slutty version) Harry Potter.
It was a difficult time for me indeed. Bills, Car repairs, not enough work, depression, my eating disorder.
 I even tried to self sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend by breaking up with him close to Halloween.
The very next day of breakup I drove my shaky car an hour's drive to his house after I dropped my daughter off at school to go and make amends.
He was asleep and very much surprised.
The drive there made me nervous, I was worried he would finally get tired of all my inner drama and just tell me to go fly a kite!
Instead he was understanding and in a great mood. We spent a morning together just wandering around window shopping and enjoying each other's company. I feel like our bond just keeps getting stronger.

These random breakups have actually become a private joke of ours, as a matter of fact as I told my dear love, "It's been awhile since we've broken up, it was due."
I know I scare him with my dramatic outburst, but I feel like since he does  know the real me and the way we work, that nothing would change.
He knows not to take me too seriously, to just let me "vent."
That instead of letting me drive our almost 3years together to the ground, what I needed the most was support and his way of helping me cope through these tough times.
We resumed like nothing had happened and truth be told, nothing really did, nothing ridiculous I could ever say I think would ever make this wonderful man stop loving me and thinking the world of me, and for that I'm so grateful.

I met my friend on the week before Halloween and the costumes were bought, our Halloween date was still on. She's going through her own financial hurricane but has bought a new car and is all too happy to show it off. I pray she has better times ahead because she deserves it.
I gave her a little gift when I saw her, The Twilight series since she's never read them. They are used books from Goodwill but I know she'd cherish them regardless. She loves to immerse herself in other worlds that aren't our current catastrophes, so I wrote her an inscription in a card imploring her to do so!
We can always be broke and stressed any ol' day of the week. When she has the time, she can read her books and have Bella Swan problems lol.

My boyfriend loves X-Mas, he thinks he's too old to dress up for Halloween or at least did before I came along, but he made the effort and got into it for me.
He painted his face in spirit to the Mexican religious Observation of the "Day of the Dead" (not the George Romero film) His stepson was Godzilla!
I thought I was going to be in a bad mood because I was so close to riding the Crimson Wave but that didn't happen, instead we all had the most amazing night.
Halloween is also my Kid's Godmother and I's anniversary of sorts. We've been friends for almost 23 years!
So you see, it's important even in the most dire of situation to most definitely look at the bigger picture.

So after October done went by, I thought November surely would be better?
So far no.
I have been living off my savings.
My bills are late and the car seems to keep challenging me with new sounds and shakes. I have so much to do this month.

Work has been different.
I am now being transferred to the beach store on Collins, I float there every Monday so the pharmacist and staff have asked me to just make it my home store.
The news was amazing, to be wanted and appreciated makes me happy.
I've always though I was never cut out for this line of work. I feel so stressed from work 75% of the time. But it is my job so I have to go 100% at it and hope someone notices...
The complications of a transfer I do not appreciate. Hopefully it's complete now and I can expect steady work. Yes this store is 45 minutes away and I have to put gas in my car every 3-4 days but what other choice do I have?
Work wise I also have my CE's due which are just a bunch of state mandated tests I have to pass in addition to the 105$ renewal of my board issued license that allows me to step foot inside a pharmacy. I've completed my mandatory 20hrs and now just have to complete two more live webinars.
My checks are very slim lately, I missed a week of work because I had the worst flu ever.

I got better then guess what, last Friday got sick again!
Am still trying to recover.

As for my Eating Disorder well...
because have been cash poor these days am only feeding my kid and my boyfriend and his son. I've been fasting and restricting. I've been exercising more and have finally managed to lose almost, almost, almost 10lbs.
You have no idea the happiness that happens stepping on a scale entails.
The excitement and hopeful prospect that your mind generates from those electronic numbers on the scale's display.
Satisfaction doesn't even begin to cover it.
More like I want to scream FINALLY!!!
I am also happy to report that laxatives are only used twice a week as opposed to multiple times a week.
On weekends am keeping food down because my boyfriend is here and he's become a buffer between me and ED.
I will confess something to you all because all because I love you, (even boyfriend doesn't know this but..) I'm always wishing he and I would just live together, partly because I think I'd have a tougher time doing behaviors with him around full time.
I know that's just a band aid on a bullet wound when it comes to ED, it sounds good in theory but then again it could just make me be more sneaky and cunning when it comes to behaviors so the jury is still out on that statement.
Losing weight makes me happy, that simple little fact doesn't seem to change and God forgive me but I need it.
I need that certainty in a world where I seem to have anything but.

My sister wants me to go see her in Orlando for Thanksgiving but that's
160$ I don't have right now.
She asks me everyday about it, all I can tell her is yes when in fact sacrificing that amount may very well kill me financially in the upcoming months. I don't know how to possibly let her down if I can't make it.
I really want to visit her but if I can't afford it, well what then?

I'm trying to just survive.
I hate having no money all the time, burning through my savings, living paycheck to paycheck.

I am not 100% happy.
I am just alive but not truly living.

My novel's latest chapter has been forced, I am trying desperately to finish it but find myself distracted and letting my current reality affect my fictional one. I don't want that for my characters.
I want their lives unblemished by mines.
They are my escape, and deserve better.

This past weekend as I've been sick since Friday was a challenge.
My boyfriend's stepson had a birthday party at a Chuck E Cheese we had to attend. He and I have become introverts and not looking forward to assimilating with others of the human race.
We went this Sunday to it regardless of our own inner demons.
We got lost for a bit but found our way, then with our hands intertwined we made our way to the party and found ourselves having a blast.
I found my inner pushy mother and made sure both kids had a blast. I made sure they both got pizza and goodie bags, cake and whatever else this party had to offer. I wanted this experience to be well, experienced!
I haven't been eating much lately and was genuinely hungry expecting what the birthday invitation promised of "All Adults will be fed" to be true, An hour into the party the mother of the birthday boy finally fed us very small portions of food. Oh my God, was I hungry, I had a small cut of a sub sandwich and one piece of chicken nugget, that was it. I couldn't believe the irony of actually deciding to eat and having nothing to eat!


Going Home after the birthday party was fine. My boyfriend stayed 2 days more at my place on account of his kid having 2 days off of school.
I miss him terribly when he's gone, but I know he will be back again on Friday.


I was told recently just how healthy and happy I look on my pictures.

Idk what do you all think?
Do my pictures speak more than words or not?
Is anyone out there still interested in what this ol' girl got to say?
Should I revamp blog?
Can you forgive a sporadic blogger?

Also can someone please tell me if the new Stephen King Book "Revival" is any good!?
I desperately want to read this.
Will talk to you guys again soon.
Follow me on Instagram @ladikaat69 for more picture posts! or email me on Gmail.
If you all have any topics you'd like me to cover don't be shy, let me know. I'm an open book as you can tell..
Thanks for giving a hoot still. I'll try to keep writing more.
You all are amazing!

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