Monday, May 30, 2011

Happy Memorial Day


I went to the beach today and I had a great day. Still no b/p..13days and counting. I got home and my Laptops power cord and battery have dies on me for good. That's almost 200$ I don't have to replace them. I don't know what I'm gonna do, I'm on the desktop PC and ancient thing that doesn't even have a web cam, I have no idea what to do when weekend Vlogs come around, guess the Flip Cam will have to do. I do admit this latest breakdown of Technology pisses me off and further frustrates me as I know there is a curse over my head!
I hope you all are well and have enjoyed your Holiday. I have a bath and a chicken sandwich and fries to burn off now; I'll round it off to at least 600 calories I'm sure, looks like it's gonna be a long workout.
I'm still at 112lbs too. The scale scares me, I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I want.
*Sighs heavily*
Life with an Eating Disorder is hard.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

This just In...


Well I have a huge Migraine, am suffering from the worst nausea and now have been awakened from my sleep by my Ex Sister in Law.
Someone left her a voicemail saying my youngest brother got into an accident yesterday and has died.
This is my youngest brother with the controlling wife, he basically turned his backs on all of us for her.
We have no way to reach him or find out any news about him.
I have no idea if this is true or not, so now my family just has to sit tight and wait to see which one of us gets the call.
I'm at 111 still and haven't b/p at all so 9 days today so far.
I'm actually not triggered from this, I'm numb.
My tarot said nothing about a death so I don't believe it yet.
I'm going back to bed, I do not feel well.
Hope you all are better. See you guys Friday.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Take that Empanada Man!

                                                                      Mood:Victory is mine!

Monday was incredibly boring, I slept in till noon and ran errands with my husband.
I made Baked Ziti and Chicken for dinner.

 I actually sat down and saw two complete movies back to back..
"Devil" and "Barney's Version", both very excellent I might add. I had shakes and a salad. At night a horrible headache came on in addition to a stomach ache, I called it an early night. This morning and I'm up at 5:45, the cats follow me to the bathroom where the scale still reads 111.4 today. I've mastered the art of maintaining, I eat enough to never gain and too little to lose. Some days I manage 500 calories, I'm trying, it's no easy task. I'm entertaining the idea of actually gaining weight for once, it may happen muscle weighs more than fat..
I will try not to jump out a window if that happens. I'm trying to trust what I see, and I'm hoarding compliments. A lot of people are liking this weight I'm at, I get noticed a lot more. I'm trying to find that thing that makes me love myself, I'm trying to find me again.
It won't be easy but so far the baby steps aren't that scary. I don't have that voice in my head since I haven't been b/p. That thing that makes me wanna lose lose lose!
It's like a going out of business sale-EVERYTHING (ALL FAT) MUST GO!
So far its been pretty quiet in my head, just the usual craving of Bulimia, but not much else. I know it's mostly in part out of habit-Binge, Purge, repeat. It's not because I'm hungry, I'm just bored and anxious, trying to find a way to numb myself, not feel, not deal.
I'm tired of it, I will beat this.
After I've weighed and brushed my teeth, supps are taken and I get to working out. I have a shake working on low in the blender, nice and creamy just the way I like it, this may actually be the reason why I get so full?
Its thick and condensed, icy and filling.
Today I see my therapist, our last session until next month.
A smile crosses my face as I think of a new fresh month, new possibilities and surprises.

Dear God, please send good things my way, I need more happy days, help me get better, I'm tired of suffering, I want to move on, I want a life again, help me Lord please...

My daughter is dropped off at school and my crush sneaks me a smile, he still gives me butterflies.
Its nice to be thought of and looked at, makes me hopeful of an actual normal existence one day where I don't worry about what I eat or don't eat, instead worry about what to wear on a date or what color paint on the walls or what will I do on my day off from work?
Life is waiting for me.
Home and a quick clean up followed by coffee, ah coffee my one treat. A cappuchino instant mix; French Vanilla creamer and splenda.
I don't care how many calories, I'll run around in circles in order for this treat to be possible. The hot drink is soothing, the feeling that this is a safe food is too.
At my Shrinks office and I'm not alone, my husband has been tagging along ever since I've been without a car. He mostly waits in the parked car across the street, he at least gives me that much. I would hate for him to be in the actual lobby waiting room seated next to me. Therapy and Tuesdays are for me, my time away from him, my space, the one day where I know I will feel good. I guess I just have to bide my time. He and I have been getting along these days. I hope it lasts.
My shrink arrives a few minutes late and we begin our session. She can see me for more than an hour today as someone has cancelled on her. I have her all to myself the rest of the afternoon.
The session begins by her telling me how good I look, and she is certain the Lexapro is officially out of my system, my bubbly mood is felt in the room. I feel positive.
Our talk turns serious at some point discussing my painful past, I cry and she is relieved.
"Open up, keep going."  She tells me in that soft accent of hers. I do keep going. I can't stop crying and it feels good hearing such reassurance, seeing someone nod their head and agree with my pain. Understand and comfort me.
I feel sad a little still now as I write this, because I'm so closed up, and I don't want to be. It felt good to talk, to unload this baggage.
She gives me tools to deal with things, she gives me new insight too. I'm thankful and hopeful that I can use them to heal.
"The healing process is long but worth it, you are going to get better and move on."
I believe her.
I think I'm rooting for myself too, Go Lou go!
The crying left me a little bit triggered after our session. This is the part where I would b/p to help cope with all this misplaced emotion, this abundance overload of feelings. I sit in the lobby and start to think about my next move. Do I really want to cave right now.
Wouldn't you comes trouble.
Ladies and Gentleman I introduce to you "Empanada Man."
There is this old man who comes everyday to this Mental health Center, from what I gather he is a retired man who still wants to make some money on the side. He does so by selling cooked food. Or rather a particular food item cooked several different ways.
Homemade delicious little evil puff pastry devils.
Sometimes when I'm waiting for my shrink, he'll roll around the downstairs waiting room hauling his cart of goodies. My therapy is upstairs on the second floor near the stairs. I hear his little bell ring, because of course he would have a bell on his cart. What evil Cart doesn't have a bell?
Ice cream Man, Peanut Vendors, Slushy Vendors, the list goes on, they all have that little bell they ring to come calling to their trenches.
It's hypnotic, it signifies something good here, come and get it.
I sit by the chair near the stairs and inhale the smell, I love that smell. It's almost erotic. My stomach grumbles and I fantasize binging on the entire contents of that cart. He has all kinds, sweet, salty, meat filled kinds, ham and cheese..
*Drools on keyboard ala Homer Simpson style mmmmm Empanadas*
They are even one whole dollar, he has diet soda too of course, ah something to wash it all down with!
What a horrible torture, how I loathe and love this Old Man.

The Devil's means of Torture
Lucky Bastard scarfing down fried piece of Heaven

Everyone loves him, everyone including and especially the staff here practically run to his cart waving crumpled dollars at him.
So here he was ringing his little bell...
In my weakened unsure state I almost shoved my hand down my purse, amidst the junk and book and pulled out my stash, I would've pulled a twenty dollar bill out and bought half his goods.
I would've.
Instead I stormed out the lobby and headed for the exit. I did it, I'm out the building!
I laugh hysterically to myself and go unnoticed of course because I'm coming out of a Mental Health building where laughing hysterics are the norm.
I head for the crosswalk and to the Publix supermarket where my husband is asleep reclined in the driver's seat.
It felt good to be out of there, it felt good to resist.
Instead of heading home straight away, I'm off to the public library to Vote.
The polls are opened early for voting on a New Mayor of Miami Dade County.
I'm excited and in good spirits again.
The lines aren't that long and in the meantime I browse for books too.
I've finally signed in and I'm shown a room lined with Black electronic polling booths.
I've done my duty and voted. The mayor I chose has high hopes and doable solutions to help this city. I hope he wins.
My daughter is picked up from school and we head home. I workout and shower.
A shake awaits me, extra creamy and a banana for some carbs.

I'm liking the Protein Shakes, I can see a huge difference in my body.
I will continue to try to love myself and my body, try to be okay with possible gain, after all this is my body and I have to deal with everyday.
I'm trying to get toned, I want to look good, sexy. I want to feel good when I look in the mirror not disgusted and frustrated.
I'm tired of hating myself. I want to love this body, I want to love me.
I will make a try for it. I'm going to keep on with this, eating a bit more and protein shakes, working out and venturing out back into the world, therapy and medication..
My therapist told me to do things that feel good to me, to be happy and positive.
I will take her advice.
Here I go, one complete week no Bulimia.
Onward through the fog!

Oh I want to say something else..
*To Jenn..I'm very proud that you are CPR certified, I think that's a huge deal worth making a fuss over so here is me fussing over you.
My nephew who is now 14 is actually CPR certified, he learned it from a class at the YMCA pool last summer. Thanks to that knowledge, on the day of my uncle's heart attack, he was the one who found him on the floor in the bathroom unconscious.
My nephew administered CPR to my uncle meantime the paramedics on their way, thanks to his knowledge, he was able to buy my uncle some time, helped his very low heartbeat. He bought my uncle time before he passed away in the hospital.
Congratulations, I hope you're very proud, because I am of you.
Good Job gorgeous.

*To my lovely Peridot, I'm sorry you're having a tough time, hang in there, You are very strong and I know you will prevail. You're magical like that.
*To Danae be happy you made it 15 whole days purge free, that is something to celebrate and don't give up..never give up!

Okay I'm done..
take care all and stay strong!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's written In the Stars ☾★


This sucks.
I'm a Pisces!
I'm too emotional for this..
I don't think I can date a Virgo, I don't get this. My friend is too calm for my taste?

                             Pisces Woman and Virgo Man ♥
"This is a 'not-so-happy' combination. The differences between these two zodiac signs become more pronounced, when the woman is Pisces and the man, Virgo. Virgo man is least likely to understand the emotional requirements of his sentimental partner, which will hurt her often. Pisces woman might come to a conclusion that her partner will never be able to satiate her emotionally. Also, the inability of Virgo man to express his feelings towards his spouse will make her dubious about his love for her. Unfortunately, this relationship is less likely to work, in the long run."

I think I'm getting a bit bored too.
He's a nice guy really but I need wooing dammit!
I don't like this 90/10 thing either, I'm not used to this. My therapist reassures me the risk is worth it. I guess I should listen but I've never been down this road before. I'm used to being pursued not the other way around.
I'm still at 111 which is better than 112 I suppose. I've consumed around 500 calories or so today and have burned 700 on Elliptical.
I've applied to three different jobs today and hope that one of em will have mercy and hire me. I have that stupid voice in my head that's shouting Purge Purge, but haven't today at all or yesterday too for that matter.
Two days?
I should be happier but I have a lot going on through this head of mines. I didn't sleep last night, I even chatted with my friend until about 3am.
It was nice, a lot of humor back and forth and then talk of how much we missed each other. Then it got down right nasty lol.
I hate that out of sight out of mind happens with me.
Apparently Virgos are calm and collected and not into romance, more loyalty really.
I don't wanna get bored but that could happen, I need reassurance unfortunately. There's a huge part of me that wants this to head nowhere, means I can't get hurt.
I can be safe and disordered, no pressure to get better for anyone.
I don't think I trust him either, I think he'll go back to his ex or simply think I'm too problematic, too many issues.
My tarot says he'll stick around, so will my husband and that coworker I have yet to meet, there will be a triangle?
Why do I always attract the oddballs?
Maybe I am an oddity myself.
At least I'm not triggered into b/p, just dealing with this all. I'm not even depressed or sad, just confused for once..
I think I wanna workout again, or dance around, something to get this out.
I think I want to start measuring my body parts too, how do I do that?
I've bought a tape measure but haven't used it. I want to know if my thighs are shrinking and how thin my arms are.
My daughter has field day tomorrow at school, she's excited. The school year is almost done. Her little behind is going straight to summer camp next month. I hope I can find a job already, I'm going mad in this house. I need interaction with things that aren't furry or electrical, ED related voiceovers, not to mention legally bound to me or has been birthed out of my vagina.

Should I be worried about this world ending Saturday business?
As is there isn't enough to fret over. I think we'll be just fine, but if not Jebus has my back...waaaaaay in the back.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Be Still Grasshopper


First this Announcement:
I'm sorry he is so cute, I had to post this picture, also my husband bought him a collar already which happens to have a bandanna on it..I think he may be enjoying the idea of another penis in the house lol..


I'm sick today, my sinuses are incredibly swollen and my head is stuffy. I think Monday's kindergarten graduation and being locked in an auditorium with tons of kids did it. I caught someones something.

I'm at 111lbs,
I'm stuck. The Lexapro really did a number on me.
I guess it could be worse, that number could be 10lbs more or 20 even!
Its not, so I am grateful. I've been pretty happy these days and today is no exception.
I've taken my therapist advice to heart, I'm so blessed to be in both therapy and have such a great person I can confide in and trust.
She told me to "Be patient; something has to change, something will happen for you. Even when you do nothing, inevitably something comes along and changes.
Rushing things before you're ready to handle it will only end is disappointment."
She's right of course.
I'm rushing or trying to rush everything.
I want to move somewhere else, yet I have no job to support it all.
I want more time with my friend, yet I'm still living with another man.
I want to lose all this weight, yet I haven't completely toned and tightened what I currently have.
I want to stop the bulimia entirely yet I am not 100% on what that would really take to do so.
There are steps I have to take, things to be put in order first.
Patience indeed.
Exercising is starting to be fun again for me, lately it felt tedious and pushed. I'm getting comfortable with certain parts of my body. I don't feel so gross all of the time, some days I'm actually proud of how far I've gotten.
My hair is getting real thick again, all the protein I've been consuming lately. I think I can grow it out again.
My nails are getting stronger too, my skin clearing up, hardly any stress rashes these days. My arms are getting more defined and I'm even trying Yoga poses once in awhile.
I'm trying to go slow because that's the only pace I know; sounds like a bad country song but it's true.
The tables are turning, some people who were up are now coming down, my luck is slowly starting to get better. That's how life goes, everyone gets a day in the sun, my turn now.
I'm trying to stay positive because evoking that energy changes your surroundings. I'm all I have, can't go against myself, how will I get anywhere then?
I'm tired of depression and self loathing, takes so much out of me. I can only imagine how boring and repetitive my bad moods must be to other people. Seems like all that spews out of my mood is food this and pounds that. I want more than my eating disorder, I think I deserve it.
I don't care if its the last thing I do, but one day I will put this all behind me. I am more than this.
The job hunt continues tomorrow, I know if I can just get back out there then I may have an actual chance. Being alone at home all day with nothing more to do than b/p is no life. It's triggering to also be around so many negative people.
Sometimes I forget how competitive ED's can make you, how we all have two faces. It's like a team race, everyone running in unison to the same finish line, yet secretly deep down inside, some of us pick up our pace to be ahead of the other. I hate that part of the eating disorder. Makes having a true friendship almost impossible. In the end though, you have to look out for you, if you want anything done, you're the person to make it happen.
I can support your decisions, but I can't stop you from doing anything you truly want to do.
The insomnia is back, last night only three hours of sleep, the stuffy nose and cough kept me awake. The times I managed to fall asleep kept having strange dreams, motel rooms and cheap wine, affairs with both men and women?
Looks like my subconscious is lonely and missing my friend too perhaps.
My husband is actually staying home today, he's decided to "take care of me."
He and I haven't been arguing lately. He called the mechanic to confirm repairs on my car, looks like June will be a great month. I'm still going to try this 90/10% thing; I won't jump through any hoops for anyone. I think time apart and cooling off periods may make bonds stronger, if you can't reach me then you'll have time to miss me. Sometimes being too available doesn't give that person the opportunity to sort it all out. Space and time can be good things. Risks too.
I'm taking a Benadryl to see if I can feel better, which means I will finally be able to sleep thanks to a drowsey wonderland that will ensue after digestion.
I'm actually looking forward to one day where I can ignore everyone and everything and fall asleep, dead to the outside world.
I don't really want to deal with anyone today, I want ME time. I deserve a day off from friend, Mom and Sibling duties. No ED or exercising either for me.
Just rest Lou, the same problems and people will be there again tomorrow.
Be well everyone and safe too.
Let's go easy on ourselves today if we screw up any goals, try, try again tomorrow..

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I've been in great spirits these days, yes I'm still b/p and all the weight gain from Lexapro is still around, but that hasn't changed anything.
Yesterday my daughter graduated Kindergarten and I couldn't be more proud.

Today I saw my therapist, I'm glad for it too, I was suddenly sad this morning.
Talking to her really helped, her opinion and advice really helped me feel better.
I got a great workout in and then got a phone call from my husband who was in route picking up my daughter from school. They found a stray kitten and wanted to know if they could bring it home?
What was I gonna say?
So yes I'm turning into the crazy cat lady!

His name is Little Bill..
The other two cats are pissed and jealous..dare I say catty?
Who can no to that cute face.
I'm sick today, been sneezing all day. I'm watching Lady Gaga-thon on Fuse channel. She's my new Thinspo, she's so skinny!
I love her, I'd kill to have her body.

I've been told by a few people that I'm "looking toned" whatever that means?
My therapist said I looked great?
I don't see it, been working out more but the number on the scale does not budge. Maybe I have lost inches, but I don't know why the numbers going down matter more to me?
I think I can attribute my good mood to the fact that I've gone easy on myself for screwing up and b/p.
I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. You never get better in one day anyways, it takes time and will. I'll get there but when I'm really ready.
I'm so sorry for sweet Peridot and her loss this week, I hope you feel better sweetie and I'm here to listen if you wanna vent okay?
I'm off lovelies, gonna clean up and bathe my kid. A long week ahead and who knows what awaits. I'll keep up the job search and I miss my friend, a lot.
I've decided to do what my shrink and Danae have suggested, not always be 90% and he 10%..
I'm going to back off and let him miss and go out his way if he wants to talk to me or see me even. I think that's a good idea, helps alleviate added stress. I think I'm worth pursuing and chasing. I need to start loving myself and get back to that positive state. Nothing will change otherwise. I have to stop hating myself so much.
So I hope this happy state continues and I slowly start to feel better and wait out the rest of this month, hoping next month will finally be better.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Boo it's Tuesday :(


Monday was a blurry b/p mess.
The only productive thing that was done during a break from Mia was clothes shopping for my daughter's Graduation. I found a beautiful short Red Trench, I wasn't thinking of wearing it to my daughter's ceremony, this will be worn on another occasion if I ever get my car back, perhaps with nothing more than underwear underneath for my new lover.
Ah, Tuesday is here, usually I would be smiling from the night before, because Tuesday would be the perfect day, the happy day.
A great session with my Shrink followed by afternoon delight..
Not today.
This morning I woke up extra sad, and sobbed into my hands in the shower for ten straight minutes.
I felt like it was not fair, it's not fair that my husband got away with his infidelity and I cannot. Is it because God wants us to stay together, me bound in a loveless sham of a marriage?
Why can't I do what I want too?
Why does it feel like the minute I try to do anything even remotely out of character for me, the brakes are slammed on?
I get dressed in blah clothing, no make up on my face. I run a comb through my hair that's in need of a touch up already.
I don't take the Lexapro today, I'm done with that pill and it's ridiculous side effects that include weight gain!
I take my supplements and wake my daughter up for school.
I drop her off with an over sweetened coffee in my hand and notice today that my crush is looking me over. Why is it once you move on men suddenly take notice of you or their need for you?
I can't be bothered today and besides I look a fright.
Back home now and this would be my cue to b/p before therapy, but I don't. I stuff a banana and a bag of my favorite candy Red Hots in my purse. I bring my meds along to my visit today and also a sheet of paper with all the weeks craziness scribbled on it in case I forget to mention it in my session.
My husband wakes up at ten and is not happy, not only that he seems to be getting sick. Maybe I'll get lucky and catch it and it turns deadly and I'm finally put out of my misery.
I feel extra suicidal today, you cannot believe how much the bottle of sleeping pills calls out to me. It seems so appealing to just take it and hear nothing. Be at peace, no more struggle....ever.
On the way to my therapy session, a ride there courtesy of my husband, he starts to complain of how he is broke and the rest of the month and next month the same thing. My light bill came in the mail yesterday and its two months past due?
He's slacking off on bill paying, sometimes I wonder if he has a child out of wedlock with the woman he cheated on me with?
I can't understand where the money goes, lord knows I don't see any and neither does my kid.
My eyes get watery and I look out the window in silent anguish.
I feel bad and he makes me feel worse, he makes it seem like I broke the car.
I hate this part of my life, I wish I could fast forward to when I'll be happy and in love or anything else, but not this part. Not this awful part where the band aid keeps coming off.
I don't argue with him, I just feel sad. My thoughts keep going back to last Tuesday where I'm in bed naked and unafraid of my body and how I look. My dear friend and I conversing and eating candy in bed and holding each other. How good it felt to be distracted and not have to be reminded of the awful eating disordered life that awaited me the rest of the week.
I can't see him today, possibly the rest of the month.
He is very understanding for the most part, at least I know he feels the same way too because he constantly tells me so everyday now. The constant texts and IM's the phone calls, he reminds me of how much he misses me and that soon we will be together again. I'm glad he knows about my eating disorder, sometimes I talk to him about it when he asks, he likes to learn new things and ask so many questions. He doesn't understand, but he makes the effort to support me. He wishes I get better, he says I'm amazing..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all the nice compliments he gives me, I say Thank You of course. It's just so odd to hear that, I don't think I'm anything.
In the Shrinks office now and she's on time and bubbly as usual.
In our session I tell her everything from the week. The shooting, the car, my new lover and the medication.
She tells me to stop taking it, and says in the meantime I could even try taking half of the Lexapro. I can't see the psychiatrist until the beginning of June for a new medication. He is booked up solid.
She feels for me and thinks that I shouldn't give up on Happy Tuesdays, that I should take the bus even..
I'll see what happens, the way I'm feeling today, I can't really wrap my head around any plans yet.
My husband picks me up and its a quiet car ride home, the only question asked was the one concerning my medication. I explain and that's that.
Home now and after my daughter is picked up from school I binge,
my phone rings and its my oldest brother who wants to stop by in twenty minutes!

He arrives on time and I feel dizzy, to distract myself I chat up a storm, there wasn't a quiet awkward pause at all during his whole visit.
I got over the interruption, and was actually glad for his visit. I missed him I suppose.
It's nice to be thought about, I need to appreciate that more. I need to change.
Now I'd like to binge again but I got an IM from my best friend/lover. I told him I had company and he said he would give me some time and then get back on, I'm still waiting..
Maybe another binge won't happen?
I'm blogging now to distract myself, my throat hurts so bad. I've cut my nails too to kill more time.
At least now I can drink again, should I be happy for that? No pills means more play.
I feel so sad. I hope I can feel better, I'm so tired.
I was chatting with my dear friend and she was having a hard day as well, b/p too. I was telling her how much I'd love to just end it all at times, how peaceful the idea sounds, she feels like that too of course as most of us disordered folk do. The alternative living is awful and downright impossible some days.
I hope this weight comes off soon. I feel so fat today.
I hope you all are well. I think I'll go do some sit ups now while I wait for him to come back online..

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Put me outta my Misery someone please!

My neighbor got shot today in my building, she was an 80 year woman, she was dating a man who abused her, she broke things off with him last week.
He waited for the woman's daughter to leave for work and then made his way inside my building, dragging her body out into the back hallway and then pulling out his gun and shooting her.

The ambulance took her away still working on her body.
She was taken to a nearby hospital where she is on a ventilator holding on, almost gone.
Her daughter is distraught as are all of us that knew her.
My tarot said loss, this could be it.
I'm at 108.5 today because I ate and didn't work out.
This new medication is making me drowsey and nauseous, gives me a huge headache.
I did groceries today and bought random things.
I feel blah, I feel sad. I feel everything at once and I don't like it.
I have to get acclimated to this medication I suppose.
My car is acting up, some parts need to be changed now and that means money.
My husband is very upset with me, he thinks I picked a lemon. I ruin everything.
I can see my shrink Tuesday but only because he is giving me a ride. I can't see my friend afterwards, this makes me sad.
Why is it I can only get a little taste of happiness?
Why does it always seem that I can hold onto nothing?
My husband can have an affair and fun, I cannot. The minute I even try everything gets disrupted and taken away.
I'm binging now.
I'm sure I'll gain again. I don't know why I bother anymore.
I should just gobble all the pills right now. I have the worst luck, why does God hate me so much?
If I'm good I get punished, If I'm up to no good, the same thing!
What am I suppose to do, what the fuck does he want me to do?
Well I know for certain, he doesn't want me to be in a relationship with anyone else. Goodbye Old friend, I'm sure you will get tired of waiting for me. Let's see what else, he wants me to stay with my husband and keep having problems, oh and he wants me to be bald and toothless and fat.

I can't have any friends or go anywhere, work forget it..A car yeah right!
Suffer Bitch Muahahahaha!
I'm getting worn down, I don't think I wanna fight anymore. Why am I trying to go against the current?
I'm not meant to do anything else in this life, why try?
At least I had a nice day on Tuesday, one good day where everything went right and I was happy.
I can always look back on that day and say it happened, life happened to me once. A different version of the one I lead now.
I hope my eating disorder kills me soon. I want to stop being a huge financial burden. I'm tired all the time, so tired in my mind and heart.
I hate myself so much. I guess this, all of this is well deserved.
I have to finish binging then I'm gonna go purge and if I'm not too tired workout. I may take a sleeping pill tonight, I have a feeling my friend will want to text me or talk, and I don't know how to tell him that I can't see him anymore. I'm going to have to distance myself from him.
Life is so unfair.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


                                                                             Mood: Happy
Sunday.. night I caved after vlogging, my husband brought food home. I b/p a lot that night, after the last purge I got real dizzy. My husband and my daughter were talking to me and their voices drifted in and out, loud and low. I felt hot and flustered. I did not feel well at all, I needed Gatorade and something sweet.
We headed to the nearest Winn Dixie where I got a Muscle Milk Shake and some bananas not to mention fresh air.
At home I ate a cup of white seedless Grapes, I tallied up all my calories to almost 700..I instantly felt better and then worse because my mind raced with thoughts of purging. As I was about to get up and do so, my old friend from school who I saw last week IM me online. I spoke to him and told him about what just happened and even that I was thinking about purging. He kept me distracted long enough for the purging fantasy to fade away. I weighed before bed and I was up to 111lbs.
At least everything I ate was healthy, not too guilty then. In the morning I was back down to 109.4lbs..
I was happy and a little bit hopeful. I had eaten and my weight wasn't a catastrophe. Maybe I can do this, eat one day?
I wake up this morning happy that the weight has gone, I felt good having healthy calories in me. The dizziness is gone, only replaced by a sudden rush of too many things to do today. I have to go to the dentist and get everything ready for Tuesday's Shrinks visit, no to mention my own primping for a visit with the opposite sex.
My husband tags along to the Dentist office with me while I go ahead and see to what degree does this new found insurance go?

In the Dentist chair I was absolutely nervous!
I calmed down best I could, there's something sinister about a blue bib and spit sink that I could never get over. Not looking forward to the little sharp hook looking instrument that picks away at cavities. In the back of my mind I wondered how bad my teeth really were considering all the purging? Would the Dentist be able to tell and should I even mention it?
Before I could even ponder anything else, the usual commotion ensues concerning my Driver's license..
No one believes that's me.
One of the Dental assistants locks the door behind her in the room I'm in.
"You're not leaving this office until you tell us the Secret to your diet."
I blush heavily in embarrassment, what on Earth am I suppose to say. I tell them the usual company less, no junk food, exercise yada don't wanna be like me ladies!
So the damage is non existent, I only have one cavity and some Tarter buildup.
The rest of the suggestions are Cosmetic things I want to get done.
All in all a great visit. Now for the hard part..How much?
My insurance covers none of the things I want done. A $4,000 bill is what I'm handed. How disappointing.
They can work a payment plan with me, $90 a month, that I can do..if I was working.
My husband sees my long face and says he can pay for it in installments. I tell him I'd have to see, it's not necessary, I really just wanted to know what my insurance would pay. I can see what he's trying to do, buy more time with me, more ties to my life. I can't have him paying for unnecessary things.
Afterwards we pick up my daughter from school then head to the Video Store, I've made Dinner in the Crock pot and feel sorta down. I also feel rushed, like I have so much to do and not enough time. I pass by the Barber shop to inquire about a trim, the very chatty Barber tells me he cannot cut my hair.
"A man should never touch a woman..for obvious reasons."
Sounds sexist to me. He walks me down the block to his wife's Beauty Salon who gives me the trim instead.
Later on at home I b/p on dinner.
The morning starts off full of jitters and fear. I see the new Shrink at 9:15, what is he going to say?
I also see my old friend from school who I've slept with and now that makes us what?
So it's time to get moving, I rush my daughter outta bed and finish getting ready. My husband is asleep as usual but every now and then I catch glimpses of him out the corner of my eye, he is looking at me. I look cute today, I'm wearing a white tank and skinny tight black jeans, a beautiful scarf that the lovely Peridot has given to me as a gift and some black Trojan sandals. I smell sweet like perfume and my hair is cut and dyed.
I have on new underwear too.
Today I will not worry about my body because my old friend who is sorta my best friend in way really, we're so close and share everything, likes my body, tells me I'm perfect. I should start believing that.
I want to relax and I do when I'm with him, I even eat..not actual food, mostly I have bags of Candy in my purse, Red Hots or any other sugary sweet like that.
I will take it easy on myself today.
I find parking today fairly easy and make my way over to the lobby to register and wait.

After what seems like hours, actual time 10 minutes I'm called in to see the psychologist..
He is average height and tan, green eyes and one of those awful Cesar looking haircuts. He works out, he's very buff..too buff for my liking. He wears a tight purple long sleeve shirt and even tighter pants, he has no business wearing those tight ass pants!
I'm incredibly nervous. I sit in his office and we go over why I'm here.
Finally after questioning and even a small talk, he decides to write me a prescription for medicine.
I'm given Mood Stabilizers and even a pill for my Insomnia.
I can't believe how simple it was? I'm to see him again next month. He gives me a referral for a clinic in this same building, I'm to get myself checked out.
I head out his office, clinic bound.
My insurance carrier needs to be notified so I can switch hospitals, next month I have an app for this new clinic. I head to the Pharmacy to fill my prescription. I have an hour before I see my regular therapist so I charge my phone and wait for my meds. I'm texting my best friend/lover/I have no idea what; and my mood turns to excitement. I'm really Happy today.
My therapist calls to tell me she is running an hour behind, she would like to reschedule our session. I tell her about the meds and physical that is ordered, she is happy for me.
My pills are ready and so am I, I'm ready to leave and go relax.
I arrive at best friend's house where I'm greeted by a huge smile and kiss. This visit we actually saw a move-"Insidious.."
We liked it, we're both horror fanatics. It was nice watching a movie with him, his arm around me and the comments about the film. A kiss here and there too.
Sex in the dark this time, and I didn't care one bit about what my body looked like. I was completely in tune with him. Finally a day off from the ED.
I didn't leave his house till after 5pm, I didn't want to go.
On the way home I stop by a Checker's and buy burgers and a milkshake.
As I'm binging at home, my husband arrives, he's questioning where did I go and do?
I clip my answers to avoid any arguments. He drops the inquiry and watches basketball. I go purge and weigh expecting madness seeing as how I ate tons of candy all day long.

108lbs flat. Hmm maybe all that fucking does burn a ton of calories?
I decide I will take my new meds tomorrow morning, I don't think I'll take the one for sleeping until the weekend, and I'll only take half of one. I need to start catching up on sleep.
I'm done b/p for the night and get back online to talk with my best friend. We are both in such high spirits. Suddenly Tuesdays seem so far away. I think it's good, time apart so you can't get on each other's nerves. We chat till 2am, I have my final drink of wine, can't drink with these pills.
6am and time for exercise and pills..

After dropping my daughter off at school, I have to go grocery shopping.
The first effects of the pill is felt, first a headache, the nausea, lastly Joy!
I'm actually happy. I feel sort of stoned at times too.
On the long drive to the Market my Car slows down to a snails pace followed by dying on me completely.
I call my husband who is none too please, I'm in good spirits and he don't care what he thinks.
A very nice police officer parks behind me for my safety while I wait. From across the street a very nice Samaritan offers to push my car into the nearby parking Lot across the street.
My husband finally arrives to gave me a jump and we head back home.
The battery is replaced and the day continues with positivity overload followed by a sudden need to sleep. The pills may cause drowsiness the label says.
10 pm and the effects are wearing off, I cry all of a sudden for no reason?
Afterwards my mood picks up again?
I'm really sleepy now, I'm sorry for the late post not to mention long.
I need some rest. Tomorrow onward with the medication. I plan to apply for more jobs and hopefully Grocery Shopping too.
Nite all.

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