Thursday, March 27, 2014
My very expensive relatively new smartphone has been pissing callers off by not being as audible as it could, whilst I can hear you, you can't hear me, unless I have you on speakerphone of course.
I wake up around 9-ish this morning and it's 58 degrees outside, summer to some of you but winter death to me.
I hate the cold.
I dress in boots and tight dark clothing. a huge snug sweater keep the rest of me warm.
My errand for today is to take my cell phone to AT&T and see what this so called Insurance I pay for can do.
After dressing I send an email to my brother's now "ex-wife?"
Her car's radiator something has broken and he's been pestering me about it.
God I wish I could talk about what's going on because I just am getting frustrated with him.
To surmise our latest talk he's basically asking if my ex can accompany her to the expensive ass mechanic I just took my car to.
According to him the car is still drivable, it just cuts off for a bit before it starts up again.
I don't get why my ex has to "accompany her." He'd basically just be following her and with my daughter in the car to boot (UMM NO!) my daughter will not spend her spring break wandering around helping adults who don't behave like adults getting their shit in order!
From what I can gather he just wants my ex to follow her all the way to the mechanic and then I guess give her a ride home.
I told my brother why doesn't she just drive that shit there and take the bus?
Lord knows I just did that shit not too long ago with a 9yr old.
I promised him I would ask the favor but I already knew how my ex would respond.
He doesn't know her and won 't do any favors.
Not only that but he's not working today and has my daughter, why do I want either of them ruining their Wednesday doing favors for someone who doesn't do a single thing for us?
I email her this morning.
I tell her he has to work (a lie) and also tell her I'm off to work after dropping Lil Miss B. off at her Godmamama's house (Lie no. 2), I'm so sorry but figure it out. Lord knows you were nowhere in my time of need wtf am I doing trying to accommodate you?
I've been telling my brother I work all week because well if I don't he would call me all day.
I spoke to his lawyer today and come to find out as the lawyer put it, "He has to go to jail, no ifs ands or buts about it, right now it's about how long..."
The state of Florida is enforcing the Maximum on offenses such as his. He may be looking at 10yrs maximum.
After the email I drive over to the ATT&T store near my home store.
It's bittersweet being Downtown.
Friday March 28 is the official start of the Ultra Music Festival.
It's a festival I would love to go to.
After I park my car I wander the streets looking at Biscayne avenue get transformed into pre concert fair. My heart aches.
What I wouldn't give to attend, to have someone who loves the same genre of music attend with me.
Instead I'm reminded of the car expense that robbed me of this yr's festivities.
Will I ever get to experience all of my favorite DJ's under one roof?
Will I ever dance again?
Feels likes years since I've just been carefree.
As I pass the venue set up I say a silent prayer to God.
"Please Lord, let me experience this wonderful madness soon. Please let me have joy that has nothing to do with everyday responsibilities. Nothing to do with bills or other people's misgivings. "
I pray one day I'll be lost in a crowd, smiling and alive, basking in the limelight of the things that bring me joy.
I finally reach AT&T.
My phone has Insurance, I can upgrade or repair the current phone.
Unfortunately an upgrade can't be done until April 15 or 17 ( I forget which one.)
In the meantime they can fix my phone at some kind of service center.
I ask my boyfriend to tag along but he can't.
He's helping his family out.
I go alone.
The phone issue is solved.
My phone just had a lot of debris on the speaker, they cleaned it right up.
After that I can still trade in my phone and get something else.
When I get home I chat with my niece and sister.
I finally speak to my brother but lie.
I tell him that I have to leave my phone for repairs.
The truth is right now he's so fucking delusional I just don't know how to handle it.
He wants me to reach out to some ex of his he knew 13yrs ago.
He's still thinking he will get out soon and all will be right as rain.
His life is over.
No one is going to wait for him.
He is so fucking delusional I just don't know what to say anymore.
This is all affecting me to the point it's all I can think about.
I'm supposed to be writing, focusing on finishing this book.
Lord knows if the thing is published it could probably save my life.
My sister reminds me of any success to never leave her behind, her only request is a house right next to mines.
If only I could finish and take care of my immediate family.
Take care of myself of course.
Wouldn't life be easier?
To return the favors that were granted in my favor.
I'd love to do nothing else.
In the meantime I'm currently on Chapter13 experiencing the worst Writer's block.
How can I think of anything else other than my own solitary problems.
if I were ever a millionaire would definitely spoil myself because I've never known anyone else there but me.
I've always been there for me.
Not only that but I laugh at anyone who tries to think they can piggy back off another's success.
That's not how this works.
When one works hard they get rewarded for that, not the other way around.
Lord knows I'm due and one day will be.
Not a minute before.
All I'm concerned with right now is the challenges that face me and not anything more.
Have hardly eaten today.
Don't think it's relevant right now.
Who cares about food when there are so many bills I have to pay.
There's no time to spare.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I slept horribly last night tossing and turning, had so many nightmares.
Have been dreaming with my mother a lot lately and I don't know why. she wasn't my favorite person in the world and lord knows I wasn't hers either.
Around 4am the windows started their random pattern of trickles from the sudden downpour outside. The sound of the rain put me right back to sleep. maybe I could use one of those wacky sound machines to help me sleep?
I dozed off peacefully until my alarm goes off at 10am in order to get ready for work. My body aches terribly this morning. My headache has been constant, no relief but for a mere few hours at a time.
I have a lot on my mind lately, think headaches are stress related as opposed to ED related or maybe it's all relevant and I'm just fooling myself.
I feel so bad. I even have diarrhea for once as opposed to constant constipation. This is an odd sensation because it's not expected. I don't know what's going on with my body these days. I was bleeding vaginally like a period for three days but it wasn't a period?
Maybe it was a miscarriage, I just don't know.
Let's talk about work before I get into the new complicated thing that has touched my life.
I take a shower and get ready for work. If I were up earlier would have worked out but I didn't.
Instead after my shower, I do my longer Espresso brown hair and mascara. I head to the room and remove my towel. After finding underwear and a bra, I do a quick set of exercises via leg lifts and quickie yoga poses.
Anything feels better than nothing.
I hear Consistency is the key but that sounds like it's own hardship on account of how lethargic I've become over the past few months.
But I have to try. Always try.
I dress finally after much piles of "This makes me look FAT!' clothes are sprawled over the bed and floor. I decide on the biggest tunic I have over dressy trousers.
The leggings I want to wear are in the hamper. I hate dressy trousers because they have buttons and zippers and those types of clothing make me just about want to grab a scissor and cut my hair off entirely until I resemble a bad wax job. I get so frustrated with tight fitting clothing. I'd rather just wear unflattering shapeless sacks than ever let on just how mushy certain spots of my body have become.
I take all my multi vitamins and have a banana and a meal replacement shake my boyfriend bought for me over the weekend.
I drive to work and am anxious the whole way there.
I've been anxious more and more lately. It's a horrible tingly tightness that takes over.
My senses are hyper aware, even the loudest noises can make me flinch.
I hate my Depression but have never been comfortable with anxiety, that's something I just never want to live with or accept.
It's debilitating and my existence doesn't grant me the luxury to just shut everything out.
I have a job that deals with people all day, I have a growing child that wants a childhood filled with new experiences and not just being cooped up in a room all day staring at four walls.
My livelihood depends on being able to make this life of mines work somehow.
The drive there I have all my windows up and no radio on.
I focus on taking deep breaths and trying my hardest to not think ahead and picture what work will be like and the problems that may aspire.
When I pull into the parking lot, tears spring from my eyes because I made it, I'm at my destination and the first half of the day is done.
I can relax, I'm not dead from some car pileup on a busy street, my car didn't break down on said busy street draining my dwindling savings further. I didn't have a heart attack or seizure.
I'm okay just shaken up.
I wipe my eyes and take deep breaths.
Time to go in and get going with 8 more hours of dealing with things you'd rather not.
In the chaotic pharmacy the first thing I spot as I approach is a giant Afro.
None other than Macy Gray's ugly cousin is there. I sigh internally. Thought she'd be axed by now.
As I open the little swinging door my eyes lock with bright blue ones. My new favorite pharmacist smiles and claps out loud in a giddy schoolgirl fashion.
"Yay Lou is here!"
I can't help but return her smile and then the hello's kick in, one from the scheduler and the next from Macy Grays relative. She so phony.
The pharmacist goes ahead and thanks me again for helping them out last week and then apologizes for having me wander around the store for two hours since the pharmacy opened at 10 on account of a mix up in scheduling.
I tell her it's no biggie, I'm always grateful to help out. since I've started working here it has made a turn around considerably.
I dare say I wouldn't mind being around more even.
Macy's relative is in Production...(OF COURSE SHE IS).. so I decide you know what, I'll do something else and not help you. I'll help out in other ways.
So I do PCQ calls which are just basically adherence calls. The store is a bit slow so I do other things in the meantime.
I find out my nemesis leaves at 4:30 (yay). I won't have to deal with her all night.
There's talk that's it the Pharmacist birthday so the scheduler and I are up to no good.
We devise a scheme to surprise her with a cake.
We call the other tech with the bum leg who comes in at 3pm. She'll bring the cake and pastries and we'll distract the Pharmacist in order to set up.
The plan is in motion.
When the bum leg tech is in the parking lot, my chummy front store manager has to distract her while the scheduler goes to the parking lot to help bring everything inside the store.
My chummy manager concocts a story about his sick grandma.
It's so funny at this point how clueless she is.
The bum leg tech gets inside the pharmacy undetected and then we set up.
We call the Pharmacist back inside telling her that there's some irate customer in Drive-Thru.
When the Pharmacist heads over to the drive thru we all pop up from the other side and yell out "Happy Birthday!"
Her face was priceless.
I can't believe how clueless she really was.
So now there's cake and pastries, a lot. Everyone eats and I stay in Production for awhile while what's her afro goes on break.
When it's my turn to go on break I take a slice of vanilla rum cake and a few things to nibble on. I do eat it and don't purge at work.
Kudos for me.
The rest of work is great. I did have a few asshole customers, two no, four in particular who were just so annoying.
God this job sometimes.
My pharmacist gave me some candles that she got from Jamaica.
She then pulled me aside and told me that new policy mandates that employees are let known how their job performance is going.
She told me she loves how I always attend to customers even if I'm super busy.
The candles smell heavenly, my pharmacist is very sweet and I have work with her again for the next 2 weeks (Tuesdays).
Well my shift is done we're all caught up on everything.
I hope to have more work there, from what I hear through the grapevine, The Fro's schedule has been reduced to once a week. Unfortunately for me it's only Tuesdays.
Work was good overall. I can't complain. it's teaching me to be hard and not so scared which frankly I need.
Okay so one more tidbit about work then on to other things okay.
I get a text from my other lovely pharmacist from the beach, she desperately needs someone to work from 2-9 on Friday.
I text my ex-husband first asking him can he watch our daughter but he says he has to work then says how about I just give you 50$ to stay home.
I tell him NO WAY!
Missing Friday will mean I lose out on 75$
He says sorry he can't do anything for me.
My boyfriend who's coming anyways decides to come earlier and help babysit instead.
I'm able to pick up that much needed shift.
Okay now lets get into other things.
Well my brother is in Federal Prison and he and his "wife" are quiet about the charges so sometime last Friday I inquire about the charges through a bail bondsman.
Folks, the charges are bad real bad.
They are so bad I can't tell you what they are.
So far only 10 ppl know about it and that's how we will keep it. It must never get out.
It was a blow I wasn't ready for but suspected.
It's devastating and my sister, his wife and I took it the hardest.
Suffice to say, my brother may be in Prison for a very long time.
My sister, his wife and I were concerned that maybe he may try to take his own life.
My sister told me to "prepare" for his death.
I'm not ready for that again.
He has hung himself once before with an extension chord and I was the one who found him.
I was very traumatized by that.
He's apologized to me and since then we've grown closer. He's been trying to make it up to me.
So now, my sister and I have become his caretakers. Sending him money, accepting calls, writing to him, sending him whatever he needs.
He's our brother and in our heart of hearts we know he's not a bad person, he just got caught up in something awful and got entrapped.
He's not desperate yet, seems to be in good spirits. I think he's a bit delusional at times not fully aware that he may be in there for a maximum of 20yrs or a minimum of 5yrs.
What can I do, he's family.
No matter what he's done I love him.
I only pray that God can help him and touch his life.
It makes me sad when he says "I miss the outside" or "I'm lonely."
He's really fucked up this time.
I have apologized to his wife and she the same to my sister and I.
An understanding has passed between us that we must keep this secret.
We have to just try to move on.
So my brother calls me everyday and I email him poems and things.
We're working on visitation and getting him much needed supplies like shoes and soap but the Prison system is expensive.
Everything they need has to be bought through them, no outside mail, it will be all considered contraband.
I'm just worried about his safety.
I don't want anyone to know about what he's being charged with, I'm scared they might hurt him really bad.
So that's all I been dealing with these days.
My estranged family is just plain strange.
My nonexistent work schedule, my rapid weight gain, the depression, the anxiety, the loneliness.
My sister would like me to move with her.
In times such as these she and I are most affected and most apart via distance.
Ideally I want to be near her.
I find it a tragedy that we're not.
I want to be near my family.
Am thinking if this year my housing falls through and I'm forced to pay full rent and start again, I just may leave.
I can't keep doing this alone.
I just can't.
Something has to give. I can't just allow things to happen to me, I want a say in how my life goes too.
So tomorrow I must work out, have had way too many calories.
After that who knows.
Who knows what the day will bring.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
My old Flip cam is the culprit. Files won't upload as quickly as before. Could use a new video cam.
But anyways here it is.
Will Blog later after work. Have to do 8hrs at the chaotic store. So far its the only day I have of work this week.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Went to the movie theater today to see Robocop with my nephews and boyfriend. Later on made some steak stir fry and had a small piece of ice cream cake. My nephews bought me a birthday card when I wasn't looking.
Today was fun.
Would've been just perfect if I had won a minion from the claw machine..
I've hypothesized theories as to why my vlogs suddenly are taking longer than normal to load, the most scientific is that maybe my old Flip camera is the culprit.
I need a new handheld recorder.
I suspect more vlogs will upload easier if I had a newer gadget.
So lets get into what's been happening after the latest vlog entry.
I've been preparing for my sister's arrival on Thursday night.
She will be going to Cuba for a week to meet her in-laws and I will be saddled with my nephews.
She arrives Thursday night and I'm happy.
She and my nephews bombard me with birthday presents.
My sister has bought me a Hello Kitty sterling silver watch from Khol's.
I have a new pair of aviators and some cute blouses I can wear to work.
My sister has also been sneaky with me...last week on the day I decided to buy the bunk beds for my daughters room she calls asking for advice on books.
She tells me that her boss needs helps picking books out for his wife.
She and I have similar taste in books.
My sister starts to ask me what are books I would love to own or haven't read.
I am stunned at the question because I just don't know how to answer that.
There are so many books I would love to own or haven't read yet...At some point in the convo she asks me what is an all time favorite book I want to read this very second?
I give her frustrating answers until she's finally had enough.
As I open my gift bag, two books I mentioned are in there. She got me the newest Stephen King book "Dr. Sleep" and "Cujo."
She bought me nose rings too.
It was a lovely surprise. My nephews settle in for the night and so does she.
We all stay up and laugh and talk. We head over to 7-11 for munchies late in the night. I keep a Cherry slushy and half a hotdog down.
The next day on Friday we all head out for a little shopping. She's taking some electronics to Cuba for the in-laws. A big screen T.V and a surround sound.
When we get home finally we get my daughter from school and then relax.
My boyfriend is coming over for the weekend with his stepson too. This will be the first time he will meet my sister.
I think the last few times she's been around he's been avoiding the meeting but to my delight not this time.
My sister is all too happy to meet him. She thinks despite our last fight that he's a good match for me.
She can tell that I'm happy.
As we wait for the last houseguests to arrive my sister goes on and on about my now dark hair and curvier body shape.
She keeps spanking my bubble butt. She says my boobs are bigger too.
My face is rounder and well there's no easy way to avoid the fact that yes, I have gained now 20lbs. FUCK that actually hurt saying thatoout loud. I hardly have a clavicle or anything for that matter. The days of bones protruding are long gone.
I am not emaciated in the slightest. Gaining weight is monumental and most days I feel like one. Maybe a pyramid or some other bulbous wonder.
My sister and I eat throughout the day and purge everything. Her Ed is just as bad as mines.
She still is in denial and simply chucks up purging to the fact that it "doesn't settle well in her stomach."
She still doesn't want to acknowledge that she has a real problem that won't get any easier if she keeps (no pun intended) feeding it.
She even takes my remaining laxatives to end the night well. I hear her recall tales of panic attacks after eating and the fact that she purges at everyday work. She tells me that this whole Ed thing is my fault. She wish she never knew just how far I've gone to lose weight. She says it in a joking but her underlying tone is apparent. She genuinely is surprised by how quickly mimicking my Ed has cost her.
My boyfriend finally arrives and it's a nice moment. I can't tell you all just how much I have missed him.
My sister welcomes him with open arms and he's officially dubbed brother in law. She watches our interactions with much interest and I can tell what she's thinking. .."You look happy." The days of being trapped in a un affectionate lifeless marriage are a thing of tge past.
The night goes off without a hitch.
My boyfriend has work to do, it seems everyone is trying to log on to my wifi and can't.
I bought one of those Google Chromecast apparatuses to be able to stream things from my devices. I can't seem to set that up either.
My boyfriend is the only person with patience to do so.
He quickly figures out that the password I was giving out was wrong (whoops) and finally everyone can connect again.
Later comes the problem with the Chromecast..
My boyfriend disconnects and reconnects it thinking that was maybe the problem?
He didn't know about the app I had to download and the fact that the connection problem was there and not in the Installation.
We had to move the T.V and get a better look.
Unfortunately he broke my HDMI. It came off of the soldered green board it was attached to inside my television.
35$ on a Google Chromecast for nothing.
You can't imagine the degree of upset I was.
My sister kept making jokes at his expense because it was funny and all you can do sometimes is just laugh at all the shit that gets tossed your way.
I had to let go because well I said I was going to not sweat the small stuff anymore so I did.
My sister was supposed to sleep with me and my daughter in my bedroom on my full mattress while my Boyfriend and his son got the twin air mattress, my nephews roommates again in the new bunk beds in my daughters room.
But after seeing what happened she thought it best if he and I got the bed to ourselves and she slept with her kids one final time before she leaves for Cuba the next day, she was also trying to make my boyfriend and I get over the broken T.V debacle.
I'm still upset of course but I have to just shrug my shoulders because frankly I can't do anything more.
On Saturday morning at 6 am my sister approaches my bed to scare me awake...you can't scare an insomniac people, we're always up. So instead I scared her. She gave me her debit card and insisted I go get McDonald's breakfast for everyone in the house. 30$ later we are all eating and then going back to sleep while my sister continues getting ready to leave, to hop on a plane and disappear for a week.
I kept my breakfast down and stayed awake with her.
When it's time for her to leave I'm suddenly scared.
I'm scared of never seeing her again. If something ever happened to my sister I would be inconsolable. She's one of the only people on this planet who's void would leave me utterly and completely altered. It would feel like a missing viable organ. I would essentially be breathing with one lung instead of two.
I say goodbye to her and can only look on as she drives away. All the while praying that her plane lands safely.
Sunday comes around and my boyfriend has to go.
I also find out some rather distressing news, my older brother is in Jail.
He has a suspended license and is driving around in a an unregistered, uninsured car.
His wife texts me on Facebook, she wants to know if I've heard from him which I haven't.
My brother bought a car with no immediate attention to get any legal things in order.
His "wife" ( I say wife cos she's been with him for more than 7yrs now) doesn't really share any real information about his arrest not to mention the fact that the only thing she disclosed was the fact he's been locked up for almost a week? She wants my phone number to share with him.
I start to internalize. What if he wants bail money? I can't afford that. His "wife" just got her 7k plus income tax, surely she could bail him out although on her own Facebook she's been checking In at restaurants and casinos. She has plenty more than me.
The way she even mentioned his lock up was very nonchalant. Almost a week later she tells me?
He's in a Federal Prison which means serious time and charges.
I've been on his Facebook sending S.O.S to everyone who can help him out as per his request.
I don't know what to do, I can't financially help him do a thing.
My nephews stay with me instead of leaving with my ex which is nice. Their loyalty is comforting.
My nephews have grown into such lovely young men. I'm so proud of who they have shaped out to be.
My nephews have an older brother on their fathers side and he is asking to take them for half the day.
I will be working for 7 hours today so I don't mind them going away and being distracted. I get ready for work and they get ready to leave.
The drive to work makes me anxious but I arrive 10 minutes early.
My nephews decide after hanging with their older brother to cruise on over and hang out with their old their uncle, my ex husband.
Work today Is hectic. We are so behind its scary. 11 pages in production!
I help out as best I can and work with one of my favorite pharmacists who hasn't seen my new dark hair.
She loves it, says I look like I'm "trouble."
Work was okay with the exception of one guy who I just about had enough of his disrespect.
He was trying to refill his wife's prescription for Vyvanse which is a Narcotic and can only be refilled via a new Rx by the doctor. I explained that to him but he went as far as to argue with me and say "Are you new? You must be because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about!"
I had enough of his smart mouth and decided you know what? I don't have to deal with other peoples bullshit.
Let someone else handle that, so I told my boss and she reiterated what I've been saying all along.
The rest of the day was busy but fine.
Later on that same bullheaded man showed up with actual Rx's for the Narcotic.
My sweet pharmacist told him she didn't have it anyways to fill so he walked away with nothing. She winked at me and said she did have it but would rather make him sweat on account of the way he treated me which was unfair.
When 9'oclck rolls around I'm all too happy to go home.
My nephews are with my ex husband watching the Miami Heat basketball game at his house.
He can't drop them off back home cos he's too drunk.
Instead I go near his house to pick them up.
My nephews have had a lovely day and that's all that matters. They played Hoops with their older brother and then visited their father's grave together, later they hung out with my ex and watched a basketball game.
I texted the Pharmacy Manager at the chaotic store to confirm my schedule but I've been given the day off.
Tuesday I usually work at the chaotic store but not today, because March 4th is my birthday and I'm not doing shit!
Happy birthday to me, and Happy birthday Ed, this day marks 5yrs of more behaviors that I never expected again.
5yrs of more fasting, laxatives, diet pills, starving, b/p and behaviors. 5yrs of robbery.
When I pick up my nephews from the CVS by my exs house we head home, they tell me all about their day and that they've met some famous rapper on the basketball court, we exchange pleasantries about famous people we've met.
My nephews want to do laundry so we do.
At midnight exactly they both embrace me in a giant bear hug and wish me a Happy Birthday!
Aww I love my nephews.
So..this is it.
It's now my birthday,
I'm now (33) and no wiser.
I'm (33) and no more recovered from my Ed as I'd like.
I'm (33) no more wiser or done with my novel.
I'm (33) and still struggling with Life as it's dealt.
But I'm here.
Happy Birthday to me, fuck I'm still here.
The week begins for me later than usual, the scheduled hours keep moving around so now I'll go in this week at 10 instead of 9. The ex...