Tuesday, October 30, 2012


It's cold out this morning..
I'm tired and once I opened my eyes it officially became Monday.

I went to bed early last night and managed to sleep some until around 2am my daughter wakes me to tell me that her bed is making her itch.
We're trying to get this Eczema business under control so any irritations must be addressed.
It's her bedding she says, so I sleepily come up with a make shift solution to new bedding linens.
She just has the one sheet set, looks like I'll be scouring Ebay tomorrow for new linens.
I fall back asleep, tossing and turning the cold night away into dawn.
The alarm goes off at 6:30am, I head to shower immediately.
The hot water feels good, I wish I could stay in the shower all day. I'm always so cold lately I hate it.
I don't shake any one's hand at work, I try not to make contact with the customers either. I'm embarrassed that my fingers are ice cubes, I don't know how to explain why.
The pharmacy is cold, I'm going to start wearing more layers and scarves. I may be the butt of some jokes, but when am I not.

I have a portable heater on which gets turned on to high, I dress in layers and wake my kid up for school. I don't usually have her Mondays but her dad says he'll pick her up this morning to drop her off, he even wants to give me a ride to the Dr.'s app.

Soon it's 8am and time for school, no ex in sight to give my kid a ride. I start to walk anyways, I can't wait around for anybody.
It's cold outside, windy, Fall weather is here now.
Halfway down the block and my ex pulls up.
I'm avoiding being in the same space as him. Every time we get near one another it gets ugly. I have bus fare weighing heavily in my front pocket.
I load my kid in his car and start walking the two blocks to the bus stop.
Five minutes later my ex calls and wonders if I'm mad today since I'm not accepting rides. I tell him that I wanted to take the bus, I'm sure he's tired from working a double the night before, the last thing he should do is drive me anywhere, and with that I avoid my ex, I avoid a potential fight.

The bus comes fast and I pull out my appointment card, this time I will board the right bus. It's too cold for me to run anywhere this morning.
I ask the driver if this bus is going to my Clinic, he nods. The bus driver must hear this question 1,000 times a day, my neck would hurt from so much nodding.
I have a seat and across from is the token nutcase that you find in any public transit.
He kept saying hello in different languages to everybody who walked past him. After ten minutes of this he put his hand over his mouth and contained himself. He had some interesting sneakers..

I arrive at the Clinic at 8:30am, I'm making good time. I'm also cold, I need coffee, but that can wait till I get out of the app. first..

The Clinic has changed since I last made my lost way here. It's completely remodeled inside. The waiting room is open and spacious, the reception desk is now just as grand. I like it.

After I check in, I'm told I have a new Dr.
It's a woman this time..hmm interesting.
I'm called in first to review my case, this happens every six months.
The woman interviewing me is a Shrink, she asks me questions I answer honestly.
She sums up everything as "You've gotten worse."
Yea, no shit doc.

She asks me why I'm no longer in Therapy, so I tell her how I had a great shrink then I didn't, instead had one who didn't seem to care much about me at all. It's hard to trust someone, but to start all over again is harder. Trust is earned. Not everyone can retain that.
The new Dr. sees me and decides to up my medication, I'm now on Wellbutrin 300mg.
I'll drop off new Rx at work and start the pills on Wednesday. I hope no bad side effects occur.

I get coffee after the appointment then board the bus home. I sat comfortably for about a minute before an elderly woman who can hardly stand came in my direction.
My knee hurts today, real bad but looks like I was standing, I offered her my seat. Later on I found another seat only to give it up to an elderly man with a cane.
Ugh old people all around me, lately I've had a distaste for them, but what can I say, I'm a softie.

Home afterwards, the walk there is filled with Fall sights, flowers that stand out in warm sun, doggies that don't shut up, the Mounted Police officer who doesn't curb his horse??

It's bad enough dog poo litters the sidewalks, now Mr. Ed's dookie too!
I was a little bit disappointed that my Halloween costume didn't come today. I got out of the house since I was certain the mail had come and went.
When I come back home, and start to thaw out from the cold, the mailman is back and carrying goodies.
My costume is here!!
Halloween is saved.
I try it on and it's great, cosplay indeedy.
I'm sure it will be cold on Wednesday so the downside of such a cute costume is I may possibly be a frozen cosplay costumed Lou.

Anyways that's it for today.
I have the urge to drink but have not.
No bp today either.
I actually fought so hard against that. It got so bad on the way back home I stood across the street from a Bakery I frequent. My inner turmoil profound.
I wanted so desperately to cross the street and blow money on baked goods that I knew would never see the light of my intestines.
I wish Ed's had sponsors, like in AA. I would so very much wish I could call someone and say please help me, I'm not too strong right now. I feel like hurting myself right now.
It doesn't and I didn't have a soul to call.
My depression is bad because I feel more isolated than usual.
It shouldn't be an excuse but it doesn't take much to get me going.

Tomorrow work and a new system to learn. I'm anxious already.
Dear God please don't let me fuck up too bad at work.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Oh lordy

Wednesday was another busy day at work, I managed to only get one asshole customer and stick in the ass didn't give me any grief whatsoever that makes two days in a row.
I'm walking home after my shift my feet are sore from standing all day and I'm lightheaded from hardly eating.
As I turn the corner on my block I see my ex pulling up in front of my building honking his horn with too much gusto.
My daughter gets out and heads up the stairs, my ex has a sour puss on so I figured he would pull off and say nothing to me.
Instead what comes out of his mouth is not what I wanted to hear at all.
My ex tells me that the Teacher will be calling me because she overheard my daughter saying she wanted to have sex with some boy.
Now this was shocking to hear because my kid doesn't even know what Sex means, she's too little for that talk yet.I can't even picture her uttering those words.
I was also skeptical because my ex has a way of twisting things around to suit him.
He says that my daughter overheard my upstairs neighbor's kid who practically lives here cus her mom just leaves all day, say that, the SEX word.
I was shocked when my ex didn't blame me for the whole thing or try to say that she learned about Sex on account of me and my boyfriend.
I saw a twinkle in his eye though that wanted so desperately to say something more, to use this as an excuse to say look at what's happened because you can't keep it in your pants every weekend.
But he couldn't of course. No, not this time.
I head inside with my daughter and call my sister immediately. My sister is practically her other mom too, she worries and wants nothing but the best for my kid.
I tell my sister the details and I can hear her mouth drop to the floor on the other end of the line.
I put her on speaker phone and sit my daughter on the couch so she can further explain.
So this is how the real story goes:

There were two boys from her classroom who at lunchtime for some reason hugged each other for a long time (*shrugs* beats the shit outta me??) my daughter said they're gonna have sex, wanna have sex or something along those lines.
The teacher heard her and asked why did she say that, my kid says she doesn't know, it's something her friend Mary (neighbor's kid) had said. This Mary girl said that she herself was having sex with some boy at her school named E.J

My daughter started crying because I had to explain that now we had problems. Sex is a word not to be uttered, only grownups can say that. As much as it breaks my heart she can't play with this Mary girl anymore.
I also told my kid about the ramifications of such a word.
Now I have to talk with the Principal and the school will even send a social worker to my home.
I told my kid that all kinds of uncomfortable questions will be asked and we will be judged on how we live, if for some reason the social worker doesn't like any of it, my kid may have to be taken away from me, not even her dad could get her, if that's the worse case scenario.

As I'm telling my daughter this, she is clawing at her skin, her eczema is out of control, I've spent so much money trying to find ways to settle this flare up but to no avail. It's spread everywhere.
Her skin is dry and cracked and she scratches at it until it bleeds.
She has a weird insurance just like me, and these clinics here don't take it.
I call my ex and tell him that he needs to help me out.
I tell him that I will be taking her to the nearest Hospital's emergency room so someone can help us. I don't care how much it costs, those fuckers will just have to bill me!
I tell my ex that he needs to help me, he waits for me to do it all, school projects, hospital visits, anything and everything. I tell him that I work too now and that's no longer an excuse. He has to take her and do these things too.
He's pretty quiet on the other end but agrees sort of.

Later on in the evening I head upstairs to talk to Mary's mother.
I call her out in the Hallway because she has a Silverback Gorilla in her living room being nosey, this ape even pokes her head out in the hallway. I look at her aggravated wanting privacy, she leaves us alone.
I explain the whole thing to her Mom and of course her kid denies it all.
The only thing her mother can say is sorry and that her daughter knows about SEX because she's explained it to her.

I head back downstairs and it's early to bed. Tomorrow the Hospital.
I wake up late and dress quickly, I wake my kid up too.
It's raining out, I call a cab to take us there, the trip cost me $15..

At the Hospital it's cold, lately I've been freezing all the time, if I could get away with wearing both a scarf and mittens to work then I would.
I was bundled up plenty but nothing keeps me warm these days.

The tips of my fingers are purple at work. I try not to even make contact with co workers or customers, I'm embarrassed to be an icicle.
Being so cold all the time is not normal.
I get so cold at work I start to pray to God that time goes by quickly so I can head home and warm up.
What can happen if I get real cold?
Do I go into some kind of shock?
Has anyone else ever gone through this before?

I was taken care of quickly. My daughter and I head inside after her vitals are taken and all the necessary paper work is filled out.
We wait in Room 5, the nurse on staff "Peter" puts the Disney channel and my daughter is like a moth to a flame.

I think I may need to put cable on in my house.
Her Dr. comes in shortly and I almost come myself because Holy Shit this man is gorgeous!
He's Hispanic, with one of those accents that is all confusing but sounds like harps playing to me lol.
Dark hair and dark eyes, ooh my favorite.
He's saying all kinds of medical jargon but I don't care, I nod my head otherwise.
My kid is going to be okay. Real meds are prescribed and she will be cured shortly. A dermatologist appointment is made for Monday of next week even, they want to help her get better. My kid doesn't want to leave the Hospital room because well Cable!
As we leave scripts and school note in hand I start to pray this doesn't cost too much.
Instead of taking a cab straight home I decide we should walk a few blocks down and catch the "Jitney."

The "Jitney" is basically a van converted into public transit. For a mere $1.25 you can ride certain parts of this great city.
I live near Downtown Miami, and most Jitneys stop there, it's their last stop actually.
We board the make shift bus.
It's crowded and smelly, the driver has AM radio blasting with some radio station about Haiti. My kid loves any new experience, this is not new to me.
I couldn't wait to get off this thing.
To get off you shout at the driver "Here!" and so he pulls over in the middle of traffic and out you go.
Once we arrive Downtown, my daughter and I walk a few blocks back up to my job.

I don't like to be anywhere near my job once I'm off but here I was dropping off meds.
Elton John greets me, all too happy even.
He's not too annoying, just messy. He's kinda cute even in that I didn't shave and have bed hair sort of way lol.
His raspy voice asks me what I'm doing on the other other side of the Pharmacy??
My sweet Manager asks me if I want to work, they are understaffed on Thursday, a part of me wishes I could help them out.
I make a mental note of it, I'll ask later if I can work Thursday mornings.
No stick in the Ass on Thursdays even..

My daughter and I wander around the store looking at Costumes and things, she likes several ones that are just too small.
My daughter has 2 scripts to get filled, the second is an OTC (over the counter) med, it's Claratin, an antihistamine. It's $48.
Once her med is ready, the sticker price for ten measly pills she has to take 2x a day for five days.. $125 without insurance.
Looks like those extra $300 I was recently blessed with served their purpose.

At home I call my Ex, I work Monday and can't take her to her Dermatologist app.
He has to do it.
Oh lord.
My ex starts making excuses that he doesn't know where or what to do, I basically tell him to please figure it out, she needs this.
I pray he can put his big boy pants on and do this. Please Ex husband, be a dad and even put yourself in my shoes. It's not easy to do what I do, but here I am, Anxiety, eating Disorder, Depression, somehow I make it all work out.
I try.
I do what I must, there is no one to come along and relieve me of my post or duties. I'm a MOM 24/7. I have no Parents to help me, no useful Ex, no siblings..
It's just me doing it all, pulling shit outta my ass, making it all work.
Talk about me all you can, make fun of my Ed, me, my looks, my intelligence;
 but there's one thing you can NEVER say, that I don't bust my ass for this little family of mines.
When it comes down to it all I make it happen.
I'm proud of that.

My kid takes her meds today and hasn't scratched all day.
We walk around after the sun goes down and head to another CVS. My kid finds her Halloween costume there, she will be a Bee.
At home we try it on and it's really snug, lol she looks like the little bee girl from Blind Melon's "No Rain" video.

My kid has gained some weight since being with her dad, I hate that the Ed part of me wants to come down on her and Boot Camp this weight off of her, instead I say nothing and try to restrict her intake little by little.
Ugh, this makes me feel like a Horrible Mom. I don't know if any of you have kids and Ed's, do you find yourself in this same position, freaking out about your kid's weight?

Anyways, tomorrow is another regular day I hope.
I've taken laxatives tonight and haven't had anything but two shakes.

I'm hating my weight and self as usual.
My period came on which is confirmation I'm not knocked up.
A part of me is relived of course, I can't possibly have another kid now, but of course there's that side of me that wishes I was..oh well, everything in it's due time.

I can't stop listening to David Guetta ft. Sia's "Titanium".
What beautiful lyrics..
I love this song..it's me in a nutshell.
"Shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am Titanium".

Love you all.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My Dogs is killin me

I'm free!
Worked only five hours today and then I'm off until Friday.
I hardly got sleep last night, then when I finally dozed off, the alarm clock went off and it was time to work.

I fixed up my Ex's computer, I downloaded Yahoo Messenger and gave him his very own Email.
The purpose of the Yahoo was so he could Webcam with my kid if he wanted, little did I know he'd actually figure out how to use the thing.

I'm done with my shower and suddenly my laptop starts ringing, it's my Ex wanting to Video call.
He tells me that my kid played on the computer last night and maybe changed a few settings that he's not familiar with.
I gave him instructions on how to fix what was wrong.

I get to work a little early and have coffee.
I'm dreading working with Stick in the Ass today.
I'm sipping coffee and headed inside the Pharmacy when, what's this? No Stick in the Ass today!

Yesterday old bastard was saying something about going out of town until Thursday, I didn't hear much as I ususally tune everything and everything out.

No Stick in the Ass today, instead the new Pharmacist who likes to sing along to songs that play on the radio we have in the back.

My day is okay despite the fact that I do a lot.
A lot of my coworkers are very complacent and thus stay in certain areas all day where I run around the Pharmacy doing it all.

There are days where I'm stressed and I'm constantly asking myself what the hell am I doing here?

I did groceries today but haven't eaten much more than Peanuts.
I bought laxatives because I haven't gone to the bathroom in forever,
I was trying to naturally have a bm but omg felt like I was either having an aneurysm or having another child.

I'm glad to have one day off before Friday at least.

I think that's it, haven't felt like writing much lately, sorry.
I'm really tired, my feets has blisters.
The bottom of my feet are actually swollen and cracked. Standing on my feet and walking everywhere are very visible now.
I don't get people who are too proud to work a menial job in order to feed their family?  I don't see what the fuck you have to be proud about.
It's not easy.

Oh, I've also decided to lend my Ex the money after all..
Pathetic right?

Idk, I feel sorry for him and maybe I should just be good and hope I get it back in spades later on *shrugs*
He says he needs help with his Internet again.
Ugh If I wasn't bound to this man because of my kid I'd swear I would be happier.

Ex's are so because they are your Past, I'm tired of looking back, it's obscuring my Future view.

I'm still feeling blah, my Ed is very demanding lately, sometimes I just want to talk to no one.
I feel tired complaining all day about my Food issues.

I'm heading to the Dr. tomorrow and seeing if maybe they take my Insurance.
If they don't then I have no idea what my next move will be, probably just ignore aches and pains until they go away.

Birthday Party this Saturday for my friend's son, I have no idea what to give a 5yr old boy??
Any Ideas?

Have a goodnight all.
Please be safe.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


I'm not feeling so hot.
My pelvic region hurts, feels like it's my Ovaries, but after much Googling, it could be a number of things.
It could be the cysts in my Ovaries, it could be IBS, it could be my Kidneys, I have no idea.
All I know is this, my lower gut is swollen and sore, it hurts to bend over, sit down, ugh it just hurts!

I called a Clinic nearby to see if they take my Insurance, they never called back so tomorrow I will have to walk over there and try to make the appointment in person.
They also have a Gp, so I'm thinking see the Gyno plus Gp (general practitioner) and get an overall checkup.

As much as this scares me, I will tell the Dr.'s I have an Eating Disorder.
I'm hoping I don't get too much shit for it.
I have no idea what the consequences for admitting this means?

Has anyone else ever been through this??

Work was okay today.
I made cookies for my coworkers.
White Chocolate Chip Macadamia.

I didn't work with stick in the ass today which was good.
I had plenty of rude customers though. Remind me to tell you about some of them!
I sold my first Flu Shot today. I got a point. The company racks up your points and you win prizes for selling the most, so here I go getting all competitive lol.
I've bp today, before and after work. I haven't admitted to this except to you all.

I hate it.
My weight is bad, but not accurate.

I worked 9hrs straight with no break, my coworkers did too.
At the end of the night they all joked about who was the hungriest and it turned into a giant make fun of Anorexics conversation.
I felt offended and sad.

How can I ever get help if I'm nothing but a laughing stock to others.
Just because I'm not emaciated looking or in a hospital, does no one else understand the severity on my illness?

I'm dying.
I'm not well.
I'm sad.

I come home to cats, my kid is with my ex and my boyfriend is back at home.
I feel very lonely.

Sometimes I'm used to it just being me, other times I'm not.

I work at 2pm tomorrow so I can sleep in some, but afterwards another long tiring day.

I feel very conflicted about a lot of things right now,
I feel like I'm in self destruct mode, I want to sabotage some relationships.

My Ed wants me alone.

Monday, October 1, 2012


My brother in law died.
He died a week ago and no one bothered to tell my nephews.
The funeral is long done.

My sister found out tonight.
Everyone is sad.

Nelson Rodriguez Sr.
I hope you'll be at peace now.

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