Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Good day

Well I prayed before work, I asked God to please let today be bearable.
He did not disappoint.
This morning, I woke up at 9am and headed to the nearest beauty supply store to buy the rest of what I needed to do my hair.
Sally's Beauty Supply was overpriced and understocked. I needed wig clips to sew into the rest of my extensions.
They had no Blonde colored ones only coral colored clips instead. They had a cute variety of Flat Irons, I need a new one, my niece knocked over mines and now it's on the fritz, gets super hot then cuts off.
I get 30% at work and they sell flat irons, my sister convinces me to buy one from work instead.
I get home and get to sewing.
I decide to leave the rest of the extensions for Wednesday after work, I'll dedicate time to fixing my hair properly.
In the meantime I decide a ponytail is fine.

I rest at home before work. Oh, I also bake chocolate chip cookies for every one.
My cookies and new hair do are a hit.
I feel more confident today.

I got to work with Stick in the Ass, Tall Girl, Drop off girl, and Elton John.
The day has it's bumps but for the most part it goes by smoothly.
Elton John is still messy and thus my Waiting Bins were too.
It takes me forever to organize.

Its the sweet managers birthday, a surprise was planned for him. Yup there was cake folks. There's a going away party for a Pharmacist here, the sweet Manager keeps insisting I go.
He offered to give me a ride.
I told him I needed a babysitter, you should've seen his face, he reminds me of my youngest brother, I think that's why I like him so much.
I like working with him.
I don't know if I can go to that party, I would actually like to.
It's his birthday and he keeps getting mysterious anonymous texts from someone. He gives me his phone to read.
It's funny.
I decide to mess with him too and send him atext asking if he was in his birthday suit.
He reads the message aloud and dies laughing, even stick in the ass laughs!

I had a slice set out for me, I ate a small piece and most of the frosting which helped give me an energy boost to keep treading on. Sugar highs are great.

Today was a nice day.
Sure there were asshole customers but for the most part it was all bearable.

I've had 2 bananas and a shake today. My weight is the same.

 I feel pretty alone all of the time.
My Ed is very demanding lately..it tries to convince me to end a lot of ties I have with people and just be alone.
I don't know why it sounds so appealing.
Maybe because deep down inside I don't want anyone else to hurt me. If you don't get attached you can't feel disappointed.
If you check your emotions at the door then nothing can get to you.

Guess I'll try to distract myself some how so it won't hurt so much.
Cutting myself off from others won't solve anything.

So that's it, I'm off to bed.
Tomorrow is another long, lonely day.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Is this normal?

Okay today is my day off, I've spent the day in bed because I'm really fatigued and dizzy.
I didn't eat today, I've only had two shakes.
I took a couple of laxatives and finally had a bowl movement which is good, but has depleted me and that's bad.

I walked to the nearest Optometrist and found out my Insurance is active, my daughter's insurance is under some strange HMO or some junk and she couldn't see the eye Dr.
I need to call tomorrow and see if I can switch her over to my plan or find a Dr. that will cover her.
I hate Insurance, it's a big complicated mess.

I'm lonely.
I feel sad.

I'm thinking about work, and how awkward it is sometimes.
I'm not social enough.
I look at my other co workers and they laugh and joke, and alls I do is work and try not to pass out.

The dizzy spells happen but no fainting yet.

I feel sad because I think I'm an anti social freak.
I think I'll never truly make a friend.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone bothers with me now?
I have nothing whatsoever to say that's even remotely interesting.
I've been out of work for years so I must come off in the Pharmacy as green and idiotic.
Stick in the Ass makes  me feel that way especially.
For example we don't carry Adderall in the store so anyone with that script can't get it filled, so I was told to show Rx's to him regardless, I show him two, one for Adderall which he very nonchalant tells me we don't have, then I show him another, for a med we do have, he looks me in the eye and says "Of course we carry this!" he points to a shelf of medicine.
I don't know if we carry it or not, I'm new, shit I can hardly pronounce half the medications here.

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here, I'm not fit for this job, it's only a matter of time before everyone confirms what I know.
I suck.

I suck at relationships, life, work, being a Mom.
I'm introverted and weird.
I have issues with food..
God, why am I still here?

Every morning I wake up and I'm still alive?
What am I supposed to this with this life?

I don't know how to fit in anymore.
My Ed and Mental insecurities have robbed me of a real life.

How do you all do it?
How do you make it work?

I'm starting to question everything, I feel like pushing everyone away.

Hi..I know, OMG vlogging again!


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Let's catch up..

I'm out of work and have some time to Blog.

Let's pick up from yesterday.
My daughter gets picked up by my ex after we get home from the birthday party.

I call her later on in the evening and after briefly speaking to her my ex gets on the phone.
I called mainly out of concern, my ex lives in a studio apartment and has only one bed which he shares with my daughter when she stays over, he's been having a friend (man) from work stay over and they both now share the same bed.
I called to ask if the guy will be there when my kid is there.

Folks, I know I'm neurotic and also traumatized severely from sexual abuse as a child and again as an adult. I worry constantly about my kid being victimized herself one day.
Not to say that it will ever happen to her but I have to always worry.
That's what parents do, and that's what I do.

My ex blows up on me, I ask him if his friend will be sleeping over, he says "NO HE WON'T!
By my "friend" he's referring to my boyfriend who's visited me this weekend (I loved every minute of btw).
This means my ex has grilled my child about what happens in my place *sighs*
So I get no answer, just my ex husband acting childish and possessive and a Fool!
Today I go to work, I was supposed to go at 5pm-10pm.
Instead I get a sleuth of confusing texts, I am to go in at 2 instead, but then another text that says no 5pm and Tuesday come in at 2.
Finally at 2:20, my boss says oh can you come in at 2:30??
Ugh I hate rushing. I tell him I'll be late.
I get to work at 3.
The day starts off slow then picks up.
It's utter chaos at work thanks to the waiting bins which hold patient medications in alphabetical order. I maintain those bins beautifully as if I've designed the alphabet myself.
Instead its all out of order which makes my job harder, and pisses off customers who want their meds NOW.
I meet a new co worker who was on Vacation. He's straight?
I don't know, he appears so, but he acts like he's Elton John. He's also the reason why my waiting bins are a mess. I dislike him for now on sheer messy principle. I'll get to know him much later and love him like the others lol.
My co workers are sweet and nice even old stick in the ass.

Elton John keeps messing up my bins, which are looking like Dyslexics right about now, but he's getting off soon and I don't work with him tomorrow thank goodness.
The day is fine, I get one old crazy bitch customer.
I'm required to ask for D.O.B (date of birth) before handing over meds, for verification. She's an old customer, I'm the new girl. She gives me grief for asking her to verify D.O.B, then when it's time to pay, she acts like a puppy, she doesn't know how to use the credit card machine, and needs help paying for things. Grrrr!
Some people I swear. I do my job and help the old geriatric buffoon.
Other than that my job has been good today.
My meds were refilled today so my boss had to ring them up for me. He didn't look at them, but I'm sure he'll look me up later to see what I'm on.

I'm sure it will go something like this.
*types search* "Ah there we go, Lou...oh lookey here, she's on Anxiety, Depression and Sleep meds. We've hired and anxious, depressed, insomniac."

My phone is on vibrate, and I get two calls I know, the first my sister, the second my hunky boyfriend..After awhile I keep getting weird calls from a number I don't know.
I call it back and it's my ex husband, my daughter has a school project due that requires Internet and he needs me to do it, because well? I guess he's just a lazy, stupid asshole that just can't be bothered to do those things.
He will drop her off after I'm done with work so I can do it instead.
It's time for me to get off of work and I walk home at 10pm clutching my purse. I'm nervous praying I don't get mugged.
My ex keeps blowing up my phone, I answer and bitch him out.
I told him, he had all day to do the project, why didn't he do it?
He says he owns no computer, has no Internet.
I tell him that's what public libraries are for. I can't do it all, I work now too.
I have no car so what do I do? I WALK, I  USE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have.

My daughter runs to me as I turn the corner of my block, I'm happy to see her although I'm tired.
I get started on her project which is basically just writing about the Summer Olympics and the athletes.
I run out of ink as I print out the last of her report.
He gets her a little while later.
I clean up my house and now blog.
I had a shake today and not much else.
My Eating Disorder is bad.
I thought I could get a handle on this once I started working, but the opposite is happening.
I'm losing weight and I'm not eating enough to maintain any.
Anorexia is not Bulimia.
Anorexia is worse.
I wish I could be different, I'm scared.
Deep down inside I don't want this, but here it is.

I'm scared for my loved ones, my friends. They don't understand Ed's so they will keep telling me things like "Eat, just eat something."
It's not that simple, God I wish it was.
I don't even know what Hunger, true Hunger feels like anymore?
I can talk myself out of anything.
I don't want to be given up on, I don't want anyone mad at me.
I'm so sorry for being a disappointment.
I don't mean to be.

Sometimes I fear the worse, think I'll end up hospitalized or have a feeding tube.
I don't know how to be all better. What is all better?
Feels like I get so far then fall behind all over again in a different way.
I hate feeling so alone with this. I wish I had someone in real life that I knew here with me. I feel so isolated and misunderstood.

Today my coworkers had pizza they ordered for lunch. I had none.
I've had nothing.
I wonder how much longer until I start to look sick and emaciated.
Who will love me then, put up with me. Wait for me to get better?

I'm really tired, in every sense of the word.
So that's it for tonight, need some sleep. Tomorrow is a long day.
I miss my daughter, my boyfriend, my sister..
I miss confidence, I miss certainty, I miss security.

One day at time.

New Blog!

https://newtounemployment.blogspot.com/2020/08/do-i-smell.html?m=1 Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...