Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

Have a good one today my lovelies..I'm going to try to have a good time even if it kills me lol. Today I will be super cautious about my weight..hehehehe didn't b/p yesterday so meh*sticks tongue out* stupid Mia!
Down another pound, taking a diet pill today, hope I'm not too jittery.
I will get this weight off and I will find my way back to restricting and away from all this b/p dammit.
Time to get this Ghouls day going.
Stay strong and fun today!
Here's the Final Pumkin carved..

I am Sailor Moon! I stand for love. And I also stand for justice. And in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Party Favors

Lol The Infamous "Dry Ice Bowl"

Oh and I wanted to share this with you lol..if you enjoy the Vlog please subscribe on Youtube..thanks!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Mobile blogger

Well I'm coming to you live from a blogger app..looks like Lou is on the go.
Tuesday went to see my shrink, as I'm at the front reception window requesting they page her, the front secretary tells me my shrink is not coming in today.
She didn't even have the common courtesy to call me and cancel our session!
What a cunt.
I'm requesting another shrink, I'm done with her. If she's not taking my recovery seriously then why should I?
On my way home and I run into the Handyman, I ask him for the hundredth time where is my stove?
He promises that Wednesday for sure I will get a new stove.
On Wednesday and I head straight to the leasing office and complain about my non existing stove, I'm reassured again that it would be delivered today. My knees hurt today, I have two large bruises, I have no idea where Iron must be so low.

At home and I binge and purge and take a diet pill. The Lipo6 makes me incredibly anxious after I take it. I have no choice but to take it, I want to lose weight it's the only thing it seems I can do these days, the only thing that changes for me.
The anxiety starts and so do the heart palpitations. The handymen finally show up in the afternoon with a new stove.
My husband is so overjoyed he suggests we go buy food to bake.
I want to b/p some more so I agree.
We get my daughter from school and head over to the market.
I feel bad and have a shake and some crackers..
The anxiety worsens in the car as I start to think of my weight going up.
My husbands driving makes me jumpy and I'm clutching at the seats and grinding my teeth.
My husband mentions Michaels arts and crafts store, and how he'd like to show me some Hello Kitty items they have, he knows I won't say no to this.
The drive is taking forever and I start to wish I had the Buspar with me.
Next to Michaels was Big Lots, I head in there frantically and buy a soda and grab a sweet cake thing by Little Debbie.
I drink and eat and feel better, maybe my sugar was low?
The voice is there nagging at me adding up all the calories, estimating at what weight I am now thanks to all this consumption.
Michaels is done and I walk out the store with more Hello Kitty swag.
In the market, and I grab chicken to bake and even cookie mix.
The drive home isn't that bad minus the fact that I want to purge.
I make bourbon chicken in the oven and bake sugar cookies. I make rice and kidney beans.
I binge on chicken and the beans, no rice for me too painful to purge.
I'm actually jumpy before I purge, the noises outside the door startle me, for the first time in a long time im really scared to purge.
I get to it and then something happens afterwards, I have an awful stinging in the middle of my chest and a huge cramp in my stomach that actually makes me double over in pain.
I start to wonder if I've finally went and done it, did I tear something?
My breathing becomes shallow and I need to lay down.
My husband is done eating and now has started drinking Whiskey.
He looks at me and wonders what is wrong.
I tell him about my pains and he just shakes his head.
I'm really dizzy and think maybe my sugar is low, the only thing I have left in my fridge is a Boost Vanilla shake, I drink that.
I'm cold and scared.
My husband sets up sheets on the floor and suggest I lay on my stomach.
I do and just really want someone to rub my back and hold me. I grab my iPod and open the messenger while I lie down. The Boy is online and we talk for a bit, I wish he was here by my side.
I would even take Happy Tuesdays comfort right about now.
Instead I have my husband, he props his feet on my back as if I were a makeshift ottoman.
I guess this will have to do.
His feet squish my back and it's distracting, my breathing starts to regulate. The cats even come lay down on the floor by my side and I pet them all the while wondering If I'm dieing.
The Boy is headed to bed, he has no idea of my distress, he doesn't know about the b/p, only that I don't eat sometimes. He always tells me that I better eat, I tell him sure, yes sweetie I ate something today.
After he logs out Happy Tuesday logs in and I tell him what's going on.
He's worried about me, Happy Tuesday and I despite all the sexual bullshit have turned out to become bestfriends.
He's the one person I talk to daily, and when he's not all douchey he is actually sweet.
He and I have actually had big blowouts over my ED, so much so we don't talk for a day or two. Part of the problem is he thinks I'm this strong kick ass girl who can overcome anything if I just set my mind to it. He doesn't get the mental illness of an Eating Disorder. He only sees the physical aspect of it.
I know his concern is genuine and he begins to worry for me.
My husband is really drunk now, Whiskey is not the best thing to drink for him, at one point in the night he reaches down and grabs my pussy forcefully.
I immediately get pissed and we begin to argue. The arguing doesn't help my current state.
He's jealous of my chatting online, wants to know who is it and belives someone is brainwashing me. Apparently I'm a dummy who doesn't think for herself.
 I wish he would just leave me alone and respect me.
One day I fear he may try to force himself on me. I've been manhandled by him in the past but never hit, my fear is he will just tire of me and just go to that dark place that posses men to think of women as disposable objects.
I end my chat with Happy Tuesday and continue arguing with my husband.
I'm scared to fall asleep because I still have the stomach pains, but I lay in bed anyways.
Before I know it I'm asleep.
I'm really tired today, I feel hungover but I know it's actually the exhaustion catching up to me.
My husband takes my daughter to school.
No more stomach or chest pains.
I'm not taking the diet pill, only before a workout.
I'm dying to workout.
I want to b/p today.
I hope I can resist, I have a Halloween Party to go to and a tight outfit that can't have noticeable weight gain. Ugh the Halloween Party, I really am not in the festive mood. I'm not looking forward to people doing cocaine and offering me any. I'm not looking forward to all that food and alcohol.
I'm going of course, I have to put all my bullshit aside and be normal for my daughter. I hope today is better than yesterday.

Monday, October 24, 2011

5 Reasons You Should Eat Candy.

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Why wait till Halloween? Here's the candy that could help you lose weight.

1. Chocolate Can Reduce Your Chance of Heart Attack or Stroke
A new study backs up the best excuse ever to eat a Milky Way Midnight: People who ate a little chocolate every day were 40 percent less likely to have a heart attack or stroke, according to the study in the European Heart Journal. Pick a piece of dark chocolate the size of a Hershey's Kiss.

2. People Who Eat Candy Have Lower BMIs and Smaller Waists
Fans of fruity candy, rejoice! It's not all about chocolate anymore. People who eat confections of any kind have a lower body-mass index and a smaller waist than their candy-skipping pals, researchers at Louisiana State University find. Balancing healthy eating with the occasional treat is key.

3. Gum Keeps You Focused
Chewing gum improves alertness, a study from Coventry University reveals. Pop a piece when you need an afternoon pick-me-up.

4. Fiber and Antioxidants
The corn in that sticky popcorn ball has fiber and antioxidants. Nuke 1/2 cup honey for 10 seconds; add 12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips. Pour over 6 cups popcorn mixed with 1 cup salted peanuts. Stir; form into balls; chill on wax paper until firm.

5. In Moderation, It Can Help You Lose Weight
A sweet truth: Enjoying more treats can help you slim. People who ate four low-calorie desserts a week lost 9 pounds more than those who had one weekly splurge, research from the University School of Medicine in Athens shows. Those who felt deprived pigged out, but frequent sweets eaters were satisfied with smaller portions.

Another piece of advice? Try small portions. People given halved candies ate 60 fewer calories than those offered the same amount of whole ones, the Journal of the American Dietetic Association reports. Small-sweets eaters considered quantity, not size, and stopped sooner. This works for other treats, too, so slice before snacking!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

4 Delish & Easy-to-Make Meals Under 300 Calories

Chicken and Asparagus PastaWhole wheat pasta is a great alternative to regular pasta because of its packed fiber content and complex carbohydrates. Add chicken and asparagus for a well-balanced meal full of protein, potassium, vitamin A and folate.
3 cups whole wheat pasta
12 asparagus spears
3 chicken breasts, skinless and boneless
½ cup low sodium chicken broth
1 tbs. olive oil
¼ cup feta cheese
½ cup cherry tomatoes, chopped
Salt and pepper to taste
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
Makes 4 servings.
Cook pasta according to package directions.
Cut the chicken into bite-sized cubes and place in skillet with olive oil.
Add asparagus and mushrooms. Continue cooking until the chicken is done.
Add chicken broth, tomatoes and cover the pan until the asparagus is done.
Add pasta, seasonings and feta cheese.
Remove from heat.
Per serving: 204 calories, 15g protein, 6g fat.

Grilled Cajun Turkey BurgersA perfect, quick meal full of healthy fats, protein and antioxidants. Extra-lean turkey is a great source of protein, with only 2 grams of fat per serving. Leave out the bun and top with avocado and tomatoes.
1 package of Jennie-O Extra Lean Ground Turkey, 20 oz.
2 tbs. olive oil (or coconut oil)
4 slices tomatoes
Whole avocado, sliced
Cajun seasoning, to taste
1 tbs. garlic powder
1 tsp. onion powder
2 tbs. Worcestershire Sauce
Salt and pepper
Makes 4 servings.
Combine the turkey, Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper to taste, as well as Cajun seasoning, onion and garlic powder. (Use more for a spicier patty.) Mix everything together until spices seem evenly incorporated. Form 4 patties.
Heat 2 tbs. olive oil or coconut oil on medium to high heat. Place the burgers in the pan and cook on each side for about 4-5 minutes.
Top with tomato slices and avocado.
NOTE: For extra flavor, top with some chunky salsa. It adds great texture and more spice, with ZERO calories!
Per serving (one patty): 117 calories, 26g of protein, 1.5g of fat

Tomato, Spinach and Chickpea StewThis hearty meal is vegan and vegetarian friendly, but full of flavor and vibrant colors. Spinach is full of fiber, iron and zinc, while tomatoes are packed with beneficial antioxidants. Chickpeas (or Garbanzo beans) are a wonderful source of protein and folic acid, which is great for women.
2 tbs. olive oil
1 chopped white onion
2 cloves of garlic
1 tsp. dried basil
¼ tsp. chili flakes
¼ tsp. salt
2 tbs. tomato paste
2 cups cherry tomatoes, sliced in half
3 cups spinach
1 can chickpeas
Makes 4 servings.
In a large saucepan, heat 1 tbs. of oil over medium-high heat. Sauté onions, garlic, basil, chili flakes and salt until onion is softened, about 4 mins.
Add tomato paste, chopped cherry tomatoes, chickpeas and bring to a boil. (NOTE: If there doesn’t seem to be enough liquid, add in a little water.)
Reduce heat and let simmer for 20 minutes. The mixture will become thicker.
Heat remaining olive oil in a separate pan and sauté the spinach until wilted.
Add into chickpea and tomato mixture.
Per serving: 265 calories, 10g of protein, 9g of fat

Baked Halibut with Parmesan and Bread CrumbsHalibut is a very nutrient dense fish, full of magnesium, potassium and omega-3 fatty acids. It doesn’t have an overpowering fishy flavor, so seasonings, spices and sauces can be liberally added.
4 Halibut steaks
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 cup whole wheat Panko bread crumbs
¼ cup parmesan cheese, finely grated
2 cloves of minced garlic
¼ cup olive oil
1 tsp. dried thyme
1 tsp. dried rosemary
Lemon wedges
Makes 4 servings.
Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Place steaks in a baking pan sprayed with Pam (or other cooking spray). Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Combine the breadcrumbs, garlic, oil, Parmesan and seasonings together.
Pat breadcrumb mixture onto both sides of the halibut and place into pan. Add lemon wedges on and around halibut.
Bake in oven for 15-18 minutes, or until fish is no longer translucent.
Per serving: 295 calories, 45g protein, 6g fat

Baked Halibut with Parmesan and Bread CrumbsHalibut is a very nutrient dense fish, full of magnesium, potassium and omega-3 fatty acids. It doesn’t have an overpowering fishy flavor, so seasonings, spices and sauces can be liberally added.
4 Halibut steaks
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 cup whole wheat Panko bread crumbs
¼ cup parmesan cheese, finely grated
2 cloves of minced garlic
¼ cup olive oil
1 tsp. dried thyme
1 tsp. dried rosemary
Lemon wedges
Makes 4 servings.
Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Place steaks in a baking pan sprayed with Pam (or other cooking spray). Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Combine the breadcrumbs, garlic, oil, Parmesan and seasonings together.
Pat breadcrumb mixture onto both sides of the halibut and place into pan. Add lemon wedges on and around halibut.
Bake in oven for 15-18 minutes, or until fish is no longer translucent.
Per serving: 295 calories, 45g protein, 6g fat

How to Feel More Comfortable at the Gym

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Joining a new gym is a great way to jump-start your motivation and fitness routine. But the gym can be an intimidating place, especially if you’ve never joined one before. And it’s not just rookies. Even those who are already members can sometimes feel overwhelmed by the plethora of mysterious machines and sea of seemingly in-shape people. Here are some suggestions to help you feel more comfortable at the gym:

Set up an orientationMost gyms offer new-member orientations when a trainer shows you around, teaching you how to use the equipment. This service is usually free, so be sure to take advantage of it. You’ll feel much more comfortable during your workouts.

Remember, the gym isn’t just for “fit” peopleIt’s for everyone—no matter what your fitness level, shape, size, age, etc. You’re one of the many different people who use the gym, and you’re all there with the goal to become healthier—and that’s most important.

Don’t be intimidated by those around youMost people who go to the gym just want to get in, get their workout done, and get out. A lot of the time, people are so focused on themselves and their workout, they’re not paying attention to anything else. But if you do get a few looks, why not show those people what you’re capable of?

Know that everyone started out as a newbieIt might seem like everyone knows what they’re doing at the gym, but remember that they all started out as a beginner at some point. In fact, some people were in your shoes just a few months back, and soon you won’t be the new one anymore either.

Don’t be afraid to try an exercise classCheck out the group exercise schedule and see if any classes look fun to you. You don’t need to be fit to take a class—they’re typically designed for all skill levels. Before a session begins, let the instructor know you’re new, and they’ll get you acclimated. Group exercise classes are also a great way to learn the basics of exercise. Most instructors talk nonstop and interject advice throughout the class.

Hire a personal trainerEven just a single session with a personal trainer can set you up with a full workout based on your individual goals. The trainer will also educate you on good form, teach you how to use the equipment, and support you as you learn new exercises.

Visit during off-peak hoursMost gyms are busy in the early morning, lunch time, and after work. To avoid the crowds, schedule your workouts for mid-morning, mid-afternoon, or late at night, which could make you feel more at ease.

Implement the buddy systemRecruit a friend or family member to join with you. Having a gym buddy is a great way to stay motivated and stick with it.

Should I Count Calories or Carbs?.

Low-carb, low-calorie, no-carb, no-calories. Everybody's been on one of those diets, and I think we can all agree that for the most part, that's why they're called diets— they don't, you know, actually work. But if you're trying to lose weight, how important is it to watch your calorie count? Is it healthier to monitor the amount of carbs you're consuming, instead?
If you had to pick one, I’d pick reducing and controlling carbohydrates. Focusing on carbohydrates instead of calories is preferred because when you restrict carbohydrates in your diet, you will eat fewer calories overall.

Back in 2006, a group of researcher sat down to answer the ubiquitous question—what works better: a low- carbohydrate diet or a traditional calorie-restricted, low-fat diet? They found five tightly-controlled studies that met their criteria for comparing low carbohydrate to low fat. The collective findings from these studies brought two very interesting things to light:

1. After six months, people placed on low-carbohydrate diets lose a lot more weight. And I’m not just talking about a couple pounds. On average, low-carb dieters lost seven (and as much as 11) more pounds over the course of six months than those on a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet.

2. After being on the diets for one year, low-carbohydrate diet and calorie-restricted, low-fat diets yield about the same amount of weight loss. How can that be?

Did the low-carbohydrate diets just stop working? I don’t think so. Instead, I think that the people simply stopped following the diet. Which is another valuable lesson in itself--if you want to lose weight, choose an approach that fits you and your lifestyle, as once you go back to ‘regular eating’ the weight will come right back on.
You may now be sold on the fact that low-carbohydrate diets are far superior to calorie-restricted, low-fat diets; but what about total calories consumed on a low-carb diet ? Does it matter? This is where it gets interesting. In low-carbohydrate diet studies, the participants are rarely instructed to restrict calories. Instead, they are given instructions to restrict the types and amounts of carbohydrates they eat. They are told to eat until they feel satisfied, not hungry anymore, but not stuffed. When you eat fewer carbohydrates, you are automatically going to be eating more protein and fat, two nutrients that signal your body that you are full and satisfied. This ultimately results in you eating fewer calories.

As you can see, focusing on eating fewer carbohydrates (which a have 4 calories per gram) causes you to eat fewer total calories. You’ll be eating more foods that signal your body that you are full and satisfied. This two-pronged approach to eating less will yield more weight loss every time.

Energy Drinks Really Work?.

The latest energy boosters are concocted in high-tech labs and promise to give you a whole new kind of lift. But do they really work?

Ingredient: Guarana
Claim: Improves alertness and physical performance; reduces fatigue
The science: "Caffeine is a component of guarana, which is why it can provide similar benefits," says Kevin Clauson of Nova Southeastern University College of Pharmacy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. But since the amount of caffeine varies from 2 to 8 percent, it's hard to determine exactly how big a boost you'll get
Ingredient: B vitamins
Claim: Boost energy and metabolism
The science: "B vitamins help convert food into energy," says Nancy Clark, RD. "However, only a person who is B deficient will get any benefit, and it would take regular supplementation." And studies to date have reported that B vitamins have no effect on performance, a 2010 review in the journal Physician and Sportsmedicine found.
Ingredient: Taurine
Claim: Lessens exercise-induced DNA damage, thereby improving exercise capacity and performance
The science: Few scientifically accepted studies confirm taurine's performance enhancing powers.
Ingredient: Ginseng
Claim: Increases stamina, energy, and mental focus
The science: "There are many types of ginseng, and from what the literature shows, only Panax provides the full range of these benefits," Clauson says. "You need anywhere from 100 to 2,000 milligrams per day to see any real benefits." Most energy drinks contain much less.

10 Little Things You Can Do Today to Lose Weight.

1. Cut down on variety
The first few bites of any food are the tastiest; as you continue to eat, pleasure diminishes, so you naturally eat less. Multiple foods and flavors can lead you to consume more, so put only two to three items on your plate at each meal.
2. Start with soup
Vegetable and/or broth-based soups have low energy density (high in water content, low in calories), making them a great way to fill up without blowing your daily calorie budget.
4. Become a daytime eater
Metabolism slows in the evening, so calories eaten later in the day aren’t burned as quickly. Make breakfast and lunch your biggest meals of the day, and if possible, try not to eat after 8 p.m.
5. Don’t panic over a plateau
Once you’ve lost some weight, your body doesn’t burn as many calories during activity, plus it requires fewer calories to survive, further slowing weight loss. To get over the hump, increase your exercise intensity or trim a few extra calories.
6. Donate your "fat" clothes
When you keep too-big clothes, you're giving yourself permission to regain weight. For inspiration, hang a goal outfit in a can't-miss spot in your closet.
7. Be consistent
Weekends and vacations are great breaks—but don't take a break from healthy eating. Instead, regularly (or occasionally) allow yourself a treat. That way you won't feel deprived and have the urge to splurge on your days off.
8. Stick to one or two cocktails
It’s true that red wine and beer provide healthy antioxidants, but the benefits don’t increase beyond one or two glasses. And since alcohol stimulates appetite, it makes you more likely to hit the buffet hard.
9. Eat what you like—but eat less
A recent study found that women who were given 75 percent of their usual portions at meals cut their total calorie consumption by 10 percent. So if you love pizza, enjoy a slice—but stick to one.
10. Eat what you love
If you're going to have a treat, go for your favorite. Wasting calories on something you only sort of like will only leave you unsatisfied—and in search of another snack.

What Your Pee Says About Your Health.

It's kind of an embarrassing topic, but you've probably noticed that your urine isn't always the same. Sometimes it's lighter, sometimes it's darker, sometimes it's clear, sometimes it's cloudy. So what's causing the changes, and what do they say about your health.

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ColorYour urine can give you a general idea about your health status -- more specifically, your hydration. A lighter color is definitely better than a dark color. When our urine turns dark (like the color of iced tea), that either means you are dehydrated or your kidneys may not be working properly. Our urine turns dark when we are dehydrated because the kidney regulates our water balance. It senses that we need to retain water and therefore it decreases the amount of urine we make. The less water we get rid of and the less water that we have in our urine, the more concentrated the urine becomes and it turns darker. Ideally, urine should be either light yellow or clear.

Frequency and control
Frequency of urination could mean several things. It could mean a urinary tract infection, diabetes, drinking a lot of water, caffeine or alcohol. But it also could be the result of pregnancy -- natural childbirth can weaken the pelvic floor muscles, which control the urine flow. A common problem is "stress incontinence" -- a loss of bladder control with coughing, sneezing or laughing. This can happen as a result of the weakening of the pelvic floor muscles. "Kegel exercises" (in which you squeeze, hold and release your pelvic muscles) can help to strengthen these muscles so bladder control is improved. Other options to improve bladder control include surgery or medications.

The odor of your urine could really change depending upon your diet. For instance, everyone knows that asparagus causes a rather unusual smell. Unless you have other symptoms such as frequency, urgency, burning and pain, then the odor does not matter too much.

Red flags
Several red flags that indicate something more serious may be wrong (such as kidney dysfunction or bladder disease) are blood in the urine, persistent dark tea-colored urine, pain with urination, strong odor to the urine and excessive urination.

Your health in general
Overall general good health will improve bladder health, including eating fruits and vegetables, drinking enough water, exercising and maintaining a healthy body weight. The classic advice is to drink eight glasses of water each day, but more or less may be necessary due to your diet, activity level and body weight. The most important thing is to monitor the color of your urine, make sure you never feel thirsty (which means you are already dehydrated), maintain a healthy body mass index and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Monday was a nice relaxing day minus the 3x of b/p which almost creeped to 4 but I fought so hard against it.
The morning did start off giving me a kick in the arse.
The banks were closed and no mail, my mailbox was stuffed with Saturday's mail. Ugh Columbus Day aka Federal Iinterruption/Let's reward the Moron who accidentally killed an Indigenous people day!

I look amongst the usual junk mail and find a letter from Child Support.
As I read on its another form to fill out, the voided check I sent for my direct deposit was returned. This is the third time this payment option has failed.
I was also frustrated because I have no working stove or oven. I've gained weight from all the b/p, or rather its not weight but a poo baby from not laxing.
I'm lonely and sad and missing The Boy and my sister even.
My husband also gets a letter informing him that his wages have been garnished already, he is mad.
He starts to bitch at me for things that were already discussed to death.
The b/p commences.
My dear sweet Boy has the day off today. He is up early this morning as I log on to my Yahoo Messenger (  wanna  friend me? send  message along with request so I know you're human and not a Sex Bot advertisement..)
I start to talk to him some and he manages to cheer me up entirely.
He's ready to move next month, he tells me about his apartment and more importantly how much he wants me to live with him. I wish I could. I wish I could wake up to him everyday, have someone who genuinely cares for me and my kid, someone who I have things in common with, someone who I miss so much it hurts.
He makes everything okay and I secretly thank him and God alike for allowing another day to be tolerable.
At night Happy Tuesday and I talk,
Happy Tuesday is smitten with me, wishes he could see me too.
We can't see each other, his life is incredibly complicated right now, alone time between us is a planned event like no other. A Motel Date was planned for the near future, a date where we can actually drink and unwind, I've found the room at a reasonable rate which he will pay, but the timing is still up in the air.
Towards the end of our conversation I tell him that I miss my sister, I miss family, I miss being in a real relationship. I feel like a dust mote floating aimlessly through life. I have no direction or purpose anymore.
He reassures me as best he can but I can feel the shift, the divide of feeling positive and the depression rapping against my calm demeanor. Happy Tuesday continues to woo me. He tells me that he thinks I have beautiful eyes and he wishes I was there with him, that he wants me to kiss him. apparently no one comes close in comparison in how I kiss..
I wake up on Tuesday morning and groggily head to the shower where I shave and sob silently under the waterfall of hot water. I cry because I really miss my sister. I feel alone and misunderstood. I am those things.
I get ready and drop my daughter off to school, she has tutoring today so an extra hour longer she will remain in school.
I head home and the minute I get inside my husband pops out from under the covers like a pop tart.
"Guess who just called?" there is a twinkle in his eye.
I don't know.. who?
"Look at the Caller ID" that same light now accompanied by a huge smile, some secret or private joke unknown by me.I grab the phone an d look at the number, my sister just called?
My heart sinks to my stomach and I think this must be some kind of joke.
My husband fills me in on the missed phone call's conversation.
I call my sister back and we instantly overwhelm each other with apologies and tears.
She is sorry for everything that transpired, she just couldn't handle the depression, the eating disorder, my SUICIDAL tendencies and all that jazz.
I can be a bit much.
I have to see my shrink at 10am, my sister keeps talking and I don't want to end our discussion but I'm already late and have to go.
I rush to my car and speed over to the clinic.
There is a large crowd outside and then I see the yellow Do Not Cross tape.
No one is allowed in the building today, there was a robber who entered the building and robbed the Pharmacy of all the good drugs, If I wasn't mad already this would piss me off. So today no Therapy for us all.
More importantly, if my sister didn't detain me today by a few extra minutes, then I would've been in that clinic at the exact same time all that madness ensued.

I'm happy today because I have my sister back.
My sweet Boy is off of work and now I can truly go visit him.
I tell him the good news and he laughs, he already knew we would talk again, but he is excited at the possibility of seeing me next month.
The day continues to be good and at night I manage to webcam with my sister all the while having a chat open with The Boy..
At some point in the night I go to the bathroom leaving the computer unattended.
When I return my husband is at the desk.
After the talk with my sister is done I can see my husbands face getting more serious by the minute.
I knew this would happen, every time I'm happy he manages to come in and shit on it.
My daughter is sound asleep at this time and so I ask him what is wrong.
My husband is drunk from too much Whiskey.
He tells me that he knows about The Boy.
How does he know you ask?
Well because he was nosy and read my conversation from Yahoo Messenger.
A huge argument ensues and this time I step up to the plate.
I tell him that yes there is someone (s) else, yes I will be going to Orlando, and yes he does live there.
My husband asks me if this is it, the end?
I tell him it is, the past gets brought back up and more unnecessary past bullshit.
My husband says its over and he will be moving out.
I'm not sad because of this, on the contrary pretty happy its done.
I pull out a piece of paper to calculate my expenses.
My child support payments are only 80$ weekly-I can't live off of that.
My husband is ignoring my serious question and keeps on putting me down, he keeps making this all about him, like he is a victim.
I get fed up folks and stab him in his thigh with the pencil.
He did not see that one coming.
I didn't break the skin lol..I just wanted to be heard.
So now after an hour or so of fighting, he leaves.
That's it, my marriage is officially over.
I'm getting drunk, and Ive just binged on crackers.
I purged 5x today already and my teeth hurt real bad, my throat is swollen from all the poking with my sharp nails.
I have no idea how I will survive this month, i have to cut the cable and phone and Internet off.
You may not hear from me anymore..I don't know.
I can only afford my rent and light.
My husbands birthday is next week and he hasn't renewed the insurance yet, he told me to do it.
That's 400$ dollars for a new tag and not too mention getting insurance under my name!
This month is going to be hard,,real hard.
I don't have a job and only 40$ in my checking account.
I'm going to apply for McDonald's in the morning and then apply to be a Web Cam girl as well.
I need money.
If I do get hired for the Cam Job-The Boy must never know about it.
None of my family either.
I can't get a costume this yr for me, right now all that stuff is now considered a luxury.
I'm not sad, I've been talking to my sister who has been very encouraging and is telling me what I should do next.
The tears come only when I think of my daughter and how she will react not having her father here everyday.
I think I'm done, gonna keep drinking and then bed.
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Five Myths About Your Abs

We all want a nice, flat stomach and strong core. There are a lot of myths out there on how to achieve this, so let's take a look at the five biggest.

Working your core will get rid of "Love Handles" and the "Pooch"
When you do core exercises that work your abs, you're stretching and toning those muscles, but you're not doing much to reduce the fat in the stomach area. You also can't target specific areas of fat loss in the body through certain exercises alone. The only way to reduce fat is through diet, cardio, and strength training exercises.
It's all about crunches...the more the better
Crunches are great, but they only work one small part of your abs. Not to mention that crunches alone won't do much for your overall physique. Actually, the best ab exercises incorporate a whole range of motion and use several muscle groups. Think of the classic Pilates roll-ups that engage several muscle groups and accomplish a lot in just a few reps.
There are food and supplements that can burn abdominal fat
Nope. No magic food that goes into your stomach that flattens and tones it. Yes, there are some foods that can bloat you in the mid section like carbonated drinks, alcohol, sodium and dairy. But nothing beyond a healthy diet and exercise plan is going to reduce fat in your tunny area. You can reduce bloating and gas by increasing your water and vegetable intake, but that's about it.
You have to work your core every day to see results
While your abs are a muscle group that you can train everyday, it's not necessarily beneficial to do the same exercises day in and day out. Your muscles need time to heal and repair in order to get stronger. If you do a wide range of exercises that engage several different muscle groups within your core, that's fine to do every day. But the same crunch routine every single day will not do you any more good than taking a day off here and there.
It's all about the abs for a flat stomach
Not true! A flat stomach comes from a strong back, legs, and good posture. In order to get the best benefits from an ab workout, you have to work out the complimentary muscles in the back and the legs. Be sure to work your lower back and upper legs through exercise in order to support the muscles in the core.

Work It!

Best Power Foods for Working Out

Every day, you make food choices. Turkey bacon or regular? Whole grain toast or bagel? Milk or juice? The food choices we make each day have an effect on moods, energy levels or something as simple as satisfying a craving. For those who exercise, choosing the right foods is essential in boosting the metabolism and energy to get an efficient workout. Making beneficial food choices also helps us get the nutrition we need to make sure our bodies cooperate before, during and after exercise. If you are working out, there are plenty of foods you can eat to make sure you drop weight, stay satisfied and experience higher levels of energy:
Avocados: Not only are they delicious, but they are healthy for you. Avocados contain healthy fats that improve heart health and strengthen joints and muscles. For those who do strength training and running, avocados are a daily essential. Add a few slices of the fruit to salads and sandwiches to boost healthy fat intake.
Bananas: Ever get a terrible leg or side cramp in the middle of working out? A lack sodium is one of the main causes for cramping, but studies show that adding potassium to the diet can help reduce cramping occurrences. The tasty fruit also contains carbohydrates, perfect for those who want to maintain energy during a workout. Another food that helps with energy boosting and potassium levels? Carrots. The vegetable is also helpful in controlling blood pressure levels. Snack on a banana or carrots prior to working out or add them to your favorite foods for a healthy meal.
Cottage Cheese: This diet staple does more than help you lose weight. Cottage cheese is high in protein, which is essential in repairing muscle after a hard workout. It's also low in fat, which makes it a perfect choice for a mid-afternoon snack paired with fruit or as a side dish to a healthy breakfast or dinner. Pair cottage cheese with banana for a satisfying, but healthy, pre or post-workout snack.
Eggs: Eggs have gotten a bad rap for raising cholesterol levels, but when eaten in moderation they are actually good for you. Whole eggs contain essential minerals, like iron, that helps provide oxygen to the muscles for an effective workout. Eggs also feature lecithin, which maintains healthy brain functioning. Having one egg a day keeps you within the recommended limit of 300 milligrams of cholesterol, and there is plenty you can do with it. They can be hard-boiled for a mid-morning snack or added to a salad or you can scramble one up to pair with a whole-grain English muffin and fruit for a satisfying breakfast.
Yogurt: If you're watching your weight, yogurt is an amazing substitute when you're craving something sweet. The power food is also great for your health. It contains probiotics, which are necessary to maintain healthy bacteria levels in your stomach and intestines. The texture also makes it easy to digest, so you can easily have a snack before a workout. Yogurt contains proteins and carbohydrates, making it an ideal choice before or after working out.
Oranges: No matter what time of year it is, there are always oranges available at the grocery store. Oranges are also a great source of vitamin C, which boosts the immune system and helps muscle repair. Research has also discovered that vitamin C produces collagen, which is essential in skin and bones. Collagen keeps bones strong and prevents pain in the knees - which is perfect for those who love to run.
Each of these foods is not only healthy, but they ensure you get the most out of your workout. By sticking to a healthy diet, you can boost energy and metabolism, as well as help your body repair itself after exercising.

Thunder Thighs

Best Exercises for Your Inner Thighs

The inner thighs have been a trouble spot for many people when they're working out. While the key to cutting fat in this area lies in cutting calories, burning fat and increasing lean muscle mass, there are some exercises that can help tone this area. Here are five of the best exercises to tone the inner thigh region.
Sumo Shuffle
This is a fun, but grueling workout that helps work the inner thighs and also has a fat burning component. Standing with your feet about shoulder width apart, shuffle to the right twice and perform a deep squat at the end. Repeat to the left. Continue shuffling back and forth, eventually getting some air between the shuffles so that they're more of a hop. Do about 25 total to start and work your way up to 50. It might seem easy but you will definitely feel it the next day.
Sitting Leg Circles
Sit on the floor with your feet as far apart as you can comfortably sit. There should be no strain at all in the legs and lower back. Place your hands on the floor in front of you and while using your bottom and your right leg to anchor your body, lift the left leg off the ground an inch or two, and perform ten circles clockwise and ten circles counter clockwise. Repeat on the other side.
Leg Raises
While standing with hands on the back of a chair for balance lift your left leg up and to the left as high as is comfortable, and return to midline, but don't place it on the floor. Repeat ten times to the left, switch legs and repeat ten times to the right.
Medicine Ball Squats
Start by standing with your legs wide apart as much as you comfortably can, then holding the ball, bend your knees to the side and lower the ball towards the floor, while keeping your back straight. Contract your leg muscles and squeeze your inner thighs and buts while rising up. Perform 10-15 repetitions working up to 25.
Resistance Lifts
Using a resistance tube you can give your muscles some force to work against and add strength. Sit on the floor, then wrap the resistance tube around the bottom of one foot, and slowly lie down, with the other leg bent. Make sure you hold the tube firmly, while moving out and moving in your leg. Do 12 repetitions, then switch sides and repeat. Be sure to move in a range of motion that does not strain your knee or hip joints in any way.
These exercises combined with a cardio and strength training routine will help to sculpt and tone the inner thighs. Keep in mind that these exercises will help build the lean muscle tone, but will not replace fat so a cardio routine and healthy diet are essential to success. But with a little work, you can kiss that problem area good-bye!

Insanely Slim

 Diet Pill Ingredients Can Cause Mood Swings

About 30 minutes after taking an "all-natural" green tea diet pill, the anger started. The slightest noise sent me into a rage and I snapped at every question anyone dared ask my way. It took five hours for the effects of that "all-natural" diet pill to wear off. At the time, I did not link the diet pill to the mood swings, but after a few days of taking those little green pills, I realized these were no normal bouts of anger.
5HTP may cause an unsafe rise in serotonin levels. If you are currently taking medications for depression or anxiety, 5HTP is not a safe diet pill ingredient. 5HTP is proven to boost serotonin levels, which is the same effect anti-depressant medications have on the brain. Boosting serotonin too high can cause serotonin syndrome. Serotonin syndrome presents with a variety of symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, hallucinations and rapid heart rate. Patients with bipolar disorder should not take 5HTP.
SAM-e may cause hypomania in bipolar patients.SAM-e is all natural and safe, because it naturally occurs in all things living, according to the SAM-e website. Despite being all-natural, SAM-e is proven to cause hypomania and mania in patients with bipolar disorder. Depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder are symptoms of bipolar disorder. Patients taking medications for any mood related diagnosis should avoid SAM-e.
Kava kava may relax you, but at what cost. Kava kava is a natural treatment for insomnia and anxiety. It tranquilizes the body without interfering with brain function or clarity of thoughts. Unfortunately, the supplement may cause liver damage. Prescription medications for depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder are metabolized by the liver, in some cases. Taking kava kava with prescription medications in these categories is like pounding the liver with a one-two punch. Kava kava, working in conjunction with an anti-anxiety medication may take mood down too far, causing depression or inability to stay awake.
Phenylethylamine may boost mood, but it also boosts mood swings. Who would have ever thought chocolate could negatively affect mood? Phenylethylamine is common found in chocolate. This chemical is the reason chocolate works as an aphrodisiac. Diet pill companies often include concentrated forms of phenylethylamine in diet pill formulas. Some diet pills will list warnings in the fine print on the official supplement website stating the potential negative side effects of phenylethylamine in patients with mood disorders. These warnings are not printed on most product labels.
What ingredients affected my mood? The diet pill I chose seemed safe, according to the label. The ingredients included acai fruit, Hoodia Gordonii extract, yerba mate leaf, guarana seed extract, uva ursi extract, capsicum fruit, polygonum cuspidatum, green coffee bean extract, fucoxanthin wakame seaweed. None of these ingredients is known to cause mood swings or anger, but the effect I felt stopped after I stopped taking the supplement. It just goes to show that even a seemingly harmless diet pill can cause negative mental side effects.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Me, Myself and ED

I've started speaking to Happy Tuesday again.
I've half forgiven him for being a huge liar.
What is that colorful saying, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with?"
I don't love Happy Tuesday, to be honest he's not even that good in bed, but he is something to do. I am bored to death and lonely. i don't mind our friendship, he's someone I like conversing with, but he says he desires me a lot and wishes he could have me every night. I really don't care if we ever sleep together again, but it seems I can't get the friendship without giving up some ass either?
I wish I had a penis, then I'd be the one calling all the shots.
So Sunday night we agreed that we would see each other on Tuesday after my therapy session. This was the plan.
Now Monday comes around and my husband insists on using my money to pay for the tags on the car.
I'm left with 20$ to my name which I hold onto because Happy Tuesday lives really far away and I would have to gas up my tank.
My husband and I don't argue, I pay for the tags silently protesting, and then proceed to get things ready to see Happy Tuesday.
My husband says he would like to go see Halloween Costumes because my daughter won't let up on the matter and he lives to please her.
So we head to Party City and goof around in the store before Finally coming across the Wall of Costumes and about four sales people standing around asking if we need a basket or help. We don't on both.
My daughter wants to be Scooby Doo. I try to talk her into a Princess outfit or something girly.
I was a Tomboy when I was little, but then again, I also liked girls in my adolescence, so I'm kinda butch too.
I just want the best for my daughter, and as a parent you hope you don't pass genes and traits along to your children. I wouldn't like passing the ED trait to her or even any Gay genes. Not that having either of those things makes you a horrible person because they don't, but I fear it may make growing up that much harder than it already is. Whatever happens to her or she decides I'll love her no matter what.
In the meantime, I try to doll her up as much as I can. She refuses this process, the sandals, the nail polish, the hair done in a style, dresses..She likes to jump around and wear sneakers and shorts, she likes her hair to imitate a mop. I guess I just have to let her be. I don't mind it, its the outside world that pisses me off, someone always has an opinion on how your child is being raised, makes me wanna spit nails.
So My Lil Miss B. refuses to wear anything girly for Halloween, she wants to be Scooby Doo.
I tell her if they don't have that Costume she will have to chose something else, she then says to be in a serious and sure tone "If they don't have Scooby Doo, then I'm not trick or treating this year."
Well she told me lol.
We manage to find her costume, it was the last one in her size too. My husband doesn't dress up for Halloween anymore, not since my daughter was born.
This year he wants to dress up. I always dress up, in my fantasy world Halloween and dressing up would be everyday.
I'm currently torn between two Costumes..
Either a Sexy Nurse or A Lady Gaga "Poker Face" Costume..So far the Nurse has gotten the most votes.

What to be?

After we leave Party City and head home, I continue the b/p and then Workout.
I have to break it to my Husband that I won't be home tomorrow.
He doesn't take it well, he bombards me with questions and then heads to the store for a six pack of beers. Why does he try to make me feel guilty, By my calculations I only get to leave the house once a month?
Its getting late and I head to bed while he stays up until 3am on YouTube and drinking still.
Tuesday and after I drop my daughter to school, I head to Publix and buy things to binge on before my Therapy at 10.
I leave my messenger open and check FB, no messages from Happy Tuesday yet, last time I checked we were still on for today.
After I purge,I shower and get ready for a long afternoon of cheap and easy sex.
My therapist is running late, I've missed half an hour already of our session. I hate tardiness, its so rude.
Finally she sees me, I almost didn't recognize her as she walked right past me, I've completely forgotten what she looks like entirely.
The session is short and I tell her all about my Husband.
She says I'm in an Abusive relationship and that I have to move on with my life, I have no control over the outcome, there is no easy way to end a marriage. I can't be so protective of his feelings.
I wish our session was longer, I was very interested in what she had to say.
I'm headed downstairs and out of the cold crowded building. Its nice outside, the sun is warm and the breeze smells like change. I cross the street to the now available parking lot and I always breathe a sigh of relief once I see my car unharmed and still there, no Tow Truck in sight.
My phone vibrates and I have 2 text messages from Happy Tuesday.
He's stood me up again.
Some explanation about a broken car and babysitting duties, blah blah same shit different day.
I don't even bother texting him back with a response.
I drive home and my husband is up and throwing up in the toilet, he is hungover.
"I thought you were gonna hang out today?" he's barely audible.
My plans fell through I tell him, and ask him if he wants to tag along while I do groceries.
We head to the Walmart where I buy binge foods galore. Still no stove or working oven so cooking is outta the question. Binge foods are appropriate.
When I get home I get another text from Happy Tuesday apologizing again for standing me up.
I tell him not to worry about it, and he thinks I'm upset, then the conversation takes a weird tone.
He wants to call me but I tell him No. I don't get a chance to tell him he can't call me because my husband is next to me, so the Happy Tuesday thinks I'm being difficult and then proceeds to rip me a new asshole. He sends me like three texts at a time while I'm barely one one on account of my cheap free Safelink Wireless cellphone or "Government Cheese phone" as I've dubbed it. I don't have a smart phone with a nifty QWERTY keyboard, I have that annoying text where you have to keep pressing until the right letter comes out. Pray to Jebus you don't make a mistake.
Now he's mad at me, and I can't even fathom why? He's managed to turn the whole conversation around. It instantly reminded me of this scene "Sprung with Divorce" from The First Wives Club with Dianne Keaton for some odd reason?

So we've had our first big fight.
I bought four bottles of wine, I'm getting drunk tonight because for some stupid reason Happy Tuesday's harsh words have hurt me. Why does this idiot get under my skin?
You're all probably wondering where is The Boy.
Well my sweetie pie has the day off. His friend from West Palm Beach who he hasn't seen in months is visiting, so I've decided to let them be, he seldom gets company since he's moved to Orlando. I also have made myself less available to him, I want him to miss me, but I don't always wanna be in his face and come off as needy, which is pathetic because I'm the older one in the relationship.
My therapist told me that she thinks living with anyone after my husband and I end things is a huge mistake. In her exact words "Moving in with someone is not a good idea, because you see how hard it is to get them the Fuck out."
Oh yea I forgot to mention my Therapist likes to curse..a lot. I think she used to be in the Navy?
I miss The Boy, I wish he and I lived in the same city. Sometimes I feel like I'm just fooling myself. Why does God put wonderful unobtainable people in your path if you're not meant to be with them? Its torture.
I'm binging now, so I'm gonna go purge then workout and get sloshed!
Hope you guys are well, I need a new diet pill.
I haven't taken one in months, wonder whats good out there. I think I'm gonna keep losing weight.
ED is the only one that remains when all else fades away. Maybe he's the man in my life, the only one.
Wish I weighed 80lbs.
All this b/p I've shot back up to 111.6lbs.
I hate it, I hate the way I look. Sometimes I think if I was to keep gaining then people wouldn't like me anymore. Is that stupid?
My shrink gave me Homework too, she wants me to read "The Secret."
We're gonna watch the DVDs in her office sometime soon.
She also emailed some woman in a Vocational Program to help me find a job.

Dear God, please help me. I'm so sad and miserable. If you're not gonna help me then please let me die already..I'm so tired of this life. Stop dicking me around already geesh.

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