Saturday, June 29, 2013

And she's gone

My daughter left with my sister this morning..
I haven't been apart from her for a long stretch of time.

I'm sad.
I miss her.

I'm not hungry.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Hello there!

Mini Vlog before work!
Jade & Bluprint!
Malece Miller!!
I'm rooting for these 3!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Enchanted Forest Park

Dropping In

It's been awhile since I've written last, but I'm still here and there's much to tell.
So first lets talk about work.
As you all know, my job is in limbo right now, the non existent hours are few and far between.
I was told by the "sweet manager" that apparently know I'm required to do a background check online??
I did one before I got hired so this makes no sense but so does a lot of requests in my line of work.
He goes on to tell me that until I do this, I can't go back to work, so I agree.
He tells me Friday by the way..
My boyfriend comes on Friday and is staying with me for some days since the kids are out of school, we go to the movies on Saturday to see Man of Steel which by the way kicks ass!
On the way back home, my car starts to shake and stall when I accelerate. I am freaking out because we are about an hour away from home and I have the kids with me, I'm traumatized from my last car and I'm praying my car doesn't break down in the middle of an intersection.
I call my older brother who's my impromptu mechanic and he tells me to drive to his job to look at the car, he told me to change the tire that most likely the delay and even slight shuddering could be because and I quote..."your tire has a titty."
I head to him and he looks at my car, my coolant is really low and it looks like the car was just overheating. He even gives me a used tire to remedy things.
The car drives back home fine in one piece.
I forgot the pharmacy closes early on the weekends so when I arrive at work, the pharmacy is already closed and looks like my online background check will have to wait another day.
On Sunday I head back to work and go ahead and fill out the required asinine check.
The "sweet manager" tells me to my face that he will text me next week's schedule.
It's Monday finally and guess what no schedule.
As a matter of fact I didn't work at all this week.
Can you believe that shit!?
I'm really worried because I have only half of my rent this month, and a week without work isn't going to help matters.
On Friday I check my bank account and by some miracle I have deposited into my account an extra 100$
I thought it was some bank error but its some reward program from the cable company since I used my debit card to pay my bill online.
Thank God for the extra money that will help towards rent.
On Friday also, I have to go to the post office. I have a package, which I thought was my book the last in the Crossfire Trilogy which I so desperately want to read already.
I don't have to show my Id or sign for the package, instead I'm handed over a huge white box??
When I get home I open it and its a box full of Armani clothes, a watch, shades and even a clutch!
I look on the box and it's not even addressed to me?
So if anyone out there wants to buy womans size 10, medium mens and women's shirts, clutch or shades please let me know. I could use the money.
I'll try to take pics of em and post em up for you all.
So back to the work thing; On Wednesday I get a text from the other pharmacy by my house and they want me to work there next Tuesday and Friday!
Also Wednesday I get a call from big boobs Mcgee...
She calls to tell me she walked out of work very upset, here's what happened.
She was at the hospital the night before with her grandma, she spent the night and had to work the next day, having no clothes except the ones she slept in which consisted of jeans and a Miami Heat jersey, she heads to the pharmacy, also she's late, very late.
The "sweet manager" and my fav pharmacist give her shit about her attire. You can't work casually, it has to be office attire.
She puts on her labcoat which conceals this but they gang up on her and give her shit.
She's having problems with my fav pharmacist because he makes slick remarks at her, calls her lazy and unproductive.
And so she has enough and walks out.
She calls me asking what she should do?
I tell her to call my kid's godmother, my very sweet friend who is her trainer. Maybe she has some advice.
Later on that day my kid's godmother calls me and tells me she's going to be fired because you never walk out, that's considered job abandonment.
My kid's godmother also tells me that they're hiring yet another tech for my home store and basically I won't be seeing any hours at all.
But now that she's gone and because she has so many hours they might be calling me again. Now I'll be in demand but she told me to only give them a day, because this other store wants me, as a matter of fact two stores do. So now I can be a bitch and they have to work around MY schedule.
Ah Karma!
Looks like I'll be okay after all.
Today Thursday the "sweet manager" texts me desperate for me to work tonight and I tell him NO.

Now let's talk about this and that..
My boyfriend is still here, tomorrow will make a week I think, we haven't managed to kill each yet lol.
It's nice having him around more than usual. The only annoying factor is basketball and the current playoffs with his favorite team. We're okay so far, although I feel like my constant need of reassurance may drive a wedge between us eventually.

My sister on Friday fainted at work.
She calls me frantic, it's the laxatives. Her Bulimia plus lax abuse are taking their toll.
She takes them every day.
I can't do much except tell her how to get better but the reality is her own Ed will decide how better she will get. We all have to manage best we can with our disorders...

Speaking of Ed, well I went three complete days no b/p.
I've b/p twice since my boyfriends been here.
He doesn't like it and today this last time I did it has left me drained.
I've been eating and maintaining, haven't gained or lost. I even went to the bathroom all by myself. I haven't had laxatives in a week and fuck do I miss it!
I want to act out so bad it's driving me mad.
I don't know how to not fully get this outta my system. It's been a week and I can feel the turmoil building. I'm frustrated.
Why can't I just be happy and just accept this stage in my life. What is this compelling thing in me that has the need to emaciate myself?
Why do I want to weigh less?

I fear my book may be lost in the mail, it's sucks so bad. I miss reading.
"Intertwined with You" by Silvia Day where are you??

Today was a good day despite the b/p.
I took the kids and bf to a pretty park that had horses and too much foliage. Omigod this this park have too many spiders and mosquitoes we were being eaten alive!
They had these trails that said "walk trails at your own risk."
Well no shit, it was like survivor out there.

Well that's it for now, I'm gonna have a glass of wine and find something to do with myself.
Hope you all are okay.
Night :)

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Don't even bother

I tried.
I just can't.
Seems like one day without behaviors is all I can manage.

I'm so sad my chest aches.
I can't even cry the way I want because my daughter is here and she keeps asking me questions. I don't even hear anything over my inner rage at myself for not making 48hrs free of bulimia.

I don't want to try anymore today. I'm going to chug the half of nyquil bottle that I have and not wake up anymore today. I don't care that my left kidney hurts so much today I can hardly walk or move without wincing.

I will never be okay with food will I?

I am so sick of the mere sight of myself feel like cutting my face to match my rotten insides.


Sorry for the long ass vlog, but was very tired and overwhelmed yesterday and going through so much in my head.

Today I am b/p free!
Day one complete.
I spent the day curled up with the second book by Sylvia Day "Reflected in you."
It's a great book but now I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the third installment to come in the mail.
I started re-reading "A walk to remember" by Nicholas Sparks. Its a beautiful book, if you decide to read this, have the tissue box ready.
My daughter is here with me today, she looks taller every time she comes back to me from her visit with her dad.
She's growing up too fast.

My left kidney aches in protest today, I took the remainder of laxatives I had in my house which wasn't much, all it did was loosen me up enough for me to have a proper bowel movement.
I'm catching up on emails, so I will stuff some of your boxes be warned, lol that sounds like a bad pick up line.

I really hope I can make three days b/p free, shit it seems so hard.
Anyways, I'm here and okay. Ate today, worked out too.
Successful day.
Lou 1
Ed   0

Now to top off the night with music and movies with my Lil Miss B!
Currently on repeat on my Ipod.
Iggy Azalea's "Work" lol seems so appropriate right now in my current state.

Night, night!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Sunburned Tuesday

The boys at work are missing the bowl so now we have bathroom rules. Looks like we gotta tell a man how to use his knob in the bathroom as well.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Over Thinking

I'm tired.
I'm worried.
I am not okay.

So I got my new schedule for the week, I'm only working on Tuesday.
I've paid my rent and just have enough left over to cover my cell phone, laundry and gas, and groceries.
I'm in deep doodoo.
What can I do?
Well I can worry, worry about my daughter and how I the man/woman of the house can provide for her.
I don't know how working one day every week will cover all my bills, I don't know, I just don't fucking know.

To make it all worse this stupid fucking eating disorder won't just let me alone.
It's demanding, it wants to take over, it wants to start the healing process.
When I feel most out of control, it wants control.
It wants to center me, keep me grounded, become a starting point.

I could listen.
It says things like "you are a failure, you will lose your apartment soon because you can't make rent, or you will have to downgrade as if I haven't enough already, as if I don't cut back enough.
You stupid girl, did you think you could actually make a life work without someone else taking care of you?
You're not fit to raise a child, you're not clever enough to work a job again. You are just too weak. If you could just die already then we could all just move on, but because you are still here every morning, I have to make it all better.
The first thing we have to do is get all this weight off, you've gained so much this year. This is a factor, this is why things are falling apart slowly for you.
Lose weight.
Exercise more.
Stop eating.
Stop b/p.
Don't get too attached to things, to people.
Noone can help you idiot, everyone is holding you back. Everyday empty words and promises. Stupid, stupid girl its just you, its just us."

More time to myself means more time to focus on behaviors.
I've stopped so many this year, am I any happier?
My clothes are tighter, my face fuller.
I'm not in control of anything anyone.
When did I stop caring about my appearance?
I'm so confused.

My teeth hurt so much, my hair is everywhere, it falls out so much I don't need haircuts anymore, it trims itself.
My kidneys hurt, from Ed or Alcohol? I don't know anymore.
I'm tired all the time, I crave sleep.
My ovaries ache and I have cramps, followed minutes later by vaginal spotting.
My body cries out for medical attention.
None will come of course, I need insurance and have none.

Hope is hard, some days I just don't have it, the bright side is obscured, almost to the point of being bleak.
I don't know how to be positive for long.
It's hard.
This fight is all mines and I don't know who's winning.
All I know is that my faith is being tested.
I see no finish line in sight.

I'm so tired of talking, I've run out of things to say.
Do you think Ill of me if I told you I almost went on a pro-ed forum tonight?
That I crave nothing more than to lose all this weight in any fashion possible as quickly as I can?
Deep down I feel bad about it but a part of me just doesn't care anymore. I really just want to be sick, to be as sick as possible because once upon a time that made me happy, even if just for a moment.
I hold onto that fleeting moment because most days it's all I have.

I'm sorry for my negativity but I'm just so scared of what's to come.
I have to provide for my little family.
I've lost everything once before.
I don't want to fail again, but it is what it is.
Life, it's hard.
We are not all meant to succeed.
We are not all happy endings.

I work tomorrow from 10:30-8pm..after that nothing.
I feel embarrassed going to work, I feel like a joke.
Maybe I'm deluded thinking I'm doing this great job, when maybe I'm not.

"Failure can be differentially perceived from the viewpoints of the evaluators. A person who is only interested in the final outcome of an activity would consider it to be an Outcome Failure if the core issue has not been resolved or a core need is not met. A failure can also be a process failure whereby although the activity is completed successfully, a person may still feel dissatisfied if the underlying process is perceived to be below expected standard or benchmark.
  1. Failure to anticipate
  2. Failure to perceive
  3. Failure to carry out a task
Loser is a derogatory term for a person who is (according to the standards of the observer) generally unsuccessful."-Wikipedia

So that's it, just wanted to vent a bit, maybe I'll vlog tomorrow. For now just wanted to write a bit.
Miss you all, have heard less and less from most of you. Be safe, as safe as we can be with mental illness.
Thanks for listening and not judging me.

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