The weekend came and went all too soon I'm afraid.
What felt like a nice mini vacation is over now.
Monday morning and it's time to make the doughnuts...
On Saturday was a lovely day at the beach.
My boyfriend came to pay me a visit, I was out of the doghouse finally. According to him, I'm only crazy 10% of the relationship time, the other 90% he happily wouldn't trade for anything in this world. He wants to marry me and keep me around forever.
So my theory on being a crazy girlfriend are all unfounded. I'm not that kinda crazy yet.
I wanted to go out and catch some much needed Vitamin D this weekend.
We had a nice time with the kids at Crandon park Beach. The kids and Michael didn't want to leave.
We finally had to at Sunset because the park closes.
We then head home where the kids play with the little upstairs neighbor girl.
I have a drink with my boyfriend and don't finish it. Instead after bathing the kids and putting them to bed come into the room and lay down for the night.
My phone has been blowing up all weekend long.
It's my older brother calling me from Prison.
He calls me constantly and its sad.
I sigh and groan internally knowing its him.
It's not that I don't want to talk to him, seems like even before he went to Prison I was the only family member that even gave him the time of day.
Now it's different, now it makes me sad because he sounds so depressed. He's very miserable and sick even in there. The prison Dr. has diagnosed him with Diabetes and high blood pressure. He suffers from Migraines and has heart and liver trouble too.
Looks like he may be in there for 5 years, 3 if he's lucky...or at least that's what the lawyer thinks although he hasn't been to trial yet.
I just don't know what to say to him?
I lied to him about my weekend plans, didn't want to remind him of the life he can no longer have anymore on the outside.
He said he saw a trailer for the new X-Men movie Days of Future Past; then made a comment about how it might be a long time before he ever saw a real current movie ever again.
After about the fifth time talking to him I've run out of things to say.
It makes me want to cry if I spend too much time thinking about him and all that's happened.
He thanks me for talking to him and writing to him. He wants me at his trial when the day comes and wants me to visit and send him books through Amazon or EBay. He wants poetry books, books on Tarot and books on magic and the occult even.
I told him to hold his horses for now. When I can I'll happily do what I can but first have to take care of my kid and my bills.
My weekend was almost made sour by the fact my period is on and super heavy. I've had debilitating cramps that have left me writhing in pain. I was scared to get into the ocean for fear of attracting sharks!
No sharks came but there was an incident where a sea slug flapped in the shallow waters near me as I was building a sandcastle with my daughter.
Sea Slugs; silent slow predators of the sea...
My flow is very heavy and Saturday night I felt dizzy and lightheaded so I called it a early night.
Me sleeping? Yes, something is amiss.
In any event lived through the night although I tossed and turned because of heartburn and cramps.
Sunday morning the house is quiet, the kids aren't up yet.
When we all wake up at noon, I make breakfast and my boyfriend and I watch a movie before playing the Wii with the kids. My boyfriend stays all of Sunday with me and I couldn't be happier. Wish he would never leave.
I ate this weekend, not much but I did.
I feel stronger when He's around because I know he loves me and is always trying to make me see that I'm a good person and I look beautiful to him.
Sometimes I almost want to believe it, but I'm scared to. Ed always reminds me to never let my guard down, always keep your eye on the skinny prize.
I was fine on Sunday until I went to take the trash out and ran into my flamboyant building manager who said "You keep gaining weight!"
He said this in front of another neighbor he was talking to, all I could do was laugh and pretend it was a joke. The minute I got inside my apartment, I sat in my room and cried.
I punched myself in my stomach and cursed everything.
My boyfriend tried to reassure me to ignore it and tell me how far from fat I was but you know how that goes.
Eventually I had to let it go for the night but in the back of my mind had a game plan in effect.
I drop my daughter off at my Ex's house around 8 since she wanted to stay longer at home and enjoy family game night.
I drive to CVS and buy Midol for my cramps and other things to feed the remaining house guests.
When I get home my boyfriend gets to read a rough draft of my latest novel chapter and later we watch more movies before bed.
This Monday morning my alarm goes off and its time for work.
I have to work at the store with New Mommy Central.
I set my alarm at 8am and get ready for work. My boyfriend has to go home so I drop him off at his step dad's Printing place and drive to Downtown. There is no traffic, the day is overcast and nice. I pray that today will be slow because I'm bloated and tired.
When I arrive at work there is no New Mommy Central but another pharmacist.
A very young Mississippi native who's just moved to Miami on Friday. She's my height, weighs about 115lbs with curly brown shoulder length hair and fair skin. I'm instantly jealous of her small thighs that don't touch and her small frame. Why can't I look like that? I remember I once did, what happened?
I introduce myself and we become fast friends.
Later on around noon New Mommy central shows up and tells me Inventory Day is postponed so she doesn't need me on Thursday, I can float at the other store I was promised to.
I also come to find out that this new country gal is my new home store pharmacist.
No more Big Gay Al?
My work husband has been banished.
Work is tough today.
I'm very tired.
I tried my best to make sure we catch up but there was so much to do.
It reminded me off first days with Dragon.
By 6:45 I'm punching out.
"Aww man, I loved working with you, don't want you to go" Country Pam tells me but I can't stay. I feel very tired I don't want to stay.
I punch out and go home.
A drink is in order tonight along with a few laxatives.
I didn't get a break today or eat more than 800 calories.
It's okay with me.
Tomorrow I work at the other Pharmacy where I park my car.
I only work for 4 hours but it's best. I'm very tired.
My apartment is quiet.
I'm upset that I didn't work out but suspect that the time to myself is ideal.
So that's it for now, just another boring day with this ever expanding Lou.
Hope you all are well.
Miss talking to some and all of you.
Monday, April 28, 2014
The weekend came and went all too soon I'm afraid.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
At around 11pm I go to bed.
My dreams are riddled with nightmares.
My mother is in at least two of em, I keep telling myself I need to move out because she is subtly sending hints that's it's time to move on. Time to fly the coop or nest or however the saying goes.
I even dream of my boyfriend although of what I can't recall. Such odd dreams...
I can't sleep anymore.
I text my boyfriend at 6am. These weird dreams plague me. I apologize profusely hoping for another chance.
I get a text at 8am on the dot from New Mommy Central urging me to come to work an hour earlier, Sunday the pharmacy was closed so that means we have 6 pages of Rx's that have to be filled!
I get dressed immediately and head out.
The drive is short, I skip eating today and it doesn't bother me.
New Mommy Central keeps threating to play Pharell's song "happy" if I don't cheer up.
She's genuinely concerned over my somberness. She keeps prodding as to what's wrong until I tear up and finally tell her. I hate that I've cried in front of her but it's the most sincere emotion I've showed since meeting her I think. I'm very private at work, so much so that people make comments on how quiet I am. There people aren't my friends. I haven't had real friends in a long time. I hardly speak about anything personal unless I know you which is funny as seeing how I write a blog and candidly tell you every aspect of my life. The truth is a lot of you I know very well, for years as a matter of stating and those that I haven't met yet, well that's okay too.
I finally break down and tell her that my boyfriend and I are not in a good place and maybe I've screwed thing up royally.
She is so sweet reassuring me that no one can be mad with me.
My boyfriend texts me back as if all is forgiven. I hesitantly continue the conversation. Seems like all is back to normal?
I cautiously allow myself to feel okay about this.
We work a lot and all day. I help out so much she constantly thanks me and is willing to give me two complete days off on Wednesday and Thursday.
At some point in my very busy day I feel nasty and can smell myself, I head to the bathroom and have bleed through my clothes, not a period but something else, I almost want to throw my underwear away but decide against it, instead clean them as much as I can with baby wipes and sanitizer, even spraying Febreeze on me.
I smell of rot and blood and copper pennies.
I want to go home.
I'm so self conscious I hold my breath in and constantly douse myself with sanitizer.
I stink and I don't now why?
I try my hardest to not bend down or crouch.
At some point my New Mommy Central says
"I can't lift my arms up because my armpits smell really bad."
I suddenly am overly grateful for someone else's fears in sync with mines...
I really need to see a Dr.
I'm rotting from the inside out.
Later as the day progresses we come to the scheduling issues, I've promised myself to the another pharmacy, New Mommy Central is upset but decides to just let it be for now.
She even may need me the following Monday which means I may have to cancel on a pharmacy that has been giving me hours when she hasn't.
After 15 minutes to 7pm, I'm off and headed home only to do modules that are due.
I come home to an empty house and immediately throw my bloody clothes into the hamper, I shower the stink away and wonder what's wrong now?
Is this all Ed related or something worse?
I distract myself with 3 very hard modules.
One of em are done the others not so well. I've given up entirely. I will try again tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired.
I've called my boyfriend today and he's ignored all my calls only texting me, I suspect I'm still in the doghouse.
Well the one good thing about any of this is, is that I am solely responsible for any successes.
Having no "Help" means another victory for my independence.
I sometimes wonder if this all a setup, if this is just teaching me to never depend on anyone but myself. I suspect my life to turn out in ways I never imagined.
I found out some rather distressing news about my brother in prison which I can't share.
My sister and I armed with this new development must act accordingly.
She has been very private as well about it all which I admire.
Its very true to be weary of people who want to know too much about your life, a lot of the times they frankly don't care, they just want to feel better about their own sad little lives in comparison.
Not everyone is your friend, cheetahs show their spots eventually, trust no one.
If they are not trying to help then they've never really cared and so you can always tell who you can trust and who you can't.
Be very careful, knowledge is indeed power.
Who will have the upper hand in your life we must ask ourselves.
Tomorrow I work with Big Gay Al, I'll bring him pastries and try my best to do my work.
It'll be a long ass day as I have truck and so much more to do.
I'm very tired and super depressed. I will go to sleep now, or at least that's what I think.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
With the door closed, shades drawn, the world shrinks.
Let's open up those blinds. But someone has to sweep the floor,
pick up her dirty clothes. That job's not mine.
Now that everyone's an enemy, my heart sinks.
Let's put away those claws.
I don't blame them for their curtain-calls because I pulled the rope.
I wanna call them back out for applause.
Spring and Thompson on the first of May is horrible.
We hid in catacombs. So now I'm sleeping next to mousetraps,
in a bed of all our clothes, while I hope that she won't come home.
It was easier to lock the doors and kill the phones than to show my skin,
because the hardest thing is never to repent for someone else,
it's letting people in.
Well you can come inside, unlock the door, take off your shoes.
But this might take all night,
to explain to you I would have walked out those sliding doors,
but the timing never seemed right.
When your helicopter came and tried to lift me out,
I put its rope around my neck.
And after that you didn't bother with the airlift or the rescue
- you knew just what to expect.
That with the door closed,
shades drawn, we're dead enough.
They don't open from outside.
And someone has to speak with their teeth behind their tongue,
to never let that right be denied.
We can't rely on photographs and visitation time,
but I just don't know where to begin.
I wanna bust down the door,
if you're willing to forgive.
I've got the keys, I'm letting people in.
Don't be scared to speak,
don't speak with someone's tooth,
don't bargain when you're weak,
don't take that sharp abuse.
Some patients can't be saved, but that burden's not on you.
Don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that.
Its been a very long weekend it feels like which I appreciate because I've been very tired.
My health isn't so good these days what with the random vaginal bleeding, the constant migraines and blurry vision, my erratic mood swings, my possible ulcer and oh of course let's not forget good old Depression.
Yeah I forgot what that fucker feels like when it comes on. It's been awhile since that shit has hit me real good, stealing any joy out of me, replacing joy with irrational sadness.
I've been randomly crying for no reason all the time.
This morning was the worst of it as I had to actually go to the bathroom and sob into a towel just to avoid scaring my daughter.
Drinking and Depression don't mix of course and oh boy do I not know how to follow directions.
Around 6am I find myself on my living room couch where I apparently blacked out from drinking.
As I'm typing this my hands tremble from the Alcohol withdrawal.
God I wish I could just stop drinking altogether. I ruin everything when I keep drinking past the point of it feeling good.
After waking up in a strange place I head to my room and my daughter is asleep in my bed?
I lay with her and she stirs and cuddles closer to me.
I hug her and the crying starts again because I can't recall most of my night.
I remember watching the movie Alexander on the computer and my daughter in my room on the tablet.
I remember a text from my boyfriend getting home or going home from church. I remember never letting the wine glass go empty.
I check my phone and have an almost 1hr phone call to my boyfriend.
He's not on my Facebook or Instagram so that means we had an argument, or rather he was being verbally abused by me more like it. It's never wise to argue with a drunk person, that's a fight where there are no winners. Drunks are mean and have the undeserving courage to help them hurt others when they are at their most weakest.
I wish he would've just hung up the phone or just not answered.
He didn't come see me this weekend, has been in Mass a lot this Passover.
I know this weekend I've been pissing him off with my mood swings. I internalize a lot and that's a landmine that goes off without saying.
I haven't reached out to him all day because well I'm just embarrassed to.
What can I possibly say to excuse the verbal diarrhea that slurs out of my mouth.
Jesus, just trying to imagine the mess I said makes me want to cry. I can say some dumb shit sometimes.
I don't know if I could ever be forgiven or not, but if you're reading this, I am very sorry.
You are never deserving of my tongue lashes.
I don't know if you will ever talk to me again or not, or if I even deserve your forgiveness, but I apologize nonetheless.
I love you a lot and that may be part of the problem.
Is this the turning point? Have I become a "Crazy" girlfriend. Those women you hear stories about that usually start like "I used to date this one crazy bitch..."
God I hope not.
Or maybe I'm in denial I don't know. Wish there was a support group for crazy bitches.
The problem I think is...(and let me stress I will self deconstruct now) that I am a contradiction in terms possibly.
I am an Independent woman who for all intents and purposes doesn't need a man yet is upset that she finds herself alone most of the time as if she doesn't have a boyfriend?
Am I explaining this right, I'd say no.
Maybe my problem is that I just have no one to come home to other than my 9yr old and some pets.
The one person I love and want to be around all the time can only see me on weekends.
This makes me sad. Makes me feel unwanted and makes me think the other person doesn't feel this way and isn't sad so the problem must be me.
I'm just too needy maybe?
Maybe I should just stop expecting it to be more than what I can have. Just accept that like it or not this is what your relationship is like, take it or leave it.
It's funny in my Novel the main character has a similar realization about her fiancée who works all the time and sees her sometimes. She says "Some of Bo is better than no Bo."
Some of my boyfriend is better than no boyfriend, because when I do get the some, it's the best feeling in the world. Feels like coming home after a long exhausting day and taking your shoes off and putting your feet up, feels like Aaaaaah Finally I can relax now!
I miss him a lot when he's not around, miss sharing things with him and doing nothing even.
My favorite is when we make new memories together like holidays or do things with the kids that they enjoy.
I have a serious codependency problem I think. When he leaves I get sad. It can't be natural because he doesn't get like that and so I think it makes me mad too, I take it as well you love me but you don't Loooooove me...and so the irrational anger is there because I feel exposed and vulnerable.
Then the self loathing kick in because well you stupid girl you're just going to get your heart broken oh plus you're fat.
So you see the rudimentary fundamentals of a crazy girls psyche.
I'm not fit to love anyone.
Now I've ruined this poor mans Easter with my Drunk Yoda Jedi mind fuckery.
As if he doesn't have enough going on without one more thing to worry about.
You don't ever have to talk to me again and I understand, enough is enough. Just know that I love you and I'm very sorry.
I fall back asleep. I'm suddenly woken up by my daughters foot kicking me spectacularly on my backside. This is why I don't like sleeping with her, she kicks and hogs the bed too.
I can't go back to sleep I'm too hung-over. I take a shower and start getting dressed.
I don't eat anything.
My stomach distends horribly after eating anything that isn't in a liquid form. I'm in a lot of discomfort and finally my food comes up all on its own.
I've lost two pounds since this all has been going on. I would rather just do meal replacements for now until I feel better.
My daughter wakes up finally and I feel sorry for her as she stumbles out of my bed, smiles shyly at me and goes to check on her hamster.
I go in the bathroom and cry into a towel. God this poor little soul stuck with me as a mom. One day she'll find out the truth about me, she'll put the pieces together and know that her mom was a drunk sad person who eats funny.
After I compose myself I tell her to brush her teeth and get dressed, we're going out.
My bills are caught up on so I can splurge a little on something not bill related.
I take her to GameStop to buy a Wii game we can both play that isn't so challenging and maybe she can win at. I buy Mario Party 8.
We get home and I make her lunch and play with her for a little bit trying to distract myself. Every time I think of a drunk Lou on the phone my stomach tightens and I rub my forehead in frustration.
My daughter and I play the Wii for a bit and she is actually winning which is nice.
My niece texts me on the phone asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her. I ask my daughter who says Yes.
We dress quickly and head out on this sunny day.
The toll booth we must go into is filled bumper to bumper in all lanes. It's a hot day and her dad's car has no air condition and only two working windows.
We finally make our way inside the long line and drive to our destination.
We head to a beach she's never been to, a beach that makes me smile genuinely. It's a beach that I mention in my novel.
I smh at the randomness, two novel mentions in one day, I must write soon.
It's very hot and the parking lot is full of cars, we park very far away and carry all our stuff.
This beach is perfect, big and full of life. People barbecuing, music blasting, impromptu Easter Egg Hunt. My favorite thing is the water. This beach is notorious for its sandbars. Low tide for miles, my daughter giggled in sheer delight and what looked like people walking on water.
"Mommy can we come back here next week when Michael comes over?"
Blow right to the chest. "We'll see."...or maybe we won't because your mom fucked things up good, no half assed here.
It took me awhile to get into the moment, to really be here and let go of things I said or what has happened. It's said and done and getting sad all over again will not change it.
You can either get through this or learn to live a life again all by yourself. So let it go for today and look at your daughter who's so pretty and happy today because her mom took her to the beach! There's no school today and I'm at the beach. She's been doing so well with her FCATS, she deserves her own distractions.
I forget that a lot. Forget that I'm not the only one going to little things that feel like mountains. Even her, she may have little things that need distracting.
My niece and I catch up, we all swim in the warm crystal clear water. We even build sandcastles, mines came out incredibly decent.
After sunset arrives the beach patrol get on their megaphones and call everyone out the water, they are closing.
I arrive home red and full of sand where sand has no place being in.
My daughter gathers her things and I have to drop her off to her dads house. Outside his apartment are a bunch of men standing around drinking. My ex-husband is one of em.
I briefly wonder how the rest of my daughters night will go?
Will she be inside alone on the laptop, will he keep her company or stay outside drinking with the neighbors?
I drive back home to shower and really cry this time.
Tomorrow I work from 10-6 at my Home store with New Mommy Central. I have to break the news to her about missing on Friday, she wanted me there till 6 but no boyfriend means no sitter so...
I hope the day goes smoothly and no more drama unfolds. I hope I can do my job well to the best of my ability.
When I get home maybe I'll work out or I don't know what anymore.
Pet the cats some more I suppose.
I hope you all had a great Easter. Mines was good despite the rest of what wasn't.
Think I'll go to bed.