Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Yeah so sorry about the 3rd video, Ol' ball n Chain came home and interrupted the taping of this..
Don't worry uploading another video tomorrow so we'll continue.
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Night to you all and we'll wrap this up Saturday!
Love you all-stay strong..
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I'm up and out the door on time this morning.
I'm not too anxious today.
8:30 and I'm still at the office. I was the second early bird to arrive here. Across from me is an older woman and her son, I kindly say good morning and get no return response. I don't know why I bother, must be these pesky things called manners, they're free in case you were wondering. My daughter has a class picture today, dress like your favorite teacher is cancelled. I've washed her hair and blow dried it. Straightened it as much as possible, I've also trimmed her bangs. That's all I can do for today.
I'm very cold today and my little black CB GB sweater is just not cutting it. My hands are so pale and my fingertips numb, purple even. Too many b/p episodes are taking its toll on me. I have to be at this office until 1pm. I've eaten a small banana and made my turkey shake, I've added vanilla extract to it today. I'm still experimenting with flavors.
I hope I can follow whatever is being explained to me. I've brought along a notebook for this very purpose. I'll scribble notes down in an effort to catch it all.
Last night I had one glass of wine and was out like a light. I'm grateful that I didn't end up drunk binging. My sister and I were on the phone late last night, we're making plans for next month. I'm headed up to see her for an impromptu vacation, just me and my daughter. I can't wait to get away.
My husband is staying behind to cat sit.
The office is too cold for me and it's too late to head downstairs for coffee. The woman next to me is lucky enough to have a cappuccino. After waiting for almost an hour already, I'm informed that the class will run until 3pm. I'm not happy with that, now I wish I had coffee. Good thing I brought along a Powerade and another banana in my purse. Looks like I'll need it.
So many people here today, I'm not panicky which is a miracle. I'm already thinking about the Subway restaurant in the lobby, they have both coffee and
5$ foot longs. I really shouldn't, maybe I should just stick to the coffee.
I have so much leftover food at home, I don't think I have the energy to fight off Mia today.
I feel nervous about my future suddenly, I'm thinking about what it would be like to start working again. Am I ready for that?
I really want to, I guess I'm just scared deep down inside. Moving on is happening one way or another. What if good things really are coming my way. I've been in the dumps so long, sunshine seems like such a foreign concept.
I'm not picky for work now, I will take whatever bone is thrown at me. I even feel like maybe going back to school or learning a trade. Nothing fantastic or life altering, maybe a Physical Therapist or something like Culinary or Pastry chef even if you can believe that.
So now I'm sitting here in the cold over crowded conference room filling out stacks of repetitive paperwork, trying my best to catch every little word that's uttered, writing it all down. So far I'm doing a good job.
My husband is the nervous one now, doesn't like the idea of me being away. I personally can't wait to spend time apart from him, I suspect we may even get along better this way.
Good grief it's only 10am now!
My class runs smoothly and I'm done. I have to come back next week and speak to my career advisor. I feel positive and in good spirits. I'm a little bit excited now thinking about enrolling in a school and learning a trade. We'll see what choices are out there next week. I call my husband to pick me up, he shows up late and dressed for work. My daughter is in the car and asking what job did I get. She wants to know if I'll be a teacher or Police woman. Those are her two current favorite dream jobs so far. To be so young and positively hopeful is a gift. I love my daughter so much, everything I struggle with is for her.
I will never give up.
I would like to tell you now that the rest of the day went well for me, but I would be lying.
I've b/p too much today, back to back I'm afraid. I even went to Dominoes pizza of all places. Pizza is a killer for me of course, but I've found a loophole-Thin crust!
I'm incredibly bloated now, all the b/p has ruined the Fiber's magic. I think my period is trying to come on as well, I have horrible cramps.
I've lost count of Mia's doing today, and now I'm really cold and dehydrated. Not to worry I am counteracting this behavior now with Gatorade and Water, Potassium, Magnesium supps and even more bananas. Trying to repair some of the damage. I've told myself already that tomorrow I will not indulge in this nonsense. I will try to salvage the weekend Mia free.
My eyes are really red, I think too many vessels popped and I have a huge awful blister in my mouth. Hard and purple full of blood or something disgusting. Bulimia is not pretty. I didn't even workout on the Elliptical today. Mia has stolen some days from me. I know my weight will be horrible tomorrow. I hope I can starve this weekend to balance out my fumbles.
Vlogging tomorrow and maybe a story? Let's see if my horrid memory can allow me recall how this Ed started. I hope I can get it all, my memory is so fuzzy, seems like I can't remember my own name at times. All I seem to be able to do is just survive day by day and being incredibly surprised when I do.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
This morning I'm suppose to head out Workforce, an agency that helps employ people.
I'm not looking forward to this because it means that I would have to be in close quarters with strangers and worst of all pay attention to things that would be explained to me.
I have a hard time remembering things, especially with someone Else's explanation. I'm already in a bad mood from last night's late and unnecessary binge. I'm really anxious, my breathing is starting to get shallow. I fear a panic attack is on the horizon.
I wake up at 5:30 this morning instead of six and start the school routine.
Today is crazy socks day at school. My daughter has a few pairs to pick from.
I feel light headed and after taking my pills feel nauseous. The pills feel like they are digesting in my throat instead of stomach. I hope they don't come up again on their own. Sometimes I'll bend over and whatever I drank earlier would try to come back up too.
Be careful what you wish for.
My daughter had crazier socks, yet this morning she chose these, said she wanted to save the craziness for another day. Well I won't argue with her, she likes to dress herself now and her fashion choices always put a smile on my face, she has her own personality and style and I won't ever take that from her.
After dropping her off at school I'm really dizzy and know for certain this is a prelude to the day. I decide to binge as soon as I get home. I'd cave eventually today. I had a pork shoulder marinating in the fridge that has to be cooked today. I've been dying to eat pulled pork for awhile now, so here's my chance.
To make a decision like today I will binge is a different animal entirely, my mood is altered and the disappointment and misery that accompany this are nowhere to be found. The meals are planned and the day is calm.
I know that I will be fine if I can just get this out of my system.
So I have.
At home and my husband is asleep, I am at the computer desk online quietly binging and chatting with a friend. I am trying to be as quiet as possible, I know my husband will not nag me about binging, but he doesn't like it and now that the shake deal has been made I feel embarrassed to even be seen eating. I thought I could pull this off but no, he lifts his groggy head from under the covers.
"What time do you want me to drop you off at that work thing?" he asks eyeing the various food items scattered all over the desk.
I must look like a pig, maybe it's not my spine that I sit on, but rather a curly tail?
I tell him its not time yet, that he can sleep some more. He is restless in the bed but manages to quiet enough for me to assume he's fallen back asleep. I go ahead and wrap things up. My first purge and the pound that was gained is now lost.
Here we go, the can of worms is now open.
When its time to go, I pack in my purse a powerade and even a banana. I feel sleepy, I'd love nothing more than to sleep.
Please, please, no panic attack today..
The office is rather large and I head into the building. I notice from the corner of my eye that my husband's car is still in the vicinity, I step back out the door and give him the universal shoulders raised, as if to say what are you doing?
He wanted to make sure I had the right place, or so he says.
I honestly think he's just checking up on me. He's paranoid.
Karma is a beautiful thing, and it never fails. An affair is always messy business and he knows that. While there is no other man in my life right now, rest assured its in the cards that there will be one. Kinda funny actually that my tarot says it will be a co worker.
Hmm maybe this workforce thing is a sign of things to come. I actually feel like things are moving at full speed ahead now. I may actually get what's coming to me.
In any case, I believe my husband knows this too and is genuinely worried now. I'm not a bad person, and I think I can safely say despite the crazy that I sometimes project there are things about me that dare I say are lovable. I may even be a catch?
Bottom line, I'm due for someone who deserves me. I'm ready for my match whoever this person is.
My husband leaves finally and I head upstairs to the eleventh floor for my orientation and sign in.
I'm nervous now and feel incredibly self conscious. I'm glad I brought a sweater because it is cold inside. The central air is on full blast, this only makes me sleepier. At the front desk and the bitter looking short and stocky brunette addresses me.
"What can I do for you?" she asks in a voice that doesn't go with her appearance.
I'm here to register.
The lady rolls her eyes at me!
How rude. She tells me that registration is on Thursdays and at 8am, so not only do I have the wrong day, I'm like two hours late.
I'm given a schedule and am practically almost shooed out of the office. This is why I avoid people like the plague..
I lost a day, I thought today was Thursday. I hate getting mixed up like that, makes me wonder about my sanity. Looks like my daughter isn't the only one wearing crazy socks today.
Great now I have to do this all over again tomorrow, hope she has the day off.
Home now and I take off everything except my undies and hop into bed. I thought that I would have to fight to sleep but I don't. I close my eyes for a second and don't wake up for about an hour, almost two.
I have to make myself wake up, the sleep was wonderful but I still feel so exhausted. Its time for my daughter to come home. The pork shoulder in the slow cooker is almost done, I have to make rice and mashed potatoes.
I have a missed call on my phone and it's my oldest brother. I wonder what he wants?
My husband leaves to get my daughter and I return the call.
My brother wants to come over and use my printer, he's also leaving for Jamica until Monday. I'd like to see him before he goes, good thing I've made a lot of food. After we end the call I decide to bake a cake, I plan on feeding my poor widowed brother who's been living off Church's Chicken and Taco Bell I'm sure.
The food is almost ready and my brother is not here yet, I still feel like more b/p. I know if I don't and he's here I will be in a bad mood. So I go ahead and binge, a small one, so small my weight only goes up two pounds.
Relief, then the food is all done, cake too.
My brother is still not here and my daughter wants dinner, looks like we eat again. So now that makes 3x and that's the maxium allowed, except that I feel more and more awake and aware after each purge. I start to feel better not worse.
I didn't even get a chance to try the cake.
My brother finally arrives and its food and Avatar, small talk and catching up. The visit isn't too long and the minute he leaves, I have my cake and eat it too.
So now here we are, one pound down again and 4x purged.
Tomorrow's Autism activity is cancelled, instead it's Class Picture Day at the school. I have to be at the office at 8am, the same time my daughter needs to be at school..
It sounds triggering already as I am the only morning person in the house who belives in schedules. I need to get her in the shower and do something with all that hair. My husband takes forever to get up, I hope I don't chew anyone's head off tomorrow morning.
I didn't even get to work out today. No matter I'll try to stay positive and hope that the day will start off well and I get done what's needed.
I have no idea if Mia will visit again or not, but all I know is that I will be plenty tired for sure.
I hope you all are well and I hope you are raising awareness in some small way out there. I'd love to live and see the day when Eating Disorders would be taken seriously instead of just this odd thing that gets laughed at and stereo typed.
Maybe then will recovery be something easier to achieve. Not so hard and even affordable, insurance companies finally realizing that this is an illness that needs looking after.
Goodnight all, I'm off to bed for much needed rest. I'll see what I can tell you about me and my Eating Disorder tomorrow.
What can I say about it really that isn't as plain as the nose on my face?
Monday turned out to be a b/p free day after all.
This morning was Dress like a rainbow day at school..
She actually wants to wear this get up more often!
The atmosphere this morning was good as is the weather lately, I don't feel cold anymore these days..
I woke up in great spirits and managed to maintain my weight. I haven't lost anymore but I haven't gained either so I'll take the trade.
I can't believe I actually had a deadline set in mind for next month, I obviously won't make that, I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself.
I have no idea when all this weight will come off, all I know is that my habits are not helping.
I don't sleep and I've just started to actually drink more fluids again.
All of the b/p are not helping matters. I'm exercising more but I'm actually eating less calories. I have hardly any safe foods left. I need to really map out what is going on.
The meal replacement shakes are a great idea but I have to really stick to them, the b/p in between just set me back. I don't like my body today, I feel like I can't see any definition anymore, I feel like a blob.
I drop my daughter off at school and then head to Walmart for more shopping, I've found the rest of the accessories for her Cinderella costume. She's going to look so cute. My husband tags along and is incredibly draining and at one point triggering. His mood is awful as he is clearly hungover. He's drinking too much, he finished a bottle of brandy and still unsatisfied went for my wine and opened a nice bottle of Merlot I was saving. He even had munchies later on in the night. I managed to avoid him entirely last night by staying online chatting and looking at Youtube vlogs I'm subscribed to.
I've already had a shake this morning and of course the effects are starting to weigh me down, by then its time to head home anyways.
I've taken all my supps this morning and the oddest thing started to happen.
The pills began to slowly creep back up on their own. They almost made me choke. The ginger and fish oil were the worst to taste when that happened.
I've heard about this happening, after awhile your body will regurgitate food or drink all on its own. I guess I've worn out a lot of muscle in my insides.
After my turkey shake induced coma nap, I wake up and shower, I need to workout as I managed entirely to not to yesterday. Another shake and then a very nice 700 calories burned.
I actually pushed myself well.
I'm chatting with my sister and suddenly a drink of water turns out to be incredibly triggering. To top that off I make the mistake of weighing again. Of course its up and the pound I've lost is nowhere to be found.
What can I do now but binge.
I get full quick of course and have to go purge, my husband is off today and still up and lingering about the house. I hate that he puts the volume down on the TV while I'm in the bathroom. I can't purge right, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I don't get it all out I think. FML!
I'm 10 kinds of pissed off right now you just have no idea.
I'm real tired too, my eyes hurt and so does my head.
I get back in bed afterwards and an IM window pops up on screen. It's someone I want to talk to but have no real energy to. I planned on going right to sleep.
So of course I'm not in the best of moods and this person wants to know why.
I just tell them that I just really want to avoid people right now, (in general no one specific) its mostly in part because I have an appointment in the morning for a work agency and I'm not looking forward to being in a roomful of strangers. I'm already feeling real anxious just thinking about it. I hope I don't panic tomorrow. Besides that I'm also mad because I b/p and didn't purge everything out thanks to my eavesdropping husband.
I can't tell this person that because they won't understand.
Has someone ever asked you what's wrong?
I'd love to explain the real reasons for being so moody, but they are all Ed related and only someone like me could understand and feel the exact same way. I can't make another person understand what I'm feeling, they could never understand and I'm sure if I said, well I'm mad because the pound I lost that took forever to do is now gone!
I'm sure I would come off as sounding incredibly shallow and vain. An outsider could never grasp what losing or gaining one stupid pound does to you.
So as I tell this person about how I just want to avoid people right now, they excuse themselves from the conversation.
How is that not triggering!
Oh well right now I'm just thinking about me, can't worry about hurt feelings I'm afraid.
My eyes wanna close on me now. I'm so tired. I think I'll head to bed, I think this may even be posted late I'm afraid.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
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Yesterday was awful, I felt awful failing and feeling so low I took more lax than I ever took before. I was trying to avoid another b/p. I knew if I took the lax I would be okay, I wouldn't purge.
The lax kept me up all night with cramps and plenty of false alarms. I lost so much sleep. I woke up at five am exactly and felt so tired I wanted to cry from sheer exhaustion.
I chatted with a friend early and then worked out and showered to start the day. I woke my daughter up and put the coffee on. Lax was still in effect.
Today was Tacky Tourist day and also the last day of school, a very long weekend ahead for me. I felt confident that I would not b/p. I was going to give it my all. I dropped my daughter off at school and headed back home to get things ready for the trip out.
I chatted with my very good friend who was also trying her best to avoid Mia. The two of us are some pair. We wake up everyday determined to beat this. Supportive and in total sync at times, so much so our periods almost always come around the same time.
I pray that we can beat Mia finally, I want that so much for us all. I'm on Facebook before I head out and find the last living uncle I had has just died of Kidney Failure. I am sadden by this news, but he was suffering terribly, he's at peace now. Now it's just my poor aunt left, all of her brother's and sisters have passed. The poor woman is devastated I can imagine. The deaths keep coming on my end of the spectrum.
I finally get everything that I need ready, my first stop is the post office, have some goodies to mail for a fellow Blogger..
I have officially downed around 3 1/2 cups of coffee. I'm wired and my stomach is grumbling in protest, lax is still in full effect.
I'm running errands and finally decide to head back, as I'm nearing my home, my car's gas gage starts beeping, looks like I'm about to run out of gas!
I call my husband who had assured me there was enough gas for me today. I have just enough gas to make it near a station, finally the car slows to a snails pace and it's done.
I call my husband who tells me he's on his way. I'm mad but grateful I'm in close vicinity to both a gas station and my home.
Husband arrives to the rescue. I'm not mad, but I'm feeling real sick. The lax is doing a number on me, it's been a long time since I've taken it and I've never felt this sick before.
The car is gassed and we head back home. At least I got some things done before everything went literally to shit.
Its time to get my daughter and I stay behind to unwind from the being left stranded drama.
My daughter is home and excited about her day at school, apparently she was the only child in her class who participated in the dressing up for charity. The principal and teacher were impressed and her photo was taken for the school's newsletter. My husband gets ready to go to work and I'm full of coffee and cold. I'm pretty okay that I haven't b/p yet. It's almost 3pm and he makes a comment about a meeting..
"You have a meeting with the landlord, it's on the calender. Are you going?"
he says very nonchalant.
It slipped my mind completely, there was a tenant/landlord meeting today at 3pm. Nonattendance means you're fined 50$.
I'm mad of course, I hop outta bed and dress quickly. A fight ensues.
I feel as though he didn't remind me on purpose, this is the most we've spoken since yesterday's awful triggering fight. If he knew all day I had a meeting, why tell me five minutes to the deadline?
In any case I'm mad, triggered again.
I head to the meeting which was a complete waste of time and energy, just a reminder from my slum landlord that any late rent will not be tolerated, more fines and such. So quick to take money, so slow to fix anything. This from the same woman who was charging me rent for a larger apartment, I live in a studio and was supposed to be paying much less.
More kicks for Lou, the things that happen only to me it feels like.
In any case I'm back home and my husband is more talkative and docile. I'm over the anger part, just feel overwhelmed still. I feel sick from the lax.
Before he goes to work my husband takes my daughter and I to buy something for dinner, I try to work it out in my head, I try to give myself a test. I honestly believed that I would pass it. I was wrong. I cave and b/p.
The food taste like nothing to me, its just things I shovel into my mouth, I hardly chew. I just want to feel full already so I can purge and get it over with. I eat to the point where it hurts, to the point that my stomach is both rock hard and distended. To the point where I am on auto pilot and have to just bend over and it comes out all its own now. The hands free method is now mastered.
Something happens behind the closed door of my bathroom, a personal hell I hope never to relive again.
The lax is now activated full blast. I am puring out of both ends. I am now depleting my body at a scary speed.
The nutrients are dwindling and my water is gone. I am now dangerously low and dehydrated. As I'm forcing the last of the meal out of me, a massive vertigo hits me and I almost fall forward on my face. In that moment a strange vision or deja vu feeling comes to me, and I see my own demise. I am naked purging and pass out. This is how I will die.
The dizziness is scary to me and I am done purging. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat still, so after a few minutes of settling down, I go back and force more out. There is no more?
The feeling of slowly choking never leaves me.
I am feeling odd, I try to finish the rest of my day with organizing the house, but something is really wrong.
I think I screwed up.
My potassium and sugar are so low the left side of my body goes numb and I can't walk without feeling faint. There is no milk or bananas in the house. Nothing that can help me. I start to panic now because the feeling is intensifying, the tingly sensation is all over now, this reminds me of the awful day where I was so dehydrated an ambulance had to be called in a gas station parking lot. Except this felt worse.
I call my husband and let him know that something is wrong and he needs to be aware, he tells me he will come straight home.
In the meantime, I am online with my friend and we're coming up with possible remedies for a quick potassium and sugar solution.
A potato is nuked in the microwave to get me started, some juice that is almost sugar free is sipped and I'm in bed with the ac full blast trying not to panic as an attack will most certainly help nothing.
My husband finally arrives with bags of bananas and Gatorade. He knows all too well what has made this happen.
"You take too many laxatives, your body can't take all that, you have nothing in you to get rid of in the first place." he shakes his worried head in disapproval.
I begin to eat the bananas and drink Gatorade, I eat my potato and suddenly feel so full I begin to cry. The bloating happens almost immediately.
My husband tries to calm me down and all I want to do is purge it all.
After ten minutes I feel no better, I am now anxious because I have so much food in me. All my husband can do is look at me and pity my overblown reaction to what is a normal days worth of eating to anyone else.
He suggest we go for a drive to distract me, to let the food digest. I reluctantly agree. On the drive and it's so late, the only thing open at this time is a Walmart Supercenter. We head inside and I feel like everyone is looking at my huge stomach. I feel embarrassed.
My husband grabs a shopping cart and he and my daughter take turns pushing it, he loads the cart with Propel water, Gatorade, juice, milk, fruit. My daughter suddenly needs to use the bathroom, I do too I'm full of liquid. In the handicapped stall of the bathroom with a sink nearby, the urge to purge is available. I weigh the pros and cons of what could happen. I finally just give up and leave the food in me. I shouldn't throw it up.
We head to the aisle with all the vitamins, my husband was hoping to find a shake for me, I explain to him my plans.
I tell him that I need his help as I have no one else who can.
I need help to stop Mia. I explain as best I can how I feel about myself and why I think I b/p.
I tell him that I need him to help me with eating because I just don't know how to eat food anymore, I can't have one thing without it turning into a full blown food massacre. I think I need to have shakes daily, and then slowly introduce myself to the safe foods. I think if you help me then I can stop this.
"Okay, no more throwing up please, it breaks my heart to see you doing that to yourself, I don't say anything when you do it because I never knew you wanted to stop, or were trying to. I just stayed out of your way." he explained.
Well now you know, so help me.
Tomorrow we are headed to find me a meal replacement shake. He wants me to make a list of my safe foods. He also wants to be less triggering. I just want to make it more that a day without b/p. I want to be done with this.
My weight is up and I feel incredibly full and bloated. At home now and my kidneys have started to hurt. The lax is still working. I can't even imagine what my insides must look like.
I waddle to the bathroom and grab the rubbing alcohol, I ask my husband to please do me the favor. He is rubbing me down with the smelly green liquid and asking me why can't I see how thin I really am.
"You don't look sick, you look fit, healthy at this weight. Just stay at this weight and keep working out, you'll have one of those toned bodies, better than a skeleton."
In theory this sounds appealing, but I can't always feel as he does, there is this thing in me that won't let me see, won't let me enjoy.
It just wants me to lose and lose. To just keep going till there is no Lou left. It makes me do things and become this other person, one that doesn't care about her safety until it will be too late.
I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I just know that there are days where I'm okay and then there are days where I am not and nothing else matters except what that scale says.
I need to get this under control soon. My sister informs me that there is a package on its way with HMO options, I can even get up to 25$ worth of free over the counter medication. She tells me to just hold for a little bit more. There will be names of Dr's and Dentist for me to chose from in whatever field of medicine I need. I think maybe I can hold for a bit more.
I want to get better, but my ED has to come second, it can't be blamed as the primary source for all my problems, the other illnesses came first then the Ed not the other way around. My mental well being has to be taken care of first before any Dr. focuses solely on weight restoration.
So now at 5am again and I have officially been up for twenty four hours.
I am sipping water and have taken ginger. I am trying to help digestion along. I don't want to purge anymore.
Can I do this?
Do people really recover from Bulimia?
I hope tomorrow can be a success, I pray for the strength to leave Mia behind already. I just want to have some resemblance of a life, whatever that may be.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I didn't get much sleep last night, kept having nightmares about binging.
Woke up twice in the night to go weigh just to make sure it wasn't so.
This morning was crazy hat day, my daughter and I had a good laugh on the way to school, the morning was starting off good...was.
I'm real tired today and after much deliberation made the mistake of coming back home to sleep. I should have ran errands.
My husband wakes up and refuses to just give me money, I want to go to the Vitamin Shoppe, I want to drive alone and just reflect.
Nope, he wants to rush and come with me knowing very soon we'd have to head back to the school to get my daughter.
I make a comment about wanting to work already, and how I wish I could be stronger and how we really need to separate already.
He can't stand talk like that, so now the argument is in play and my trigger is set. Now the fight intensifies and my mood swing kicks in. I'm pissed and sad.
I can't win can I?
This fucker knows that I didn't b/p yesterday, I was so happy that all I had today was coffee.
Now the fight is huge and tears and misunderstandings are everywhere, I can't even remember what the hell was even said now?
I have to get my daughter from school and on the drive there he begins to bring my crush up again, I don't need to hear this..
He begins to say that he had a chat with him yesterday in the park, and that my crush said that he wasn't seeing anyone, that teacher and him are just friends.
My husband is an asshole, a huge triggering asshole. I don't care anymore.
I'm so full of emotions, I can't even process which one I'm feeling.
The minute I get home I'm already defeated, my husband heads to the park with my daughter and I binge and then purge.
I'm a fat fool.
I'm finally down a pound at 107 and this is what I do!
I haven't weighed again, I'm sure its back up.
I'm a failure, I will never be able to do anything right. Why is this so hard?
Why why why!!!
I fucking hate myself, I made a salad and stared at the pretty long steel knife.
I cried for twenty minutes before I binged, I tried so hard to not binge. I wish I could've just plunged that blade in my neck and end it all already.
I even made the stuff I was going to binge on and just stared at it, resisting knowing that the minute I began a calm would ensue.
Then I still had a window where I hadn't started the binge, and what happens my husband calls.
He begins to tell me that if I want to separate I need to work so he can financially cut away from me.
He wants me to pay for my car and everything else already so he can go.
Like its so easy, like he can just walk away and be done with me again.
I wish I were stronger, I've been applying to places, but nothing.
I need money fast, someone suggested web cam modeling to me..
I may just do it, how bad can it be? it's work right?
I'm calling some clinics tomorrow to see about the therapy, I need medication. I fear that I'm getting worse and I think about ending my life too much.
I feel like no one gives a fuck about me, including myself.
Sometimes I secretly wish Mia would just get me already.
I'm tired of failing, I can't do anything right.
I wish I could just have a hug right about now.
So yeah, I've b/p one time today and now I have that craving to keep going. Instead of more binging I drank a whole powerade and downed a shit load of lax, I won't binge now, its safe. I don't wanna purge the lax so I should be okay for the rest of the night, when I take a lot of lax like this it makes me real sleepy for some reason, so that should be a bonus.
I may be real sick tomorrow but at least I won't binge again.
I'm going to catch up on blogs and Vlogs from Youtube, try to calm down, I'm crying all this angst out.
I'll make a to do list for tomorrow, I have a care package to the lovely Mich I wanna mail out. Makes me feel better to do things for other people so I'm looking forward to being out of this house.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hope I can be strong.
I'm sorry for the depressing post everyone. I feel so sad now, like such a disappointment.
I hate that my positivity is so low now.
I'm so alone.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
This morning I wake up positive and determined, today I will not b/p!
Today is crazy hair day at school, and I think I've delivered, after fumbling with my daughter's hair for a few minutes I've managed to come up with something.
|♥My Lil Miss B. ♥|
He says hello to me and asks how I'm doing, I'm okay..
I quickly cut him off and head back to my car.
Today I'm supposed to go get a new stereo for my car, have to head back home now and wake up my husband who's off today and tomorrow.
I am craving coffee, need it too I'm so sleepy and drained today.
Home now and I need to lay down for an hour, I cannot keep my eyes open, I'm craving eggs too. Have to fight today can't let Mia win. I have to have one day at least dammit!
After a much needed nap I'm up and waking up my spouse, time to get going I need coffee, if anything at all today at least that.
The day is cold, 60's and warming up thank god, my black thermal shirt is keeping this little frame of mines warm. I can't wait for coffee.
Dunkin Donuts finally!
Now here comes the test, usually I mess up here the muffins always get me.
I order a large coffee and my husband waits for the inevitable Chocolate Chip Muffin, I shake my head no.
My god I mean it! I did it!
No 590 calorie muffin for me today (yes that's how many calories-yikes!!)
I don't need it. The coffee tastes incredible, wakes me up and warms me up. My first victory of the day, by golly I think I can actually pull this off.
Inside the store and a great radio is picked out, I can't wait for my new sound system. The installation time is 20 minutes, I'm informed that the speakers are really good, this makes me happy. I'm glad the day is turning out so well. I'm still craving eggs but fight the feeling. I keep thinking about how great I'll feel seeing the numbers go down finally on the scale.
C'mon Lou you can do this..
The radio is installed and it sounds amazing. My coffee is all gone and it's time to go get my daughter from school. My husband being off today means I have to cook, hmm this could be tricky. I decide on cooking meat and potatoes in the crock pot, white rice too. Simple and quick, don't wanna get tempted.
The coffee rush is leaving me and I'm coming down, crashing. I am incredibly tired now, I need to sleep the minute we get home.
I need a nap!
"I'll take the baby to the park so you can sleep." my husband suggests.
I get the dinner done quickly and it smells incredible, my stomach grumbles loudly in complaint. Usually being alone like this means I could b/p at least 2x before my husband gets back. I'm craving a salad now, there's even leftover pizza in the fridge. I'm still overwhelmingly sleepy, this feeling is winning over Mia's nagging.
As I'm just about to lay in the bed my phone rings and it's my husband.
He tells me that he's at the park by the school, and my crush is there.
He tells me that my crush is there with one of the teachers from school, they are chummy and he suspects they are a couple.
My husband tells me this painful information with too much gusto me thinks..
I am numb in my response and wonder why my husband is such a mean fucking gossip. After hanging up with him, well I won't lie and say that didn't hurt me in the worst way. I'm triggered now and my first thought is to b/p.
Instead I sit on the bed with glossy eyes and nod my head in agreement, of course he would be taken.
A teacher, a beautiful thin normal woman who eats three meals a day and doesn't purge, someone with high aspects of life, confident and maybe even humble. Yes a woman like that always gets what she wants.
I guess now I can just really say enough, that's it Lou.
I start to think about what b/p would really solve at this time. The only person that will be affected by that is me. My crush will continue on with his life, my husband doesn't care that he's triggered me, or that this little gossip of his has hurt me so. The only person that stands to lose further is me.
I cry a little and head to sleep.
I wish I could say that I got much needed rest, just the opposite.
Nightmares, I kept dreaming that I arose from my slumber and binged on so many things..it was so scary I was so sure I'd done it.
After an hour of torturous sleep I dragged my tired self out of bed. I need to work out, I need to do something.
My husband is back now from the park all too cheery. I can't stand the sight of him today. I don't argue though, I stay positive.
I tell myself that no matter what I will not show him how much that hurt.
I gear up for the elliptical, the workout is slow at first and then I build momentum. 600 calories burned in the hour followed by another hour of crunches, push ups and more body firming exercises. I'm sweaty and feel light.
I'm craving bananas now, ugh the night is almost finished.
I'm blogging now and then I'll head to bed folks.
I've done it.
Calories Consumed: 25
In your face Mia!
I won today. I can't belive I did it, one complete day not bent over a toilet.
I will stay positive, I will keep this up.
As for my crush, that's done. No more time spent with my head in the clouds, no more bubble gum dreams about men. Its time to get back to business, I will lose this weight and sculpt this physique, I will have a hot body. I can do this.
I will focus on me me me!
I will not let another man lead me on anymore.
I won't say I'm fasting, instead this is a test run.
I want to try to not eat for three days, then try to live off meal replacements shakes and exercise. I want to try something, anything.
This weight has to come off, I've gained enough, how much you're wondering..
(Sighs heavily) 108lbs as of today.
That will change, I've fucked around enough with thoughts of recovery and looking healthy. I want to see bones, I want to feel light and empty always. I want to be free..
Monday, February 14, 2011
After vlogging last night, drank my sorrow until I could no longer keep my eyes open, fell right to sleep.
This morning, the dreaded Valentine's Day. Unless you're in love this day sucks.
I wish I was in love, I wish I had someone who was madly in love with me, someone who cared enough to do something spontaneous and romantic. Instead I am unhappily attached to a man who's broken my heart again and again, who's now numbed me to feeling anything.
The first thing I see in the morning is a giant hideous orchid and a heart shaped box of Russel Stover's chocolate. I hate both.
Number one I hate orchids, why you may be wondering, they are so pretty?
My mother adored orchids and so I hate it on principal. My mother was a mean alcoholic and my sister and I were her favorite targets to torture. My husband should have known better than to bring me the one flower that could bring up so many unhappy memories.
Number two, I hate those box chocolates, always have always will, they taste awful, I would never even binge on those no matter how desperate.
After thirteen years of being married to someone you would think that you'd know them by now.
He doesn't care to know me, he doesn't wanna know me, he just wanted to fulfill an obligation, to make sure I had something today, anything, the first thing he could get his hands on.
So that is how my morning started, in tears. I'm in my bathroom, cold and miserable.
I wish he wouldn't have gotten me a single thing. I feel like a bitch for thinking this, but I can't help it. I'm mad at him for still doing things like that too, makes it harder to disengage. Why won't he just give up on me already? Give up on the idea of us?
I want love, but not his.
He will never have my heart again, he doesn't deserve it.
Today I have to head to my daughter's school and pass out candies. Despite the crying fit I had silently in the shower, I manage to dress festively in red. I wanted to get into the spirit of giving which I rather enjoy especially when it comes to her school. This week I've given books, and now candies..
My daughter is in all red and excited to give her friends the candy and cards I spent last night preparing, must be nice to feel that excited about anything..
Its 60 degrees this morning and as much as I wish my very tight red long sleeved top could be enough to keep me warm, its not I need a sweater. Hate that I'm always cold, I must look so odd bundled up when everyone else isn't.
My crush is dressed in blue today, he looks very handsome. I can't help but feel excited in the mornings before seeing him. I wish I wasn't so shy, I wish I could pursue him. This weight gain makes me self conscious, I can't help but suck in this gut of mines and hope my round face isn't so hideous today.
I walk my daughter to the entrance and kiss her goodbye, I'll see her again in half an hour. My crush says hello to me as usual and I give him a genuine smile and hello.
I have something for you, Happy Valentine's Day...
His nice smile is huge and he is surprised, he chuckles in delight.
"Thank you baby, you're so sweet..Happy Valentine's Day too."
He skims the bag and then digs in his front pocket, he pulls something shiny out and gestures for my hand.
He hands me three Hershey's kisses.
How can something so small make me so happy?
My face is flushed suddenly and I can't even look him in the eye. Why can't I have someone like this in my life?
I thank him, our chat is cut off as their are other parents and children arriving. Lots of classrooms are having celebrations today, lots of cakes and balloons arriving left and right. Now comes the awkward part, apparently he's popular. In addition to my little gift, my crush starts to receive more chocolates and candy from other people. Kids from the school hand him Valentine's cards or lollipops. Some other mothers do too. Very soon he has a pile next to him of festive loot. Of course he would have many admirers, how thick can you get Lou?
Now I want nothing more than to head inside and fulfil my obligation. I analyze every woman who gave him something. There is a common theme with them all, they are dressed nicely, tailored hair and makeup. Naturally thin, average body types. Confident women who have perfect smiles and speak up to be heard, none of them like me, none of them meek.
I feel like a fool, a fat one at that.
Finally its time for me to head inside the classroom and put on a happy face. I couldn't wait to be done and head back home. I want to binge on eggs.
I want to eat away the disappointment that is my life.
I start to binge on breakfast and my husband wakes up. He is quiet and getting ready to head to work. Its a quiet morning, while he dresses I go purge. I feel no better. I just want this stupid day to end, I want this weight off, I can't see my collarbones today at all. Fuck I'm so fat!
My husband leaves very quickly, he looks sad. If I were a better person, I would care that he feels that way, but instead I implode, I take the misplaced emotions and decide to eat them away, I want pizza.
When its time to pick up my daughter from school, Pizza Hut is where we head, she loves this of course, I just want to eat and be done.
I binge and the pizza is taking longer than I thought to fill me up?
Must mean that my stomach is bigger, great.
After I purge which was surprisingly easy now thanks to the abundance of acid and the hands free method which I'm now mastering, I go sit down to reflect.
I feel so fat, why did I eat and not purge? What on earth possessed me to keep food down? How can I get this off?
I know the gain could have been more or worse, I should be grateful for that, but I can't seem to enjoy anything. Checking my mail and finally good news, a letter saying I am approved for insurance, I am now officially insured.
Looks like I have some shrink shopping to do. I also need a dentist.
I had an awful dream that my back tooth fell out, scared me so much I woke up in a panic so certain that it was real.
So to recap I've b/p 2x today..
In my last binge I went ahead and experimented with the meal replacement shake again, I think I've found the winning formula; crushed ice, skim milk, lots of splenda, cinnamon. It was slightly tolerable.
Now if I could only be strong enough to just drink that and workout only. No b/p anywhere in the day then I might actually lose weight without having to resort to lax or diet pills, not to mention water pills and whatever other sordid thing I have to come up with. I need to be stronger, I need this weight off!
I miss love, being in love with someone. I miss kisses and holding hands with someone, I miss phone calls and texts. I miss daydreaming and fantasizing. I miss desire. I miss sex.
I miss possibility and probability.
I'm missing out on life.
Happy Valentine's day.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
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Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday morning and I'm taking my daughter to school.
I am incredibly dizzy, getting pretty dehydrated again. I'm so tired.
Its Autism week at school, everyday a different activity for the children to participate in. Monday's activity, dress inside out day.
My daughter loves this, she thinks it's hysterical.
I'm driving carefully and finally make it to the school in one piece, I was suppressing an anxiety attack. I know any second it will hit me, the panic.
There is a bakery nearby and I stop there to eat, if I eat then this feeling will go away.
I order some items and sit until it passes, I feel both better and worse at the same time. Better because I can drive home now, worse because it's too early to start the b/p. Mornings are getting harder for me, used to be I could soar throughout the whole of the day and only b/p in the afternoons, now I can't say that anymore, mornings are getting to be a problem.
I rush home so I can finish the binging, I've already started the thing, should just go ahead and get as much as I can in. I'm incredibly exhausted after I purge, this has been happening a lot lately, the draining of energy, so much so I have to take a nap. I was suppose to go car shopping today but am unable to, have to wait for UPS to deliver my uncle's urn. My husband wakes me up to tell me that someone is buying his car today and he has to drop the car off to them later along with the title. He keeps my old car, I get a new one.
I don't like driving at night, makes me incredibly nervous, I don't have the greatest night vision. Looks like tonight I'll be driving. After my husband leaves to get my daughter from school, the Urn arrives. Now it's time to make the transfer.
I open the box my uncle is sealed in and there are the ashes, it resembles white gravel, not fine ash like I'd thought human remains would look like. The urn has a small opening on top, but has a large enough bottom to hold an adult. I have no idea how to do this?
I have to stuff my uncle in this tiny hole. Feels wrong and strange. In doing this, it's all too much and I get incredibly sad. I manage to finish and now that's it. I place the urn on a table and there my uncle will stay. My daughter is back and full of questions concerning the urn. The death talk is explained again to her. I don't know if she really understands or not, but she's pretty clever for her age.
My husband takes her to the park to kill time before we have to drive out and drop off the car. So b/p again.
My period is still on and heavy. I'm bloated and retaining water. My weight is up and I have no idea if it's an actual gain or not. I feel fat.
I'm worried now because I have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome) and if this bleeding doesn't stop that means I have to go to the hospital again. I hate hospitals. My insurance card is not here yet so I can't even afford another visit right now. I despise the gyno.
I have to lay down again after purge number two, I fall asleep until 9pm when it's time to go drop the car off. I didn't even get a chance to workout.
The elliptical is taking some getting used to. I'm incredibly sore after a workout and tired. I must admit that I miss the treadmill and wonder if I made the right decision by investing in this machine instead. Too late now.
I guess maybe it just takes time. I'm in a strange place now with my weight and how I feel. The added gain is confusing. I want it because I think I'm getting too skinny, then again I want it off and then some. I'm ambivalent about recovery again. I just don't know what I want anymore.
I wake up dizzy and sleepy still, now I can't believe I have to drive at night somewhere. I drink juice and I don't know why, I guess maybe I thought I would feel better in doing this, decide to eat two donuts. FML!
Now after ingesting the second one I realize what I've started, a third binge in waiting. I put it off for now until we get back home..
The car sale is done and I'm binging again. I purge until I can't keep my eyes open. I'm getting so weak now, it was never like this before. I'm getting out of breath too when I talk even. I'm so tired, my skin is so dry and itchy. My scalp too. I just want to sleep all the time now.
I think my body is slowing down now. Holding on desperately to any pounds that get put on, my period won't go away because my hormones are severely imbalanced. I'm a mess.
Tuesday is car shopping day and also Mix and Match day at school. My daughter looks like Punky Brewster she's so colorful.. Almost sent her to school with two pigtails she's so cute.
So the car shopping starts out bad because I have fallen asleep in the car. I'm weak. At the gas station I head inside and buy one of those fatty sports shakes, 350 calories and full of potassium and sodium, vitamins too. Strawberry is the only flavor they had. I buy water and powerade too. I'm dehydrated, my pee is a neon yellow today. I sip it slow and start to feel better, doesn't taste so bad.
I have two cars in mind and so the shopping begins from lot to lot.
I realize that the mechanic isn't with us yet, why is my husband not calling him?
After the fifth car dealership and I see a pattern, my car choice getting bumped. My second choice car not even mentioned.
I see now, the rug is getting pulled from under me again. Silly Lou don't you know what settling is yet by now.
I'm not getting the car I want, or even my second choice. I'm being pressured into other car choices because my husband refuses to pay over a certain amount. I'm mad because this isn't what we discussed. My first choice car is actually a reasonable price, I've done my homework. Men-never listen!
More so he suggests cars to me that I know he wants to drive and likes. He loves to drive both cars and leave me locked up at home with nowhere to go, no money to spend. Enough gas in car just to drive to school.
Why does this manipulation keep happening to me?
I know why, because I took pity on him and allowed him back into my life. Now he thinks he's here to stay and is carving a niche for himself.
Finally after a wasted day and high hopes, it was time to head back home, my daughter is getting out of school now.
I love my daughter's Charter School, I feel as though my daughter's educational level right now is high. The activities and projects are great, I love volunteering and donating whenever I can. The one thing that I cannot stand from my daughter's teacher is this, she tends to send home projects due the very next day. Of course these projects are asking for specific things. Foam Letters to make a giant Valentines, personal pictures of people my daughter loves and the list goes on. It's a parent/child project and due Wednesday. I'm tired and triggered from the dealership. Now I have to deal with this late running around. Foam letters?
Store to store and I can't find them, I have to email the teacher and ask about the letters. My husband leaves me alone the rest of the evening by taking my daughter to the movies, I b/p again and then workout while waiting for a return email from the teacher.
I'm really dizzy now after my shower and still have to do the project.
My daughter and husband are back, the email arrives and I can use glitter instead of the foam letters. I wish I knew that earlier.
My husband is unfazed by the project, he's watching basketball. I dress in layers, it's cold outside tonight. I decide to walk to Walgreen's and see if I can find some glitter, getting out the house feels nice. I don't care that my chest hurts or how cold it is, I go and get lost in thought. I complete the school project and have a glass of wine to sleep.
This morning I thought the car shopping would start early. I was wrong.
My husband is still asleep, why can't he just be a grown up and wake his own self up?
I get pissed and start to binge, then after 10 minutes of this to y horror I look over to the table and see my daughter's project sitting there. It never got packed in her book bag!
Dammit, my husband hears my cry and wakes up.
This time he gets it all his own, he begins to dress and heads to the school. I finish binging although it's the smallest one to date. We can go shopping now. Day two is no better, I'm looking for a car that I don't like, I'm just trying to hurry up and pick something, my husband is annoying. He doesn't want to drive around. The car I currently chose is overpriced at every dealer we go to, I don't want to say I told you so to him, but I did.
After all the running around we end up back at the first dealership with the car that I really wanted. He realizes that I was making sense after all. Luckily the car was still there and the salesman reduced the price significantly for us, haggling works.
My car will be ready Friday. I can't wait. I just wish I could be taken more seriously when it comes to big decisions, I do my research, I'm not a dumb blonde.
On the way back home and turning the corner to my house a little old lady trying to get on the sidewalk with her cane falls backwards in the street. Looks like a nasty tumble, I jump out of the car and rush to her aid to help her up. The poor woman starts crying, I help her up and lead her to the sidewalk. She is so grateful, no one else helped her, people just ignored her completely?
What is this world coming to, why aren't more manners or golden rules used?
In any event, I did a selfless act for a stranger.
Feels nice to help others, only wish someone could return the favor and help me too..
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
I just ate two sandwiches, two donuts and three packs of cheese cracker things, I'm washing all of this down with sweet tea.
I'm really really cold, so cold that I have the small heater next to me, and its 80 degrees and sunny outside.
My chest hurts really bad now. I'm scared to go purge this food. I've even stopped mid-binge now. I don't know what to do, there's the voice inside me that's screaming get rid of it! Your weight is up beyond measure.
Then there's the sensible part of me that says heed the warning. Then again that same voice is asking me why does eating lately put such a strain on my heart? It tells me that I'm right in throwing it up or refusing altogether. I'm so confused right now, I can't win.
I hate this sharp throbbing, this sharp pain.
Is it because I'm running a fever?
Is it because I've just eaten?
Is it because my body still has two days worth of food slowly digesting as we speak?
Is it a heart attack or stroke?
I'm all alone in my house, just me and Lil Miss B.
"Mommy do you need company?" she asks seeing my distress.
She lays next to me and her little warm body feels nice. She rubs my back and asks what medicine to fetch to make me feel better?
No baby I'm afraid there's nothing I can take for this.
She excuses herself to go check on her program, Yo Gabba Gabba, how funny they have Weird Al Yankovic on there today. Gabba Gabba reminds me of a ghetto Sesame Street sometimes.
I have the worst luck, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I called my sister just to hear another adults voice, my daughter is very talkative now. My head is spinning, feels like a ride I don't remember getting on.
I was doing so well, I honestly wasn't going to eat today, I went to do groceries and my husband reluctantly drove, sometimes it's like he doesn't give a shit. Then he wonders why I blow up. He waited in the car while I went in circles in the huge cold grocery store trying to remember everything I wanted to get.
I pushed the over stuffed buggy back to the car and we began to load the groceries. He makes a face because he has to haul this up to the third floor of my tiny studio apartment. I have to get the majority of things I need now, this store is really far away and I can't be driving back and forth when I need something. Men don't get it. If it were up to him, he'd make a trip up here everyday. On the drive home I lay back in the passenger's side and close my eyes. I'm dressed in layers and still cold. We have a lot of groceries in the trunk. He's mad and its so triggering, I can't wait to shovel things in my mouth now and then throw it up.
While he loads his arms up with plastic bags I open the door for him and he rushes upstairs. He tells me to grab what I can and leave it in the hallway and he'll drag it upstairs. I grab most of what I can and head up the stairs not stopping at all. I want this to end already, I'm bothering him and I don't want to, he says he wants to sleep some. I just want to not be a bother. I just want to not piss anyone off. Why can't I do that? I feel so sad, but there's no time for mood swings now have to take all this up so he can sleep and I can rest finally. I'm a little sleepy but more thirsty than anything. My breathing is shallow and my heart is pumping so fast, I make it upstairs-God where does this strength come from? Thank you for it. I can't wait to just rest, my baby knows its grocery day and she requested strawberries, says she wants to eat then in bed with me. She's now making me a get well card as I type this.
Is this anxiety? I can't tell, although I am feeling panicked now. I'm freezing, have the shakes now.
I feel as though I'm being set up. I ate for two whole days and I gained, although I'm more bloated than anything. Yea apparently I've read when Bulimics go into recovery this happens to them ALOT!
Not that I'm anywhere near recovery, but it's good to read dup on iy. Wish I had a workbook or manual that tells you how to stop.
So dam triggering, this stupid Judas body of mines. I'm being punished for eating. My heart can't take the extra weight, my body can't digest it fast enough, I'm sick and no immunities to help even make me feel better by just a bit. Makes me not want to care further, makes me want to go purge this right now and just take my chances.
If I eat it's bad, if I don't it's bad..I'm stuck.
The worst part is I have no one In Real Life to talk to about this. No group to go to, no therapist. I'm all alone with no one to turn to. No one who can tell me that this will pass.
I hear "Eat" that will make me feel better, I don't know how to eat anymore?
Everything turns into this excess.
The inside of my mouth is so trashed right now. Blisters and sore teeth. Hurts to chew. Hope I don't get TMJ too.
TMJ "Syndrome" and Related TMJ Problems - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw (where the lower jaw hinges to the skull) creating pain in the joint area, headaches, and problems chewing and opening/closing the mouth. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes.
I don't know how to act around food, it makes me feel like one of those glittery vamps around a drop of blood..
I'm a freak.
The fever is taking hold good now, 103 and climbing. I didn't purge, not because I didn't want to because I couldn't. It's too painful, I thought my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head.
I wish I could rest but I can't, a six year old doesn't understand that I need sleep, she doesn't like naps.
I've taken something for the fever and I'm just waiting, a fat bloated Lou hot as a sausage in a frying pan. Waiting again for rescue, waiting again as usual.
The phone calls come and I speak to my brother and sister, talking helps some. My husband is on his way home, he feels dizzy at work now and decided to come home to sleep. Must be nice.
I wish I could sleep sometimes and never wake up.
Just a quick little hello before the fever starts up again.
I've been contaminated with my husband's flu.
Ugh feel so awful and I'm running a fever. No appetite which is good but I have a ton of important errands to run so I can't stay in bed. I just want to get everything done today. I really hope this not eating sick spell lasts. God I don't wanna b/p today!
I can't, can't can't!
You have no idea how bad yesterday was, so bad I couldn't even blog.
I'll hopefully have some strength to do a vlog this weekend, I may look frightening I'm afraid, I am a hott mess.
Too much Mia and binging and period, and now flu.
Calgon take me away!
On a happier note I've sent out some goodies to Small and Dylphe..
Hope you girls enjoy. I've used the United States Post Office, have no idea how long it will take to get to you girls, I haven't set foot in a post office in some years, I haven't even bought stamps in like six years?
Okay I'm off to shower, have to drive now and get these important errands done so hopefully I can rest all weekend.
Have a safe and happy Friday all.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Elliptical is up..
I felt better this morning, the tingly feeling from dehydration is gone. I lost a lot of sleep drinking water throughout the night but it was worth it to wake up feeling normal again.
Last night kept food down. I think all those calories and fat in me did me some good because I'm not cold at all today. I can walk around sweater free like all he masses. Makes me smile.
Up bright and early we're off to purchase the Elliptical, also more eating..
Kept this down too.
My husband kept nagging me until I ate something so I caved.
"Try not to throw up so much, eat something even if it's small." he pleads.
I don't really want to but I figure since I'll be working out again, I guess I can afford a little weight setback. A gain?
I eat and try not to go silently crazy doing so. Slow so slow, the food is broken up into the tiniest of pieces and consumed. I savor every bit of it, who knows when I'll do this again, should enjoy it.
Husband is really sick today and in called at work. A stomach virus or flu. He's running a fever on and off and refuses to take even Aspirin. Some people are a nuisance when they are ill, he's one of these people. I like to baby someone when they are sick, it's one of the few times you'll actually see a dare I say tender side to me? I think when you're sick attention is the best medicine. So I give it when it's needed. I mother.
He on the other hand is one of those people who bitch and complain when they are sick, nothing I do is desired. They'd like nothing more than to lie in a ditch of self pity.
Triggering when all of your best efforts go to waste.
"I'm dizzy from all this driving around, just want to go home already." he rolls his eyes.
I was eating a cookie and suddenly stop tossing it out the window. What I wouldn't give to throw up all this shit I've just stupidly eaten. Why am I trying to please anyone?
The store is empty and the purchase is fast.
We managed to get the huge heavy Elliptical box home and my husband fell asleep suddenly on the couch. I started to eat a salad intending to keep it down, I was hungry. The urge to purge, it was too much for me and so I did.
Picked up my daughter from school afterwards and went to get things for dinner, and to binge on again..
In the supermarket and I have no idea what to buy, so I shop for things to make soup from scratch. Husband has a lot of assembling to do, he'll need his strength. I pick up more salad and dressing because that's all I feel like eating at the moment. There's a liquor store by the market and I go inside and buy something. I haven't been in a liquor store like this since 2006, the year I first separated from my husband. That awful year that stole so much from me. I used to drink a lot then, a lot. The inside of a liquor store was nothing new to me. Neither was the Brandy, my painkiller at that time, that and Zoloft. A funny combination with weed to boot.
There was nothing that could numb my pain back then, I think back to how heartbroken I was, what did love feel like then? I was in love once?
I'm forgetting many things. I guess if you don't use it, its true that you do lose it.
I don't know how to love a man, or how to eat food like everyone else anymore. Will I ever again, only time will tell.
I'm making a seafood chowder for my husband and even bought him a bottle of Brandy to help flush out the flu, sometimes booze help.
It was a sort of bribe too so he'd look the other way while I b/p.
The machine is put together finally and I'm excited to start a routine again. Tomorrow I will workout until aches upon aches occur. I want to feel sore in new places. I want things to feel tight where I never knew they could before.
I think the purging today was not the best idea, the minute it was over the sharp chest pains started up again. Looks like I'm still dehydrated, my odd menstruation is still on, light so light I forget its there. My kidneys ache, so much so that I've bought Cranberry pills to help with any infection that may be trying to start up. I feel full, heavy. I think my body is taking it's sweet time digesting all of this. I can't really blame it, it has no idea what the hell to do.
Food? Digestion abort! Purge purge!
Never mind she wants to keep this, hmm Digestion; where is the instruction manual? (blows dust off manual) Someone put the coffee on, it's going to be a long night.
I'm drinking more water now and still feel like b/p but I don't, instead
I went ahead and fixed another salad, this one I keep down.
Today is the last day of this. Two days of eating, the other five days nothing.
I haven't even weighed and I'm not going to, I know its up but indefinite. Fluctuates and goes back down. I need to let this food process and see what the damage really is from two days of actual food inside me. If I'm ever to try to maintain or get back to restricting this has to be the way. I'm just glad I can finally workout again, means b/p could be less, I can start counting calories again.
God I feel so full, like I've put on ten pounds overnight, I know that's not really the case but its so triggering. How do people do this everyday, eat.
I try to think back and remember food and eating and the feeling, I can't. I've forgotten what that is like. I'm used to living this way now. The empty feeling inside me is soothing. Not this, this feels like torture.
This feels wrong.
All I can do now is take deep breaths and drink more water. Take a day off from all this pressure I feel at times to keep losing. It's not a race, there shouldn't be a time limit either, a set date. I should just take it easy one day at a time.
It's okay Lou, okay to lose at a leisurely pace. There is more time than life.
Tomorrow have so many things to do in the AM, glad I ate means I'll have energy to get things done.
I wanted to drink even, had some sips of wine and threw out the rest. Not much room left in that stomach of mines.
Stuffed as it is, let's try not to push it.
Off to bed now and hopefully get something digested further.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Major Mood Swing Sunday.
I blew up on my husband and we ended up on non speaking terms all day. I can't help those things, you'd think he would finally get it?
Monday morning the frustrations and silent treatment continue. He is asleep and not getting up. We are suppose to go car shopping today and track down the repair man's store, so childish. I call the repair man again, no answer. I leave messages and call of the numbers listed, nothing.
Pissed and nothing left to do but binge. That's all I feel like I can do in that moment. After I purge, shower again and dress. I wake my husband up and demand he take me to the repair shop. He gets up rather quickly and dresses. He doesn't even look at me. More triggering.
In the car now and its cold out, well cold for me anyways. I feel sick. 102lbs and the nausea is too much. My period has come on, or something like a period?
Incredibly light flow, and today why? Its not time yet.
Could it be just bleeding? I have bad cramps like a period, bitchy for sure. We'll see how this plays out.
The location is in a part of town where Northwest and West cross lines oddly and if you have no idea where you're going can get lost, and so we do. Lost and not talking to one another are not the two greatest combinations. Finally he's had enough and pulls the car over on the freeway's shoulder.
"Look I need to get this off my chest already, I'm in no condition to head to some store and bitch at some guy. I'm not as mad as you are." he begins to say.
We're not going over to bitch at anyone, there has to be a manager or someone who will help us. His boss or something. I just want the thing fixed or the parts returned that's all. No fighting.
"The things you say to me sometimes make me not want to talk to you ever again, you hurt my feelings. I don't want the baby to hear you talk to me like that. I don't understand why you get so mean suddenly?" he wants answers.
Why I'm so pissed, as if you have to ask. Look every time I look at you I can't help but loathe you. You cheated on me, you broke my heart and my trust. How can I get over that when you lied about having an affair over and over, you made me think I was going crazy that I imagined the entire thing. You made me think the marriage ending was my fault. Finally you confess and its like it just happened all over again. I never got a chance to process it the first time, now again?
I go over every little detail in my head from before and I see how slick you were, how clever!
I feel stupid. I am stupid. Now look at me, look at how broken I've become. I've become nothing more than a shrunken version of myself, all I do is hurt myself. I'm sorry but I blame you for it all. As for the baby, listen she may not hear it now but I will tell her what you did, she will know that I became this way because of your actions, I'm not crazy. You won't be a hero in her eyes forever, you have to be the bad guy too, I'm tired of being that.
He swallows loudly as if the truth was a mouthful, he looks like he just aged ten years before my eyes. Its a lot to hear and I can be harsh but he has to know. I can't sugarcoat things, I don't know how to do that. I'm the type of person who tells you where that burger comes from and what really happens to puppies at shelters. I'm not squishy.
"I'm sorry, I just wish I could change what I did. I can't and I'm sorry. I understand now. I get it.." he keeps nodding his head, understanding.
I hate the emotional part of me, the part that can't get her point across without crying at times. This is one of those moments, where I just can't hold it in anymore.
The drive now is better, the intense thing between us is out the window. We manage to talk calmly and put our heads together to find the odd location.
We end up on a stretch of road far away and full of warehouses. We start to get nervous but are still hopeful.
We pull into the very end of a line of ragged warehouses and there is nothing there. Nothing standing there but our disappointment and horror. Now I cry.
My stomach aches and for the first time in a long time I feel like I want to throw up, the kind of vomit that only comes from being sick. I almost do.
Could we have written the address wrong, is there another West?
We still hope and try to not believe what our own eyes are clearly showing. We've been taken. Or rather I have, because the only one truly affected by this is me. I'm the one who's had a month of no exercise, no treadmill. Now more bad news.
So there's nothing more to say. There's nothing that can be done. The bad guy won.
One more up the ass for Lou, I take so many up there I may need to start carrying some lube in my purse.
The car ride home is full of talking and anger, how awful it feels to be robbed. What is wrong with people?
I get home and the walk upstairs feels so long and sad. I feel awful, I can't wait to b/p.
On my doorstep a package..
The very beautiful Small has sent me something and it puts a smile on my face, I think the first smile I've had all day since I first woke.
The treadmill is gone, it's been taken down. The empty space where it once stood is deafening.
I'm drinking Gatorade and water to try to help this feeling pass. I feel so full!
If that wasn't enough, I've eaten a piece of chicken and a small bowl or brown rice. Bread, a piece of soft white cheese too and some fruit.
I'm not purging this. I need to have some food in me this week. I don't care right now how high my weight has surely fluctuated. My body is asking for this and I'm responding.
I've been purging too much and even though I tell myself the number is lower than usual, the real number of times should be zero. I'm not even trying as hard as before to stop entirely. I think I can start to ease up on myself now that I can workout again. I know the calories can be burned off, so it should feel safe again.
I have no idea how long this food will take to digest, will my stomach digest it even after all this time?
I hope I don't get sick, I've eaten slowly and in small bites and amounts. I didn't want it to turn into an accidental binge. Success, I'm still here and not bent over a toilet bowl.
I think this very light bleeding is my period after all because I am craving Pizza of all things. Not happening. I shudder thinking about bringing all that dough back up. So tomorrow what's in store, Elliptical purchase yay!
I hope zero b/p and to be trigger free.
Okay so I think that's it, blogs done.
I'm watching a real sick ass movie right now..
I Spit on your Grave, if you haven't seen it, do!
Hope I don't have nightmares.