Weight 111lbs today.
I'm happy, on the other hand looks like my monthly bloody sentence is here grr! Here comes the bloating and water retention.
I'm so irritable and pissed.
My husband is off today and I'm super triggered. My god do I wanna b/p big time right now!
I thought I would be heading to the Vitamin Shoppe to get my Kelp tablets, but apparently there is no money until Friday or so my husband says..
I hate that I have to depend on him for any kind of financial support. I can't even drive my car anywhere because there's no gas in it..He drives it everywhere and only puts enough gas so I can drive my daughter to school that day. Talk about controlling!
I have only 12 dollars to my name, I could either hold onto it for dear life emergencies, or just say fuck it and binge away.
I'll hold onto it, money so rarely graces my hands.
My husband is sick today, he has a bad cold, my daughter is feeling much better. As it seems she's now transferred all the germs to him.
He is so dramatic sick, its like everything has to stop just because he has the sniffles. Even talking to him is triggering, you ask him something and he makes this mad face like he can't be bothered. Last night he felt good enough to down a bottle of brandy though. Wonder how much that costs.
I've worked out already, 800 cals burned in an hour, have only eaten a banana today at 5am when I first awoke, took my supps too. Crunches galore, my shoulder blades and spine hurt from the floor. I hope they don't bruise too much.
The dizziness is back with a vengeance, had to hold onto the counter today at some point everything went really dark fast, I hate that feeling it scares me. Luckily it went away a short while later. I'm drinking water and hating it. I'm getting those feelings again where I just don't want to care about anything. I feel like I just want to keep punishing myself. I'm in such a bad mood all of the time, I can't remember what being happy feels like. What does a good day consist of?
I dropped my daughter off at school, and on the drive back home I felt so empty, there seemed to be no point to this life I'm leading. I thought to myself, what if I just kept driving and never came back. Where would I end up?
I don't know what I'm saying, I just feel trapped and hopeless right now.
I feel like an appliance, I get used for a while, then I'm unplugged and put away momentarily.
111 lbs and getting smaller, I think I will finally be able to disappear. I'm looking forward to it, now my outsides will match my insides, small, shrunken and yearning. Misshapen, brittle and ugly. That's me.
Everyone will really see how sad I am, you won't be able to just brush it off or look away anymore.
Goal Weight, who are am I kidding here?
I can't even recognize the reflection in the mirror anymore, I keep getting uglier and bonier. The compliments will stop soon and then will come the "concern." The oh my god, how did this happen? How much more do you wanna lose?..etc
I don't wanna lose, I want to win. If that's an explanation, I want to win back what I've lost, I want this empty feeling inside me gone. I want to just be normal. There's something missing and I don't know what it is or where it went, all I know is that in its place is this awful ritual. This isolation and insanity. This depression and anxiety, a smidgen of OCD for good measure.
With the way I'm feeling, I'll just keep going and going. Skinnier and skinnier. 95, 90, 85, 80..
Maybe that's my lot in this life to just drift like a sea anemone in the current..
Its now the afternoon and my daughter is home.
Red is her color today, she's talking too much in class again. I have to deal with it, because husband is sick (that's the excuse). I'm helping her with her homework and my chest is stinging, I feel so sleepy, I really have no energy today and now I'm feeling miserable. I don't complain, I just endure. This feels like a very long day, and tomorrow looks no better.
Today is the Victoria Secret Fashion show, Thinspro in the flesh!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Kelp is a type of flat, brown colored, leaf like appearance of sea vegetable, a natural remedy for a number of ailments. It belongs to family Laminariaceae. The weed is full of vitamins, minerals and amino acids. It is also rich in iodine content and helps in weight loss as it balances the thyroid. Kelp has been used by homeopathic physicians as a cure for many diseases.
It contains more than 12 kinds of vitamins, 20 key amino acids and 60 major traces of chelated minerals. The weed can be used in various foods as in soups, salads. It can be bought from the grocery in dried form or in tablets, capsules, powder or liquid forms.
Vitamins And Minerals In Sea Kelp:
- Kelp is rich in Vitamins A, B, C, D, E and K.
- It is particularly high in Vitamin C.
- These all vitamins boost up the human immune system.
- Iodine, magnesium, potassium, phosphorus, zinc, chromium, silicon, barium, selenium and iron are found in sea kelp.
- Iodine in sea kelp helps in making thyroid hormones.
- It may boost up low thyroid function or remedy goiter and cretinism.
- Agar, alginate and carrageenan are some of the gels in kelp. It help stimulate digestion and gastrointestinal health.
- Kelp is demulcent and it soothes and relieves inflamed and irritated mucous membrane.
- Other health benefits of kelp is that it loosens extra mucous in the body, treating arthritis, lowers blood pressure and rheumatism and also stimulates skin healing.
- Germanium content in kelp fights cancer and boosts immune system.
- It also reduces the radiation effects and chemotherapy on the body.
- It is also useful in Obesity, Flatulence and Obstinate constipation.
Don't know whether i'm going to start growing UBER super hair and nails, i'm not too fussed really, but I would definately reccommend this product for those looking to give their metabolical stystem a kick up the arse (punn fully intended).
Emily, my friend who told me about sea kelp said the tablets worked pretty much as soon as she started taking them. her hair grew a lot more easier and she also found that her hair looked more healthy. With me i took 2-3 a day and i found that after 3 weeks after starting to take the product i felt i looked a lot more fitter , remember i did have to excersice and eat well too, however i do have the occassional sweet. it keeps me happy.
There can be side affects as with all products. Do not take sea kelp in you are pregnant, lactating or on any other medication unless you consult your doctor first. If you have any doubts also contact your doctor its better to be safe than sorry. Never exceed 3 a day other wise you will overdose and this can do a lot of harm to your liver.sea kelp contains iodine this increases the rate that you burn off food, helps with normal growth and developement and is also required for the healty functioning of the thyroid gland.
I hope this all helps you thanks for reading!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Hi there, just a quick post on this lovely quiet Sunday.
Can't really blog today, My daughter has a bad cold. I've been playing nurse all day long in addition to cook. I want her all better so she doesn't miss out on school, she's rehearsing this week for a school play about the meaning of Christmas, and she's real excited as am I.
Made her a Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup, maybe the broth will heal her. Works for me anyways.
Tomorrow is Monday and that means back to school and getting up early.
I'm at 112lbs today!
I have no idea how this happened?
I can't tell you if its the fact that I wake up at 5am everyday and workout, or the one banana that I eat every morning before that workout, is it the Green Tea Pills that I take 2x a day?
Maybe its the afternoon workout that I do, today was 700 calories burned in an hour..
Hmm, maybe its all the purging, and the fact that I'm not trying to fight Mia off lately. Maybe the new oblique exercises?
I can't tell you what it is that has suddenly boosted my metabolism, but whatever it is, I pray to weight loss Gods-please don't stop now.
There may be a goal reached by the end of the year after all..
So I'm thinking of buying Sea Kelp tablets, maybe that will continue this wave I'm on, it has a lot good beneficial things also that can help with hair and skin.
I'm looking into it this week, I'll let you know how it goes!
So my lovelies, while I'm on this losing streak so to speak, I'm posting pics.
I was going to do it at the 110 mark, but I've always been impatient, so here they are..
Let's compare shall we!
|lou @ 120lbs|
This is me, and I hope to continue to lose all this week. I can't tell any difference, all I see is fat.
That's just my altered perception of course, the reality I'm sure is completely different.
Goodnight to all, I have a sick child to attend to.
Stay strong my lovelies and thank you for all the lovely and encouraging comments!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Its the day after Thanksgiving and I couldn't be happier the holiday has come and gone.
Today is no better of course, I've been triggered and I feel depressed.
I woke up at 6am and started to do crunches in the dark, cold bedroom. The hard floor hurts my spine and bony shoulder blades. I still push on despite the pain. I eat a banana, upping my potassium before taking supps and water pills.
I jump in the shower to warm up this cold, dizzy body of mines.
The hot water helps, I sit on the white tub floor and take it all in. I scrub myself pink and I feel better.
I start to think about the long triggered day ahead of me and I sob silently into my hands. The same thing all over again, a loop I cannot escape from.
I shave my lean legs and notice new bruises, purple round ones, and fading yellow, up and down my thighs and calves. They don't hurt, they are just there.
I wash my hair, its starting to fall out again. I lather and stare at the blonde strands in between my fingers. Its all the processing and of course the Ed. Looks like I might have short hair for good, whether I like it or not. I should care that its falling out again, but I don't. I have no one to impress, least of all myself. I won't let another person get close to me again anyways so it really should not matter. Once my husband is officially out of my life, my walls will go up and I won't trust anyone again. Its better this way, I don't think there's much of me left to offer anyways, best to stay away from this old lemon.
Out of the shower now and I have to pull it together, today is no ordinary day.
November 26, at exactly 10:44 pm, my daughter was born,
4lbs 4 ounces, my little preemie. I used to think I could never have kids before, I never tried, but I never used any method of protection to prevent otherwise. At one point I actually thought my body was too polluted and abused. Years of partying and not caring about the future.
Yet here we are 6yrs later, I'm some body's mother...
The birthday party at her school was in part for her to be able to celebrate with her friends, every time her birthday rolls around, school is no longer in session and she misses out. Not this year.
Now here we are on the actual date of her birth and its nice.
I made her a cake yesterday, a white, polka dot cake infused with cinnamon.
After the first purging session, which felt rushed and loud, I came out of the bathroom ready for cake and ice cream.
"What's wrong with your eyes?" he asks bluntly, while I look away and proceed to grab a plate for cake.
Nothing is wrong with my eyes, please leave me alone.
He's referring to the puffiness and redness. My eyes were swollen, I looked like I went at it in the ring with Mike Tyson. My whole face was flushed actually. I purged really hard, I had to, I ate so much at just one sitting, my weight went from 115-122!
Then at another moment, I can't recall what number purge was that, I'm sure it was maybe number 4 or 5, he actually muted the television-yikes!
I can't work under these conditions.
I wasn't very cheerful the rest of the night, you stay with the craving and are unable to keep on. Plus my energy was draining after each trip.
Finally I just gave up and showered again and went to bed, tired and fed up.
I'm out of the shower and I dress. I'm really cold today.
My daughter is now up and walks sleepily by me to the bathroom to pee.
I grab her, hug and kiss her, I tell her Happy Birthday!
She smiles in embarrassment and tells me she wants to go to the park today. She starts to cough. I think she's getting sick.
Its still early, way too early for a now 6yr old to be gallivanting around the house, even the cats are asleep, its so early.
I go ahead and get the Vick's, the cough medicine and fill up the vaporizer, after she brushes her teeth, its time for home remedies. She makes a face but downs the grape syrup.
She lies back in bed quietly for another twenty minutes. I jump on the treadmill for an hour an a half in order to get some of the frustration I'm now feeling again.
My husband continues to sleep until 11am, and my daughter is now awake and eating oranges and apples for breakfast, she says she wants to save her appetite for cake and ice cream later. I may have to bake something else to make up for the bit of cake that's in the fridge. I take out leftovers and begin to heat up everything for the long session ahead.
My daughter is getting antsy now and so am I. She lies down next to my husband in bed and quietly starts to sing the Happy Birthday ♫ song to herself. This makes me sad. I wish I had more to give her, I wish I was a better mom. Instead I'm stuck and now so is she. We're enduring.
I start to get loud and noisy, interrupting his precious sleep. I drop hints and wake my husband up.
He's up and my daughter starts with the park idea again. He instantly senses my mood and heads to the bathroom while I dress my daughter and take her picture to put on FaceBook.
Once he's out I suggest the movies, he agrees.
"Do you want to come with us, get dressed I'll wait for you." he asks.
I tell him No. I want to be utterly alone.
He says he doesn't want an argument, so he'll go to the movies and the park.
"I'll be gone a few hours." he searches my face as if I would suddenly change my mind and come along.
That's fine, have fun and spoil her today!
I'm alone and couldn't be happier.
B/p 1x to start.
Afterwards I weigh on the scale and lookey here my lovelies 114!
Looks like giving into Mia completely all of these days has jump started my metabolism again..
I walk 12 blocks to my nearest Family Dollar to buy some sweets for another session and cupcake mix. I decide to have the cupcakes ready for her when she comes home. I won't touch these, these will be just for her.
So after I'm back home, I continue the ritual and bake too.
|Pillsbury Funfetti Cupcakes!|
I have the house to myself and I'm in a better mood today. I wish I had more days like this. I need time alone. I can function better this way.
My daughter gets home excited and exhausted.
She saw the movie Tangled (which I thought was called Rapunzel lol!)..
Cupcakes are ready and she's bouncing off the walls. My husband doesn't annoy me as much tonight. I've already b/p plenty, I'm done for today.
He's watching the Miami Heat basketball game and my daughter is bathed and about to go to bed, she's had a long day.
He works tomorrow, so I won't be bothered as much.
Black Friday may have been a nightmare for shoppers, but not for me.
Friday was a good day.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Here we are..
Happy Thanksgiving to those who actually like this holiday, for me not so much.
I've been up since 6am.
I'm tired, sleepy and my throat is raw.
I've been cooking all day, on my feet. My husband is a rock, parked on the couch. A huge immovable object, my magnet.
He is my biggest trigger and I hate it. I can't stand the sight of him, I wish he would just go already, he's off of work tomorrow too unfortunately ugh!
I've b/p too many times today, he's giving me looks and making little slick comments under his breath. He's drinking, and drinking makes him feel like a big man. I'm tired of being cooped up in this house with him. I need a break.
The angrier and more hopeless I feel, the more I want to b/p.
I'm so tired you have no idea. I want to just go to bed and its not even 8pm yet. My throat really hurts, I want to have a drink.
I can unwind with alcohol sometimes, but then I start to think that I'd be drinking alone and I have no one to talk to. I don't think drinking is enjoyable anymore, not like that at least.
This Thanksgiving is so depressing, I wish I were somewhere else, somewhere far away, even if it was a random place filled with strangers.
I feel like crying.
I wish it were Saturday already, maybe then I could feel better somewhat.
No food porn, too busy eating it all to take pictures of it.
Not looking forward to tomorrow at all.
I'm going to bed, I can't take this awful day anymore.
Sorry for the depressing post..
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My turkey was a big hit at my daughter's school.
I did a fine job carving it last night thanks to this video.
My daughter's teacher would like me to email her the recipe. All the kids gobbled up the moist bird, there were hardly any leftovers I was told. As a matter of fact there was a mom who donated a ham, and no one touched it!
Ha ha I win!
I know just the mom too, she is this very posh, snobby looking woman. She loves to wear all white clothing and don huge Aviator sunglasses. Her daughter constantly fidgets and she always calls her attention and tells her to stand up straight. I bet she didn't even cook that ham, probably bought it from Whole foods or something. I'm glad everyone enjoyed it and that I didn't lose any digits in the carving process.
I saw my crush this morning at school, he held the door open for me and told me my bird smelled good. He couldn't wait to try some. I offered to feed him a piece if he wanted to try it before I headed inside, you should have seen the look on his face. He turned crimson. I was trying to be friendly, he declined of course, that wouldn't look good on his part, he's working and not suppose to be socializing, or being fed for that matter. I made him nervous for once instead of the other way around. I smiled at him and thanked him for the compliment. I wonder what his plans for tomorrow are?
He seems like the big family get together type. Hope he has a nice holiday. I wish that for everyone, holidays feel so sad for me. Maybe its because of the situation I'm in, I just don't feel love behind things, only obligation. I miss my sister and she lives so far away. My brothers are all scattered, everyone is separate doing their own thing, we really don't resemble a Norman Rockwell painting at all.
|"Freedom From Want"|
What's on the menu?
Baked Mac and Cheese
Black Bean Soup
Polka dot Cake with rainbow Sprinkles and Neapolitan Ice Cream
Cranberries (fresh berries, not that insane can log)
So far that's it, but you know how it is once you're inside the store, I may crave other things and end up baking a pie or grabbing a Ham, who knows. Mia's been having her way lately and shitty as she is, I'm a little more calm when I don't fight her off. I feel incredibly sick and drained, but I'm a little less evil and worrisome.
Messed up as it is, I'm looking forward to cooking, its relaxes me. I put so much love and effort into the meals and everyone always enjoys it. Makes me feel appreciated, even though its just me slaving over a hot stove all day.
I plan to post plenty of food porn so don't say you weren't warned!
My oldest brother came to see me today before he leaves to Orlando with my niece tomorrow, we talked for a little bit and then he was off. He seemed tired, maybe the time away would do him some good. I'm sure he's very sad and misses his wife, the house must feel so cold without her there.
I would do the same, escape if I could, there's always Christmas..
I want this month to be over with already, wonder when this plateau will finally be gone and I can focus on losing again instead of maintaining. I feel like November has come and gone and nothing.
I just really want to start the next year differently, new place, maybe a job, no husband, and maybe some insurance. Definitely want to be at my goal weight for sure, I'm curious to see I will be satisfied finally.
This reminds me of a quote I posted on my Tumblr recently..
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Dropped my daughter off at school and came home to bake a turkey. Tomorrow is the Thanksgiving Feast at her school and I'm the designated Cook. One large turkey for 24 hungry little children and one short Kindergarten teacher.
I also have to carve this bird and I have no idea how the heck to do that?
This turkey may not look like a turkey when I get done carving it.
I feel very sleepy today, I've been awake since 5am. The first thing on my mind was breakfast. I wanted to b/p as soon as possible-not good.
Thank you for all the comments on my earlier post, I'm trying to leave him absolutely, have some things in place that I'm trying out, if they work out then when I do finally leave him, it will be a safe and fast way out.
It won't be painless, but nothing in this life ever is..
Wish me luck that I don't lose a finger carving the turkey and bleed all over it!
Monday, November 22, 2010
I need two aluminum trays for baking Turkeys in.
After I'm done bloggging and purging yet again, my husband wakes up very cheerfully.
I'm not in the smiling mood.
"Why do you want to fight?" he says utterly clueless.
No I don't want to fight, I just want to finish (blogging).
He nods his head and merrily jumps out of bed. I read on and then he starts talking to me from the bathroom. I mention the aluminum pans.
"Let's go to the dollar store and buy it before I have to get ready and go to work later." he suggests all too quickly.
We're now driving to the Family Dollar and I'm so cold. I should have brought a sweater. Inside the store the cold is no better.
I grab what I need and we comment on all of the Christmas Decor. In the checkout line he asks me if I have any money on me.
I don't work, any cash I do have is because he's given it to me. I save my money because it hardly comes across my path. I have a twenty stashed away.
I tell him no.
He pays for the items and we're off.
My family doesn't like my Husband. Whenever I speak to them I feel embarrassed. I'm now living with him again and if I had a tail it would be in between my legs. I should know better, he's no good for me. This man has made me suffer a lot. I've lost a lot because of him, more than you can imagine.
My conversations with my family are short and I'm always so distant, because of my husband and because of the ED.
My older brother wanted me to join him and his wife for Thanksgiving, he wants to cheer me up. I say I can't.
Number one because I have a turkey here and I plan to cook it and who knows maybe b/p will ensue.
Number two my husband. He will want to tag along or guilt me into not going.
My sister wanted me to go spend Thanksgiving with her and another brother of mines. I say no-same two reasons.
Today my husband asks me what did I talk about with them, I mention the invitations.
"So I'm holding you back?" he tries to sound sad.
Here we go..
The guilt trips.
The conversation starts to escalate, the insurance issue is brought up again.
I can't recall what else is said exactly as it all seemed to just snowball.
I think I said something about divorce and he flipped.
He starts to scream at the top of his lungs and bangs against the dashboard. He starts screaming to God something about what did he ever do wrong?
I'm driving in the middle of a busy street. He is flipping out.
He says he will kill himself, and he opens the car door and tries to jump out onto traffic.
I swerve and my heart is racing, everything gets muted around me and I can't believe this is my life?
I pull over at Walgreen's and he is crying in hysterics.
Now he's threatening to kill himself if we separate. I am crying and I can't believe the audacity.
He wants me to be with him by force.
I am scared of him. I really am.
I think he will snap one of these days and choke me. I believe this with every fiber in my being. If he can't have me no one will.
I plead with him to just let me go, he continues to tell me what an awful mother I am and how I will damage our daughter forever with this. I go inside Walgreen's because I need to get away from him, I'm really shakey suddenly and I need a Gatorade or Orange Juice. My heart is pounding and I feel dizzy.
When I come back out the fight is over, he says
"Fine we're gonna separate that's it!"
I drive home very slowly sipping on Tropicana orange juice.
I park the car and he storms upstairs, doors aren't held opened, he's throwing a tantrum, he's acting like a sociopath.
Now upstairs and I am lower, my mood is dirt. I'm so low I don't even hear Mia anymore. The other voices are present, the ones that say
"Stay with him and just kill yourself. Plunge the knife into your neck for real this time, he wants you, he can have you just like that.."
I will die for sure if I stay in this marriage, either by my own hand or Mia and Ana will get me.
I feel like I'm going insane, like every one's happiness must come first but my own.
Now I'm blogging and he's showering and getting ready for work.
He comes out and he's apologizing for everything. I can't stop crying.
He's sorry, he's always sorry.
His mood is different, he's trying to be sincere. He's making coffee and watching TV and everything is right as rain.
I'm drained and have a headache.
The lesson is NEVER MARRY!!
This day just keeps getting better and better. I'm so triggered right now, I have no idea what I want to binge on, maybe more eggs?
I can't wait to pick up my daughter from school, I want to hear her voice and see what her teacher said about her project. I need to hear something else that's not related to things that are out of my hands.
I just need a little positivity right now, a little change even if its the numbers on the scale. I just want something to go my way for once.
I'm so tired, all I want to do is close my eyes and never open them again. I'm so lonely, I wish I knew what real love is, what that feels like. To really put someone else first and always want the best for them.
I wish I could just really let all this anguish out, bottling it up and shoving it down inside is not helping, I'm running out of room.
I'm suppose to go see my sister in law today and we are taking the kids to the park. My daughter is super excited and while I'm in the shower, she has dressed herself in clothes that do not match and she is even wearing her very own pair of Ugg Boots. My daughter looks both adorable and ridiculous all at the same time. I on the other hand am out of the tub and wrapped in the towel shaking my head in disbelief at all the extra work I have to do before I leave.
My husband is sound asleep and I don't know why but the mere sight of him is pissing me off.
Maybe its because I wanted to eat a banana this morning, the one thing I do allow myself to eat and this idiot has taken it upon himself to eat the last one. I was saving it to up my potassium since I've laxed the night before.
So we're dressed and I call my sister in law to let her know we are on our way, headed out on the long drive to see her.
She answers in a sleepy tone and I make a joke, she tells me that she will be waiting for me to arrive, then minutes later she calls me back to cancel. She wants to sleep in.
Hmm, she could have told me this the night before and saved me the trouble. My daughter's face is the picture of disappointment. I hate it.
All she talked about from the night before was going to go see her cousins and all the fun they were going to have, she even packed a little bag with all her favorite toys to share. Now the Sunday has started off all wrong.
To cheer my daughter up I suggest we buy more Christmas decorations, she likes that idea. In reality we don't need any more, but that's all I can do for the moment. So we're off to the store and while I'm there, I rack up on things for a binge session, a big one!
When I get home it starts and it doesn't stop all day long.
People let you down, but Mia never will. She is always around and ready to help. Ready to take over and do what she does.
Sometimes I don't even want to bother with anyone just to avoid the let down all together.
In the afternoon I get a phone call from my husband, he used to call all the time from work back then to say hello and that he missed me, it used to be sweet.
Now when he calls I know its to say something else, like can you record the basketball game or to ask me something totally irrelevant and bothersome. Those lovey dovey days are over.
He calls me from work to let me know that maybe the insurance is not such a good idea right now.
The insurance that I am counting on, the insurance that I have been so hopeful for. The one thing that can save me from myself. No therapy, no medication. Depression and Eating disorder all day long? What did I ever do to be punished so much? I don't cheat, I'm a good mom, I'm even incredibly tidy to a fault. My only crime was that after I had my daughter I gained a lot of weight. Now that's in the past, what more have I done? I've had awful things done to me that I would like to share but can't. He knows because I'm a very honest person, he is one of the first people to know anything that pertains to me good or bad..
I may not love him anymore, but after more than a decade he is still the only person I have left in my life. The only one who's been both the cause and solution to most of my problems.
I'm really triggered now and pissed!
I go berserk on the phone and tell him that I don't want to speak to him again.
It so happens that I had to purge really bad right when he called, so I hang up on him and cut the ringer off. He continues to call and the answering machine picks up.
I go purge and continue to hurt myself all day long.
I'm exhausted and in my gym attire ready for a workout except I have no energy for one. I'm sad and miserable and the fight that is left in me is leaving. The will to get better is going away.
I feel like I don't want to care anymore. Why should I?
The house is a mess, there are dirty dishes in the sink, a lot of dirty dishes, been real busy today. The binges have been so epic, at one point it hurt to stand up and walk to the bathroom. It didn't stop me from doing it again and again. Each time I finished purging I could hear Mia's voice clear as a bell,
"Good girl, now that's how you do it."
The purges were becoming a problem before, I would second guess myself and wonder is it all out? now I'm sure of it. I'm getting better, faster, more efficient. Feels like the confidence and determination of letting Mia take over completely is going to be a possibility. The more I feel like giving up, the better and worse this gets.
I have to workout and still get everything ready for the next day, school is still in. I'm dreading doing anything. I have zero energy for anything except playing with Mia. The ritual somehow manages to come first lately and so the day speeds by. I always find time and energy for that if nothing else.
I so happen to go through my daughter's homework binder to make sure all is signed and correct, someone has overlooked the fact that she has a school project due tomorrow worth two grades.
Now I'm really upset, husband knew about this and forgot to mention it to me. My poor baby will be the only one with a bad grade or an incomplete?
She's too little to know failure already, to know that her parents hinder her opportunities. Its not fair.
I've already blown any money I've had today, where am I going to get school supplies at night on a weekend? How is this going to get done, I'm so tired, where can I drive to, can I even drive?
I start to cry and just think of ways I can salvage this. I can figure something out, I just need a minute. I don't care if I have to pluck leaves off trees and use the phone book as construction paper! It won't be a masterpiece but at least it will get done. I won't let her down.
I'm up and getting ready to go cut something from somewhere when my husband walks in from work towing a bag of food.
"Why are you crying? What's wrong?" concern in his tone, cooing almost as If I were an infant.
I can't believe he's asking this, you've managed to destroy my dreams and now you wonder why the collapse. I'm a person, this is my life, you can't just keep pulling the rug from under me.
I'm never going to get better, it will never be my turn to thrive.
I explain the school work crisis and mention that I'm tired. He apologizes for not telling me about the project and tells me that we can drive somewhere and buy school craft supplies. I go for it.
So the night is closing and I'm dead beat and still craving!
I go ahead and stay up to finish the project.
The assignment is called "Tom the Turkey." He doesn't want to be eaten for Thanksgiving so we must disguise him as anything else. My daughter decides that Tom should be a pizza delivery man to escape Thanksgiving. I think it turned out great, I cut out everything and she colored and glued it all on.
|"Tom the |
What an awful Sunday.
Now its Monday morning (this post is late) and I am incredibly tired and sleepy. I drop my daughter off and my crush is looking for me, I can't even look at him right now, it makes me sad. I'm sure he's a great guy and he appears to like me, but I'm no good. I would only complicate that poor man's life, as with any other man. I'm not worth investing time in. My eyes are puffy from the night of purging and crying, I feel ugly and bloated.
He seems confused, I avoid eye contact and kiss my daughter goodbye. I make sure she's inside and I go home. I get bananas on my way home, maybe if I eat one I'll have energy and feel better.
So I eat one on the drive home. Then on my way inside I decide to have a protein shake, then guess what..
Eggs, bread and jam. A simple piece of fruit has turned into a binge. Now time to purge. Mia is here early.
Looks like today will continue on just like this. I'm depressed and defeated. I don't feel like smiling today. I have turkeys defrosting in the sink and I'm still tired, bags under my eyes and cold wrapped around me. My hands are pale and I can't stop shivering.
I wish I could never speak again, I feel as though my tone gives me away, the sadness will always be with me. All I wanted was to get better, I don't know if that may ever happen for me. Days go by and if nothing is done soon, then I will really give up. I will get worse you just wait and see.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Well I tried,
I held out as long as I could. I went clothes shopping today, I found a lot of nice things, inspired by all of the size 2 jeans in my cart and my size (S) shirts, not to mention a smaller bra size 34C, and (S) underwear too, I thought I could continue the day binge free.
I was wrong.
My husband picks me up from the store and proceeds to tell me that he and my daughter have had a huge, yummy breakfast.
I don't know why, but the first thing to pop out of my fat mouth was-
wow you didn't think to invite me or bring something back?
So now we're passing by a fast food joint and they have 2 for 3$ sandwiches and I make a comment that I would like to eat that since I missed out on the breakfast extraordinaire..
"But you don't even eat, you sure you want that?" my husband laughs at me and raises his eyebrow in suspicion.
Yes I'm going to eat it..just later.
Yeah much later when no ones around. It never occurred to me that I no longer eat in front of others anymore. As a matter of fact, the other night when I actually ate in front of my husband was the first time I'd done that in long time. My behavior has become odd. I am odd.
Eating has become an freak show and I am the bearded binging lady..
Gather round folks she's about to take a bite!
So the little devils are bought for future consumption.
Now in the meantime, I'm trying my best to not cave, yes the food is there, but I could easily put it away and forget it all together, which is what I do, for now.
I clean my car, occupy myself as best I can.
Then I remember dinner, ah yes time to feed the little person that's attached to my hip.
I defrost ground beef and make rice.
My daughter is starving and the time for my husband to go to work has now lapsed. I am alone!
I can't resist anymore, the dinner the sandwiches, tea and something else I can't remember, it was sweet that much I can recall.
Mia has made her debut.
I go at it really hard, the strain is back.
I get ready to workout and I can't stop yawning, my goodness yawn yawn yawn.
Lazy workout only 500 calories burned Boo!
I'm still yawning. I feel sleepy.
No energy whatsoever. Oh, lax tonight.
Yeah let's dehydrate properly shall we.
My daughter is soaking in the tub and my stomach is gurgling, hope this doesn't take all night. I have to see my sister in law tomorrow. I hope I feel better, not too dizzy. There are dirty dishes in the sink and a rug that needs vacuming. I feel fat, lazy and ugly.
Ugh why did I cave?
I think I need a new diet pill, this OEP ain't cutting it.
I need suggestions, anything that's not Stacker, Hydroxycut or OxyElite Pro, oh or Alli, I don't much care for a greasy orange dripping asshole (lmfao- TMI) or so I've heard..
I just need to glue my mouth shut, never speak again.
I'm sorry for any yawning caused by reading this post..
I have to go now, going to try and muster up enough energy to clean what I can and put my kid to bed, then I'm off to bed myself, I have a very long night ahead of me.
I hope Sunday is better.
I'm exhausted, I've been running around all day and whatever bit of energy I had left, I just threw into a workout.
I've been up since 5am. Kept having strange dreams last night, not nightmares. They were odd dreams of me kissing someone. Two different people actually. One in particular I really didn't expect to want to kiss..I had to force myself out of bed finally and went ahead and did 500 crunches to really wake up. Tired of the fanatasies.
I then took supps and an OEP, the diet pill made me feel jittery for some reason, I regret taking it immediately. Showered and got dressed, tried on a few outfits first till I found the right one. I want to look nice today. I applied concealer to those nasty marks and scars on my knuckles, no tell tale signs today, don't need to arouse suspicion. Sometimes I get the occasional comment from office staff on how great I look, I've lost a ton of weight since they first met me. I tell them the usual story on how I lost it all- exercise and I've cut back considerably on what I do eat, they all nod their heads in agreement, but sometimes I'll get a little stare from one or two of them and it gets my paranoia going. Those women look at me like I've either had gastric bypass or I'm on some kind of fad miracle diet and I don't wanna share the secret.
So now I looked presentable and feel happy. I could pass for normal.
"You look really pretty today." My husband looks me over from head to toe.
I wonder what he's really thinking. I don't get dressed up like this for him obviously. I got a new hairdo today too. I have to get used to it. This always happens, the second guessing myself.
There was someone other than my daughter who was very pleased to see me. My very handsome admirer's face lights up in surprise at the sight of me, I can't help but smile a little at his reaction. His demeanor changes suddenly when the ol' ball and chain follows behind me tugging party supplies. I bet he thinks dam, why didn't she come alone.
My husband is very happy today and can't wait to sing Happy Birthday. Today is strictly for my daughter, no funny business at school. I don't want gossip.
I head straight to kindergarten.
I set up the little table in my daughter's classroom while the class is at lunch. I'm happy at the thought of surprising her. She completely forgot that I was doing this today.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Well, the fast is over.
I couldn't keep it together yesterday and the urge was too much. Caved, and let Mia back into my life.
I even broke my scale, I have a glass one, and after yesterday's binge I didn't like the number that projected on the screen, I got pissed and slammed it against the floor. The glass cracked and shards went everywhere.
The mood swings have started.
Now I have to buy another scale tomorrow, great. I was really sad yesterday and I couldn't shake it off. My husband took notice and didn't know whether to say something or not.
"Is there something wrong? You look frustrated."
He hands me the cold bottle of water. I stare at it in disgust.
I tell him that I really would just like to throw up, that if I did, I would feel 100% better.
I ask him if he would mind.
He laughs at first as if what I just said was a joke, I'm dead serious. He reluctantly says yes.
"I don't mind, but just this one time okay."
He scrutinizes my face.
Relief, I go ahead and fix myself a plate of food and start to binge. I take my time and eat. My husband is watching a movie and we're talking like nothing, like its the most natural thing in the world. Like normal people do at the dinner table. When I'm done I excuse myself and go purge quietly in the bathroom. The purge is not a problem, I was comfortable and felt safe even, knowing he was out there in case something went wrong was very reassuring. I took my time and got it all out. I didn't even get any looks when I was done. We continued our conversation about the movie.
My husband has opened Pandora's Box.
This could be bad, now that I know it doesn't bother him, I can actually go ahead and do this more often. Looks like Thanksgiving purging could be a possibility if I cave that day. I think he wants me to be happy, and always giving me my way is the only way he knows how. It won't make me happy, but it did make me feel better yesterday, I got it out of my system and the rest of the day went without incident. Today I went ahead and held out as long as I could but in the end I've went ahead and went at 2x now. I think I'm done, my vision is blurry and my voice is really hoarse. My daughter has her birthday party tomorrow at school, I have to go in the morning and set up the classroom with her teacher, I hope my voice clears up by then. A Hello Kitty cake and pink and yellow decorations must go up. I have juiceboxes to freeze and goody bags to fill. I've bought concealer for my knuckles, I'll go ahead and dress up even, play the part and look like a happy, healthy, normal mom. My husband is tagging along I think, this should be interesting, my admirer who works at the school should be around. I wonder how that will play out. My husband actually talks to him and knows his name. My admirer usually takes this time to hang around me during the time when he sees my husband is around. I think he feels like its a good time to be in close proximity of me without a problem. He opens doors for me and smiles at me a lot. I don't know if he enjoys the blatant flirting or if he's just trying to understand us. I don't wear a wedding ring anymore, neither does my husband. We don't act like a couple, the only thing that ties us together is our daughter. People just think he's my baby daddy, you wouldn't know we were married unless you asked us, and I always say we're separated.
In any case, I'm sure there will be two men on either side flanking me and I'll be awkwardly in the middle trying to act normal.
I have to finish shopping tomorrow, I have a Christmas Tree to buy and some thigh high boots I've been eyeing. I think tomorrow I'll be so busy the b/p won't happen. I can't wait to buy a new scale, I feel naked without one in the house. I feel frustrated because I'm maintaining. I know it could be worse, I could be gaining, so maybe I shouldn't complain too much. I need to take it easy, afterall stress doesn't help at all when you're trying to lose.
115lbs is not a bad number, yes its not my goal, and I feel as though I've squandered the month away, but considering how much I've lost, I'm grateful.
No more bitching about weight. I will lose it, it just won't be overnight. In the meantime I'll continue my struggle against Mia and one day I will be finally rid of her.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 5 and so far so good.
I woke up late and had to rush to get the morning started. I have an awful headache and feel a little nauseous.
Had temptation at my door literally..the mailman stuffed my box with ad coupons from Papa Johns (my crack) and McDonald's (cheaper crack).
Buy one get one free breakfast, not good, the colorful things I could do with that. I threw them all away. Mia wants back in..
I have to admit there is a nagging, the craving trying to overpower me. I talk myself out of it-hope I can do this.
Dropping my daughter off at school and I have an admirer. He's a very cute man who works there. I'm not sure what his job title is exactly because I see him everywhere in the school. His skin is tan like almonds and his short hair is dark auburn. I like his smile. He has an accent, the one that sounds like he is saying share when in reality the word is chair. He always stares at me when I pretend to look away. My favorite is when he wants to look at me and then stares at something in my direction just to get a glance. I think he's working up the nerve to talk to me soon. All of the other moms flirt with him constantly, they wear little outfits and don too much makeup for 8am, he chats with them momentarily. All of the students know his name, they smile and laugh with him, he is very friendly, a warm personality.
So far from what I've seen there isn't one mom in particular who he fancies. He doesn't even pay the most blatant flirty ones any mind.
I stand out at my daughter's school. Most of the moms there all look alike with dark hair and similar clothing. They all gather in groups and talk amongst themselves, loud endless chatter about this and that, on and on they go. I on the other hand with my dark glasses, loud blonde hair (the new do is temporary) and pale skin sometimes attract attention. I also don't stand around and squawk in a circle, I mostly will make small talk if necessary and avoid eye contact. I avoid if I can.
In any event this very handsome man has noticed me. Now comes the dilema.
What to do if he talks to me?
I'm not exactly relationship material right now with me being married and all, and in the middle of trying to separate for the second time (hopefully final). A mom, an unemployed waif with an Ed. I have nothing to offer anyone. I can't even offer friendship.
As a favorite Kings of Leon song of mines would say,
"Time on me is wasted time..."
I won't lie to you and say that the desire for human contact is not there, of course it is. Its only natural for me to want to try again, to find love again, to get back out there. I just don't think now is the time for me to do so. I'm not there yet, to that point where I am confident enough. I'm not comfortable around men anymore. I'm also too distracted. Other more pressing matters come first
Weightloss, Anorexia, Bulimia.
Can you imagine any date, where is the first place that you go-dinner.
If you pass it up you're dubbed as one of "those girls."
You can't just be someone who watches what they eat, who cares about the way they look. No, that's not the reality. Once you utter those words forget it, you've already made things weird. You could eat but then the inevidable purge will ensue and who wants that.
How do you incorporate someone into your life again, when the Ed takes up that space? Can you even anymore?
I'm just hoping that this person will just leave this as just glances and smiles, innocent flirting. I hope he doesn't actually try to talk to me. I wouldn't even know what to say.
I don't know if its the depression or the fast, or the fact that I'm craving, but today has been strange. I feel strange. Melancholy and triggered.
I feel like crying? I have already actually, its a rural thing that comes and goes.
Ugh I hate it. It makes me want to cave big time right now.
Is it because I'm lonely, not in the sense of utterly being alone, as I'm constantly accompanied by others, but in the sense that no one knows me, not even myself.
That I can't relate to another person on a normal level anymore without some mini drama always in the back of my mind. Is it that I feel unlovable and find that I'm okay with it. That I could go on without ever having a significant other. You hear the saying there's someone for everyone out there, but I don't think that's true.
What is the afterlife like, I think this is it..
There is no paradise, no place without suffering, no rest. My opinion, anyways. Its not a religious thing, its a hope thing. To be hopeful is dangerous, means you want something better, means you tear down some walls and become vunreable. Too many scars here, I don't need anymore.
Today is dismal and I feel the depression coming back in tiny incriments. It claws and digs until its seeped in. The mood swings will follow and I'll be a royal pain to be around. Who wants to be around someone who's up and down all the time?
I really don't feel strong at all today. I feel as though Mia may get the best of me after all. The day is not over yet, who knows, maybe there's a little fight left in me.