Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I believe we've completed a 3day fast!
I'm so happy and a little bit dizzy but all in all Mia free!
Monday was tough but I held on with water and tea, I tried to only allow myself one cup of coffee, the java that day became sort of triggering for me, I started to want another cup and then another until, I'd feel full and that would lead to a binge, so I fought hard and only had one cup.
I spent the day reading and watching Big Brother episodes.
I can't get enough of this show my goodness.
I want to say to the lovely Sam who asked me about the book I was reading, particularly the Author's name, here is the answer sweetie. "Hungry" by Joanna Torrey..
Its a great read, I think you would like it very much, I hope you can find it at your local Library or bookstore.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Well my car has a new problem, some kind of sensor malfunction, the mechanic can take care of it of course for a price.
I want it fixed so I've decided to call my sister and tell her I can't go up there this month, I was gonna head up there next month after the first, which is good because my rent will be paid and maybe my period will be gone, I have a sneaky feeling its coming soon. I can't go up there on my period for obvious reasons.
My husband and I were discussing my move up there, he actually wanted to speak to my sister and ask about the job and what the rents are like, just to calculate how much I need to move.
I call my sister at work to let her know that I can't go up there and she goes nuts!
She goes off the deep end and misunderstands everything I was trying to tell her. She started saying things like "Fine choose him, you'll never change!"
Omg W T F?
My husbands decides to make a bonehead move and call her back, she blows up on him too and says she's had enough of me and my drama, She was calling the Child Protective Services on me and the Police and Housing and whoever else she could call to tell them that I was an unfit mother and that I'm suicidal.
I call her back in tears and she continues putting me down, she said I wasn't shit, I was a bad mother, that I am a bad person, an Idiot, that she's had enough of me and gives up on me.
She said she called the CPS (child protective....) so they can take my daughter away from me.
I don't understand how this got this way, she also said I was a slut, no a FAT slut and that she will tell The Boy what a freak I am. Then she said she was never gonna speak to me again and hope I just kill myself already. She also called my two older brothers and told them to go check on me cus I was gonna off myself?
Well my lovelies I've always protected my Idiot sister but no more.
The minute she started on about my kid, the lioness came out.
I stopped her in her tracks, I told her if she even dared called CPS on me I would call DEA on her and tell them she is growing pot in her bathroom!
My sister gasps and stays quiet, she didn't think I knew about that little secret huh...
Also ever since I've told my sister about my ED, she's taken it upon herself to do the same thing I do, denying it at every corner until the day of the beach weekend where she finally said I don't care, I throw up what I eat, I can't get fat, if you do it I can too.
She purges and takes laxatives everyday.
She'd always call me gross and a freak for my ED all the while doing the same thing herself and denying it, using excuses like "I ate too much" or "I can't keep it down, it made my stomach upset."
Her weight started at 180lbs and now she's down to 148 with all this purging and laxin.
She doesn't exercise or take vitamins, she thinks she knows it all even though I tell her how awful and dangerous this all is to me and my health. She doesn't listen.
I never expected her to be so cruel to me today, to say such horrid things, I guess deep down inside she always felt that way about me.
I've called my brothers and assured them no one here is killing themselves, and I've spoken to The Boy and told him that she and I have a fight, and sometimes she'll exaggerate things, that she out of spite may tell him things about me. That they are all untrue of course but its up to him if he wants to believe her or not, and that I would understand if he never wanted to speak to me again.
He said he won't listen to her and he won't turn his back on me.
I guess I'm not visiting her anytime soon, or moving up there.
I don't know if this fight will blow over or not, but she's already crossed the line and shown me her true colors, I can't be close to her again. Now I have to put the walls even higher.
I won't answer her calls anymore, she really hurt me and made me feel like an awful human being. She is very triggering.
I've made my posts private on FB so she can't see a thing.
I think I'm even glad this happened. I knew deep down inside that Hope and Love and all that other sentimental shit was a joke.
People hurt you, the closer they are the more it hurts.
I've b/p 1x today and I've started abusing the laxatives again.
I may have to reconsider staying here after all. As for The Boy, he'll tire of me I'm sure. No one really loves or knows me anyways, only my husband does.
He may treat me like dirt, but who doesn't?
I guess I should just stay with him and keep indulging in the ED. I think fighting against the current is too tiring.
Some people are supposed to be weak so others can flourish.
Once upon a time my sister was a crackhead who prostituted herself for drugs and left her two boys alone at home.
Was in one abusive relationship after another, married an awful man. That same man would later put something in my drink and rape me. I told her and she took his side.
My sister left him a year later and shacked up with her current boyfriend who moved her out of town away from the drugs and sex.
Now she's doing better, and since then looks down on everyone Else's struggles. She sits on her soapbox unaware of the world around her.
Always bragging how great her life is, what a great boyfriend she has..pfft yea right if she only knew that when I returned from my last visit with her, her boyfriend kept telling me to meet him for drinks whenever he was in town.
Thank God I have a shrink and was able to work through that awful failed pass at me.
So that's it.
I won't pay her any mind any more.
One less person in my life to bother me.
I can't have anyone threaten my child, I won't have it. I'd rather sacrifice my happiness for my child's.
I'd gladly endure a failed marriage just so she can play make believe with her dad and stay smiling, unknowing of my inner loneliness.
Everything I've done is for that child, she is the only reason why I bother to do anything at all.
The only reason why I don't plunge a knife in my neck or slit my wrists.
I would do anything for her, and for some stupid petty person to dare say that I'm an unfit mother is just wrong.
I have an ED and I suffer from Depression, but I'm a person dammit, I have fucking feelings too!
If you can't deal with me then FUCK OFF.
I don't care if I ever speak to her again.
I'll prove her wrong, I won't be like this forever.
Today is a bad day because I can't get the crying under control, but tomorrow is another day and a fresh start. I won't always be down here, I'll have my own soapbox to stand on one day too.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I went there with high hopes, my paperwork ready and an empty stomach.
Clonazepam in my purse in case anxiety starts acting up, I've already taken half to steady my nerves.
I wait patiently in my hard chair with my daughter waiting to be called. My daughter whispers in excitement about her new room in the next apartment, what color walls she wants and whether or not all the toys will fit in her toy box.
I'm worried, thoughts race through my head, the possibility that finally I will be able to move, that things might go my way.
What if they don't, what then?
I recognize some of my neighbors who are very content and cheery this morning. They are happy in their little rooms for one.
I feel like its a tomb and I a relic, aging and accumulating dust over each passing year.
all my hopes for the future lie in the hands of a government official with a blue tooth in her ear.
These workers have no idea how they can make or break a person with just a stamp on a form.
I'm finally called and give them all my paperwork, everything seems to be in order, I mention the obvious, I've been on a waiting list for a year, I'm mentally unstable, I have a growing child, I live in a roach infested building with a slum landlord who never repairs anything.
Please help me.
The answer is NO.
My lease is renewed for another year here in squalor.
My heart breaks.
No amount of begging or tears sway their decision.
My husband is waiting for me in my car, he's taken it upon himself to drive my car every chance he gets now, taking my key off my key chain and driving off.
My face tells it all.
The car ride is quiet and I'm already thinking about 1000 ways to hurt myself because I deserve nothing, because I am shit.
I stupidly believe that I deserve good things, I don't.
I am an awful person apparently. I will never have anything bestowed upon me, things like that don't happen to someone like me.
At home and I sit defeated in my Blue Chair. The tears start now and they don't stop. My head hurts.
My husbands asks me "What do you want to do?"
I tell him I can't live here anymore, I won't. I rather struggle somewhere else than die here in this little room.
He asks me questions about Orlando, what's it like, is it cheap, the schools, are they great?
Then he asks me the questions that makes the migraine come on.
"Do you think they have a Restaurant up there for me to work at?"
I tell him I'm sure they do.
"Well if its a better place then we should move."
I don't want to live with you. Don't you understand? I am lonely, my heart aches for human contact. For someone to love me, to spare me the littlest of attention. Do you know what it's like to sit and do nothing but care for a child all day long, your conversations are about cartoons and answering questions, and non stop energy, you can never have quiet or rest.
I need to get out of here and I need to be happy somehow before I die, if only for a moment.
"I love you, I can give you all those things." he stupidly says while hugging my stiff body.
NO! I don't love you, you broke my heart are you fucking kidding me. I don't want you.
Now he's walking around with hurt feelings and a sour puss on.
I have no idea what to do now, I know I have to get out of here but I can't put one coherent thought in front of the other.
I feel like drinking tonight, and b/p and taking alot of laxatives and finding a diet pill to try. I want to not care anymore.
FAT FAT FAT!
My God look at me, I hate myself. I deserve nothing but pain and so it shall happen today. I'm off to the store for my supplies, my means of torture. Food, Lax, Booze and later if I'm lucky my chest pains will finally take hold of me and squeeze my heart till I am no more.
I cancelled my appointment yesterday for the GP, I couldn't go through with it, I'm scared of Dr.s and Hospitals.
I've called my Therapist who can't see me today. I can't even cry to her, hear her tell me positive things. I have no one to vent to.
Happy Tuesday barely speaks to me now, our conversations are awkward and short, now he doesn't care about me anymore, just like all the rest.
I wish any feeling I have for him would just evaporate already. The Boy, he won't understand my sadness.
Last night he started talking about the future, how if I moved up there and we got serious, he'd love to live with me, that ever since our first conversation he's been smitten with me, that I make him happy.
I've never heard that before, that I make someone happy..
He says such sincere things.
I'm scared I'll fuck that up with my horrid ED and Depression.
Or the Age difference or the fact that I'm a single mother, even though he says he adores kids and even wants one of his own.
The future is scary, I feel like my feet are planted in tar, I don't know where to start, all I know is that I am utterly sad and in desperation.
Why do these things keep happening to me?
Why can't I be happy..
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I'm chatting with him now, he seems happy and clueless lol.
He's excited at the thought of me moving up there *sighs*
Have any of you ever gone through something similar? If so please comment and let me know how you managed to survive because right now I feel like burying my head in the sand.
...and these are the two dam videos grrr that made all this crap happen. Hopefully things wil be okay and I'm just going overboard.. Enjoy Saturday everybody.
Hmm not good, the boy found my Youtube vlogs.
He doesn't know about my ED, in a panic made all my videos private, I don't know what to do!
I don't know what he's seen, but...
He'll never look at me again if he knew I was like this.
I may have to just make vlogs private for Blogger, but I have Youtube viewers.
Ed ruins everything.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Half and Half
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Therapy today was super productive.
My shrink is coming to my rescue, she's producing a letter identifying my disorders and encouraging housing that my condition requires me to move.
I'm relieved, I'm praying that something changes for me. So far I've nothing but coffee and Ranch Sunflower seeds.
"You've lost weight? your face looks thinner from the last time I've seen you?" my very lovely shrink asks.
The massive week's binge caused that. I tell her I don't think I've lost weight, in fact I think I've gained. She raises her eyebrow in suspicion.
No one notices my plight.
After my session I headed next door to the clinic and made an appointment. My knee hurts bad, its starting to affect me walking, and more importantly the chest pain is intensifying.
I'm getting scared, what if I'm having a heart attack?
Maybe the lax and bulimia binge really got me this time. I'm not going to b/p today at all, I need to start putting things back into my body instead. My Dr.will see me on Monday, if the pain gets worse I'm going to the E.R
I hate hospitals, I would be trapped there all day but I have no other choice. I'm really scared. I told my husband last nite that I don't think I'm going to be around much longer. I think one of these days the heart will be strained too much. My husband says he cries for me and wishes I would just stop this obsession with weight loss. He says he doesn't know what to do or say so he just does nothing. He says that I am the strongest person he knows and I won't go first, that I need to be around, that this world is not meant to be lived without me in it.
Its another hot day, and that means more walking for me. Thanks to no summer camp my daughter is bored out of her mind, I've decided to take her to the library, Free Air Conditioned Paradise.
I hope I'll be okay, I'm starting to worry now.
|Sugar for the walk home lol|
Well I did it, yesterday no B/p yay!
No laxatives either, I drank liquids all day, so much that I ballooned all the way to 115lbs..
Pissing the morning away, I feel better.
I think all lax flushed out of my system, no more chest pains. I'm in a better mood, focused and ready to start fresh and get back on track. I won't let Mia get the best of me again, too dangerous. I'll stick to counting calories and exercising.
Child Support was a total bust the only thing they could tell me is that my case is closed, we haven't seen a mediator or judge yet to establish payment, so until then all I get is a notarized letter saying I get zilch.
The joys of a failed marriage.
Here are pics as promised. I've braved the city on foot and have massive sunburn in thanks to it, also as I was leaving a hobo approached me for a quarter all the while eyeing my camera and purse, I told him I didn't have anything and he said he didn't care and was a "bad boy" thus proceeding to ask me for my phone number?
Why do I attract only weirdos and losers?
Ugh, The Boy asked me how do you know when you're in love? omg if this kid tells me he's fallen in love with me, I'm gonna shave my head and swing Umbrellas around in front of paps!
Happy Tuesday keeps emailing me, says he misses me, says I'm not his fuck buddy that he cares a great deal for me..grrrr!
I don't like this Bermuda Triangle I'm stuck in. Is there another contestant on this LOVE GAME SHOW?
And so my walk begings with gummy worms, because that's a good breakfast..and also the strangest thing I've seen in my neighborhood to date. Enjoy.
|LOL what do you see wrong with this picture?|
Take care everyone, and thank goodness for fresh starts and Willpower!