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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Boo feelings stink!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Talent and Triggers

Friday Vlog

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Reading Rainbow

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Touched by an Angel

Well now,
I believe we've completed a 3day fast!
Woo Hoo!
I'm so happy and a little bit dizzy but all in all Mia free!
Monday was tough but I held on with water and tea, I tried to only allow myself one cup of coffee, the java that day became sort of triggering for me, I started to want another cup and then another until, I'd feel full and that would lead to a binge, so I fought hard and only had one cup.
I spent the day reading and watching Big Brother episodes.
I can't get enough of this show my goodness.

I want to say to the lovely Sam who asked me about the book I was reading, particularly the Author's name, here is the answer sweetie. "Hungry" by Joanna Torrey..
Its a great read, I think you would like it very much, I hope you can find it at your local Library or bookstore.




You know I was thinking of actually making a Vlog and sharing some of my Favorite Books to read, what do you all think?
Maybe in the near future.
Monday was fine, my husband took my daughter to the Water park and then a buffet, they got home pink, tired and smelling of Chlorine. My daughter complained of a stomach ache, I gave her medicine to help with her tummy ache. I was the last to head to bed at 2am after chatting with The Boy and watching more Big Brother episodes. My daughter stirred in bed and made noises, I thought she was having a nightmare so I rubbed her back and wiped the sweat  dews from her forehead, she turned again and then vomited on her pillow. Oh boy, the noise awoke my husband who now sleeps in her twin bed alone. My daughter has been sleeping in my bed now for the last two months.
The smell was nothing to me or the sight of vomit itself, my husband on the other hand covered his nose and heaved in disgust. He took the sheets off all the beds while I bathed and calmed my daughter down. She was crying at the fact she messed up the bed. My husband made a 2:30am run to the 24 hour Laundromat to wash all the linens in the house.
It was a long night to say the least, my daughter fell asleep on the couch with me as we waited for my husband's return.
This morning all is well and I'm happy to see my Shrink.
I go weigh and I'm right back to normal, my maintaining weight, my safe number.
I let out a huge sigh of relief, I'm actually happy today. Today I love myself and the way I look in the mirror. I stare at my naked body and cut myself some slack. I think I'm okay, I think I look fine. I'm not fat. I'm normal. I feel safe and hopeful again. I feel in control.
I want today to be a good day, please God give me one day, can you spare a good Tuesday for me?
I'm actually cold today, really cold. My meds and supps are gobbled up. Thanks to the wonderful Peridots suggestion of writing things down, I've had the correct number of pills today in my bottle. I have a refill to pick up today for more Wellbutrin. There is a little bit of sadness from my sister that looms in the background, but I tell myself this is for the best, we needed a separation for awhile. Sometimes its good to distance yourself from people. You get so intertwined you forget yourself. You get caught up in their nonsense and forget your goals.
The bottom line is this..I'm looking out for Lou.
If it's you and me in a room, I will survive, It will be me, because you as a person have to always put yourself first, you need to look out for #1 always.
I have goals, ambition, things and places I want to do and see. I want to be a better person.
My dad used to always say, "If you hang around with people who don't have anything (goals,dreams,love,future,respect for themselves,dignity,honor,honesty) you won't have anything either.."
So purging people and separating myself from those who do not benefit me if a good idea.
I have to do what's best for me, live this life that I've been given, take advantage of the second and third chances even that I'm given. Make the most of this life and start taking responsibility for it.
If nothing Changes, then Nothing Changes!
I'm sure my sister and I will talk again one day, we've had fights like this before, back in those younger years, I have forgiveness waiting for her, but right now I think I need to grow some away from her, get independent, prove her wrong. She'll grow too as a person, and maybe even learn a thing or two in my absence.
Love is strong and it always has a way of bringing those who are meant to be in your life right back.
We'll see each other again, one day.
My favorite Kings of Leon lyric from their new song The Face, it says "Ride out the wave.."
That's what I plan to do.
So Tuesday and I'm happy, back down some weight, and hopeful again.
I see my lovely therapist, I even bring a handkerchief in my purse, I'm ready to let out some anguish, tell her about my lousy week.
We talk and I tell her everything, the crying is good.
Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a blessing. When we are born, we all Cry, it is expected and anticipated for one reason and one alone-To show we're Alive!
I feel pounds lighter venting.
We get to the Housing ordeal and my Therapist is an Angel, I think I can see a Halo if I look hard enough..
She calls my Case Manager's Supervisor, she calls my Case Manager, we have an Impromptu conference on the phone, everyone agrees that an injustice has been done to me, that this little deal of living here in this awful roach infested studio with a child is making me sicker. My case Manager is ordered to go to housing and plead my case, have the Dr. sign a Reasonable Accommodation request Package.
Worst case scenario, I'm turned down again. Or who knows maybe I won't be.
My therapist glows, she's had a victory in my defense. I cry happy tears and feel proud to have someone like this fight for me.
"Do you know Lou why I'm doing all of this?" she asks me in her thick Latin accent (I love any accent, its music to my ears.)
I shake my head no of course and blow my nose on my Hello Kitty handkerchief.
"Its for two reasons, 1) Because I care a great deal for you and I think this is an incredible injustice to you, this little thing of moving can actually be beneficial to you. Will make your self esteem and mood 360 instantly. I want this for you because you will get better quicker. 2) I'm doing this also as an example, think of me as a Model, you see how they tell you No, you became passive again and decide there is nothing more that can be done. There are always things we can do, You have to make things happen. Change things, speak up, make moves. Expect different results and sometime they come true."
I take it all in and hope to be as strong as she believes me to be. I smile because it makes me also think of  a comic I saw once..
                                                           

So the session is over and I walk out feeling vindicated, I hope something can be done. They've already told me no, what more can they say other than No again right?
So now I'm home, I've been out with my daughter and husband, window shopping and I've made them dinner. I bought more tea and I've taken my meds for the night. Watching more Big Brother and then chat with The Boy before bed.
I spoke to Happy Tuesday yesterday very briefly, he says he misses me. I said nothing in return. I don't want to cross any lines. I'm going to try to stick to being his friend, its very tempting to see him again on account of the car in working order and all, but I think I won't.
As for The Boy, well its nice to talk to him, he is very sweet and so dam cute. I won't expect anything more than a good conversation with a decent person. He's happy if I'm happy, that's cute, and he told me yesterday he was up for an assistant Manager position, I'm very happy for him, he's a hard worker. Who knows what the future holds, strange things happen to me all the time.
I hope you all are well, going to continue the good fight, and more Big Brother lol.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Faster please

Saturday, July 23, 2011

R,I.P Amy Winehouse

Friday, July 22, 2011

Monkeys make bad pets

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you!

Well my car has a new problem, some kind of sensor malfunction, the mechanic can take care of it of course for a price.
I want it fixed so I've decided to call my sister and tell her I can't go up there this month, I was gonna head up there next month after the first, which is good because my rent will be paid and maybe my period will be gone, I have a sneaky feeling its coming soon. I can't go up there on my period for obvious reasons.
My husband and I were discussing my move up there, he actually wanted to speak to my sister and ask about the job and what the rents are like, just to calculate how much I need to move.
I call my sister at work to let her know that I can't go up there and she goes nuts!
She goes off the deep end and misunderstands everything I was trying to tell her. She started saying things like "Fine choose him, you'll never change!"
Omg W T F?
My husbands decides to make a bonehead move and call her back, she blows up on him too and says she's had enough of me and my drama, She was calling the Child Protective Services on me and the Police and Housing and whoever else she could call to tell them that I was an unfit mother and that I'm suicidal.
I call her back in tears and she continues putting me down, she said I wasn't shit, I was a bad mother, that I am a bad person, an Idiot, that she's had enough of me and gives up on me.
She said she called the CPS (child protective....) so they can take my daughter away from me.
I don't understand how this got this way, she also said I was a slut, no a FAT slut and that she will tell The Boy what a freak I am. Then she said she was never gonna speak to me again and hope I just kill myself already. She also called my two older brothers and told them to go check on me cus I was gonna off myself?
Well my lovelies I've always protected my Idiot sister but no more.
The minute she started on about my kid, the lioness came out.
I stopped her in her tracks, I told her if she even dared called CPS on me I would call DEA on her and tell them she is growing pot in her bathroom!
My sister gasps and stays quiet, she didn't think I knew about that little secret huh...
Also ever since I've told my sister about my ED, she's taken it upon herself to do the same thing I do, denying it at every corner until the day of the beach weekend where she finally said I don't care, I throw up what I eat, I can't get fat, if you do it I can too.
She purges and takes laxatives everyday.
She'd always call me gross and a freak for my ED all the while doing the same thing herself and denying it, using excuses like "I ate too much" or "I can't keep it down, it made my stomach upset."
Her weight started at 180lbs and now she's down to 148 with all this purging and laxin.
She doesn't exercise or take vitamins, she thinks she knows it all even though I tell her how awful and dangerous this all is to me and my health. She doesn't listen.
I never expected her to be so cruel to me today, to say such horrid things, I guess deep down inside she always felt that way about me.
I've called my brothers and assured them no one here is killing themselves, and I've spoken to The Boy and told him that she and I have a fight, and sometimes she'll exaggerate things, that she out of spite may tell him things about me. That they are all untrue of course but its up to him if he wants to believe her or not, and that I would understand if he never wanted to speak to me again.
He said he won't listen to her and he won't turn his back on me.
I guess I'm not visiting her anytime soon, or moving up there.
I don't know if this fight will blow over or not, but she's already crossed the line and shown me her true colors, I can't be close to her again. Now I have to put the walls even higher.
I won't answer her calls anymore, she really hurt me and made me feel like an awful human being. She is very triggering.
I've made my posts private on FB so she can't see a thing.
I think I'm even glad this happened. I knew deep down inside that Hope and Love and all that other sentimental shit was a joke.
People hurt you, the closer they are the more it hurts.
I've b/p 1x today and I've started abusing the laxatives again.
I may have to reconsider staying here after all. As for The Boy, he'll tire of me I'm sure. No one really loves or knows me anyways, only my husband does.
He may treat me like dirt, but who doesn't?
I guess I should just stay with him and keep indulging in the ED. I think fighting against the current is too tiring.
Some people are supposed to be weak so others can flourish.
Once upon a time my sister was a crackhead who prostituted herself for drugs and left her two boys alone at home.
Was in one abusive relationship after another, married an awful man. That same man would later put something in my drink and rape me. I told her and she took his side.
My sister left him a year later and shacked up with her current boyfriend who moved her out of town away from the drugs and sex.
Now she's doing better, and since then looks down on everyone Else's struggles. She sits on her soapbox unaware of the world around her.
Always bragging how great her life is, what a great boyfriend she has..pfft yea right if she only knew that when I returned from my last visit with her, her boyfriend kept telling me to meet him for drinks whenever he was in town.
Thank God I have a shrink and was able to work through that awful failed pass at me.
So that's it.
I won't pay her any mind any more.
One less person in my life to bother me.
I can't have anyone threaten my child, I won't have it. I'd rather sacrifice my happiness for my child's.
I'd gladly endure a failed marriage just so she can play make believe with her dad and stay smiling, unknowing of my inner loneliness.
Everything I've done is for that child, she is the only reason why I bother to do anything at all.
The only reason why I don't plunge a knife in my neck or slit my wrists.
I would do anything for her, and for some stupid petty person to dare say that I'm an unfit mother is just wrong.
I have an ED and I suffer from Depression, but I'm a person dammit, I have fucking feelings too!
If you can't deal with me then FUCK OFF.
I don't care if I ever speak to her again.
I'll prove her wrong, I won't be like this forever.
Today is a bad day because I can't get the crying under control, but tomorrow is another day and a fresh start. I won't always be down here, I'll have my own soapbox to stand on one day too.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

D Day



I went there with high hopes, my paperwork ready and an empty stomach.
Clonazepam in my purse in case anxiety starts acting up, I've already taken half to steady my nerves.
I wait patiently in my hard chair with my daughter waiting to be called. My daughter whispers in excitement about her new room in the next apartment, what color walls she wants and whether or not all the toys will fit in her toy box.
I'm worried, thoughts race through my head, the possibility that finally I will be able to move, that things might go my way.
What if they don't, what then?
I recognize some of my neighbors who are very content and cheery this morning. They are happy in their little rooms for one.
I feel like its a tomb and I a relic, aging and accumulating dust over each passing year.
all my hopes for the future lie in the hands of a government official with a blue tooth in her ear.
These workers have no idea how they can make or break a person with just a stamp on a form.
I'm finally called and give them all my paperwork, everything seems to be in order, I mention the obvious, I've been on a waiting list for a year, I'm mentally unstable, I have a growing child, I live in a roach infested building with a slum landlord who never repairs anything.
Please help me.
The answer is NO.
My lease is renewed for another year here in squalor.
My heart breaks.
No amount of begging or tears sway their decision.
My husband is waiting for me in my car, he's taken it upon himself to drive my car every chance he gets now, taking my key off my key chain and driving off.
My face tells it all.
The car ride is quiet and I'm already thinking about 1000 ways to hurt myself because I deserve nothing, because I am shit.
I stupidly believe that I deserve good things, I don't.
I am an awful person apparently. I will never have anything bestowed upon me, things like that don't happen to someone like me.
At home and I sit defeated in my Blue Chair. The tears start now and they don't stop. My head hurts.
My husbands asks me "What do you want to do?"
I tell him I can't live here anymore, I won't. I rather struggle somewhere else than die here in this little room.
He asks me questions about Orlando, what's it like, is it cheap, the schools, are they great?
Then he asks me the questions that makes the migraine come on.
"Do you think they have a Restaurant up there for me to work at?"
I tell him I'm sure they do.
"Well if its a better place then we should move."
What?
I don't want to live with you. Don't you understand? I am lonely, my heart aches for human contact. For someone to love me, to spare me the littlest of attention. Do you know what it's like to sit and do nothing but care for a child all day long, your conversations are about cartoons and answering questions, and non stop energy, you can never have quiet or rest.
I need to get out of here and I need to be happy somehow before I die, if only for a moment.
"I love you, I can give you all those things." he stupidly says while hugging my stiff body.
NO! I don't love you, you broke my heart are you fucking kidding me. I don't want you.
Now he's walking around with hurt feelings and a sour puss on.
I have no idea what to do now, I know I have to get out of here but I can't put one coherent thought in front of the other.
I feel like drinking tonight, and b/p and taking alot of laxatives and finding a diet pill to try. I want to not care anymore.
I'm fat.
FAT FAT FAT!
My God look at me, I hate myself. I deserve nothing but pain and so it shall happen today. I'm off to the store for my supplies, my means of torture. Food, Lax, Booze and later if I'm lucky my chest pains will finally take hold of me and squeeze my heart till I am no more.
I cancelled my appointment yesterday for the GP, I couldn't go through with it, I'm scared of Dr.s and Hospitals.
I've called my Therapist who can't see me today. I can't even cry to her, hear her tell me positive things. I have no one to vent to.
Happy Tuesday barely speaks to me now, our conversations are awkward and short, now he doesn't care about me anymore, just like all the rest.
I wish any feeling I have for him would just evaporate already. The Boy, he won't understand my sadness.
Last night he started talking about the future, how if I moved up there and we got serious, he'd love to live with me, that ever since our first conversation he's been smitten with me, that I make him happy.
I've never heard that before, that I make someone happy..
He says such sincere things.
I'm scared I'll fuck that up with my horrid ED and Depression.
Or the Age difference or the fact that I'm a single mother, even though he says he adores kids and even wants one of his own.
The future is scary, I feel like my feet are planted in tar, I don't know where to start, all I know is that I am utterly sad and in desperation.
Why do these things keep happening to me?
Why can't I be happy..

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Hope I don't regret this

Saturday, July 16, 2011

The sugar has hit the Fan!



 I'm chatting with him now, he seems happy and clueless lol.
He's excited at the thought of me moving up there *sighs*
Have any of you ever gone through something similar? If so please comment and let me know how you managed to survive because right now I feel like burying my head in the sand.

...and these are the two dam videos grrr that made all this crap happen. Hopefully things wil be okay and I'm just going overboard.. Enjoy Saturday everybody.

OMG!

Hmm not good, the boy found my Youtube vlogs.
He doesn't know about my ED, in a panic made all my videos private, I don't know what to do!
I don't know what he's seen, but...
He'll never look at me again if he knew I was like this.
I may have to just make vlogs private for Blogger, but I have Youtube viewers.
Shit.
Ed ruins everything.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Looong Friday Vlog

13 Healthy Foods That Will Make You Fat.

Sushi Rolls

Sushi RollsSome so­-called smart eats are just junk food in disguise. Cut back on them and your thighs will thank you.

The veggies and seaweed wrap are low-cal, but a lot of the most popular rolls are slathered with cream cheese or mayo (e.g., in that spicy sauce that comes on many options), and the seafood inside may be tempura-battered. Thanks to those ingredients, a standard roll can clock in at 500 to 600 calories. Also, soy sauce is loaded with sodium. It won't make you gain weight, but it'll cause you to retain water, so your jeans will feel (and look) tighter.

Dried Fruit

Dried Fruit
Cup for cup, dried fruit has five to eight times more calories than the fresh kind because it has been dehydrated and is much denser. Fresh grapes, for example, have 60 calories per cup, while raisins have 460. And many brands add sugar, amping up the calorie count even more.


Granola

GranolaSince it's loaded with good-for-you nuts and oats, it's too bad that they add oil to make it crisp and tons of sugar for more yumminess. One bowl racks up around 500 calories. Other cereals with the same nutrients but less oil and sugar pack half that.



Bran Muffins

Bran MuffinsWhether it's plain bran or mixed with apples or bananas, the fiber fills you up, sure, but considering all the sugar and butter it delivers, a bran muffin is basically just a round slice of cake. One weighs in at about 20 grams of fat, 420 calories, and 34 grams of sugar.


Half and Half

Half and HalfYou put so little into your coffee, it seems like a harmless way to get calcium — especially when compared to full-fat cream. But a few spoonfuls per cup of joe two or three times a day quickly turns into 200 or more calories plus the same amount of fat as a big pat of butter!

Wraps

WrapsNo matter what you put in it, the average wrap is a major offender. If you roll it out, it can be 1 foot across — seriously — and pack up to 300 calories. Since the surface area is way bigger than two slices of bread, you coat it with a lot more mayo or dressing than you would
 a sub or sandwich

Bottled Teas

Bottled TeasMost store-bought brands are souped up with sugar or honey, which are crazy-caloric sweeteners. Oh, and one bottle can contain two or more servings, bringing the calorie count to almost 200 — similar to a bottle of soda.


Rice Cakes

Rice CakesThese light snacks are fat-free and low in calories, but they're also completely lacking in fiber or protein — ingredients that experts say actually curb hunger. That means downing two or three won't do anything but add more calories to your daily total and leave you craving something with substance. And limit the flavored kinds — they don't satisfy you more and they tend to have lots of sugar or sodium.

Veggie Burgers

Veggie BurgersSure, skipping beef in lieu of a meat-free patty may save you a little fat and cholesterol. But depending on the brand and what you put on it, you could easily end up housing more than 1,000 calories. The cheese that often binds the veggies together and the huge size of the burgers are anything but diet-friendly. Add a bun and some ketchup and you might as well have had the quarter-pounder.

Orange Juice

Orange JuiceYes, you are reading this correctly. Juices are jam packed full of calories whether you are drinking apple juice, orange juice or grape juice, they all contain a ton of sugar and a ton of unnecessary calories. If you really just want some vitamin C, take a supplement or eat an actual orange and get some of the fiber to go along with it.

Calories: 170
Fat: 0.8g
Carbs: 39.2g
Protein: 2.6
Sugar: 31.7g
Calories Per oz: 14.17



Diet Microwave Meals
Diet Microwave Meals 

  1. There are many brands, such as Weight Watchers and Lean Cuisine, that claim to offer “healthy” microwave meals. However low in fat they may be, however, they are very processed and salty. Also, the portions are so small that you are likely to eat again very soon.


Salads
SaladsThere's nothing better for you or your waist than naked veggies, but the shredded cheese, candied nuts, croutons, and globs of dressing often make salads as caloric as an oversize dish of pasta. And nutritionists are quick to point out that innocent-sounding vinaigrettes, though not as fattening as ranches, can be almost as high-cal.


Tofu

TofuOrder this health food at a restaurant and what you'll most likely get is a plateful of sodium, calories, saturated fat, and even sugar. Tofu itself isn't the issue — the problem is that the white stuff is so bland, it's often served doused in decadent sauces then deep-fried to give it flavor and texture, making it a diet disaster.








Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Up and Down

Therapy today was super productive.
My shrink is coming to my rescue, she's producing a letter identifying my disorders and encouraging housing that my condition requires me to move.
I'm relieved, I'm praying that something changes for me. So far I've nothing but coffee and Ranch Sunflower seeds.
"You've lost weight? your face looks thinner from the last time I've seen you?" my very lovely shrink asks.
The massive week's binge caused that. I tell her I don't think I've lost weight, in fact I think I've gained. She raises her eyebrow in suspicion.
No one notices my plight.
After my session I headed next door to the clinic and made an appointment. My knee hurts bad, its starting to affect me walking, and more importantly the chest pain is intensifying.
I'm getting scared, what if I'm having a heart attack?
Maybe the lax and bulimia binge really got me this time. I'm not going to b/p today at all, I need to start putting things back into my body instead. My Dr.will see me on Monday, if the pain gets worse I'm going to the E.R
I hate hospitals, I would be trapped there all day but I have no other choice. I'm really scared. I told my husband last nite that I don't think I'm going to be around much longer. I think one of these days the heart will be strained too much. My husband says he cries for me and wishes I would just stop this obsession with weight loss. He says he doesn't know what to do or say so he just does nothing. He says that I am the strongest person he knows and I won't go first, that I need to be around, that this world is not meant to be lived without me in it.

Its another hot day, and that means more walking for me. Thanks to no summer camp my daughter is bored out of her mind, I've decided to take her to the library, Free Air Conditioned Paradise.
I hope I'll be okay, I'm starting to worry now.


Tags
For Peridot
Sugar for the walk home lol

Hot Child in the City

Well I did it, yesterday no B/p yay!
No laxatives either, I drank liquids all day, so much that I ballooned all the way to 115lbs..
Pissing the morning away, I feel better.
I think all lax flushed out of my system, no more chest pains. I'm in a better mood, focused and ready to start fresh and get back on track. I won't let Mia get the best of me again, too dangerous. I'll stick to counting calories and exercising.
Child Support was a total bust the only thing they could tell me is that my case is closed, we haven't seen a mediator or judge yet to establish payment, so until then all I get is a notarized letter saying I get zilch.
The joys of a failed marriage.
Here are pics as promised. I've braved the city on foot and have massive sunburn in thanks to it, also as I was leaving a hobo approached me for a quarter all the while eyeing my camera and purse, I told him I didn't have anything and he said he didn't care and was a "bad boy" thus proceeding to ask me for my phone number?
Why do I attract only weirdos and losers?
Ugh, The Boy asked me how do you know when you're in love? omg if this kid tells me he's fallen in love with me, I'm gonna shave my head and swing Umbrellas around in front of paps!
Happy Tuesday keeps emailing me, says he misses me, says I'm not his fuck buddy that he cares a great deal for me..grrrr!
I don't like this Bermuda Triangle I'm stuck in. Is there another contestant on this LOVE GAME SHOW?
And so my walk begings with gummy worms, because that's a good breakfast..and also the strangest thing I've seen in my neighborhood to date. Enjoy.


LOL what do you see wrong with this picture?

I have to make another trip out here after my therapy, need to run more errands and visit "Narnia" aka my Public Library, more pics and details later..
Take care everyone, and thank goodness for fresh starts and Willpower!