Tuesday, January 15, 2013

You know..

It's 7am and I'm having the weirdest dream ever or was.
My ex calls me to tell me that my daughter woke up with her eye swollen shut.
She's having an allergic reaction to something.
He's frantic asking for advice.
I wanted to sleep in today, some of the day seeing as how I have to work at 1pm.
I recommend Claratin instead of Benadryl.

My daughter's missing school today.

 I sit in the quiet darkness of my bedroom and recall my odd dream. The cats coil tightly on my comforter.

I dreamt with my dead Mother.
She never left my side.
She never talks to me in my dream but I know she's saying things to me through her actions. My mother hardly spoke English in life yet I understood everything she said.
I don't care to dream with her but there she was, at my side at all times.
I remember borrowing a car in my dreams a Black Dodge Charger, a beautiful powerful thing.
I don't know whose it was but suddenly it was mines. It felt good to drive again even if just in my dreams.
I remember cruising through well manicured neighborhoods that I've never seen before in life and thinking I live here, I belong here.

I was involved with a man, someone I've never met before, a talkative man to boot.
He was tall, dark thick short wavy hair and blue clear eyes. He was overshadowing and domineering.
He talked a lot. I can't recall about what but it was almost as if he were venting?

I can't remember most of the dream this morning but I knew that this man had a dual personality, and to this I could relate. He had a secret life, a life not known or shared, a secret he kept.
He turned out to be a killer.
He confessed this to me finally, or rather his decapitated head on top of my kitchen stove, his torso lay in my sink, charred as if he were baked in an oven for most of the day.
Once again my mother quietly in the background overseeing all.

My lover's blue eyes never off me as he said "No one notices me because I'm so good looking, no one suspected me."

It's an odd dream I know.
I tried to analyze this dream via Freud. Maybe the killer is me, and I'm wiping out the problematic areas in my life one stab at a time, as for my Mother, well if it were up to Freud then He'd say I secretly wanted to have Sex with her, but I'd disagree. I think maybe she's there just to be my Mom, or what I imagined a Mom would be. I never knew that, I didn't have a Mom with my best interest at heart, Instead I had an abusive, sad woman who I never truly knew.

I got home last night from work, tired, my feet throbbing from wearing inadequate work shoes. Standing all day dealing with rude and unruly customers.
Work was busy.
The highlight of my day was when I gave the sweet manager his Walking Dead TV series poster.
He was like a child on Christmas.
His eyes lit up and he was overjoyed.
He proceeded to say No! omg you're kidding!
He loved his gift.
He picks me up in a bear hug and kisses me loudly, Smooch!
He reminds me of my youngest brother so much it makes me ache for him wherever he may be.
( I miss him)

I wish I had a supportive family system, but I don't.
 We're all just bits and pieces floating all over Florida, we are dust motes in the daylight.

I stay longer at work yesterday because it was so busy, I couldn't part to leave my work family. These oddballs I've come to know these very brief months.

I get out of work and head straight to McDonalds.
I eat my food along the way home, the fries are scorching hot from the peanut oil not more than five minutes earlier, the chicken nuggets too.
My burgers sit at the bottom of the bag, I save those for home.
I sip on a large coke after each bite, I regret the Caramel Sundae I didn't buy to make my binge more enjoyable as it that weren't an oxymoron in itself.

When I get home, I open my mailbox and read a letter from DCF (dept. of Children and Families..aka. WELFARE)
Apparently I owe them $94.00 from Dec 1 2011-May 31 2012?
How is that even possible???

I almost rip the letter in half.
Instead the food comes back up in an instant and I hardly have time to make it to the toilet to relieve myself.
What an Injustice.
I owe nothing!
This year has been one financial blow after another.

I can't even begin to process what this means.
I'm a ball of nerves as it is reapplying and reporting my new earnings which mean that they would cut practically any assistance I currently do get.
Nothing is ever easy.

Sometimes I wish I could just stop giving a fuck about everything and everyone.
But I'm not built that way.
My heart doesn't quit, even when it should.

This morning I call back this worker handling my case who is demanding I pay this debt in 30 days.
I leave him messages but to no avail.
I decide to call in from work. I just can't today.
I try to call my ex, no answer just voicemail.
Makes me nervous, the idea of him giving my daughter medicine and not really knowing what.
I want to think he'll do the right things but I do know him best, and lying and covering mistakes up are his strong point. My mind races thinking of this and that.

I speak to Stick in the Ass, he says few words to me as I worm my way out of work.
I must confess I'm a bit overjoyed seeing him one day less this week. Last Tuesday he found fault in everything I did. Our little truce seemed to come to an end.
I didn't cry at work in front of him, but I so wanted to with each reprimand he gave me.
How small I feel at the Pharmacy. How lost.
Undeserving of this job, too undeserving. I merit less.

My life takes me to strange places, I'm not at the helm.

I'm determined to head to the Public Assistance office near me, I want to straighten out the latest dramatic plot line in my soap.

I walk to my Ex's house since I can't get him on the phone, I start to imagine all sorts.
Maybe he gave her too much meds, she's overdosed or is sick really sick.
I see his car in the parking lot and it's okay, he's there and so is she, and so is her DOG "the beagle" LOL.
It's a hotdog folks.

My daughter's eye is better, the swelling still noticeable some. She reeks of DOG!
I comb her nappy hair and spray her down with perfume.
My ex decides to give me a ride to sort out my letter and he also wants to go file taxes.
I need a ride so I agree.
The letter sorting business was a bust. The DCF near my district has nothing to do with this, it's another agency. I have to keep calling this man on the letter and hope to make contact before my 30 days are up.
I ask about my Insurance. I'm told my daughter has Insurance, I have a share cost of $39 for everything.
I can't go over my $800 deductible or I'll have to come outta pocket.
If I want further info then I have to contact the Insurance Agency for further instructions. Great.

I call and call this man who doesn't answer. It's frustrating.

We head to the tax place next.
So this is the big mystery solved with my Ex's interest in taxes.
Separately we will have a small return.
I have the smallest of them all because I've just started working, all the government has withheld from me so far is like 400.
My ex won't see much this return either, so the next best thing is to file together.
My ex suggest we split down the middle 50/50 of whatever is owed. We don't have an exact number because he forgot his pay stubs.
I tell him No.
I want more than him, I deserve it, I have no car and have been taking care of this kid all by myself.
He reluctantly agrees.
So if we get $5,000- then I get 3 and he gets 2.
If it's higher or less the same precept.
No 50/50 here.
Take it or leave it.

Friday we go to officially file.
I haven't told him yet but I'd also like it all deposited to my bank account too. Last year he was very slow in withdrawing the return from his account and gave me my money in payments like if I was a lottery winner or some shit.
No, not this year.
Take it or leave it.
That should be my new motto.

Take it or leave it.

I've b/p today on food here. No laxatives today which is great.
I'm upset at the recent weight gain although it's not accurate because I still fit in my clothes. I wish I could really be comfortable in this skin but I don't See that happening anytime soon.

It's 9pm and I'm actually going to bed. It's so quiet here it's depressing.
Sometimes I feel so blessed but have no one around to share the spoils with.
Makes me think that God's not done with me yet. I'll have that too, that companionship that I need.
A lonely Lou is just bad business.
I deserve more than what I just get. I may not know a lot of things but of this I am most certain.

I wish you all a good night.
Let's see what tomorrow holds.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

If only.

I couldn't make two days.
I can feel myself dying.
I'm aware.

Today was a great day, a great start.
I felt happy and confident.
I got to webcam with my boyfriend which was nice.
It feels good to laugh early in the morning, to smile.
Sometimes when its just us, I find myself smiling all day, so much so that my cheeks actually start to hurt.

I worked with stick in the ass and one other tech that I love.

The day was painfully slow.
I had to keep reminding myself "time and a half...time and a half."
I made coffee in the morning instead of my usual coffee fix from McDonald's.
I wanted to make today count and so avoided temptation.

I had only one rude customer, an impatient woman.
I apologized profusely for my mistakes and kept the lines of communication open.
By the end of the transaction, I won her back.

I had two shakes, a bag of peanuts and bought a tin of pringles at work, I hardly had the chips, my coworker ate most of it and feeling bad in doing so although I offered the thing.

Eating was a bad idea.
It stayed with me, the feeling of disgust, guilt and regret.

Ed was not happy.
"Stupid girl, you'll ruin us yet!"

I had more men compliment me on my hair than anything today.
I didn't expect that, my coworker just said she wishes she could be so bold and go so short, she wants to be spontaneous.

When work was done I walked home in the cold.
At home the turmoil started.
I had some bread and tuna, I felt fat and full.
Cold sweat perspired from every orface on me a nd I became anxious, sad.

Finally I went to the bathroom and rammed my long fingernails down my throat.
Everything I ate came back up.

Afterwards as I slouched defeated on my couch, I started to cry.
I feel like a loser.
God, I can't get better??

This is what dying must feel like.

I'm really weak and tired.

More work tomorrow.

Working and working at it.

I'm calling it a night.

Be safe


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