Okay first video blog..
Just a quickie.
I slept in this morning, no alarm waking me up for a workout. The room was cold and extra dark today.
I slept soundly last night. I think it has to do with the new bed sheets I bought. Nothing like sleeping in something new.
|The kitties are liking it too|
I decided to eat today.
This morning I had a small coffee and a chocolate muffin from the gas station.
This muffin was 360 calories.
I didn't purge it, I was really hungry and didn't feel so dizzy yet. The sugar rush stayed with me for a good hour, I talked so much today.
Shopping and browsing, not too much though, there was a time restraint on account of my daughter and school.
Money in my pocket today and that usually means I can binge on anything I want. I don't, instead I buy plenty of Powerade and drink it throughout the day.
I come home and tidy up some, now what do I do next?
I make more coffee and eat some crackers. I don't know how many calories and frankly I don't care. More water now and Gatorade too.
I keep this down. No Mia in sight and that's always a good day.
My body is fighting me today, I have a huge headache and the worst heartburn ever. Everything inside me is screaming, purge the foreign food!
I can't and won't.
I hate that my body is reacting this way, even my chest hurts now. I don't know if that's anxiety or actual strain?
My body doesn't care for my latest attempt at sustenance, it's being difficult and stubborn.
I know my weight is probably going to be up dramatically, I wouldn't be surprised if its a few lbs already. The truth is and I have to keep telling myself this, the scale lies. Food needs to be digested and distributed, impossible to think that its fat pure fat. No.
I need to trust what I see in the mirror now that I'm thinking clear enough to actually see what I really look like. My body is still the same, I look no different. So what if I did even. 100, 103, 105 is there really a difference? No.
I look at my arms and I can see all of my veins. I can see the veins in my hands too. My rings that fit my fingers last month, today both fit my thumbs. My skin is tightening up in my legs, I see muscle and not much else.
I feel too thin today and I don't like it one bit. No amount of makeup can help me now. I'm not comfortable in this skin, I don't know how to enjoy this weight, how to live in this new frame. How do you do this?
How do you rock the emaciated look? I don't think that's possible.
I kept looking at women's bodies today all day, comparing one from the next. I can see how small I am compared to them all. I could not identify a single soul who was shaped body wise to me. I feel as though my body is stunted back into adolescence. I have no hips, a tiny waist and no other curves. This is not the body of an adult who's about to turn thirty in March.
I read somewhere once that your mind actually gets stunted at the age when the disorder starts. You stay in that mindset, disordered frozen thinking. I've spoken to some women with Ed's who have proven this true. They don't even realize it. Their behavior is odd, off kilter in most aspects. It feels like high school all the time. The competitiveness of an Ed never ceases to amaze me. Do we not all have tickers, countdowns to our goal?
Do we not celebrate our loses and secretly are happy when another fails or gains?
Is there really support or are we just all spectators?
I also wonder about the issue of recovery, what then, how do you still try to be "supportive" when there are triggers all around, when you're the only one who wants to get better and no one else does.. How are you not also triggered by someone Else's Ed?
You do get affected of course, but when you want to get better you're in it alone. No one else can go through that process except you. No amount of support will ever be enough unless you're ready to truly try to recover.
There are other ways to cope with feelings, and I know the way I'm going about everything is wrong.
Eating is a scary thing now but today I've managed to do it. Will I eat again tomorrow, I have no idea. I wonder if I'll ever enjoy food again?
When can I finally rest, when will this stop? I'm tired, feels hard being at this weight and the one before that and the one before that one and so on. Its just hard being me I think. Thinking the way I do.
Everything is so repetitive. Binge, purge, restrict, starve repeat. Days like this though where something just shuts the noise and I eat are the wild cards. I don't mind more days like this. Reminds me of days gone by.
So all in all despite the stomach pains and heartburn, nausea too, this day was okay. I don't know if I'm at 103 at this moment and it's okay. I'm not panicking or running to the lax or any other trick I know to drop sudden gain, I'll just trust that there's a reason why I'm calm. I was supposed to eat today and that's it. Can't run on empty all the time, wouldn't be standing if I was.
Can't surpass a plateau either with no food in you.
Besides I have a weight loss pattern and eating is part of it.
I've come pretty far and have lost so much already, I should ease up on myself some. Maybe try to enjoy this weight or learn how to somehow.
I have to stop losing weight at some point before I end up hospitalized. Too many little signs poking at me. I need to slow down.
Clothes shopping tomorrow. What comes after 0?
Hope I find something that fits.
Wish I had a bookstore that was closer. I saw these books recently and the library doesn't carry them at all.
Eat This, Not That!
I love food porn. They even have a book that's specifically food that's 350 calories. I wouldn't mind reading that one and seeing what I'd be working with to make the transition to eating again more bearable.
Yesterday was bad.
I went at it three times, I can't go over that number. I can't get out of control again. I want to actually set a goal of three days no b/p if I can pull it off. It will be hard of course, I'm trying to ween myself off of Mia and that's always difficult when you do it alone. I have no one in my corner, not even myself. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard, maybe I should just be. I don't know what I want anymore. The closer I get to 100lbs now, the less excited I am. It doesn't feel like before, the desperation is leaving me. I even had a flicker of hope that maybe 100lbs could be enough for me, maybe I should just get there and try to maintain. Would that be so bad?
Everyday I get more exhausted, I'm tired of fighting myself, I don't want to hurt myself. This is all I've become and all I know now. How can I change that and actually stop. I get triggered and then binge, I eat all the bad, more and more until I can't even move, then purge; throw out all the emotions, the negativity, the hurt. Sometimes it works like a charm and I'm relieved, the problem is gone momentarily, of course that doesn't happen always. The majority of times I do it to as punishment, I get triggered and take it out on myself instead. I'm not in a good place, I can't get anything right.
I was in a self loathing mood yesterday.
Nothing made me feel better of course, I only knew how to make it worse.
I was chatting with a good friend of mines and she made a comment to me; she said that "good things come in 3's.."
I was binging early after dropping my daughter off at school. I began calling my insurance provider just to see what was the holdup, where is this magical card that is suppose to fix everything. If it wasn't coming by next month I was ready to give up on it all. I was already having suicidal thoughts, I don't think I would ever act on them to be honest, although what I'm doing is a form of unintentional slow suicide.
I finally got through after almost an hour wait. How frustrating and discouraging, I kept calling and getting transferred or disconnected. Yes a real person, no more automated system, now explain to me like I'm a five year old what is happening with my insurance?
Apparently I was waiting for an insurance card that was never going to come in the mail. To top that off I was under some plan that required me to pay out of pocket for each visit every month.
I explained myself to the representative and they kindly worked with me to fix the problem. I just needed to submit a notarized letter about my current income and that was it, problem fixed full coverage insurance after that Gold Card in the mail.
I had to purge next; the purging is becoming easier, I can get in and out quicker now, maybe its because I'm caring less about what happens to me. In any case I go and weigh and wouldn't you know 103lbs. Has to be a fluke.
Third b/p session and weight still at 103lbs. So I guess that makes good news number 2?
I call and call the repairman, still no treadmill. He won't even answer my calls. I feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I'm pissed. I hate that he took things out of the treadmill. I don't want to really believe I'm being swindled, but c'mon what is going here?
As the night rolls along, the sudden dizziness does too. I go to bed early and awake at 1am and go to the bathroom, vertigo as I get up and walk around. I'm dizzy still.
This morning same thing. I'm dehydrated big time.
I'm to that stage again where liquids scare me. I know I have to drink water and some Powerade, but I just don't want to.
I have to drive carefully to school, I feel bad. I hate it when I'm already dressed and ready to go to school and my husband would pop his head from under the blankets like a groundhog scared of it's shadow.
"Do you want me to take her to school?" he asks and it makes me see red.
When you want to take her to school, set the alarm, dress her, feed her and leave me sleeping, do that when you want to take her to school. Until that happens I believe the answer is no precious, keep sleeping in. Why wait until I drag my tired body out of bed in the cold morning and do all of that. Why even ask?
I hate feeling so dizzy, my chest is tight too. My throat is sore as I've managed to scratch it good yesterday.
Today I don't know what I feel. I just know that I have to drink something and get better or I'll pass out somewhere.
On the drive back home I am freezing and the pains are unbearable. My scalp is dry and itchy. I'm falling apart at the seams.
The house is warm and I crawl back into bed for a minute to catch my breath. The room is spinning and I notice my nail beds are purple today.
|The little green bowl is Ketchup/Mayo mix for the fries. yes I eat fries with mayonnaise and ketchup!|
|Giant gooey cookie; I'm a lazy fat ass sue me...|
I'm back down to 105lbs this morning.
I didn't cave yesterday. I only drank a pathetic 32 ounces of water and did a ton of exercises. My sides are really sore and full of green and purple bruising. The Miralax kicked in early this AM as I began to get up for the morning school shuffle.
Today my daughter has a field trip at school. She's off to Jungle Island with her class. I'm happy for her, she went to bed excited talking heaps until she closed her eyes. This morning she woke up all by herself and started the chatter again.
My husband woke up early too, I don't like this because he's like a normal person, he gets up and can eat breakfast. The problem is that he wants me to eat breakfast too knowing dam well what will happen if I do. Its way to early to start that, doesn't he realize how much I'm suffering? How hard not doing this from day to day is?
I look at him and he continues to make plans about us living together in some place bigger, one big happy family and all I can think about is the affair and how much was taken from me and what a mess I've become because of this. The last four years have been a blur to me. How can he be so unaffected, why isn't he a mess like me?
We're in the car now on the way to school and I'm tuning out all of these imaginary plans he's trying to project onto me. I'm so cold today, its only 60 degrees outside. I wanted to wear these black leggings and a nice long sleeved shirt and my boots, but when I got dressed and looked in the mirror I became disgusted with my legs. They look so skinny and the gap is almost there, that space that I wish would just happen already, but hasn't all the way yet so instead my thighs look weird to me. Ugh hate my body!
I feel so self conscious and embarrassed suddenly. I grab some jeans and wear it over my leggings. No makeup on this face today, feel too sad. I have no one to impress anyways. I've given up on my crush, he's too good looking for me. There are other more impressive women I'm sure he'd rather than me. I won't waste my time or his anymore.
I get out the car and see him of course, he doesn't see me yet and I couldn't feel more relieved. Hmm, he shaved his beard, he looks better without it anyways.
I make a quick getaway back to the car.
I feel and look awful today, I'm really sad. I wish there was something other than b/p that could make me feel better. I wish I could sleep the day away, I don't like taking sleeping pills, I don't trust falling asleep and not being aware of my surroundings. It's not a great feeling to be out of it and wake up to something horrible happening to you. I unfortunately have experienced that. It's a very personal story I wish to forget and don't really talk about or ever again will I think.
Kava Stress Relief tea sometimes helps me. It will get me in a foggy state and sometimes I'll doze off even, a light nap. I'm out of it though at home and low on Splenda, so a trip to the grocery it is. Next door to the grocer's is a dollar store, I go inside to buy plastic silverware. Why plastic silverware?
Well my teeth are very fragile lately and my fear is that I'll bite down or hit them by mistake with the aluminum and chip something good. I use plastic silverware now at all times.
In the dollar store now and I go to the aisle with the pills, they carry vitamins and even though I'm A Vitamin Shoppe junkie, I like to cheat sometimes. I'm out of E at home so I grab some. I start browsing the shelves and the sleeping pills catch my eye. How simple to just pop some and erase half the day. Why shouldn't I?
I grab them and head out. I'm in a foul mood and quiet in the car. I try to go outside myself and imagine how having me as company might feel. I must be so draining. I don't know why anyone bothers with me, I'm no fun. That's not going to change anytime soon either.
I can only imagine how hard someone has to try to be with me or around me. I'm off in another world all the time. How boring I must come off as, I'm such a loser. I have nothing to show for myself at my age. What could I possibly have to offer to anyone?
I sigh silently and feel like I just want to eat all of these pills. I should just do myself and everyone else a favor and end this. I'm just wasting space and emotions. I hate that I think this way, I know things can turn around for me, I've been through hard times and though they've seemed like the end then at that point in time, I've managed to pull through better than ever. Its just so hard this time. I feel so hopeless, I feel like no one cares about me.
I think the only one who really loves me is my daughter. She tells me everyday now
"Mommy you're pretty; Mommy I like your hair; you're smart; Mommy I like when you cook, when I get bigger I want to cook like you, will you teach me?"
She is full of compliments, the only one who ever tells me these kinda things because I don't say those to myself.
If it wasn't for her, well let's just say there would be no blog.
Ugh my husband is a chatty one this morning, you'd think he had Parrot Flakes for breakfast. Blah Blah so many plans..
One day at a time is all I can fathom sir.
I make my tea and it tastes so good, my cold body needs this to warm up. Its all I've had so far, I take a sleeping pill too. I'm just waiting now for it to kick in.
I feel like drinking all the time now, well not all day just at night. I swear if I had a twenty on me now, I'd drive to Walmart and buy as much wine as that could get. A bottle a night.
A few months back I'd drink every night. I couldn't wait for a suitable time to crack one open or uncork a bottle. I'd go online, hear music, start to get numb and forget things. I miss that, I need that.
Drinking alone does that to me, as much as I'd like to drink socially, alone feels safer to me. I can get it all out.
My mother was an alcoholic and a binge drinker, I think I get that from her.
She'd go months sober and then would binge drink, she'd go for weeks on end drunk all day and night. Then one day stop and the cycle starts again.
I feel like the cycle has started with me, something has triggered me into the alcohol again. I think maybe its because I'm at a crossroads. I could either keep going spiralling more into weight loss or I could try and stop losing weight and try to find a happy medium with myself. I don't know what I want. It changes from day to day like my mood. Some days I'm ready to quit all of this, others I'm ready to lose it all, not caring what it takes to get that number lower. I feel as though I am at war with myself.
I think I'm off to bed now, I want to sleep this day away. I'm tired of hopelessness and sadness. I'm tired of waiting.
My friend emailed me a song that he converted from Youtube. It made me smile, this takes me back. I'm glad he sent it too because I look everywhere for it and could never find it. Its on my Ipod now and I think I'll listen to it now until I doze off. I'll share..
Last night drank two bottles of cheap wine, 6% alcohol content each-koolaid for adults, what a waste.
Ate a whole pack of Saltine crackers too because I am a fool.
Alcohol impairs your judgement; you don't say.
I'm full to the brim with cheap wine and crackers, I feel so fat and my weight is up. I'm so bloated and nauseous. I can feel the digestion happening this very second.
I'm not eating today at all, I've been drinking water to help move things along.
I don't deserve any kind of food today. I've been thinking long and hard about this b/p and how easy and appealing it looks from an outsiders perspective. No wonder everyone just about throws me a parade for losing all of this weight. They think its genius, eat whatever you want and throw it up, no gain, no pain.
Last night I only had two cups of wine and called it quits. I was only tipsy. I spent the rest of the night on YouTube watching Vlogs about Ed recovery.
Some of it was triggering, most of it inspiring.
Its a struggle, the girls all tell the story of how the Ed came to be and what they did to overcome it.
PsychoTherapy of course, bouts of hospitalization for many; wanting to get better and weight gain were the constant for them all. The road to recovery is not an easy one, nor is recovery a cure to an Ed, it's just something to work hard at and for. Once you've truly decided that the choices you're making are not the healthiest for you its really time to stop and get better, make different choices. I sometimes wish I didn't have full blown Bulimia, I do. The anorexic tendencies are there of course, but I'm a classic Bulimic all the way. I have all the criteria met.
DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Bulimia Nervosa
A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:
(1) Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances.
(2) A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
B. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting, or excessive exercise.
C. The binge eating and inappropriate compensatory behaviors occur, on average, at least twice a week for three months.
D. Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
Bulimia nervosa also has two subtypes:
Yesterday was brutal yet I managed to make it through another day..
I didn't binge and purge...on food. I did binge on wine instead.
I managed to hold off all day. Distractions, exercises, multiple showers and I even prepped tonight's dinner in advance. I figured if I could just hold off and not eat I would be okay, later on I could drink and then fall asleep and avoid Mia completely. That was my well executed plan. The second I wanted to give in and cave, and was so close to by mere minutes, something out of the ordinary happened.
My oldest brother calls and stopped by for a late visit. He never comes by so late. He was going to be in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and see me. I was saved. I waited almost a full two hours in anguish for his arrival, craving and imagining what I would eat. I wanted to binge so badly on anything, everything. He took so long to come and his phone was off, where is he?
He finally arrives at my place carrying a large white bag. A souvenir I think as he's just returned from Philadelphia. I was half right.
My brother has brought me a case of Vanilla Ensure and several Boxes of Cup of Noodles Soup.
|My Homage to Mia Farrow|