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Monday, January 31, 2011

First Vlog





Okay first video blog..
Just a quickie.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Its a small world after all

                                                                                         Mood:Sleepy
I slept in this morning, no alarm waking me up for a workout. The room was cold and extra dark today.
I slept soundly last night. I think it has to do with the new bed sheets I bought. Nothing like sleeping in something new.

The kitties are liking it too

I got up and showered, didn't weigh just yet. My stomach feels bloated and achy. It's whatever I ate yesterday slowly digesting me thinks. I'm sure the Miralax is trying to kick in too.
Its too cold outside for me today, my knee is acting up again. The treadmill repair man has given me the run around again. Every time I think about this idiot makes my stomach knot up. Fine you don't want to fix it then return what you took, maybe I can find someone else to repair it. No not even that.
The random things that happen only to me. Its like I have a KICK ME! sign stuck to my back at all times I swear..
Time to weigh and of course its at 104lbs. I thought the damage would be worse. I guess it could go down again today, I keep telling myself that. It's just one pound, let's not have a breakdown Lou.
Today I want to go shopping. Originally I planned to go alone but as I got dressed everyone else in the house decided to tag along.
What a relief it is to find clothes that fit. I bought at least six pairs of skinny jeans and I found three nice jackets. One of em is a bomber jacket I got from Wetseal-love it.
My daughter got some light up Sketchers, she can't stop skipping now, I wonder how long those little lights will last if she keeps at that?
After shopping my daughter wants eggs, hubby suggests IHOP.
Oh boy.
I tell him to drop me off home, I do want to go of course but we all know what happens next.
"Just eat it and throw it up at home. Let's all have breakfast together." he simply says.
I offer to pay for my own food. He's not having any of that.
I wish I did because the truth is I would've ordered a lot. That wasn't in the cards though. Today's wait at the restaurant was a good twenty minutes. I was having an anxiety attack on the drive there. This happens all the time now. Dining out makes me freak out. My chest throbbed and my breathing was shallow. I tried to distract myself with the radio switching stations back and forth. I gave myself a pep talk. I even tried to imagine what I would binge on. What did I feel like having? Everything!
Inside and seated on the long burgundy bench, huddled closely together our little trio awaited. So many people here today, that didn't help the anxiety either. I get so paranoid, I imagine all eyes on me. What must they think of me. I'm wearing black jeans and a long sleeve tight top. I have a huge puffy jacket and a scarf even I'm so cold. You can't tell what my body looks like under this attire. Why am I so worried?
I watch the employees and try to imagine working here. The waitress flirts with the rather young looking manager. He bustles around ordering the other servers about, they comply but I saw a few sneers from one or two. The cooks merrily plopping large white plates full of food on the stainless steel window. Cashier's taking and making change. Bussers clearing tables slowly all of them with white earphones glued in their ears.
None of these people look like they have any trouble with eating. Why do I feel like the only one. Why can't I be like that waitress with the shiny hair, makeup and a huge smile. I bet she gets paid every week and heads to the movies. She orders popcorn and maybe a diet soda too. She'll enjoy the cinema and head back home to her nice apartment. Maybe she'll see her boyfriend later too. A nice sweet good looking guy who likes to hold her hand and tells her things like I missed you today or you make me happy.
She won't run to the bathroom and vomit to feel better about anything. She won't blow her paycheck on food. She won't be a loner or a loser. She's not me.
I don't know if I'll ever even have one iota of that life.
My name is called and we can finally be seated at a booth. I have no idea what I want. My husband orders steak and eggs, my daughter has a Rooty Tooty Jr.
All I know is that I want coffee and soda first. I order a ham breakfast sandwich thing and as the waitress leaves change my mind and opt for a turkey club and fries instead. She jots it down and I could swear she made a face. Hmm so sorry if your hand hurts from scratching that order out and rewriting something else.
You know that saying about being so comfortable with someone that there's no need to even talk, that's me and my husband. I just noticed that today. In the car we don't talk, at the restaurant, the chatter is mere sentences, at home forget it. I think we've run out of things to say to each other. I know there's nothing more to say. This is me, I'm not well. I'm in no position to do anything right now except get better. That life he wants back is dead. That woman is too. I'm the shell now.
Two cups of coffee and I'm feeling hot, my jacket comes off now and I have to pee. I don't want to get up and walk past the table in the corner that's full of women. I imagine comments on my appearance. Seeing as how I've left my diaper at home, I have no choice but to head to the bathroom.
I fidget in the bathroom and pick at myself. My hair and face are so dry. I think I look old and haggard. God I will never be happy, why can't I just like what I see? Why does no one else either?
The food is waiting for me when I got back. I'm glad I changed my order at the last minute, the sandwich was what I really wanted.
I'm really full, my daughter didn't eat all of her food and my husband and I look like vultures picking at the remains on her plate. Pancakes and more coffee, three cups of soda. I'm done, if I eat anymore I'll have to purge it at the restaurant's bathroom.
I turn the TV on in the living room at home and up the volume while I go purge. I get it all out and feel better. I go at it so hard I'm back down to 103lbs.
I feel lightheaded but that doesn't stop my mind from planning now on what's next. I dress and head back out to the market for dinner. I'm in the supermarket and after grabbing what I need, I head to the checkout. The lines are long as it seems only three cashiers today. I have eight items exactly so I opt for the speedy checkout line. I'm looking at the tabloid magazines when I look up and see them.
Two women, skinnier than me. They are brunettes and the same height. Their faces are sunken in and one of them upon closer inspection looks older than the other. The gaps between their thighs put me to shame. You'd think they were riding invisible horses its so wide.
Long sleeve shirts and in layers, looks like the uniform for Ed's.
They are carrying around a basket and only have one item to them each-fresh baby carrots.
I stare at them in wonder, my world just got a little smaller. The loneliness just got a little more bearable.
Seeing these two anorexic girls in public felt like that cliche of seeing a deer in the wild. Finally a face like mines staring back. My heart swells and I want to keep staring at them, befriend them even, say look over here fellow travelers I suffer too.
I don't of course, I'm too much of a chicken shit to do that. Instead I push my sleeves back and wave the Red Flag. The older looking one happens to turn her head in my direction and she does a double take. I stare at her and she smiles at me and looks down at my wrist. I glance at hers and she shakes her own wrist very non chalant, out from under her long sleeve a flicker or a red beaded bracelet. Now we are both smiling and she casually bumps her companion. The other turns and smiles too, she shakes the bag of carrots and makes a blah face as if to say ugh carrots for dinner again..
I'm next to pay and our silent acknowledgement is interrupted, they are paying too and are done heading out. They wave goodbye to me and head for the two exit's sliding glass doors. How lucky they are to have each other. Alone is never good.
By the time I get back home my husband is leaving to work. I cook dinner and purge four times today. I went over.
Now I feel sleepy, I'm really drained. My daughter is running a fever for some reason, I gave her medicine and she's out sleeping already. I hope this doesn't turn into one of those long sick nights. I'm sipping on water and Powerade now trying to feel better.
I'm thinking about those two girls still and what by chance brought them together?
Are they related or best friends, did they meet online and then in person?
Now they are together in their disorderd eating, motivating and feeding each other's sickness. That's both bad and good.
Wish I had someone here going through this, maybe I'd be different..
Do things really have to be so secret, why can't everyone wave more Red flags, where are all the people?
I know more of us are out there, am I not looking hard enough?
Why do I feel like The Last Unicorn?




Friday, January 28, 2011

Eat, drink and be Merry?

                                                                                              Mood:Anxious
I decided to eat today.
This morning I had a small coffee and a chocolate muffin from the gas station.
This muffin was 360 calories.
I didn't purge it, I was really hungry and didn't feel so dizzy yet. The sugar rush stayed with me for a good hour, I talked so much today.
Shopping and browsing, not too much though, there was a time restraint on account of my daughter and school.
Money in my pocket today and that usually means I can binge on anything I want. I don't, instead I buy plenty of Powerade and drink it throughout the day.
I come home and tidy up some, now what do I do next?
I make more coffee and eat some crackers. I don't know how many calories and frankly I don't care. More water now and Gatorade too.
I keep this down. No Mia in sight and that's always a good day.
My body is fighting me today, I have a huge headache and the worst heartburn ever. Everything inside me is screaming, purge the foreign food!
I can't and won't.
I hate that my body is reacting this way, even my chest hurts now. I don't know if that's anxiety or actual strain?
My body doesn't care for my latest attempt at sustenance, it's being difficult and stubborn.
I know my weight is probably going to be up dramatically, I wouldn't be surprised if its a few lbs already. The truth is and I have to keep telling myself this, the scale lies. Food needs to be digested and distributed, impossible to think that its fat pure fat. No.
 I need to trust what I see in the mirror now that I'm thinking clear enough to actually see what I really look like. My body is still the same, I look no different. So what if I did even. 100, 103, 105 is there really a difference? No.
I look at my arms and I can see all of my veins. I can see the veins in my hands too. My rings that fit my fingers last month, today both fit my thumbs. My skin is tightening up in my legs, I see muscle and not much else.
I feel too thin today and I don't like it one bit. No amount of makeup can help me now. I'm not comfortable in this skin, I don't know how to enjoy this weight, how to live in this new frame. How do you do this?
How do you rock the emaciated look? I don't think that's possible.
I kept looking at women's bodies today all day, comparing one from the next. I can see how small I am compared to them all. I could not identify a single soul who was shaped body wise to me. I feel as though my body is stunted back into adolescence. I have no hips, a tiny waist and no other curves. This is not the body of an adult who's about to turn thirty in March.
I read somewhere once that your mind actually gets stunted at the age when the disorder starts. You stay in that mindset, disordered frozen thinking. I've spoken to some women with Ed's who have proven this true. They don't even realize it. Their behavior is odd, off kilter in most aspects. It feels like high school all the time. The competitiveness of an Ed never ceases to amaze me. Do we not all have tickers, countdowns to our goal?
Do we not celebrate our loses and secretly are happy when another fails or gains?
Is there really support or are we just all spectators?
I also wonder about the issue of recovery, what then, how do you still try to be "supportive" when there are triggers all around, when you're the only one who wants to get better and no one else does.. How are you not also triggered by someone Else's Ed?

You do get affected of course, but when you want to get better you're in it alone. No one else can go through that process except you. No amount of support will ever be enough unless you're ready to truly try to recover.
There are other ways to cope with feelings, and I know the way I'm going about everything is wrong.
Eating is a scary thing now but today I've managed to do it. Will I eat again tomorrow, I have no idea. I wonder if I'll ever enjoy food again?
When can I finally rest, when will this stop? I'm tired, feels hard being at this weight and the one before that and the one before that one and so on. Its just hard being me I think. Thinking the way I do.
Everything is so repetitive. Binge, purge, restrict, starve repeat. Days like this though where something just shuts the noise and I eat are the wild cards. I don't mind more days like this. Reminds me of days gone by.
So all in all despite the stomach pains and heartburn, nausea too, this day was okay. I don't know if I'm at 103 at this moment and it's okay. I'm not panicking or running to the lax or any other trick I know to drop sudden gain, I'll just trust that there's a reason why I'm calm. I was supposed to eat today and that's it. Can't run on empty all the time, wouldn't be standing if I was.
Can't surpass a plateau either with no food in you.
Besides I have a weight loss pattern and eating is part of it.
I've come pretty far and have lost so much already, I should ease up on myself some. Maybe try to enjoy this weight or learn how to somehow.
I have to stop losing weight at some point before I end up hospitalized. Too many little signs poking at me. I need to slow down.
Clothes shopping tomorrow. What comes after 0?
Hope I find something that fits.
Wish I had a bookstore that was closer. I saw these books recently and the library doesn't carry them at all.
Eat This, Not That!
I love food porn. They even have a book that's specifically food that's 350 calories. I wouldn't mind reading that one and seeing what I'd be working with to make the transition to eating again more bearable.




Add that to my wish list of books I want..
I'd love the whole collection really, that and the Betty Crocker cookbook or any cookbook for that matter. Cooking is soothing sometimes, especially baking. Maybe I'll bake something tomorrow?
Let me not get ahead of myself yet. I'm getting pretty tired which should be the opposite, I have food in me now, that should go towards energy.
I guess it just takes a lot of work to break all of it down.

I'm off to bed now I think.
 I'll fight the good fight again tomorrow.
Night to you all.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Drink the Agua

                                                                                               Mood:Full
Yesterday was bad.
I went at it three times, I can't go over that number. I can't get out of control again. I want to actually set a goal of three days no b/p if I can pull it off. It will be hard of course, I'm trying to ween myself off of Mia and that's always difficult when you do it alone. I have no one in my corner, not even myself. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard, maybe I should just be. I don't know what I want anymore. The closer I get to 100lbs now, the less excited I am. It doesn't feel like before, the desperation is leaving me. I even had a flicker of hope that maybe 100lbs could be enough for me, maybe I should just get there and try to maintain. Would that be so bad?
Everyday I get more exhausted, I'm tired of fighting myself, I don't want to hurt myself. This is all I've become and all I know now. How can I change that and actually stop. I get triggered and then binge, I eat all the bad, more and more until I can't even move, then purge; throw out all the emotions, the negativity, the hurt. Sometimes it works like a charm and I'm relieved, the problem is gone momentarily, of course that doesn't happen always. The majority of times I do it to as punishment, I get triggered and take it out on myself instead. I'm not in a good place, I can't get anything right.
I was in a self loathing mood yesterday.
Nothing made me feel better of course, I only knew how to make it worse.
I was chatting with a good friend of mines and she made a comment to me; she said that "good things come in 3's.."
I was binging early after dropping my daughter off at school. I began calling my insurance provider just to see what was the holdup, where is this magical card that is suppose to fix everything. If it wasn't coming by next month I was ready to give up on it all. I was already having suicidal thoughts, I don't think I would ever act on them to be honest, although what I'm doing is a form of  unintentional slow suicide.
I finally got through after almost an hour wait. How frustrating and discouraging, I kept calling and getting transferred or disconnected. Yes a real person, no more automated system, now explain to me like I'm a five year old what is happening with my insurance?
Apparently I was waiting for an insurance card that was never going to come in the mail. To top that off I was under some plan that required me to pay out of pocket for each visit every month.
I explained myself to the representative and they kindly worked with me to fix the problem. I just needed to submit a notarized letter about my current income and that was it, problem fixed full coverage insurance after that Gold Card in the mail.
I had to purge next; the purging is becoming easier, I can get in and out quicker now, maybe its because I'm caring less about what happens to me. In any case I go and weigh and wouldn't you know 103lbs. Has to be a fluke.
Third b/p session and weight still at 103lbs. So I guess that makes good news number 2?
I call and call the repairman, still no treadmill. He won't even answer my calls. I feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I'm pissed. I hate that he took things out of the treadmill. I don't want to really believe I'm being swindled, but c'mon what is going here?
As the night rolls along, the sudden dizziness does too. I go to bed early and awake at 1am and go to the bathroom, vertigo as I get up and walk around. I'm dizzy still.
This morning same thing. I'm dehydrated big time.
I'm to that stage again where liquids scare me. I know I have to drink water and some Powerade, but I just don't want to.
I have to drive carefully to school, I feel bad. I hate it when I'm already dressed and ready to go to school and my husband would pop his head from under the blankets like a groundhog scared of it's shadow.
"Do you want me to take her to school?" he asks and it makes me see red.
When you want to take her to school, set the alarm, dress her, feed her and leave me sleeping, do that when you want to take her to school. Until that happens I believe the answer is no precious, keep sleeping in. Why wait until I drag my tired body out of bed in the cold morning and do all of that. Why even ask?
Grr.
I hate feeling so dizzy, my chest is tight too. My throat is sore as I've managed to scratch it good yesterday.
Today I don't know what I feel. I just know that I have to drink something and get better or I'll pass out somewhere.
On the drive back home I am freezing and the pains are unbearable. My scalp is dry and itchy. I'm falling apart at the seams.
The house is warm and I crawl back into bed for a minute to catch my breath. The room is spinning and I notice my nail beds are purple today.



Google, because I google everything, and according to Natural Heath Techniques
Purple: Oxygen deprivation, circulatory problems, congenital problems.
Hmm I don't know which of the three pertain to me, I'll guess circulatory and blame it on the fact that my treadmill is kaput and I'm no longer jogging.
I wonder just how sick am I?
I don't look it and that's what scares me.
I run one more errand before trying to sleep for an hour at least. The dizziness stops finally and I close my eyes and hope it lasts.
When it's time to get my daughter from school my husband notices how bad I really feel.
"Why don't you try to not throw up so much?" he says while trying to bring me in for a hug, trying to grab me.
I don't like him touching me, I don't like him lately period. I even sleep with a pillow between us.
I think its a little too late to ask me to stop. I wouldn't even know how.
I explain how misreable I am, that the only way I can truly be happy requires me to disrupt everything and hurt others. I don't know if he realizes he is a huge trigger and part of the problem. He says he loves me; do you love me enough to let me go so I can get better?
I think not.
The dizziness is back and I feel like a panic attack wants to happen because of it. I need to drink something I can't get over this any other way.
After my daughter is picked up from school, we head to the grocery to buy Gatorade. My husband pops out the car quickly before I even have a chance to get out, it dawns on me he doesn't want me to come along.
Ah, is this his attempt at not buying anything additional?
I feel hurt and mad, worried too because I have to drink all those calories. My eyes get watery and my chest burns. It feels like the opposite of a menthol rub.
I try my best not to cry. I can't help the sadness that's coming and I gulp and gulp and swallow the hurt back inside.
He's back with the largest Gatorade bottle they had. I don't want to even think about how many calories yet. How much do I have to drink before I feel better? How much is this going to up my weight?
"Now why are you crying? Just drink it dam." he barks at me.
No clue. You help create the monster and then whip out the pitchfork when it suits you-Bad monster! How dare you not act as I command?
He hurt my feelings, I feel like a freak.
I start to think about what am I going to even make for dinner, there's no more meat in the house. I think there's pasta..
I'll figure something out for dinner, not that he cares, I'm not the only soul in the house after all. There's a little girl in the backseat who eats too.
I'm dropped off home and I don't even say goodbye to him. I detest him at times, more now lately than usual.
The gatorade is shoved to the back of the fridge and I start dinner, pasta it is.
I don't binge on it. Instead I make a small soup, something hot for these aches. I don't binge anymore today. I start sipping the water.
The phone rings an hour later and I'm told the tax return money is here.
Good news number 3?
So now what do I do? I don't really want to b/p anymore today. I'm at 103 still and dizzy.
I start to drink Gatorade and sip water. I eat two bananas and take some more supplements. I feel full, incredibly full, so much so I want to purge. I can't, I need to just let this be. Digest dam you!
I start to clean the house really really well. I figure I'll be up early tomorrow shopping, spending some of this income tax return on things for the house at least. I should leave this palce nice and neat, it's a great distraction so far.
I still feel full and I'm actually craving eggs. I'm blogging now to distract myself further, after this Youtube till I start to feel drowsy and nod off.
Tomorrow should be better I pray. I don't want to weigh, I'll try not to weigh in the morning either.
I even took my Christmas Tree and any Xmas decor down earlier to keep me busy.
Yes I still had a tree up.
Ugh only 10pm. Gonna be a long weekend, hope I feel better soon.
Night to you all.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Impasse

                                                                                          Mood:Cold



This morning is a lovely 75 degrees. The day is dark, cold and drizzling rain. My kind of day.
Yesterday I managed to sleep the entire day only waking up at 8pm drowsy and tired. I stayed an additional hour awake before calling it quits for the remainder of the night. So I've made it two whole days no purging. I don't weigh yet, I'm scared to, the disappointment is too much for me.
I exercise and shower. My clothes are becoming a nuisance. Every week its seems like something else doesn't fit me. This week my sweaters.
During laundry day as the clothes get put away, sometimes my husband makes the mistake of putting half of my clothes in my daughter's dressers.
As I'm searching for a white tee that I'm certain is in her room, I stumble upon a black sweater. Out of sheer curiosity I try it on, and wouldn't you know the dam thing fits me, I fit a six year old's sweater..
Its not even tight. I look in the mirror and can understand how he could mix up our clothes. So it looks like I need a new wardrobe.
School traffic is hectic today and I'm forced to park far away and walk a block. I'm feeling particularly sad today. I'm tired of feeling this way its so exhausting. It hurts to smile and its a bother to talk. I just want to avoid everyone. I'm tired, not sleepy but just fed up with it all.
I avoid being noticed which is always a good thing in my book when you wish to avoid certain someones..I'm getting used to being over looked anyways. Maybe my super power is invisibility.
In the car and dreading home. Its only 9am and I tell my husband I'll be back later, I want to be out of the house, its too early to think about food and numbers, caloric intake, gain, lose..
My phone rings and its my sister, we chat for a bit while my husband dresses to join me.
The drive does me good, there is no particular place I had in mind to go, I just wanted out.
The car needs gas and a quart of oil, to the gas station we head. Coffee is suggested and I don't say yes or no yet. I tune out the question. Do I really want coffee? Am I even thirsty or hungry? I have no idea what my body wants anymore, those signals that let you know these things are non existent. I hate that I already start to calculate, one medium coffee, Splenda, hmm low fat creamer or do I want half and half, how many calories more.
Its fucking coffee!
I allow myself this. I figure I'll pee it out and walk off the meaningless calories.



The only place I could think of possibly going that is even open at this time is Flamingo Plaza; a strip mall full of thrift stores.
I'm circling around the huge parking lot and see a strange sight. A flock of seagulls all huddled together enjoying the rainy breeze. I always picture them as local residents of lovely sandy beaches only, makes me always wonder what on earth could they possibly enjoy being someplace other than there? I'd live on the beach if I could.
Nevertheless, there they were serene as ever, enjoying Tuesday, beach or not.


We spend a good chunk of time at the shops, walking around and looking at numerous items we have no room at the house for or are in need of. As usual I buy more books than I have space for. I used to have a ton of books, god so many. I lost that all when I became homeless. I could only keep with me whatever I could fit inside my car at the time. The majority of it was clothes, picture albums and only a total of maybe twenty books that I absolutely loved.
The Dark Tower series were among the essentials I could not part with. I've been trying to build up my collection again, but I have to tell you that material possessions once you've lost it all don't have the same sentiment as before. Sometimes I'm scared to have things, to invest too much love or ties into them. I'm scared to lose it all again.
Today though the books I found were ones that I really wanted, I found The Bridges of Madison County, and a rather new Steven King book, The Dome.
Lots of goodies, but no money now to shop. Maybe next week when the tax return arrives. For now plenty of window shopping.
I did look at sweaters..
There was this woman trying on coats meticulously in front of the only large mirror available. She was very snobby for someone buying used clothing at a thrift store, I guess its because everything she tried on looked awful on her and her companion, whoever he was didn't help matters much. Men shouldn't be bothered with opinions when it comes to what looks good on a woman.
I on the other hand had a small pile of lovely sweaters that I wish I could buy. I got them from the children's rack; did I mention the mirror is right next to this aisle. I was the only adult woman trying on sweaters here.
The woman gave me looks, first appalled, second jealousy. Whatever I tried on fit me beautifully, almost as if it were tailored to me. Her sweaters did not fit that way. I think it also didn't help that my husband was so vivid in opinions, whether genuine or not, he seemed to like my selections. I didn't get any of them, if they're here next week fine, if not, oh well..
Breakfast is not an issue, completely avoided.
Dinner is brought up on the way back home. I recall pork chops being thrown in the sink by me this morning on the way out from school.
"What are you going to eat?"
My husband asks me very oddly. I think he knows more than he leads on.
Ugh what do I want to eat? Not eat.
So I'm craving of course and it doesn't help that he's so willing to enable me. I really want meat. A huge greasy burger with bacon, yeah bacon! If it comes from a pig I'm eating it.
I want an egg too, an egg cooked over easy and placed on top of that greasy bacon cheeseburger. I want to bite into that burger and have yolk spill out everywhere smothering more goodness.
French fries and some cookies and coffee too. Wow.
I say all of this to him and he's happy to oblige.
We're killing time until 12 when this video store we always go to opens. Its 11:30 now.
I feel guilty of course; I'm wasting money eating and throwing it all up. If I had my own money then I wouldn't care, shit I'd be at buffet all by myself eating my ass off. That's not the case, instead I tell him how I feel.
I won't sugarcoat it, you know I will eat all of that and throw it up.
Instead I opt to make a chicken sandwich and fries; supplies that are already at home. I'm trying to be considerate. The truth is I hate asking this man for anything, he works I don't. I would be wasting his money. I just..fuck.
I wish I had money, my money. I hate having someone else flip the bill-hate!
The video store opens finally and we get three videos and head back home, I have to start cooking while he goes ahead and gets my daughter from school.
I make pork chops and white rice. I make the cookies and chicken sandwiches too.
I'm still craving eggs so I boil a few, I'm getting a new car next week so I'm reading the Auto Source magazine and yes I picked up the Divorce Mag too.
I had no idea such a publication existed. I wanted to make Chocolate Chip cookies, I got lazy suddenly and just plopped everything on the cookie sheet, the whole dessert turned into a giant cookie square.

The little green bowl is Ketchup/Mayo mix for the fries. yes I eat fries with mayonnaise and ketchup!

Giant gooey cookie; I'm a lazy fat ass sue me...

After my daughter is home, homework is done, dinner is consumed.
I go ahead and binge. The food has absolutely no taste. I added salt to everything and still nothing. I tasted nothing. The first few bites actually made my stomach hurt?
I ate and still nothing, I made coffee and it just upset me more. The food had absolutely no taste what so ever. I felt so full too. What is happening?
I ran to the bathroom and everything came up in an instant. I didn't even have time to undress as per my usual routine. I weigh naked and purge naked.
This time I didn't even have that luxury. Everything, bread, cookies, coffee, fries came up in such an instant it made my head spin.
Everything was so dissolved, usually there are things you could identify in purging, nope not this time. I think its because I didn't b/p for two days straight. All of the acid buildup made purging a breeze. I went ahead and undressed, then weighed.
104lbs.
Fuck.
I should be happy but I'm not. How could I be. Its like stumbling across a cure for Cancer and you have no idea how to duplicate it.
What did I do to lose?
Was it the 2 days no purging, is it because I just purged? I have no idea, is it a fluke even?
So I'm back on the bed exhausted and dizzy. I didn't drink any water today. I'm not even thirsty.
My daughter is enjoying spending time with her Dad, he gives into her demands so much. They are playing games on the computer and then playing makebelive.
I decide to purge again.
My chest is screaming and there is something really crunchy in my mouth as I bite down I realize it's a piece of tooth, a tiny chip from where I don't know. Out of frustration I start to feel like I want to cry but don't.
I find out today that my other uncle may be dying? His kidneys are failing. He's going on dialysis. When I lose I lose..
This family is like the Kennedy's? We're dropping like flies left and right.
Am I the next one to go?

Its 9pm and time for my daughter to go to bed. She knocks out quickly. I'm feeling really depressed and decide to drink. After and hour of this, my husband is drinking too, the same mundane topics are being rehashed. We're also browsing the car magazine. I'm to go car shopping next week. I have an idea of what I want but you never know what awaits you once you reach there. The night keeps dragging on, looking through Ikea catalogs and discussing possible purchases. The wine is settling my upset stomach. All the voices and fears of dying and worry over weight are muting. I think I can relax now.
I want to vent.
I want to talk about Bulimia, Anorexia, I want to talk about being cheated on. I want to talk about depression and Bi polar, mood swings, suicide. Why can't I?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a drag, like no one really wants to mention the big fat pink Lou elephant in the room. Just because you ignore something doesn't make it go away.
When is it a good time to ask-What's in all of this for you?
Are you waiting for me to die or do you just think this can all stop one day on it's own?
I decide to get it all out in the open.
I'm drinking because I'm incredibly depressed, frustrated and worthless. There is never a right time to talk about anything. The entire night turns into a huge fight, a back and forth of who's worth more.
I'm tired of waking up sad in the mornings, sometimes I can't understand how I'm awake at all?
I do not want to cry for no apparent reason, I'm tired of being mad at things that are gone with the rain and seasons. I feel pathetic and crazy.
I can't be some one's wife; I try my hardest just to be a mother, to put on the exhausting pretend show. I'm tired of caring about other people.
One minute we're looking at cars in a magazine, comparing prices and dealerships, the next we are both at an impasse.
It feels like a game of who matters the most?
"You think it doesn't break my heart to see you lock yourself in that bathroom, you think I can't hear you?" my husbands words slide off me like water off a duck's back. I can never see the sincerity in them. I think its because I've lost all respect for him. I think he's a liar and a slick fat cat.
"The things you say sometimes, the way you behave make me turn my head away because I know you're sick, if you could just get better then maybe we could move on. You could see how good things could be." he continues.
I raise my shirt and stand in front of him. I try my hardest to hide what I really look like. I'm disgusted with this body and ashamed of it.
Look; My spine as I bend over, more ribs now, my hip bones are trying to protrude too.
Does it look like I will get better?
He starts to sob, I hate the sound, not because I feel bad for him because to be honest I don't; it's because I don't believe his tears are genuine. I want an apology and he wants forgiveness. He says he is sorry for the affair, he says he didn't love her and he was frustrated in our marriage. That's cause for abandonment?
I don't forgive you. You're a liar and I don't trust you. I think you had fun for a year and then grew a conscience; now you're back because I'm so pathetic I've allowed it, and here you are.
Now we are each other's punishment. You want to be happy and move on, you're dragging me with you to that goal you strive so desperately to achieve. I'm in no condition to enjoy anything. I'm stuck with you and so I think I should just live whatever is left of this sad little life of mines.
After we continued the blame game and my wine is all finished, its 3am and I have to be up soon..
He goes into the other room and is checking ESPN for basketball highlight's.
I shake my head and cry. I don't matter, stupid stupid cow when will you learn?
I'm trying to blog now, finish this very post. He comes back and wants to talk some more. I'm done talking, I want to vent. I want to let this anguish out.
He keeps on talking about something that I cannot hear. His words don't reach me. I'm free once the clacking and clicking of the keyboard start, I am someone else, I think I may even be happy.
Finally after he keeps on with the saliva wasting, I ask him if the game is not on or if its too late for sports, he says boldly enough yes. Ah, I see why the bothering of me when I'm most serene. I tell him to go to bed, I'm done with discussions. I'm done with it all.
I've told him earlier this morning about how hard it is becoming for me lately, how strong the suicidal urges beckon to me. How I hate to think that way at all.
These are just words, la di da, la la la.
Then words they will stay, said and over with.
He goes to bed and I stay up and try to write again but I can't. Everything I start to type gets too personal and I don't want to scare anyone. I don't want worry. The only thing I can say now that it's another day and I am sober. Today I do not want recovery. I have no need for it.
I have all my binges planned for the day. Bacon, soft boiled eggs and waffles. Tuna sandwiches and baked potatoes, pasta primavera for dinner as well. I have a two litter of diet soda and plenty of juice to help wash everything down. I plan to go buy bread in a bit when the rain lets up, yes another rainy cold day. If I had money for more wine then I would buy some. I think I'll bake a cake too.
I plan to binge and purge all day long until I get fed up with it or my head and chest throb so much I have to shower and lay down.
I don't know what else to do or how to get better. I'll get a new car and more pretty things that don't fit in my house, I'll buy more clothes, smaller still and soon, my size zero jeans keep falling off of me. I'll ignore all advances and chances, like I did this morning as I rushed in the rain to drop my daughter off at the school's entrance ignoring a man who still tries to look me in the eye and maybe figure me out. I will just stay put and accept the inevitable.
This is today, tomorrow I may feel entirely different.
This is what it's like for me, what it's like when you have no control over your life, when you feel out of control.
I wish I could feel and be different, but I'm not no matter how hard I try, I'm always swimming against the current.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Rock- a- bye baby

                                                                                        Mood:Depressed
I'm back down to 105lbs this morning.
I didn't cave yesterday. I only drank a pathetic 32 ounces of water and did a ton of exercises. My sides are really sore and full of green and purple bruising. The Miralax kicked in early this AM as I began to get up for the morning school shuffle.
Today my daughter has a field trip at school. She's off to Jungle Island  with her class. I'm happy for her, she went to bed excited talking heaps until she closed her eyes. This morning she woke up all by herself and started the chatter again.
My husband woke up early too, I don't like this because he's like a normal person, he gets up and can eat breakfast. The problem is that he wants me to eat breakfast too knowing dam well what will happen if I do. Its way to early to start that, doesn't he realize how much I'm suffering? How hard not doing this from day to day is?
I look at him and he continues to make plans about us living together in some place bigger, one big happy family and all I can think about is the affair and how much was taken from me and what a mess I've become because of this. The last four years have been a blur to me. How can he be so unaffected, why isn't he a mess like me?
We're in the car now on the way to school and I'm tuning out all of these imaginary plans he's trying to project onto me. I'm so cold today, its only 60 degrees outside. I wanted to wear these black leggings and a nice long sleeved shirt and my boots, but when I got dressed and looked in the mirror I became disgusted with my legs. They look so skinny and the gap is almost there, that space that I wish would just happen already, but hasn't all the way yet so instead my thighs look weird to me. Ugh hate my body!
I feel so self conscious and embarrassed suddenly. I grab some jeans and wear it over my leggings. No makeup on this face today, feel too sad. I have no one to impress anyways. I've given up on my crush, he's too good looking for me. There are other more impressive women I'm sure he'd rather than me. I won't waste my time or his anymore.
I get out the car and see him of course, he doesn't see me yet and I couldn't feel more relieved. Hmm, he shaved his beard, he looks better without it anyways.
I make a quick getaway back to the car.
I feel and look awful today, I'm really sad. I wish there was something other than b/p that could make me feel better. I wish I could sleep the day away, I don't like taking sleeping pills, I don't trust falling asleep and not being aware of my surroundings. It's not a great feeling to be out of it and wake up to something horrible happening to you. I unfortunately have experienced that. It's a very personal story I wish to forget and don't really talk about or ever again will I think.
Kava Stress Relief  tea sometimes helps me. It will get me in a foggy state and sometimes I'll doze off even, a light nap. I'm out of it though at home and low on Splenda, so a trip to the grocery it is. Next door to the grocer's is a dollar store, I go inside to buy plastic silverware. Why plastic silverware?
Well my teeth are very fragile lately and my fear is that I'll bite down or hit them by mistake with the aluminum and chip something good. I use plastic silverware now at all times.
In the dollar store now and I go to the aisle with the pills, they carry vitamins and even though I'm A Vitamin Shoppe junkie, I like to cheat sometimes. I'm out of E at home so I grab some. I start browsing the shelves and the sleeping pills catch my eye. How simple to just pop some and erase half the day. Why shouldn't I?
I grab them and head out. I'm in a foul mood and quiet in the car. I try to go outside myself and imagine how having me as company might feel. I must be so draining. I don't know why anyone bothers with me, I'm no fun. That's not going to change anytime soon either.
I can only imagine how hard someone has to try to be with me or around me. I'm off in another world all the time. How boring I must come off as, I'm such a loser. I have nothing to show for myself at my age. What could I possibly have to offer to anyone?
I sigh silently and feel like I just want to eat all of these pills. I should just do myself and everyone else a favor and end this. I'm just wasting space and emotions. I hate that I think this way, I know things can turn around for me, I've been through hard times and though they've seemed like the end then at that point in time, I've managed to pull through better than ever. Its just so hard this time. I feel so hopeless, I feel like no one cares about me.
I think the only one who really loves me is my daughter. She tells me everyday now
"Mommy you're pretty; Mommy I like your hair; you're smart; Mommy I like when you cook, when I get bigger I want to cook like you, will you teach me?"
She is full of compliments, the only one who ever tells me these kinda things  because I don't say those to myself.
If it wasn't for her, well let's just say there would be no blog.
Ugh my husband is a chatty one this morning, you'd think he had Parrot Flakes for breakfast. Blah Blah so many plans..
One day at a time is all I can fathom sir.
I make my tea and it tastes so good, my cold body needs this to warm up. Its all I've had so far, I take a sleeping pill too. I'm just waiting now for it to kick in.
I feel like drinking all the time now, well not all day just at night. I swear if I had a twenty on me now, I'd drive to Walmart and buy as much wine as that could get. A bottle a night.
A few months back I'd drink every night. I couldn't wait for a suitable time to crack one open or uncork a bottle. I'd go online, hear music, start to get numb and forget things. I miss that, I need that.
Drinking alone does that to me, as much as I'd like to drink socially, alone feels safer to me. I can get it all out.
My mother was an alcoholic and a binge drinker, I think I get that from her.
She'd go months sober and then would binge drink, she'd go for weeks on end drunk all day and night. Then one day stop and the cycle starts again.
I feel like the cycle has started with me, something has triggered me into the alcohol again. I think maybe its because I'm at a crossroads. I could either keep going spiralling more into weight loss or I could try and stop losing weight and try to find a happy medium with myself. I don't know what I want. It changes from day to day like my mood. Some days I'm ready to quit all of this, others I'm ready to lose it all, not caring what it takes to get that number lower. I feel as though I am at war with myself.
I think I'm off to bed now, I want to sleep this day away. I'm tired of hopelessness and sadness. I'm tired of waiting.
My friend emailed me a song that he converted from Youtube. It made me smile, this takes me back. I'm glad he sent it too because I look everywhere for it and could never find it. Its on my Ipod now and I think I'll listen to it now until I doze off. I'll share..

Amanda Kravat
"Green (You Can't touch me)"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

You're Grounded!

                                                                                             Mood:Pissed
Last night drank two bottles of cheap wine, 6% alcohol content each-koolaid for adults, what a waste.
Ate a whole pack of Saltine crackers too because I am a fool.
Alcohol impairs your judgement; you don't say.
FML!
I'm full to the brim with cheap wine and crackers, I feel so fat and my weight is up. I'm so bloated and nauseous. I can feel the digestion happening this very second.
I'm not eating today at all, I've been drinking water to help move things along.
I don't deserve any kind of food today. I've been thinking long and hard about this b/p and how easy and appealing it looks from an outsiders perspective. No wonder everyone just about throws me a parade for losing all of this weight. They think its genius, eat whatever you want and throw it up, no gain, no pain.


It's not easy, it unbearable and ridiculous and gross.
You don't lose any kind of weight like this, all you do is stuff as much food as you possibly can down your throat as quick as you can and then go waste long agonizing minutes of your life bent over a toilet bowl regurgitating it all back up, only to do the same robotic actions again and again all live long day.
I'm fed up with denying myself food, everything goes down the drain now, liquids, even safe food. Nothing is safe anymore.
I have to exercise like a fiend to even allow myself anything at all. I'm cold and tired, isolated and depressed. The depression feeds the Ed and Vice versa. I feel like I'm getting stupider everyday too. I forget things and can't concentrate on anything but food. Numbers govern me, the Scale determines my outcome.
I have panic attacks when I have to eat out in public and anxiety attacks when I can't purge quick enough.
Purging is becoming tiresome, exercising is also a hard tedious way of expelling calories. Want that salad 100 calories, or 10 minutes on the treadmill, everything has a stigma attached to it.
The bulimia feels like a cake walk because you gorge yourself with whatever you please, it makes you lazy. I don't deserve it anymore. I need to work harder. I've been BS too much with this. If I want to b/p I think it should be earned. I should work hard all week long and only indulge in the ritual once a week. One day out of the week, maybe a Friday or Sunday. I'll be so exhausted I may not even want to do that anymore and that would be the point.
I may fail at this completely, quitting something cold turkey is never easy, but something has to change for me. I don't want to gain all this weight back and that could easily happen if I continue to be careless and get to that point of complete starvation. I need to start restricting again, to get familiar with the feeling of food inside me.
So today plenty of water for me, exercise every hour and plenty of profanities in the mirror. Have to punish myself until this thing gets drilled in my head that its not okay to gain.

Lose It!

                                                                                             Mood:Tired
Last night I only had two cups of wine and called it quits. I was only tipsy. I spent the rest of the night on YouTube watching Vlogs about Ed recovery.
Some of it was triggering, most of it inspiring.
Its a struggle, the girls all tell the story of how the Ed came to be and what they did to overcome it.
PsychoTherapy of course, bouts of hospitalization for many;  wanting to get better and weight gain were the constant for them all. The road to recovery is not an easy one, nor is recovery a cure to an Ed, it's just something to work hard at and for. Once you've truly decided that the choices you're making are not the healthiest for you its really time to stop and get better, make different choices. I sometimes wish I didn't have full blown Bulimia, I do. The anorexic tendencies are there of course, but I'm a classic Bulimic all the way. I have all the criteria met.

DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Bulimia Nervosa

A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:
(1) Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances.
(2) A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
B. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting, or excessive exercise.
C. The binge eating and inappropriate compensatory behaviors occur, on average, at least twice a week for three months.
D. Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.

Bulimia nervosa also has two subtypes:

  • Purging type is characterized by regular use of self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or (rarely) enemas. This type is more common and associated with more problems, including histories of childhood sexual abuse
  • Non-purging type involves compensating for binge eating by excessive exercise or fasting, but not by purging
People with bulimia are on average within the normal range for their age and height. People with bulimia often binge and purge in secrecy, feeling disgusted and ashamed when they binge, yet relieved once they purge.

 I'm sure once my therapy starts I'll be properly diagnosed for all my disorders including the Ed. I'm scared to let a professional know about that, once that's out there sometimes its all they care to treat. Obligations and contracts are made and comply you must. On the other hand it feels good to get this out. I went for months in secrecy losing weight and no one knowing or suspecting a single thing. One day I just told someone, and then finally after my very first Ed related scare that lead me to a day in the hospital I came clean to my sister and husband. My oldest brother knows although he thinks I'm just dieting, and I've mentioned it to my second oldest brother (I have 4 brothers) too. I love all all my siblings, but this particular brother and I share a strange unspoken bond. He tried to commit suicide once and he left the note on my front door, I thought it was a joke and went to confront him about it. I found him hanging from an extension cord, cold and lifeless. He was okay thank god, unconscious from doing it wrong. I was never the same after that, I cried for two weeks straight. I was so sad for him, to be so alone and desperate that you would actually act on those feelings of death. I've been so close to that point but have never acted on it. Pray to God that I never will either.
Well after that he and I kinda have this odd symbiosis, he's even apologized to me for said incident and for putting me through that.
He knows I suffer from depression and he's called before while I've been under, I told him that I don't eat, and that I throw everything up. His reaction is concern and his usual playful interpretation of concern.
"You better stop doing that or I'll go over there and put my foot in your ass!"
So that's the extent of the caring on his end. We use a lot of humor in this family.
Sometimes telling the secret can be triggering, you want to come clean and feel that weight on your shoulders be lifted, but what if somehow telling makes it worse, what if your lifestyle and way of life look inviting?
I get asked all the time what is my secret? People want an easy answer, tips!
I would never wish what I'm going through for anyone. It's not a diet.
I'm not built the way others are, I can proudly say that I am a hard woman. I can endure loads. Some can't, my body can take a lot and so can my mind. What I can do and put up with isn't for everyone. I would hate for someone to think that they could keep up with me or do what I do. Being a novice to this can be detrimental to your health. Please be safe and find another way to lose weight, a healthier, safer way. Don't be like me, I'm not a role model or Thinspro, I'm a mess and a fool.
I'm so tired of this.
Today thanks to an app from ITunes that was recommend to me, the day started off differently.
Lose It! is a clever way to keep track of your weight loss. An online food diary and calorie keeper, exercise calculator and best of all you can add people by their email address, so it makes the support system even stronger.
I tried it this morning and entered all my info and the things I decided to eat, how much exercise I did and you know what?
It felt safe to me. It made the actual eating safe, granted I didn't eat a ton maybe 200 calories or so, but still to myself I thought, I could restrict, maybe?
In the afternoon though b/p happened, 1x like I said and during that odd binge, it didn't feel like a binge, it felt like a meal?
I made spaghetti, the meal was small and I got full fast, I also had a bowl of cereal and that's it. I ate slowly and felt that odd sensation of fullness, not that awful can't move cus I'm too full feeling and I have to throw up now. I listened to my body and stopped eating after I felt full. It reminded me of all those dietitians telling you how to eat and distinguish real hunger from thirst or actual boredom. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.
The purge came afterwards unfortunately still-I'm so tired of purging. Purging feels like such a dam punishment. All that work!
I'm getting so tired of Mia. I don't want this anymore. My b/p have been reduced to 3x max no more. Today was only one episode, good but zero is the number I want.
The binging is getting smaller, little meals, and sometimes very well thought out, only things that wouldn't be so painful to bring back up. Pizza no, bread eh less. Donuts no; pancakes hell no.
Its like the changes are there now the rest of me has to catch up with the mindset. This new app on my Ipod has sort of inspired me a little. I feel as though I want to slowly restrict instead of my continuous failure of trying to be rid of Mia entirely. I feel it in my bones, Bulimia will not be it for me. I'm so ready to be done with this. I will fight this.
15lbs and then? I want to maintain, but that means eating. I have to find a way to do that. Tonight I've been drinking again and I managed to eat something. I feel so full, the desire to run into that bathroom right now is too much. I know my weight is up 2-3lbs, I'm full of liquids and food. I can't and shouldn't purge. I need to start getting used to food again, small amounts. I have to, can't binge and purge forever?
It's going to happen, I will be rid of this Mia for good.
My freezer and cabinets are still full of food, normally I'd be down to practically nothing by now, not the case anymore. The changes are in place and I'm ready to embrace it, I want that next step. I want to do something else, live another way.
Recovery can have many definitions, I want to recover from Bulimia and be done with it. I will be trading one addiction for another yes, but to me it doesn't feel that way.
I would gladly take Anorexia any day of the week than Bulimia.
Maybe I will be rid of the Ed entirely, only time will tell. In the meantime, I will continue to struggle with this and I wish that others like me would speak up. I don't want to feel like this kind of thinking is mines alone. Is there anyone else who feels this way?
Can trading in one mess for another really be the solution to one's problems?
Is constantly choosing the lesser of two evils still choosing evil?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Arm Candy

                                                                                        Mood:Embarrassed
Yesterday was brutal yet I managed to make it through another day..
I didn't binge and purge...on food. I did binge on wine instead.
I managed to hold off all day. Distractions, exercises, multiple showers and I even prepped tonight's dinner in advance. I figured if I could just hold off and not eat I would be okay, later on I could drink and then fall asleep and avoid Mia completely. That was my well executed plan. The second I wanted to give in and cave, and was so close to by mere minutes, something out of the ordinary happened.
My oldest brother calls and stopped by for a late visit. He never comes by so late. He was going to be in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and see me. I was saved. I waited almost a full two hours in anguish for his arrival, craving and imagining what I would eat. I wanted to binge so badly on anything, everything. He took so long to come and his phone was off, where is he?
 He finally arrives at my place carrying a large white bag. A souvenir I think as he's just returned from Philadelphia. I was half right.
My brother has brought me a case of Vanilla Ensure and  several Boxes of Cup of Noodles Soup.



He did bring me a souvenir also, A Liberty Bell, I love it.
I have a small collection of souvenirs from places in a box, I'll add this there too. The other things were definitely unexpected. My brother stayed late with me, we talked about this and that. Finally after he leaves much much later, the craving is gone and I just want to drink.
I stay up late and this time pace myself, cup after cup after cup. Its a binge of another kind. I stay up late and catch up on Blogs, Vlogs and gossip. Read threads on Forums and comment. Facebook and even looked at Porn; the Food Variety not the nasty hankey pankey kind. I was looking at Recepies and Kitchenware. I didn't have a drunken food binge which was amazing. This morning my head is pounding of course. I still managed to get up and squeeze in some pushups and crunches before a very hot shower. My knee has been in protest all week, I have no idea why. I miss my treadmill. Repaiman says Monday now. Its taking forever, my treadmill is turning into a giant coat rack as we speak.
Today I'm suppose to meet my husband's boss at work. He's been after me for awhile now. For some reason our meeting has been put off. I'm nervous to meet him, my husband gushes over this man so much. He admires him.
I'm worried that he'll take a good look at me and think I'm too skinny, maybe even sick looking? That he would say this is his wife? I wonder if I should dress in layers. I don't know why I'm so worried about what this stranger I've never met in actual person would think of me. I guess I just want him to like me, to think that everything is okay from the outside. To keep up the pretending, we're "happily married" instead of separating and on the cuffs of a breaking point.
I shower and wash away any anxiety. My weight is up thanks to all the alcohol, 105.6lbs, I hope I piss most of this away today. I stare at my body and notice my ribs are visible from the side more, not just the front now. That's new.
I decide to just be me, this is something I've been trying out, to just accept my looks, my scrawny mishapen body, short thinning hair and awkward shy demeanor. Take me as I am or watch me as I go.
I wear a long sleeve baby pink shirt, tight fitting and I like it. If I raise my arms my ribs are visible. Skinny blue jeans and my toning shoes. My hair is clean and done, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss applied. Perfume on and I think I look okay. My daughter is made out extra cute today. We're ready to go.
In the car and my daughter is singing along with the radio, my husband bops his head to the melody and there isn't a peep outta me. You know I don't sing.
"Look at me." I turn my head in my husband's direction and he nods his head in approval, he smiles.
What?
"You look good today, your skin is so clear and you look rested. I guess the wine is helping you sleep huh?" he comments.
Yeah it really helps. I feel rested.
In the wet parking lot now and this trio is out the car and headed inside the empty restaurant.
My husband's smile is huge and he proudly introduces his wife and daughter to the employed masses.
The first person I run into and immediately recognize is Emma, an older woman from Barbados who I've known for some years and ran into just a few months back. She is astonished to see me.
"No! That's not you, where's that other girl at. I can't beleive this is the same girl I just saw." she exclaims loudly hugging me and spinning me around in a showroom fashion.
My face is red. She drags another familiar face over and the gushing begins again. Now the questions, how did I lose all the weight?
I use the familiar company lines-exercise, watch what I eat, the Dr. put me on a diet, etc.
I'm handed over again to more people in the kitchen. Men, so many men, all of them wide eyed. I feel flushed, suddenly my usually cold body feels hot and fatugued. My long sleeve shirt feels like a parka. A panic attack is trying to come over me. Too many people, too many hugs and handshakes. Everyone is staring at me and I realise that I haven't stopped smiling since I first set foot in this place, my cheeks are red and sore. I've never been lavished with so much positive attention before. My daughter is eating up all the attention, she likes meeting new people. Thank God she is the opposite of me, she will be normal, a social butterfly.
Finally I'm towed to the back office and meet Adam, the Brittish wonder. He's tall and average built, a head full of soft auburn curls that match his bearded face and eyes. He is very posh and shy for some reason. According to my husband he is nervous?
I didn't think I was capable of making one nervous. Its rave reviews for my husband.
"He is a hard worker, we couldn't manage with em." his Boss tells me.
I love this man's accent, I could listen to him recite the phonebook. Instead he talks to my daughter and she is all smiles. She can melt icebergs. All in all a successful first meeting. Now we have to head back out the way we came. I'm feeling the lightheadedness again, so many people all smiles and praises. Everyone seems to really like me. I say goodbye to the sea of faces and I've forgotten all of their names already. I'm feeling very flustered now, I need air, I need to see the outside of this establishment now before I faint.
I feel like a trophy wife, arm candy. No one at this job knows about us, we are the happy couple and baby makes three. I feel sad for him, he's trying so hard to get back the time that was lost, my time that was stolen. Life doesn't work that way. I feel defeated and awful, he's not a bad man, he's just made really bad choices. I look at him and feel nothing, the love is gone, all that's left is a complacent demure. How can I stay in a loveless marriage? How many more years will I have to roll over and play dead.
My daughter wants breakfast and Dunkin Donuts is across the street. I have a large coffee and feel better. Afterwards more errands.
Now at home and the crockpot's smell fills the house. I make white rice to accompany the chicken. I think I want to drink again tonight. Before when the Ed first started and was in full swing, I would self medicate the anxiety and any chest pains that lingered throughout the day with alcohol of any kind. Now it feels much the same. I think I'll binge and purge and later drink the rest of the night away. I'll keep my Yahoo Messenger open in case I'm needed for a chat, a drunken typo filled chat, but I'm there when it counts.
This is Friday so far, feeling no aches or pains, a little hungover still, but happy.
Hope you all are enjoying the day too.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Two Mia's today

                                                                                     Mood:Tired








My Homage to Mia Farrow

Hi.
Mia Farrow is a favorite of mines, I just adore her. I'm doing a sort of ThinSpro tribute to her. She was so thin at this time in her life and famous, eccentric and beautiful.
I Love, love, love her hair, my sister teases me that I look like her now, so these pics are for my sister too who lives so far away from me and who I miss.
I'm not feeling well today. I think either my sugar is really low or I'm dangerously dehydrated. It has me worried and scared. I'm in bed now, I can't walk around much with feeling dizzy. My body is tingly all over.
I've just had a breakdown in the bathroom and made my husband cry, he is on his knees now praying for me.
I'm too miserable.
I'm tired of waiting, everything is in someone Else's hands.
I'm suppose to move to a bigger place, can't I'm on a (wait for it..) Waiting List.
Treadmill ready, nope still waiting.
Insurance, sure I have it I've been told, can't do anything because, waiting for card in the mail.
A job, no I apply everywhere! waiting for a callback if any.
There are other things, but you get the jest of it..
How am I not triggered?
Of course all I can do is just lose weight, that's the only thing I have an actual grasp on in this life of mines.
I think if I keep going this way I'm living, this may be my last year here.
"Just eat something, you're probably dehydrated, drink Gatorade." Husband suggests.
I'm tired of feeling sad all the time, what is the matter with me? This is not living!
Eat, no I can't eat everything blows you up. I'll just get fat all over again, then what you'll cheat on me again, I'll lose everything again and be homeless again and get taken advantage of and fucked and what then?
My husband hugs me as if that makes anything better. You have no idea what its like to walk around and feel nothing.. To constantly think about just ending it all. I can't live like this anymore, I just want something to change already.
Dam how much more patient does a bitch gotta be?
He cries, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he's at the end of his own rope. I don't know. I don't want to be a burden or hurt any one's feelings honest, if I could be like Plain Jane I would. Instead I'm this huge mess of emotions and guts. I don't deserve anything better than Euthanasia.
The worst, absolute worst fucking part I hate about all of this other than making my husband feel like shit, and my sister too I bet who'll read this now and worry about me is..
I want to binge and purge right now.
I could pass out alone in this house if I do, I have no idea what is going on inside me, maybe its sugar, dehydration, low potassium?
Why is this so hard, why can't I just stay in bed and not eat, just keep drinking fluids and rehydrate.



Instead I am in bed, my chest hurts, my head feels like a bobble head and I'm tingly all over. I'm sipping water, Gatorade, and now just drank exactly 1 cup of milk (low glucose) and all I can think about is how much my weight is going up. I know its liquids, I'll piss it out etc; all I want to do is jump on that scale.
I can't believe this is my life, I have no idea how I got here, Ed's are a coping mechanism? Some way to cope, I'm offing myself quicker than If I'd stayed on drugs or became a full blown alcoholic.
There is a chicken defrosting in the sink, I won't go near it. I guess its McDonald's for dinner. Tomorrow there is no school, so I can rest more, I just wish that I could successfully fast today and that way I could feel somewhat better. If I could just avoid Mia.
I'm alone now, husband just left to get my daughter from school. I let out some of this anguish already and feel better. I'm still a little tingly but I'll keep drinking water and try not to weigh.
I don't want anyone to worry about me, it's just frustrating to be so alone going through this. I have online friends and that's wonderful, I love them dearly, but sometimes I just wish I had an actual person here, a face to relate this Ed too as well. Someone else that is going through the same thing, maybe even recovered? I don't want to fight this alone but I am.
Hubby called to tell me he's downstairs with my daughter, great he forgot the McDonald's, it her reward day too for getting Green all week. Now I have to heat up a pizza or something because the chicken is frozen solid!
I feel triggered now.
Hate this time of the day, I'm glad I got some of this out though, sorry if the things I say are too much, I have so much going on inside me I have to say what I feel at the time exactly, just like with the pictures, I need to capture the moment, I tend to forget so much. My brain is just too short circuited to get it all. I feel like that movie Memento, always writing things down and taking pictures to remember the seamlessly long day. I wanna be here, I do. I also want to get better. I'm trying to turn this around as best as I can. I'm trying, trying trying, always trying..

I'll try my hardest not to b/p but the way I'm feeling..
Hope I can do this today.