Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Here I am on a Thursday night with a massive headache that's lasted two straight days with no relief in sight.
I feel like crying, the pain is non stop.
I've taken Potassium, Magnesium supplements, Pain killers, I've eaten soup, drank shakes even but nothing is helping.
My boyfriend stopped by Tuesday to spend some time with me.
Seeing him after being so distant last week thanks to our fight was different.
I sometimes forget couples bicker, I forget what it's like to be in a relationship.
In any case, all was forgiven, and it's all water under the bridge.
Having him here is always nice, I laugh and smile a lot, even with kids running around in the background, I'm at my happiest when he's around.
My good friend's Dietician told her some news that was quite encouraging for me to hear.
She is on the verge of IP all over again, she can either stick to a meal plan or do shakes for her caloric intake instead.
The Dietician actually reassured her that for someone who suffers with Bulimia drinking liquids all the time such as Meal Replacement shakes is actually quite beneficial to reintroducing one's body back to Digesting.
I think that's brilliant.
Whilst I have trouble still with actual solid foods, anything liquid which is safe sometimes can help me.
I'm not a lost cause after all.
I'd love to keep Blogging but my head hurts too much.
I'll leave you all with one more thing before I go..
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
"An eating disorder is not usually a phase, and it is not necessarily indicative of madness. It is quite maddening, granted, not only for the loved ones of the eating disordered person, but also for the person herself. It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of 'sick'. It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. These contradictions begin to split a person in two. Body and mind fall apart from each other, and it is in this fissure that an eating disorder may flourish, in the silence that surrounds this confusion that an eating disorder may fester and thrive."
I suffer from a Mental Illness, a tortuous form of slow suicide. I cannot explain why I'm hardwired to do this, to continually hurt myself but I do.
I don't need to be made fun of or ridiculed when I can't fight off my Ed on certain days. I've been battling this alone all my life and will continue to do so because in the end I am my own support system.
I am not in a "self destruct trip' as my boyfriend put it today when I honestly admitted to bp this afternoon,
if I were a more cowardly person I would just lie all the time and admit to nothing. For someone who is supposedly in love with me and supportive, to say such a petty thing makes me angry and sad.
Angry because I'm not ready for a relationship with another person, and sad for the same reason, sad because as long as I have an Eating Disorder I am unlovable.
I am aware of my failures I don't need anyone in the Peanut gallery to point them out to me.
The thing about Ed's is that they are isolating, I can see why. Letting someone witness your plight is pointless, they will never understand and no one should be a testament to another's suffering.
While today I have faltered, it doesn't always mean I will, but when I do it is of my own accord.
When I get better, it will be for the same reason.
Monday, July 16, 2012
First and foremost I want to wish a very Happy Birthday to a good friend of mines..
Birthday's are hard especially with Eating Disorders because you don't really want to deal with all the party food that accompanies the celebration.
It's bad enough you've just aged overnight, but now you have to gain weight too by eating sugary confections.
Today I took the dreaded Drug test to determine how polluted I am.
I woke up this morning and drank bottle after bottle of water and managed to pee a few hours later.
I'm dehydrated from all the laxatives me thinks,
in any event I managed to make a tinkle finally.
I had to wait a whole ten minutes wondering what the outcome would be.
Did I need a plan B if things went horribly awry?
Will I actually get this much needed job? What happens if I don't?
So here it is, ten minutes later and the test says Negative. I think this test is accurate, I'm hoping that because I'm at a low weight and I'm constantly popping Diuretics and Laxatives that I've somehow managed to flush whatever THC I had in my system out for good.
I want to be hopeful, deep down inside I'm not. I've had the rug pulled out from under me more than once so now I watch my step.
I won't know more until tomorrow when the Manager from CVS calls for further instructions.
If I had a spare 20$ I'd buy another home testing kit and take again in a few days just to be extra sure.
Oh well onward through the fog.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
It's Thursday and already the day has started all wrong.
I Bp yesterday, I had what I thought was 'safe foods' only to be mistaken.
Nothing feels safe.
I couldn't keep anything down and even took laxatives afterwards.
I had a horrible workout, the laxatives made my head hurt, the nausea started up too, my body rejecting anything I swallow pills, food or otherwise.
After my workout went to shower, but before then weighed and scrutinized my body for what felt like hours. I didn't like anything, my weight, my appearance, me.
I felt like shattering the mirror and cutting words into myself with the shards.
"Fat, Ugly, Worthless, Stupid, Loser.."
No, not good at all.
I tried to stay awake but the weakness of my body depleting itself of further electrolytes and sugars makes my eyes close on me and soon unconscious follows for a few hours.
The laxatives are kicking in slowly and I want to Bp more.
I stay in bed in hopes to avoid food altogether, avoid life.
I can't obviously.
My kid is home and has an extra attitude today, this is a pattern I'm noticing every time she comes back from her Dad's. My ex isn't making anything easier on his end.
He keeps feeding my kid pizza and McDonald's every week. My daughter's Eczema is really bad, her skin is a blotchy cracked bleeding mess. I'm at my wits end trying to heal her but to no avail. I've tried everything, I hate being unable to fix anything, to help her.
My frustration is through the roof.
I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions.
Ed says it's time to lose weight, time to meet my GW head on.
Ed says the only time I have any real focus and results is when I lose weight. He reminds me that lately my life has been going further away from anything I had envisioned, I've been losing more than winning.
With each sour turn my life takes I've seemed to lose sight of something.
Ed reminds me that I've come a long way, I've lost a lot of weight, why stop now, why backtrack?
Shouldn't I be able to do what I want, what's stopping me, where did all my determination go, this fire I had in me once where I set myself to do something and did it. I overcame milestones and was proud in doing so.
Ed says look at you now, are you happier eating and gaining weight in addition to your boring meaningless little life, why not change something.
Safe Foods aren't so safe anymore.
I'm running out of options, I don't know what I can eat that doesn't send me into a downward spiral afterwards. Sometimes not eating for days feels safer compared to the alternative of Bp.
What's the lesser of two evils here?
I feel awful for days every time I eat, my bowels are shot, I get depressed about my weight always going up but never going back down.
What I think makes me happy really doesn't. I don't know what I want anymore.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure every time I try to eat and pretend everything is okay when it's not.
I worry about my kid's weight, worry about her getting fat and being miserable. I worry about her ending up just like me.
Maybe when people call me a bad Mom there's truth to it, I think they see my true colors, see a person who is too sick to be responsible for another's well being when she has so little regard for her own. Maybe my kid is better off with my ex raising her, at least she'll never worry about seeing him Depressed, emaciated or immobile.
He works, eats, functions in society.
Those things matter.
What to do now.
Do I listen to Ed who's always been there for me and put forth all my efforts to reach my GW, maybe salvage the year before it ends.
Or do I continue to try to eat, to fail as well. To keep gaining weight, to keep being miserable days after when it all hits me and I realize what exactly am I doing as my clothes fit tighter and my stomach fills out.
I don't know.
What I do know is what's the right and wrong thing to do here. I should want to get better and hope that things turn around, I do want that, but it's hard to ignore Ed and all the things he says to me.
I've already Bp once today, I'm in a somber mood, unable to stop thinking about behaviors, tips, and tricks. Things I can start doing immediately.
I won't do anything today, I will stay in bed. I'm on Season 3 of the X-Files, but that can wait, today is the premiere of Big Brother at 9pm on CBS.
A distraction from Ed for a few hours at least.
I'll try to workout if I feel better and maybe go to bed early.
I wish Ed would just shut up, and sometimes I just wanna listen, I want to be free.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
Fourth of July usually isn't a celebrated affair for me, hasn't been one since my parents were alive and all my siblings and I lived under the same roof, but this year was different.
My boyfriend invited me over to his place for the Holiday.
His family was having a BBQ and the pool was warm and inviting.
The day was nice, the kids had a great time in the pool and so did we.
Every time I'm around my boyfriend I feel as though nothing can go wrong, I feel safe with him, I trust him.
It was time to eat and I was unaware that his family actually sits around a dinner table to do that.
I was shown a seat around a crowded table of food.
My sweet boyfriend kept asking me about what I would consider safe to eat, I told him chicken, but I wasn't actually expecting or hoping that anyone would go out their way for me, I didn't want to be rude or be a bother.
I sit at the table and I quietly panic.
His lovely Mother bless her heart actually grilled me a whole chicken breast just for me. The gesture was grand but I felt bad, I hate how this Ed makes me feel.
God how must have I come off as? the only person eating or having something made that wasn't on the menu. Inside I felt embarrassed, I was thinking of just having whatever everyone else was having.
My boyfriend sits next to me, and next thing I know a huge grilled chicken breast is set in front of me.
The rest of the things on the menu were BBQ foods, baked beans, coleslaw both of which I actually don't care for. There was talk of potatoes but they weren't ready yet.
I cringed, now I really look like the oddball with hardly anything on my plate.
I was thinking of just eating the Chicken breast with a boiled potato.
His mother offers me a homemade shake consisting of fresh fruit, mangoes and something else I can't recall. It was yummy, I sipped on it slowly after ingesting a whole cup of soda.
I cut my chicken up into small pieces which is also embarrassing, here come the colorful rituals.
My body is trembling inside, I keep telling myself its just protein and I could use that. I was planning on pacing myself so I could eat it all.
The rest of the family were finishing up their meal, my boyfriend is loading his plate and keeps checking up on me to make sure I'm okay, he even tells me its okay if I don't wanna eat it all.
We're alone at the table and I'm still chewing little bites of chicken wondering when the potato will come along, I need a side order.
It finally arrives and I realize it plain, salt and peppered are added and I'm good to go.
Time to get this eating on the road.
I take a deep breath and continue onward whilst chatting with my love and trying to appear like a normal person that enjoys food.
Eating in front of others is odd, but I've been making the effort to at least try.
I was actually doing okay but next thing I know when all other family exit the kitchen, my boyfriend snatches the remaining chicken off my plate, he says its okay, I don't need to finish that, I guess my charade wasn't convincing enough. I'm left with the potato, I start to mash it into a pulp, I take minuscule bites trying to keep that down as well but it's also taken off my plate and I'm relived of eating duties for the day.
I feel bad and wonder when I'll ever be able to eat like a person again, enjoy something, anything without feeling guilty, fat, or sick afterwards.
I take three anxiety pills immediately.
My boyfriend eats his food plus mines, I actually ask him where he puts it all?
I couldn't ever imagine eating so much without purging it afterwards.
He laughs and tells me I haven't been around a lot of people that eat.
You know something he's actually right.
We head to a park and watch a lovely fireworks display, I realize that this is one of many holidays to come that I'm spending with someone I love.
I'm not panicking or feel the awful side effects of keeping food down because the day's been great and I feel safe.
I never thought I'd be here again, in another relationship, letting someone else in, trusting that everything is okay, that the Hurt won't touch me.
It feels good to not over think so much, to just trust my heart instead of the negative voices.
So that was my Holiday. A beautiful day committed to memory.