Thursday, March 31, 2011



I'm real tired today.
I'm in bed now with the world's worst migraine.
I've taken plethora of pills and nothing is helping me.
I'm slowly sipping water and ate a banana for sugar. I'm sleepy but the sleep never comes, I close my eyes and the endless chatter begins, so many voices, so many worries and problems all coming at me. I sleep for minutes at a time and dream awful things about death and things wanting to harm me.
All I've had today is the fruit and the coffee. I may do a shake before I attempt to workout. I feel so drained of all energy.
Not eating takes alot out of you.
I'm at 109.8 today; I don't know if that will last or not?
April will be here soon and then I can really get this weight off.
My daughter will be home from school soon and then I have no idea where I will find the energy to care for her. I wish I could just have quiet, why is there so many voices in my head today, sounds like an auditorium of people, everyone talking over one another. Images in my head of things that have happened, an instant replay that is stuck on a loop.
I think the depression is trying to come back as my eyes water for no reason.
Tomorrow we will talk more, I have to drag myself out of bed and pretend for my daughter now.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Take it easy

This morning at 5:45am the day began.
Time to get moving.
I get the routine going and my weight still hasn't budged despite hardly eating at all yesterday. I think it's because I'm getting lazy.
I've decided to boot camp again next month, see if I can dedicate April to losing more weight, five pounds more if I can, ten if I'm lucky, the complete twenty if I'm crazy.
I've called my case manager already and the insurance matter has gotten sorted, apparently someone in some cubicle some where's forgot to type in approved on their computer. The bad news, it will take 45 days to go through. At least I still can see my therapist in the meantime, the only bad news is no other doctor can. No Dentist, Optometrist or Gp.
I have to wait.
I'm used to waiting, that's the story of my life.
It's been a slow and sleepy day for me, I'm drinking water today to ease the headache, I haven't had any coffee yet.
I miss coffee.
I've been to the Post office already and I must say the service is terrible, as are the employees.

15 minutes later....

My daughter's school is selling yearbooks and so one has been ordered, 18 bucks for memories geesh!
I'm going to scour Craig's List later for an Ipod, my workouts have been slacking and I can't have that. My husband is gone off with my daughter for the day and I'm alone, I feel like taking a nap but cannot, my daughter's godmother phoned and is coming at 3:30 for a visit..
It's 3:30 now.
I'm all done with dinner, tonight there is Chicken Fricassee and white rice, dessert Blueberry and Banana muffins. I don't want any of it, I shudder thinking about purging rice, ugh how painful and I can never be sure it's all out. The same with the chicken.
I'm not even hungry really, I am very thirsty today though.

I'm dying to sleep, I may just nap now, I wish my friend would hurry up and come so I can sleep some before I workout. I'm so tired.
I think I'm done for now my lovelies, all I've had today is water. I don't know what I want to eat later, I may have a boring salad. I think a potato too, if not I'll just have the shake, at least it's filling and 280 calories I can burn off easy.
I made an update vid last night after that horrible Panic Attack subsided, posted it on my channel.
Stay strong all, can't wait for April to start!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Shrinks and Such

A strange noise keeps buzzing in my ear, I try to figure out what it is?
I toss in bed and realize it's the alarm clock, the time says 6am.
No Ed this morning?
I can't believe I wasn't forced awake this morning, I feel tired and want to continue sleeping. I've just fallen asleep two hours ago.
I get out of bed and begin the routine.
My weight is the same, 110lbs.
At least its not a gain I guess, maybe I shouldn't complain too much.
In the shower the sadness starts and I begin to feel sorry for myself, I begin to cry. I hate when the melancholy comes on like this, I'm unprepared for it and it usually will stay with me all day long.
My arms look thin today and I start to wonder about muscle atrophy, when is it starting, has it already?
My daughter is up and its time to get moving. My husband is asleep in bed and it makes me mad. He's off today and stayed up late last night, sometimes that doesn't help when I'm trying to sleep. I hate that I live in such a small place, there is no other room to flee to.
I wish he would drop my daughter off at school so I can keep sleeping, but he never does things unless asked, will I ever find someone who will make the first move?
Why must I always be the bulldozer?
I have to take her, and I swear if I didn't look forward to seeing my crush every morning than I don't know what would push me.
A beautiful man in the mornings is always a good thing.
Today I see my shrink and I'm already anxious and snappy after I come back home from school. I start to clean the house and more crunches.
I decide to have coffee and oatmeal. The oatmeal is plain and gummy. I can only take two spoonfuls before I decide it's bland taste is more suited for the trashcan.
I'm tired of eating the same mundane things. I have no idea what I want to eat, or even if I want to anymore.
I'm starting to feel lazy, where is Ed today, I miss my Ed. It's too quiet and I don't like it.
I need motivation, I need someone to push me, I can't stop now things are just getting interesting..
After cleaning up the house, time has gone by and I begin to get ready for my visit, I hate that I have to wake my husband up, he knows what time I have to be there, why isn't he up yet?
I feel like I may be late, I hate to be late for things and have people wait on me. In the car now and my husband has a cup of coffee and his daily devotional, he had time to make a cup of Joe and grab his book.
I drive because he doesn't, I'm starting to feel anxious now, my chest hurts. My mind is racing and I hate it. I don't want to have a panic attack.
"Pass by the Gas station, you're running low.." my husband suggests.
Grr I tell him there is no time for that, is he purposely trying to make me miss my appointment?
I drive very quickly to the office and the stinging in my chest is getting worse. I'm too nervous.
The lot at the Behavioral Center is full, the only spaces available are spots on the street with meters, four dollars to park and more every half hour after that, no thanks!
I head inside while my husband sorts out the dilemma, no time to lose, I have five minutes to spare.

I head to the reception area and sign in,
a seat and a silent prayer that I don't pass out in front of all these strangers.
I think maybe I need to calm down and drink something, my husband is not here, he never came inside.
I call him after ten minutes of waiting and he answers the phone very nonchalant. He's parked across the street in the car reading his daily devotional. I ask him if he can buy me a Gatorade from the Publix Supermarket that's in the strip mall across the street, he reluctantly agrees.
In the beige hard chair I wait and wait..
The stinging comes and goes and I wonder to myself what would really happen if I were to just pass out, how bad can a panic attack really be, can you die from this?
My impatient nervous behavior is overlooked by everyone, there are people here of all sorts, all ages, races and sizes. I overhear their conversations.
Some are here for the first time, others as regulars, the main and consistent theme is waiting. This is usually an all day thing, the shrinks are never on time. Mines as a matter of fact is in lunch.
Good thing my husband is off today, I couldn't be here otherwise, who would get my daughter from school?
I start to read Wasted as I'm waiting and panicking. The book is soothing, I get into character and imagine Marya's tone narrating the story. I love to read, this is relaxing. I wish I could be a writer, have an actual book in hand, touch many with my words. I think of sweet Capri in this moment and the book Madness she suggested, if I had some money I would get it, but I don't. I don't think my local library even carries it. To be broke is an awful thing, I don't want for much, but the little things that I do are readily available to me. Sometimes I wish I had a benefactor. I wish I was Cinderella, will I ever have a handsome Prince to win my heart and save me from myself one day.
I hope someone will love me again, god how I miss it, I miss human contact, I miss love. I don't think any man will touch me again, especially if I get down to 90lbs, I will look so emaciated, I may scare even my own reflection away. Why do I want to look that way, why does looking skinny matter at all. I hope I will find happiness once I get there, because getting there is not making me happy at all.
My husband briefly enters the lobby and hands me my drink, he leaves as I mumble thank you. I think he is bothered, he doesn't understand me, he doesn't understand maybe how I got this way, or maybe it's because I'm trying to get better..
I feel sorry for him, he doesn't want to be alone, but I feel that way already. Why can't we all just get what we want without any pain, without any collateral damage?
After my husband leaves I'm called and its time. I barely get two sips of Orange low calorie Gatorade in.
My therapist is lovely and she nods her head alot. I tell her my trauma and I cry for the most part. She is in shock of it all.
She is so understanding and my silly worries over what to say are non existent. I'm free..
My burden is less and the cross I bear is set down.
Happy tears for once, she understands and is going to help me.
My beautiful readers, I'm happy and hopeful. I think I may just be okay.
So many secrets and transgresses against me and my therapist says the magic words that make me cry more..
"It's not your fault.."
I feel like I have a friend, someone who will help me up from my long fall. I feel blessed to be here in this moment now in my life, this feels like it was worth the wait even.
After my long session, I get to come back again.
My next session is April 5, and we are going to discuss only positive things that happen to me from now until then. I pray that I will have loads to tell her by then.
My visit is over and now it's time to get my daughter from school and head back home..



Today is a fresh start.
I'm up and ready, off to school.
My daughter has her trusty red hat to distinguish her kindergarten class from the bunch of others and she's excited.
I've gone carefully through all the rules with her over breakfast, her fruit loops slowly sinking into the milk.
She knows what to do in case she gets lost, she knows to stay with her teacher, and not stray from the class.
She has a ten dollar bill in her pocket to buy souvenirs or food if she likes. My daughter is excited to head to the fair.
I weigh before coffee is drank and supps taken.
Ladies and Gentlemen..110lbs again.
Now I can breathe.
From here on its work, work to come down and stay there.

 My daughter is dropped off at school, which was chaotic today,
 a sea of different colored hats everywhere and buses blocking the streets this morning, I parked far away. The school is like a hive, everyone buzzing. How exciting to go away for the day, to do the daily routine differently. The students and faculty are everywhere.
My crush looks extra tired today, someone had fun this weekend. He tries to sort through the madness, somehow he always manages to make eye contact with me, I won't lie and say that this doesn't make me happy. A small window everyday where I feel pretty and special, even if for a second.
I head back to my car and pull out into the long traffic ahead.
I have a very important errand to run, Shoes for my brother.
I drove in good spirits to a strip mall that I frequent, there I would hunt down a perfect pair for him. New Shoes for a new start.
This week will be different for us all.
After combing the strip for a complete hour I finally found a store that had too many goodies.
I avoid the book section entirely, I could spend hours there and potentially blow all my money, the written word is my addiction.
I find what I need and then some..
A blue chair, comfy, cozy and helps so I don't sit on my spine anymore, love it!

My brother's shoes, now he can walk proudly into a job interview. I really hope he likes them, they were bought with love. I hope I can somehow transfer all the good intentions and positivity into them for him.

Finally a kitty cookie jar, why?
Because it looked so sad sitting on the shelf alone, it needed a home and so I bought it for three whole dollars.
It may never hold tempting cookies, but clutter will suffice I think.
When I return home, I have more coffee and get to cleaning up.
My phone rings and its none other than my new Therapist.
She is calling to confirm an appointment. My heart drops as I talk to her and my hands get clammy. Why do I feel so nervous suddenly?
I feel small.
I will see her tomorrow at noon prompt.
I'm nervous now, I don't know what to say to her anymore, I've rehearsed all the topics and problems in my head numerous times, and now that the time has come, I have no idea what to say.
Am I sick enough to deserve therapy?
How silly does that sound.
I'm scared of rejection, I'm fearful of abandonment, and most of all, I fear the unknown.
After chatting with my good friend for a bit, I get dinner started.
Spaghetti and Meatballs today, fast and simple. The thought of regurgitating pasta gives me the chills, I have no desire to eat this.
I decide to do more crunches and work up a sweat before another shower.
My husband is out of bed and getting ready for work, I nap for an hour and dream about rambling to a flower that nods it's colorful buds side to side, to and fro..
My daughter is picked up from school and is talking up a storm.
When asked what did she buy with the money that was given, she smiled wide, she bought food.
Sweets and soda, forbidden sometime snacks. She went all out, I had to laugh.
I've seen my brother after he got home from work, we talked for awhile and he loved the shoes. I'm happy, there is no feeling other than weight loss that makes me happier, to do something selfless for someone else.
"Eat something woman, you look like a stick!" my brother eyes me up and down.
As he says this to me I feel the total opposite and wish my stomach were flatter.
In the midst of our conversation I am having the worst cravings for something to eat. I wish I had rice or meat or anything. As I head home with my daughter, I'm grateful to now truly be broke. I have no way to even start a binge, no money, no food.
I can't eat just anything, I need the right thing I want, and so nothing is done there, and Mia is silenced for another day.
Yesterday I mentioned that I got a tiny piece of my dignity back, a small victory for me.
Remember my little naughty web cam escapades, well I've stopped them entirely. I've spoke to this friend of mines and told him how I feel. I don't want blurred lines anymore, he should do me a favor and just be my friend. He has a girlfriend, a woman who he loves, so love her and leave me alone.
She knows he and I talk, but I don't think he was ever truly honest with her about me. In any event I suspect she's a little bit curious about me.
I've drawn the line in the sand now, he can't see me or use me anymore.
The purging of people begins.
During our chat, there was one thing I didn't like that he mentioned, something she said about me, something along the lines of what is it with this girl, is she obsessed with you or something?
Hmm, I believe that's the other way around, Mrs. Piggy.
Your boyfriend can't keep his hand off his dick when I'm on screen..
So I honestly believe the two of them had a good chuckle at my expense. I'm sure he led on in that comments direction.
Today I decided to take a picture, I posted it on my Facebook.
New week, new me.
We'll see who gets obsessed now..

It's about time I put this wreck of a body to use.
I may not be much, but I'm thinner than most. So look at what you will never have, and as for her. No competition, I'd rather be dead than fat.
I'm 110, she's 160 if not pushing more.
I win!

So my lovelies its been a slow day, I worked out the coffee, that's all I've had today. I have a huge headache and I'm dizzy still. I try to walk slowly and not make any sudden moves. Tomorrow will be the real challenge, the Therapist.
We'll see how that plays out.
I'm hungry but I want to be skinnier more.
Last night I was trying to upload this video, for some reason or another Youtube was being a royal pain, so now I've finally uploaded it. It took almost all of today!

Hope you all are good, I'm off to bed now. Have to prepare myself for the shrink. I can't wait for tomorrow, I want coffee and crunches for breakfast..
Nite all.

Saturday, March 26, 2011



More vids can be seen here on my Youtube channel..
Please subscribe!!
See you all again tomorrow, have a great Friday, any topics you'd love for me to address please comment and let me know okay.
Stay strong all, have a goodnite!

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I have a headache, I'm tired and sleepy.
Ed is relentless, he keeps pushing me. I've just worked out and am drinking a hot cup of coffee.
The extra thick, super sugary creamer alone has now added up to 140 calories. I need to find the energy to burn that off too in a bit.
It never ends!
I don't know how anyone doesn't go insane counting all the calories. I get exhausted just logging on to LIVESTRONG and keeping track in addition to a tiny food journal I have. My memory is shot and I try to remember it all.
I did a shake today and a banana. This coffee would be my second of the day. I'm down a pound and that makes me sort of happy, except that I feel fat. I hate the way I look. I feel ugly today.
I've managed to drop my daughter off at school this morning, got a glimpse at my crush who wore a red shirt today, he shaved that stupid beard off his face. He shot a look at me and even took a second glance, things like that make me aware of the gain. I look different.
Most people like it compared to the supposed "thinner" frame I had before. I wish my stomach were flatter, then maybe I wouldn't care. That's not true I think. The number on the scale matters to me. I need it to say 100 at least. It doesn't of course..
Losing this weight is hard. Eating is hard.
This new shake is good, doesn't have any Turkey in it.
I eat fruit also and drink water. Sometimes I'll have some crackers or yogurt. I have to count everything. I try to stay at 500 or under if I can pull it off. I drink coffee galore. The heat it emanates is nice. I really want to eat soup but I'm scared of the sodium and that I'll retain. Ugh this is hard.
I have to workout so much and try to burn it off. I have no energy. I'm more tired now than if I've been purging.
Haven't b/p today either, you think I would be jumping for joy but I'm not, there is no time to celebrate now, too much work to do still.
I've been a bit sentimental today and I hate the reason behind it.
I must confess I have been secretive and naughty..
There is a man in my life whom I've been making time for (who doesn't deserve it btw) and although he's back with his ex girlfriend, the same girlfriend who dumped him, he and I still chat. While she was out of the picture for some months, he and I became incredibly close, so close in fact that we almost slept together. We didn't of course because she came back in the picture and he pulled a disappearing act on me for almost two weeks..
Now he's back and I've been talking to him more, sometimes we even Cam just like the old days (clothes don't stay on for long on a webcam?) he's even called me twice now for actual voice contact.
He still "cares" for me, or so he says. I don't want a relationship with this person, I think I just like all the attention he gives me.
In any event, I haven't heard from him all this week?
He watches my Vlogs and doesn't like it when I give into Ed and Mia. When I stop talking about recovery and such. I think maybe he saw Sunday's vid and took it to heart when I said I wanted to be alone. I don't know?
I hate that this bothers me, he's obviously and dick, makes me feel like I'm not interesting unless my clothes are off.
I hate that I'm back here again, that I'm reducing my self esteem and self worth again-for a man.
I half wish that he would go away for real this time, maybe this week could drag out forever, this-him is Triggering.
I wish I were stronger. That I could say Fuck off Asshole,go back to your Fat Girlfriend you picked over me and let me be.
I can't even fathom saying those words.
Ed has been helpful at least.
He's making me stay away from him. Thank God for Ed, I know he's hard on me but it's what I deserve, a kick in my now big butt!
So today has been okay despite my exhaustion, my Case Manager paid me a visit.
They gave me a new one (grr a man-typical; sea of dicks I tell ya!)
and he's going to help me with whatever I need. I see my therapist in less than a week.
I'm looking forward to it.
My daughter got her class picture today and my husband called me from Big Lots to tell me he bought a nice frame for it and even a new blender for me since he sees I'm doing the shakes again.
Wish he buy me an Ipod Touch since my old one never worked again despite you lovelies suggestions for the rice.
I need music when I work out waaaaaaa!
God I'm starving, I'd love a banana right now but that would mean another hundred calories to burn off.
This sucks, I tip my hat off to you girls who can restrict, you are Goddesses!
My brother was suppose to stop by for a visit, hope its not too late I may head early to bed tonight, want to avoid a possible binge. I'm craving so bad, would give my left boob for a thin crust Pizza right now, I would even eat a Little Cesar's pizza and I hate that place.
Thank goodness I'm broke so that's out the window.
I hope you all are doing well, good luck to us all.
Wish we would just all wake up 10lbs lighter tomorrow, but unless we're on a space shuttle in zero gravity, I don't see that happening.
Oh I joined PrettyThin today.
Anyone on there wanna friend me?
I'm  ladikaat69, that's also my yahoo IM and email lovelies in case you need a buddy, have to leave me a message though so I know who's who cus I get so many requets from Porn Bots it's ridiculous!

Stay strong beauties and Vlog tomorrow!

Weight A Minute!

Had to post this, sooo funny.
Sometimes we just need a laugh. I did good today 263 calories consumed, 300 burned off. I'm down a pound too.
Ed is pleased.
Hope it lasts..
I'm a little bit sad still, but that's in relation to something else, just feeling lonely, the type of lonely that only the opposite sex can fulfill. Just wondering how much longer will it be just me?
Did my Tarot today, good news all around, time is needed, have to be extra patient. I have loads of time and the patience of a Venus Fly Trap.
Good night all and good luck to us.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


At around 7pm and the water is finally hot.
The maintenance men have completed their workload and have installed a new water heater. All the tenants clap as they gather their tools and load the truck leaving for the day. I watch from my window as they go. I cut my faucet on full blast hoping that knob with the capital H will finally put a smile on my face. The water is cold at first and then Luke warm, I get a little bit impatient, finally the scolding water comes out and I've never been so happy to receive first degree burns in my entire life.
I've been working out all day long. My weight has not gone up, but it hasn't gone down either.
I believe I've figured out how to maintain.
I consumed a whopping 800 calories yesterday, the majority of it is a new shake I'm trying out. It's 280 calories per serving, loaded with Protein and Amino Acids.

The rest of the dreaded calories consisted of fruits.
I managed to avoid b/p completely, I struggled all day with wether or not I should, but in the end not only was I dead beat, I had no time to do it period.
I lost hours of sleep again last night, I spent the majority of the night in worry and trips to the bathroom, pissing out all the leftover liquid from the day.
This morning I awake with a huge headache, sore, sleepy and tired. The clock says 5:45am..
What wakes me up is the voice loud and clear, a familiar voice that I haven't heard in a long time. It tells me to drag my large ass out of bed and go weigh.
My weight is the same, only moving down a tiny bit.
I am disappointed and feel like crying, I don't know how to lose this weight anymore?
As the tears stream down my face now, the voice starts again, this time shouting at me-STOP YOUR SNIVELING, STOP BEING SO WEAK!
I wipe the tears from my face and start to workout. I try not to look at myself in the mirror.
My exercises are forced, I feel new aches in the familiar routine.
-YOU FEEL THAT? THAT MEANS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT FOR A CHANGE IDIOT! the voice barks at me and I nod my head in agreement.
In the shower now and I can't help but look down at my jiggly stomach and the sobbing starts again, how did I let this happen?
I comply and the mass is pinched, my thighs too. Suddenly I feel like Jello, a giant flesh colored one.
The voice is a man, it's Ed and he is mad. He is always mad at me. He is stern like a drill Seargent and tells it like it is.
Mia is cowering in the background, all she can do is tempt me with the Binging and Purging, get me to gain.
Ed is vicious and hurtful; He pushes my body, he isolates me from everything.
Men have always been the ones to bring me down and ruin me in some way, why does this happen?
It's because I never see it coming, I somehow have become Chum in the water, attracting Predators. I float in the bashing sea of life and am picked off.
I've managed to always be there for men and give my all, be the friend, the lover, the mother. I get nothing in return except cheap vain validation, and then more of the same.
Here I am pulling a disappearing act and no one could care less, looks like I'm not worth stopping or faking concern over even.
Ed is right, I am weak.
I'm allowed coffee today and no fruit. I'm told that I must do exercises, tons..
Apparently exercise is the key, my body has gained and so Ed tells me that it will come off slowly, that I must try to distribute the weight evenly instead of losing it so fast. This will help with the lose saggy skin, my problem areas.
Ed tells me that isolation is the key too, looks like I'm easily distracted..

I need sleep, that's another requirement, I'm told do nothing, sometimes staying still is action enough.
My stomach hurts, the acid is too much and I want to purge the coffee already.
I can't, if I start that then it will never stop. Mia doesn't make you lose any weight at all, all I get for my trouble is bloating, hair loss and rotten teeth.
The insults are justified, I've screwed up. The one thing I could do so well is out of reach for me lately, I was at 102lbs! how did I ruin it?
Look at me now.
I'm pathetic.
Bootcamp day 3. I will learn to restrict again, I will learn how to lose this weight again.
I didn't take my daughter to school today, my husband even woke up early and did so before I even asked.
My husband has been pretty quiet these days, I guess he sees the change in me, the storm that's brewing.
I wasn't kidding when I said I needed ME time..
I hate that I have to isolate myself, I don't like ignoring anyone, but I need this weight off. I have no one else around me going through this.
 I feel so alone. Feeling alone and actually being so are two different animals entirely. To feel alone means you are going through struggle and conflict without empathy, to be alone actually validates the feeling of emptiness. I am surrounded by people, they may not understand my plight, but being disordered is my problem. I'm the oddball who has issues with food and trauma. Eating Disorders are taboo and laughed at at times, it's been taken as less even though its one of the most deadliest of illnesses, capable of taking lives.
Help is hard to obtain and so is recovery, it's hard to want that when it suddenly becomes all you know.
I can't begin to think about getting better anymore, not now. I don't deserve to. Look at how fat I've allowed myself to get.
Being pushed to the finish line is what I deserve, it's what I'll accomplish.
Something has to give.
With Ed by my side now, I may just be able to do this.

Time to stretch and get going, according to Ed I have to keep moving..

This weight will come off alright, even if it's done kicking and screaming. What else would you do, if this is what you really want the most, wouldn't you do everything in your power to obtain it. You're all that stands in your way. Go for your goals, who do you expect to do it for you?
♫Take that leap of faith, no one else can jump for you..

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Now I know my ABC's..


The ABCs of Weight Loss

A is for Alcohol
You booze, you lose: A daily serving of hooch may be better for keeping off weight than abstaining. Alcohol may increase leptin, a hormone that curbs your appetite for sweets. To get the perks with minimal calories, order a glass of sauvignon blanc (119 calories per 5 ounces).

B is for Buddies
Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine compared solo dieters to teams of dieters. After 10 months, the latter were likelier to have maintained their loss (66 percent versus 24 percent).

C is for Cortisol
Your adrenal glands secrete this stress hormone to help you handle threats, but too much can be bad news. Last year, researchers at the University of Leeds in the U.K. linked high levels of cortisol to increased snacking on junk food. Spend the cash you'd pay for a big dinner on a stress-reducing massage.

D is for Density
A yearlong study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found women eating water-rich foods low in calories but high in nutrients (like veggies) as part of a low-fat diet lost more weight than those who only cut back on fat. They were less hungry than the low-fat-only bunch, too, most likely because they ate 25 percent more food by weight. Go for grub with an energy density (calories per serving ÷ weight in grams of serving) of 2 or less. Or snag ideas from Barbara Rolls' The Volumetrics Eating Plan, which lists the energy densities of dozens of foods.

E is for Estimation
Developing an eye for appropriate serving sizes can make or break your diet. Commit these serving-size visuals to memory:
3 oz lean meat = a standard deck of 52 cards
1/2 cup of fruit, vegetables, or grains = half a baseball
1.5 oz cheese = 3 dominoes

F is for Fructose
A study published last year in the journal Hepatology found that feeding fructose-laced water to rats increased their risk of obesity. Ditch the artificially sweetened juices and sodas and get your fructose from fruit--a form that researchers say could be kinder to your waistline.

G is for Grapefruit
Kick off every meal with half a ruby red or 8 ounces of grapefruit juice--you could speed up your weight loss. Subjects of a 2006 study in the Journal of Medicinal Food who ate half a grapefruit before each meal lost more weight after 12 weeks than those who didn't (3.5 pounds versus less than a pound).

H is for Hydration
Studies have shown that drinking water can slightly increase your caloric burn rate. The researchers behind one such study at Franz-Volhard Clinical Research Center in Berlin estimate that sipping six extra 8-ounce glasses a day can burn 17,400 more calories (about 5 pounds of fat) per year.

I is for Insulin
The amount of this sugar-regulating hormone you secrete may dictate the diet you should follow. A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that high insulin secretors dropped about 13 pounds on a low-carb diet but only about 3 on a low-fat/higher-carb diet. Look in the mirror: If you store fat in your belly (have an "apple" body shape), you're more likely to secrete excess insulin and benefit from fewer carbs.

J is for Journal
If you write down everything you eat, research has shown, you can cut your intake by 500 to 1,000 calories a day. And you'll keep the weight off: Food journaling is one of the successful behaviors used by people in the National Weight Control Registry, a list of dieters who have maintained a loss of 30 pounds or more for at least one year.

K is for Ketosis
The point at which your body runs low on carbs and starts burning fat stores for fuel, ketosis can jump-start a diet or bust a plateau. Studies show that dieters who restrict carbs typically lose more weight during the first 3 to 6 months, but after about a year their results are comparable to those who go low-fat. So after dropping those initial pounds, it's okay to have whole-grain pasta and bread again--in moderation.

L is for Leptin
Fat cells secrete this hormone to tell your brain you're full. But researchers have found that fasts and extremely calorie-restrictive diets can lower leptin levels, prompting you to eat more. To keep this hormone in balance, strive for a slow, steady weight loss--no more than 1 to 2 pounds per week.

M is for Milk
You might get better results from your workout if you imbibe moo juice. A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that downing 2 cups of skim milk after intense weight-lifting workouts built more muscle and burned twice as much fat as drinking carbohydrate beverages (such as a sports drink). But go with real cow's milk--in the study, drinks made from soy had no effect.

N is for Numbers
Nobody enjoys weigh-ins, but research shows that people who hop on the scale once a day are more likely to lose and to maintain their loss. Make a standing appointment for yourself--just don't obsess over the number you see.

O is for Omelet
Eggs are an ideal protein source, says Jonny Bowden, Ph.D., C.N.S., author of The 150 Healthiest Foods on Earth. Protein helps build muscle, which will fry more calories per pound than fat. Bonus: You'll burn about 25 percent of the eggs' calories just by digesting them (protein metabolism uses more energy than that of fat and carbs). A two-egg omelet takes you a quarter of the way to your protein RDA.

P is for Peanuts
Subjects in a study at Purdue University received about 500 calories' worth of peanuts a day to eat at their discretion. After 8 weeks, they had gained an average of about 2 pounds--much less than the 8 pounds researchers had predicted. Probable cause: The high-protein and high-fiber nuts filled them up. And after 19 weeks, they also had boosted their resting metabolic rates by 11 percent, possibly due to the fatty acids in the nuts. Take the edge off your appetite by snacking on a handful (a quarter-cup) per day.

Q is for Quinoa
Quinoa (keen-wa) has more hunger-taming protein and fiber and less carbs than most other whole grains. Swap it for white rice and other refined grains.

R is for Replacements
Researchers at the University of Kansas found that dieters who drank liquid meal replacements lost just as much weight over 52 weeks as those who used the weight-loss drug Orlistat with regular meals. Who needs pills?

S is for Stress
Scientists at Georgetown University fed two groups of mice a diet of high-fat, high-sugar feed and measured how much weight they gained. Stressed mice (you don't want to know how they pushed them over the edge) gained more than twice as much weight as the group with the same diet but no stress. The reason? Researchers believe that stress causes the release of a molecule that helps increase the size and number of fat cells. The next time you're feeling the strain, do yoga (see Y) instead of dessert.

T is for Tea
The fat-busting benefits of green tea boil down to disease-fighting compounds called catechins. One study of 240 Japanese men and women found that when subjects drank green tea containing 583 milligrams of catechins per 12-ounce cup, they dropped more weight--and inches--than those who ingested tea containing only 96 milligrams. Max your results by steeping your bag of green tea as long as possible. The darker the hue of your brew (and the more bitter it is), the more catechin-rich the cup.

U is for User-Friendly
A recent study in the Journal of the American Medical Association assigned 160 overweight and obese volunteers to one of four popular diets for 6 months. They found that the strongest predictor of weight loss wasn't the type of diet but compliance with the selected plan. The takeaway: Find a plan you can live with so you'll stick to it.

V is for Vinegar
A study published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association found that swallowing 60 grams (about 4 tablespoons) of an apple cider vinegar mixture with a high-glycemic-index meal caused test subjects to eat 200 to 275 fewer calories over the rest of the day. If you can't stomach the stuff straight, try mixing it into a low-fat dressing.

W is for Weights
If you've put off pumping iron, get to it. According to experts, you burn calories faster after a strength-training session than you would after a cardio session. And researchers at the University of Alabama at Birmingham found that lifting weights three times a week for 25 weeks caused women to lose an average of 4 pounds of body fat.

X is for Xenical
This prescription fat blocker made news last year when the FDA green­lighted its over-the-counter version, Alli. But both drugs come with an unfortunate side effect: loose stools. We say pass on the gas and slim down the old-fashioned way.

Y is for Yoga
A study at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that normal-weight women who practiced yoga for four or more years gained three pounds less over 10 years than those who didn't. Grab a mat and get going.

Z is for Z's
When you skimp on sleep, your brain thinks you're low on fuel and sends a message to your stomach to start growling. A study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology found that among 68,183 women, those who slept for 5 hours or less were an average of 5 pounds heavier than women who snoozed for 7 hours. Want to stay slim? Go to bed.

Boot Camp

12:15 am and it is officially Monday.
My husband walks through the door and I am nervous, he is honest when it comes to my looks and would tell me for certain that I have gained a ton and I look "plumply."
Instead his sudden smile is profound. He is incredibly pleased to see me.
"You look so good, yeah stay like this. You look normal, not dried up and weak anymore." he laughs and stares at me in amazement.
God I'm fat, the gain is incredibly noticeable!
I wish I could bury my head in the ground like and ostrich.
He and I start talking about my trip after he showers. There is no hot water in the house, his shower was just as fast, he didn't bother heating up any water.
I need this weight off and can't wait to get it going.
The gain is most noticeable in my thighs and butt. The majority has gone there. My thighs and the gap that I so desperately worked hard to get is almost gone. My butt thank god is not wider, so no hips; but it actually sticks out now. I wouldn't mind keeping the thing except the minute I start losing, that would be the first thing to go. It wouldn't last and I have no idea how to keep it anyways?
My face looks fuller, my cheeks plumper. This I hate the most.
Its Monday morning now and 6am, first day back to school. I've started boiling water for the tub, my poor daughter has a pretty bad Eczema flare up, this no hot water business is not helping. I start to do exercises. I am in bliss!
I've missed working out.
Coffee is made and time to start the morning routine. My husband actually wakes up too, I'm surprised.
At school now and I'm nervous to get out of the car, I feel so fat, and I'm sure its all in my head but I feel as though people will look at me and see that I've gained weight, maybe even judge. I especially don't want my crush to see I've gained. The first day back to school is hectic and crowds are everywhere, I walk past parents very quickly with my head down and drag my daughter along. The stress related rash on my neck is coming along nicely, red and itchy-hate it.
I manage to sneak past my crush who's growing out his beard again. He wears a blue shirt today, and he looks great. I kiss my daughter goodbye and quickly dash back to my little yellow beetle.
I've been gone for a week and haven't heard from my shrink, I have no idea if I've missed a phone call from her office, I can't rely on my husband for an accurate answer, he sleeps way too much. I decide to go in person and check in.
The visit was pretty quick and thank goodness my shrink will see me in another week. My case number is given to me and I'm officially a patient there. All is well. This makes me happy, I feel like help is on the way soon enough.
I want to dedicate all of my time to bringing the weight back down, I don't want to get sidetracked. That can easily happen with certain people in my life. I need to re prioritize my values also. I've been falling back into a secretive pattern and I don't like it. I'm always there for others but no one is ever there for me. I'm always left holding the bag.
This week though I want to stop all of that, I want to ignore everyone. I don't want to be seen, I'm embarrassed about my appearance. Boot Camp it is, I have to be hard on myself, push my body. I deserve it. I will never be happy unless all of this gain is off. I can't take the day off at all this week. This is my new mission.
Monday and I've managed to consume 600 calories throughout the day, I have to work it out, burn the calories off and do so the entire day. Repetitious regimes that last almost all night.
Haven't b/p at all and the bloating has gone down by morning.
No hot water on this lovely Tuesday morning. I've called all sorts of agencies on my Landlord.
A letter is posted on all the tenants doors, an "apology" for all the trouble as if that makes it any better.
My weight is the same, no gain at least. I've taken Fiber and supplements. I've slept in today. I woke up at 6am as usual for exercise. I've had trouble sleeping last night and am really tired as I rigorously do the same routine. I don't feel like dealing with the outside world today. My husband is off and I ask him to take our daughter to school.
Its noon and I've made a protein shake and eaten fruit.
300 calories consumed and I'm not looking forward to working out. I'm tired but it has to be done. I feel like b/p to try to bring the weight down. I haven't yet and am still unsure. It may change things, then again it may not, could make me gain.
Mia is a tricky one, you can never fully trust her.
I haven't been very pleasant today, pretty quiet for the most part. I feel heavy and lazy. I think its the food I've eaten and the added weight. I no longer feel light and thin. I hate my reflection in the mirror, wish I could be someone else.

I'm trying the food journal again, this time I'm also using LIVESTRONG. I need all the help I can get.
I have no idea how long its going to take me to get this weight off, but its my sole mission. I feel bad that I have to isolate myself, but for some reason I feel as though a big change is about to happen. That being said I'm going to throw my tarot tonight. I want to know what's upcoming.
There's nothing more to say really, I'm not in the best of moods and that won't be changing anytime soon.
I hope this hot water mess gets resolved soon, that's also contributing to my foul demeanor. Can't catch a break I guess.
I have no idea how to restrict again?
It's been ages since I've been here, how much is too much, how little is the same?
What is it going to take to see results?
Can I trust it this time.
Should I even attempt it?
Maybe I should again. Maybe I will. I just hate being alone doing it, but in the end we all are alone, there is no dual victory for any of us. The number we carry is our own, we cannot share the loss, not even the gain.

I'm off for more exercise and then I have a cold shower to not look forward to.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Aww Shucks..


I'm very honored to accept this award from the very beautiful Cora.
Thank you!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.


1. Capable of doing many things competently.

2. Having varied uses or serving many functions.
3. Variable or inconstant; changeable.
4. Biology Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached another of a flower.

Okay here we go..

Seven Things about me!

1. I ran away from school on My first Day of Kindergarten..
The first house I ever lived in was right across the street from the School. It was my first day and I didn't want to be there. I wanted to stay home with my parents. I was introduced to my classroom and teacher. I cried and cried even harder at the mere sight of my parents leaving out the classroom door.
At lunch time on the way to the cafeteria, I made my escape and ran all the way home, mean time I'm being chased by security and staff.
I crossed the street and was home. My mother who was inebriated at the time, allowed me to stay home. And so that is the tale of my very first day at school.

2. The very first house I grew up in caught on fire..
I was five, and remember certain details.
I was on the couch with my sister and it was 5:28 pm.
Lavern and Shirley was on and we loved it.
My father was in his workshop cutting away. The fire started in my uncle's room. It was massive and we just had time to run out. The front gate to the street was locked with a Master Lock, my sister shoved me through the gate's gap while she jumped the fence.
All of our animals died in the fire. We all huddled at the neighbor's house for the night.

3. When I was pregnant, I had the oddest cravings.
The majority of what I ate was this:
Cream Cheese and Chives on Water crackers. (some things never change lol)
Grilled Chicken sandwiches with Bacon
Spaghetti and Yellow cake (Together!)
And of course, Wendy's french fires.
It had to be from Wendy's, I would order the biggest size they had and pour them into a Ziploc bag, drown them in ketchup and shake the bag. Yum!

4. I got expelled from Catholic School once..
I hated that school, we had actual Nuns as teachers. I got accepted to a magnet School and my mother had other plans for me, so I ended up in a Catholic School and hated it!
I became an Atheist. One day I had a book report I had to type up, afterwards I was so mad that day I wrote a letter,
It started off with "Dear Creator" it was a spoof on God and Religions. I bashed all things religious,
and so this one letter became many, a weekly news letter as such and it was distributed through the school. I always left it anonymous. One day one of the Nuns got a hold of the letter and that was it, I was found out and booted out.

5. I once had a threeway with my very best friend at the time and her husband.
She and I were best friends and would go clubbing every weekend, of course the inevitable drunk girl on girl action would occur.
One day she approached me with an offer, apparently her husband had a thing for me and she wanted to be with me officially (sober).
And so it happened, and it was hot.
Later it became awkward because they no longer were interested in sleeping with me as a trio, they both wanted affairs with me separately and without one another knowing. Well I ended up having the affair with her for almost a year. Her husband was never the wiser.

6. My very first car was an hooptie, a 1988 Chevy Sprint. It was silver and I got it for $400.00.
It had a piece of broom handle holding the gear to the alternator, I was suppose to repair that, but the darn trick worked so well I never bothered to change it. It had red shag seat covers, the fur would stick to your clothes.
 I learned to drive in this car.
One of my fondest memories involves this car.
A Sunday afternoon headed to the Flea Market, my mother (sober) sprawled out in the tiny backseat, laying down and cracking jokes, in a happy mood. She liked joyriding in my tiny car.

7. The very first time I got drunk was with my husband.
I was fourteen at the time and I snuck out of my house to run off with him to a bar.
I drank red house wine and Heineken's. I was so drunk!
We lived near the bar and were planning to walk home, but given that I couldn't walk without tripping over my own feet. A cab was called, the meter said $12.75, I remember freaking out because I thought that was the actual time. I was brought home and locked out. My husband had to wake my niece up to unlock the door so I could sneak back into the house, I remember giving my niece a lecture about not drinking. I had the worst hangover the next day. I pretended I was sick from food poisoning.

Now I have to bestow this award on 10 fellow bloggers..

1. Vienne Peridot (Glue and Pieces)
2. Dyphe   (Blogging on the way to Thinness)
3. Mags     (Non merci.)
4. Mrs. Donae    (Donae's Wonderland)
5. Danae  (Dessert is Stressed Spelt Backwards)
6. Lucie Love Heart (Bipolar Bear and Me)
7. Dani  (Bones are Pure)
8. Almost Skinny.  (Almost Skinny Vegan)
9. Unbeautiful (Thoughts of a Monster)
10. Small       (Multa Docet Fames)

There you are my friends, I'll be swinging round later to say hello...
Night all, back to vacation.

A Okay!

My vacation is going good so far.
I've been enjoying myself.
Yesterday I took two Exlax Laxatives, these are the only lax available in my sister's house.
I am bloated, all of the calories I've consumed are affecting me. I have no Ginger here and digesting food have come to a standstill. Absolutely no bowel movements whatsoever. Now I remember why I don't take pill laxatives..
They have no effect on my body!
Other than the bloating, I've been okay.
This morning my sister and I exercised. We walked 12 miles on a track at the park.

Dead Frog; guess the track was too much for him..

I have tons of acid today, not b/p is painful.
My sister is cooking my favorite rice and I believe b/p are also on the menu.
I've told her of my intentions and she is okay with it.
I feel okay b/p today, if something were to happen at least she would be on notice.
I don't think my sugar would drop, but who knows?
We've been out today shopping and the day is warming up. Afterwards, we headed to Walmart and I bought more things to binge on.
I haven't weighed today and I'm not going to either, I don't want to panic. I can't believe the stupid lax did not work!
I'm getting acclimated to the new haircut, had to cut my hair, it was falling out by the handful. Its shorter than I expected. Oh well, such are the trials and tribulations of Bulimia..
I've spoken to my husband today, he's doing okay, a bit lonesome.
He's been staying up late looking at YouTube and having drinks before bed. My cats are climbing walls and acting out in my absence.
I've decided to leave Sunday instead of Saturday, prolonging the fun.
It's nice up here and cheap to live, wish I could move closer to my sister.

I've b/p too many times, now I'm ending the night with drinks and plenty of smokes.
Tomorrow who knows, more exercise for sure, maybe the pool?
Goodnight everyone I'm off to the garage for more cigs.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Lax Malfunction

As  you can see eating these days has taken it's toll..
I am bloated and have no Ginger to help me with digestion. Going to have to Lax tomorrow and hope all goes well. I took two Exlax last night and NOTHING!
More Bloat!
Lol more posts, stay tuned!

Let's have a Quickie

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Yesterday I woke up tired and didn't want to workout, but I did at 6am.
I always manage to find some kind of energy.
In the shower now and I'm crying, I don't know why I feel so sad?
The fit lasts for five whole minutes.
Tuesday's high and great mood after the Shrinks office has left me today. The melancholy is back and I can't stop it.
I'm suppose to go to the Optometrist today, I need my eyes checked. I've been squinting a lot lately and my eyes sometimes hurt. Whether this is all Ed related, I have no idea.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was, the honeymoon is over with Mia, now comes the breaking up bit, where I'm trying to end it and everything gets ugly and messy.
My daughter's first day back at school was fine, she was asked by her friends why she missed so many days, but that was the extent of it, she does have a lot of work to catch up on I'm afraid. She's learning about weight this week in Math, kilograms, grams, pounds..
I don't think I ever learned that when I went to school, my how times are changing.
My husband is dead asleep as usual, I don't know why sometimes the mere sight of him makes me so mad? He's not doing anything wrong but sleeping after a long day at work, why do I feel this way?
I've dropped my daughter off at school and I'm tired. The yawning never ceases, I'm not sleeping well these days, too many nightmares and fears of dying in my sleep.
Back home now and I lay back down in the bed. I am craving really bad. My weight is at 109 again and I hate it. I should be grateful that it isn't more, but I'm not. I'm never satisfied, I have that voice inside me that wants to lose it all again. I should be careful with my weight now, very soon I will be under a microscope. Can't get too skinny too quickly, bad for business.
My nap makes me feel better for about five seconds, now I remember why I don't sleep as much, gives me a massive headache. How can people be so still for such long amounts of time? I go shower and afterwards lay back in the bed just for a minute, my knee is really hurting today, it hurts to walk now, hmm that's new.
I closed my eyes for a second, when I opened them again it was past noon and I missed my appointment. The rest of the day went downhill from there. I don't even remember most of it. I can recall my husband telling a story about something that happened at work and I'm tuning him out. I pity him and that's wrong of me. I'm not a good person, the way I feel towards him is awful. I want him to be okay, for us all really. I am going to end up breaking his heart, this makes me sad. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I have no idea how this marriage will end, it won't be pretty.
"I know you're not well, that's why I stay, I won't turn my back on you." he casually says to me.
This was the trigger that started it all, the pity, the sadness, the feeling that I'm scum.
I b/p 3x. The last purge was the one that got me, my sugar dropped and I was on my ass in bed. I was dressed in my workout gear ready to go, but my body had other plans. A buddy of mines happen to pop on my Messenger and calmed me down. I was glad to speak to him, he's become understanding lately instead of scolding me like before. I think the Vlog and Blog help others understand some. An insight into my disordered world, a keyhole into the next room.

Today my alarm goes off and the three hours of sleep I got are up.
Time to make the donuts...
I am real dizzy today, my morning workout is dragging and I have to stop, I shower and all I can manage to do is wash my hair. I lay back in bed and feel no better. I ask my husband to drop my daughter off this morning.
I drink water thinking its dehydration but I'm afraid its not. I don't feel any better, my head aches and I feel congested slightly. The dizziness is too much, I'm bedridden today. My friend seems to think its Vertigo, I have no idea, could very well be. Dehydration has never done this to me before, so I'm convinced other forces are at work here.
My eyes close on me, I've slept most of the day. I've only had water and a banana, Gatorade too. My vision is so cloudy even.
Looks like Mia is punishing me good for trying to leave her. She gives and she takes away.
I've suffered burns and bruises thanks to her this week.

She is so dominating in my life that now I am trying to hide her again. I'm keeping her safe from the therapist. She is my security blanket and no one can take her away. She makes things better and worse, she's killing me. How can I keep up the lie, the thing will eat at me, I don't like secrets.
I'm trying to hold on a little bit longer, maybe the meds can quiet her. I don't want to b/p tomorrow, I just hope I feel better. Next week is my trip and there is much to do before then, tomorrow I am on the hunt for luggage. I also want to send some care packages out. Leave everything done up nice in a big red bow for my husband. Hope my kitties don't get too sad without me.
I don't feel excited about the trip yet, once I start packing, then maybe it will all sink in. I'll be taking this show on the road, Mia in full view, everyone knows. I hope I can fast or just restrict, wouldn't want to b/p on vacation. I'll still blog even if its late and plenty of videos (sis got me a Flip Camera for my Bday!) in between. Some will be posted on the blog, the others on my YouTube channel. Don't wanna spam eveyone's dashboard.
I'm really tired today, has anyone ever had days like this?

I'm off to bed now lovelies, I can't keep these peepers open anymore..

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Get the ball Rolling..

Last night around 2am, a nightmare got me out of bed.
I dreamt with three of my siblings, I awoke scared, and sweaty. I didn't want to go back to sleep. My thoughts flashed back to both my father and mother who passed away only after all of my brothers and sister were in the hospital room, we all got to see them pass. I thought if I fell back asleep I would die, seeing 3 out of 5 family members made me weary.
I stayed awake doing crunches and going online.
Time is strange now, things are strange. The months are flying by too fast. I have no idea what to expect for me. I think change is coming.
My birthday on Friday came and went. I ended up caving around midnight on Saturday, a healthy binge apparently, plenty of Yogurt and Salad. Sunday, I was so mad at myself I b/p until I was exhausted and sleepy.
 Monday I was fine, I was able to stay away from the awful b/p cycle. I was out all day long with my husband and daughter. We stayed out shopping and I got goodies to mail out to my very lovely Fellow Blogger/Vloggers. I won't say names because I want to surprise them hehehe..
I'm loving this mailing business, reminds me of my younger years when I used to have Pen Pals. I like the idea of actual people somewhere far away actually caring enough to take time out of their day to do something for someone else. I like connections.
This morning school is back in session for my daughter, her short lived mini vacation is up. I'm pretty tired this morning, the bags under my eyes dominate my face today. How I manage to function is beyond me, I b/p and over exercise, eat nothing and don't sleep. Why can I take I so much abuse? Why can I endure more than most? Am I the epitome of the word survivor?
My daughter groggily wakes up. The morning is cool at 68 degrees and I'm dressed in all black to keep warm. All the b/p has made me feel cold again. My weight is back down at 109 this am. Looks like Mia is trying to woo me back with promises of 1lb a day loss. I hate being tempted, I know it's a trap.
I'm nervous now as I pull up into the school, I park a little far away and walk with my daughter. I start to remind her that she must behave in school, we go over the rules again. I hope all goes well for her today, she has to play catch up, missed loads at school.
As I walk up to the entrance with her, my paranoia kicks in and I feel eyes on us. I'm sure her absence has been accompanied by gossip. There are many moms here who love to stand around and talk long after the kids are well inside the classroom.
My crush even stares at us. He looks good today, shaved those stupid looking sideburns and beard, got a haircut too. He's wearing blue today, blue is a good color on him. I hate that I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him.
I kiss my daughter goodbye and head back to the car.
Today I have to go Shrink shopping, go to clinics that I've researched and have been referred to and ask questions. Maybe I'll get lucky, maybe I won't.
I get home and my husband is still asleep, its triggering of course.
I'm not his mother, he should wake up on his own accord. He knows what it is I have to do today. I'm incredibly nervous and my body trembles today. It's not sugar, it's pure nerves. I'm scared, scared of rejection, scared of being turned away.
I get the coffee going and straighten up the house a little before waking up my giant Man Child/Estranged, Triggering, Enabling Husband.
"Why didn't you wake me up sooner?" he mumbles from under the covers.
It is sooner I tell him. I'm not in the arguing mood today, have bigger fish to fry.
The first stop is a clinic that I was referred to by a woman I met at Workforce, she told me this place is the best and will help me quickly. I'm so nervous, my chest starts to hurt. I'm suppressing the panic attack. I have two bananas and a bottle of water in my purse. Plenty of gum and Orange Tic Tacs too,  everything safe for me to eat in case my imagination runs away with me and I attribute every ache and sore with the ED.
The clinic is near my home and was incredibly easy to find, ample parking and a friendly guard who seemed all too eager to help.

I enter the crowded cold lobby and I am greeted by a huge security Guard.
"Someone will be with you in a moment." he says while eyeing me up and down.
He stands firmly by the door, I have no idea what to make of him. He is a tall, muscular man.
Six feet of trouble if you don't follow the rules I bet. I look around my surroundings while waiting behind a plastic partition. Posters for Suicide and plenty of rainbow colored pamphlets, Substance abuse and Suicide seem to be the theme here, I start to wonder if I'm in the right place.
The woman behind the clear wall is seated in a black simple chair with wheels, she is on the phone and notices me. She raises her hand and motions with her finger that she will be right with me. There are a few other people seated in the waiting area, my husband has a seat and looks around summing up the place. The receptionist is ready but I was not. She has a dead eye, I almost didn't realise she was looking directly at me!
I try my best to focus on the good eye, yikes I was not prepared for this.
My insurance information is taken and I'm asked what brings me here today..
I'm in the wrong building. This office is a crisis center, if you're suicidal or a danger to others, this is the holding pen. I can see now, doors that are locked and small windows with metal netting. Looks like somewhere I wouldn't want to be.
Regardless of my confusion, the staff go ahead and start my case. The woman was right, they do move quickly.
I'm shown to the office I'm supposed to be at, next door, the lazy eyed receptionist opens doors through a hall with keys, other doors are buzzed and this suddenly feels like a tour of a mental hospital, I pass by doors that say cafeteria, and quiet room. Rules and murals adorn the walls. Hmm Crisis indeed.
In the proper building now and I'm given stacks of papers to fill out on a clipboard. My husband sits quietly next to me and reads his Daily Devotional that was brought along in case of a long wait. He stays quiet throughout the day I might add.
The forms are thorough, Medical history, Symptom Checkers, Family History too. I've never been so glad to see so many worries on paper. I check off everything that bothers me. I am called by name rather quickly after I return the clipboard to the front desk. I'm to head to registration, colorful chairs and ten minutes more await me..

A rather large man named David calls me into his office. He is handsome despite being about 30lbs overweight.
I love his accent, he sounds just like Javier Bardem.  More paperwork to fill out and I'm asked for a picture Id. Uh oh here we go...
He takes my Driver's License and makes a copy, he does a double take of course.
"Is this you?" he asks smiling wide at me. I turn red with embarrassment. My picture is awful I was 180 lbs on that picture; too many chins and a round face, the horror!
I nod my head, I can't speak.
"I need the recipe to your diet." he says and smiles some more. If he lost some weight he would be quite the looker.
After he makes that remark, I picture in my head this man bent over a toilet bowl, purging. If he knew my secret would he do it too?
How desperate can one be to attempt something like this. How sad can you be.
I'm sure lap band would be better and the more sane way to go. He wouldn't want to trade places with me, no one should.
I'm told after all the signatures are done, I'm to head upstairs and meet my new case worker. I'm in awe of how quickly this is going, should I be worried?
Upstairs is what he says and I think we are headed high, instead we are in an elevator just up to the second floor, I laugh quietly to myself after we get off  our stop, the stairs; why not just take the stairs?
More sitting now and behind another locked door, the keys to my kingdom..

My case worker is a young Brunette, my guess 36ish, she is beautiful and has an average build. She smells like over priced perfume. Her simple wardrobe and black flats lead me to believe that she is humble. I think she genuinely likes what she does for a living, one of those I care about you kinda people.
I'm asked about why I'm here and she starts to diagnose me.
I'm either bipolar or have a borderline disorder, not too mention severely depressed and agoraphobic. My social phobia and anxiety bother her. She wants to talk to her supervisor, a face to face as she calls it.
Now we head down the green carpeted corridor, all the plants here are plastic, how odd.
Her supervisor is a tall man, a shaved, bald shiny head and the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He speaks softly and very reassuring to me. He sounds like John Malkovich.
I further explain again what I'm feeling and he and my case worker exchange psychologist lingo.
The supervisor tells me that I will get medication for the depression and anxiety, in addition to a psych evaluation for the possible bi polar/ borderline disorder. My case worker will assist me in any financial matters that I need.
Everything I hear is music to my ears.
I'm saved!
In two weeks I come back and meet my new therapist and the healing begins.
I hope the Eating Disorder can stay hidden, I would hate for them to out me and just focus on that.
The ride home is pleasant, my daughter is picked up and my water and fruit are consumed. My husband wants to celebrate by heading to a buffet. I decline and he is mad. I explain that I prefer to stay home. He leaves with my daughter and is clearly upset. I'm triggered now and tempted.
I b/p 3x today. I'm tired  and my weight is now at 108.6, I don't think that will last. I'm drinking lots of liquids now and I'm sure to retain.
I still feel like b/p some more. I'm headed to bed  and hope to stay put. No late binging please.
Overall a good day, I'm now in the system, I'm well on my way to some kind of change. I hope this is for the better.
Tomorrow a new start and no more b/p.
Time to start minding my manners, don't want to draw attention to my Ed. I have to keep that hidden for as long as I can.
Back in the closet you go skeleton, quiet now.

HELP I'M POOR!! Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...