Today was another mistake.
Had breakfast, I can't even tell you how many calories. I don't even want to think about that. Could not purge at the restaurant, the bathroom was out of order. Twenty minutes elapsed and that was it, nothing more I could do. You have no idea how mad I am at myself for not having the willpower to stop in the first place.
I have to pack up everything for my three day hotel stay, I haven't even started yet. I have to do everything on my own, no help from anyone. I hate that, wish I could be stronger and just mouth off and get my point across but it never happens that way anymore. I just endure.
Bought two lax, took one and drank tea in addition to the eight cups of MC.
Made my drink for tomorrow already and managed to squeeze in a workout. This weekend I will be unable to workout, not the jogging anyways, you better believe crunches galore I'll at least get done. The place where I'm staying has no Internet, ugh at least plenty of books and DVDs.
Well more triggers, husband super annoying today, won't let up on me and my attitude. I try to explain over and over again to him, that I am not well, I need to see a therapist, he doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he genuinely doesn't care?
I need to be properly diagnosed and medicated. How can you yell at someone who's sick? I don't want to be this way, I'd love nothing more than to be like all the other sheep out there, I don't mean to be the black one and stick out.
It makes me feel worse, these are things that are out of my control.
I've heard today that maybe he's in Denial.
Maybe he is, he should make an effort to find out about me at least. I did after all confess to him that I have an eating disorder, he should at least ask me everyday how I'm doing with it? But he doesn't.
I don't know how relationships last with Ed, but I think they don't. I felt depressed again and hopeless. The spiral downward continues.
Its hard to be alone in this. No one going through it here in person to help, no other face to put this disorder on. I look in the mirror and its just lil ol' me staring back. Guess that's how its going to have to be. I think after I'll reach my goal, I may not stop. The way things are going sometimes I just feel I don't want to care anymore about myself at all. Who knows, that could be a long ways away, and I don't think ahead.
I felt low and sad. I needed Mia.
First chance I got, there she was waiting in the wings.
I had an epiphany suddenly. I was chasing a feeling.
When I would give myself freely to Mia, there was a feeling that she gave back.
During binging there is a calm, an understanding, something in me that is at peace. The purge is a release, a great empty feeling. I've expelled whatever ails me at the moment in addition to the food. Its this very thing I realized today that I am missing. There is a component that has been taken from me at some point in my life. At times in that brief moment of caving do I get that back.
So I gave in the minute I had an hour or so to myself. I felt better immediately.
Its a vicious circle, and I am a party to it.
I hear more and more stories of girls thinking this is a diet and that its a quick weight loss, its not. There are no such things as quick fixes. There is no such thing as quick weight loss. The thing will eat at you, you'll find yourself a slave and it your master.
I look back and see all that I've done to come here now. Even though it was not all the best choices, you know what, I honestly think I would do it again?
You see, I need therapy.
Oh, super lazy, I have to pack, I don't even know what to pack? I hate making desicions. I would love nothing more right now than to have a glass of wine and a cigarette. I'm trying to quit again. Had one earlier and maybe one more before bed and that's it. I promise..
Well night all, have to stop procrastinating!
Have a lot to do. I'll try to pop into a Mcdonalds and use up their free WiFi but can't make any promises. I'll keep a log though of the Master Cleanse I'll still be doing this weekend, so please wish me luck that I lose something other than little pieces of my sanity!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Good Morning to you all..
First Let's discuss Master Cleanse results from yesterday.
Today's weight 134lbs. Another one down, no b/p session at all.
Took a lax last night though.
The new batch I made yesterday was better than the day's before. I was able to get the 8 cups down fairly quickly throughout the day. Had tea and worked out.
Supps and OEP in the morning.
Headache was fairly tolerable, had to drink water as per recommended in the cleansing process to eliminate further toxins from the body.
Yesterday was better. I know what to expect now from this. I think I can safely continue.
Now, triggers galore yesterday! Mia is not happy to be kicked to the curb.
What I wouldn't give to have just caved completely yesterday, but didn't and more importantly couldn't.
Husband was off and around..had zero time to myself, had two shadows, three if you count my daughter, five if you wanna add the cats.
There was an argument in the morning, the same two arguments we always have. The first of course is the matter of the insurance, now he's saying middle of October, possibly end of October? I finally gave up and said, look forget it.
I give up honestly I do. I'm done. I've never been the begging type before, its beneath me, I have too much pride.
I will live with this or die from it, simple as that. I can only make myself happy, and I don't trust anyone else. Everyone I know is a liar in some shape or form.
So this is me declaring Fuck you to myself and let's keep going and see how far I can beat this dead horse to the finish line.
The second argument, my attitude.
I obviously am not a delight to be around lately, I can only fake it for so long. I'm tired and mean. I feel like a failure at times, I'm always hard on myself because that's what it takes to succeed.
So of course the inevitable what's wrong with you, what's with the face conversation always surface.
What's wrong with me? hmm maybe some therapy could help?
Oh I forgot, that's not important to sane people.
That's past now as far as I'm concerned. He can keep his "helpful" nature.
So yea, I wanted to just b/p my ass off yesterday.
Instead was trapped in a room watching benign movies all afternoon, playing up the I'm okay role.
Today's loss isn't even joyful, made the mistake of taking two OEP, I forgot just how strong they are. I was wired to say the least.
Had low blood sugar this morning, bad, bad case of the shakes, the panic attack followed. Orange juice to settle me down.
I don't have the luxury of feeling sick today, tomorrow at 8am I have to be out of my place, they are putting a tent up and fumigating. I have to get all these ducks in a row. I have to stay in a hotel for three days. No Internet or cable.
Oh another thing, have huge zit on my chin..well the toxins are being removed from my body so this is expected. What wasn't expected was that this miracle drink has taken my period away! Thank god!!
I was already dreading another visit to the gyno followed by the ultrasound and prescribed hormones. All that of course with no insurance to boot.
So thank you spicy lemonade, take it away forever if you like, no complaints here. The rest of the day looks to be long and tedious, at least its nice outside today at 77 degrees. Makes the toil under the sun not so dreadful.
Super lazy today, I don't want to a thing and feeling like suddenly there isn't enough time to do anything. I'll be out of commission for three days, maybe Sunday night if I'm lucky I can go ahead and post the rest of MC results. I'm hoping for more loss and no signs of Mia.
Well let me go ahead and get this show on the road, have packing to do and pictures to take, hope none of these fumigators get cute and ransack the place..
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The alarm goes off at 7am and it is black and gloomy outside.
It's raining. My kind of day, cool and soggy.
So this is day 2 of The Master Cleanse.
I wanted to stick with this and see what the results would be even after one day, holding back paid off I am at 135lbs today. I've lost one pound on this liquid drink already. I'm going to be honest, I am not looking forward to drinking it, blech. It doesn't taste good to me, because I'm not a pepper kinda girl, but I will drink it again today and stick with it.
Side effects-constant trips to the bathroom to pee, and a headache that would not seem to let up, also I was dizzy again. I hydrated all I could yesterday, so if its not dehydration that has me in a constant spin, then I'm fucked cause I can't figure it out?
In any event I'm still here standing on both feet, with a few little wobbly scares now and again. I've taken my supplements and my OEP. You're not really supposed to take anything on this cleanse, you're trying to flush out the toxins not add to them. Then again this kinda drink is reserved for people with normal appetites who just want to lose a few pounds and clean there systems out. I, on the other hand am not like other people, I haven't digested a real meal in months, so my tolerance is a bit higher than most. I can take a lot, I already have the mindset and my goals are already set, they're pretty close actually. I want this year to be the year where I finally can shed this old skin of mines for good. I refuse to spend another year of my life in this state. So we are now entering October and I'm guessing before the year is up my goal will have been met and my way of thinking immensely altered.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Okay, So this morning was an eventful one.
Before 9am there were already arguments!
First a huge misunderstanding with my sister and then my husband.
My sister is incredibly concerned for me, I appreciate it I do, but I've been doing my own thing for awhile now, and the Ed just keeps isolating me. I'm not trying to be distant on purpose.
Some people have different ways of showing their concern, some are incredibly quiet and dignified, some are reasonable, and others like to yell at you in the aisle of the Publix Supermarket first thing in the morning.
Either way a lack of communication between us was at fault. We've seemed to settle our differences, which is always nice. I don't like to argue. I'm a peaceful soul.
Now the fight with the ol' ball and chain..
He's been pretty reserved about his feelings concerning my Ed. Sometimes I don't know if he really understands or not? I don't bring it up and neither does he.
I've flat out told him I am no longer eating, no one can make me. He thinks this is a slow suicide, that I should just eat a small meal and workout to burn it off. I said no, not even that. I just don't want to eat.
The look on his face-priceless (insert MasterCard Logo here!).
I guess we'll see what other colorful reactions he'll have, I heard through the grapevine today that he's not taking this serious and thinks this is just a phase I'm going through? Well my dear, never say you weren't warned.
So I am currently at 136..yesterday's incident plateaued me. Grr I could have been at 135 firm this morning. Then again I could've gained a pound and that would be worse. So lesson learned I suppose.
Now today I am going to try something different. Since my recent dizzy spells and now stomach pains (especially the second one) I've decided to try and throw Mia off my back. Purging today could get serious seeing as I have no idea why my stomach hurts.
So instead of fasting, which I can do for a day at best, I've decided to do the infamous "The Master Cleanse."
So this is day one for me. As you know I haven't been exactly best friends with liquids lately, I have a nutty notion that they will make me gain. So today I was going to just hydrate the whole day with Power Ade Zero and water. I need to get the dizzy spells under control.
I'm doing the cleanse instead.
I feel hopeful, in addition to the weight loss, it would be a break from Mia. A time where my body can relax and maybe my mind can stop stirring. I want to do this. If I'm not eating anyways, the least I can do is give this a shot, fluid is fluid.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Feel like a failure today.
The dizziness is getting to be too much, its hard to tell what is causing it. I think its the Ed and the anxiety both feeding off each other simultaneously.
I'm at 136 today but that isn't going to stay the same by the end of the day.
Ran errands with hubby today and had to eat to fight the faitigue.
At the bank I managed to purge fast, couldn't get it all out. I'm not getting on that scale tody, I can't bear to see the number.
Came home, bought a lax for later and made tea to get things moving along. Plan to workout till my muscles ache. Haven't b/p anymore today. I feel like it though, I really feel like just not giving a fuck today about myself.
Feel misreable and tired.
Depressed and have nothing to combat it, no one to confide in. All alone in the trenches as usual. I wish I could just feel like everyone else, be like everyone else, boring and indifferent. That's not how my brain works, my wiring is different. I can only handle day to day tasks, I can't think ahead anymore, I feel at times like time forward may not always be with me.
The blackout is coming very soon, hopefully its a fainting spell from dehydration and not a seizure from low levels.
Next month it will be officially eight months since Mia has touched my life, I wonder what the end of the year will have in store for me? Will I even be around to see it?
I don't know how to stop myself, I don't even know if I truly want to.
All I can do is one day at a time, I hope that is understandable.
I can't even fathom sitting down at a table and eating a normal meal again, food has become such a disgust. Food and numbers govern my life.
Everyday I wake up and think I'll go back to normal, back to a version of me that was once familiar, but that is just not happening. There is something that is at the helm steering this ship of mines off course, not into the sunset but into a horrible squall.
I will be shipwrecked soon enough, what's left of me to a watery grave.
My niece was suppose to come over, so I was going to postpone the binge and the workout to accommodate her, but she had to cancel to attend a very important class, I took it as a sign. Oh and had another panic attack!
Had a much needed repressed cry, panic attack susbsided, a proper binge session, then purged. Worked out and I'm firm at 136 again. This morning's bonehead move is now obliterated.
Well guess what, I'm still dizzy and lightheaded. My lax is sitting in the fridge and I'm faced with a new problem
Yesterday and now today..I have a horrible pain in my stomach.
I have no idea what it could be. Maybe a tear? or maybe I've pulled a muscle?
Either way the purging is starting to take its toll on my body. It scares me, I figured if it were serious then I'd vomit up blood, but I don't think that is always the case.
In any event I cannot give into Mia anymore, I will just keep doing more harm than good.
My period is back again, another factor to contribute in my depression. I just took care of this, got on medication to stop the month long bloodfest, now its back again. I can't even begin to imagine dealing with that nonsense again.
I can't catch a break. I fix one thing over here, and something else falls apart over there. I'm so fucking tired of it all.
I need a vacation from myself if that were even possible, I need a nap. A long day into subconcious, another realm where there is no such thing as scales and Ed. I have to pull it together, I have no choice in the matter, I have a daughter that depends on me, I have to try to make this life I've chosen work. I need to function, I'm so scared of dying all the time, I'm not even living. I wish I could just get rid of this anxiety disorder already, its suffocating me. No insurance. My husband is suppose to put me on his insurance at work, he's taking his time with it, I'm trying to be a good christian and have patience and give him the benifit of the doubt, but in the meantime its hard to keep on my feet. I guess he'll have to help me one way or another, either the good way or the bad. I will go down, can't keep this shit up much longer, I'm not that tough, not when there's a war raging in my head. A bunch of voices screaming at me that everything is wrong, that all possibilities are not endless but limited.
The body cannot live without the mind.
I wonder if I'll hit the 135 mark tomorrow or if today's blunder will have plateaued me?
Just what I need another setback. Tired of backtracking. I just want to reach a goal and see where it takes me. Maybe I will finally be happy and can then think about looking at food differently, I will be able to maintain instead of continuing to lose.
If I don't get the proper therapy for my depression and anxiety I will just continue to spiral by self medicating and making one bad choice after another.
I'm currently not in the best state to make desicions..case in point water..I hardly drink any fluids anymore. My warped mind believes even water can cause gain. It can't of course, but that's Ana for you.
This has been a long day. I think I'm done, not doing the lax, I think I'll hold off. It will just further dehydrate me. Besides, the stomach pain has me plenty occupied right now.
So wish me luck and that I can remain on my feet and not blackout, the last thing I need is a seizure!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
So today I awake and the scale says 137lbs.
I'm getting to that half way point sooner than expected, we are still in September..
I take an OEP and try to go back to bed, can't sleep of course so Ipod on and Delfonics "Hey Love" comes on to calm me down.
I got an early workout in on this lazy Sunday. In the shower afterwards as I started to lather my body, I noticed the multitude of new bruises all over my arms and legs, too many to count. If you didn't know me you'd assume I was a battered wife. Its the Ed of course that has me this way, looking like I've been in a scuffle.
At least my nuckles heal fast, no tell tale sign there.
After my shower I weigh of course and stare at my body in the mirror for what seems like hours. If I raise my arms up behind my head and bend slightly I can see ribs-nice!!
My collar bone podtrudes more now, the defenition is coming along nicely, my arms are shrinking and so is my back. I will be able to see the shoulder blades soon enough If I keep this up.
I just want to shrivel up already.
I was good today with the OEP, managed to not eat at all and had tons of energy. I got some errands done and picked up the slack on some things that I've been putting off. I was okay but the dizziness started up again. When that happened I went ahead and caved in to Mia, only once though. I can't quit her cold turkey but if I can reduce the amount of times and keep going on in that progression then I think I will be ok.
My body aches from the workout, I don't know if that's a good thing or bad? Maybe its both.
The dizziness-I hate it!!
It scares me. I feel like I'm about to pass out any day now. When I stand up everything goes dark and I stay still until the feeling passes finally. My body is confused right now. I don't know if its the anxiety, the Ed or both. I just can't take it anymore to be honest, yet I cannot stop myself even if I wanted to?
There's talk of therapy soon, I'm looking forward to it. The therapy is for the anxiety and all of the post traumatic stress I've never dealt with before. I just kinda take things and bottle them away. As for telling a therapist hello I have an Ed is a whole other matter. I'm not ready for that yet. One problem at a time.
I'm taking a lax tonight, maybe I can jump start the metabo or at least push me into the 135 this week. Let's see how the morning comes along.
I want to feel better, these dizzy spells are restricting the things that I want to do. I can't stay put forever.
I'm thinking about quitting the smoking that I foolishly started up again. I was walking up the stairs today and for the first time in the threee years that I've been climbing the same flight of stairs I felt out of breath. Its the cigarettes of course.
I can quit them, that I can do, all the other nonsense in my life that's bad for me seems harder?
I just want a few days where I don't feel like I'm about to pass out. I don't think I'm getting off that easy. I don't eat, and when I do I purge. So basically I'm running on nothing but good intentions and bad habits..
Grr my legs keep falling asleep, doesn't help with coordination.
I need new excuses for not eating, sitting across from others in a restaurant with nothing but a glass of water is getting old..
Looking forward to starting off the week, I want to make some changes and do more of things that I've been putting off.
Cross my fingers and hope I can find the will do do them.
So I had a visitor today.
It was my niece, I haven't seen her in a month. The last time we saw each other was at a my pregnant sister in law's funeral a month ago.
My favorite niece came to pay me a visit tonight and I loved it.
For a few hours I felt like a human being again. Thank you God Almighty you are great.
I got to feel like a person again. I got to feel like a normal human being.
No Ed, Mia or Ana in sight.
There was a little bit of panic but after awhile it subsided.
We got to bond. We just talked, like an aunt and a niece are supposed to.
I told my niece about my eating disorder and her reaction was genuine, not curiosity or jealousy, not fascination or judgement either, just concern and understanding.
We used to be so close once upon a time, but life happens and things get mixed up.
Tonight though was complete honesty and sage advice.
I felt like myself again, a former version of myself that I hadn't known in years.
Dear God who I love and adore, please I need more days like this.
I need to be a person again.
Not just a woman who suffers with afflictions that seem out of her hands.
I had someone understand and hold my hand through my confession.
I am lost.
I am a victim and a prisoner. I need help.
I will get that help soon I hope.
Finally for tonight at least I was free.
I want more days like this, more days where I can be myself, where there are no such things as guilt and words like self punishment. I want to be me again, whoever she may be.
I'm hopeful tonight.
Maybe tomorrow the dizziness and anxiety will touch me again, but not tonight. Tonight I am done with it.
I am so very sorry that a dear friend of mines is suffering with her own turmoil, my heart breaks and goes out to her. This life we lead and these awful chains hold us prisoner. We all experience such few joys with eating disorders..
I heard something valuable tonight. I heard with my own ears an outsiders perspective. I've heard before the don't do this to yourself speech, and I appreciate it I do, but coming from family its different, especially when they mean it.
Today at one point after 5pm I felt dizzy. I felt faint.
I decided to eat to feel better. It turned into a b/p session. Only 1x though, a good thing although zero would have been best. Still I think I did well. I felt awful the rest of the night, I was starting to get down and beat myself up about it further. The OEP was working, I wasn't even hungry, but the anxiety kept telling me that I was bad and I was going down. I ate to make it all stop, but then the voices and guilt combated the rest and I gave in to the ritual of purging, gave into the Ed. Auto pilot, cruise control, call it what you may, I gave into the same. The same thing over again. The inevitability.
My niece randomly called, we spoke on the phone and I found out she moved relatively close to me. It was nice to hear. She decided to pay me a visit. I couldn't be more pleased.
I was nervous at first, but I did my best to shut out the anxiety and the voices that said no, stay still, close the doors, lock them all out.
When she finally came the nerves started to act up, I spoke up and told her everything, she helped me keep them at bay. She wants me to get better. She wants me to live.
Understanding is very important, it can make or break a person. Our bond continued and I came clean. She wasn't surprised, so much that I've been through, she figured it had to manifest somehow.
Then came the encouragement, you'll get over this hurdle. Some part of me believes it. I will be like the rest of you someday. I will be a woman again, with real problems, not just self inflicted ones.
It was nice to not worry, not think about Mia, not think about anything except the words that were being uttered.
I need this in my daily life. I need to be around people. I need to get back out there.
Its hard to be cut off from the world, I'm tired of allowing it.
I want to be this strong always. To know that the shallow breathing I was experiencing could be dealt with, that I could talk myself out of an attack. I need a break form Mia. I am done with this dominatrix.
I'm wide awake and waiting for my husband to get home. Tomorrow maybe I'll go back to my pessimistic attitude, maybe not. I'm hoping I can overcome this defeatist attitude and learn to love the small victories, like the one where I've overcame the plateau of 150 that seemed impossible a mere weeks ago. I have to enjoy things again. I'm getting too cynical. Its time to try.
Tonight I am me.
As for tomorrow, well I don't know, but I think I will be a little bit excited, I want to try to surprise myself into a better way of thinking.
I will sleep soundly tonight that is for sure, my conscience is clean and so is my slate.
Tonight Lulu 1-Mia 0!
Goodnight and good luck to us tomorrow, we can overcome this, we will reach our goals one way or another.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Hello plateau, I was wondering when you were going to show up?
Great here we go again.
I awake at five am from a drunker slumber, at least I'm not sleepy. I go weigh and there it is 138 still, I've reached the inevitable "plateau" the immovable number on the scale that throws a monkey wrench in the works!
Grr, Mia tricked me! She led me astray again.
So now what?
I'm up, take my supps and this time my OEP. No more Progesterone for me, go back to bed and lay there willing the sleep to come that never does. Ipod on, volume up, Lamb's "Angelica" in the earphones lulling me to rest.
I'm feeling the effects of the OEP awhile later, I'm jittery and nervous and dizzy again. I'm not hungry or craving, that's a good thing.
The day skips ahead and now at noon I've gone to the bathroom and I'm spotting? Ugh. Really this shit again? WTF!!
I don't get it, what is going on with my body? Am I suppose to bleed to death now? Am I suppose to be on hormone therapy the rest of my life now or until I hit Menopause and this horrible monthly burden is eradicated? I am suddenly envious of people who've had hysterectomies. I think I'm done having children, take my womb please! or tie me some knots, anything to make this bleeding stop. If its not Cancer what is the problem?
Lucky Men and their penises! dam Eve had to eat the apple! I think I will start to hate apples in protest of her blunder.
I can't go back to the hospital again. I'm tired of that place, to keep explaining the same thing over and over, plus I have no insurance. I hope it goes away, this thing is such a trigger.
I was supposed to go to the library today, but to be honest I don't trust my body 100% today, I'm scared that I would get dizzy on the long walk there and faint. Then again maybe I wouldn't, I jog everyday and feel fine, but the anxiety has been on all week long, everyday now. Its telling me stay home, I won't make it out there in the world surrounded by a sea of faces. I feel suffocated and cold today, so cold. My body is shrinking and so is the ability to regulate its temperature properly.
So now I'm plagued with a dilemma..I've hit a plateau and need to overcome it. What should I do? The OEP is working its magic, no B/p session in sight. I feel so strange on days when Mia is away, I have all this free time. I am free of her for the moment. What do I do with myself? Maybe if I'm up to it I'll take a walk with my daughter, the weather has been really nice lately. My kind of weather. I'm looking forward to my favorite month in existence October, good things always happen to me in that month without fail, wonder whats in store?
I'm hoping its a change of address and maybe my goal getting closer, much closer, no more obstacles or plateaus.
So its now after 2pm and I am good. Going to make some tea and enjoy a smoke, maybe later the lax but I don't know yet..
Fingers crossed that I will continue to be strong and really mean it this time.
So today I've decided to get these voices out of my head and somewhere else. This seemed cheaper than a therapist.
I have an eating disorder, I've had it since March 4th, 2010 (my birthday by the way). I have Bulimia. I binge and then I purge about 4-5 times a day.
Binge: a bout of excessive eating
Purge: to clear or empty
Yes I've lost a considerable amount of weight, but I've also lost a many other things.
I've lost the ability to communicate with others properly, I've lost the joy of eating. I've lost most of my friendships (my Eating Disorder isolates me).
I've lost concentration and motivation, not to mention energy.
If I had my way, I would lock myself up in my room and B/P all day.
I do not have that luxury, I am a mother, a sister, and wife. Life on the outside requires my daily attendance.
I have constant chest pain, an irregular heartbeat, and a massive headache. Not to mention at times my teeth hurt..
I could have a seizure or heart attack at any given notice.
You think all these things would stop me, that I would quit this lifestyle and seek treatment. No.
I cannot stop, not alone. I don't even know how?
The bathroom scale is the first thing I do in the morning, even before brushing my teeth. If the numbers aren't down, then my day will be miserable.
My life revolves around calories and numbers.
If by some chance I decide to eat anything at all, a great deal must go into knowing what I'm allowing myself to digest.
I would restrict my caloric intake to about 200 or less. There are days where only 80 calories are consumed. The majority of the time though, I allow myself nothing at all. Everything is sent into the nearest toilet. I also exercise a lot, never in a million years would I have said that jogging was a favorite of mines. The eating disorder, the laxatives, the supplements, the exercise, the lies...
This is my daily reality.
Today is different. Today my shallow breathing and Anxiety Disorder have caused a stir in me. No one knows of my secret life, this addiction that has invaded my body. I've recently reconnected with an old high school acquaintance through Face Book, we seemed to be getting along wonderfully, I've allowed him to know things of my past that I've never told anyone including about my ED.
We developed into something I considered to be a mutual attraction. I thought that this was someone I could let into my life and finally be safe with. I was dead wrong. I was a merely the half time show before the big game came back on the television.
This person has reunited with his ex-girlfriend and now is right as rain. I get updates from Face Book on his happiness. This sudden realization caused a trigger in me. Only this one insignificant individual truly knew about me, and I came to see that secrets are just wrong, in all aspects of your life. I decided to come clean about my disorder to those closest to me. It was important in the event of my sudden death or hospitalization. So here I am today. Telling whoever has Internet access about this little piece of me.
You know my name, but you don't know my story..until now.
Something odd has also happened with this confession, for the first time in months, I have gone a complete 24hrs without binging/purging...That is both good and bad. Good because I feel as though I've given Mia the ol' heave ho!
Bad because now Ana is here, and she is a fierce one. I am not scared, I am better today. I am getting closer to my happiness. I am embracing the anorexia.
My life is not much, but it is mines to do with what I will. I've started this blog in the hopes that my venting will encourage others to also vent and look closely at their life, this is not a fad diet, this is a sentence. I am my own jailer. This is what I've chosen.
Here's hoping that Mia is gone for good..
Bulimia causes dehydration and low levels of potassium, magnesium, and sodium in the blood. It causes anemia (low iron in the blood). It causes an irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia). Over time it weakens the heart muscle and can lead to heart failure. Dehydration and vitamin deficiencies can contribute to kidney and liver problems as well.
Bulimia can cause diarrhea, constipation, and other intestinal problems. The acidic content of vomit damages the teeth and the esophagus. It can cause stomach ulcers and sores inside the mouth. In severe cases, the stomach can even rupture.
Bulimia causes hormonal imbalances leading to an absent or irregular menstrual period in women. It can cause infertility.
Bulimia causes generalized muscle weakness and overall fatigue. People with bulimia may lack the energy for daily activities and may became lethargic and withdrawn.
People with bulimia may be of normal body weight, which they maintain by purging after binging. In many cases, however, they are underweight, sometimes dangerously so.
Psychological Effects of Bulimia
The psychological effects of bulimia are very serious, as well. Inpatient mental health treatment is often required, followed up by outpatient care. Medical treatment alone will not be sufficient; treatment for bulimia must include a psychological component. The medical effects of bulimia must be treated and the patient medically stable before psychological treatment can begin, however.
People with bulimia may be suffering from clinical depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or other psychiatric illnesses. If so, these disorders must be treated along with the bulimia. This may involve psychotropic medication.
Psychological effects of bulimia include feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem. These things may contribute to causing bulimia, but can also be consequences of bulimia. It can become a vicious circle.
People with bulimia tend to obsess about their weight and their appearance. They do not have a realistic body image and may believe they are overweight when in fact they are underweight.
Treatment for the psychological effects of bulimia involves addressing the above issues and teaching the patient new coping skills.
Social Effects of Bulimia
The social effects of bulimia are often not talked about or treated, but they are just as important as the psychological effects. In fact, the two are very much related to each other.
Due to the fatigue brought on by the condition, people with bulimia may not have the energy to socialize. For that reason, and because they are so focused on food and on their weight, they may have difficulty developing and maintaining relationships with others.
In addition, people with bulimia are often clinically depressed. Symptoms of depression include low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. These feelings can lead to social isolation and withdrawal.
Treating the social effects of bulimia may involve group therapy and/or family therapy. It may also involve teaching social skills, communication skills, and leisure skills. Successful treatment programs are those that address all the effects of bulimia, including the social effects.
Still think its a diet? To all those who suffer this disorder with me, you are not alone. There are others who share your suffering.
Well thanks for reading..I'll post again 2moro.
Friday, September 24, 2010
What a day.
Today I totally gave into Mia and her demands. I'm so exhausted you just have no idea.
How much longer will I be a slave to this awful life?
When will it be simply enough? Will I ever be able to look into the mirror and just like not even love, but like the person who is staring back at me?
B/p 2x today. I didn't even put up a fight. 138lbs already, I'm getting there very quickly, to that place where all I want is to waste away. For my insides to finally reflect the outside.
Last night was a bad night, the tea kept me up at all hours with horrible cramps, the insomnia didn't help matters, I felt dizzy and faint. Ate a bowl of cereal thinking I'd feel better, then came the immense guilt.
I was scared to purge with my husband in the next room already being so aware of my behavior lately. I know he's worried but doesn't know really what to make of it? Maybe he hopes once I get into therapy this will all just go away. I wonder if that is ever going to happen.
The voice in my head began its dammed nagging, I couldn't make it stop, then it escalated further.
The panic was setting in, I was becoming aware of what I just digested, the calories, the amount..
I had to get it out, so I took a shower instead.. two birds with one stone I suppose.
Tossed and turned the whole night, I could not get back to sleep.
I paid for it this morning, fatigued and tired, bags under my eyes and a migraine.
I dropped my daughter off at school and came back home and tried to sleep. Half an hour was all I could manage.
My husband ran some errands this morning and came back with breakfast. I set it aside for later.
When I felt as though I had a little more strength I went ahead and walked to the store to get supplies for later. This time I knew what I wanted, there was no hesitation. The panic attack was well on its way. My chest pounded hard, and my breathing became more shallow. I hated it, I prayed that I wouldn't pass out in the market. The walk home was fine, I'd made it back without incident, now the clock ticks away till I could finally be truly alone, I didn't even have to drive anywhere, my husband picked up my daughter from school for me. Everything kept falling into place for me on this rainy Friday.
My husband had to go back to work today, I was relieved and sad all at the same time. I would be alone, how would he come back and find me? Alive I pray, conscious?
I wanted to be alone and just indulge in the sickness and yet a part of me yelled internally please don't go, you don't know how scared I really am. Any day now..I will pass out, will I awake is another matter entirely.
I would be all by myself today, I was going to just give in. I was tired of fighting Mia off. She's too demanding. Every purge feels like the last, and then its not.
The panic attack came and I tried my best to calm down, finally I just let the attack have me in hopes that the massive paranoid wave would settle, and it did. I continued with the ritual.
Today is my last day on the Progesterone. I think of today as a farewell, tomorrow I can get back on the OEP and hopefully welcome Ana back.
I worked out today and stared at my body in the mirror, I can see certain places getting smaller, curves and plains on my body I hadn't seen in years. I can see change. Then again I can't really trust what I see, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I see the opposite, nothing but lies. I don't know what to believe.
I trust nothing and no one.
Today something odd happened, a friend and I were together during a b/p session and chatting. It was odd because its something you don't normally do, when you give into the cravings alone is all you want to be. Sit down dinners and family gatherings are a thing of the past. That just can't happen anymore, normal behaivior like that is out the window. Yet here we were chatting and binging, it was nice, it felt normal to me, like how it feels to go eat somewhere, out to lunch with a friend. You eat and then nothing, everything feels right, normal chatter, no Ed in sight, except in our case the Mia was just another hot topic instead of an issue. I wonder if I will ever be able to just sit and talk and eat ever again?
I'm not looking forward to holidays and all that food that accompanies it. The cat is out of the bag now, how many will stare this year at me when I excuse myself and leave to use the restroom? I feel like a joke.
I am entertainment now instead of a person. Is my suffering entertaining?
How many lectures and scoldings will I have to endure this year?
I don't matter, this is all I know and the only grip that I have. This works for me because I can feel it, grasp it, control it. I don't know how to make anyone understand it, I don't think its my place to do so either.
So here I am now, blogging and dead beat.
I've decided to drink. That's both good and bad. Good because the voices in my head get scrambled, the panic is muted, the cravings gone. Bad because I'm mixed up, and have low tolerance now for alcohol. I'm becoming a binge drinker.
Alcoholism runs in my family in addition to Cancer and the crazies.
Maybe I'm just predisposed to end up this way. A huge vat of confusion.
How big a part does genetics add up in our lives really?
I feel dizzy, the beer helps to a certain degree before it too starts its deadly effects on me. My body is confused now, so am I.
At least I'll be able to sleep finally, the alcohol should have me out untill 4am if I'm lucky.
I wanted to go to the library tomorrow, I hope I still have the energy in the morning. I could use a day with normal in it.
I'm tired, so I think I'll have a final cigarette and the rest of this beer before I slumber.
▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ ▇ ★ "Courage" by SuperChick!! ★ █ ▇ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Last night my sister and I butted heads.
I was trying to make her understand a little more about me and she was trying her best to tell me about her understanding of me.
In the end it was best to just drop it and agree to disagree.
I can't explain it even if I wanted to, because to be honest I don't know what's wrong with me?
What is it in me that drives me to behave this way, you can speculate all you want but you won't have me pegged.
So this morning I get up and it is a beautiful windy, rainy day. I love days like this. They keep me calm and sane. I wish for more days like this.
I weigh and I am at 139 today.
Out of the 140s and moving full speed ahead into the 130's a week ahead of schedule.
I have one more day on the Progesterone and then I can get back on the OEP.
I'm looking forward to the pills. I've had a protein shake this morning (55cals)
and my supplements. Loads of dieter's tea too.
I was fine during the day, and then my daughter came home from school and had to be fed. Rice and chicken for her dinner.
Husband made coffee and then heated up a plate of brown rice for me, he set it next to me on the table. He was attempting to feed me.
I was already debating chew and spit. I can't stand to do that. I didn't want to b/p with him here, but what other choice did I have? He is becoming aware of the severity of what it is I'm actually doing to my body. If he only knew all of the gory details I believe he would cry.
I left the plate on the table for a few minutes, as if ignoring it would make the matter disappear.
Then just as quick he took the plate away and ate the meal himself. I was spared of the awful ritual.
So I was empty still.
I ended up binging finally, a small one, something I could purge later real fast in one of my bathroom trips. When I did finally manage to purge I was interrupted. Half out, no good.
Luckily I suggested the park earlier and he took up the offer suddenly. Leaving me to my own devices.
I could finish, a final b/p to get the other out and I was done for the day.
More tea to get any stragglers out. This is getting tedious.
I feel a unspoken tension now in the house, its triggering.
So the cycle continues again on this Thursday afternoon.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
So tonight was the Hispanic Heritage Festival at my daughter's school.
I am dressed, very nice I might say. I actually feel pretty tonight. I am wearing a dress and that almost never happens.
The camera is charged and our little family is off to the school.
We circle around numerous times until we finally manage to find a parking spot.
My daughter is very happy and she is jumping up and down in excitement at seeing her teachers and friends on school property at night. It brings me back to my own childhood and having similar experiences with things like open house and book fairs, how at night the school seems completely different. I'm happy for her, she waves at her classmates who are equally as delighted to see her.
I'm standing in a very long line at the front of the school waiting for the gates to open. There are numerous children dressed in their heritage's colors and costumes. Some kids are so decked out in costumes at times I had to do a double take. There are more parents arriving with trays of food to donate to the festival. I donated earlier in the day, plates, napkins, cups and plastic silverware. My obligation for that night fulfilled.
Now the line is being tightened in thanks to the City of Miami police officers who are monitoring the event. My daughter squeezes as close as she can in the line between my husband and I. As were waiting we take pictures to share online with the rest of the family.
The tea I took earlier has my stomach in knots. I'm not panicking as earlier. Before I even have a chance to further explore that thought we're allowed inside finally.
I haven't eaten anything today..
Had three cups of tea only.
I am super dizzy, then comes the headache..
Time ticks by and the dizziness gets stronger, the panic is setting in. I haven't had one since my trip to the hospital last week, why now? I hate this.
I'm a prisoner in my own skin. I want to cry.
My breathing gets shallow and the thoughts start at 100 mph. Food, food, food.
A buffet at the Festival tonight, what am I going to wear? I still have to dress my kid, I have to shower. So many small trivial things suddenly seem like obstacles. The headache is intense, the breathing gets slower, am I even breathing?
I need air, a cigarette..Outside it doesn't help?
Now come the tremors inside and out. I'm cold.
I'm having a panic attack. Its strangling my life. I just have to breathe and stay put. I wish I had something to take to help me calm down, but I don't. I don't even have a therapist! How am I going to overcome this.
I start thinking about the huge crowds, all those strangers. I don't know a single soul there.
I hate this!! I can't calm down, how can I make this go away. No chest pains yet but it will come. I need to be strong tonight, I have to go. The b/p concern me but its in the back of my mind, not up front and center like I thought earlier. I can't focus on anything right now, feel so paralyzed.
I wish I could just be normal, why is everything a thousand times harder for me than others?
This is becoming a huge trigger for me. Makes me just want to say Fuck it! You win! Go ahead and destroy me!
I'm so irritable right now, here comes the chest pains. I just want to fall asleep, just keel over. I hate that I'm going through this alone. No one understands how hard this is for me. I can't even fathom it at times. Triggers all around now, my daughter back from school, my husband and his parenting. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, such a load I cannot carry. I pray for broader shoulders.
I can't catch a breath, I can't calm down. I want to just scream!
I'm so dizzy, wish I would just pass out already, at least then I would have a moment of peace and disconnected from feeling anything.
I'm tired of being at war with myself..I'm my own enemy.
I have to cry now. I feel so defeated.
Am I slowly going crazy?
Just have to breathe.............in-out-in-out- exhale.
The writing is helping some, feels like I'm channeling the panic elsewhere.
Dear God, please let me be okay tonight, for my daughter's sake. Let me not embarrass her with this phobia.
I have to lie down and try to find the quiet..
You may have only one or two panic attacks in your lifetime. But if you have had several panic attacks and have spent long periods in constant fear of another attack, you may have a chronic condition called panic disorder.
Panic attacks were once dismissed as nerves or stress, but they're now recognized as a real medical condition. Although panic attacks can significantly affect your quality of life, treatment is very effective
Panic attack symptoms can make your heart pound and cause you to feel short of breath, dizzy, nauseated and flushed. Because panic attack symptoms can resemble life-threatening conditions, it's important to seek an accurate diagnosis and treatment.
Panic attacks typically include a few or many of these symptoms:
- A sense of impending doom or death
- Rapid heart rate
- Shortness of breath
- Hot flashes
- Abdominal cramping
- Chest pain
- Tightness in your throat
- Trouble swallowing
One of the worst things about panic attacks is the intense fear that you'll have another panic attack. If you have had four or more panic attacks and have spent a month or more in constant fear of another attack, you may have a condition called panic disorder, a type of chronic anxiety disorder.
Symptoms of panic disorder often start either in late adolescence or early adulthood and affect more women than men.
Many people have just one or two panic attacks in their lifetimes, and the problem goes away, perhaps when a stressful situation ends.
Factors that may increase the risk of developing panic attacks or panic disorder include:
- A family history of panic attacks or panic disorder
- Significant stress
- The death or serious illness of a loved one
- Big changes in your life, such as the addition of a baby
- A history of childhood physical or sexual abuse
- Undergoing a traumatic event, such as an accident or rape
Complications that panic attacks may cause or be associated with include:
- Development of specific phobias, such as fear of driving or leaving your home
- Avoidance of social situations
- Problems at work or school
- Increased risk of suicide or suicidal thoughts
- Alcohol or substance abuse
- Financial problems
Your doctor may recommend a combination of medication and psychotherapy if you:
- Have severe panic disorder
- Have panic disorder along with another major mental health diagnosis, such as depression or post-traumatic stress disorder
- Have already tried one type of treatment and haven't improved
Medications can help reduce symptoms associated with panic attacks, as well as depression if that's an issue for you. Several types of medication have been shown to be effective in managing symptoms of panic attacks, including:
- Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Because these antidepressant medications are generally safe and have a low risk of causing serious side effects, SSRIs are typically recommended as the first choice in medication options to treat panic attacks. Drugs in this class that have been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of panic disorder include fluoxetine (Prozac, Prozac Weekly), paroxetine (Paxil, Paxil CR, Pexeva) and sertraline (Zoloft).
- Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). These medications are another class of antidepressants. The SNRI drug called venlafaxine (Effexor XR) is FDA-approved for the treatment of panic disorder.
- Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs). While effective, these antidepressants pose a risk of serious side effects, including heart and blood sugar problems. No TCAs are FDA-approved specifically for the treatment of panic disorder.
- Benzodiazpines. These medications are mild sedatives. They belong to the group of medicines called central nervous system (CNS) depressants. Benzodiazepines may be habit-forming (causing mental or physical dependence), especially when taken for a long time or in high doses. Benzodiazepines that have been FDA-approved for the treatment of panic disorder include alprazolam (Xanax) and clonazepam (Klonopin). If you seek care in an emergency room for signs and symptoms of a panic attack, you may be given a benzodiazepine to help stop the attack.
- Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs). Because these antidepressants can cause life-threatening side effects and require strict dietary restrictions, they're not commonly prescribed. No MAOIs are FDA-approved specifically for the treatment of panic disorder.
Psychotherapy, also called counseling or talk therapy, can help you understand panic attacks and panic disorder and how to cope with them. The main type of psychotherapy used to treat panic attacks and panic disorder is cognitive behavioral therapy. Your doctor also may recommend a type of psychotherapy called psycho dynamic psychotherapy.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you change thinking (cognitive) patterns that trigger your fears and panic attacks. It can also help you change the way you react (behave) to anxious or fearful situations. During therapy sessions, you learn to recognize things that trigger your panic attacks or make them worse, such as specific thoughts or situations. You also learn ways to cope with the anxiety and physical symptoms associated with panic attacks.
These may include breathing and relaxation techniques. In addition, working carefully with your therapist, you may re-create the symptoms of panic attacks in the safety of his or her office. This is an important step because it can help you learn to control and master the symptoms so that they don't continue to be a source of intense fear. Doing this can also help you overcome fear of certain situations that you may avoid, such as crowded malls or driving.
- Psycho dynamic psychotherapy. Psycho dynamic psychotherapy focuses on increasing your awareness of your unconscious thoughts and behaviors. Unlike cognitive behavioral therapy, this approach doesn't intentionally re-create panic symptoms. Instead, your therapist helps you investigate your mind to identify internal emotional conflict that may play a role in your panic and avoidance reactions.
Based on your findings, your therapist will help you develop healthier ways to respond to conflict. Early study results suggest that psycho dynamic psychotherapy focused on panic reactions may be an effective short-term treatment option for panic disorder. More research is needed to fully understand how this type of therapy compares with other treatments for panic disorder.
As your symptoms improve, you and your therapist will develop a plan to taper off therapy. You may agree to schedule occasional maintenance visits to help ensure that your panic attacks remain under control.
Yesterday was the day I gave into the voices. I b/p 3x.
I've bought something called dieter's tea..oh boy hello new version of a lax!
I think I'm in love..it takes awhile to work, but it does.
So now I've reached another milestone, looking forward to moving into the 130's now. I will give myself another month to do it and see If I can surprise myself again. I have the Festival at my daughter's school tonight, I'm hoping it won't be a total bust. I want to try and make the most of it, look nice and equally feel that way. I want to do this for her. I'm suppose to be fasting, but instead I will just go through the day and see where it takes me, I don't want to set the bar to high and fail.
For today anyways, this will be my frame of mind.
I managed to get a morning workout in, and during my shower the dizziness started, everything went black on me, it scared me. I hope the dizziness goes away soon, I need to be able to function tonight.
Every time I get up the room spins and my head hurts. I'm going to the library this weekend and will check out some very inspiring books, I need to get into the mindset and get Ana back.
Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
"Why?" is the wrong question.
Ask "Why not?"
-Laurie Halse Anderson "Wintergirls"