Saturday, April 30, 2011
This vid is only for Blogger..
I am Super Drunk!
Talking about a little bit of this and that..
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday and I'm still in good spirits.
Tuesdays amazing effects are still felt. The green dress stares at me from the hamper, scented and wrinkled from too much fun.
I still have a little smile thinking about everything and what a good day that was.
In the morning after supps and exercise I'm in the bathroom staring at my body. My lips are a little swollen today, makes me laugh thinking about all the kissing I did, seems like years worth done in one afternoon.
I'm still at 108.8; geesh practically 109 again.
Why does it seem like it's never enough. I have that stupid voice in my head that is telling me how fat I am today. I start to pinch at places on my body that I don't like and sigh heavily in frustration. Seems like no matter what I do, the lard is immovable and permanent.
I need more mirrors in my house, the next available money that passes through my hands will go straight to that. I'm like a backwards narcissist, hating the reflection but unable to look away.
My day is calm until my husband starts to act funny.
He's officially on Child Support now and has twenty days to comply and provide financial records. He's asking me for help; I read the summons he was given and explain further what it is he has to do. Mondays the office is closed so he wants to head over there in person on Tuesday and talk to someone about his case.
Hmm well that is my day!
In the morning I have an app with new shrink and at 11 I see my usual therapist; after that, I can relax and go see my friend.
He thinks I should just come straight home afterwards.
I tell him that I simply cannot change my plans on Tuesday, I won't.
My husband doesn't like this one bit, I can see that thing in his eyes that makes him a bad person.
I'm working on my resume in the afternoon and its time to get my daughter from school. This house is running low on food.
My husband does nothing to remedy the situation. My daughter is dropped off from school and hungry.
I manage to swing Pancakes for dinner and she doesn't mind.
As I'm slaving over a hot stove, flipping buttery fluffy pancakes and dreading the awful smell that suffocates my small apartment and drenches the curtains and fabrics sure to be there all night long and drive me mad, I curse my husband under my breath. I'm bitching to myself.
My daughter from the bathroom, on the toilet calls for me and I set the pan aside and go see what does she need, maybe a roll of paper?
"Mommy there is more to life than just money." my daughter says very calmly to me. She repeats something I am certain my husband has just said to her.
I HATE when he involves her in our problems, she is a child and has no idea what she is saying.
I get really mad now and snap at my daughter, who's fault it is not. I explain to her what money is needed for.
She is quiet and I instantly regret saying anything. Now I'm no better than him, doing the exact same thing.
She's not the head I wanna bite off.
I feel lousy the rest of the day and have a half arsed workout to boot.
I've eaten 2 bananas, coffee and almonds.
I'm debating to binge or not and finally don't. I even go to bed way too early missing a chance to chat with my friend online who was awake and waiting for me at 2am. I missed talking to him yesterday almost entirely, only a short talk in the afternoon right before the Food incident.
He kept telling me how good I smelled and how his clothes still smelled of me, my scent in certain spots on the couch too. It was very sweet to hear.
He also complained of sore muscles and mentioned something about trying to get back in shape, possibly jumping on an exercise bike even lol.
This morning I weigh and I'm back up to 109.2;
In the shower the strange sadness starts and the tears. I hate this stupid feeling, now what?
My husband works early today and he's not talking to me. My car has enough gas to make it to school this afternoon to pick my daughter up. My husband is being stingier with money. I'm used to it.
I'm finishing up my resume, I think I'm sad and depressed again because of all the sudden changes happening.
A possible job, medication and another Shrink, a much needed separation and now someone who gets to see me naked on Tuesdays.
Feels like a lot. I see so many things in my head, everything that I have to do to get going, but it feels like chaos, I don't know how to sort through it all so it can get done?
April has been a strange month to say the least and its not even over yet.
So far all I've had today is 2 cups of coffee and some Apple Fig Bars. I plan to workout in a few, a proper workout, at least 800 calories or more if I can manage it. I'm really triggered but not hungry actually. If I ate it would honestly be a binge, and there isn't even anything to binge on here, I can't and won't touch anything that has to be rationed until my husband decides to throw me a bone. I can manage with coffee and crackers, I still have Protein shakes too.
I do wish I could cave and just b/p, may help my mood.
I won't though, I'll just keep gaining again and I don't won't to go past 110lbs.
I pick up my new glasses tomorrow and I've found a dentist that takes my insurance, I may have to pay something I believe but it may not be much,
I have no gas to drive there though ugh!
I'll figure out something I suppose.
I'm off to workout..take care everyone!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday was a bad day,
I was suppose to go clothes shopping with my niece early.
She over slept and I got triggered. My husband short changed me on some money he promised me, even making me gas my car out of pocket. I was really mad. I went shopping by myself and ended up buying a green dress and really cute sandals. I came home and B/p 3x.
That was yesterday..
Tuesday today and its a fresh start and a new day.
109.4lbs today and I feel better.
I wake up at 6am and start the morning exercise routine. I see my therapist today and thought this would be our last session. After dropping my daughter off at school I come straight home and talk to my big sister for an hour before getting ready for my "day off."
I wear my little green dress and new shoes, my makeup is done and I'm perfumed and pretty. I set the alarm for my husband, enough time for him to wake up on his own accord and get my daughter from school. He was making plans for us to go out later, random errands and b/p for sure if I'd stay home. He's forgotten that Tuesday's will officially be my day to go out and do whatever I want with my time.
I find parking at the Publix across the street from my Shrinks office and pray that my car will be alright. I survey the parking lot for any spotters that may tip off a Tow Company and get my car in my absence, I see nothing. One last look back at my little yellow car and I'm off to see the shrink for much needed venting.
In the lobby and my bubbly shrink arrives, she's bright eyed and happy.
"Hi! you look so pretty today.." she comments on my outfit. I feel pretty today, a little self conscious at first concerning my outfit choice, seeing as how I never really dress this girly, but it was one of my New Year's resolutions after all..
We head into her office and the venting starts.
Good news all around, apparently she has been checking on my case and my insurance will allow me to keep seeing her!
I am so happy.
We talked about everything and even now as I'm writing this, I can't stop smiling. Today is such a great day I can't even begin to put it into words..
So many images are filling my head and I'm at a loss for words. Nothing but feeling is engulfing me.
My anxiety and panic attacks are discussed and I mention to my shrink how I would love to go to a group but know of none. She immediately lights up in delight and next week we will find one for me to attend!
I'm in such good spirits that I even mention my insomnia to her, I also made a comment on how tired I am of my weight. I tell her how disordered my eating has become. She tells me that I look normal and fit even,
I continue to drop hints about a possible eating disorder, I go one step further and show her my Driver's License.
"This is not you!" she is stunned at the picture.
Instead of concern, she sings my praises and wishes she was on whatever diet I am on.
I drop the subject. I'm not ready to tell yet. I will, but not yet.
She suggests I find a General practitioner and get myself checked out, make sure its not Thyroid related..
I laugh internally and decide to go ahead and do that too. I'm referred to a Psychologist at her office so I can get my meds finally, I see him at the beginning of next month and even on the same day.
My visit was overall good, and I feel better getting the weight of the Ed off my shoulders for a minute.
After my visit from the shrink, I'm off to see my old friend to catch a movie.
I can't drive fast enough to see him. I stop by my local Dollar store and buy candy, I'm searching for Red Hotts, instead buy Hot Tamales and a sack of Almonds, I grab a coffee also from Dunkin Donuts and continue the forty minute drive to see him. The reason for the eating was so I wouldn't have a noisy tummy in a quiet setting.
I end up getting there quicker than expected. I'm greeted by a huge smile and roving eyes.
"Look at you!" he eyes me up and down impressed I assume on how nice I look. My face is flustered and the blushing never stops, neither does my huge smile which he constantly says he loves to see.
I walk over to him where we pause and smile at each other before he bends down to kiss me.
Inside his empty house and our movie plans our cancelled. I knew this would happen so I grabbed a few DVD's from home and a huge Cheddar Cheese bag of popcorn from the dollar store. I'm not planning on eating this of course, it's more for him really.
He suffers from anxiety too and I suspect that venturing out into a social setting would be too much for him. I honestly don't mind. The b/p from yesterday left me pretty tired. I wasn't really bummed about not being able to sit in a dark cold theater for two hours in silence. I mostly just wanted to spend time with him.
He knows about my eating disorder, hell he was even online chatting with me as I was binging yesterday, he is very curious and has always been supportive. He wants me to get better and likes it when I try my hardest to fight off the Bulimia. I like that we have no secrets between us. I like that I can be honest even though he may not fully understand. I think it's better that he sees it through an outsider's perspective, may help to keep me in check. It may help keep the delusional thinking out. I need an honest opinion about my looks, I want to make sure what I see and what I actually look like can be distinguished.
The talking between us last for about an hour before we decide that it's enough.
The rest of my time there was spent doing something else.
First time sex between two people is always awkward, I'm really out of practice.
Sex and an Eating Disorder is strange, while I tried my best to get into it, I kept worrying about my body really. He likes my misshapen figure, he likes me.
Let's get the first one out the way I suggest, the buildup between two persons who have been so sexually attracted to each other is funny. In the end though we had a nice time, the second act was way better, we were more comfortable and the rhythm became more relaxed.
I didn't worry as much for the second round. He made me feel comfortable, he made me feel desirable and normal. My body and the way I felt about it were shelved for the time being.
I didn't want to go but it was getting late.
I'm walked to my car where our goodbye kiss is long, I haven't kissed anyone this much in years.
I drive home stopping by a gas station and putting gas with the money he so kindly gave me to fill my tank. I get more almonds from the store and eat more candy. The candy serves as a distraction and made kissing tasty today. It's better than mint flavored gum. He rather enjoyed the cinammon flavored kissing as did I.
I arrive to an empty house, my husband is not here, gone off somewhere with my daughter, the park I assume.
I shower and workout.
I step apprehensively on the scale and I am shocked as it reads 108.8!
The day gets better.
So to sum it up, I keep my shrink, no Mia, I get laid, and I lose some weight.
Next Tuesday I see him again.
I'm having a glass of wine and my husband arrives home, he is all smiles and so am I.
I don't feel guilty looking at him, I feel relief. I know now that this is what I truly want, to move on, move forward with my life. I want to be free, I want to be happy like this always.
I have no idea what the future will hold for me, I know that I'm tired of throwing up my food. I am tired of crying for nothing and being depressive and panic ridden. I am tired of being miserable and unpretty.
I won't push the Ed related topic further for my therapist, I'll let her connect the dots and ask questions if that is where it leads. I will continue to exercise and eat more calories. I will try not to lose weight, try not to make that my only goal in life, because there is more to my life than just that. I can see that now.
Instead I will go forward, if I lose weight than so be it, in the meantime not going over 110lbs is good. I will try to just to that. That is the new goal to never go past 110lbs.
I won't lie and say that the itch, the desire to keep getting thin is not there, I may always struggle with that, but it is my own struggle an no one Else's. I am trying to love myself, trying to love this new skin I inhabit.
I will try to take the pressure off by just eating a little and trying to avoid anything triggering. I will try to avoid b/p at all costs.
I'm scared of what life will be like without the constant rat race that is Disordered Eating, but it is something I think I should wanna strive for too. I should want better things for myself too; not just bad, not just misery and self loathing. I am not a bad person, I want greater things also. I want to be positive and keep believing that things will happen for me, that positive rewarding things will touch me.
So maybe I'm too happy today and I know that I won't feel like this everyday, but for today I do and I welcome it. I welcome the happy.
As for the guy, well I won't jump the gun, I'm just living in the moment, enjoying the moment. I don't like to plan or make assumptions. I don't expect anything. I just want to take it slow and one day at a time. Whatever happens happens. That's all I can do, otherwise I'd go mad.
Otherwise I'd give up and give in and then where would I be?
Goodnite everyone, I hope tomorrow will be as great.
I can't stop smiling...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Easter Bunny cupcakes I baked for the party in my daughter's classroom yesterday; thought I would just share.
Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel!
Enjoy Friday everybody..
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I'm sorry for not blogging yesterday, I'm really tired guys.
Let's talk about Tuesday..
I woke up in the morning at 109lbs grrr!
It could be worse I guess, I'll settle for 109. I had to see my therapist and so I got ready and headed out. Our session ran longer that I'd like on account of her being late. I like her, she's a total scatterbrain. She's bubbly too and is incredibly encouraging with my current Life Goals. I will miss her terribly when they switch her. Our session ended a little bit past noon, afterwards I had the whole day to myself.
The day off from the usual routine that awaited me at home. I was off to see my friend today, I was nervous. This was someone who I hadn't seen in person in years, a friend who I had become close to this past year and had even shared an attraction to. He and I were going to hang out and catch up in person this time, as for the pool? Well I'm on my period so that's out!
The long drive I'm prepared for, I have a thermos full of coffee, a Powerade in the cup holder, 2 ripe bananas and a bag of RedHotts candy. I eat the fruit and drink the coffee the minute I sit in my car after I step out of the Shrinks office.
Here we go, the calories adding up (200+100?) I made the coffee with creamer today. I silently panic and feel like going back home. I can't do that though, I've already agreed to go see my old friend. I check the directions I printed out from Mapquest and start the long drive.
My heart is beating fast and my breathing is shallow, I hate this part, the conflict in my head that is not understanding why I'm eating, why I'm ruining the recent loss. In my purse is a bag of candy, I reach for it and open it. It says 60 calories for 18 pieces? I start to pop the spicy red candies in my mouth. I drive carefully and continue to nervously eat candy, God my weight will go up so bad right now, why am I eating this, my stomach will bloat, I'll look fatter!
I shouldn't have agreed to see him. Is this a mistake?
On the way there, my old friend calls and I'm in the vicinity finally, hearing his voice is nice, makes the panic go away, but doesn't help the butterflies in my stomach.
I make a left instead of a right and I delay our face to face by five more minutes, he's joshing me about my knowledge of left and right, we're laughing. I find his house and he's outside waiting for me. I made my therapist cookies, in our last session she said she'd loved to try something I baked. I told her I would bring her something. When I gave my shrink the baked goods, she obviously couldn't accept them, something about ethics? She's not allowed. I knew this but wanted to show her that I came through anyways..
I'm shown the kitchen at my friend's house after explaining where the cookies came from, he offered to take them off my hands since I refused to eat them. I set them on the kitchen counter and when I turn around my friend is staring and makes a remark..
"Wow you're skinny."
I want to smile but instead feel embarrassed. My weight is not an issue, I politely steer clear of any discussion involving that, he makes further remarks like, "You're Model Thin; You're in Shape.."
Despite that we're all smiles for the rest of the day. No pool, but plenty of catching up and unwinding. There is a sexual tension between us; lingering touching and intense stares in between conversations. I ramble and so does he, the talking never stops, I'm nervous and continue to eat the candy. I stay for four hours, time flies. As I get up to leave, I'm asked not to go, I tell him that I will come back next Tuesday, this makes us both smile. On the walk out I have his arm around my waist. I turn to hug him goodbye and he kisses me. I pull away surprised and decide that I want to kiss him; so I do. I stop after he moves his hands down my back and grabs my ass. I can feel his erection. I smile and remind him that I have to go home, so I leave. In the car the inner turmoil begins again, I have no idea now, the lines will now be blurry between us; I panic thinking about having to be naked in front of someone, god my body is a mess. I have a long ride home and I'm dying to weigh. I'm sure I've gained three pounds from all the crap I ate.
The drive home is quick and I come home to an empty house, I hurry and undress to weigh...109lbs! what how can that be?
I'm overjoyed! I start to laugh and stare at my body in the mirror analyzing all the flaws. Would someone else see them too and be as repulsed? Intimacy; Sex? I haven't been down this road in ages, I don't know how to do this?
I workout and eat a 60 calorie soup. I head to bed early avoiding Mia making it two days officially.
I get a text on my phone and you'll never guess from who; give up? It's my very small penis failed blind date/setup lol!
Oh my God, why is this idiot still texting me! I ignore his calls. My husband and daughter come home from the Park and he doesn't ask many questions about my day off. He's giving me space and privacy. I feel no different looking at him, another man has kissed me today and I feel nothing even. The kiss was awkard and I'm not sure what to make of it, I'm more worried about my body and what he would think of it if he saw me naked. I haven't worked in the other feelings that come along with sleeping with someone. I'm more concerened about my weight. Is that normal? I should be gushing over a kiss right? Is that what one does after someone crosses into your personal space; I'm not? I keep replaying the moment in my head, but it's different, I see moments like the arm around my waist and what he must think of my waist, I think about how big I would look naked, am I worth seeing naked? Ugh why am I such a weirdo!
Today is the book fair and the food I've prepared is cooked, so are the cupcakes I made. My favorite story as a child was Where the Wild Things Are..
Monday, April 18, 2011
Last night was brutal, yesterday was all together.
Been b/p non stop, my head throbbed from dehydration and low potassium.
Nothing deterred me from the ritual not even the lack of food or appetite.
I'm on auto pilot, start binging before 9am and don't stop till after 10pm.
I think secretly I just don't care anymore.
I feel like I'm tired of caring.
I woke up to this...
Maybe the universe is throwing me a much needed bone.
I can't believe how low some people would go, stealing laundry c'mon!
My poor daughter's uniforms..
My husband and I actually did something out of character, we took the high road and didn't attack each other, I had a cigarette and my husband had a beer, we sat outside on the balcony and quietly discussed tomorrow.
The clothing is replaceable and that's that. No need to dwell on what's taken.
Tragic and uncalled for but we can walk away and still find ourselves better.
This morning we head out to buy more uniforms, my daughter is sent to school in her P.E uniform, it's okay.
I'm no longer in a crap mood, I feel better, I have coffee and water.
I feel okay and hopeful again.
The time in the street is great, haven't been home to b/p.
I have chicken defrosting in my kitchen sink, tonight's dinner is Fried chicken and potato salad, mac and cheese too.
A speaker from a local Recycling Plant came to my daughter's school today; Earth Day is soon upon us and this new little generation needs to be informed how to help.
My daughter was the only kid in class who participated with glee on everything concerning Mother Earth, she answered all the questions on How to Recycle correctly and so she was the only child to be awarded a prize.
Her very own Re-Usable shopping bag that she can even color.
I've been on my feet all day, moving constantly. I haven't had a moment to rest.
I have been frying chicken, baking cookies and cleaning up all day long. I have a spare moment to blog and I am happy to report that...
I have not binged today!
I'm pretty nervous for tomorrow, I see my therapist and then it's onward to go visit my friend.
The long drive I'm not looking forward too, and the pool?
Well I'm officially on my period, so?
I think it will be okay tomorrow, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm off to shower now and then bed.
I think today was a good day finally.
I hope this continues, please continue!
Night to you all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
No vlog tonight.
I went to go buy soap to do laundry, wash all my baby's uniforms..
Some random person stole my bag with all my laundry in it, when I came back outside it was gone.
I've been b/p all day long.
My period just came on.
Fuck it all.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I will never get this weight off!
I Hate my body!
How am I suppose to enjoy a visit with anyone looking like this, pool?
I'm at war with myself.
The scale says 110lbs still,
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Been b/p all day.
Sorry for not blogging, but you know how these things go.
On the plus side..I'm so drained sleep is inevitable tonight.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I lay quietly in my bed this morning.
It's dark and the room is cold. The cats lay at my feet and any movement I make makes their bodies feel heavier on me.
I've just worked out, 700 crunches and 200 leg lifts, all I could muster myself to do, I'm very tired.
Yesterday I indulged in the ritual until I sat on the couch and my eyes heavy closed on their own.
The workout was forced but necessary.
I've weighed this am and I'm back up to 110.2lbs (congratulations you fat stupid bitch).
I've blown 109.6 completely, I don't know when I'll be able to get back to that weight again.
In the soft bed I lay quietly and listen to my body. My lower abdomen is throbbing, my heart is beating slowly. I can hear the erratic beating, glub, glub, glub. I hold my breath and see if I can hear the precise moment when it will eventually stop beating all together on me.
My jaw hurts from hours of chewing and my knuckles are real sore, getting liquid out meant poking harder than usual, the deep embedded teeth marks are swollen. My nail polish eviscerated.
I can't take my daughter to school, I'm too dizzy and nauseous.
I went to bed at 2am last night, my husband got home early. He walked in on me sitting on the bed, a plastic bag in my lap and in the middle of a binge.
A chew and spit binge, he raises his eyebrow surprised and wondering maybe-now what?
Him being home early meant he brought home food from work, three salads and pasta. I couldn't be happier.
He makes no comment concerning the gross display of "eating" he goes and showers. We watch Mildred Pierce on HBO and later the Food Network.
At one point in the night my husband runs to the store for more Gatorade and a Sports shake, he doesn't like my unusual Vertigo; I start to laugh because it feels scary and good at the same time. I am swaying and not caring.
I feel like a failure and wonder how many more years can I go on like this, I keep waiting for the blackout-nothing yet.
The faucet is dripping on a whole Chicken I have thawing in the sink, I plan to throw it in the Crock pot for dinner tonight. I poke my husband and tell him it's time to get my daughter ready for school.
I'm glad I don't have to go, I don't feel like pretending I feel well today.
I'm looking around and for the first time in a long time can smell the vomit. My house reeks. It smells like rancid milk here.
I have to get up I'm afraid and disinfect the house.
As my daughter is out the door for school I throw the covers and cats off of me and head to the kitchen under the sink for supplies.
I tackle the bathroom first.
I can see my mess.
I never knew I was so messy. The side of the bowl and even the back wall have speckles of vomit. I can see traces of sick everywhere.
Has this always been here, have I always been this blind?
I scrub and scrub and finish in the living room. I wash dishes and check the cupboards.
Time for Inventory, I binged on a lot yesterday.
I c/s on a whole pizza yesterday, that was kinda fun actually considering how hard it would be to purge that anyways. I also went through half a box of cereal.
I need milk today and more cereal. The rest was okay to binge on.
I won't lie and say I don't want to keep going, the added weight makes me mad.
I have to see my therapist tomorrow, I hope I feel better.
I feel like I want to delete my very triggering "friend" from Face Book and my life period. The thing is he wouldn't even know why all the drama, because he doesn't understand me or my disorders.
I would be setting myself up for an explanation I don't have to guts to give yet.
I have to go to the store later with hubby, he wants to buy another coffee maker, I officially broken ours with so much usage lately.
I have a huge headache and am having coffee now. I need to workout so bad later.
I have no idea what the rest of the day will be like for me, I may cave again.
Another C/S session perhaps. Feels better than the actual bringing back up pounds of half chewed ingested food.
The day is long and so seems the fight.
I hope the day isn't too exhausting further, I'm tired of trying sometimes. I feel lonely today, I miss life.
Where did it go, I had a personality once, I had real friends, and people once looked up to me.
Now I'm this, a person who makes themselves sick and enjoys the sight of ribs poking out of their tight top.
My mind has warped, I wonder how much lower can I go?
I hope I never find out.
Stay safe all, I'm off..
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Lou's Youtube Channel Please Subscribe!
Here is "Shakey Tours" the video I made earlier. Me as a very lousy Tour Guide lol.
Keep up the good fight, I know it's hard believe me, Mia is not easy to overcome, but never stop trying. Everyday is a battle and sometimes we falter and fail, it's okay, pick yourself up again and start over.
You're not alone!
Best of luck to us all and big hugs and kisses to everyone who never gives up on themselves..
Have a Great Saturday and please stay strong and safe..
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
This morning I awake at 6am and start the day.
I'm in great spirits, looks like the Mania is kicking in full effect. I'm on top of the world. Depression is a thing of the past.
My weight is still at 110lbs but I know I can bring this down, and I will.
Coffee is brewing and supps are taken. I stare at my body today and see all of the problem areas. I start to think about nudity and will I ever feel comfortable enough to let someone else see me. What would they think, would they point out my flaws too?
My daughter is taken to school and I feel great, makeup on my face and 70 degrees outside.
My crush says hello to me and I smile silently back.
I'm tired of mixed signals and so I've decided that desire will stay as just that.
He is not the one for me, not this man. I know there is one out there and the I'll be at 100% when the time comes.
I'm tired of having my time wasted. I'm better than this.
I head back home and actually sleep.
Noon rolls around and I'm poked awake.
My husband tries to touch my face and I turn away. He opts to rub my back instead, he looks at me with sad eyes..
"I'm lonely." he simply states.
Now you know how I feel.
I'm lonely too. I can't bear it.
You're still young, you should find a woman who shares your interest, you should be happy with someone else.
He pleads his case and wishes we would stay together, he wishes I loved him still.
He doesn't understand how much I've changed. How much I've lost because of one affair. Things were stolen from me, my eyes were made aware of how bad men can really be. How they like to take from you, in all aspects.
I'm all grown up now..
He is sorry, that's all he can say.
I want to be happy, my therapist even suggested to me that I meet someone else.
My husband throws words around like "open marriage"- I disagree.
It's not fair to the one I want to love, that's not life.
It will get easier I assure him, we can be civil.
He cries now because the change is scary, when you've known someone for more than a decade, the gap that awaits seems bigger.
We have ties and bonds, but these things can only hold for so long.
Love is the thing that keeps you going, it is the thing to aspire for and even can save you. That is the most important part of any relationship, once that is gone, there is nothing left. I've checked out of this marriage four years ago, he's just stepped back in. I have nothing to give, I can only be selfish now and want to fix me, fix my damaged soul, lose more weight.
I want to get better, I want to start again.
Our talk is long and clear, I'm very happy today, nothing he says even brings tears to my eyes. Nothing he says persuades me otherwise, my mind is made up and there it stays, I am a stubborn creature.
I am ready to move on.
So we wait, we will split when I start my meds and find work.
When I am financially capable, he will move out.
"I will always, always be here for you, no matter what you need. I will always be around." he looks at me with certainty, its nice.
I hope I can hold him to this. We shall see.
He knows where I stand and how I feel, there is no other new way to tell him the same thing. It's time to let me go.
He'll be okay, he just has to believe it.
My daughter is home from school and we have a project to do. I'm doing so much today, I feel hyper.
I made her Steak and White rice for dinner, she was all too happy.
So the Make a bunny out of cotton balls project it is..
Yes, not much going on today I'm afraid.
I ate one small banana (100) and had a Vanilla flavored Muscle Milk shake (220), burned 500 calories on the elliptical.
My right Kidney hurts real bad today, hurts to sit and walk. My chest hurts too, It feels like a strain. I hate these aches and pains, makes me think I will drop dead soon!
I feel fat and hate the way I look. I don't know if this ol' body of mines will ever be how I like it. I just want it toned more than anything; tight. I'm losing muscle mass, I hate it.
How can I ever let anyone else see it in this current condition? I look like a blob.
I'll either be too skinny or too fat?
There is no happy medium. Who in the world is going to want me!
Rejection is awful, it's the thing I loathe the most.
I could point out so many things that need fixing, it feels like its taking forever to change. Why can't I see progress, why can't I see what I want. Disordered vision clouds me, I can't trust what I see.
Will I ever be happy with this body, any weight?
I think not.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
10:50am at the shrinks office and I'm sleepy.
Another restless night for me, there isn't a day that has gone by where I wake up reinvigorated, I always have a headache now.
My copy of WASTED lies quietly at the bottom of my purse. I want to whip it out and finish where I left off but I'm afraid someone will ask me what I'm reading..
They will see me and make the connection, then the jig will be up.
Everyone will just look at me and just know, there's the girl who's weird about food.
How simple to just throw me into a category like that, to just assume everything is food related. How stupid and ignorant to even think that about me.
My sister once said to me,
"My body is like Jessica Rabbit; your body is like a stick.."
To someone else that may have been offensive, sounding like an insult even.
Not to me, I smile to myself and think,
I want to look like a stick. I want to look endogenous.
It takes a lot to even achieve that, not everyone can. That is an accomplishment in itself.
I wonder if an outsider can even try to live like I do on a daily basis, do the things I do, think as I do.
I don't think anyone could survive, I sometimes wonder how I manage. I must be part armadillo, my skin thick as armour. I am special and scary all at the same time.
My therapist is running late, she's not even here yet, stuck in traffic I'm afraid.
My case manager called me this morning, he'll see me next week, he's taking me to a special clinic for medical exams and such. He's even looking into my housing case to see what can be done, see what it takes to get me moved perhaps? if not at least to ask alot of questions.
Good news so far it seems..
I woke up this morning in tears.
I'm disgusted and fed up with my body. Why can't I lose this weight.
It seems so simple but it isn't. This depression spell isn't going away and its sidetracking me from really losing, from getting pushed and doing everything I should and more.
The sadness is overbearing, the loneliness I feel is awful.
I try to think back to a time when I was never this way, there is none.
It's a part of me, a part of my makeup. I think it's the thing that drives me and keeps me going, these little sad vacations. These small tearful timeouts. Maybe this is what has prolonged my life even?
I hate the sight of me today, I wish I was dead.
I finish my shower, the hot water never hot enough for me, although my skin is bright pink with burns.
I guess I keep expecting something to burn and fall away, maybe the old me, revealing a new hopeful one. It never happens.
I have coffee brewing and check the calender today to make sure there is school-yes there is!
I find parking this morning and make my way over to the crowded entrance. Moms everywhere, most seem happy, normal even, jobs and lives that go on after this. I take a look at myself and feel pitiful. I don't even come close.
My daughter is sleepy today and can't stop rubbing her eyes. She hugs me alot this morning and sneaks little smiles at her friends passing by.
To be so little and untarnished, to love someone entirely and trust them. To love your Mom no matter what, even if she's always sad and quiet. I wish I could love like that again.
I look over at my crush who looks very thin and tan today.
I think his rosy cheeks are from a beach filled weekend. He has a fresh haircut and shave. I wonder if its all for a woman?
Could be, men have it so easy, they have to just point and pick, they can say I chose you..
Sometimes they want more than one even, and there lies the trouble.
It would be lovely to enjoy a day at the beach, but I can never enjoy going anywhere without working it out first in my head.
I'm a bore nowadays.
My daughter is finally inside the school and I'm off back home to get ready to see the shrink.
A banana and a bottle of water are in my purse.
I wait in the cold office for an hour. My husband is off somewhere, surely home asleep.
How lucky to sleep, how rich that must feel.
Finally I'm called inside my therapist office and we begin.
Our talk seems fast today, maybe the time seems that way to me because my mind is so preoccupied.
She is all smiles and positivity today and I both love and hate it.
My insurance is back on and reinstated in 45 days, my therapist tells me this means she will not be with me any longer, they will switch her, I will see a new shrink next month. I don't like this one bit.
It makes me not want to invest time in her, makes me think what is the point.
She won't prescribe me anything yet, more sessions, more talking.
I feel hopeless, as I listen to her go on and on about me changing my way of thinking, I think to myself,
My God I am doomed.
She even gives me a worksheet of mantras and things to start the process.
I know she means well and I'm sure all of these things she says mean something to someone who can grasp the material, but I cannot. I nod my head and agree to it all. After our session I walk downstairs and out the building, round the corner and start to sob where no one can see.
I cry into my hands and feel alone and hopeless.
I have no relief.
I know that this is only our second session, and I need to keep going back, I know that this will work.
I cry because part of me is in denial, there is a part of me that is scared to get better. What happens afterwards?
Can I really live again, I've been sick so long, I know nothing else, will I even know what normal feels like, will I be able to recognize it when it happens?
I cry because she has hit nerves, she has given me tools to start getting better and I'm scared to start using them, because in doing so means I will have to hurt others. I will have to put myself first.
I feel both free and trapped all at the same time.
I know the things that I have to start doing but my feet feel like they are embedded in cement.
I let the anguish out for a little while more and smoke a cigarette. The head rush is relaxing.
I call my husband to pick me up.
"You're done already?" his tone sounds mocking to me.
Come and get me, I have to come back next week.
As I wait for my husband I stare across the street. There is a Publix and a restaurant that sells food by the pound.
I only have 3 pitiful dollars on me. If I had more then I would be binging.
Rice and Meat, or any other plate, soda too.
I have none, nothing to do now but stare and wish. Mia can make it better and worse, the cycle could start again.
I'm glad I have no money for once, temptation stays as just that.
My husband picks me up and sees my distress.
"Did she make you cry? What did you say?" he asks in that same tone. I know he's curious, he wonders what my secrets are. The months of silence, the harboring of another life I lead.
I tell him its the depression, I tell him nothing.
It's private, its mine and I deserve it.
I'm done sharing and caring; the question and answer portion of this program are over.
I'm less dehydrated, I pee so much now, it's great. I'm hungry so I have some chicken noodles. It's 240 calories a packet, I have less than half of that. I drink water with it and maybe a cup of coffee later.
I don't know if I'll have anything else.
I just want to taste something salty and savory today, a hot meal.
The rain has started now and it's nice. Feels like my mood. If I could nap I would, but I'll workout instead.
I'll read the worksheet later and try to let it sink in. I feel ready to get better.
I will get over this depression too, I think very soon.
I will be okay this I know, I always am. I will push through the problems and find my strength again.
I will lose this weight too. I know I can, I have to just apply myself, I am my own biggest obstacle.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
This took forever to upload!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
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