Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I got drunk Sunday night, Got drunk Monday night,
Tuesday new Shrink..Hmm I'll tell you about it later.
Wednesday I'm getting Drunk, so sorry I'm an awful Blogger, I'm fat and feeling like shit.
I wish I could write what I'm truly feeling but I can't because I have no privacy. I wanna cry and write but I can't here.
I'm sorry to say this next statement and please forgive me for being so selfish, but I wish I was dead.
I wish I had the guts to end it all already, I'm sooooooo tired.
I know suicide is selfish, but sometimes I just wish I wasn't here.
Happy Tuesday and I have been talking again, since Sunday, I'm pathetic right?
I'm letting this bozo right back into my life.
I'm gonna elaborate more on Friday's Vlog about everything I promise.
I'm just going through a rough time right now with Mia, a real rough time.
I'm a failure.
I wish i was dead.
I'm so sorry guys, I wish I could be more upbeat or positive, but its too much.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
There isn't much to say.
Monday was a b/p party and only I was invited. The loot bags consisted of laxatives and water pills.
The pinata was me.
The only good thing out of Monday or any day for that matter is talking to The Boy.
Today I actually slept till 1pm; first Tuesday in a long time that I was able to do that. No shrink anymore, didn't have to get up and do anything at all.
I admit I'm still sad about it.
I'm dizzy today and very drained, I still found energy to workout though, that never fails.
My period is here and its horrible, I'm bloated bitchy and crappy, if I was four more things you'd think I was part of the seven PMS dwarfs.
The Boy is off today and trying to cheer me up as best he can. He mentioned the apartment again wishing more than anything for us to live together. he doesn't like to see me sad and believes if we were together I would never be sad again. He even thinks my eating would improve.
When I think of him I don't picture ED with me. So even though its nothing more than wishful thinking it feels amazing.
After b/p episode 2 today my Case Manager finally calls me after Idk how long on hiatus, and tells me to head to the clinic and let them know that I haven't been assigned a new therapist yet. I mentioned to her about looking for a job and she suggested a Uniform factory job she knows of that's in need of workers. I have no idea what I would be doing there, when she mentioned this job prospect to me, the image of me being glued in front of a sewing machine in a factory with dirt for floors and stained windows popped in my head.
I hope its just my imagination running away with me again.
Happy Tuesday and I are not on speaking terms.
His Roomate/Ex is getting to me already. I caught him in a lie, apparently he went down on her.
Oral is considered sex to me, the fact that he lied about it and tried to reason it somehow pissed me off.
I told him that I could no longer see him. He said he didn't care if we were never intimate again but that he wanted me to still be his friend, that my friendship means the world to him.
Pffffft! I'm done with him-Lou out!
I'm tired and have enough on my plate without him and his Ex that looks just like Sponge Bob Squarepant's best friend Patrick Star..
This week is shaping up to be b/p, school projects and plenty of tampons.
I had a protein shake today, kept it down. I still taste it in my mouth even though I brushed my teeth four times. I'm out of laxatives, not happy.
I guess I'll rack up on some again tomorrow.
I feel like I want to cry but no tears come out.
I have this lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow.
I'm getting stuck again in the behaviors and bad mindset, the self loathing.
My face is a mess, I've been picking at it constantly. My husband made a remark today.
"What's wrong with your face? looks like you got in a fight."
I told him that I feel stressed out hence the picking. If he wanted a fight I'd be more than happy to give him one, remarks like that are just up that alley.
I feel so guilty eating now.
I want to eat some Sunflower seeds and I have that voice telling me how much I would regret it tomorrow.
I feel like b/p again. I'm running outta stuff, still no stove.
Cereal and milk are getting boring.
Pancakes are outta the question, I shudder thinking about bringing all that up.
I cut all my nails off, too much scratching in the back of my throat. My glands are swollen and my face looks like a volleyball.
So I think that's it, I've officially become boring.
I'm going to bed.
Hope you all are well and good luck.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Well it's official, my Shrink just called me to tell me that she can no longer see me.
My insurance refuses to pay and she has no choice but to transfer me and five other patients of hers somewhere else. I can't even see her next Tuesday to say goodbye.
I am so sad.
How am I supposed to just start all over again with someone else?
How can I? Why should I!!
She was the only person I trusted..Smdh
Happy Tuesday is of no help, he snubbed me last night and today half way in a conversation for his Ex/Roomate. She has a new car and is randomly popping up to check on him all of a sudden. Yesterday he was chatting with me and taking far too long to respond back, I asked him if he was busy and his answer was
"No I'm not, but I'm also chatting chit chatting with this chick."
Oh you mean that chick.
Today she called to say she was gonna stop by his mother's house where he is all dam day *coughs inaudible word-Mama's Boy!* to swim in the pool. Wow the good life, sounds like a fun afternoon. I told him I had to go, why was I gonna keep talking to him? Sounds like his day just got cozier. Don't let me interrupt.
I don't wanna talk to him for awhile, let's see how long I can ignore and avoid him.
Maybe if I'm ever in need of more jack rabbit sex.. I'll call you, don't call me.
The Boy is at work and trying his best to comfort me, I told him that my Therapist was the only person who I trusted and one of the few people who I actually could really be myself with. We were making progress.
Now I have no one.
"You have me." he says. Three little words that practically echoed on the screen.
Yes I do, I'm glad for that..
He's trying to just be there in his own way and tell me that things will get better.
I know he doesn't understand, how could he. Part of him may understand the loneliness I feel on a daily basis because he feels that too.
It's one reason I think why we clicked so fast, because we both are alone all day.
All he does is work, moving to a new city has left him with no real friends. His mother and her new boyfriend don't sound like much help, they should have their own reality show let's just put it that way.
They are milking him dry and making him flip the bill for most of their lifestyle. It's so unfair.
I'm basically the only person he really has outside of work. He's very sweet and is one of those people who would give you his last dollar in his wallet if that could help you out in any way.
I wish I could get my act together and just say to hell with this place and move somewhere with him and start all over.
Of course things feel hard for me, I feel like I take steps forward only to be knocked back into my rightful pitiful place again.
I've only taken one Buspar pill today, yesterday too. The headaches are still there but not as potent.
Guess who else is here, name rhyme's with Cha Cha Cha Chia!
Ah its Old Girl and she wants to play some today.
I think I will.
I don't deserve any better than to stay sick and miserable.
So I'm going to head to the market and rack up on junk food and boxes of laxatives. Thank God tomorrow is Friday cus I'm gonna be sick all weekend long.
Hello Ed, Hello Mia!
Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuuumble!
Do you fantasize about arriving to your wedding in a horse drawn carriage, or is running around the house in heels normal for you? Before the days of 3D animation, we grew up watching a good old fashion fairy tale in front of the TV, probably while wearing a Belle or Cinderella t-shirt. Which Disney movie did you wear out in your VCR? Your favorite princess could have influenced the 20-something you are today.
Belle from Beauty and the Beast
Like Belle, you judge a guy by his personality and not merely what he looks like. Plus, you’ve always been a patient person and usually give people the benefit of the doubt. That sometimes leads you to get screwed, but your motto still remains, ‘The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward!’
Snow White from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
You’re a woman who can hold her own in a group of men. If you’re a Snow White, your fearless attitude will lead to a successful career because you’ve mastered the art of getting what you want. (Remember how Snow White forced those dwarfs to be clean and civilized?) Just beware of the Grumpies who you’ll inevitably bump into on your ascend to the top…deep down, they’re putty in your hands.
Ariel from The Little Mermaid
Like Ariel, you’re willing to create your own path to happiness. Your less conventional ideas may not always comply with your family’s expectations, but nevertheless, you get them to understand you–even if they don’t necessarily agree. And we have a sneaky feeling that you’re probably the best swimmer you know.
Jasmine from Aladdin
Jasmine has a penchant for doing the exact opposite of what people expect her to do, and admit it, you’ve got a streak of that in you, too. This minor dose of rebel allows you to think outside the box, making you brilliant at giving advice. How many times have your friends told you, ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
Pocahontas from Pocahontas
Much like our beloved Native American princess, you have a firm appreciation for different cultures and a kickass sense of adventure. Riding a camel through the Egyptian dessert? You’re game. Going on an African safari? Even better. No one could ever accuse you of being boring.
Cinderella from Cinderella
Cinderella may have been dealt a crappy hand in life (dead parents followed by forced cohabitation with an evil step family), but like you, she’s not overwhelmed by the tough times. You both have a core group of loyal friends…and a closet filled with fabulous heels.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday was a snooze, Monday's are mundane indeed.
My daughter needed new school shoes and I needed to get out of this house. My husband was still asleep unknowing of my plans for tomorrow.
Happy Tuesday wants to see me, I agreed asking once, twice and thrice if he was sure, after the last time being stood up was not taken well.
He reassured me that things were different this time so I believed him.
On Monday I got everything ready, the outfit I wanted to wear, the lingerie, I even cookies bought coloring books and baked cookies for his stepson. I felt bad for the kid, he was getting the boot for a day so I could visit in peace.
I knew of this shoe store downtown that I thought would have a pair of shoes for my kid, so later on that same day my husband accompanied me there.
On the way I snapped some pics of this New Sculpture put up in a park near Bayside, then I circled three full parking lots in search of the closest spot available.
Finally a spot!
I park and we mosey on window shopping before entering the shoe store.
*Deep Sigh* So many stores and one in particular with the prettiest dress I ever saw, I asked my husband if we could pop in for a minute and I saw that look he gets in his eye when he doesn't want to sit in a chair with my purse in his lap while I go and try on clothes.
I just wanted the one dress..
I skim through the sizes and find a XS, the material of the dress was suppose to hug your body or so I thought.
In the changing room and I couldn't believe the dress fit me all wrong, an XS and it still didn't fit right. I shook my head and stared in the mirror disappointed while my husband told me to get the smallest size available to which I replied I did!
I'm too skinny for the dress?
Shopping for clothes was fun once upon a time.
The Jr.'s Department isn't exactly where I want to find clothes, sometimes its hard to get something that fits in a Woman's size. So it's official now, I'm being forced back into adolescence wearing kid's clothes.
The shoe store was having a sale and unfortunately they didn't have the shoe I wanted to get for my daughter in her size. Maybe in another week I was told, in the meantime my husband and I tried on shoes.
I found some cute sandals to match my outfit while my husband snatched up a pair of white tennis shoes.
Later while heading back to the parking lot there was a purse I saw and had to get. It cheered me up from the failed dress fiasco.
The rest of my day was spent getting ready for tomorrow, gas in the car, hair dyed, purse packed. I was getting nervous.
I told my husband I was going to visit a friend who just had a baby. He didn't really like the idea but he had no choice in the matter.
Tuesday at 6am my day starts. A quick workout followed by a meticulous shower.
I dress my daughter for school and we're off.
On the way back home the building's Maintenance men approach inform me they will be heading up to work on my apartment.
My husband was still asleep when there was a sharp loud knock on the door.
So it starts.
While the men began installing a new bathroom sink and retouching paint in my apartment, I continued to get things ready for my departure. My husband was not too happy being not only woken up but also asked to move furniture around so they could paint.
I said my goodbye at 10:30 and was off to see my shrink.
I'm ready Skinny Bitch again and my shrink is twenty minutes late.
I spoke to Happy Tuesday who confirmed my visit, I wanted to be outta here by 12.
Finally my shrink arrives out of breath and sporting a smile.
Our session runs good and she saves the bad news for last.
The clinic is thinking of separating the insured patients from the uninsured ones, that means some people may have to get new shrinks.
Guess who one of those people is?
My shrink told me that she was going to delay her paperwork as much as possible, but inevitably they were gonna split us up.
Why am always losing people I care about the most.
My heart is broken, I can't even conceive starting over again with someone else.
I may have to reconsider therapy altogether.
After the session ends at 12:15, I walk to my car and take the Buspar which I was saving for the long drive to see Happy Tuesday.
The anxiety attack was coming on already.
The long drive felt like it took forever, at one point in the day it started to rain, while I was slowing down at a light and then starting up again on green, my car slowed down for a minute.
My heart dropped to my stomach and I was so far away, I was praying that this car wouldn't cut off. I wouldn't even know of what to say if I broke down so far from home and nowhere near the vicinity of where my friend with the baby lived.
The car stayed on and I think it was just the wheel traction on account of the rain and the now slippery street.
I drove like an old lady after that, let's just say I saw a lot of birds that day.
I get a phone call from Happy Tuesday to let me know that he left the gate open for me to park my car?
I've always parked in the front?
When I get there I pull inside the driveway and my little car is hidden from prying eyes.
Apparently the whole charade is so his Roommate/Ex-Girlfriend/Girl he is actually in love with doesn't drive by and see my bug.
I don't get those two, they are not in a relationship yet she is jealous and possessive of him and knows who I am plus hates my guts.
If I didn't give a shit this might of actually bothered me.
I sit in his living room while he popped in the shower for a minute, on the couch I flip through channels and land on not only Showtime but the movie Talahina Sky!! I manage to catch the ending.
Omg I need to see this in its entirety! Its for sale on Amazon now I think? or was that in November?
After an hour of talking or catching up we finally go upstairs.
The last time I was here was completely different.
Happy Tuesday was enjoying himself, I on the other hand well..
I'm not as hung up on him as before. It didn't feel like before.
Part of me wanted to feel something more for him but I couldn't.
Simply put, The Boy was all I could think about.
Being with Happy Tuesday only confirmed how much I cared about him.
During periods of down time, we started talking about this and that, Happy Tuesday called me by his Ex's name by mistake and quickly apologized.
It didn't bother me, he started asking about The Boy so I told him. I think he's jealous. My phone starts ringing and its my husband..I hesitate to call him back but eventually do.
He tells me to talk to my daughter because she's in hysterics. My daughter is on the other end of the line in tears and missing me. I calm her down and inform her that I was going home soon, I distract her by asking what color was the bathroom. She finally is okay and I tell my husband I'll be home later.
I left his house around 5pm and popped another Buspar, I had a horrible headache coming on again and the drive home was better, I felt good. I pull into a McDonald's and buy a kid's meal, that should cheer my kid right up. I can't even remember whens the last time she ate this.
My husband was home with my daughter and the bathroom was not only fixed but now painted a baby blue.
I talk my husband's ear off and she made a comment on my demeanor.
"You look happy, I think this medication is helping."
My husband hugs me and sniffs my hair.
"You smell good."
I'm not nervous at all, but a small part of me wondered if he could smell the other man on me.
We continue the rest of the night in a pleasant atmosphere, then my husband stuffed from the baked Chicken and potatoes decides to go for a long walk with my daughter.
I'm left all alone and The Boy is online and IM'n me.
We cam for a little nit and he starts to pick at me because I have a Hello Kitty throw around me.
He says when we live together I have to keep the Pepto Bismol pink to a normal minimum.
I bust out laughing and tell him there will be a pink item in every room of the house.
I missed him alot and wish more than anything that we could live together. I feel safe with him, he's not a liar, what you see is what you get. He says what he means, and means what he says.
When I'm done camming and just in time my husband arrives and its baths and then bedtime for us three.
Today I've spent the day catching up on Big Brother, tonight's the Season Finale :(
I'm off to workout now before turning in.
My husband is at work and I'm tired and nauseous. The Buspar is kicking my ass but I'm going longer periods without taking it. I start to take it only when I feel the anxiety coming on instead of just taking it period. I'm going to try it for a little while longer and see what happens.
The Wellbutrin is fantastic so far, no side effects and I haven't broken down or curled up into the fetal position lately.
I'll tty all tomorrow. I had a Gatorade and a Nutrament shake today and I need to burn it off before I start over thinking the calories and possible weight gain.
I hope you all are well and please be safe.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Here's the link to CrazyMeds which tells you about side effects of all the colorful medication prescribed to us.
Find your Med and be suprised and what they don't tell you.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I'm always looking for new workout routines, so this is Ideal for me because its something I can try at home.
Yoga 101: 7 Poses for Beginners
- Stand tall with feet together, shoulders relaxed, weight evenly distributed through your soles, arms at sides.
- Take a deep breath and raise your hands overhead, palms facing each other with arms straight. Reach up toward the sky with your fingertips.
- Start on all fours with hands directly under shoulders, knees under hips.
- Walk hands a few inches forward and spread fingers wide, pressing palms into mat.
- Curl toes under and slowly press hips toward ceiling, bringing your body into an inverted V, pressing shoulders away from ears. Feet should be hip-width apart, knees slightly bent.
- Hold for 3 full breaths
- Stand with legs 3 to 4 feet apart, turning right foot out 90 degrees and left foot in slightly.
- Bring your hands to your hips and relax your shoulders, then extend arms out to the sides, palms down.
- Bend right knee 90 degrees, keeping knee over ankle; gaze out over right hand. Stay for 1 minute.
- Switch sides and repeat.
- Stand with arms at sides.
- Shift weight onto left leg and place sole of right foot inside left thigh, keeping hips facing forward.
- Once balanced, bring hands in front of you in prayer position, palms together.
- On an inhalation, extend arms over shoulders, palms separated and facing each another. Stay for 30 seconds.
- Lower and repeat on opposite side.
- Make it easier: Bring your right foot to the inside of your left ankle, keeping your toes on the floor for balance. As you get stronger and develop better balance, move your foot to the inside of your left calf.
- Lie on floor with knees bent and directly over heels.
- Place arms at sides, palms down. Exhale, then press feet into floor as you lift hips.
- Clasp hands under lower back and press arms down, lifting hips until thighs are parallel to floor, bringing chest toward chin. Hold for 1 minute.
- Make it easier: Place a stack of pillows underneath your tailbone
- Extend arms out to sides, then bend over your right leg.
- Stand with feet about 3 feet apart, toes on your right foot turned out to 90 degrees, left foot to 45 degrees.
- Allow your right hand to touch the floor or rest on your right leg below or above the knee, and extend the fingertips of your left hand toward the ceiling.
- Turn your gaze toward the ceiling, and hold for 5 breaths.
- Stand and repeat on opposite side.
- Get into downward dog position (palms pressed into mat, feet hip-width apart) and walk feet forward until knees touch your arms.
- Bend your elbows, lift heels off floor, and rest knees against the outside of your upper arms. Keep toes on floor, abs engaged and legs pressed against arms. Hold for 5 to 10 breaths.