Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Pancake Day

Today was National pancake Day.
Oh my.

My daughter kept reminding me all week long about this, and in the morning as we're walking to school she begs me to get her out  early so we could go sooner rather than later to IHOP.
I tell her I'd see, after dropping her off at school I had other things to do.

I wake up at 6am in a foul mood.
I weigh and I'm back at a safe weight. I should be happier but my latest run in with b/p has left me with a warped state of mind, I'm loathing the sight of my body and wish I weighed less, considerably less.
I hate when I get like this.

I'm also a mess today because I have to see my Slumlord. I need to surrender the old apartment keys and clean up. I'm worried about my deposit, what if my Slumlord won't return my full amount?

I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach last night, I stayed up late and only managed an hour's sleep.
In addition to drinking I was actually writing letters to some of you.
I checked my old mailbox and found it stuffed with letters and postcards.
Thank you all for writing such encouraging words to me. It helped lift my spirits. I feel less alone when you guys reach out through comments or post.
I'll try to get some mail out this week for you.

At the old apartment and my Husband is off today. He and I get into it because me giving up the old apt means he has to go.
I clean and get more emotional than ever in the process. I finally just give up and leave things as best I could. I can't control the outcome. I worry too much, I'm actually embarassed sometimes that the dumbmest things make me cry.

My husband leaves the apartment loading his car with all he owns. I head to the office to see my landlord.
Tomorrow she will inspect my unit and based on what she finds, will determine my deposit amount.

I drive to my daughter's school and get her out early. She is happy.
The drive to IHOP cheers me up, usually I'd be panicking by now about eating, but today is one of those days where the b/p actually make me feel better

 I binged a lot today.
I'm really tired now as I write this.
I'll try to write a better post tomorrow, maybe do a Before and After pic post so you all can see my new place.

*Periodot and others*
My new address is 429 Sw 8ct #1
Miami, Fl 33130
You can send things here.

I'm gonna call it a night, tomorrow will be better.
Hope you all are well and Thank You once again for reaching out.

Sunday, February 26, 2012


Finally I have Internet access again! I was so lost w/o it. I was begging for free Wifi signals instead of spare change on the streets..

Monday, February 20, 2012

Page 404 not found

I have no Internet.
I'm blogging from McDonald's.

Let's get to it..
No Internet, I can't afford it right now.
I haven't found work yet so I have to live off $70.00 a week.
I can afford my rent, light, and cat food.
I don't have a phone, all I have is my free government issued phone that runs on minutes.
Everyone has been speaking to me less in order to save my minutes.

I has failed.
I have been Bp all weekend long.
After forty something days sobriety I blew it.
I'm a failure.

I am depressed.
I forgot what living alone feels like.
I am sad in the day and scared at night.
My insomnia is at its worse.
I'm so paranoid.
I've been taking my meds but it's not helping.
I don't know how to get back to that positive place.

I think I've covered it all.
I'll try to blog here and there but don't worry I won't disappear.
I will miss reading your blogs and that connection that we all shared in our common struggle to beat Ed.
I hope you will all be safe.
Thanks for being there for me and being so supportive, it means the world to me in ways I can't explain.

Please keep in touch through snail mail, I'll write back I promise.
You can send me letters to the old address all my mail is getting forwarded to the new place who's zip code I can't remember now.

Lulu Morales
1400 Sw 5 St
Apt 22
Miami, Fl 33135

Hope to hear from you all.
Take everyone and farewell for now.
I'll be back.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


This morning it's 50 degrees out.
The cold in Florida is unbearable for me.
The day of my clinic visit, for my labs, I met a man who was a native Canadian. He said he loved winters in Toronto. He conversed with me for a complete hour.
Now he's a native Floridian, has been here a complete decade, he loves Miami as do I of course. I take such pride in my City, there's no place like it.
He also has found a spot in his heart for my city. He goes on to say that in all his time experiencing a "real winter" he never imagined himself uttering the following statement..
"I'm done with Winter. I'm used to Florida winters, if the temp drops 70 or less, I can't take it. It's funny because I grew up in zero temps."
I found that adorable.
It's also reassuring to know that other people feel as I do concerning the weather.
Today is such an example. We're in February and getting such odd temperatures.
I only hope it doesn't last long.

I'm in a foul mood this morning.
Last night my husband and I got into a bad argument. Lines were crossed and things were said, of course abuse was the main ingredient.
He was drunk and so was I.
I didn't eat yesterday.
The wine hit me hard.
After our fight I told my husband to go fuck himself and move out.
He told me to find someone to help me move, he wasn't going to help me do anything anymore.

This morning before I wake my kid up for school, I started my own morning routine.
After I weigh, I can't take it anymore.
I'm officially back at an "OK" maintaining weight. The maximum allowed for myself. I'm back up to 110lbs.
I'm at war with myself today. I feel disgusting and huge. I know it could be worse but I just can't fathom how I got back up to this weight, I know it's not accurate with my bad digestion and all.
Still I feel like I want to self destruct.
Today is day 42.

It's not getting easier.
I REALLY want to b/p.

Here I am at the crossroads..
Do I take my meds or do something else.
I have a bottle of Diet Pills.
It's either or.

I skip my meds. That makes 3 days no meds.
I take the Diet Pill.
It will make me hyper and jittery but I don't care.
I feel FAT and worthless.
I feel like I deserve nothing.

I do the morning routine then drop my kid off at school.
When I get back, my Husband is asleep and I load my beetle with stuff. I plan to move, I don't care if I'm the one to do it all.
I'm determined to show everyone I will make it on my own.

After my first trip to the apt, I head to run errands.
When I return back home my husband is gone.
My older brother happens to call me.
He and I talk before he informs me that he is actually downstairs.
I let him up and tell him about my fight.
"I have my gun in the car." my brother reassures me.
All of my siblings own guns.
That's actually the norm here.
Guns are a part of my life. I don't own one because my Husband won't have it.
I don't know why it's so acceptable, but it is. We were raised to show no fear.
I think sometimes If I hadn't been so manipulated by my Husband I'd be like my other kin and have more of a backbone.

My brother means to use it if necessary. He is trigger happy.
My older brother helps me move today.

My husband returns at some point and falls fast asleep in the bed.
He has no idea my brother is here.
We move everything in silence.

At some point in the day my brother mistakenly packs my uncles urn in a box.
I throw other things in the same box.
My brother flips the box upside down for a better grip and we get bombarded with the sound of rocks sliding against the cardboard.
"Macho!!" my brother and I say in Unison.
We both thought his Urn spilled open.
My brother flipped the box back on its bottom and we looked in horror expecting white ash to saturate the floor, instead pink rocks littered everything.
My daughter's Beta fish bowl was the culprit.
My Uncle was safe.

After an hour of moving my Husband wakes up and gives my older Brother his best fake smile.

I'm so tired,
forgive me, I'm trying to Blog but you know how it goes.
We move almost everything. My brother is tired and has to go back home.

I get all I can done.
Tomorrow I will organize the rest.

My dear readers..
I feel very sad.
Maybe it's the not taking of meds, or weight gain, holiday or all of the above?
I don't know how much longer I can go like this.

I wish I could go away somewhere.
I really wish I could just not care.
You ever heard that saying about someone being damaged?
Someone actually was the reason behind your bitterness or cyniciscm.
I feel like that, like my Husband may scar me, deter me from love and  romanticism.
I feel like I should just keep to myself.
Boo feelings.

Ah whatever, head out the Clouds Lou.
I'm going to head to bed.
Long day tomorrow.
Nite all.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Gah Moving

Friday, February 10, 2012

Papa was a rolling stone..

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I love getting poked but this is ridiculous

The morning is cool and there is an overcast, rain sprinkles lightly and form puddles in the misshapen street..

Another long day for me as the alarm clock buzzes.
I stay in the cold bed for five more minutes before dragging myself up.
The scale awaits me in the next room. I could avoid it altogether and not weigh but that won't happen. I guess I like to torture myself.
I undress and weigh.
I feel like crying.
What am I doing?

Day 37 and I feel no better.
Keeping  food down is making me miserable.
I wish I could just accept this and feel good but I don't.
God help me, I don't know how to be okay with food anymore.

After I take my kid to school, I keep driving to the clinic, my appointment is at nine, but maybe they can see me sooner.

I ring the little bell and wait for the receptionist behind the blurry glass partition to answer.
"Good Morning, Labs?" her smile is all too sinister me thinks.
Yeah I'm here to see the I mean nurse.
I sit and wait, but not long.
I'm called in and taken to the room in the back of the clinic.
Why are the labs always done in back rooms or the lowest floor of a building?
Is it to keep the blood fresh or a contamination thing, or just plain seedy like a black market organ operation..

My nurse always manages to compliment me on my arms.
"You have good veins, they stand out against your pale complexion. Makes my job easier." she laughs.
Then she says this.
"Oh and we're going to draw a lot of blood, like a LOT."
I figured as much.
My stomach makes gurgle noises in the silence of the laboratory. I hate when that happens.
"I'm sorry you had to skip breakfast, but can't take your blood if you've eaten. You can have something after we're done, this won't take long." she goes on to say.
I'm not squeamish when it comes to needles. The sight of blood is not shocking to me.
I kinda like needles, I didn't mind her sticking me, I could have sat there all day.
We made small talk about the Dr.
It was his birthday today, the staff was planning to give him a cake but he's not really into sweet cakes.
I suggested a carrot cake, it's not so sweet.
She thought that idea was brilliant and would go to Publix herself and place the order.

After my blood was stolen to be studied, I would get a call back in a few days for my results.
My husband calls me on my way to the car to ask what are we doing today.
Today I want to go and try to find furniture for my daughter's room.
There's a store I've seen ads for that has me curious.
I managed to find four pieces of white furniture for 80$ total.
There are still a few things I need to pickup for her room, but I'm running on limited funds so have to shop around.
On the way out from the store, there was this an older man pushing a baby stroller riddled with books and something else..
My daughter would have flipped.

 He was actually selling them at 50$ a piece.
Too cute.
I can't have a dog otherwise I'd take that stroller books and all off his hands.
I've been moving things little by little, but I haven't been too productive today.
I'm really tired, took a nap earlier.
I feel drained.
My head is filled with conflicting chatter and I feel defeated almost.
I'm feeling the loneliness with each trip to my new apartment, the separation is real. I will have to pull my act together to make this all work. It is what I 've decided and it's the right choice.
My ED is just taking away the concentration I need, it's taking away my focus and drive.
It's replacing it with body dysmorphia and self loathing. Isolating me and making me feel worthless.
I hate this ED so much.

I want to drink real bad.
I have nothing here and it's pouring really hard outside so going anywhere is out of the question.
I just wanted to get wastey pants and work on the novel. The drinking helps for some reason.
I guess I'll just cut my loses and call it a night.
Hope I can sleep with all this confounded talking in my head.
Tomorrow is another long day for me.
Nite everyone,
take care <3

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Eh what's up doc?

I have a parent/teacher meeting this morning at 7:45, afterwards it's the dreaded clinic.
I'm up at six and feeling a little better, no let me rephrase that, I'm nervous and anxious which has replaced the ED bullcrap chatter.
After my shower I wake my kid up and we get the morning routine going. My husband hung over crawls out of bed at 7:30 and reeks of alcohol.
A few people have told him already to slow down with the drinking, he does it everyday now. I know alcohol is very difficult to stop, but he can try at least to cut back.

My daughter's teacher is actually nice today, she usually has this pissed look about her, makes it hard to approach her because you just don't know what she'll say in return. That wasn't the case today.
She tells both my husband and I something we didn't want to hear..
She said that ever since my daughter got back from Christmas break her demeanor has completely changed.
"It's like she's a whole other kid, I don't know what happened? Her average in my class has dropped down 16%"
My daughter is a wiz at Math, Science and Art.
It's Reading and Writing she's flunking in.
The teacher knows she's smart and it's not that she doesn't know how to do the work, the teacher thinks it's an attitude thing.
"Your daughter knows how to spell and write out sentences, but refuses to read or flunks tests with Reading, but she knows how to read.."
She goes on to say that usually if a kid doesn't know the material it would be obvious, if you can't read, you can't spell let alone write full legible sentences.
So the problem is that my kid is too distracted, and all she wants to do is play.
My kid's enrolled in tutoring, and now the teacher says she will work out a lesson plan for my kid to try her best to reach her and see if they can turn things around.

This move is going to help us all.
My daughter is distracted. I know why.
Whenever my husband is around all my kid wants to do is play, nothing else. He acts more like her friend than her dad.
When she's with me we'll have our play time too, but mostly it's all business.
I'm her Mom and there are things and ways that are a must. You can't let a kid call the shots or you'll just create a little monster.
Sorry not on my watch. I know once it will be just she and I living alone at the new apartment things will get straightened out. She'll only have to deal with my Husband two maybe three days tops. I'll have full custody of her.
Things are going to be different from now on. I'll make sure all this "distraction" gets sorted out.

After the meeting my husband is pissy. I'm sure he blames me for it all.
He's also pissed he has to keep painting. He suggests I drop him off at the new place while I go to my appointment, he'll finish up. I see he his half asleep and cranky, so I suggest breakfast and coffee, I have thirty minutes to spare.
I drop him off and head to the closest thing to me Mcdonalds..
So I'm thinking that I'll have some breakfast too. I'm really nervous and want to be 100% for my appointment.

Yes I actually ate this. I got us both those Bacon Egg things..
I'm sure it's a bazillion calories but I ate it slowly and drank coffee which wasn't all that, blech their coffee stinks-Mc Cafe my ass!
I guess I'm just spoiled, this American runs on Dunkin.
I leave the Mrs at home and head out.
The clinic is a little bit empty this morning.

I'm ushered in to sit and wait.
Then I'm actually weighed.
Good God is that how much I weigh!
Here's Eddy!

Next comes the blood pressure machine.
The nurse says my bp reading is a little low.

Of course it would be, I'm sure a lot of things minus my weight are low.
I haven't taken supplements in a few weeks now because I'm out of everything. I'm really curious now to know what my levels are..

So the reason for my visit is my knee.
I didn't know what to wear. I own too many skinny jeans, baggy trousers?
I don't own any *shrugs*
I managed to find a something finally, had to dig deep in all my mess.

The doc comes in and here we go.
First we hash out what's in my charts.
My weight is lower from the last visit. My current weight is none better.
"Don't get below 105lbs, for your height that wouldn't be ideal. Plus the lower you weigh, the harder your body has to work.."
He suggest that I maintain at 115lbs. He doesn't like 110, or 108 which are okay maintaining weights for me..sometimes.
He asks why the sudden drop, I tell him I'm eating less because my Depression comes and goes, and in all honesty I'm stressed out.
"Keep taking your meds, you need to even out your Serotonin levels."
I agree, skipping Meds doesn't help me.

Now the fun starts-the Examination.
Oh boy do I not like to be touched.
Everything he did felt inappropriate.
The lifting of my shirt, the breast exam, the hand down my lower back massaging my spine. Everything felt wrong.
My old shrink asked me once, "What would happen if for example the Dr. did touch you in a really inappropriate manner, what would you do, tell or stay quiet?"
I said I would stay quiet. I wouldn't tell on him. I'd just take it.

The problem is me.
I have a problem with trusting any Man, I can't help it.
I've had two Men put their penis in me without my consent, once that kinda thing happens to you, you change. Abuse does things to you.
The examination is done, and now come some conclusions.
My knee is inflamed, he gives me an RX for that. If my knee continues to pester me than we're going to go the Orthopedic way and see what comes out of that.
I tell the doc about my eating, how awful I feel afterwards.
He gives me an RX for that too. Maybe it will help and make this whole eating Food business more tolerable.
I tell him about getting blood work done, the doc says okay but is curious what my reason would be to request that.
I lie and tell him that I think I may be anemic because I'm so tired all the time.
He says it could be a possibility but to not forget that I'm also suffer from Depression and those symptoms go hand in hand with that illness.
So Blood work is on the Menu for tomorrow at 9am.

By the time I get back to my new place my husband is almost done and it's almost time to get my kid from school.
I decide to pick her up today on foot instead of driving. The weather here is nice today, it's still rainy and gloomy and that's my idea of Heaven.
The walk is nice and distracting from ED. On walks I think about everything and nothing all at once, plus it's exercise-gotta burn off breakfast.
I'm still too early for school so I walk a little further to CVS to drop off my prescription.
Guess what happens next?
I was fiddling with my phone and I hear my name called, when I look up I see none other than my daughter's Godmama behind the pharmacy counter, she is pure excitement.
"Stay right there, I was just talking about you!"
I wait for her while my Rx gets filled.
She introduces me to the Pharmacy Manager and I have a mini job interview right there.
The Manager says he'll review my resume and online application and call me.
On my way home from picking up my daughter, her Godmama calls me to tell me that the Manager thinks I have a very upbeat personality. I made a good first impression..

I almost cry with surprise. I never think I do, I always feel so awkward.
I didn't tell my Husband about the possible job hire. I know he'd find a way to sabotage it for me. I won't say a word until its all legit and I'm on an actual work schedule.
So now I'm just packing up some stuff and then it's early to bed.
I have labs tomorrow.

Oh to Jenn..
Yeah sweetie I am going to live alone with my daughter, and you're not prying at all.
 I'd love to be a text buddy. I hope you're doing well and as for the b/p, you'll get there too, you'll be able to make it more than one day I just know it.

Okay I'm off.
Nite all!


It's been raining here all day long.
I drop my daughter off at school and this is what I see. Maybe today will be a good day after all..

This was my thinking earlier.
I'll try my best to blog now, but it's been a long day and a bad one with ED.
I'm tired.
My weight is shit, I feel like shit. It's one of those days where I can't stand the sight of myself.
I thought eating food was supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't. It's pissing me off.
If I eat I'm miserable, if I don't it's the same thing. I'm so sick of being sick.
I'm in the worse mood today. I have been a total bitch to everyone.
My husband and I have been going at it all day, I don't even know what the hell we fight about anymore??
The apartment managed to get painted, but when the other person hates to paint and complains whilst doing it, it doesn't exactly help matters.
Why bother doing it if I have to hear you piss and moan. I could have found someone else to help me, my older brother would have done it, he needs money, I could have gave him something for helping me, but instead ball n chain said he'd do it. His painting skills aren't exactly dandy, I've seen toddlers paint better than him. I had to keep redoing what he did.

He bought breakfast. I decided I would eat it, that was what I thought would happen. The eggs were rubbery and had no salt or pepper. I took one bite and spit it out into the sink. If I wanted to binge I would have eaten it just so I could go purge immediately afterwards to make myself feel better.
I had two shakes today instead.

My husband and I decide to take a break from painting and go shopping at our usual haunts. I was on the lookout for children's furniture since my daughter has none.
I couldn't find a thing.
As I was leaving the store utterly disappointed I saw out the corner of my eye something wooden and pink.
It was a play kitchen set. I knew the minute I saw it my daughter would absolutely love it.
It only set me back 30$

I knew where to get the pretend pots and pans, and of course pretend food. This would keep her entertained while we finish painting.
My daughter is home from school and our break time is through. My husband suggests pizza for dinner..fuck!
I'm very triggered today and wish I could b/p.
I want to really bad.
The only thing that saved me from not doing that was being stuck at the new place all day.
I didn't b/p but I'm sad to report I did chew/spit a slice of pizza.

I don't know if that qualifies as me falling off the wagon?
It technically is behaviors but not the seedy awful one that I've managed to avoid for 36 days now.
My kitchen is the last thing to paint.
I have a meeting in the morning at my daughter's school, then I'm off to the clinic for my knee. I don't know what to wear seeing as how my leg will be the center of attention. I guess a dress?
I hate that my Dr. is a man.
God I don't like to be touched by strangers. I don't want anyone touching this fucking body of mines period.
What an awful day for me, my ED won't shut up and I feel like just giving up.
Sometimes I feel like what's the point of it all?
Why pretend.
It makes me sad when I think of how far I've come and how simple it is to just fail. I feel like a failure today.
I'm in such a bad mood. Why is this so hard?
I really don't want to go to the clinic tomorrow, I don't like Dr.s at all.
They are going to weigh me for sure. Just what I need to make my mood even worse.
The only highlight of my day was my daughter playing like she was a chef and making me dishes like cookies and chicken with a side of broccoli cus she says veggies are good for me.
If it wasn't for this kid I swear..

I feel drained, I have an awful headache that won't go away no matter what I take or do. My husband is driving me nuts with his hot and cold attitude. It's like he's two people. Is it a game, like a mind thing?
Let's fuck with Lou today, I'll pretend to be happy and string her along, then I'll turn around and drop kick her ass just to remind her I'm not letting things end so easily..
Blah, I can't even write today, my thoughts are all incoherent.
I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is not looking so hot. I may fuck up soon if my attitude keeps going down.
I has sad..again.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Last night was amazing.
My daughter and husband both knocked out early, my daughter from sheer exhaustion and my husband from too many whiskeys.
I stayed up with Merlot in tow and actually went to work on my novel.
It was the best company I've had in months.
I've missed my characters so much.
I rehashed Chapter 5 and actually decided on a question that I couldn't quite answer before.
I have three main Characters, Cristina, Oliver and Bo.
There was always a divide between both men, some days I would love Ollie immensely, other days Bo.
Last night I don't know why, I suddenly felt very protective of Bo and realized I had been giving him the short end of the stick.
I was fed up with myself, he didn't deserve it, I want to change his story around.
So in the great debate of Team Ollie or Team Bo-I Choose Bo.
I feel good, I've made the right decision and I can't wait to get back to my story and get started on Chapter 6 with my Bo in the lead.
I will leave you with one more detail about my Novel which makes me laugh when I think of the coincidence.
There's an actual restaurant in my story called..."Peridot."
 It's named after the birthstone.
No relation to the gorgeous Kiwi Fruit we all love so much.

This morning and I'm a little hungover.
I go weigh and sigh heavily, why did I weigh?
This number does not make me happy.
I'm nervous and now anxious.
My meds are gobbled up, I shower and have a good cry. I want to be okay with this weight but it's hard. I have no choice in the matter the damage is done.
Day 35 here we go.
It's raining outside, the rain helps settle down my nerves. I also take it as a sign that everything will be okay.

My kid is dropped off at school and I'm headed to Child Support for a printout.
It's 8:45 and I've called the Clinic to reschedule my appointment.
The Dr. can see me as soon as Wednesday, same time.

The metal detectors always make me nervous, I'm not packing a weapon, but I feel so guilty going through it as though I were concealing something. My purse takes a ride on a conveyor belt going through black plastic rubber curtains and I await it on the other side.
My purse is searched.
This new purse of mines is rather large, I actually thought having a larger purse would help me find things quicker when in reality it did the opposite, I have even more space for extra crap.
I have spare batteries for my Flip camera, my Flip as well. A camera because it's my third eye, cell phone, change galore scattered all about. These are things that made the detector beep.
The rather large woman with a bad perm keeps digging in my purse for hidden items, and she finds them; I've forgotten all about the chargers.
She pulls out my stash of Airheads. I smile wide and so does she.
"That's a big bag of candy, all that for you?" she eyes me up and down.
Yeah, my sugar gets low sometimes, I find it's easier to always have candy with me just in case. I offer her one along with the two security guards and the other guard who monitors the Conveyor belt. My sugary sweets are passed around and I've somehow managed to share a moment with four people in an instant.

The 18th floor is my next stop. The elevator opens and three of the cutest cops come out. The second police officer of the three gives me a double take and holds the elevator door for me. He's tall, and has the most stunning smile I've seen yet. His eyes are dark brown and so is his very thick short curly hair.
I sheepishly say Hello in return and our brief flirtation ends there.
"You have a very good day." He winks and flashes a wide smile.
What is it about a man in a uniform?
I would be so lucky if I actually ended up with a decent hardworking man like that. Oh well, let's see what the future holds for me, stranger things have happened.
The printout is done and I have five dollars less to my name.
I have ten minutes to make it to the building next door where my fate lies in someone Else's paperwork.

In the lobby and my favorite security guard is present.
"Well look who it is, hey sexy lady."
I have to laugh. My ID is legendary.
I ask her how her diet is going since the New Year has started, she wanted to drop 15 or so pounds, I forget.
"It's okay, I haven't lost much, maybe five pounds but I drink Green Tea and it helps."
That's nice dear. I eye the clock, I have no time for chit chat.
I'm headed to the 8th floor now.
I'm just in time for my appointment with three minutes to spare.

I have all my paperwork in order.
My case worker is a sweetheart, everything is going my way. My rent amount is determined and it's perfect.
"How soon can you move in?" My case worker asks.
I can move in as soon as possible.
"Okay then Today it is." She stamps my paperwork and I'm done.
I don't smile yet, I'm trying to contain myself.
When I'm finally out the door I smile wide and let the now sprinkling rain soak my hair and face. It feels like a glorious day. I thank my God and head to my little car.
On the way back home and my husband is mad. We start to argue and he makes that face that I've grown to actually fear. I put my hands up and guard my face in fear that he may actually hit me. I even thought about opening the door and falling out in the event he did try something. Instead he takes his frustration out on my steering wheel.
He's not happy for me, I suddenly cancel out all the nice things he's said to me about helping me move and paint.
"I have to hustle too now, I don't want to end up living under a bridge!"
What a selfish prick. My last words to him were you'll be okay, you have a full time paying job, why would you have any problems?
How quickly he forgets when I actually lived like that. In a car with a two year old. Eating groceries when I could afford any from the dollar store, or bathing in a public restroom sink. Wearing the same clothes repeatedly, feeling like shit and plotting the details of your own suicide because you feel like an utter failure.
I remember telling my youngest brother that in the event I botch my suicide, at least they would find me mentally incompetent and thus lock me away somewhere.
I drop my husband off home and head to see my Slumlord. She's actually sad to hear that I will no longer be living there, but I've given her notice and so I'm allowed till the end of this month to move out.
My husband is suddenly in a better mood hearing this news.
The man is nuts.
The rest of the day is about signing papers and driving around getting my new place in order.
We pick my daughter up from school and she doesn't feel too well.
At Home Depot is where I need to go, have to paint first before moving any furniture in.

My daughter complains of a stomach ache and actually throws up inside Home Depot.
We can't paint tonight, I have to take her home and play nursemaid.
She feels better now after medicine was administered. I even shelled out thirty dollars for Eczema cream since she's had a flare up today.
A mom's job is endless.
In all my frenzy today all I've had is a shake and coffee.
I feel fat and triggered but exhausted overall.
I spoke a little with my sister who is so happy for me. Webcams always make any conversation 100x better..

I hope tomorrow will be better.
I'm going to soak in a tub now then soak my liver in cheap sweet wine.
Before and after Pic post tomorrow perhaps?
Goodnight all.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Sunday

Saturday, February 4, 2012

My calendar says it's Saturday

Friday, February 3, 2012

Good news

Video response to "Purging Tips"

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Purging Tips??

I hate wanna-rexics.
Here's my case and point.
Someone suffering with an ED won't give out tips to any one because we hate what we do to ourselves, we wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Bulimia is awful and does enormous damage to you in the shortest amount possible.
The things she says "Lifestyle choice" what!!
What an idiot. ED's are mental illnesses and the deadliest ones because they take countless lives every year. No one chooses this, and those with enough sense try to recover from it in some way, shape or form not encourage it to others, or try to pass it off as a diet..
For some idiot on YouTube to be actually giving out tips is disgusting.
I hope her video gets taken down, maybe if enough people flag it down it could happen. Please flag this down and report it as inappropriate!
I cannot believe this girl. This video makes me so mad.
I don't know how stupid people like this are allowed to walk around the streets.

Just a thought.

Eating Disorders  are not about judging each other's illnesses. Recovery or not, it's their decision, we are a family and should embrace all choices.. <3

Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


So I've made 30 days no b/p.
A non triggering day and I plan to keep it that way.
No letter from Housing yet, but soon I think.
Everything minus the ED is coming along just fine. I think I can manage if I just keep to myself and away from too much pro Ed stuff. So far it's been working.

I had a bad vending machine incident today. Don't you just hate when that happens. *facepalm*

I heard from the lovely Dlyphe today, I sent her an Xmas card since I hadn't heard from her in awhile. I hope she can find time to Blog again, she seems to be doing better. Now if only Small, Mags and Danae would resurface then the gang would be all here.
Ah, wishful thinking.

Back to my book then I'm going to bed early.
I've been catching up on some much needed sleep.

and P.s
the only negative thing I'll allow on my Blog is me.
I don't publish shit comments..sorry
Go get your own arena to be heard.
This one's taken.