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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sunday

Light hits my eyes, bright and loud.
The cat has left the curtain open again.
As much as I love her, I mostly want to strangle her.
To keep my homicidal fantasies in check, I've gone as far as nailing the curtains to the wall itself.
I detest the light in my room.
More than the actual rays itself, I detest lack of sleep.
It puts me in a most foul mood.
I've gone two entire weeks now with recurring Insomnia.
It has me by my big toe and refuses to let go.
I feel the drowsiness coming, I welcome it but the act of sleep itself eludes me. What miniscule sleep I do get is riddled with nightmares.
I don't know how people do it.
I applaud those who can simply lie their heads on a pillow and close their eyes. The Sandman must indeed be the most wonderful, magical person there is.
I, on the other hand cannot.
I lie my head on the pillow and begin the groove of tossing and turning.
It's like stepping into a room full of screaming Investors on Wall Street.
The constant shouting over one another, each individual voice wanting so desperately to be heard. Ideas and accusations flung everywhere.
Welcome to my mind.
The chaotic place that drives me quietly insane.
The shouting at night is too much.
God, I just want some fucking rest!
Shut up! SHUT UP!
I can't sleep unless I'm on something, whether it's alcohol or even pills.

Having old neighbors who you constantly do favors for has it's advantages.
They take way too many unnecessary pills or sometimes don't even take them at all.
Painkillers and anti anxiety pills frequent my stomach much more than food nowadays.
Once the drowsiness kicks in, the fun can start.
Late into the night it gets before I finally succumb and sweet unconsciousness hits me. No more chatter, no more insecurities and worry.
I can just close my eyes be like everyone else.


I am currently in the shithouse everywhere else in my life.
I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck. Am feeding my daughter scrambled eggs for dinner because I can either buy food or have gas in the car for work which is 45 minutes away.
She's understanding and patient with her loser mother, maybe even thinks of all of this as an adventure.

This car.
God this fucking car.
I had a flat, a simple flat that turned into having to buy another tire because "The tire you have has a bubble. If you drive one more day on that, you'll get into a horrible accident when it blows."
This car feels like an expensive, stripper girlfriend I can't afford.





I'm sure I get a lot of "Omigosh, you're doing that bad you should've told me" from people.
The truth of the matter is I'm a child of keeping it to yourself.
It was drilled in my head to never let anyone know just how bad you're doing, most people just don't care, they are just nosy.
It's actually not bad advice, I've seen it firsthand so I know it's not total bs.
If I can still manage to not run this little family of mines (daughter, 2 cats and fishies, oh and houseplants!) into the ground...yet
I'll find a way to survive.


Besides the lack of sleep and lack of money, let's not forget my lack of eat.
I'm nine pounds lighter today.
The one constant joy in this miserable life is the weight loss.


"How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.” -Corrie Blount

 
My most favorite quote, so much so I have it tattooed on my ribcage.
It's the simplest way of telling how bad yours truly is doing.
I simply stop caring about eating at all. The emptiness feels like a thousand whip lashes. It feels like a punishment I deserve. I don't want anything unnecessary. I deserve nothing.
You are what you eat.
I feel so out of control. I feel like screaming. I feel like running in the streets.
I feel forsaken and all alone, so alone.
All I have is my behaviors. They are what keep me grounded, sane, insane.
It serves a lot of functions in my life. I use it as a way to punish myself, I use it as a way to medicate myself, I use it for the tension release when things get too strong or too built up.
When I’m done, after this big huge buildup, then there’s an overwhelming feeling of calmness, an overwhelming sense of peace.
It’s kind of like letting out a sigh. I get a peaceful feeling and a kind of self-satisfaction at having hurt myself.
What else can I do?
I can't be like everyone else, I wouldn't even begin to know how.
I'm good at imploding, I'm good at infliction and turbulence.
The little joy of seeing the numbers on the scale keep me alive, keep me going too.
It gets me through the day knowing tomorrow, maybe, just maybe will be ok because one more pound is gone. The weight loss gets me through the days, the long empty days.
The same monotonous routine of not eat, work, not sleep, repeat.





Thursday, November 13, 2014

Calender Girls

Hi everyone!
How has everyone been since we've last spoken?
Yours truly has been on a financial rollercoaster that has left her with more lint in her pockets than usual.

Let's recap shall we...



Well October was a very trying month for me. There wasn't enough work and then the car decided to give me trouble to the tune of 350$.
This news was no bueno as I love to go all out on costumes to celebrate. Halloween is my all time favorite Holiday, feels like I instead of wearing a mask, I could actually take off the one I wear all year long.
Who doesn't love dressing up, fall weather, candy, carving pumpkins and watching scary movies?
Giving the mechanic 200$ of what would be a free paycheck, hurt.
 I still owe him 150 more and he's been ever so patient but for how long?
Cancelling Halloween altogether even crossed my mind.

My kid's Godmother wanted to go trick or treating thru a fancy neighborhood just like last year. My daughter and I had no costumes and the bills kept coming like clockwork.
Finally I managed to get us both something at the last minute with 80 bucks I managed to save from bits of pinching pennies here and there.
My daughter who's the sweetest, most considerate kid ever was so patient with me.
My initial plan was to me Disney's newest version of Maleficent, I was going to go all out with makeup and contact lenses, but that plan had to be rethought.
I put aside my own desire and decided to just focus on what my kid wanted to be instead, I would just pick a costume at random and be whatever the financial scraps allotted.
My daughter went from wanting to be a My Little Pony to finally deciding on a fairy costume. Yours truly chose (slutty version) Harry Potter.
It was a difficult time for me indeed. Bills, Car repairs, not enough work, depression, my eating disorder.
 I even tried to self sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend by breaking up with him close to Halloween.
The very next day of breakup I drove my shaky car an hour's drive to his house after I dropped my daughter off at school to go and make amends.
He was asleep and very much surprised.
The drive there made me nervous, I was worried he would finally get tired of all my inner drama and just tell me to go fly a kite!
Instead he was understanding and in a great mood. We spent a morning together just wandering around window shopping and enjoying each other's company. I feel like our bond just keeps getting stronger.


These random breakups have actually become a private joke of ours, as a matter of fact as I told my dear love, "It's been awhile since we've broken up, it was due."
I know I scare him with my dramatic outburst, but I feel like since he does  know the real me and the way we work, that nothing would change.
He knows not to take me too seriously, to just let me "vent."
That instead of letting me drive our almost 3years together to the ground, what I needed the most was support and his way of helping me cope through these tough times.
We resumed like nothing had happened and truth be told, nothing really did, nothing ridiculous I could ever say I think would ever make this wonderful man stop loving me and thinking the world of me, and for that I'm so grateful.


I met my friend on the week before Halloween and the costumes were bought, our Halloween date was still on. She's going through her own financial hurricane but has bought a new car and is all too happy to show it off. I pray she has better times ahead because she deserves it.
I gave her a little gift when I saw her, The Twilight series since she's never read them. They are used books from Goodwill but I know she'd cherish them regardless. She loves to immerse herself in other worlds that aren't our current catastrophes, so I wrote her an inscription in a card imploring her to do so!
We can always be broke and stressed any ol' day of the week. When she has the time, she can read her books and have Bella Swan problems lol.


My boyfriend loves X-Mas, he thinks he's too old to dress up for Halloween or at least did before I came along, but he made the effort and got into it for me.
He painted his face in spirit to the Mexican religious Observation of the "Day of the Dead" (not the George Romero film) His stepson was Godzilla!
I thought I was going to be in a bad mood because I was so close to riding the Crimson Wave but that didn't happen, instead we all had the most amazing night.
Halloween is also my Kid's Godmother and I's anniversary of sorts. We've been friends for almost 23 years!
So you see, it's important even in the most dire of situation to most definitely look at the bigger picture.








So after October done went by, I thought November surely would be better?
So far no.
I have been living off my savings.
My bills are late and the car seems to keep challenging me with new sounds and shakes. I have so much to do this month.

Work has been different.
I am now being transferred to the beach store on Collins, I float there every Monday so the pharmacist and staff have asked me to just make it my home store.
The news was amazing, to be wanted and appreciated makes me happy.
I've always though I was never cut out for this line of work. I feel so stressed from work 75% of the time. But it is my job so I have to go 100% at it and hope someone notices...
The complications of a transfer I do not appreciate. Hopefully it's complete now and I can expect steady work. Yes this store is 45 minutes away and I have to put gas in my car every 3-4 days but what other choice do I have?
Work wise I also have my CE's due which are just a bunch of state mandated tests I have to pass in addition to the 105$ renewal of my board issued license that allows me to step foot inside a pharmacy. I've completed my mandatory 20hrs and now just have to complete two more live webinars.
My checks are very slim lately, I missed a week of work because I had the worst flu ever.



I got better then guess what, last Friday got sick again!
Am still trying to recover.

As for my Eating Disorder well...
because have been cash poor these days am only feeding my kid and my boyfriend and his son. I've been fasting and restricting. I've been exercising more and have finally managed to lose almost, almost, almost 10lbs.
You have no idea the happiness that happens stepping on a scale entails.
The excitement and hopeful prospect that your mind generates from those electronic numbers on the scale's display.
Satisfaction doesn't even begin to cover it.
More like I want to scream FINALLY!!!
I am also happy to report that laxatives are only used twice a week as opposed to multiple times a week.
On weekends am keeping food down because my boyfriend is here and he's become a buffer between me and ED.
I will confess something to you all because all because I love you, (even boyfriend doesn't know this but..) I'm always wishing he and I would just live together, partly because I think I'd have a tougher time doing behaviors with him around full time.
I know that's just a band aid on a bullet wound when it comes to ED, it sounds good in theory but then again it could just make me be more sneaky and cunning when it comes to behaviors so the jury is still out on that statement.
Losing weight makes me happy, that simple little fact doesn't seem to change and God forgive me but I need it.
I need that certainty in a world where I seem to have anything but.

My sister wants me to go see her in Orlando for Thanksgiving but that's
160$ I don't have right now.
She asks me everyday about it, all I can tell her is yes when in fact sacrificing that amount may very well kill me financially in the upcoming months. I don't know how to possibly let her down if I can't make it.
I really want to visit her but if I can't afford it, well what then?


I'm trying to just survive.
I hate having no money all the time, burning through my savings, living paycheck to paycheck.


I am not 100% happy.
I am just alive but not truly living.


My novel's latest chapter has been forced, I am trying desperately to finish it but find myself distracted and letting my current reality affect my fictional one. I don't want that for my characters.
I want their lives unblemished by mines.
They are my escape, and deserve better.

This past weekend as I've been sick since Friday was a challenge.
My boyfriend's stepson had a birthday party at a Chuck E Cheese we had to attend. He and I have become introverts and not looking forward to assimilating with others of the human race.
We went this Sunday to it regardless of our own inner demons.
We got lost for a bit but found our way, then with our hands intertwined we made our way to the party and found ourselves having a blast.
I found my inner pushy mother and made sure both kids had a blast. I made sure they both got pizza and goodie bags, cake and whatever else this party had to offer. I wanted this experience to be well, experienced!
I haven't been eating much lately and was genuinely hungry expecting what the birthday invitation promised of "All Adults will be fed" to be true, An hour into the party the mother of the birthday boy finally fed us very small portions of food. Oh my God, was I hungry, I had a small cut of a sub sandwich and one piece of chicken nugget, that was it. I couldn't believe the irony of actually deciding to eat and having nothing to eat!

 







Going Home after the birthday party was fine. My boyfriend stayed 2 days more at my place on account of his kid having 2 days off of school.
I miss him terribly when he's gone, but I know he will be back again on Friday.


 

I was told recently just how healthy and happy I look on my pictures.



Idk what do you all think?
Do my pictures speak more than words or not?
Is anyone out there still interested in what this ol' girl got to say?
Should I revamp blog?
Can you forgive a sporadic blogger?

Also can someone please tell me if the new Stephen King Book "Revival" is any good!?
I desperately want to read this.
Will talk to you guys again soon.
Follow me on Instagram @ladikaat69 for more picture posts! or email me on Gmail.
If you all have any topics you'd like me to cover don't be shy, let me know. I'm an open book as you can tell..
Thanks for giving a hoot still. I'll try to keep writing more.
You all are amazing!








Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Vlog 10/07/14


Sunday, September 7, 2014

Update


Thursday, August 21, 2014

Don't call it a come back, I've been here for years!

Why Hello there!
Okay so I've found time to write finally.
I am actually happy to report that yours truly have started a new Chapter on her novel. Oh yes!
So I'm in a writing mood.

It's my day off. I'm off until Sunday then I'm also very happy to report that I have too much work next week.
So I guess this will be a happier post compared to previous moaning in past posts.
So let's begin...


Well I worked two complete days last week, very long shifts so my paycheck will be decent.
I've agreed to help out at that snobby store where I got that ticket that time. They actually need a tech all the time but for now am just doing what I can once a week.
That store is just very messy and boy are they just one hot mess!
I had to work with this pharmacist who is very nice but very slow. I'll call him Sloth.
Little did I know when I went to work on Tuesday there that he and I would be alone from 9am until 2pm..
We tried our best and actually succeeded in making the day go smoothly.
I had to pay for parking setting my alarm to try and avoid getting another ticket.
He was pretty happy with me, so happy in fact he made a comment about wanting to steal me from my home store and hiring me for his store...
Um, No thanks!
Anyways, another tech came at 2pm and then we all worked harmoniously until I had to go home at 8pm.
Sloth scheduled me again for Tuesday at his store which was yesterday.
Monday I worked at that other beach store with the newly pregnant pharmacist who has now taken her maternity leave, so I got to work with the new pharmacist who is so cool. I love her and boy does she love me.
Work went smoothly and I was happy to be back on that grind. Lots of upcoming bills await me.
So Tuesday I drive to the Snobby store at 1pm and it is a marvelous day for me because I am in need.
I had Two different stores request me for work on my way to work lol.
I turned em down cos well already am booked.
When I arrive at the Snobby store I am all smiles because I get to work with my favorite Russian Pharmacist who I haven't seen in awhile and I had no idea this had become his home store for the last 6 months.
Tuesday was amazing.
Nothing went wrong. I even was so talkative which is rare for me unless I'm absolutely comfortable.
But yes, my Russian and I spent all 8 hours almost 9 of my shift just joking around and catching up.
He actually is leaving the company in September. He suggested I transfer to this store for good, I was like NO, maybe if he were sticking around then sure but that's not the case. An hour before my shift ended, the other beach store I used to float at with Mr. Anal called and needed someone for the week, especially in the mornings. So I agreed to Wednesday and Thursday a 9-2 shift. I left Monday and Tuesday open because those are the days I can do an 8-9 hour shift.

This Morning the Cool pharmacist texts me and needs me to work on Monday, and then she needs me available for the first two weeks of September,  someone is going on vacation and she wants me to fill their slot.
So yes, more work!
I'm so happy and tired already lol.

My daughter started school on Monday so that meant i had to run around last weekend looking for her school skirt and shoes.
After much driving around in the heat I finally managed to find everything I needed.
My ex was keeping me up to date with his school shopping aka as him buying brand new school uniforms and me buying my own.
When I finally found her 2 skirts, he had the audacity to tell me he was gong to return the skirts he bought? He was making plans to get one of mines.
I told him No keep yours and I'll keep mines.
We'll both have a set.
I can proudly say that I've provided for her school things all my own, well almost all my own with the exception of some school supplies I still had laying around thanks to my beautiful friends, Sarah, Susan, Perry and Capri..
Thank you beautiful souls for always thinking bout me.

Well Monday comes around and I tell my ex that I want to tag along for the 1st day of School, I want to see her classroom and more importantly do her hair.
My ex tells me this story about how he's returning her skirts because well they don't fit and if I give him one of my skirts her will give me 2 brand new school shirts in return. So I agree.
I didn't have enough to buy her a new shirt anyways so..

The first day of School I did her hair and got in the car with them, my ex smelled like a liquor cabinet. His eyes were swollen and small like he barely is up.
I shake my head.
We get there early to her school and head to the cafeteria to find out who is her teacher since we never received a registration card in the mail from her school.
When we arrive to the table for FOURTH GRADE it is a mess!
There was a list to look at but it's a complete disaster on account of other parents ripping it to shreds, they have mixed up the Alphabetical list and people are hogging it.
It's already past 8 am and everyone is confused and running late.
I'm trying to take pics of my kid and she's not having it, every time she's with her Dad she develops this other persona, where she's not interested and acts like a baby.
Ugh...
Finally the Principal approaches us and because we are very patient, she tells us she will bring another list and we will be first to read it.
Afterwards we walk her up to her classroom and meet her new Teacher who right off the bat tells us she has a Reputation for being strict.
Poor Lil Miss B.
Glad I'm done with school.

So back to Tuesday, I get home tired but okay.
Today I've spent my day in bed, I have slept so much.
I've worked out and have picked up my messy house.
I was social with my neighbors this week actually taking the time to sit down and talk with 3 of them for a long time.
I did modules that were due, and even paid my car insurance, a hefty 600$ out of my savings.

Everything is okay except for my Ed who is making plans for the time I'm at work and will be too busy to eat.
My Ed who reminds me that I'm still about 40lbs overweight and we need to fix that NOW.
My Ed who makes me feel insecure and weak and makes me even feel embarrassed about even admitting I have one on account of how not SKINNY I have become.

I fear many behaviors to come.
Maybe even deep down inside I actually am relived and welcome it.








Saturday, August 2, 2014

I has no patience





“Patience is a Virtue” –  William Langland, The Vision of Piers Plowman

Yeah right..


Hi there, it's been a minute since I've been on here. I apologize.
Sometimes I feel like there is an echo in here... but that's okay too. I like the quiet.
I have oodles of free time as it happens so I'm going to try to get these thoughts down.
This is also a warm up, to get my lazy wide behind
back to finishing the novel. I'm almost done, I can see the finish line, I really am ready to just wrap it up already.

My daughter just came in my room asking "Mommy whatcha doing?"
To which I reply I am Blogging!
She smiles at me so genuine, and gives me a kiss and a hug. She comes back a minute later and tells me she thinks its cool I have a Blog.
I think in some circles having a Blog does not make you cool, *pushes glasses up* but then again I'm a nerd and standing out has always made me feel like I fit in.
I think I'm cool and you fellow Bloggers definitely are.
Okay so here we go.

Let's talk about Work.
Work or lack thereof I should say.
I've had NO work all this week.
Hours are being cut and I'm feeling the knife under my throat.
We've officially entered August and I have more bills than job offers.
I have exactly two days of work in the next two weeks so far.

I am incredibly nervous.
I'm starting to worry and get depressed again. I cry all the time now at random intervals. My heart is heavy with the burden of being the sole bread winner here.
If I can't provide for my Little family than who will?

My current bills include rent, cell phone, internet, groceries, light and NOW CAR INSURANCE.
Yes folks the 6 months of insurance have lapsed and it's time to renew. That's 600$ for another 6 months or an extra 100$ a month till February.
What am I going to do?
Oh and lets not forget a ticket I got when I went to float at a pharmacy on the beach whose parking lot had meters you have to feed every two hours unbeknownst to me.

I have Back to School shopping which has to be done.
My ex insists I get all of the school supplies and he'll pay me half of it later.
Well I can't afford a whole lot.
Thank God some of you out there have always sent me packages of goodies and you all sometimes throw cute lil goodies for my kid, I went around the house and collected all I could to cut my list of school supplies in half.
Thank you Angels for your generosity. Why you stick around and bet on a bum horse like me I will never know but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I was able to just come out of pocket by about 20 something dollars left in school supplies.
I told my ex he had to provide the uniforms, shoes and book bag to which he has.
That takes care of that.
Now the daily cost of having a kid(s) home from school means feeding  round the clock. When you have to come out of pocket for groceries it's a hassle.
You people and your eating, such expensive business, it further just makes me angrier at food and the mere thought of eating it.
Sometimes I'm so hungry but go without eating because there is only one loaf of bread and we have to make that last and everybody is always eating and I just want one slice of bread with butter or mayonnaise to get me through the day. Sometimes I just have to put my own needs and wants aside because I have disordered eating and maybe that one slice of bread is triggering and I may purge that and well, I will feel guilty afterwards because someone else could have eaten that one slice and enjoyed it.
Guilt you see, is a powerful deterrent.
I rather cook all day and feed everyone else than deal with the backlash of purging if I partake.

The second order of business would be my Eating Disorder and how I am progressing.
I would be lying if I said I haven't had a week where I just reveled in the thing and loved it because I was getting such positive results.
But on that same note have had to gain it all back because I've stopped doing all those behaviors.
Am I pissed? of course.
I feel like I've worked so hard to lose it all in the blink of an eye.
I don't want to stop doing behaviors, I don't, God help me because I just don't.
Can I be myself and do them No.
When I have to stop because I don't want to make say, my boyfriend uncomfortable than I do.
It's so fucking hard and mentally I hate myself more but I do because I love him. When I do eat around him and it turns out I need to purge ever so bad, I feel horrible like I have to ask for permission, I have to let him know what I'm about to do. He understands of course but I know deep down inside how bad he must feel listening to me yak in the toilet and trying to understand how something so little as a toddler size portion on rice and chicken can send me over the edge? Why can't I just not do that.
I know he wishes I were better or cared about myself but I just don't.
I'm sorry, I've had far too many horrible things happen to me that I deal with on a daily basis (without therapy) that just suffocate any premise I had towards recovery.
Behaviors are both rewarding and punishing. Most days I don't know what side of the coin it all lands on.
I'm not perfect, I am a woman who has a mental disorder that she deals with from the moment she wakes until she closes her eyes to sleep. This never stops for me. I am who I am and that won't change until I figure out how to.
The figuring out part is hard too because I am utterly alone in this.
I don't have the tools to do so.
This disease is isolating and needs isolation to thrive.
I feel it the most when I'm alone. It's all I can think about.
Today for example have spent the majority of the day in bed, if I were to get up and move around then well there's a greater chance of a b/p session.
Sometimes just marooning myself on an island is safer. I cause less damage, disappoint less.
Unfortunately I don't have the luxury in just doing that, I have a very bored 9yr old who wants my attention all day.
I have to plaster a smile and do my domestic duties.
I feel like I must do something with her, after all her fun summer was cut short by my ass of an ex who has been doing nothing fun with her incidentally.
I am broke and have a car that leaks water like crazy, going far (and far of course is where all the good shit is) is just not a possibility right now.
There isn't a time in the day where I think of my daughter and just sob quietly. I feel like I'm just letting her down, her precious childhood I'm stealing with my lacking.
She saved my life once but I can never repay her, I can't seem to make it a good life in return. I struggle way too much.
How can I make her happy, how can she possibly still look at me with those big eyes and not hate her loser mother yet?
Don't you know what I've put you through once? How can I make sure it never happens again?

I still drink every night, some days it's all I allow in my stomach.
Of course this is helping in my death, but it both destroys and nourishes me.
Quiets my tormented mind and helps put me to rest for the night.
It's also killing me, that's for sure.
Lou, you're killing yourself. You stupid girl are partaking in a very slow suicide.
A normal sane person would stop immediately, but a woman with an addictive personality continues despite the good or bad around her.

Let's move along now.
My car is leaking water again.
I've finally had to muster up the balls to contact that shady mechanic that my ex uses, the one that looks like Meatloaf circa the movie Fight Club..
He says it's a hose, a problem that may not cost me much.
So I've suggested he change my oil and the hose, I hope the repairs and labor are less than 100$

I have so little in my savings.
I need to get another job.
I've spoken to my kid's Godmother, the lovely Angel who's blessed me with this current title on my resume, she suggest I pick up extra hours as a cashier for the company.
I think when car is fixed will hit up my old work hubby Big Gay Al, and see if I can cashier at his pharmacy, they don't need any pharmacy techs yet.
Maybe I can do that or just try to work at McDonald's or somewhere. I don't know
It's just hard because I'm only available in the mornings on account of my daughter and no sitter.
Usually jobs need night shifts and weekends so anything I can do is simply not what they are looking to hire.
If I were thin, or had a hot body would be a stripper or webcam girl, but of course am  a pudgy cellulite riddled fat girl.
No work there unless my target audience were Chubby Chasers in which case I'd be rich because they pay by the pound.


Let's see what else I can inform you on.
Hmm well not much.
My older brother Is still in Prison, his oldest daughter who he hasn't seen in 11 yrs is finally 18 years old.
He wants contact with her so my sister has been reaching out to her on Facebook. I don't know if she would care to start a relationship with her estranged father or not.
My brother is reading more in prison, is smitten with the author Lee Child and wishes I would mail him books from amazon, but I can't right now, I'm far too broke.
I can't even give him 20$ in his commissary.
He understands to an extent but it's still a sad ordeal.
I wish I didn't have to go through this but I do.
It still breaks my heart and makes me feel like a bad sister because I can't help him, I can't make life in prison easier on him. Hell I can't make life easier on the outside for myself either.


Patience I don't like to have.
I don't want to keep holding on and hoping I can come out through the other side unscathed.
I'm not quite sure that's my role.

I've been told to pray on it, but I just don't wanna hope any further.
I need action not hope.
I need to know my suffering means something, stands for something.
Maybe even in death.


Maybe that's all I'm good for to endure and lie in wait.


so that's it goodnight.







 




 












Sunday, July 13, 2014

Hair did

saturday vlog


Saturday, June 28, 2014

update?

so..
ppl I have gained so much weight am actually considering self harm..
Not cutting of course but behaviors.
wow.
Yo I'm Fat!
I need to start restricting or straight up starving

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The cards you're dealt

Good morning all.
Today am having horrible self harm thoughts..it all pertains to the fact I'm struggling with my eating disorder.
I don't want to keep living like this, am losing hope that my life can somehow be something different other than what it currently is.
The defeat is round the bend and I'm just running on fumes.
The small part of me that keeps going and trying to find positivity in any way is very quiet these days. I really don't blame her.
I look around and then at myself.
If I had better self esteem I could quickly find the beauty in all the things that do add up and make my life worth living.
Unfortunately my Ed reminds me that no matter how fabulous you think it all is, you're still you and god, not even you want that!
Noone understands me.
If I don't eat "stubborn" I'm being "complicated,  difficult. .."
Shoving food in my direction won't make me eat it.
I rather starve.
I rather purge.

I know there's a better way of life that's not disordered but frankly I don't know how to get there.
I thought I did, I allowed myself to continue to expand, but now can see it was all a stupid mistake I regret at the beginning of every morning.
I was wrong. Gaining weight fixed nothing for me, just made me more insecure and sad.

Am uber negative today.
Yes, today I'm not well.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Happy father's day to me


Friday, May 30, 2014

Hi there

So...
Yes I know it's been a long time since I've last blogged, actually writing. Sorry about that.
Well let's see what's all been happening with me lately.

I've been working some, it's gradually slowing down. If I had an actual bar graph you all could see how Lou stock is plummeting.
The car has been okay, I mean other than the last time it drained more of my savings away.
I've actually been so broke I've had to ask my ex's mechanic to give me back the 60$ I gave him to fix my back tail light which by the way he hadn't fixed yet, something about not finding the part in the junkyard, possibly having to order it aka buy it NEW from the dealership.
Please.
So I told him look sorry but I've changed my mind about the repair, I need the money more than the luxury of having a brake light that works.
He complied of course but never bringing me the money himself, instead solely depending on my ex to deliver the money.
I was skeptical I would ever see the money again but my ex actually came through for once and didn't make shit harder than it sometimes is.

I got to have a date with my boyfriend last Wednesday which was nice, we went to see the new Godzilla movie which was very decent.
Our date took a sour note when I couldn't read the GPS right and we sort of got lost and walked lots of blocks in the opposite direction for about 15 minutes.
We finally made it to the regal Cinema on Lincoln Road near my job on the beach, with about 10 or less minutes close to show time.
Once inside the confines of the cold dark theater we were golden.
Afterward I suggested to my boyfriend we head over to eat somewhere.
Eat.
I was good but a date isn't really a date without a meal afterward so that's what we did.
I decided to take him to this old pizza joint I used to haunt back during my club kid days.
We ordered a huge pizza and even dessert in the way of Elephant ears.
I was actually eating up until that full feeling came on.
By the time we were done and I was in the car driving home, the food started to rise in the back of my throat and I knew for certain the minute I got home I would be purging everything.

Purging has been curbed a lot, I would say I've cut it back to maybe twice a week three if I'm doing especially bad.
I've been eating less that's true but in my defense I mostly keep it down.
I'm really tired of Bulimia, god am I so tired.
I've been working out a bit more which helps with me being okay eating cause then I could just burn most of it away.
Laxatives unfortunately are still being abused. I have a hard time quitting those cold turkey just yet.

I'm so tired all the time, my Insomnia is bad, most nights when I'm not drunk, I sleep only 3 hours a night.
Insomnia, no food, full of laxatives, I don't know how I'm still standing.

I usually suffer from a stress rash but this week it's more of an all over rash.
I don't know what to do or why has this come on.
Nobody else here seems to be afflicted by this but me?
I don't know what's going on with this Judas body of mines.

My daughter is okay, she actually passed the 3rd grade!
I was thinking the worst, maybe summer school or even her repeating the grade but no she's good.
I know my ex has not been sending her to school most days when he has her, I've had a talk with him already about that.
I hate that she goes with him every week and there's no way to know just how irresponsible he will be or what all will happen when she's out of my care.

Summer is upon us and that means no more school for her.
I've discussed with my sister about my daughter leaving for the summer with her to Orlando.
It's all set for next Sunday except that I haven't told my ex yet and I don't know how he'll take it but there's no other choice here, at least not for me.
I don't have a sitter for her and the truth is I really need to work more.
I need to network more and go to other pharmacies that could possibly need a night shift or afternoon shift filled. I'm just the pharmacy technician for that.
My job is not a steady thing right now, I don't have a set schedule which is nice I'll admit because I can come and go as I please but it's also not the best when it comes to having enough when its time to pay the bills.
With my daughter gone for the summer I can focus more on working.

Yesterday my Work husband Big Gay Al called me.
It was Thursday and I originally had the day off, My old pharmacist New Mommy Central sends me a text asking can I possibly do 4 hours at my Home store.
I agreed because well it's been slow... FOUR HOURS!
I got to work with the Country Pam who is okay.
Work was great, I got a lot done and even helped out some Older Man to the best of my ability.
He was so grateful he actually pulled a manager aside to let him know just how well I helped him.
He said he would call corporate and put in a good word for me hoping that I would somehow get rewarded.
He was very sweet and it was my pleasure to help him with whatever he needed, I only wished I could do more.
Sometimes we get so busy and behind in the pharmacy our customer service can falter, but in those moments when you can make the time, you do make a difference.
I get a call from Big Gay Al and I already know what he wants..
When I call him back after my shift is over he tells me the New Pharmacy he works at is hiring.
Right now they don't need a technician yet, in a few more months after they have done all the remodeling and expansion of the store they will, in the meantime they need cashiers and someone to manage the Front of the store.
He's recommended me and says I am a "Happy, dependable, lovely helpful person."
He'd like for me to go see the new store tomorrow Saturday, and just have a talk with the Manager and see what all they need and possibly if that could suit me, a little more hours and work.

I called my kids godmother who is the lovely soul who has given me a shot at life again via employment and ask her for advice.
See the thing is, it's a conflict of interest to work at another Pharmacy,
to which she responds "What they don't know won't hurt them."
Having her blessing gives me slight hope that a second job may be possibly in the future works.

I recently got a letter from the IRS saying I was owed monies from 2010 taxes or some nonsense.
998$ to be exact.
Seems exciting but frankly I'm unshakeable until I see it for myself.
Well people don't get excited because my ex calls me Wednesday after dropping my daughter off to say he got a check in the mail with both our names for that amount...You see!
So we've split it down the middle, I got 500$ to put back into my savings.
Something better than nothing I guess.
I admit I got excited over the possibility of possibly almost 1000$ all to myself. My sister was uber happy even asking me to give her 100$
Sorry sis.


Today I worked at that other store on the beach.
I've worked there on Wednesday too with that male pharmacist who we'll loving call Mr. Anal cos he is.
Mr.Anal and I get along okay, he actually told me I did a great job right before I went home.
Things with him went rather smoothly until an old hag came to Drop off...
It was none other than Terminal cancer Cunt who I had horrible problems with once who gave me such a hard time, so much so I had horrible thoughts towards.
Well, she was back and equally as rude, she started going on and on about this and that. When I couldn't help her because she was so fucking vague in what she wanted she begins to insult my intelligence.
I turn To Mr. Anal and tell him to deal with her because I refused.
He did and incurred her wrath but he's used to it.

Today Friday, I worked that same store again.

The mornings of floating on the beach when my daughter is here is hectic. I have to both get she and I ready in the span of an hour.
It's not easy. We get to school a little after 8:15, the stupid dog makes me later.
Yes I said DOG.
Well a puppy actually.
There's a large Mutt puppy who is a stray and is starving.
I recently tried to shave a couple of bucks and buy my cats CAT CAFE instead of ALLEY CAT brand cat food.
The cat's hated the change, so much they refused to eat it, so I'm left with a whole bag of useless cat food.
I have an outdoor stray cat(s) I already feed, but it's way too much food, so I decided to share some with the stray dog I see as well.
In the morning already running behind schedule, after walking my daughter to class, I share most of the food with him. This poor dog is so hungry he is salivating over the pile of calico colored X's and O's...
Afterwards I drive as quickly as possible to work.
I'm super anxious all the drive there.
It's hot out plus the morning commute bumper to bumper traffic..
A text from New Mommy Central distracts me. She's telling me what a good job I've done with the customer from Wednesday, he did indeed call corporate to song my praises.
The good new settles me down some.
 I'm especially cranky because I've not slept, only four hours this time.
As if that wasn't enough, I've mistaken my pay this week and it's less.
I have enough for rent and to pay my DSL. The rest has to last until the next payday which isn't much. I'm looking on surviving with about 80$

It was very busy today at work, but nothing I couldn't handle, an overall great day despite one customer that rubbed me the wrong way.
This old cunt.
 The phone kept ringing and I had a dead tone at the end.
This Old cunt comes along complaining to my pharmacist Dementia.
She's upset someone keeps hanging up on her, my pharmacist lets the cunt know that it's her phone that has the bad connection.
The Cunt continues her tirade and even says she will report the "'person" responsible.
When it's time to fill her meds I go ahead and ring her up. This old Cunt looks me straight in the eye and says "Why did you hang up on me?"
To which I responded Lady I've never seen you a day in my life!
I also tell her when she kept insisting that I wasn't going to hear it a second more, I told her to stop it and Lord she did.
I think she wasn't expecting that response from me, she hadn't rehearsed the What if they're not intimidated speech...
Anyways the day was okay after that.

I've had customers give me Candy for the past two days, one man today giving me Coffee flavored candies (bless his heart) and another women fresh from her hometown visit to Munich giving me Chocolates from a shop there.
Both sweets I plan on sharing with my boyfriend.

I'm a bit itchy and somber from all these bills and being broke, but what can you do. I'm two pounds less than yesterday and still here.
My life is what it is.

I hope you all are well.
We'll talk again soon.
Goodnight.







Sunday, May 25, 2014

Vlog Update


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Friday Fiasco


Thursday, May 8, 2014

You look tired

I'm very tired.
Work is getting harder because the pharmacy leaving perfectly busy stores with only one technician...ME!
I know my friend wanted this other beach store to be the place for me and all but man am I tired.
I'm secretly glad this is not my home store because they have a huge clusterfuck of problems I can see why the other tech quit!
Wednesday was too much, work was so hard!
The phones kept ringing and the pharmacist is putting everyone on hold.
I answer the phones and am just apologizing at this point.
Had some stupid cunt give me shit over some conversation I never had with her, she even acknowledged she didn't speak to me per say so wtf bro!
She's the assistant to the ambassador of some shit and I'm like look I'm sorry you were on hold but what can I help you with?
She ripped me a new asshole folks.
We're talking sodomy here!
She even asks me my name and says she will call and complain about me.
So fucking unfair I never even spoke to her or put her on hold.
No one comes to my defense I may be in deep doo doo here because the ambassador of idk wtf is pissed he was on hold and his fucking CIALIS and XANAX is not ready.
As a matter of fact this assistant of his comes to pick up his petty shit today all the while staring at my name tag, very docile today. Oh she knows, she remembers me. She tries to play it off, not such the big Man now huh bitch?
I know exactly who she is and give her dead stares.
How can you just mess with someone's livelihood here. Bitch you don't know me, don't know what I have to deal with day in and out just to pay bills and take care of my daughter.
This is my life, I'm not the assistant to anyone, I'm a single mom trying to make ends meet here.


The exhaustion always comes the night before when I'm supposed to be asleep but am not. Then the wave of sleep hits me early in the wee hours about 5am where I sleep till being rudely awakened by my alarm at 7am.
My head is always pounding by then-ALWAYS!
I wake my daughter up for school and it's a rush to get us both ready in the span of an hour.
Yesterday Wednesday afternoon, my ex drops her off from school. He's extra chatty today and keeps looking me over lingering on my face trying to make eye contact which I've seldom been doing these days because well I'm just getting disinterested with it all, feel like I'm on auto pilot most of the time.
He makes small talk and I just want to go inside my house.
After a very fucking busy day yesterday I have to head home and make dinner because there's nothing to eat here because I don't eat. If I lived alone would be bloody emaciated because Fuck food!
As it happens everyone around me is human and needs nourishment so I'm chained to a stove.
After my daughter gets home I'm told of "Fun Day" at her school aka 5$ admission that her dad pawned on me at the last minute. Dinner is ready and she and I both eat.
I purge till I can't anymore.
I work out twice because Fuck You Lou.
I fall asleep a lil while later.

After my daughter and I are ready this morning I have no gas in the car, the money; I have none on me, never any cash...
I have to be at work at 9am and it's already 8:20!
Everything that could go wrong does.
I have a 10 dollar bill in a ceramic piggy bank called "Vacation fund" pfft I'll never vacate anywhere except my mind maybe it seems at times. I have to raid it, but ah of course its a five dollar bill I need so I buy two meat pastries for a buck at some cafeteria by her school, and then get detained with detours, garbage day  and traffic before reaching my kids school.
This is not my morning, I hate when things get like this.
I park far away and rush into her school, I kiss my kid goodbye and haul ass back to my car.
Near where I parked there's a sweet stray puppy that's wagging his tail and ever so hungry so I toss both meat pastries his way, the poor thing scarfs em down.

I have horrible, horrible anxiety driving to the beach because my car I'm so traumatized that any minute will break down.
I feel sick because well laxatives.
My car has no air conditioning so the drive in the heat helps nothing for me to feel better.
All I can do is pray to God that my car doesn't malfunction and shut off while I'm driving and I don't crash or have a heart attack behind the wheel.
After 15 minutes of driving at 60mph on the freeway to the beach I'm finally over the last ramp where I can exhale and worry about a whole new set of crap.
What will the day be like?
Work is so fucking tedious. I try to catch us up today as best I can.
I have other stores asking me to work for them, other stores?
When will I get a break in the middle of the week.
This beach store has scheduled me for Monday 9-1, then that same day head over to the other store from 2-9!
That's like 10hrs in one day alone! Bloody hell man.
Next week have to work also that same Friday from 9-3 (6hrs).
That's it, next week am taking Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off! I can't. I need a break.
My legs hurt so bad at work today. The minute I got there with two minutes till 9am, I took migraine pills immediately.
The day was long kept staring at clock counting down what seemed like the longest 5hrs ever!

"Can you work this Saturday?" the pharmacist asks.
NO!
I tell her have no sitter, she sighs disappointed.

My work hubby big gay Al and I have been chatting more and more outside of work which is nice.
He surprised me last night by telling me he was going to be at the very store I was in at 2.
I tell him the cruel irony I was leaving at that time!
He shows up today at 1:30 which was very sweet just to get to spend some time with me.
Aww if only all my marriages were this considerate.
At 2pm I'm speeding out the parking lot to get my daughter from school.
I'm so tired my thighs ache.
I get her from school with two minutes to spare.
My ex calls me to chat.
Hmm he's being awfully nice?
He tells me he's concerned for me, that "I look tired."
Well I am thanks for noticing.
He's tired himself and will try to get Wednesday off next week to keep my daughter longer and give me an extra day off with no kid.
My kid and I get home, I feed her leftovers and go to sleep.
She wakes me up two hours to tell me she has bugs in her room.
When I look her hamster food is full of weevils!
I toss the food away and spray the room. I Frontline the cats for fleas while I'm up.
My kid is upset crying because her hamster may get bit by bugs or die idk.
I'm not in the best mood today so I'm not exactly empathetic towards the rodent.
I fall back asleep.

My brother went to trial today and I have no idea what's happened.
His lawyer never called me so even if I didn't work today I couldn't go cause I didn't have all the info.
My sister and I are incredibly frustrated with his constant phone calls and requests.
We both work very hard and have kids, taking care of another person is just too much on our hearts right now even though he is family.
It's very depressing to lie to him about our days because well he's in prison, no matter what we go through we still have our freedom.
It's sort of rude of us to keep living normally when our brother cannot.
Or at least that's how it feels like anyways.
I haven't heard from him in two days so I don't know if he's okay. I have been thinking of him guiltily all day.
Seems like all my complaints are so petty when someone else has it harder.
We're all he has and that's a huge bite to swallow.
I think I'm a bad sister.
I just have a lot on my own plate that I don't want to eat (insert ED pun here) without someone else dumping their leftovers on my plate.
I'm nervous, tomorrow work at a brand new store I've never been at that's notorious for its disarray.
I'm very depressed, so very depressed.
At some point driving today was entertaining possible deaths that I could bring on while driving just because I'm so very tired of waking up with aches and pains that never seem to let up.
How can one desire to live when life hurts.
God the other day at the grocery store couldn't even buy anything to eat because I was so hungry. I just walked the store forever and ended up with just a low fat chocolate milk that cost 1.19$..

I feel so alone.
You can't possibly imagine how much my heart aches.
How constricting it feels.

Have been bleeding again vaginally for no reason.
Was thinking what on Earth is the matter with me. Maybe I have Cancer.

My work hubby texts me and I tell him how tired I am and will be taking much needed time off.
He suggests we have Lunch Thursday, Idk about eating but will definitely take him up on the company.
He was very excited about seeing me, that's nice.
I'm glad I make someone happy.
You should've heard him gushing about me at work today to the Pharmacist on duty.
I have no idea why I merit this but Thank You for saying so.

Today is my boyfriend's Mom's birthday, I've been so preoccupied with my own welfare I didn't know the protocol for his family and so as usual he's giving me shit.

The truth is been caught up in my own life, too concerned to worry about anybody else's.
Guess that makes me a stupid bitch girlfriend in his eyes.
Oh well guess I can't win them all.
Maybe love just isn't enough these days.
You have to be ever so mindful of others too or else you're not a "goodhearted person."
Never said I was perfect.


Thanks for reading my nonsense.
I'm going to take my exhausted ass to sleep because tomorrow is another stressful day for me.
Love you all Goodnight.









Saturday, May 3, 2014

Thursday Vloggin


Monday, April 28, 2014

Case of the Mondays

The weekend came and went all too soon I'm afraid.
What felt like a nice mini vacation is over now.
Monday morning and it's time to make the doughnuts...

On Saturday was a lovely day at the beach.
My boyfriend came to pay me a visit, I was out of the doghouse finally. According to him, I'm only crazy 10% of the relationship time, the other 90% he happily wouldn't trade for anything in this world. He wants to marry me and keep me around forever.
So my theory on being a crazy girlfriend are all unfounded. I'm not that kinda crazy yet.

I wanted to go out and catch some much needed Vitamin D this weekend.
We had a nice time with the kids at Crandon park Beach. The kids and Michael didn't want to leave.
We finally had to at Sunset because the park closes.
We then head home where the kids play with the little upstairs neighbor girl.
I have a drink with my boyfriend and don't finish it. Instead after bathing the kids and putting them to bed come into the room and lay down for the night.

My phone has been blowing up all weekend long.
It's my older brother calling me from Prison.
He calls me constantly and its sad.
I sigh and groan internally knowing its him.
It's not that I don't want to talk to him, seems like even before he went to Prison I was the only family member that even gave him the time of day.
Now it's different, now it makes me sad because he sounds so depressed. He's very miserable and sick even in there. The prison Dr. has diagnosed him with Diabetes and high blood pressure. He suffers from Migraines and has heart and liver trouble too.
Looks like he may be in there for 5 years, 3 if he's lucky...or at least that's what the lawyer thinks although he hasn't been to trial yet.
I just don't know what to say to him?
I lied to him about my weekend plans, didn't want to remind him of the life he can no longer have anymore on the outside.
He said he saw a trailer for the new X-Men movie Days of Future Past; then made a comment about how it might be a long time before he ever saw a real current movie ever again.
After about the fifth time talking to him I've run out of things to say.
It makes me want to cry if I spend too much time thinking about him and all that's happened.
He thanks me for talking to him and writing to him. He wants me at his trial when the day comes and wants me to visit and send him books through Amazon or EBay. He wants poetry books, books on Tarot and books on magic and the occult even.
I told him to hold his horses for now. When I can I'll happily do what I can but first have to take care of my kid and my bills.
My weekend was almost made sour by the fact my period is on and super heavy. I've had debilitating cramps that have left me writhing in pain. I was scared to get into the ocean for fear of attracting sharks!
No sharks came but there was an incident where a sea slug flapped in the shallow waters near me as I was building a sandcastle with my daughter.
Sea Slugs; silent slow predators of the sea...
My flow is very heavy and Saturday night I felt dizzy and lightheaded so I called it a early night.
Me sleeping? Yes, something is amiss.
In any event lived through the night although I tossed and turned because of heartburn and cramps.
Sunday morning the house is quiet, the kids aren't up yet.
When we all wake up at noon, I make breakfast and my boyfriend and I watch a movie before playing the Wii with the kids. My boyfriend stays all of Sunday with me and I couldn't be happier. Wish he would never leave.
I ate this weekend, not much but I did.
I feel stronger when He's around because I know he loves me and is always trying to make me see that I'm a good person and I look beautiful to him.
Sometimes I almost want to believe it, but I'm scared to. Ed always reminds me to never let my guard down, always keep your eye on the skinny prize.
I was fine on Sunday until I went to take the trash out and ran into my flamboyant building manager who said "You keep gaining weight!"
He said this in front of another neighbor he was talking to, all I could do was laugh and pretend it was a joke. The minute I got inside my apartment, I sat in my room and cried.
I punched myself in my stomach and cursed everything.
My boyfriend tried to reassure me to ignore it and tell me how far from fat I was but you know how that goes.
Eventually I had to let it go for the night but in the back of my mind had a game plan in effect.
I drop my daughter off at my Ex's house around 8 since she wanted to stay longer at home and enjoy family game night.
I drive to CVS and buy Midol for my cramps and other things to feed the remaining house guests.
When I get home my boyfriend gets to read a rough draft of my latest novel chapter and later we watch more movies before bed.

This Monday morning my alarm goes off and its time for work.
I have to work at the store with New Mommy Central.
I set my alarm at 8am and get ready for work. My boyfriend has to go home so I drop him off at his step dad's  Printing place and drive to Downtown. There is no traffic, the day is overcast and nice. I pray that today will be slow because I'm bloated and tired.
When I arrive at work there is no New Mommy Central but another pharmacist.
A very young Mississippi native who's just moved to Miami on Friday. She's my height, weighs about 115lbs with curly brown shoulder length hair and fair skin. I'm instantly jealous of her small thighs that don't touch and her small frame. Why can't I look like that? I remember I once did, what happened?

I introduce myself and we become fast friends.
Later on around noon New Mommy central shows up and tells me Inventory Day is postponed so she doesn't need me on Thursday, I can float at the other store I was promised to.
I also come to find out that this new country gal is my new home store pharmacist.
No more Big Gay Al?
My work husband has been banished.

Work is tough today.
I'm very tired.
I tried my best to make sure we catch up but there was so much to do.
It reminded me off first days with Dragon.
By 6:45 I'm punching out.
"Aww man, I loved working with you, don't want you to go" Country Pam tells me but I can't stay. I feel very tired I don't want to stay.
I punch out and go home.
A drink is in order tonight along with a few laxatives.
I didn't get a break today or eat more than 800 calories.
It's okay with me.
Tomorrow I work at the other Pharmacy where I park my car.
I only work for 4 hours but it's best. I'm very tired.

My apartment is quiet.
I'm restless.

I'm upset that I didn't work out but suspect that the time to myself is ideal.


So that's it for now, just another boring day with this ever expanding Lou.

Hope you all are well.
Miss talking to some and all of you.






Wednesday, April 23, 2014

You betta Work


Monday, April 21, 2014

Work

At around 11pm I go to bed.
My dreams are riddled with nightmares.
My mother is in at least two of em, I keep telling myself I need to move out because she is subtly sending hints that's it's time to move on. Time to fly the coop or nest or however the saying goes.
I even dream of my boyfriend although of what I can't recall. Such odd dreams...
I can't sleep anymore.
I text my boyfriend at 6am. These weird dreams plague me. I apologize profusely hoping for another chance.

I get a text at 8am on the dot from New Mommy Central urging me to come to work an hour earlier, Sunday the pharmacy was closed so that means we have 6 pages of Rx's that have to be filled!
I get dressed immediately and head out.
The drive is short, I skip eating today and it doesn't bother me.
Work drags.
New Mommy Central keeps threating to play  Pharell's song "happy" if I don't cheer up.
She's genuinely concerned over my somberness. She keeps prodding as to what's wrong until I tear up and finally tell her. I hate that I've cried in front of her but it's the most sincere emotion I've showed since meeting her I think. I'm very private at work, so much so that people make comments on how quiet I am. There people aren't my friends. I haven't had real friends in a long time. I hardly speak about anything personal unless I know you which is funny as seeing how I write a blog and candidly tell you every aspect of my life. The truth is a lot of you I know very well, for years as a matter of stating and those that I haven't met yet, well that's okay too.

I finally break down and tell her that my boyfriend and I are not in a good place and maybe I've screwed thing up royally.
She is so sweet reassuring me that no one can be mad with me.
My boyfriend texts me back as if all is forgiven. I hesitantly continue the conversation. Seems like all is back to normal?
I cautiously allow myself to feel okay about this.

We work a lot and all day. I help out so much she constantly thanks me and is willing to give me two complete days off on Wednesday and Thursday.
At some point in my very busy day I feel nasty and can smell myself, I head to the bathroom and have bleed through my clothes, not a period but something else, I almost want to throw my underwear away but decide against it, instead clean them as much as I can with baby wipes and sanitizer, even spraying Febreeze  on me.
I stink.
I smell of rot and blood and copper pennies.
I want to go home.
I'm so self conscious I hold my breath in and constantly douse myself with sanitizer.
I stink and I don't now why?
I try my hardest to not bend down or crouch.
At some point my New Mommy Central says
 "I can't lift my arms up because my armpits smell really bad."
I suddenly am overly grateful for someone else's fears in sync with mines...
I really need to see a Dr.
I'm rotting from the inside out.


Later as the day progresses we come to the scheduling issues, I've promised myself to the another pharmacy, New Mommy Central is upset but decides to just let it be for now.
She even may need me the following Monday which means I may have to cancel on a pharmacy that has been giving me hours when she hasn't.

After 15 minutes to 7pm, I'm off and headed home only to do modules that are due.

I come home to an empty house and immediately throw my bloody clothes into the hamper, I shower the stink away and wonder what's wrong now?
Is this all Ed related or something worse?
I distract myself with 3 very hard modules.
One of em are done the others not so well. I've given up entirely. I will try again tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired.
I've called my boyfriend today and he's ignored all my calls only texting me, I suspect I'm still in the doghouse.
Well the one good thing about any of this is, is that I am solely responsible for any successes.
Having no "Help" means another victory for my independence.
I sometimes wonder if this all a setup, if this is just teaching me to never depend on anyone but myself. I suspect my life to turn out in ways I never imagined.

I found out some rather distressing news about my brother in prison which I can't share.
My sister and I armed with this new development must act accordingly.
She has been very private as well about it all which I admire.
Its very true to be weary of people who want to know too much about your life, a lot of the times they frankly don't care, they just want to feel better about their own sad little lives in comparison.

Not everyone is your friend, cheetahs show their spots eventually, trust no one.
If they are not trying to help then they've never really cared and so you can always tell who you can trust and who you can't.
Be very careful, knowledge is indeed power.
Who will have the upper hand in your life we must ask ourselves.

Tomorrow I work with Big Gay Al, I'll bring him pastries and try my best to do my work.
It'll be a long ass day as I have truck and so much more to do.
I'm very tired and super depressed. I will go to sleep now, or at least that's what I think.






Sunday, April 20, 2014

Wake









With the door closed, shades drawn, the world shrinks.
Let's open up those blinds. But someone has to sweep the floor,
pick up her dirty clothes. That job's not mine.
Now that everyone's an enemy, my heart sinks.
Let's put away those claws.
I don't blame them for their curtain-calls because I pulled the rope.
I wanna call them back out for applause.

Spring and Thompson on the first of May is horrible.
We hid in catacombs. So now I'm sleeping next to mousetraps,
in a bed of all our clothes, while I hope that she won't come home.
It was easier to lock the doors and kill the phones than to show my skin,
because the hardest thing is never to repent for someone else,
it's letting people in.

Well you can come inside, unlock the door, take off your shoes.
But this might take all night,
to explain to you I would have walked out those sliding doors,
but the timing never seemed right.
When your helicopter came and tried to lift me out,
I put its rope around my neck.
And after that you didn't bother with the airlift or the rescue
- you knew just what to expect.

That with the door closed,
shades drawn, we're dead enough.
They don't open from outside.
And someone has to speak with their teeth behind their tongue,
to never let that right be denied.
We can't rely on photographs and visitation time,
but I just don't know where to begin.
I wanna bust down the door,
if you're willing to forgive.
I've got the keys, I'm letting people in.

Don't be scared to speak,
don't speak with someone's tooth,
don't bargain when you're weak,
don't take that sharp abuse.
Some patients can't be saved, but that burden's not on you.

Don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that.



No bunny loves you

Its been a very long weekend it feels like which I appreciate because I've been very tired.
My health isn't so good these days what with the random vaginal bleeding, the constant migraines and blurry vision, my erratic mood swings, my possible ulcer and oh of course let's not forget good old Depression.
Yeah I forgot what that fucker feels like when it comes on. It's been awhile since that shit has hit me real good, stealing any joy out of me, replacing joy with irrational sadness.
I've been randomly crying for no reason all the time.
This morning was the worst of it as I had to actually go to the bathroom and sob into a towel just to avoid scaring my daughter.
Drinking and Depression don't mix of course and oh boy do I not know how to follow directions.


Around 6am I find myself on my living room couch where I apparently blacked out from drinking.
As I'm typing this my hands tremble from the Alcohol withdrawal.
God I wish I could just stop drinking altogether. I ruin everything when I keep drinking past the point of it feeling good.

After waking up in a strange place I head to my room and my daughter is asleep in my bed?
I lay with her and she stirs and cuddles closer to me.
I hug her and the crying starts again because I can't recall most of my night.
I remember watching the movie Alexander on the computer and my daughter in my room on the tablet.
I remember a text from my boyfriend getting home or going home from church. I remember never letting the wine glass go empty.
I check my phone and have an almost 1hr phone call to my boyfriend.
Oh shit.
He's not on my Facebook or Instagram so that means we had an argument, or rather he was being verbally abused by me more like it. It's never wise to argue with a drunk person, that's a fight where there are no winners. Drunks are mean and have the undeserving courage to help them hurt others when they are at their most weakest.

I wish he would've just hung up the phone or just not answered.
He didn't come see me this weekend, has been in Mass a lot this Passover.
I know this weekend I've been pissing him off with my mood swings. I internalize a lot and that's a landmine that goes off without saying.
I haven't reached out to him all day because well I'm just embarrassed to.
What can I possibly say to excuse the verbal diarrhea that slurs out of my mouth.
Jesus, just trying to imagine the mess I said makes me want to cry. I can say some dumb shit sometimes.
I don't know if I could ever be forgiven or not, but if you're reading this, I am very sorry.
You are never deserving of my tongue lashes.
I don't know if you will ever talk to me again or not, or if I even deserve your forgiveness, but I apologize nonetheless.
I love you a lot and that may be part of the problem.
Is this the turning point? Have I become a "Crazy" girlfriend. Those women you hear stories about that usually start like "I used to date this one crazy bitch..."
God I hope not.
Or maybe I'm in denial I don't know. Wish there was a support group for crazy bitches.

The problem I think is...(and let me stress I will self deconstruct now) that I am a contradiction in terms possibly.
I am an Independent woman who for all intents and purposes doesn't need a man yet is upset that she finds herself alone most of the time as if she doesn't have a boyfriend?
Am I explaining this right, I'd say no.
Maybe my problem is that I just have no one to come home to other than my 9yr old and some pets.
The one person I love and want to be around all the time can only see me on weekends.
This makes me sad. Makes me feel unwanted and makes me think the other person doesn't feel this way and isn't sad so the problem must be me.
I'm just too needy maybe?
Maybe I should just stop expecting it to be more than what I can have. Just accept that like it or not this is what your relationship is like, take it or leave it.
It's funny in my Novel the main character has a similar realization about her fiancĂ©e who works all the time and sees her sometimes. She says "Some of Bo is better than no Bo."
Some of my boyfriend is better than no boyfriend, because when I do get the some, it's the best feeling in the world. Feels like coming home after a long exhausting day and taking your shoes off and putting your feet up, feels like Aaaaaah Finally I can relax now!
I miss him a lot when he's not around, miss sharing things with him and doing nothing even.
My favorite is when we make new memories together like holidays or do things with the kids that they enjoy.
I have a serious codependency problem I think. When he leaves I get sad. It can't be natural because he doesn't get like that and so I think it makes me mad too, I take it as well you love me but you don't Loooooove me...and so the irrational anger is there because I feel exposed and vulnerable.
Then the self loathing kick in because well you stupid girl you're just going to get your heart broken oh plus you're fat.
So you see the rudimentary fundamentals of a crazy girls psyche.
I'm not fit to love anyone.

Now I've ruined this poor mans Easter with my Drunk Yoda Jedi mind fuckery.
As if he doesn't have enough going on without one more thing to worry about.
You don't ever have to talk to me again and I understand, enough is enough. Just know that I love you and I'm very sorry.

I fall back asleep. I'm suddenly woken up by my daughters foot kicking me spectacularly on my backside. This is why I don't like sleeping with her, she kicks and hogs the bed too.
I can't go back to sleep I'm too hung-over. I take a shower and start getting dressed.
I don't eat anything.
My stomach distends horribly after eating anything that isn't in a liquid form. I'm in a lot of discomfort and finally my food comes up all on its own.
I've lost two pounds since this all has been going on. I would rather just do meal replacements for now until I feel better.
My daughter wakes up finally and I feel sorry for her as she stumbles out of my bed, smiles shyly at me and goes to check on her hamster.
I go in the bathroom and cry into a towel. God this poor little soul stuck with me as a mom. One day she'll find out the truth about me, she'll put the pieces together and know that her mom was a drunk sad person who eats funny.

After I compose myself I tell her to brush her teeth and get dressed, we're going out.
My bills are caught up on so I can splurge a little on something not bill related.
I take her to GameStop to buy a Wii game we can both play that isn't so challenging and maybe she can win at. I buy Mario Party 8.
We get home and I make her lunch and play with her for a little bit trying to distract myself. Every time I think of a drunk Lou on the phone my stomach tightens and I rub my forehead in frustration.
My daughter and I play the Wii for a bit and she is actually winning which is nice.
My niece texts me on the phone asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her. I ask my daughter who says Yes.
We dress quickly and head out on this sunny day.
The toll booth we must go into is filled bumper to bumper in all lanes. It's a hot day and her dad's car has no air condition and only two working windows.
We finally make our way inside the long line and drive to our destination.
We head to a beach she's never been to, a beach that makes me smile genuinely. It's a beach that I mention in my novel.
I smh at the randomness, two novel mentions in one day, I must write soon.
It's very hot and the parking lot is full of cars, we park very far away and carry all our stuff.
This beach is perfect, big and full of life. People barbecuing, music blasting, impromptu Easter Egg Hunt. My favorite thing is the water. This beach is notorious for its sandbars. Low tide for miles, my daughter giggled in sheer delight and what looked like people walking on water.
"Mommy can we come back here next week when Michael comes over?"
Blow right to the chest. "We'll see."...or maybe we won't because your mom fucked things up good, no half assed here.
It took me awhile to get into the moment, to really be here and let go of things I said or what has happened. It's said and done and getting sad all over again will not change it.
You can either get through this or learn to live a life again all by yourself. So let it go for today and look at your daughter who's so pretty and happy today because her mom took her to the beach! There's no school today and I'm at the beach. She's been doing so well with her FCATS, she deserves her own distractions.
I forget that a lot. Forget that I'm not the only one going to little things that feel like mountains. Even her, she may have little things that need distracting.

My niece and I catch up, we all swim in the warm crystal clear water. We even build sandcastles, mines came out incredibly decent.
After sunset arrives the beach patrol get on their megaphones and call everyone out the water, they are closing.
I arrive home red and full of sand where sand has no place being in.
My daughter gathers her things and I have to drop her off to her dads house. Outside his apartment are a bunch of men standing around drinking. My ex-husband is one of em.
I briefly wonder how the rest of my daughters night will go?
Will she be inside alone on the laptop, will he keep her company or stay outside drinking with the neighbors?
I drive back home to shower and really cry this time.
Tomorrow I work from 10-6 at my Home store with New Mommy Central. I have to break the news to her about missing on Friday, she wanted me there till 6 but no boyfriend means no sitter so...
I hope the day goes smoothly and no more drama unfolds. I hope I can do my job well to the best of my ability.
When I get home maybe I'll work out or I don't know what anymore.
Pet the cats some more I suppose.

I hope you all had a great Easter. Mines was good despite the rest of what wasn't.
Think I'll go to bed.
Goodnight all.