Thursday, March 21, 2013

D is for disappointment.

So I'm blogging from my no fair.
I had a horrible workout, too much on my mind, plus too many behaviors.
Today is day 2 of lax binge.

So where I last left you all was pretty depressing, I'd like to say things are better but I'd be lying.
So looks like getting back to work won't be so easy after all.
I was on the wrong link, I'm not renewing a state license, I have to apply for one which is a wholly different animal.
I have to print out all my test transcipts plus an online application and mail that in to my state capital along with a check.
My broken printer and desktop mock me so.
I don't know how long all of this will take but I think I won't be working next week either.
As if that wasn't enough, now I have to worry about not making rent, my only available fund is more of my savings. I hate touching savings.
My ex stood me up today, we were supposed to go to Walmart and get the school donations going.
I pick up my daughter from school and she comes out with science project in tow.
Guess what she got..a D!
The teacher says its incomplete.
She was supposed to write a report with it??
I get so pissed I immediately throw the project in the nearest dumpster.
All that work for nothing.
My eyes well up and my stomach is in knots.
I feel like I keep letting my kid down.
Nothing I do is ever good enough.

Yesterday too many laxatives made my left kidney throb, I was Bedridden half the day in pain. I could barely walk.
This morning the pain is less but I've been bp all day.
I binged on more laxatives too.
The pain is back but I don't care.
My sister calls me and I try to tell her about how depressed I've been, I see she changes the subject quickly. I don't blame her I guess, I can be a bit much when I'm really down.
She's upset at my daughters grade.
I tell her I'm not donating anything to her school anymore.
I'm going to take my daughter out of that school.
I'm tired of trying.
Its frustrating for us both. Her grades have dropped to F's now.
I guess there are things that have to change. First the school then home life.
I guess there's something I'm not doing.
Maybe I'm too self centered with my sickness, I have to remember others aren't, I have to belong to the world too, not just my own little plane of existence..I have no idea how to do this but putting myself out there is a start.

I want to apologize to Elisa for missing your call, I was in the shower, and now I'm drinking so the crying has started up. I can't talk to anyone right now.
Can we chat tomorrow?

I'm just so disappointed she got a D..a fucking D!
I wonder how she feels?
Does she feel like a failure?
I know I do.

God sobbing feels good sometimes.
So that's it for today.
I'll vlog tomorrow.

Monday, March 11, 2013


I feel drained of all color today.
My headache pulsates over my thoughts as soon as I open my eyes.
Another day to do it all differently.
I feel tired, hopeless.
Wish I could lay here all day and not talk.
Talking hurts today, my negativity hurts my soul, why the physical act of moving my jaw hurts my face
Too much bp has left my gums and teeth sore. Opening my mouth wide all day yesterday to purge has left me in pain today

I feel physically incapable of moving my body.
I feel very empty and worrisome.
Too many feelings now, very overwhelmed.
I feel very lonely.
The loneliness is palpable.

It's sad that the one thing that is destroying me is my only true company, is it no wonder I can't find myself ever letting it go?
Sometimes I welcome it, I wish it would just rip me to shreds already.
I get tired of holding on to "it will get better."
What is better anyways?
Maybe they mean better for them.


I don't want to live anymore.
I'm very lonely.

I'm here, but I don't want to be.
God help me, I'm tired of fighting against this nature.

I'm so tired of this.


Thursday, March 7, 2013


I've had a headache since Tuesday.
I feel awful.
Can I just have a week where nothing hurts?
This headache has me in tears.

I'm exhausted from work, stick in the ass was very snappy Wednesday, almost lost my shit but cried in bathroom stall instead wondering when will I get relief.

Bad Ed days this week, Bp once a day and I'm in constant aching from tattoo. Wish I could just feel better.

My ex has given the puppy away so my kid is sad, now she wants a ferret.
Hmm to be continued.

If I feel better tomorrow will run some much needed errands to post office amongst other things.

G'night all.
Hope I can sleep tonight, keep having nightmares, last night dreamt something dragged me outta bed and then got in bed with me.

I need to be sedated pronto.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Happy birthday


"How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body, tells what words cannot explain.." -C.Blount 

HELP I'M POOR!! Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...